Here, but not here

i know i have been sounding kind of chipper lately, and i am, in a way. i am also not wanting to isolate myself. i am not wanting to hide under my rock. i am just not in the mood for certain things right now.

Sitting at the computer playing games just isn't in my blood right now. i just don't feel the pull to it. Sitting on the couch, and reading the paper, or sitting on my bed and colouring, those are things i want to do. Going for a drive and finding a nice place to walk around would be great.

Today my mind is on camping. It is Wednesday. i really want to go on Friday. i can't afford it though. It is very likely i won't be able to go. Instead i will just be home alone. No fire. No birds flying around me. No squirrels chasing each other around. No quiet skies full of stars. No sound of wood burning. No shivering as i sit around the fire. Damn i want to go really bad.

i haven't done my decorating yet. i fell more like sitting and doing nothing. Pouting about this weekend.

1st day of Dec.

Today i am going out with Sis to get some presents for people. She is my backup. She is the way i stay sane during this season. Part of the reason why i am doing the shopping now, is because i can't handle a lot of crowds.

Today is also the day i start to decorate the house. i still haven't pulled up the decorations, but i have the rest of the day to get it done. The bathroom is fun. The living room is a little stressful, but i have pictures from last year to help me remember where everything goes. Other than that, the kitchen is basic, as is the hallway. i want to hang lights outside, but i don't really know exactly what i want to do. i will have to think on it.

So i have a busy day today. Sis is going to be a good help.

The Season is Upon Us...

Well, starting tomorrow that is. Today is about paying bills and getting groceries, and figuring out when to get what gifts for each person on my list. Today is also about getting the "pre-tree" decorations up from the basement. Today is starting to write out holiday cards, and wait for the school to deliver the photos of the MIT. Tomorrow is when i start to decorate.

i decorate my desk, entertainment center, walls, kitchen, and even the bathroom. The only rooms i don't decorate are the bedrooms. There must always be a place for escape from the stress of the season.

i already have every one's gifts picked out. i just have to go and get them all. i know, i have to leave the house, and actually go into stores. Not my favourite activity, but one that must be done. Then hiding in my non-decorated room for a little.

This year, i am not baking. i refuse. i usually end up hurting myself if i bake. i don't want that to happen. Plus, i just don't need the added stress. i may decide later to bake a few cookies, but not likely.

This year is about being as less stressed. This year is about enjoying the (soon to come) snow. This year is about remembering last year and previous years. This year is about enjoying those i love and that love me.

Cancelled and concerns

i cancelled the tea party. i cancelled it yesterday because my friend E is now in the hospital. i cancelled because i didn't want E and P and L to worry about my silly party, when E is in such bad shape. Plus i didn't want to worry about some silly party when E is in such bad shape.

i have to say, it is about time she went in. The doctors seem to agree, because she is being kept there. i am going to go in and see her tomorrow. i know she won't be getting out for a bit. That is going to be a downer for her. i will take in the tea catalogue and we can decide if we really want to buy anything out of it. i will also be taking her some diet Pepsi, since MUMC doesn't carry it in the hospital. i know i can do just those little things to help her. i'll be doing this in the morning, since i have a date tomorrow afternoon.

Now with P, well, He is in fix-it mode. Add worry mode, and i think He is going a little crazy. Him, i don't know how to help, other than to listen when He needs to talk. That is what i will do. i am good at that.

i haven't heard from L. i left Her 3 messages yesterday, and have heard nothing back. i know P left Her a message as well. i am worried about Her. i don't like not hearing from Her. i always get self conscious if i don't hear from her, like i have done something wrong, and She doesn't feel She can talk to me about it. All i can do is wait until She calls.

my date tomorrow is with T. She and i are going to New Moon. Yes i am actually going to see that movie. Her and i made a commitment to go and see it, when we first say Twilight together. i have a feeling i will also be taking her to the next one in the series. At least i know that she and i will be laughing it up, finding all the faults with the movie and walking out of there shaking our heads. It will be fun.

So tonight, E is in my prayers, along with P, L, T, and C.

Patting

i have been hiding for the last week. i didn't go out. i didn't shower. i didn't do anything i didn't have to do. All i had to do was put on a happy face for the MIT when He was here. i made food when i could. i ordered in when i couldn't. i did what i had to do. i kept a face on when needed, and i took it off when i was alone.

Yesterday i started to peak out from under my rock. i logged on to Facebook and resumed my games. Today i showered, and got dressed, and did what i had to do. i wanted to stay hidden, but i had to do things. The MIT to MUMC for the morning. Taking Him to get His hair cut with my Mom. Getting pop for E. Paid back P for smokes. Got myself some groceries. All done.

Tomorrow i am allowing myself to hide. There isn't anything i have to do tomorrow. Allowing myself a set amount of time to tuck away from the world is good for me. That is why i go camping. i can't afford to camp right now, so hiding in the house works.

After tomorrow, things get busy again. Thursday is two appointments. Friday is one appointment. Saturday is my tea party.

Oh yeah, i am having a Steeped Tea, tea party, on Saturday. Steeped Tea (well one of their sellers) is coming to my house to serve taster teas, and to take orders of their specialities. i will be serving tea food. 2 types of cucumber sandwiches, smoked salmon sandwiches, and pineapple sandwiches. All with their crusts cut off. All fancy and stuff. Oh, and with any tea, there is also a dessert. Shortbread, cream puffs, and even scones ( i hope. i am going to try and get Devonshire cream, then i will get the scones). It will be fun.

So anyways, this is my pat on my back for pulling myself out from under my rock.

And again

i am so relaxed and rejuvenated. i am at peace. i am enjoying the quiet and the dark, in my own home.

Yes, again i took myself camping. i was there for two nights this time. Godds it was great. Birds fluttering over birdseed. Squirrels chasing each other over nuggets of biscuits. Even raccoons coming right up to me at 8pm, not scared of me at all (i was scared of those spooky guys though). Again, i did nothing. No reading. No colouring. No going for long walks. i did go for a short walk and collected pine cones, but that was it.

i talked to the animals. i talked to My Baby Bear. Most of all, i sat, listened, and enjoyed the fire and being alone.

i have found the thing to do when the MIT is at Rygiel and i have no other plans.

i have also figured out what i am getting everyone on my gift list this year. i haven't gone out and gotten any of the stuff, but at least i know what it is i am getting and what it will cost me. That is a big worry out of my life. Holidays can be so stressful. i also know my schedule (most of it) for December. i know when Tree Day, Trifle day, Yule, Christmas, Last Day of School, and appointments are. i also know when some birthdays are and have figured out what those people get. i even know when i might be going camping again.

Shopping will be a breeze this year. Knowing when and how i am going to relax is calming.

i am actually excited this year.

Camping photos:

Something for ME

i took myself camping this past Saturday. It was for one night, and i want to do it again. No MIT. No Dad. Just me. And, i want to do it for more than one night. i so want to do it this coming weekend.

i struggled a lot on Friday. i had wanted to go. i kept telling myself how easy it would be, and that yes it was time to go. i just couldn't muster up the desire enough to get myself moving. Saturday i still struggled. Yes i wanted to go, but i didn't want to move from the house. i didn't have the drive to go. With my Sis's help, i got moving, but even then, it wasn't like i had the gumption to actually leave and do it. It wasn't until i was actually driving there (well, even then i had second thoughts) that i got comfortable with the idea of leaving my house to do it.

i really am glad i went. i slept in the van. i had the propane stove for tea. i brought easy food (lunch meats and buns) so i didn't have a lot of dishes. i took wood (always take more than you think you will need, because you will always need more). i was all set. i didn't even read. i just sat in my chair, and stared at the fire. Oh, and i talked to my Baby Bear, so people stayed clear of me. LOL.

