Happy Birthday Baby

Ok, so You aren't a baby anymore. Today You are 15. That is right, 15 years ago today, i was haveing so much fun giving birth to You.

You have been a great son. You have made me worry. You have brought me joy. You have been a pain in my butt. You have been helpful. You have scared me more times than i can count.

You are the perfect son for me, and i am grateful to be Your Mom.

i love You Baby

Flood gates

Therapy was yesterday. So was the doctor's. The doctor's appointment went ok. i lost 5lbs, my blood pressure was a little high, my throat is much better. i told her about my being sick while i sleep. She prescribed zantac. It may help.

Therapy was like a flood gate opening. i am still processing it. Basically it comes down to me feeling like i did 6 months ago. Because of that, i am feeling like a failure. i am wanting to shut down how i feel so i can survive the next few months. i want to just pretend that i am ok because feeling what i feel is too overwhelming. Stuffing down my feelings is hard work, but i don't know if dealing with how i am feeling is any better.

i didn't realize how much i have been looking for signs that Mike would be here this weekend. He would never miss the MIT's birthday. So i have been looking at trucks that look like His. i was expecting an email card for the MIT from Him today. i expected Him to wake up beside me. He had promised to always be here, and now He isn't. i am mad at Him about that. Plus i have to live through the next few months, with all the memories, without Him.

First it was my birthday. Then it is the MIT's birthday. Next is my Mom's birthday, Maud Day Thursday, Easter, our collar anniversary, P's birthday, the bowling party, Mike's death day, Mike's birthday, Mike's funeral day, and Mike's memorial day. Too many things all mushed up into 3 months. Too many memories squished into such a short time period. i just want to pretend none of it is happening. Just ignore everything and all the feelings. i made the joke that by the end of May i may have lost a lot of weight by then. Sandy made the comment i may be skinnier than her by then.

i told her how i felt like i have failed by stuffing everything away, and that i feel like the i am back to where i was 6 months ago. She asked if this process can't be back and forth. i guess i ignored that at the time. Instead i just buried everything by the end of the session. i walked out cheerful and like nothing was bothering me. That was great until last night when i went to bed. i ended up crying myself to sleep. At least i didn't wake up vomiting again. This time i just woke up nauseous.

So now to figure out what i am going to do. Bury every emotion i can come up with, or let them out and feel overwhelmed with it. i think right now, although not the best option, is to bury them. And hey, maybe i will end up skinnier than Sandy by the end of June.

So, today is the end of the week for me. i have today to finish up, but then i should be able to say, i had a really good week. Actually, i have had a good week. i tried to go to aquafit 2x, but only made it once. i went last night, since i hadn't gone on Mon or Wed. i have taken my pills all week, when i was supposed to. i have found stuff for breakfast (on the days i wasn't sick) that is light enough to not make me feel like i am actually eating a breakfast, but healthy enough to actually count. i have fit in lunch most days. That is still a difficult thing to do for me. Lunch and breakfast i am just not hungry. Water intake has been nil. i need to really work on that, since other things seem to be coming into order. i know, one habbit at a time. Do one thing for 6 weeks and then add something new. That way the good habbits are developped and stuck to easier.

Today is also a trip to the doctor's and a trip to therapy. At the doctor's, it is just the usual weigh in and then blood pressure, and discussion on if anything else is going on with my body that shouldn't be. We will see what my weight is. i think i have gained. i have got to stop doing that. i am not feeling healthy with all this weight back on. At therapy, i don't know what will happen. i will have to just follow Sandy's lead and see where it all goes.

The MIT has had a couple ok days this week. Wednesday and Thursday He walked in with His wheelchair. No need for me to wheel Him in. That is an improvement. He still lost muscles at school, but recovered quickly enough to not need His chair the entire day. i also got a note from His PT yesterday saying that it looks like He will be getting a laptop for school work. i will have to call and find out more about that. It would really help Him with His school work. Not having to write everything is going to be a big bonus.

Now about my reflexology. i have plenty of people to work on. i just have to find times where i can actually do my thing. Weekends seem good for most people. i just wish my fingers were strong enough to do more than 1-2 people in a couple of hours. i also have to plan when i am going to do them and where i am going to do them. It isn't very fair of me to make people come to my place, but i am set up here in a way that i won't hurt my back. Other places, i have to make it up as i go along. This is important to me though, so i need to get my ass in gear. i have to contact people and set up appointments and follow threw with them. i think that will be a goal of mine this coming week.

