Tuesday, August 31, 2010

What a group

Today was my first DBT group session.  I was so nervous, I was awake at 5:30, and pacing by 8:00.  I didn't know what to expect.  I didn't know what to take.  I was in pain and tired.

It really wasn't all that bad.  The group is all women.  There is homework to be done.  There was a lot of talking and answering questions.  I talked a lot more than I thought I would.  I guess I got the smarts to do all this, I just have to find the motivation and gumption to actually use the techniques to help myself. 

After group, I had a bit of time by myself.  I found out I was going to have a nurse for me for the next little while.  Wound management.  Someone to pull out the stuffing (sorry, packing) out of the hole in my groin, and then, without freezing, stuffing the hole back up again.  The nurse I had today was quite nice.  I will probably have a new one Thursday. 

Right now, I am exhausted.  I have been up since 5:30, and plan on getting up at that early morning time for the rest of the week.  This gives me some quiet time to myself before TJ gets up, and helps my body get used to the school schedule.  Once 11 comes around, and I take my antibiotic, I am heading to bed. 

Oh yeah.  My sugars have been normal all day, and I know I have lost some more weight

Monday, August 30, 2010

ER visit, and tomorrow

Tonight, I had to go to the ER.  I spiked a fever today, and ended up ignoring TJ and slept most of the day.  When I was finally ok enough to get up and moving, I fed TJ and myself, called the doctor on call, and then headed to the hospital.

The cyst I had (my second in 2 weeks and third in 2 months) turned into an abses.  Yuck. Yuck and painful.  I wasn't at the hospital too long, and they took good care of me.  Considering how nervous I am about tomorrow, I think my body gave me something to worry about instead of the morning.

Tomorrow is my first group DBT session.  The fist one out of 52.  I am really really scared.  OK, scared is not the right answer.  Nervous.  Very nervous.  I have no idea what to expect.  I know there will be a mindfulness exercise first.  I know how to "act" with that.  It is the rest of the stuff I am nervous about.  The new people.  How many people. 

With the pain distracting me, I think I will have enough to keep my mind more calm tomorrow.

I have also started reading my Wicca books again.  I know parts of the therapy include beliefs in a "higher power" and it is time I get back in touch with mine.  So, reading, and walking barefoot in my backyard, at any time in the day, are my starter points. 

Time to go to bed so I am up to my best, as much of my best I can be,

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Life goes on

Yesterday, I drove Joseph part way to the bus station, before he pissed me off even more, because he lied to me again.

Last weekend, I caught Joseph in a really big lie.  Money related, manipulative, bald face lie.  I gave him another chance.  Saturday, he lied again.  It was a stupid, little lie, but still a lie.  One that cost me money again.  Was totally disrespectful.  I realized he wasn't worth my respect, time, love or anything.  I told him to put on his shoes and that he was going home.  On the way to the bus station, he said that it was my fault that TJ was going to be upset.  That I was causing TJ pain because I was breaking up with Joseph.  That was when I pulled over and kicked him out of the car, and didn't care how he got home at that point.

Today, I am proud of myself.  I stood up for myself.  I decided I deserve more than being lied to.  I decided I deserve more than just someone who says they love me, verses someone that shows me they love and respect me.  That is how much I have come to love myself.  How much I like myself. 

I cooked up a bunch of meat, and now have meals ready for over a week.  I did go out and buy a cake, but came home and threw it out before having any. (Yay to not doing maladaptive behaviour!!!) I have gotten down to almost what I weighed when I got out of hospital back in March.  I am going to keep going that way.  It makes my back feel better when I am lighter.  That and the prepared meals, and I am good to go. 

I am proud of myself.  I am happy.  I don't need anyone else in my life, and am not going to look for it anymore.  If someone falls into my lap, and they treat me the way I deserve, than maybe I will consider it.  Until then, I am holding my head high.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

So much for a plan

So, yeah.  I haven't posted in almost a week.  Things have been ok.  Not great.  Good. 

I am feeling.....I really don't know.  Sick.  That is for sure. 

I may not post tomorrow, and definitely not on the weekend.  Joseph will be here for the weekend, and I will be busy. 

So, sucky post. 

Thursday, August 19, 2010

On the day and on time

Today was not such a good day.  So many things were happening.  Most were just in my head.  Doesn't matter, it was still too much.