Sure there are things i forgot. There are even things i have thought of taking for next time. With camping there is always evolving. By changing the trip from one night to two, food concessions will have to be made. Maybe a better book to read, and some colouring supplies to be brought. Other than that, i think i have it pretty well planned out. i could even decide what a person is getting for Yule, and start working on it (knitting, crafty, whatever).

i want to do it this weekend. Yes it will be colder, but i have solutions to that. Burning a tea light inside the van to warm it up works great. Staying 2 nights would be my dream. A friend even gave me an idea about a tarp over the van and out and across as a "shelter" to stay out of any rain or such. The MIT is gone this weekend, so yeah, i want to do it this weekend. But...

i have a million responsibilities. Going to the movies with E. Getting the MIT ready and dropped off at Rygiel. L wants me and E to go walking downtown TO. i have a doctor's appointment this week, a therapy appointment this week, and the van gets an oil change this week. All on different days. All needing my time.

i am going to fit in as much as i can, but i am going to go camping this weekend. Rain or no rain. i need this type of me time. (then again a fire pit for my backyard would be cheaper in the long run)

Starting the year off

i am taking a page from L's book. i am starting to write in a Book of Shadows again. i am using the book the MIT gave Mike in 2003. Mike never used it. It is blank, except for the page that the MIT wrote on.

i have already written in the Wiccan Creed. Next i am writing in the Pagan Creed. i am going to write in this year's Samhain "rituals". i am going to make little notes and things as they happen.

i contacted H to see if He had made the BOS we had talked about back in April of last year. The one using the leather from M. He wasn't home, but i talked to J and found out a lot of interesting stuff.

This year's Samhain brought back memories i want to keep. It brought up thoughts of the future. i need to make a connection to both.

Thank You L for being an inspiration, and letting me see it isn't such a bad thing to get started again.

The slowly shrinking boy

The MIT is now back in a size he was 3 years ago. He doesn't care if He gets in trouble. He doesn't care what is on TV. He doesn't want to go to school. He doesn't care about having to go get groceries. He does what He is told with little argument. He isn't His feisty self.

November 1st

Samhain has come and gone. i actually had a really good time this year. Like last year, i was surrounded by friends and family. Unlike last year, D wasn't there. i know how much i miss her. i can't imagine how much E is missing her. Samhain is a time when you invite your ancestors to your table, and say goodbye to those who have gone before you. It is both a happy time, and a sad time.

The MIT has been getting more fragile. He is waisting away. He is giving up. All i could think about (other than missing D and finally being reunited with L and her girls) was that soon, sooner rather than later, the MIT's picture will be on the altar. We will be wishing Him a happy journey, and supposed to be comforted that He will be waiting for me. i got myself into so much of a funk last night, that i had to leave early.

i want to fix Him. i want to be able to put that will to be involved and happy into Him. i want to make life OK for Him. i know i can't, and that is killing me inside.

Time to go back to my room and hide again.

10th year

Dear Master,

Tomorrow is our 10th year anniversary. i can't believe it has been that long. i can't believe you have been gone for so long.

10 years ago, You came to my house and helped me clean out my basement. You fondled me on the ladder. You kissed me when my Mom wasn't looking. You moved stuff, and You put stuff together. You came back the next night and stayed. After that, we were almost inseparable. i fell in love with You very quickly. You said You did also. 3 1/2 years ago, You left. Yes You died. Still, You left. i miss You less and less. i think of You less and less. i still wish You were here, but it is getting easier.

i know i am going to miss You for a very long time. i know You will always be a part of my heart. i know that, as it gets easier, missing You doesn't stop.

Happy Anniversary Master. i love You.

Things that make me go hmmmmmm.

Last night, my Sis and her friend (calling her R) took me to a strip club in Niagara Falls. It isn't the first time they have taken me. It has been a very long time. This time i wasn't the DD (designated driver) so i was able to drink. Drinking is what i did.

i had 8 Bacardi Breezers (orange) and 7 shooters. 4 were Goldschlager. i have no idea what the other 3 were. i can tell you what it tasted like coming up at 5:30 am, but other than that, no idea. Man was i drunk. i could still walk a straight line. i could still talk ok. i just knew i was very drunk, my nose was numb, as were my legs.

i don't find the strippers very appealing. Some, sure. Most are young and don't know how to move. The older one caught my attention, but it was short lived. What did catch my eye, was two waiters. The one, much younger than myself, and short, and had a nice chest. He walked around shirtless, and let me take shooters from his belt. LOL. The other, was older. Cute in a different sort of way. Shirt on the entire time. Him i would have loved to take home.

Well, i found out that R was going to ask him for his number for me. So, to avert that little high school like situation, i told him what was going to happen, and told him it was ok to just give her a fake number. He surprised me. He wanted to know why he would do that, and that he would just give it to me himself. And, he did.

So here i sit. Sober. With a phone number to a waiter, whose name i didn't know until he wrote it on the paper with his number, and no idea when or if to call him.

ARRRRGGGG

Time to breathe

So, P is good. He is out of the hospital. Tests came back fine. Has follow-ups and stuff, but for now, all is good.

Dad is good. He saw the doctor today, and gave them blood. Blood pressure is much better. Has more follow-ups, but for now, all is good.

MIT is a teen. He hurt me the other day. Head-butted me badly. i still have a goose-egg on my forehead from it. 8pm bedtimes for 3 weeks.

Now for me. i want back. i am ready. i want pain. i want to serve. i want to submit. All good things to say, but not the way to say it. i am ready for pain. i am ready to serve. i am ready to submit. That is better. It doesn't matter what i want, just that i am ready for it again. Yes hanging out with P and K and L and E and B helped prompt it out of me again. That isn't a bad thing. It feels like home when i am like that with them.

So yes, i am ready. In safe places. With safe people. People i trust and know. People i love and who love me. Yes i know i will end up going home alone. Yes i may feel like an extra sometimes. It doesn't matter.

i am ready.

This weekend is Thanksgiving. Next weekend is the MIT to Rygiel (weekend off). The next weekend, after that, is camping with Dad, the MIT, and me. My ways to relax. Now, what kind of trouble can i get into this weekend??

Another One

First my Dad, and now P. Both cardiac issues. Both had/getting angiograms. Both getting wake-up calls. i am doing what i can, but, as per who i am, i am letting them guide me. They get to call, or ask, and i am right there. If they are overwhelmed, i stay back.

Last night i stayed at E's. Well, really, i spent the day and night and part of today there. Who ever thought cookies needed to be baked after mid-night didn't realize the ramifications. LOL. Then staying up talking to 5, while interesting and entertaining, was not the brightest of ideas. LOL.

i want to fix it. i want to be at the hospital with E, and with L, and with K when the surgery is going on. No, i am not all healthy, but still. The MIT will be back at school tomorrow. He is healthy now. That means i have the time. That means i am free to be with them all.

i just called. i told E i want to be there tomorrow. She said yes. i am going to go and hang out at her place with K and L. Baby Bear will be coming, and E is telling Lucy. i even get to give E a wake-up call at 6am. i have also arranged for Sis to get the MIT off His bus after school because P's procedure isn't booked until 2, and i want to be there to hear He is ok.

So, now that all has been arranged, i am off to bed so i can be up and ready for the day with bright eyes.

Blech

Today sucks.

The MIT is still home from school. He will be off until at least Monday. Gods i hope it is only until Monday. i am sick. Sneezes abound. i feel like crap.

i have been eating better. The only problem is after 9. After 9, i feel sooooo hungry. i crave everything. Meat, chocolate, cereal even. The nurse says it is because my body isn't used to normal blood sugars, and it is like my body is saying i have a low sugar, and needs the food. Problem with me, is i can't stop. Once i start eating, i just can't stop. i don't know how to fix this yet. i will figure something out. i just don't know what yet.

i have shown L a site i thought She would like. Well, She did. i definitely have to start learning how to do tatting. i have so many ideas for gifts for people. All just doing tatting. Then there is back to painting and etching glass. So many ideas. i should start a list. Not here. Don't want anyone i am making for seeing what i am making. Maybe that is something i can do when i get hungry. Plus there is also knitting again. The MIT really likes my knitted blanket. i want to make a bigger one.

Ok, time to go get dinner ready and take my meds.