So, goals for this coming week
Shower at least 4 times
Get dressed at least 4 times
Go out at least 4 times (includes just spending 1 hour outside in back yard or such)
Eat when scheduled to do so
Take all meds when scheduled to do so
Go to aquafit at least 2 times
Setup 4 reflexology sessions for the next week
Moisturize 2 times each day

Good goals. Ones i can work on, and take control of. i also need to stop worrying if i seem to sad on this thing. If that is what i am feeling, and it gets a little depressed around here, oh well. If that is how i am feeling, then that is what will go on in here.

Well, i guess that is all for right now. Off to get the MIT ready for school and out the door.

Purging....Physically vs Emotionally

The last post should have been titled "Pity Party". That was alot of what i was saying. At the time, it felt all justified. Looking back, a pity party was what it was all about.

i have been getting physically ill while i sleep for about a week. i had thought it was what ever bug has been going around. Upset stomach, vomiting, sleeping at the drop of a hat, not feeling up to par. i had to be sick. It had to be what ever everyone i know has been going through. That was all i was concentrating on. It still very well might be.

Then E mentioned something. She mentioned how sometimes, when she isn't feeling well on the inside, it can manifest itself on the outside. That the bundle of emotions build up and physically her body reacts.

A light bulb went off. Something i hadn't thought of. i have had that happen before. Actually, my body was really good at doing that. If i got over stressed about something, my body would purge itself both physically and mentally. (eg. the MIT having to be taken to hospital by ambulance and me later getting sick in the waiting room washrooms because of the stress of the situation) Plus, sometimes it is easier for me to concentrate on physically feeling off, while not having to concentrate on how yucky i feel inside my own head.

As i thought about what E had said, i realized i haven't been really feeling anything emotionally. Sure i have been thinking about the MIT and how He is doing and how stressful that is. Sure i have even written about it. But i haven't really been feeling it. i have been quite logical in my way of looking at things. Sure i have been thinking of Mike, and talking about missing Him. Then i realized how quickly when someone asks me if anything is new with me, i start off with saying "Well, Mike died", or in the middle of a conversation, i will bring up Mike . Heck, i did that alot at Steeletto. But i wasn't emotional about it. i was very cold almost. (that is how i feel looking back, maybe i didn't "present" that way, but that is how i am seeing it now)

So, how am i feeling? Or, even better, what am i feeling? i really don't know right now. i can't seem to find it. i can't seem to fight threw the physical feelings to the emotional ones. i know i have felt pangs of guilt because this physical stuff has been interrupting my commitments. i know i have been feeling out of control over certain issues, and that is emphasized by the physical stuff. i also know that feeling "ok" over Mike being dead is part of what is going on. How can i be so ok with it? How come it isn't affecting me? It isn't that i am glad He is dead, just that i am acting like it is ok that He is dead.

Seems i have a bunch of stuff to hit on in therapy tomorrow. i don't know if it will come up. Sandy might have other avenues to explore. i am so not "feeling" it, that i doubt i will bring it up. Because really, other than the physical manifestations, nothing really seems to be wrong.

Mish Mash

i find myself having a hard time coming back and writing again. i know it has only been a few days, but it is still hard. i don't know if it is because the last topic is still rolling through my brain. i don't know if it is because i really don't have anything to say. i don't know why, but even now, i feel weird typing.

This week i am really proud of myself. i have acomplished many of my goals already. i am doing my daily meds. i am eating better. i tried to do aquafit on Monday (don't ask). i have left the house 4 times in the last 4 days. i have gotten dressed 4 times in the last 4 days, and never the same outfit. i have even cleaned up my back yard a bit, and talked to some of my neighbours.

Now there is something i don't like. my backyard only gets morning sun. No evening or late afternoon sun. That means, if i want to sit out in the sun, i have to sit out front, where everyone can see me. Where all the kids are making noises and running around. No privacy there. my backyard is not quite set-up for lounging around yet. It isn't pretty yet. No flowers or decorations. i want lighting back there so i can sit out during the evenings again. i have sweeping to still do. i also have some things to remove and take into the basement. i also have a barbeque to pickup. Maybe after all that is done, i will feel more comfortable sitting out back. i also wish i could figure out a way to sit out front without so many eyes on me. i have a feeling that setting up a small fort on my stoop wouldn't be approved.

The MIT is still having a difficult time. His body is just not cooperating. He has one side or the other gone every day. He has yet to have a "good" day, physically, for over 3 weeks. At least His therapy is going well. He really has matured over the last few years. No more hitting. Letting me know when He makes a mistake. Letting me know when He breaks a rule. It is nice to see. Too bad His body isn't maturing the way His social skills are.

my house feels like a tornado has been through it. i can't seem to get it into control. Everytime i try to get a handle on it, something (or someone) comes in and messes it all up. Maybe i will use my income tax refund for a cleaning crew for one day LOL. NOT. That will be going to a new swimsuit and bills. Oh and maybe a nice coat to wear out to events or something.