TJ was full blown most of today.  That is stressful enough.  Add in his shallow breathing, and his not having any "grownup" doctors and not knowing what hospital they would take him to, if I had to call 911.  Add not having guardianship.  Add dishes filling my sink.  Add financial stuff.  All equals an overwhelmed me. 

I called my Mom for help, when I was at my worst.  Problem is, I haven't gotten much better.  I didn't do any of the yucky behaviour.  I even turned away food (food I shouldn't have).  Even now, I am feeling like nothing is going right.  Just feel like everything, and I mean everything, is on my shoulders. 

Right now I am sitting here, crying for no reason.  Crying because...hell, I don't even know why.  Just plain crying.  I guess it is a buildup of emotions that I have no control over.  Maybe I shouldn't have any control over them.  Maybe I should just let them out.  Maybe that will help.

Doesn't matter now.  Time to go to bed. 

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

On a streak

Hey, a post about today, actually posted today.  I am proud of myself.  Then again, I don't have much to say.  I am getting tired.  Tired of always being on the lookout for how I am feeling.  Tired of always trying to keep my calm, and deal with how I feel.  Maybe I am just hiding how I feel with all this being conscious about what I am doing.

Off to bed.  Tomorrow nights post should be much better.

Sleep sounds good right now.

Tuesday roundup

So yesterday was a good day.  TJ and I spent some quality time together.  I didn't hear from Joseph, so I knew something was wrong.  I gave myself a pampering by sitting out back, music blaring while reading my book.  I am actually happy.

It has been a good week actually.  Less frustration.  Less back pain.  Less maladaptive behaviour.  Good all around good week.  I keep living each moment at a time.It is as if, since meeting with the DBT therapist, I have been really conscious about my actions.  Especially where TJ and Joseph are concerned. 

With TJ, it is a big daily change.  No yelling at him.  I breath when I get frustrated.  I turn my frustration into jokes or compromises.  I take the time to sit and talk with him.  We sit quietly watching shows and then talking during the commercials. 

With Joseph, it is about communication.  I talk about how I feel when he doesn't call me during the day.  How I feel like he forgets about me, or is scared of talking to me when things go too good or too bad.  I hear him when he tells me stuff, and have yet to pull the "It is your fault for not saying anything", instead of taking responsibility for my actions. 

With family, I am still struggling.  Karen and I had talked about "radically accepting" the fact that Cindy and TJ communicate in a weird, kind of bickering, way.  Mom and TJ are no better.  Thelma is also one I need to act that way with.  I can't change how they all act towards one another.  It is not my job to fix them, so I need to let it go.  I am still learning.  At least I haven't done anything to harm myself or my relationships.

I am keeping my altar nice.  I still haven't written in my BOS.  I haven't really done any meditation, or candle work or anything.  My beliefs are always in my mind, but I can't seem to bring myself to practice, or pray even.  It is like I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now it is about getting better.  Getting the tools to keep myself sane and out of the hospital. 

Joseph and I are doing well.  We have hit the 2 month mark (actually we hit if on Sunday).  We love each other and are learning more and more about each other each day.  We are each working on this relationship AS a relationship, and not just dating. We are taking the time to hear each other out.  We are accepting each other's faults, and even music.  We are taking care of each other.  Me teaching him about his finances, and him helping me stay on my meal plan.  The amount of food he leaves cooked when he leaves is astounding.  this is a give and take relationship, not a give and give or take and take relationship. 

So today, I am happy, TJ is happy, and Joseph is happy.  Things are good. I am smiling.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Not feeling good at all

I went to bed early and sick.  I woke up late and sick.  Seems like I may have the flu.  "Runny poops", nausea, stiff muscles, head ache, sweats and chills with an over all feeling of sick.  My Sis is the one that said it sounds like the flu.  All I know is that I feel like crap and wish I could just stay in bed and sleep whatever this is off.  Then again, I am a Mom, so that is impossible. Sis helped by bringing TJ over breakfast.  Now I am up, and trying not to toss cookies.  I have a sink full of dishes and a few things to cook up today.  Other than that, I am going to take it easy as much as possible.  TJ is helping out with that as much as he can. 

The weekend went well.  Joseph and I went for drives.  He cooked for me.  He made sure I actually ate, and have food left over for the week.  I have BBQ'ed ribs, chicken and steak ready to be heated up and eaten.  I am well prepared for the week ahead, if only I actually didn't look at food and heave.  LOL.

