Saturday, July 23, 2011

And it continues.......

Since "his" (now known as C) arrest, E has been skirting the lines of harassment.  She has been driving C's truck and parking it in her driveway.  She has been staring at me when I am in back yard.  She has been talking to my other neighbours about  how they should be careful of their men, or I will try to get them, and then "cry" rape.  I hate that people I have known for years would believe E over me.  I hate going outside.  I hate going in my backyard.  I hate being here when she is here. 

I am slowly facing my fear.  The fear of people talking about me, and casting judgement.  I have been going out front when she is not here.  I have even been visiting (actually going to people's houses) my neighbours.  I have been sitting out back when I know she is here.  I have been letting those that come to me with the rumour, the truth.  I have allowed those that know the truth, to also tell when they hear the other rumour. 

I still get wicked panic attacks.  I can only last so long outside before the panic sets in.  The neighbours that know me, try to convince me to stay outside, because they "have my back", but that doesn't dissipate how panicky I feel.  I know they are trying to help, but they don't get it.  They say I will feel better once E moves.  I am hoping that is true. 

In real life, it isn't really E or C that I am afraid of.  Well, yeah it is, but it is more than that.  It is the fear that someone will make a pass at me.  It is the fear about other people touching me.  It is the fear of well meaning friends hugging me (it has happened, and continues to happen).  It is the fear that I will hear the rumour and have to tell the truth. 

I am facing those fears.  I am approaching rather than running and hiding.  I am doing opposite to emotion.  K will be very proud of me.  I am proud of me. Yes, it is hard.  Yes, it still brings up panic attacks.  Yes, I still have to come inside and take a breath or two.  Still, I am facing my fears.  I am checking my mail.  I even sat outside last night, when E arrived in C's truck.  Getting over that was sitting and colouring.  Then I headed right back outside.  So E had left already.  I still made it back outside.  

Tonight is an alone night with just Charlie and me.  TJ will be sleeping at my Mom and Dad's as usual.  Maybe tonight I will do something special for myself.  I know I will be BBQing dinner, and letting Charlie have the bone.  That is always fun to watch.  I know I will be sitting outside as much as possible.  I enjoy watching Charlie play outside.  I may even take him to the dog park (that is if it doesn't get to hot, or starts raining).  I have been reading again.  Maybe I will sit out back with my BBQ still warm and read for a while. 

I have not done any problem behaviour.  I am craving it, but I am staying away from it.  I so want to get drunk and confront either E or M (the mother that knows everything but how to raise her own kids).  Then again I don't want to go to jail or get myself hurt. 

Ok, time to head off to see what Charlie is doing.  I think he is asleep on my bed again.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Feeling of safe, then not at all again

He was arrested yesterday.  I saw the police walk to his unit.  I called my Mom.  Mom came over just as they were leading him out and putting cuffs on him at the police car.  Mom came in the back door.  That way there was no scene. I freaked out.  Panic attack.  Touchy.  Scared of something happening again. 

The detective called about 3 hours later.  He had confessed.  He would be in jail overnight.  He would be facing the judge today, and then probably released on conditions.  One condition (the main one for me) would be no contact with me.  The second condition they are asking for, is that he can not come back to the survey.  I would really like that. 

Last night I felt safe.  I did something I haven't done in days.  I walked around my survey and talked to people again.  I walked out my front door with less fear.  I was still nervous.  I was still having to watch my breathing.  I did it anyways.

Later, his ex/roommate (E) came to my door.  She wanted to know why I would do such a thing.  She had two family members pulling her away from my door.  All I said was "he confessed".  She said he didn't and wouldn't.  I was so shaken up.  I called the victims hot line, and then the detective in charge.  He assured me that the guy had confesses and I did not lie to E.  That she will have to deal with how she feels about it all.  He also said that if E approaches me peacefully, to give her his number, and he would tell her the truth.  He also said that if E approached me and I felt threatened, to call 911.

I no longer felt safe.  I still don't feel safe.  I know E's history.  She could kick my ass if she wanted to.  Add to that the way I am feeling, and I would probably let her.  I set my house alarm, and I kept a phone next to my bed.  I was scared she would come back.  She didn't.

Today I went to take the recycling out, and saw his truck.  Panic attack.  The feelings of fear came flooding back.  So here I sit.  Locked in my house.  The alarm set.  A phone in my had at all times.  "What if's" playing in my head.  Today he will be released.  Today I am scared.  Today will be a "stay in the house, or out back" type of day. 

In DBT, they are talking about reducing vulnerability.  My homework is on opposite to emotions, and I am to concentrate on fear and shame.  Somehow I think they planned this just for me with what I am going through right now.  I guess I could concentrate on filling out my victim impact statement.  Now there is a fear I should face.  There is the shame I should face.