Sick, and other stuff

The MIT has been sick since we returned from camping. i sent Him to school on the Monday and the Tuesday, but then He was getting worse, so i have kept Him home since. He was much better on Friday, before He went to Rygiel, but came home sicker (is that a real word?). Usually He arrives at Rygiel perfectly well and comes home sick. i thought maybe it would work the opposite way this time, but i was wrong. So here i sit. Home with the MIT. Sick, myself. At least we got the all clear from the doctor saying it is just a cold.

i have decided to be a role model for my Dad. i have got to get back on the horse in keeping my blood sugars normal. Got to. How can i tell my Dad what to do, when i am doing the complete opposite? Yesterday was grocery shopping, and i have so much healthy food in the house, it is ridiculous. Yes there are treats for the MIT, but i am going to make myself stay away from them. i even have yogurt for me for my night time snack. Raspberry and dragon fruit is yummy. Today i was good and actually had breakfast. Egg and toast. Maybe if i eat all day (portion sizes and stuff) i won't feel so famished at night. That is a huge goal for me. i am even putting up my little post-it notes in the kitchen and around the house. "Eat breakfast", " Lunch at 1:00", "No snacking after 9:00", and my favourite "Follow YOUR plan!!!". Adding to all this, the keeping up on taking my meds (when i have them) and making sure i always have them. Plus there is the checking of the blood sugars. Time to kick it up a notch. i may even join the Y and get some exercise in. That would be a big help. There are some programs i am interested in. i just need to try them, so i can actually see if i can do them. This is where my Sis's membership will come in handy. She can let me join a few classes for a free trial before i decide what it is i want to participate in.

i am missing Thistle. She was cute and calming to me. i could just sit and hold her for hours. i want a hedgehog so badly. i have made a deal with my Sis, that once i am approved for ODSP, i can get one. i am going to get a male and E and i are going to breed them. Mine will be registered, so that can add to the value of the babies. i just have to find a registered breeder, and get the supplies, and then off we can go. Some research is involved, but i am up for it. Who knows, i may just end up with a clan of them.

L and i have reconnected. i am not going to let that friendship go. i will be emailing her, or calling her once a week. Same as i do with P. They can be so controlling LOL. That is partly why i love them both. It is nice and comforting to have my family back together. Now to get us all back in the same room at the same time.

Today is forms and deadlines. i have my "income assessment" for my housing to hand in today. i have meds to pickup. i have my gas bill to hand into OW to increase my check (they took off $100 because of my van). The increase will only be about $20, but everything helps.

Wow, this bdsm journal sure has nothing to do with bdsm. It hasn't for a while. Then again, that is where my life is right now. BDMS, not a priority. Getting my life somewhat normal is. You can't give over control of something you don't already have control over. That is what i am working on. Getting control of my life (where i can) so that when i find One that can handle me (LOL), i have my life under enough control, that giving over some of it, is a true symbol of my submission.

Well, time to go to the drug store, and then home to take meds.

Breaking the silence

i contacted Her. Finally. We figured out some stuff. We are good now. i am glad She accepted my friendship again. She is glad i accept Hers. It was and is time. It was bitter sweet catching-up with Her. All the things we have both missed out of the other's lives. It is all good though. i am sure we will be doing more catching-up. i can't wait to see Her. i need to give Her one of my hugs. i need to feel one of Hers.

Dad, MIT, and Adventures

So Dad is fine. Well, not really but yes. He had an angiogram, and it came back normal. No blockages, not to much plaque, no issues that needed to be addressed. So he was discharged on Wednesday. He is diabetic (type 2), but he won't acknowledge it. He does have high blood pressure, but he won't acknowledge it. He has heart damage (it only is working at 65%), but he won't acknowledge it. So what do we do this weekend?

We go camping!!!!!

Yes i took Dad, and the MIT camping again. Dad was on restrictions on what he was allowed to do, but didn't stick to them, and i didn't smother him. i would ask how he was feeling when he looked pale. i would check his blood sugars in the morning, or when he felt faint. i let him try to listen to his body. That is the only way he will learn. i also allowed him and the MIT to gang up on me and boss me around a little.

i also controlled what we all ate. i made sure it was all healthy, and included lots of veggies, and had moderate amounts of carbs. Of course i also made sure everyone took their meds when they were supposed to.

Yes it was stressful, but it was also fun and to me, curiously enough, relaxing. i still say we needed more fire wood. i will make sure we have enough next time.

Today is laundry and dishes day. Plus, i get to take a splinter out of my leg. Other than that, enjoy the quiet while the MIT is at school.

Happy Mabon. i will be doing a little ritual tonight, and will be serving stew (celebrating the harvest of root veggies and squash and "fall veggies"), apple crisp, and whole grain bread. Plus i will be making a fire in my BBQ again. i really love this time of year.

Dad update

Well, Dad is stable. Sort of. His blood pressure is still fluctuating. His legs are still swollen. He still gets winded easily. At least he is out of emerg. and in a room in the day surgery ward. No TV or phone for him, but access to the smoking area.

The MIT has gone with Mom. She will be keeping Him tonight. Now i get to fall to pieces.

i am so scared. i don't want to loose my Daddy. i don't like him being old. i don't like him being sick. i don't like worrying about him. i don't know what will happen with the MIT if Dad dies. They are so close. i don't think He can handle that amount of loss. Then again, i don't know if I can handle that amount of loss.

i haven't been vomiting. i think my brain told my body it had to get better so i can go and see him. i am scared to go and see him. i don't want to see him in a hospital bed. i don't want to see him hooked up to monitors.

He will be in for a while. They will be starting testing on Monday. Checking his heart, veins flow, arterial flow. Those sort of things. i may have to cancel the camping trip we have scheduled for this coming weekend. He told me on the phone not to cancel it. Mom says he is to stay there and take all the tests no matter how long it takes, or until the staff kick him out for being a pain in the ass.

i just need to go and cry for a while. Just let out this fear and then go and visit him. It has to be before 8. That is when hours are over. i may even find a way to stay the night with him. Go out for smokes with him.

So off i go. To hide and cry and panic for a little while. Then put on my Advocate face and go see him.

Realizing parents get old

For the last few weeks, my Dad hasn't been feeling well. He wouldn't go to the doctor. He hasn't gone to one in 8 years. Thursday night, my Dad told my Mom to make an appointment with the doctor for him. Damn, he must have been feeling really bad.

At the doctor's, they found out that his blood pressure was dangerously high (288/172), his legs were swollen, and he has been feeling light headed. The doctor sent him directly to the hospital. They processed him immediately (the doctor had called ahead). The results?

Dad will be in the hospital for a little bit. He needs his blood pressure to come down. He had a heart attack in the last 24 hours. There may be damage to his heart, but don't know how much.

It isn't often i feel helpless. This is one of them. See, i am sick. i have been vomiting, and nauseous for the last 2 days. i just forced myself to eat something to make sure i won't throw up. If i don't throw up, i am going to go and see him. i am going to get answers i need. i am going to check him all over myself, just to make sure he is being treated well.

Logically, i know my Dad is getting older, and health problems should be expected. Emotionally, he is my Daddy. He never gets sick. He can handle anything. He is like superman.

Me? i am feeling like Daddy's little girl that needs him to tell me everything will be alright and fine, and nothing bad will happen.

Less than 2 weeks left.

We have been doing "back to school" stuff lately. We have all the supplies. We have gotten the MIT's hair cut and coloured again (this year he is a redhead with an army cut). We have gotten His teeth checked (2 cavities). Today is a doctor's visit. All the stuff for Him to be ready to return to school. i am so excited.

Soon i will be able to catch a sleep after He leaves for school. Soon i will not have to take Him to get groceries or anything, i can do it while He is at school. It is a freeing time of year. Yes i am still on call. Yes i still have to worry about Him getting hurt or having really bad days, but it is freeing.

i have been thinking very hard about L lately. God i miss Her. i can't make the first move though. i can't contact Her before She, if ever, contacts me. See, in my eyes, She pulled from me. She took me off Her friends lists (FB and FL). She stopped accepting emails from me. She couldn't even bring Herself to drop off my stuff to me. God that hurt. i still remember Her words in our final email to each other. The words hurt so much. So, no. i can't contact Her.

If She contacted me? Wow, i would be elated. i would answer Her in a moment. i would respond, and i would go see Her and wrap my arms around Her and tell Her it would be alright, and i would tell Her how proud i am of Her. i would offer Her what ever i had to give. myself, my service, my shoulder, my talents. i am already doing some of it. i am watching. i wonder if She is watching me?

