Yesterday, I drove Joseph part way to the bus station, before he pissed me off even more, because he lied to me again.
Last weekend, I caught Joseph in a really big lie. Money related, manipulative, bald face lie. I gave him another chance. Saturday, he lied again. It was a stupid, little lie, but still a lie. One that cost me money again. Was totally disrespectful. I realized he wasn't worth my respect, time, love or anything. I told him to put on his shoes and that he was going home. On the way to the bus station, he said that it was my fault that TJ was going to be upset. That I was causing TJ pain because I was breaking up with Joseph. That was when I pulled over and kicked him out of the car, and didn't care how he got home at that point.
Today, I am proud of myself. I stood up for myself. I decided I deserve more than being lied to. I decided I deserve more than just someone who says they love me, verses someone that shows me they love and respect me. That is how much I have come to love myself. How much I like myself.
I cooked up a bunch of meat, and now have meals ready for over a week. I did go out and buy a cake, but came home and threw it out before having any. (Yay to not doing maladaptive behaviour!!!) I have gotten down to almost what I weighed when I got out of hospital back in March. I am going to keep going that way. It makes my back feel better when I am lighter. That and the prepared meals, and I am good to go.
I am proud of myself. I am happy. I don't need anyone else in my life, and am not going to look for it anymore. If someone falls into my lap, and they treat me the way I deserve, than maybe I will consider it. Until then, I am holding my head high.
Showing posts with label Joseph. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joseph. Show all posts
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Tuesday roundup
So yesterday was a good day. TJ and I spent some quality time together. I didn't hear from Joseph, so I knew something was wrong. I gave myself a pampering by sitting out back, music blaring while reading my book. I am actually happy.
It has been a good week actually. Less frustration. Less back pain. Less maladaptive behaviour. Good all around good week. I keep living each moment at a time.It is as if, since meeting with the DBT therapist, I have been really conscious about my actions. Especially where TJ and Joseph are concerned.
With TJ, it is a big daily change. No yelling at him. I breath when I get frustrated. I turn my frustration into jokes or compromises. I take the time to sit and talk with him. We sit quietly watching shows and then talking during the commercials.
With Joseph, it is about communication. I talk about how I feel when he doesn't call me during the day. How I feel like he forgets about me, or is scared of talking to me when things go too good or too bad. I hear him when he tells me stuff, and have yet to pull the "It is your fault for not saying anything", instead of taking responsibility for my actions.
With family, I am still struggling. Karen and I had talked about "radically accepting" the fact that Cindy and TJ communicate in a weird, kind of bickering, way. Mom and TJ are no better. Thelma is also one I need to act that way with. I can't change how they all act towards one another. It is not my job to fix them, so I need to let it go. I am still learning. At least I haven't done anything to harm myself or my relationships.
I am keeping my altar nice. I still haven't written in my BOS. I haven't really done any meditation, or candle work or anything. My beliefs are always in my mind, but I can't seem to bring myself to practice, or pray even. It is like I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now it is about getting better. Getting the tools to keep myself sane and out of the hospital.
Joseph and I are doing well. We have hit the 2 month mark (actually we hit if on Sunday). We love each other and are learning more and more about each other each day. We are each working on this relationship AS a relationship, and not just dating. We are taking the time to hear each other out. We are accepting each other's faults, and even music. We are taking care of each other. Me teaching him about his finances, and him helping me stay on my meal plan. The amount of food he leaves cooked when he leaves is astounding. this is a give and take relationship, not a give and give or take and take relationship.
So today, I am happy, TJ is happy, and Joseph is happy. Things are good. I am smiling.
It has been a good week actually. Less frustration. Less back pain. Less maladaptive behaviour. Good all around good week. I keep living each moment at a time.It is as if, since meeting with the DBT therapist, I have been really conscious about my actions. Especially where TJ and Joseph are concerned.
With TJ, it is a big daily change. No yelling at him. I breath when I get frustrated. I turn my frustration into jokes or compromises. I take the time to sit and talk with him. We sit quietly watching shows and then talking during the commercials.
With Joseph, it is about communication. I talk about how I feel when he doesn't call me during the day. How I feel like he forgets about me, or is scared of talking to me when things go too good or too bad. I hear him when he tells me stuff, and have yet to pull the "It is your fault for not saying anything", instead of taking responsibility for my actions.
With family, I am still struggling. Karen and I had talked about "radically accepting" the fact that Cindy and TJ communicate in a weird, kind of bickering, way. Mom and TJ are no better. Thelma is also one I need to act that way with. I can't change how they all act towards one another. It is not my job to fix them, so I need to let it go. I am still learning. At least I haven't done anything to harm myself or my relationships.