He will be back this weekend.  Arriving on Friday and leaving early on Sunday.  Sunday we are celebrating Sis's birthday, and she doesn't want him there.  I understand.  Her birthday is about her and not my boyfriend meeting more family.

Wicca and therapy were brush away for the weekend.  Most of the time was spent enjoying each moment.  On walks I would find little things that I wanted to keep to remind me about the time outside.  I got a few rocks, and an interesting "flower".  They are now on my alter.  A symbol of the season and of what I am drawn too. 

Hopefully I will feel better soon.  I will do the dishes.  I will cook up the mushrooms and onions.  I will, no matter how I feel today, be the good Mom and do what needs to be done. 

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Skipped a day and the rest of the weekend

Friday was good, and not so good.  Good was the way TJ and I interacted and played and joked and just enjoyed each other.  Good was Joseph coming for the weekend, eating home BBQed ribs and going for a drive.

Not so good was telling Sandy what happened to me when I was around 17 years old.  It had been my homework from Karen.  I did as I was asked.  I got lost in time as I was talking to Sandy.  I did a lot of talking and crying.  Sandy got into the "why" I would have felt like I did.  How could I answer that?  I still don't know why I thought I deserved to be treated so badly or why I still question if I deserve to be treated nicely.  I couldn't answer all that.  I wanted to just run away after telling her all about it.  I felt shame and yucky.

What I am proud of is I didn't do any of the maladaptive behaviour.  I did not yell at TJ at all.  I did not take any extra meds.  I did not stuff my face with chocolate. I did not do anything that would hurt me in any way.  I am very proud of myself that I found other ways to deal with the panic and stress I was feeling.  Heck, I even watched Dr. Oz.  I never watch that show.  Guess what they were talking about.  Stress. 

Over all, Friday was good.  One little blip, but that will turn out good soon too.  For the rest of the weekend, I am going to be spending time with Joseph and relaxing and enjoying being cooked for, and having the dishes done. 

We are off for a drive.  Bye until Sunday night.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Up early in the morning

Since I was up, and I just realized I hadn't done an entry for yesterday, I thought now would be a good time.

Yesterday was good.  I went to the doctor, for my usual bi-weekly appointment.  Blood pressure, very good.  Weight, down a bit.  Back pain, new drugs.  Other than that, all is good with my body.  Just wish my back pain would go away.

TJ and I had a good day.  Quiet times around the house.  If I felt my temper or voice rising, I would take a deep breath and make things playful.  Changed channels on him just because.  Made my voice and what we were doing into a joke.  I kept things light and ended up not yelling at him at all. 

Then, as I was getting ready for bed, my anxiety rose.  Today I am supposed to tell Sandy about the PTSD symptoms, and tell her the incident that caused them.  I am not looking forward to that.  I feel that it is one of the reasons I am up at this time of day. 

So, to keep calm, and not panic, I am doing a load of laundry so TJ has clothes for when he goes to Rygiel House this weekend.  I am taking naps, so I am not so tired.  I am planning my courses of action for today so when the anxiety rises, I don't do any of my maladaptive behaviour.  This is called IMPROVE the moment.

IMPROVE stands for

Imagery - imagine hurtful emotions draining out of you like water out of a pipe as you breath deeply

Meaning - fine the purpose in this pain, like telling Sandy so we can treat the symptoms

Prayer - go outside and commune with nature works with me.  Opening myself up by asking the Goddess and God to help bear the pain

Relaxation - having a cup of herbal tea and breathing deeply when ever I get the chance.  Breath while in the shower or out back.  Relax my muscles in the shower.

One thing in the moment - focus on what I am doing while I am doing it.  Be mindful of what I am doing.  Don't start thinking of what I am going to speak to Sandy about

Vacation - take mini breaks like going out back and reading (my oasis).

Encourage - cheer myself on with telling myself that I can do this.  I lived this physically, it is now time to live it out loud.  Make a plan and tell myself how good of a plan it is and that it will all work out.

So, for me herbal tea in the morning instead of caffine (caffine raises anxiety).  Taking time outs and going out back for a breather (waiting 1 min before having a smoke).  Putting laundry away.  Packing TJ's bags and wheelchair up, for when he goes to Rygiel.  Telling my self that I can do this without anything extra in my system (sugar, pills, etc).  Going out back to read. Maybe do my nails while Sis is here. 