P has been around a lot lately. i appreciate the attention. i know part of it is to bring me back out and around. i have been hiding this summer. Heck, i have been hiding from everyone, even M from the neighbourhood. She is still in the thralls of her relationship. She only calls or comes over when she wants something. i don't need that. i have only enough energy to give, and she is not someone i really want to give it to.

i feel like i am babbling. Like i am not staying on any topic. i had better go and settle my thoughts and myself a little. i have been really unsettled lately.

A Bad Week, but that isn't on my mind.

For as bad as my week was, i have anything but on my mind. Tonight i just want to be.

i want to be on my knees at some One's feet.

i want to feel some One's nails combing threw my hair.

i want to lean my head on some One's leg and feel the warmth of their skin.

i want to hear a whisper in my ear.

i want to be told i am beautiful.

i want to feel skin against my skin.

i want to please some One just by my actions and anticipation.

i want to be massaging some One's feet.

i just want to be with some One that knows who i am and what i can do, and how special it is for me to give myself.

Summer is almost finished. Plus some introspection.

With summer vacation coming to an end, i have to say that i finally got the MIT and Dad camping. Finally. We went from the 6-8 and had a great, quiet time. Well other than the Raccoons hunting and gathering from our site. LOL. i have already booked our weekend in September. It did help throw in my face how much the MIT has lost in a year. He couldn't get up to go to the "pee tree" by Himself. One of us had to have at least 2 hands on Him at all times, and that was with Him having both sides working. He nearly fell into the fire 6 times.

i can't wait for school to start. At least then i will be getting some sleep during the days. Until then, it is up all night and sleep when i get the chance. Tomorrow Sis is taking the MIT to a movie. i can sleep then.

So the therapist and i started the "borderline personality disorder" questionnaire, and wouldn't you know it, i might be bi-polar LOL. i get to ask friends and family if they have ever seen my "manic" and how i acted, and how i was, and if they have ever seen the large depression afterwards. Great, feedback i really don't want to hear about.

On the BDSM side of me. Still nothing. No desire for it. No desire to put myself out there. i know that side is still in me. When ever P comes for a visit i can drop right back into that mindset. i just try really hard not to. It makes me feel too alone afterwards, even after just asking for a smoke, or asking Him if He wants something to drink. The loneliness afterwards is so hard.

i know that if i ever did get involved like that with someone, it would have to be with someone just for me. At least for a little while. Just so i can get my bearings back again, and not have to go home feeling so alone again.

i am actually missing L a lot. i had felt such a connection with Her. i know She is going through a lot, and Her life isn't easy right now. i wish i could be a help to Her. i just don't know if She will ever be able to accept me for who i am, and if She will ever want me back in Her life. She did say some things that really hurt me. i know me though. i know i can forgive and forget. i just don't know if She can, or if She wants to. i still feel that connection to Her, even without speaking to Her in almost a year. i am just not going to make the first move on this. Not this time. i have gone back to Her too many times with my tail between my legs.

After therapy.

So i had therapy on Friday. Only a few things were really said. One being said (and the most important one in my head) is that i am going to be tested for borderline personality disorder. Great. Like i don't feel crazy enough already.

Yawning and Tired

i have been up all night again. It happens every night the MIT is home. This night was bad. Lots of stopping breathing. Lots of low heart rates. i had to do AR on Him. That is two nights in a row. Nights suck.

i have been wearing my "dress" cuffs almost daily. i am getting that urge again. That one to find someone. The urge and need to feel connected to someone physically and mentally, and even sexually. It doesn't happen often. i have a "fantasy Master" right now. When i do get to sleep, my brain goes to him. He is a real person. He isn't anyone i know. He is just the figure head in my dreams.

The fantasies always pertain to service and objectification. Being a table for him to eat off of. Being an ashtray holder in the corner. Making sure i have taken care of my personal hygiene and stuff before making him breakfast and serving it to him. No sex. Little pain. All about service and being an object. Even being at his beck and call feels like being an object in my dreams. Then again, in my dreams i can kneel for hours on end without my feet falling asleep or my knees hurting me. Fantasies and dreams are good that way.

i guess i am feeling like the pain is secondary to the service. Then again, i have often felt that way.

Today

Today i am going to sleep. i am going to get as much sleep as possible.

Today i am going to cook Beef in Red Wine Sauce with egg noodles, plus ceasar salad.

Today i am going to remain calm and relaxed.

Today i am going to finish reading a book.

Today i am going to enjoy the MIT going to my parent's house.

Today i am going to pick a time to go camping with the MIT and my Dad.

Today i have a bit of a plan.

Today i will try to stick to it.

So much to say?

There is so much to say right now. i am going to try to keep on topic in each paragraph, but i can't promise that is going to happen.

The MIT is deteriorating still. He is loosing milestones still. His balance is way off. He falls more. He gets hurt more often. He hardly has good days. Most days He only has one side that works. At least 2 days a week are full blown and hard. He knows His body is against Him. It is hard watching Him be so aware that He is doing worse physically. He gets so frustrated. i can totally understand why. Going outside or even going to get groceries is taxing on His body. He would much rather sit on the couch, loose sides and be comfortable. At least that way He knows He is safe from getting hurt. It is sad watching my active and karate kid not want to do anything. At least we still do cuddles and have started paper ball fights. That brings smiles to His face.

People i called friends, have been having a difficult time of things lately. i feel sorry for them. i feel their grief. i feel their torment. i had wished they would be a couple that would make it. It doesn't look like that would happen. Yes i have been keeping tabs on them. They were such a big part of my life for a long time. i no longer hold hard feelings for them. i actually miss Her. i wish she would let me back in Her life. i will not push it. It is up to Her. i always loved to serve Her. To be in Her presence. She brought out a side of me that i have lost. Maybe out paths will cross again. Maybe they won't. Whatever happens in the future, i hope She knows that i am here for Her. When She is ready.

Now on to me. i am a still a screwed-up, depressed version of me, but that side has always been there. i go to therapy every 1-2 weeks. i am on plenty of medications to treat the depression and anxiety. i talk of my feelings openly to my therapist. i don't hide how i feel with her anymore. i don't deflect as much. i know she can't fix that part of me. Heck, i can't fix that part of me. All i or she can do is help me manage it. She can help me express my feelings over the MIT and the changes He is going through. She lets me bounce ideas off her. She lets me come to decisions on my own.

i have found myself much calmer since making a major decision.

i am no longer looking for the elusive Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress that likes someone that is experienced, knows her limits and is happy to explore them with someone she knows. i am no longer on any of the "searching" sites. No profile on Collarme, Bondage, or Alt. There isn't any point. All the Tops that are searching seem to be looking for someone that is new and young and skinny. It isn't me. i am experienced. i am confident in my abilities. i am not into plain kinky sex. i need more than that. i need someone that would be comfortable in the "dating before playing" to get to know someone. i need someone that is confident in their selves enough to know that an older woman is still a precious commodity. i need someone that understands i may be a little broken, but am putting the pieces together myself. So i came to the decision that i don't need it. i don't need the constant looking. i don't need the "kneel now" emails. i don't need the people looking for kinky sex. i don't need to look. i am comfortable in just being. i have gone so far as to put all the toys away. They are in Mike's old suitcase. They are available, but not in use. They are away, along with that side of me that craves the pain and submission. It wasn't an easy decision, but one that has brought me peace.

With this transformation, i have acquired 2 things on my body. A cutting of Mike's initials, and a tattoo. The cutting is a reminder that His influence on me will never leave. It is a sign of how much of who i am now, is because of Him. It is also a symbol of that piece of me that is still missing. The tattoo is another reminder. It is of a locket, like the one Mike gave me as my daily collar, with His leather collar around the bottom, and our favourite whip (Raven's Kiss) trailing behind. It is beautiful. It is a symbol of who i was, who i am, and who i can be again.

In a way, i feel like i have awaken. i have found a comfortable spot in the universe for me. Sure it isn't where i pictured i would be in 2009, but it is where i am. i am Mom. i am not slave, submissive, or someone's. i am me.

Oh, here is a pic of my tattoo the day it was done.