I am keeping my altar nice. I still haven't written in my BOS. I haven't really done any meditation, or candle work or anything. My beliefs are always in my mind, but I can't seem to bring myself to practice, or pray even. It is like I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now it is about getting better. Getting the tools to keep myself sane and out of the hospital.
Joseph and I are doing well. We have hit the 2 month mark (actually we hit if on Sunday). We love each other and are learning more and more about each other each day. We are each working on this relationship AS a relationship, and not just dating. We are taking the time to hear each other out. We are accepting each other's faults, and even music. We are taking care of each other. Me teaching him about his finances, and him helping me stay on my meal plan. The amount of food he leaves cooked when he leaves is astounding. this is a give and take relationship, not a give and give or take and take relationship.
So today, I am happy, TJ is happy, and Joseph is happy. Things are good. I am smiling.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Not feeling good at all
I went to bed early and sick. I woke up late and sick. Seems like I may have the flu. "Runny poops", nausea, stiff muscles, head ache, sweats and chills with an over all feeling of sick. My Sis is the one that said it sounds like the flu. All I know is that I feel like crap and wish I could just stay in bed and sleep whatever this is off. Then again, I am a Mom, so that is impossible. Sis helped by bringing TJ over breakfast. Now I am up, and trying not to toss cookies. I have a sink full of dishes and a few things to cook up today. Other than that, I am going to take it easy as much as possible. TJ is helping out with that as much as he can.
The weekend went well. Joseph and I went for drives. He cooked for me. He made sure I actually ate, and have food left over for the week. I have BBQ'ed ribs, chicken and steak ready to be heated up and eaten. I am well prepared for the week ahead, if only I actually didn't look at food and heave. LOL.
He will be back this weekend. Arriving on Friday and leaving early on Sunday. Sunday we are celebrating Sis's birthday, and she doesn't want him there. I understand. Her birthday is about her and not my boyfriend meeting more family.
Wicca and therapy were brush away for the weekend. Most of the time was spent enjoying each moment. On walks I would find little things that I wanted to keep to remind me about the time outside. I got a few rocks, and an interesting "flower". They are now on my alter. A symbol of the season and of what I am drawn too.
Hopefully I will feel better soon. I will do the dishes. I will cook up the mushrooms and onions. I will, no matter how I feel today, be the good Mom and do what needs to be done.
The weekend went well. Joseph and I went for drives. He cooked for me. He made sure I actually ate, and have food left over for the week. I have BBQ'ed ribs, chicken and steak ready to be heated up and eaten. I am well prepared for the week ahead, if only I actually didn't look at food and heave. LOL.
He will be back this weekend. Arriving on Friday and leaving early on Sunday. Sunday we are celebrating Sis's birthday, and she doesn't want him there. I understand. Her birthday is about her and not my boyfriend meeting more family.
Wicca and therapy were brush away for the weekend. Most of the time was spent enjoying each moment. On walks I would find little things that I wanted to keep to remind me about the time outside. I got a few rocks, and an interesting "flower". They are now on my alter. A symbol of the season and of what I am drawn too.
Hopefully I will feel better soon. I will do the dishes. I will cook up the mushrooms and onions. I will, no matter how I feel today, be the good Mom and do what needs to be done.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Skipped a day and the rest of the weekend
Friday was good, and not so good. Good was the way TJ and I interacted and played and joked and just enjoyed each other. Good was Joseph coming for the weekend, eating home BBQed ribs and going for a drive.
Not so good was telling Sandy what happened to me when I was around 17 years old. It had been my homework from Karen. I did as I was asked. I got lost in time as I was talking to Sandy. I did a lot of talking and crying. Sandy got into the "why" I would have felt like I did. How could I answer that? I still don't know why I thought I deserved to be treated so badly or why I still question if I deserve to be treated nicely. I couldn't answer all that. I wanted to just run away after telling her all about it. I felt shame and yucky.
What I am proud of is I didn't do any of the maladaptive behaviour. I did not yell at TJ at all. I did not take any extra meds. I did not stuff my face with chocolate. I did not do anything that would hurt me in any way. I am very proud of myself that I found other ways to deal with the panic and stress I was feeling. Heck, I even watched Dr. Oz. I never watch that show. Guess what they were talking about. Stress.
Over all, Friday was good. One little blip, but that will turn out good soon too. For the rest of the weekend, I am going to be spending time with Joseph and relaxing and enjoying being cooked for, and having the dishes done.
We are off for a drive. Bye until Sunday night.