So that is what I am going to do later today.  Time to change over the laundry and go back to bed for a few hours. 

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Things move forward.

So today was therapy day.  Karen and I had made a deal about me showing up with just my prescribed amount of pain killers in my system.  I kept that deal.  I also took her what happened last night and this morning.  She was very proud of me.  We also followed her game plan about doing a "behavioural chain".

A behavioural chain is when you examine what led to doing your maladaptive behaviour.  So we studied what I did last week.  Taking the extra Perc.  After studying why I did it, as in what lead up to it, we problem solved what I could have done differently and what I could do next time.  I didn't understand all of it, but I have the basic idea. 

My "homework" (DBT is big on homework) is to do a behaviour chain each time I do some maladaptive behaviour.  It could be as bad as taking extra pills, to just yelling at TJ, to just as simple as scratching my arm to inflict pain.  That and I am to tell Sandy about my past and symptoms of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).

Today was a good therapy day.  I didn't even pick-up chocolate at the drugstore when I went and picked-up my meds I had on order.  Today is a very good day.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


It just dawned on me, as I was doing the dishes, that I hadn't explained what ACCEPTS is (see, can't even settle doing dishes).

In DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy), they use a lot of acronyms.  ACCEPTS is one of them.  It is to be used when you are in the middle of an "attack", to keep you from doing the maladaptive (not good) behaviour.  For me, right now, the attack is panic attack, where normally, I would over eat, have a drink, cut, or pop a pill.  So, instead of that, to get me over the panic attack without using those behaviours, I use ACCEPTS.

ACCEPTS stands for

Activity - doing something with my hands and body. This could involve house work, exercise, colouring, typing on the computer.  Just doing something.

Contribute - Search for stuff to give to other people who need stuff more than yourself. 

Compare - (this one I can't really do) Think of someone worse off than yourself and realize things aren't that bad

Emotion - Use opposite emotion to make you feel better.  I could put on calming music for right now, trying to bring out the opposite to what I am feeling right now.

Pushing away - I still don't understand this one.

Thoughts - I still don't understand this one.

Sensations -  I still don't understand this one.

As you can see, I still have a lot to learn.  So for right now, I am going to do the activities.  Dishes, maybe walk to the drug store to pick up some meds that I ordered yesterday, anything so I don't pop a pill, cut or eat everything in the house.

Plodding forward

TJ and I have had a good day.  We watched TV.  We had cuddle time.  We told each other jokes.  It was a nice day together.  Right now he is at karate.  Quiet time for me.  The nurse will be here when he returns. She will take care of giving him a bath and such.  I guess I should be happy and relaxing, but NOPE.  Instead I am antsy. 

I am having a hard time just even sitting here is difficult.  Concentrating on typing this is difficult (this bit should be part of my therapy and how I am doing section LOL).  I don't want to curl up and relax.  I don't want to go out back and read with candles and relax.  I keep wanting to move and pace and just feel jittery.  I guess it is time to invoke some of my little DBT training.  Also, I should write how I am feeling for tomorrow when I meet up with Karen.

Joseph has called twice.  He can be so cute.  Today he wanted to hear he was right.  Right about something called the OST.  He was, and I admitted it.  He also called to let me know I was right about something.  It is really cute the way we act.  If this was someone else's relationship, I would be saying that the way we are acting was so sweet it was giving me a tooth ache.

I didn't get to writing down my Beltane ritual.  I guess I have been feeling this way more than just now.  I just couldn't sit down and do it.  I got out my BOS.  I lit some candles.  I just couldn't put pen to paper.  Tonight is not the night to do it.  Not unless I can calm myself down. 

Off to try to calm down.  Find a settled down place in side myself.  Time to use ACCEPTS.  Time to do the dishes.  Time to find a way to settle. 

Monday, August 09, 2010

Going to try this once a day thing.

So yes.  I am going to try "writing" here once a day.  I will cover family / relationships, wicca, and therapy.  I will cover each of these things each day.  There will be other stuff, but those are going to be the beginning of each post.  So, here we go.