Back for a bit

i know i have been away for a while. i am still here. i am just lost right now. Lost in thought. Lost in responsibility. Lost in my own head. i have no map to help me find my way out. i am doing it the hard way. A therapy session at a time. Talking about how i feel. Contemplating my future. Watching my son. If there is a way out of this maze, i will find it. i just don't know when, or how.

That time of year again

i know. i haven't been here in a while. It is that time of year again. The time in the year that i reflect on where i am (my birthday past and i am almost 40, and can't say i am happy with my station in life), how the MIT is doing (His health is getting worse, and He is loosing more weight, and is getting sick more often. Plus He is getting older), and what has happened in the past.

Right this moment, and since the middle of March, i keep "living" in different years. 2005, 2006, and 2007. Each day i know what happened that long ago. i loose what day of the week it is, depending on the year i am "living" in. It feels like i am going crazy. Luckily i am seeing my therapist today (it is 4:30 am right now).

i have been hiding from friends. i have made a few new friends. That old childhood song about old friends and new friends and silver and gold rings true for me. Yes i am hiding from my old friends, but it is because i am having enough trouble living in the now, without sharing memories with them. The new friends, well, it is easy to forget, for a little while, how many years it has been and how sad and emotional i am right now. They are a great escape.

i did my cutting finally. The one of Mike's initials. The mark i have been needing and wanting for so long. The mark we used to talk about when He was alive. It is on my left breast, in an area He had already marked with a knife. i just finished it off. i am going to maintain it. Keep it fresh and clear. i need it. It felt so right when i did it. Doing it, calmed me in a way regular cutting hasn't. Even now, a week after i did it, i still run my fingers over it, and know who i belong to.

i took down my profiles from collarme, and alt. i don't need them any more. i also put most of the S/m toys away. Again, i don't need them any more. i guess you could say i have decided to bury that side of myself. i have to. No one will be able to live up to Mike's legacy right now. i don't even want someone in my life right now. Sure sex would be nice, but i have toys for that.

Oh yeah. i cut my arm Wednesday. i now have 5 stitches holding together a 2 1/2" gash on my right forearm. It is ugly, but healing nicely. Stitches can come out in 10-15 days. Until then, i wear saran wrap in the shower.

Overall, life has been sucky. But, i am still here. Still kicking. Still lingering. Still hanging on.

Proud Mommy!!!!!!

He did it. He earned His brown belt. my son. my wonderful, temper mental, teenage son. i am so proud of Him. Next is brown stripe, red, red stripe and finally black. He was so proud of Himself, He allowed my Dad to take a picture of Him wearing it. i will post said picture once i get a copy of it.

i am just so proud.

Birthday weekend

Today is my full day off. i slept in (waking at 9:30). i have breakfast without anyone bothering me. i made and had a good, healthy lunch. i have done the dishes. i have finished knitting another ball of wool into my afghan. i am relaxing the only ways i know how.

The MIT will be here soon. i will help Him get changed into His uniform. i will send Him off to do His best and hope He is able to earn His brown belt. i am very proud of Him.

Today is also L's birthday. Part of me wants to send her a card, and wish her good wishes. i wanted to do the same on D's birthday. i just can't bring myself to do it. A friendship with them is not something i want to pursue, but they are still important in the MIT's mind. He knows it is her birthday. He asked if i was going to send her a card, just like when D's birthday came up. i can honestly say the hate is gone. The hurt is still raw. So no, i won't be sending a card to her today. Just like what happened on D's birthday. It is better that way. i know i am not someone they want to hear from, and i am still to hurt by what happened to put it all behind me.

Today is a just me day. A day to do what i want, need and enjoy. (plus wish i had a smoke, but not going to go and get any or smoke any. Week 5 starts Wednesday)

And it keeps going

The spotting i mean. i went for my ultrasound and then the doctor's. Won't know the results until Monday or Tuesday. When i move or change position, i bleed again. i am getting frustrated. i want the pain and the bleeding to stop. i want to get "normal" again.

Still not smoking. It is amazing how my bank account is reflecting this. It is interesting not having to worry about running out of money for another week. i am really proud of myself. i am doing really well.

i am getting bored with the afghan. i want to make something more difficult. i want to make something to wear. i think. i will finish the afghan. i will finish it soon. i will be needing it when we go camping again. i am trying to convince everyone (meaning the MIT, and Dad) that we should go at the end of this month, or the middle of April for the first trip of this year. i also need to figure out when we have to book sites for the summer. i so want to go camping again. It will be different with not smoking. i will need stuff to do with my hands when the MIT and Dad are busy watching DVD's. i am glad i have more recipes in my arsenal now. It will make camping and meal eating more fun.

Etsy is still drawing my attention. Sometimes it inspires what i want to do next. Sometimes it makes me want to spend money. i have a list of favourite sellers and favourite items a mile long. And i keep going back. There are so many interesting "shops" there. i have favourite jewelery shops. i have favourite pottery shops. i even have favourite handmade purse shops. i don't really have favourite knitting shops, mainly because i can knit and like to knit, and if they are listed as one of my favourites, it is because i want to borrow their patterns or ideas.

Oh, big news. The MIT is going to be grading for His BROWN belt on the 14th. He is doing really well with it, and His teachers are being really positive and only making a few concessions for Him. He is even self advocating to do it. He knows when He can ask to test. He knows that He needs to work hard. i am really proud of Him. After brown, it is brown-stripe, red, red-stripe, black. His teachers are working really hard to get Him to black. They want it so bad for Him. i am proud of them all.

Ok, time to get ready to go out and get groceries with my Mom and Dad (still no driving allowed). Then home to make chili and store it, chicken noodle soup and store it, banana bread and store it, and apple crisp and store it. It is a keep busy day. i don't know what i am trying to hide from, but it is what baking and cooking help me do.

And then....

i did go to my therapist and told her how i was feeling about my last appointment with her. She totally understood. We talked about it, realized that it hit her personally and that she wasn't completely professional that day. i forgave her. i understand that for a woman (and she is younger than myself) the subject of giving up on having kids can be difficult. No big deal.

Best part was that i told her how i felt. i didn't let the idea that i wouldn't be pleasing and was probably not going to be getting her approval didn't stop me. i am getting better at that. Same thing with asking my Mom and Dad and Sis for help. i don't mind if they say no to me. It isn't a personal attack if they do that. It doesn't mean i am a bad person if i speak up. i still struggle with this, but i am watching myself get better with it.

Saturday was a difficult day. i pushed one of the MIT's OCD buttons, and He ended up getting physical with me. This included 2 kicks (and not passive ones, but deliberate ones) to my gut. Once i had gotten Him all calmed down, and sitting on the couch with my Sis, i went into my room, collapsed on my bed and i went into shock. i called the doctor on-call, and was told to take pain killers and if they worked, not to worry. Well, i started spotting Monday. i couldn't push out the pee from my full bladder without pain and more effort than should be required. i called the doctor yesterday. She is going to be sending me for an ultrasound. i am seeing her on Friday and we will be doing a urine test. On top of that, i have instructions to follow.

No driving
i can no longer pick up a laundry basket
i need to ask someone to put a 12 pack of pop in the fridge for me
i can not push the MIT in His wheelchair
If the spotting increases, i am to call and get an appointment to be seen
If i can not go pee again, i am to call and get an immediate appointment
Drink lots of water (tea is ok, but not so much diet pepsi. i drink tea slower than pop)
If it hurts, don't do it

At least i am still not smoking. Today started week 3. The staff at the diabetic clinic are proud of me. my therapist is proud of me. my Sis's groups is proud of me. The MIT's nurse is actually proud of me (she was sure i wouldn't and couldn't do it past a day or two). Heck, i am very proud of me.

Today i am fascinated by Etsy. It is an interesting site. i am enjoying looking at the "stores" of those in my province, and even in my city. It is cool. Some of the things i am seeing, i want. Other stuff is giving me ideas. The great news is i have been sitting here, and not craving a smoke. Go me!

Oh yeah...i gave up Chinese food for Lent

One week since

It has been one week since my surgery. It has been one week since i decided to quit smoking. So here is what has been happening.