Not so good was telling Sandy what happened to me when I was around 17 years old. It had been my homework from Karen. I did as I was asked. I got lost in time as I was talking to Sandy. I did a lot of talking and crying. Sandy got into the "why" I would have felt like I did. How could I answer that? I still don't know why I thought I deserved to be treated so badly or why I still question if I deserve to be treated nicely. I couldn't answer all that. I wanted to just run away after telling her all about it. I felt shame and yucky.
What I am proud of is I didn't do any of the maladaptive behaviour. I did not yell at TJ at all. I did not take any extra meds. I did not stuff my face with chocolate. I did not do anything that would hurt me in any way. I am very proud of myself that I found other ways to deal with the panic and stress I was feeling. Heck, I even watched Dr. Oz. I never watch that show. Guess what they were talking about. Stress.
Over all, Friday was good. One little blip, but that will turn out good soon too. For the rest of the weekend, I am going to be spending time with Joseph and relaxing and enjoying being cooked for, and having the dishes done.
We are off for a drive. Bye until Sunday night.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Plodding forward
TJ and I have had a good day. We watched TV. We had cuddle time. We told each other jokes. It was a nice day together. Right now he is at karate. Quiet time for me. The nurse will be here when he returns. She will take care of giving him a bath and such. I guess I should be happy and relaxing, but NOPE. Instead I am antsy.
I am having a hard time just even sitting here is difficult. Concentrating on typing this is difficult (this bit should be part of my therapy and how I am doing section LOL). I don't want to curl up and relax. I don't want to go out back and read with candles and relax. I keep wanting to move and pace and just feel jittery. I guess it is time to invoke some of my little DBT training. Also, I should write how I am feeling for tomorrow when I meet up with Karen.
Joseph has called twice. He can be so cute. Today he wanted to hear he was right. Right about something called the OST. He was, and I admitted it. He also called to let me know I was right about something. It is really cute the way we act. If this was someone else's relationship, I would be saying that the way we are acting was so sweet it was giving me a tooth ache.
I didn't get to writing down my Beltane ritual. I guess I have been feeling this way more than just now. I just couldn't sit down and do it. I got out my BOS. I lit some candles. I just couldn't put pen to paper. Tonight is not the night to do it. Not unless I can calm myself down.
Off to try to calm down. Find a settled down place in side myself. Time to use ACCEPTS. Time to do the dishes. Time to find a way to settle.
I am having a hard time just even sitting here is difficult. Concentrating on typing this is difficult (this bit should be part of my therapy and how I am doing section LOL). I don't want to curl up and relax. I don't want to go out back and read with candles and relax. I keep wanting to move and pace and just feel jittery. I guess it is time to invoke some of my little DBT training. Also, I should write how I am feeling for tomorrow when I meet up with Karen.
Joseph has called twice. He can be so cute. Today he wanted to hear he was right. Right about something called the OST. He was, and I admitted it. He also called to let me know I was right about something. It is really cute the way we act. If this was someone else's relationship, I would be saying that the way we are acting was so sweet it was giving me a tooth ache.
I didn't get to writing down my Beltane ritual. I guess I have been feeling this way more than just now. I just couldn't sit down and do it. I got out my BOS. I lit some candles. I just couldn't put pen to paper. Tonight is not the night to do it. Not unless I can calm myself down.
Off to try to calm down. Find a settled down place in side myself. Time to use ACCEPTS. Time to do the dishes. Time to find a way to settle.
Monday, August 09, 2010
Going to try this once a day thing.
So yes. I am going to try "writing" here once a day. I will cover family / relationships, wicca, and therapy. I will cover each of these things each day. There will be other stuff, but those are going to be the beginning of each post. So, here we go.
TJ (formally MIT) and I are having a nice quiet day. Well, quiet in the sense that he is busy watching TV and I am busy doing cleaning and thinking and stuff. Basically, daily keeping up with chores. I am also missing Joseph. It is nice missing him, but I really, really do miss him. He brings smiles to my face just like TJ does. Both do silly little things, just to make me smile. TJ is doing the same thing today. Doing silly things just to make me smile. I am a very lucky woman right now.
I need to update my BOS. I haven't written my rituals since Beltane. I have kept a record of them, but I would like them to be secure in my BOS. I need to just sit down, in the quiet, with my candles lit around me and take the time to write in my BOS. That is something I really need to do.
I haven't had any ill thoughts. Not lately. I am struggling with not taking certain meds when I really don't need them. I am going to try to pull myself off of them. I will let my therapist know how I am doing with it. Actually, both therapists. I see both of them this week. One on Wednesday and one on Friday. I know the session on Wednesday will be a tough one. I really don't want to go to it sober in any way shape or form. I will. I made a promise and I will keep it. I will show up there sober and probably in a lot of pain (my back). I will listen to her, and I will participate in the conversation and learning.