My therapist said that his confession should make me feel validated.  It doesn't.  It makes me feel sad and a little angry.  It means he new he was doing something wrong, but did it anyways.  It means I was insignificant.  It means my saying no means nothing.  It means how I feel doesn't matter.  It means I mean nothing. It means I am nothing.

Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Fear, Guilt and Shame

I was raped on Friday July 1st.  I feel like it was all my fault.  I put myself in that situation.  I consented to one act.  When that act was not enough for him, things changed.

When asked if I liked anal and said no, it was ignored.  When I said "not there", when feeling his penis against my rectum, it was ignored.  I kept saying "not there" when he pushed himself into me.  I cried.  I said "no".  I said "no" again, as he pulled himself out of me and pushed back in.  I tried to get him off of me.  I finally managed to use my foot to knock him off balance.  That was were it ended. 

He did not get to ejaculate.  He stood there while I cried, putting on my underwear and flip flops.  He kept telling me to smile because that would me I was ok.  He was more worried about his ex finding out, than about how I was. 

I came home and called my Sister.  She came over.  While she was on her way, I called the confidential rape hot line, because I needed to hear that even though I consented to one aspect of it, I didn't to the other, and that it was indeed rape.  When Sis got here, I drove myself to the police station.  He was watching me leave in his doorway.  I reported it.  I went to the hospital and had a rape kit done.  I gave up my clothes that I had been wearing.  I did all I had to do. 

I tried to pretend that it didn't happen most of Saturday.  Then a detective with the sexual assault team contacted me.  I went in and gave me official video statement.  I had Mom drive me.  I couldn't drive myself there, or even home, after. 

I have been hiding in the house.  See, the man that raped me, lives next door.  It happened in his house.  I am scared of seeing him again.  I am scared of him trying to talk to me.  I am scared of him seeing me.  I look out my window all the time to see if his truck is there.  I have moved from sitting out front of my house, enjoying the kids playing, to hiding on my back patio, where I can pretend he won't see me.  I jump when I hear a door close.  I jump when someone says hello to me.  I hate when people ask me how I am doing because it is all so raw, and all I can think of saying is "no, I was raped".

I don't want the people in the complex to know about it.  I have told 3 people.  One wanted to hug me.  One did hug me.  One wants to kill the guy for me (or at least hurt him really badly).  I haven't told any of them who he is.  I am waiting on the police to do what ever it is they are going to do.  I hope they arrest him.  If that happens, he can't come back here.  I won't have so much of a reason to be scared. 

I know I will still be scared.  I have been dressed in scrubs since it happened.  No more skirts for me right now.  No more showing my legs, or any part of my body.  I hate even wearing flip-flops, because my toes are visible. I haven't been very good to Charlie.  I haven't taken him to the park in 3 days.  I have only taken him on a walk once since it happened.  This isn't good for either of us.  Showering, since the long one I took Friday night, has not been a priority, because then I will look pretty. 

I don't feel pretty.  I feel dirty.  I feel like I must not have been clear enough, or it wouldn't have happened.  I feel like I am a raw ball of hurt and fear.  I have been snapping at TJ.  I have been snapping at those I love.  They are all putting up with it, but for how long? How long can I feel so scare.  Fear is not a healthy place to be.

So for now, I hide.  I hide from everyone in the neighbourhood.  I hide from him and his ex.  I hide from people I know and people I don't know.  My best friend doesn't even know.  I am not allowed to speak to my Sister about this anymore.  She will end up testifying if this goes to court. 

DBT teaches us to do the opposite to what we are feeling so we can heal quicker.  To radically accept what has happened.  To reward ourselves when we choose not to do "problem" behaviour. 

I have been hiding.  That is how I feel.  I have not acted opposite to this feeling.  I have not dressed myself like I normally would.  I have not been taking care of myself like I normally would.  I don't know how to act opposite to this fear.I am not ready to act differently.

I have not been doing any problem behaviour.  I have not cut myself.  I continually want to.  I want to scar myself.  I want to watch my blood pour out so at least that is cleansed.  I monitor how I feel when I do have a shower.  If start wanting to scrub myself until I bleed, I decide to either end the shower, or not have one at all.  I have not had any alcohol.  I have wanted to drink myself into oblivion to forget.  I know it won't help me forget.  I know it will just bring all the fears further to the front of how I am feeling. 

To radically accept, it doesn't mean I have to say what happened to me was ok.  It means that I accept the fact that it happened, that I am doing what I can about it, and that it just is a part of my reality right now.  I can't even wrap my head around that.  All I can think about is how wrong I was, to put myself in that situation.  How wrong I was about this guy.  How it is all my fault.  How what I was wearing was part of the problem.  How being friendly to anyone can do this. 

So for now, I am hiding.  I am watching when his vehicle is here and acting like he is going to approach me.  I am scared of anyone asking me "how are you".  I am scared to go to sleep because of the dreams.  I am scared to be alone.  So I hide, in my house, or on my back patio. 

I wish I could get angry about this.  I haven't gotten there yet.  I am too scared to be angry.