Surgery - it went really well. The doctor was able to reach my fallopian tubes and clip them. i am now not able to get pregnant. i no longer have to worry about a little egg getting fertilized. Now, when i miss months of periods, i don't have the worry about possibly being pregnant (in those times i actually have sex). The hole in my belly button is healing slowly. The hole above my c-section scare is well passed healed. i have bruising on my belly that would scare some sadists (not any i know but you get the idea). The doctor had said she sends most people back to work a week after the surgery. When i reminded her that my "work" includes lifting a 150 lb teenage boy, she said i should take 3 weeks. Like that is possible. He (the MIT) decided that the surgery was going to make me sweeter and nicer and not so mean. He realized that wasn't the case when i sent Him to bed at 8:00 because of bad behaviour. i think i have to stop letting Him watch so many dog programs.

Stopping smoking - It has been over a week without a smoke. my sense of smell is heightened (i can even smell the meds on the patches i put on every morning). my sense of taste is better. The cold i had left with in days. i have been knitting. i am almost 1/2 way done. i am making a Quaker Stitch afghan. See :

It is an interesting stitch. i am really enjoying it. i knit when i feel like having a smoke or even if i am just bored and am thinking of eating for no reason.

Today is therapy day. Today i get to tell Sandy that i actually had the surgery. i don't know why her trying to talk me out of it, or just talking about not having it done bothered me so much, but it did, and still does. Like i didn't think it out all the way? Like i will regret it at the age of 45 and want to try to have another child? Like i have the energy to have another child? There are way to many other options if i ever felt that way. Everything from fostering to adoption. Yup, it is still bothering me.

Today, i am also looking at my bank account. i didn't have to put out $100 for smokes last week. i didn't have to put out $100 this week for smokes. It is weird, and i don't trust it yet. i don't trust that i will not need the money for something serious or for something "just because".

OK, time to head off to shower and get ready for Sandy.

Photos and memories

Today i have been putting old photos into photo albums. i started yesterday, and got quite frustrated. i would live the memories. i would think back to that time in my life. i would remember things and start to grieve again. It wasn't a very successful day.

Today, it has been more about just getting it done. i was able to put away years 99-02. Later i may go back and look at the photos and remember more. Later i may let myself get lost in the memories. i don't feel like doing that today.

i still have from 2002 until the last set my mom gave me. i need another album or two to complete that. Until then, i have the last 10 years of my son's life all put away.

Quit day coming

i am officially prepared for quit day. i only smoke in one spot in the house, and the rest of the time it is outside. i have my gift to myself in celebration to quiting. i have the surgery to help keep smoking off my mind. i will have pain on Thursday to help keep smoking off my mind.

The gift to myself is the wool and needles i have bought myself today. i have picked out my first knitting project, and i have everything i need for it. i am so excited, i want to start today, but i am not going to do that. It is my treat for quiting smoking on Wednesday. That is how i am picturing it. The good thing for giving up the yucky thing.

Other treats i will be giving myself at certain intervals are books, special ingredients for recipes, and what i am going to be doing in the summer (plants i want, building planting beds). i may even put some towards clothes.

Really, right now, the idea of saving money (over $1600 per year, plus gas) isn't part of my thoughts of quiting smoking. i know i will probably be spending a lot of that money on knitting projects. i know that some of it will go to more books on things like hedgewitch and incense blends. i know other parts of it will be going to my new joy in cooking.

One thing the "smoking" money will not be going to is food treats. There isn't any point. i don't want to gain weight while i am quiting. That wouldn't be a good thing. So treats are reserved to bettering myself, bettering my environment, and bettering my wardrobe.

So yes, i am actually looking forward to my quit day. i am looking forward to not needing to get up out of this chair, or any place i am sitting, just to have a stinky smoke.

Taking steps

i have started taking the steps to quitting smoking. i have removed the ashtray from near the computer. i have removed the ashtray from my room. i have 2 ashtrays out, and the rest put away. i am changing where i smoke, and when i smoke. All steps to making my quit day easier.

Other stuff. Hmmm. On the 4th i had the diabetic clinic, then doctors, then dentist. At the clinic, i told them about my quit date. i also told them about me cooking more and ordering in less. i was honest about not checking my blood sugars, about not taking my meds all the time, and about the amount of stress i was under. i told them about the antibiotics, and the strep. They were really happy. i mean really happy. They were proud of my choices. They were proud of my attempts. They understood about the stress. i walked out feeling pretty good about myself.

Off to the doctor's i went. We also talked about my stress level, how i was feeling, and what was going on in my life. We talked about the upcoming surgery, and what would happen if the gyno couldn't do the tubal. Another good appointment.

Off to the dentist. An emergency situation. Real pain i couldn't handle anymore. It was decided i would have a tooth removed. So, in goes the freezing and out comes the tooth. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch. The gauze kept catching on something. i found a "sliver" i could wiggle around. i went back to the dentist the next day. He couldn't see anything. That night, i did it myself. i found the sliver, took a pair of jewelry pliers and pulled out the sliver. Yes it was bloody, and yes it hurt, but i did it. Since then, the healing has been happening nicely.

Today i am home with a sick kid. Yes the MIT is sick again. Cough, sneezes of projectile mucus, and a fever. He was home also yesterday. These past two days have been filled with Smallville. i think my brain has turned to mush.

Today i also went out shopping with my Mom for my birthday presents. i had given her a detailed list, and she got what she could off it, but i wanted to pick out 2 things myself. my family doesn't care if i know what i am getting, they are just happy i am wanting to celebrate this year, and actually want stuff, and not just money.

Here is my list:

• enamel coated cast iron dutch oven - gotten
• cutting board - gotten
• wire shelves (for the bathroom) - gotten
• cutlery tray
• 2 mortar and pestles - gotten (1)

Oh yeah. i have been baking. i have made 2 banana breads, and 2 apple crisps in the last 4 days. i want to bake more. i want to make brownies from scratch. i want to make more apple crisps (and i have the apples to do it). i want to make more banana bread (and i have the bananas to do it, just have to wait for them to ripen more). i just want to bake and cook. If i can't bake or cook anything, i end up cleaning.

i don't know if i am avoiding anything, or if i am just feeling hyper. Heck i am not really feeling anything. i am worried about the surgery. i am worried about the MIT. i am worried about finances. i am worried about getting wool and patterns for after the 18th. i am worried about my teeth. i guess i am avoiding a few feelings right now. my big question is, how do i face them?

OK, time to go and spend more time with the MIT until the nurse gets here, and then off to read for a while.

Quiting and Tubes

So, today i set a quit date. i picked the 25th of Feb. i then talked to my Dad and he suggested i join one of the many "free" quit smoking thingies. So i called. Suffice it to say, i am getting free patches, but my quit date is now the 18th of Feb. It doesn't scare me. i am not as enjoyed about smoking as i used to be. i am ready to quit.

i also got a call at 2:30. my gyno had a cancellation, so i am having my tubal ligation on the 18th of Feb. i have an appointment with her on the 12th, along with pre-op. Then on the 18th, i get to go to to the hospital on the 18th at 12:00, and then surgery at 2:30. It isn't a positive that it will work. See i am fat. The doctor isn't sure the instruments will be able to reach threw my fat and actually get to my tubes. So, i go in for surgery, but there is no guarantee that it will actually happen. At least the prospect is there.

So, i am now off to buy some smokes, then head over to P&E's with Beef and Barley soup.

Looking forward

Imbolc Altar

Yesterday was Imbolc. i celebrated in my own unique style. i didn't start until after noon. i gathered white candles, and instead of having them in a circle on my altar, i put them all over the house. Sort of using my house as the altar. Sure i had the lt. green Goddes candle, and the lt. yellow God candle, the cauldron, the "right" crystals, the white flowers, and vanilla and cinnamon incense. i even had the "bon fire" set up in my bbq. i even served chicken with new herbed potatoes, and served pound cake with custard. (i don't have any pictures of the meal or fire. The MIT wouldn't let me take any)



Now, i look at Imbolc as the day for making resolutions and making wishes, instead of the "traditional" New Years. So here is what i am looking forward to doing as i look forward to the rest of the year.