Other than all that? My back still hurts. I am actually eating 3 times a day. I am taking my meds 4 times each day. I am cooking what is in the house, and not ordering in on the credit card. Next step is to get back to some sort of exercise to work on my back and my core. Weight loss is not my goal. Getting out of pain definitely is.
Time for "regular" TV and time on the couch with TJ. Maybe he and I will go out to Hewitt's for some ice cream.
TJ (formally MIT) and I are having a nice quiet day. Well, quiet in the sense that he is busy watching TV and I am busy doing cleaning and thinking and stuff. Basically, daily keeping up with chores. I am also missing Joseph. It is nice missing him, but I really, really do miss him. He brings smiles to my face just like TJ does. Both do silly little things, just to make me smile. TJ is doing the same thing today. Doing silly things just to make me smile. I am a very lucky woman right now.
I need to update my BOS. I haven't written my rituals since Beltane. I have kept a record of them, but I would like them to be secure in my BOS. I need to just sit down, in the quiet, with my candles lit around me and take the time to write in my BOS. That is something I really need to do.
I haven't had any ill thoughts. Not lately. I am struggling with not taking certain meds when I really don't need them. I am going to try to pull myself off of them. I will let my therapist know how I am doing with it. Actually, both therapists. I see both of them this week. One on Wednesday and one on Friday. I know the session on Wednesday will be a tough one. I really don't want to go to it sober in any way shape or form. I will. I made a promise and I will keep it. I will show up there sober and probably in a lot of pain (my back). I will listen to her, and I will participate in the conversation and learning.
Other than all that? My back still hurts. I am actually eating 3 times a day. I am taking my meds 4 times each day. I am cooking what is in the house, and not ordering in on the credit card. Next step is to get back to some sort of exercise to work on my back and my core. Weight loss is not my goal. Getting out of pain definitely is.
Time for "regular" TV and time on the couch with TJ. Maybe he and I will go out to Hewitt's for some ice cream.
Sunday, August 08, 2010
A change in this journal
3 things are going to be changing in this journal.
1st - This is now a journal about my "normal" relationship, family, friends, and how the three are meeting each other and how my life is becoming more full.
2nd - More Pagan / Wicca enteries. More about my beliefs and how I express them. More pictures of my altar and my gardens.
3rd - My new therapy. A lot of entries about DBT will be coming up as I change therapists and learn new ways of dealing with my stressors and such.
I hope that those who already follow my thoughts, continue to. I also hope that others will join in reading about my life, my beliefs and my experiences.
Welcome to Ljouney's Travels, the continuing saga of my life.
1st - This is now a journal about my "normal" relationship, family, friends, and how the three are meeting each other and how my life is becoming more full.
2nd - More Pagan / Wicca enteries. More about my beliefs and how I express them. More pictures of my altar and my gardens.
3rd - My new therapy. A lot of entries about DBT will be coming up as I change therapists and learn new ways of dealing with my stressors and such.
I hope that those who already follow my thoughts, continue to. I also hope that others will join in reading about my life, my beliefs and my experiences.
Welcome to Ljouney's Travels, the continuing saga of my life.
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
Moving along
Things are moving along nicely. The relationship with Joseph is a good one. It is equal. It is comforting. It is passionate. This weekend we are moving the relationship forward. The MIT and Joseph are going to meet.
The MIT will never be "ready" to meet Joseph, but the MIT is showing signs that it is going to be ok. No more interrupting me on the phone when Joseph and I are talking to each other. No more complaining when I speak about Joseph with Sis. No more blocking His ears when I talk to Him about Joseph. So, it is time.
This Friday, Joseph will be coming after the MIT leaves for Karate. That will give Joseph and I a few hours alone together. Once the MIT comes home, we will have about an hour, where the MIT is allowed to just go to his room, or even sit and be with Joseph and I. Saturday, the MIT is aware that Joseph will be here, but the usual Saturday morning schedule is still in place. He knows that Joseph and I will probably be going out. That gives Him time alone with the nurse. Joseph and I will be back in time for the MIT to go to my parents.
That is the extent of them meeting each other for now. Soon we will move to include Sunday nights and part of Mondays. Not too soon, but yes soon.
We are going at a nice pace. One that isn't too fast, and isn't too slow. Just moving at our own pace that is working well for us.
I love being with this man.