My reflexology isn't going all that well. i don't have enough people to do my practicum on. i need to get working on that. Big time. Have to. i will not let go of this. This is important to me, and i am going to follow through. i just have to figure out a way.

A friend of mine, with MS talks about spoons. Maybe one day i will post that story. Maybe that will help to explain how i have been feeling.

Hard time settling

i am having a difficult time getting myself to settle tonight. i should be in bed by now. my head just keeps coming back to the same thing. The MIT.

A very special someone at the event last night, mentioned how much difficulty the MIT has been having over the last few weeks. He is right. The problem is, i can't say to him that it is going to get better.

His episodes of not being able to move either His left or right side is increasing. His going full-blown is increasing. His not breathing at night is increasing. His "funny" episodes are increasing. He isn't getting many breaks between the time a part of Him starts to move again, before something else stops. i watch Him get frustrated when He can't walk down the hall, or undress Himself without help. i watch as He monitors His food intake because He can't use a fork when His right side is gone. i watch as He tries to help around the house, but then falls and gets discouraged. i listen to His dreams of being able to live on His own. i listen to His dreams of having kids and how He wants to bring them up (not like you Mom, you are too mean lol). i listen and watch as He tries to do so much on His own, and try to let Him do it. i watch as His body works against Him and He struggles with the fact that it just won't. And i can't even say to Him that it will get better.

i am seeing this disorder, that no one can even figure out what type of disorder it really is, eat away at my son and make it harder for Him to live His life. i watch as milestones are being left behind. i watch as His balance decreases. i watch as the episodes take over more and more of His life. i watch, and want to scream. i know from others who have lost their children due to this disorder, the progression of what will come next. i know that this is just the start. i know that the "strange" episodes will come more often. i know that there will be more types of episodes. i know that each has died in their sleep. i know that each parent did not have a warning of what was about to happen.

So i just sit, watch, support, wait and hope. i encourage what i can from Him. i give Him what i can of the world and of being independent. i give Him opportunities to grow. All the while, i wait. i feel that niggling feeling deep in the pit of my stomach, that there will never be stuff He can accomplish because His body will give up. i feel hope that what i am seeing is not Him going as far as He will ever be able to. i feel hope that He will beat the odds and be one that does not go to sleep one night, and never wake up.

Tonight, i don't feel very hopeful. i just feel scared.

Pride in myself

i did it. i went to the event last night. i didn't show up right at the beginning, but i did go. i made myself have my shower. i made myself get dressed. After that, i enjoyed putting on some makeup. i enjoyed figuring out what coat to wear that would cover parts of me. i even took pictures of myself in the mirror before i left. (note to self. Those types of pictures never come out properly).

When i arrived, it was different. A new venue is always interesting. This one was cozy. Small, and full of people. It reminded me of the venue we used to use way back when. The bar tenders were fun. The one girl was really turned on near the end of the night. The people were mainly those that i like. Those that don't do the bunny fur, or soft floggers. Most were using canes, needles, single tails. There were screamers. There was no concern about noise. The music was great (smiles and waves). A song was even played just for me. i really did enjoy myself. i am glad i went.

The only problem i really had was i actually got horny. Not the have to orgasm kind of horny, but the make me bleed and hurt and orgasm kind of horny. P told me to go home and take care of it. i actually told Him it wouldn't help. i don't think i have ever really said no to Him before. It was true though. i was just wanting the type of "sex" that included extreme pain to take me to that place. i haven't felt that kind of horny in a very long time. i enjoyed feeling that way, and making myself suffer over it.

Again, i am glad i went. i am glad i ignored my "blah" feelings and took control of myself and went. In the past, i would have gone grudgingly, and blamed the person "making" me go. This time, i was happy with myself for pushing past the urge to just stay home and went to an event, and enjoyed myself.

i feel really proud.