• Getting a bird feeder, and keeping it filled year round. (i need to pick a great place, so my patio doesn't get all poopy, but so i can see the birds, especially during the winter, from my window.)
• Asking for more kitchen supplies to further my cooking crusade. (my birthday wish list shows just that)
• Promising myself to watch how my body feels when i eat properly, and laying off the ordering in (cheaper in the long run), and the eating of heavy or junk food snacks. (Yes i feel different when i do not eat the junk food or order in as much. i actually feel, normal.)
• Picking a quit date, and following through. (i know i need to quit smoking, and i am not enjoying it as much as i used to. It is a good time to do it, especially since i have friends doing the same thing. i will be consulting my doctor about this.)
• Knitting again. Blankets, pillows, scarves, hats, and even socks. (Knitting has helped me keep my hands busy when i have quit in the past. It is time to get back on it.)
• Not go looking for the love of a lover. (i have lots of love in my life. Sure a companion would be nice, but i am not going to settle for just anyone. i am not ready to go looking, and i am not ready to have a "special someone" in my life just yet.)
• Keep each Sabbath in my own way, honouring how i feel, and letting the MIT experience the two different "styles" of faith. (The MIT is Anglican)

Those are the promises i have made to myself. These are the wishes i have made to myself. This is when the bride, Brigid, holds hope and a new life inside her. This is when the wishes and promises are nurtured and grow. This is a time when i can do the same. Have my wishes and promises nurture and grow inside of myself.

i am picking Ash Wednesday, as my quit day. It holds significance to my son's faith, and seems like a good time to start. It will also allow me time to move away from such habits as smoking while on the computer, and changing where i smoke. This will give me a head start on quiting. This is something important to me. i have been holding on to this addiction for far too long.

So here is to the nurturing of promises, wishes, and fresh starts.

Numb

It has been a week since i posted. A week since the funeral. Two weeks since her death. i still think about her every day. my heart skips a beat when i drive past the hospice. i keep thinking i should be in there with her. We should be scooting outside for a smoke, watching TV or talking about the staff. i am a friend. E must have it worse.

On Thursday E's daughter took me to the movies for her birthday. We saw Twilight. It was ok. What was better was the fact that she asked me. E didn't want to see it before she read the book, and i have already read it, and she thought of me. She even invited me to her birthday dinner on the Friday night. i wasn't able to go to that. Between therapy and tooth pain, i just didn't have the stamina.

Therapy was me feeling numb and not wanting to feel anything but that. The session was all factually. No feelings were discussed. Sandy said i needed that to breath. A chance to breath from the pain and loss and feeling. i can't feel numb right now. Every time one of the flowers withers, i cry. i save it and i cry at its loss. i cry as it represents to me, another part of her going away. The MIT has been home all week. It is exam time and He is home. We have been watching Smallville most of the week. He doesn't like to see me cry, so i have been hiding those feelings from Him.

Now for the tooth. i have been having tooth pain for a few weeks. It went away when i was on the antibiotics for strep. It came back. It got so bad, i actually stood at the door of the dentist Monday morning before they opened. i ended up coming home after a root canal. Can you say ouch? The only pain killer i am on is ibuprofen. Like that is a big help. On top of that, i have strep again, so i am on antibiotics for both the tooth thing and the throat.

i am really starting to hate January. Almost as much as i hate May.

It was perfect for her.

That is the only way to describe how the services went. Enough people to fill the little chapel. Friends and family. Those that loved her.

i feel numb now. i am just numb. i am just tired. i feel drained and lost. A part of me feels like i shouldn't be sad anymore. Sort of how i felt once Mike had been buried and the memorial service was over, and the flowers had died. i know now that it doesn't work that way. E was hoping it would, but she knows it doesn't.

For the first time in almost a month, i haven't talked to E today. It feels strange. i will call her tomorrow. i will see if she needs anything. Maybe i will take her out to Starbucks. Maybe i will just say hi, remind her i am here, and let her be. Just like she did for me after Mike.

The day before...

and i am supposed to be trying to just feel and relax. Instead, i am hyper and worried. i am doing laundry. i am doing dishes. i am panicked about the candle. i am wondering when P will email me with what they want printed as an insert. i am doing anything i can do to keep from feeling.

Laundry has been put away, with one load in the dryer, another in the washer and one more to go. Dishes are in soaking, ready to be washed, with two loads waiting to go. All empty cans are in the recycling bin. All garbage has been gathered and in the right places. i am even making myself perogies for lunch/supper. i have my list of what to do tomorrow ready. i have my clothes set out ready. i have ironed my top for tomorrow. i have vacuumed. i even know what i am going to do at 3:30.

At 3:30, i am heading over to White Flame. i am going to wander the store, and pickup some stuff for myself. i am going to get the memorial candle. i am then going to head over to Rygiel, and drop off the MIT's velcro for His heart monitor. i don't want to go out, but i have too.

i have to keep busy for now. At least for a little while. At least for now. Maybe later i will be able to relax. Maybe later i can let out how sad and scared and hurt i am feeling. Right now, i just can't go there. Right now, i am keeping busy.

So today....

i did spend the entire hour with Sandy crying. i cried about needing to make D warm. i cried about missing her. i cried about crying. i cried about the tape that is playing in my head. She wanted to analyze that "tape" but i told her i just wanted to feel. i just wanted to feel sad, helpless, angry, worried, sad. First time i have ever just wanted to feel while i was there. First time i wanted to cry the entire time. First time i initiated just wanting to feel something without my head getting in the way.

We also, at the end of the hour, talked about expectations about Sunday. Expectations for myself and for others.

For myself, i expect to act mature. i expect to cry when i am feeling sad. i expect to be helpful when needed. i expect to blend into the background a little. i expect to say "she was well loved". i expect to help others feel what they need to feel, without putting my feelings in front of theirs.

For others, well, i expect others to swoop in and try to take control. i expect others to put themselves ahead of anyone else. i expect others to need to hear "it is ok". i expect others to say "i am so sorry". i expect others to need to be supportive.

So, since the MIT is now at respite, i am going to go and take my meds, make Baby Bear a tie, and go to bed. i am going to sleep in a little. i will do the last minute stuff P&E need me to do. i will print out stuff, cut stuff, pickup stuff. i will be a phone call away. i will also just sit, and prepare myself to go to the memorial tomorrow, by myself.

Tomorrow and things to come.

Tomorrow is therapy day. Other than here, i haven't really talked about how i am feeling. i don't think i can yet. i am hoping, once i am there, i will be able too. It is a safe place. It is somewhere i can let go of the grief and anger and guilt. Someplace safe to let out as much as i can before Sunday.

Sunday is going to be hard for so many reasons. The biggest is that i am going to be saying more goodbyes to a really good friend.

i am going to miss D. She would talk about things no one else would with me. She would listen to things i wouldn't share with anyone else. Even from the beginning. She could make me laugh. She could make me blush. She could make me feel comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. Sunday is going to be an uncomfortable situation. She would make it all better if she was there.

i will be surrounded by her family, people i don't know, people i have only met once or twice, people who at odds with me. Part of me doesn't want to go. i am going to feel so out of place. There will be enough people around E, P, T and C, be there for them, that i could justify to myself that i won't be needed. Hell, i am good at avoiding uncomfortable situations.

Instead, i am going to go. i am going to go for me. i am going to go and feel D's arm around my shoulder. i am going to go and stay in the background. i am going to go and, if i need to, i am going to cry. i am going to go and feel her hands in mine. i am going to go and remember all we talked about in the last week of her life. i am going to go and say my goodbyes to her and be there for her daughter, her grandchildren, and her son-in-law. i am going to go and be there for myself.

What to do with myself?

Normally i would have been at the hospice the last two mornings. Normally i would be coaxing D to eat breakfast, then lunch. We had started watching DVD's together. We had planned to watch Prince Caspian this week. She was looking forward to Eggs Benedict on Wednesday. Maybe i will make it for myself, in her honour.