The MIT will never be "ready" to meet Joseph, but the MIT is showing signs that it is going to be ok. No more interrupting me on the phone when Joseph and I are talking to each other. No more complaining when I speak about Joseph with Sis. No more blocking His ears when I talk to Him about Joseph. So, it is time.
This Friday, Joseph will be coming after the MIT leaves for Karate. That will give Joseph and I a few hours alone together. Once the MIT comes home, we will have about an hour, where the MIT is allowed to just go to his room, or even sit and be with Joseph and I. Saturday, the MIT is aware that Joseph will be here, but the usual Saturday morning schedule is still in place. He knows that Joseph and I will probably be going out. That gives Him time alone with the nurse. Joseph and I will be back in time for the MIT to go to my parents.
That is the extent of them meeting each other for now. Soon we will move to include Sunday nights and part of Mondays. Not too soon, but yes soon.
We are going at a nice pace. One that isn't too fast, and isn't too slow. Just moving at our own pace that is working well for us.
I love being with this man.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Happy Early Morning
He is asleep in my bed. I am up because of heartburn. I am too happy to go to sleep. I am just plain happy.
I got a late anniversary gift on Friday. It is a ring. A simple silver band. Some might call it a wedding band, as that is its style. He says it is a "for right now" ring. For me, it is so much. For the two of us, it is a promise. Not of marriage. Not of moving in together. A promise to take one day at a time, and hope it turns into a lifetime.
He calls me BooBoo or Honey Boo or just plain Baby. I call him Shnookums or Nemo. I have never called someone by a pet name before. Well, not unless you call Sir or Master a pet name.
This weekend, we have gone to St. Jacobs and got smoked pork chops. We BBQ together. We played Crazy Eights. We played Rummy. We watched some golf. We sat outside on the back patio and talked and had dinner. We snuggled on the couch with no noise. We did dishes together. We had sex. Lots and lots of sex. We talked about how it isn't all about him, and how it isn't all about me. We talked about how it is about us. We talked silly. We talked serious. We sat in silence. He napped and I read. We have done a lot with very little.
Neither of us want him to leave tonight. That isn't a choice right now. Not until he meets the MIT. He isn't ready for that. He wants us to be very solid before that happens. I agree with him. The MIT is getting used to the idea. He isn't liking it to much, but he is getting used to it. He is getting used to the idea that I have someone in my life. He doesn't like it very much. He wants me all to himself, but is getting used to the idea that Mom has a boyfriend.
I am happy. I am in love. I feel safe around Joseph. I feel special with Joseph. He worries about me eating, so he cooks for me. He worries about my taking my meds, and will sometimes remind me. He worries I don't eat well when he isn't here. He smiles when he is here. He can't stay in a bad Toronto mood very long after he gets here. He can be so goofy at times. I love him.
So welcome to a new chapter in my travels. I have woken up, and am moving forward. I am enjoying this leg of my journey.
I got a late anniversary gift on Friday. It is a ring. A simple silver band. Some might call it a wedding band, as that is its style. He says it is a "for right now" ring. For me, it is so much. For the two of us, it is a promise. Not of marriage. Not of moving in together. A promise to take one day at a time, and hope it turns into a lifetime.
He calls me BooBoo or Honey Boo or just plain Baby. I call him Shnookums or Nemo. I have never called someone by a pet name before. Well, not unless you call Sir or Master a pet name.
This weekend, we have gone to St. Jacobs and got smoked pork chops. We BBQ together. We played Crazy Eights. We played Rummy. We watched some golf. We sat outside on the back patio and talked and had dinner. We snuggled on the couch with no noise. We did dishes together. We had sex. Lots and lots of sex. We talked about how it isn't all about him, and how it isn't all about me. We talked about how it is about us. We talked silly. We talked serious. We sat in silence. He napped and I read. We have done a lot with very little.
Neither of us want him to leave tonight. That isn't a choice right now. Not until he meets the MIT. He isn't ready for that. He wants us to be very solid before that happens. I agree with him. The MIT is getting used to the idea. He isn't liking it to much, but he is getting used to it. He is getting used to the idea that I have someone in my life. He doesn't like it very much. He wants me all to himself, but is getting used to the idea that Mom has a boyfriend.
I am happy. I am in love. I feel safe around Joseph. I feel special with Joseph. He worries about me eating, so he cooks for me. He worries about my taking my meds, and will sometimes remind me. He worries I don't eat well when he isn't here. He smiles when he is here. He can't stay in a bad Toronto mood very long after he gets here. He can be so goofy at times. I love him.
So welcome to a new chapter in my travels. I have woken up, and am moving forward. I am enjoying this leg of my journey.