I've got that "blah" feeeeling

i am still feeling blah. So blah, that i want to just stay home tonight. i don't want to go out. i am doubting what i am going to wear. i am doubting how strong i am, and if i can handle things if people i don't like will be there. i just want to curl up and go to sleep for the entire night. But i am not going to do that. Sure i will keep the doubt with me for a bit, and maybe my mood might not be that great at the beginning of the night, but i know that going out will help counter how i am feeling right now.

i will take what i need to make me feel comfortable. i will tuck something into a bag or purse that i can fiddle with to make me feel centered. It could be a necklace, or a set of earings. It doesn't really matter. i know that carrying something will help me feel more in control. Plus, the outfit i am wearing has many, many pockets, so i can always tuck something small in one of those.

i also know that friends will be there. People i love, and that love me and care about me, and won't let me wallow for no reason. i also know that i can always find a quiet space to just stand back and watch what is going on. If i need to find a job to do, i know the organizers enough that they will find me something. i know i will be safe there. Sure, i could call on my friends to make sure i actually go, but i want to do this on my own. i want to be able to take control of myself and head there myself, and make sure i follow through on something i arranged. i need to do this myself.

So, now i need to get into the shower. Wash away this blah feeling as much as i can. Find that sexy me someplace inside my head. Take my time getting dressed, and holding myself to my prior choice. Put on makeup and feel even sexier. Take my regular meds (including the antibiotic). Put on a long coat and head out to the event. i have plenty of time. The event doesn't start until 8:00. i can take my time with this. Just not to much time. Too much time and i can talk myself out of anything.

Ok, time to settle, relax for a bit, and then head into the shower.

Ok, just found out someone i don't like will definitly be there tonight. Deep breaths. Not going to give this person the power over me in going. Am going to go and enjoy myself and keep all my power to myself. i am going because i want to, and because i know i will have fun. Even if it is just to look at people's outfits.

Blah

Today is Saturday. Today it is raining. Today the sun is not shining. Today seems very blah. Today i feel very blah.

i have not set up any goals for the week. i guess now would be a good time to do so.

1. Shower 4 times this week
2. Get dressed 4 times this week
3. Go out 4 times this week
4. Moisturize 2 times each day
5. Drink 64oz of water each day
6. Clean the main living space 3 times this week
7. Go to Aquafit 3 times this week (even if i have to go on my own)
8. Eat 3 meals each day
9. Take my meds when scheduled

All achievable goals. i just need to really get down and do it. i need to be able to do this. i want to do this. i want to be able to say i have reached the goals i have set for myself. i haven't been very good at that lately. Even the sticker chart hasn't been working. i have got to find the motivation inside myself. It is very hard for me to find right now. i just have to find it.

The MIT is doing ok. He had a rough week. Migraine Wed-Thurs. At least one side gone for 4 days out of this school week. Other than that, He is a very nice kid to be around right now. That makes my life easier. i just wish i was a nice person to be around right now. i don't think i have been, and it makes things more difficult for Him. i have got to find a balance for us both.

Finally go rid of the useless lift from my bathroom. i donated it to a nice man that has MS and is getting prepared for the future. i figured, it was donated to me, and so i would pass that on. The man was very impressed when i asked nothing for it. For some reason though, it is feeling like a loss. Mike got it for the MIT way back when. It was given to Him from someone He worked with and they no longer needed it after the spouse's death. He was very thoughtful in getting it for the MIT, and was thinking of the future. i feel like i have given a part of Him (the caring part that i still love) away.

i hate feeling blah. That is definitely how i feel right now. Blah. i must figure out a way to change that feeling.

Day with no Therapy

So my plan for today is trashed. my own fault. i am not mad at myself. It is just more of who i am.

See, my Sis lent her car out to someone. A friend she trusts. He took her baby and damaged it. He is fine. The car, not so much. The back driver's side tire is all bent in, with wrecked metal on the in side. She needs a vehicle to go to her 2 jobs and to keep her sane. She is a big support to me right now. i need her to be sane. i have lent her my vehicle. So, for me, i have no means of transportation other than my feet, or a bus. This means no aquafit. i have already told E.

i am worried i am no go to E as far as getting her to aquafit (i have proven that) and that she will get upset with me at one point. i will talk with her about that this weekend. i am feeling like a really bad friend. Like i have to justify my actions. But it isn't to her i really feel like i have to justify too. It is too myself. i know E will not be mad at me, and if she has an issue with me missing so much aquafit, she will talk to me about it. i know it is me justifying why i haven't gone, and justifying my actions to myself. Why do i feel like i have to explain myself so much? It really isn't about anyone other than me when i do it. hmmm.

Ok, it seems when i don't have to go to therapy, i get very introspective.

i still haven't felt any guilt over the weekend. i am very proud of myself, and that voice in my head. i am so proud of myself on that front that i am planning on going to an event on Saturday. It is an old event, but at a new location. i am actually excited about it. i even know what i am going to wear. It is going to be the "army brat" outfit i have. i like it. i feel playful and sexy in it. i can add pants for entry and going to the bathroom. i am excited about Saturday night. i doubt i will play, but that is fine with me.