TJ (formally MIT) and I are having a nice quiet day.  Well, quiet in the sense that he is busy watching TV and I am busy doing cleaning and thinking and stuff.  Basically, daily keeping up with chores.  I am also missing Joseph.  It is nice missing him, but I really, really do miss him.  He brings smiles to my face just like TJ does.  Both do silly little things, just to make me smile.  TJ is doing the same thing today.  Doing silly things just to make me smile.  I am a very lucky woman right now.

I need to update my BOS.  I haven't written my rituals since Beltane.  I have kept a record of them, but I would like them to be secure in my BOS.  I need to just sit down, in the quiet, with my candles lit around me and take the time to write in my BOS.  That is something I really need to do.

I haven't had any ill thoughts.  Not lately.  I am struggling with not taking certain meds when I really don't need them.  I am going to try to pull myself off of them.  I will let my therapist know how I am doing with it.  Actually, both therapists.  I see both of them this week.  One on Wednesday and one on Friday.  I know the session on Wednesday will be a tough one.  I really don't want to go to it sober in any way shape or form.  I will.  I made a promise and I will keep it.  I will show up there sober and probably in a lot of pain (my back).  I will listen to her, and I will participate in the conversation and learning. 

Other than all that?  My back still hurts.  I am actually eating 3 times a day.  I am taking my meds 4 times each day.  I am cooking what is in the house, and not ordering in on the credit card.  Next step is to get back to some sort of exercise to work on my back and my core.  Weight loss is not my goal.  Getting out of pain definitely is. 

Time for "regular" TV and time on the couch with TJ.  Maybe he and I will go out to Hewitt's for some ice cream. 

Sunday, August 08, 2010

A change in this journal

3 things are going to be changing in this journal.

1st - This is now a journal about my "normal" relationship, family, friends, and how the three are meeting each other and how my life is becoming more full.

2nd - More Pagan / Wicca enteries. More about my beliefs and how I express them. More pictures of my altar and my gardens.

3rd - My new therapy. A lot of entries about DBT will be coming up as I change therapists and learn new ways of dealing with my stressors and such.

I hope that those who already follow my thoughts, continue to. I also hope that others will join in reading about my life, my beliefs and my experiences.

Welcome to Ljouney's Travels, the continuing saga of my life.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

New Therapist

Today I met Karen. She might become my new DBT therapist. Right now we are "dating" to see if we are a good fit.

I like her. She is not full of bullshit. She is upfront of what she expects of me. She is upfront of what she can not tolerate. She is upfront with what we are going to be working on, and how we are to communicate. She is also someone with a great sense of humour.

I know there will be times when I will hate her. I know there will be times I won't want to see her. I know that the commitment I am going to be making to the DBT therapy is a big one. I know I can make that commitment. I have already made a commitment to her. I will never again show up on more medication than I have been prescribed.

Yes I did show up today with an extra Percocet in my system, and I was honest about it. I will never do that again. She wants to meet the real me, not the drugged me. No matter how much I want to justify that the extra drug actually shows the real me, it isn't true.

So, I have committed to doing the therapy. I have committed to showing up without any "extra" help. For now, I will continue with both Karen and Sandy, until Karen's schedule and client list can accommodate me. Then, I will only be seeing Karen for a year, plus a little few months of supportive therapy, while I move back to being Sandy's client again.

I like this plan.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Moving along

Things are moving along nicely. The relationship with Joseph is a good one. It is equal. It is comforting. It is passionate. This weekend we are moving the relationship forward. The MIT and Joseph are going to meet.

The MIT will never be "ready" to meet Joseph, but the MIT is showing signs that it is going to be ok. No more interrupting me on the phone when Joseph and I are talking to each other. No more complaining when I speak about Joseph with Sis. No more blocking His ears when I talk to Him about Joseph. So, it is time.

This Friday, Joseph will be coming after the MIT leaves for Karate. That will give Joseph and I a few hours alone together. Once the MIT comes home, we will have about an hour, where the MIT is allowed to just go to his room, or even sit and be with Joseph and I. Saturday, the MIT is aware that Joseph will be here, but the usual Saturday morning schedule is still in place. He knows that Joseph and I will probably be going out. That gives Him time alone with the nurse. Joseph and I will be back in time for the MIT to go to my parents.

That is the extent of them meeting each other for now. Soon we will move to include Sunday nights and part of Mondays. Not too soon, but yes soon.

We are going at a nice pace. One that isn't too fast, and isn't too slow. Just moving at our own pace that is working well for us.

I love being with this man.