Instead of that, i am helping where i can with the arrangements. i am in contact with someone about the memorial candle. i will be picking it up on Friday. i have to pick out an outfit D would like, and would be appropriate to be seen by her family. i don't have the money to get something new, so it is time to search the closet again. What i wear on Sunday will be different on Monday. Monday will be piles of clothes. Sunday will be for and inside affair.

i have made arrangements for the MIT's care while i am at the services. He isn't ready to admit it has happened. 3 deaths in less than a month, for him, is too many. He is having a hard time wrapping His head around it. He will say goodbye in His own way, eventually.

me? i will grieve as it comes. i am finding the grief of loosing Mike has gotten stronger, as the grief of loosing D is hitting me. i am scheduling my grieving time for when the MIT isn't here. Tonight i will be cooking for myself, and lying in bed, reading the book i was going to read to D. Candles will be lit. i will be wrapping myself up in her shawl. i will probably cry. i will allow myself to feel what i need to feel.

What to say?

i don't know what to say. D died early this morning. i am going to really miss her. She was a special person that raised 2 special people.

They let me be there yesterday. They had gotten the call that she was non-responsive. They thought she had seized during the night. She couldn't be woken. They called me. i was the first to arrive. We talked for a little while. They arrived next. We spent a great deal of time with her. We talked about what we were seeing. We talked about things that had happened. We talked about the cardinals at the bird feeder again. We watched the crows arrived and leave again. Different family arrived. They all needed time to be with her. E had me leave about 8 hours later, so i could sleep, for later happening.

They called at 3:30 this morning. She was gone. i went. The candle was lit. i used to find comfort in that candle. Today i found only tears and anger. We all hugged. We all cried. They needed to leave, to be with the kids, to explain (how do you explain) what happened. i could do something for all of them, and myself, that they just couldn't do. i packed up everything. i stayed with her until she was taken away. 9 1/2 hours waiting for her shell to be taken away. About 7 of those hours i spent alone with her.

During those hours, i talked to her. i removed her jewelery. i stroked her hand. i told her how much stuff she had. i complained about having to pack up so much stuff. my Sis came over and helped pack the van. i made Sis leave after that. i needed time alone with her. i told her when i was going out for a smoke. i would kiss her forehead every time i left the room, telling her i would be right back. She got colder with every kiss. At one point, all i wanted to do was warm her up. i tried putting blankets on her. i wanted to put her favourite hat on her. i just wanted her warm again. i cleaned the room, knowing how she wouldn't like it all messy when she was leaving. i thought of putting make-up on her, to make her look pretty. i thought about doing her nails. She loved to have her nails done. i removed the bandages from her elbows. She didn't need anyone seeing those. She hated having them on. i sat beside her and cried. i sat beside her and talked. i sat beside her and told her about the acrobatic squirrel that was back. i kept the shades open so she could feel the warmth of the sun on her body. i stayed until the funeral home came to take her away.

The staff let me be. They let me do what i needed to do. They let me talk to them when i needed to talk, ask questions, be proud of her. Some who knew her really well, and had met me on the days i was there, with her, hugged me. Even told me to hug them. But most of all, they let me be alone with her.

i know it wasn't her there. i know it was just the shell of her. i know it didn't make any real sense to be so worried about what i was saying to her, or how she looked, or about how cold she was. i know she wasn't there to chastise me for not wearing a coat when i went out for a smoke, but i wore one anyways. i know she wasn't there to make sure i ate breakfast, but i did anyways.

They would say i was helping them. They would say that they just couldn't do what i was doing. i say they were helping me. i say they let me grieve in a way i needed to. i say they let me do what i needed to do. i say they helped me more than i helped them.

i just couldn't leave her by herself without someone that loved her next to her. That is really why i couldn't leave. i needed her to not be alone. i needed to not be alone.

There should have been cardinals.

Reflection on the appointment

Today was therapy day. i didn't vent much. i felt relaxed enough to cry there. i cried a lot.

i have decided the word "tired" isn't enough. i am now using the word defeated. That is how i am feeling. Defeated.

One of the main things we talked about was me getting my diabetes under control. i have been thinking about how to do that since the appointment. i don't know how. Yes i have a diabetic clinic that i go to that has a nurse and a dietitian. Yes i have the backing of my doctor, and now my therapist. i don't know how they can help past what they are doing it. i know it has to be me that does it. i know what to do. i have read the books. i have listened to the dietitian. i have listened to the nurse. i have listened to the doctor. i know i should be eating 4 times a day. i know i have medications to take. i know what types of food to eat, and even what portions to have. i know i need to add exercise to my routine. my biggest problem, is i really don't care enough about myself to stick to it.

When the stress and depression get so bad i am thinking of letting go of the cliff, i loose myself in the depression and forget to take my meds, and don't eat or don't eat right. When i am lost in that depression, i don't want to move, or leave the house, and i don't have the money to join a gym. WW helped me in the past, but i don't have the money to do it, or the energy to follow through with the meal plans. Yes i cook when i can, but it is because i know i will not have the energy the next time to actually prepare a meal.

So i feel stuck. i feel defeated. i feel like i am defeating myself

A Different View

That is what i told my therapist i want. A different view than the face of the cliff staring back at me. i either want to climb up and see if there is a tree and grass at the top of the cliff, or let go and look at the sky as i fall. That is how i feel.

Stuck, hanging by my fingernails, dangling over a vast hole. Arms getting tired. Shoulders getting pulled apart. Legs dangling in the air. It is tiring being like this. Mentally, nothing to look at except dirt and roots and rocks. No sunshine. No joy. No changes. Physically my body is just holding on. The pain keeping me awake. Making my head hurt. Making everything hurt.

i am ready to just let go. i am tired of hanging on so hard. i am tired of struggling to climb. i am just plain tired.

She said she understands. She says it won't always be like this. She has been saying that for 3 years. She is worried. my doctor is worried. Hell, i am starting to worry.

Usually....

This time of year, is when i post what i promised myself last year, and what i am going to promise myself this year. That isn't happening right now. Maybe that will happen later, but there is too much keeping me in the now and not in the future. There are things i want to start doing more of, and those are what i am going to be listing.

1. Getting serious about practicing the "holidays" regarding my pagan beliefs. More taking care of my altar. More preparing foods for the special days. More meditating quietly when i have time.
2. Cooking more. i have already started, but i want to keep doing this and getting more recipes under my belt. i am enjoying watching the Food Network, and have been taking ideas from there. i also want to learn how to cook Chinese food, so i don't have to spend so much on ordering in. Also, cooking Tai food would be nice, as i can't order from anywhere without risking an bad allergy.
3. Spending more time with those i love. Yes it is hard when the MIT is having problems, but i am going to work around that.
4. Work with my doctors regarding my medications. This feeling nothing, or feeling like life isn't worth it, sucks.
5. Going camping with the MIT and my Dad more. It is nice quiet time the three of us can spend together. It is actually something i look forward to. Maybe we can incorporate P&E and the kids. That would be nice. Camping is something i have learned to enjoy again.

Well, those are the things i want to work on. i am not going to pressure myself much. Pressure adds to the anxiety, and the need for perfection, and that is something i can't do right now. i know i need to take care of myself more. i am just not motivated. Hopefully that will change as my medications get changed. Caring would be a big improvement.

The MIT has had 2 deaths in the last 2 weeks. A person He knows from church had gone from being ok, to slipping into a coma and dying 2 days later. She died Christmas Eve. Tuesday, my parent's neighbour, Vince, died. my Dad and Vince's son had to break into the house and found him dead. The MIT was very close to him. They liked to sit outside and talk. The MIT lost it when i told Him. He went outside and screamed. He came in angry and looking like He would hurt Himself. He lost His right side immediately. He is still upset about both deaths. Monday He is not going to be going to school. He will be going to a funeral. He has lost a great many people in His short life. That makes me sad

Today the MIT and i are spending a quiet time at home. i am drinking lots of water. Baileys and eggnog are a great combination, but i need to rehydrate. Tomorrow is more MIT and mommy time. Saturday will be sleeping and getting back to feeling more like myself. Sunday will be more of the same as Saturday. Monday will be the MIT going to a funeral, and me being able to spend more time with D at the hospice.

i have missed our quiet times together. She has beaten a number of odds to make it this long. She is a very strong and stubborn woman. She is a great friend, and i will never forget her influence on me.

Yeah, today is not a happy day for me.