Basically my day is going to be doing housework. Laundry, dishes, floors, even some dusting. i might even get adventurous and wash windows. Well, it is that time of year. Cleaning out the old, and making room for the new. Getting rid of the dirt and hibernating feeling of the winter, and letting in the beginning of the new season. i am not one to get rid of stuff during this time of year, and i don't plan on changing that. i do plan on dusting though. Here's hoping i have enough benadryl.

Well, i guess that is all for now. Seems like i have gone through some interesting thoughts this morning, and it isn't even 7:00 am. On to the rest of my day.

Bugs and brains

So yesterday (3:00 am) i got hit by whatever bug it is that had E getting sick on Saturday. It hit hard. God my stomach was flopping and contracting and expelling anything that was in it. i have survived the worse. i am back to drinking liquids, but even that is difficult to keep down sometimes.

Add to that the MIT coming home from school with a migraine. Quickly into bed. Covers over head. No sound allowed without Him complaining. It hasn't broken yet. He is still hurting this morning. At least He hasn't been sick yet. i am keeping Him home from school just incase. Heck, He is still asleep. He has been asleep since about 4:00 last evening. This could change in 1/2 hour, or for 12 more hours. No one knows. i just get to sit in the dark, try to type quietly, and wait it out.

i am still feeling the effects from Saturday. It is nice to just have to move a little and be reminded of how nice the weekend was. i wonder how long it will last. Tomorrow i don't have therapy. Instead i am going to aquafit (i hope). i figure if i can hold down liquids, i will go tomorrow. Later i will do my goals for this coming week. i haven't been very good at them lately. i have been quite lax. i figure with a new season, comes new life. i am going to find that life inside me and get back on track.

Goals, and how to deal

i didn't set any goals for this week. i don't have a sticker chart for me this week. i am not missing it, and really, i have achieved more during the weekend than i usually do. i don't want to stop making goals for myself. i need goals to keep me going sometimes. With that in mind, i need to make some goals for today.

Tuesday
get the "extra" garbage can from out back
clean up my patio
shower and dress (no scrubs)
get gas tank full of gas
get groceries
go to the munch tonight
clean my kitchen
take all my meds

With tonight being the munch, i have been thinking of ways to cope if certain people show up. At the last social, i had a difficult time, and i was (and still am) mad at myself for giving certain people more power than they are worth. So i have come up with some ideas. i can just ignore them. That tends to work really well. i need to let go of what they may or may not be saying about me. i mean really. Who is to say i am that important in their lives? And if i am that important, then they are giving ME power. So yeah, ignoring them, and enjoying the people i am with and surrounded by, is what i am going to do. Giving those people the power to change how good of a time i am having is not good for me. i refuse to give them that much power over me.

Continuing with the munch theme, i need/want to figure out a way to get back into that "social butterfly" mode. The mode or persona where i am comfortable going around and introducing new people, visit with others that are there, basically flutter around with a smile on my face. i think i will have a bit of an easier time this month, since i am still feeling the effects of my spanks from Saturday. That always tends to help me. i feel more myself and more like i can accomplish anything.

Today feels like a good day. Once the MIT heads off to school, i am heading back to bed for a nap, then a shower, get dressed, get gas, get groceries, come home, get the garbage can, clean up the back yard, clean up the kitchen, pick my clothes for tonight, shower again (will be stinky from the patio cleaning), get dressed, go get E, then head out to Toronto. That sounds like a plan.

Provoking Thoughts

i am going through a thought process right now. It hit me yesterday on my way to my parents. It isn't a bad thought, it is more coming to a realization thing. i am trying to figure out, why, if i have asked for something (take birthday spankings), when it is going to happen, i get this coy, make-me but compliant feeling.

i remember doing it again Saturday night. Here i was, surrounded by friends, being teased about getting my birthday spanks, and i can remember blushing and staring at the floor. It was like, yes i asked for it, but i wanted someone else to "make me" do it. It was like i couldn't just accept that yes i was going to get what i asked for. So, because i just couldn't accept it, i needed to be in the frame of mind that it wasn't up to me anymore.

Why do i do it? Why do i need the pretext that it wasn't my idea in the first place? Why can't i accept that sometimes things do work out, and i can ask for stuff, and sometimes i will get what i want?

Is it that i have grown so accustomed to being told something would happen, with no follow up? that was a problem between Mike and i. He would tell me what He had planned, and i would get my hopes up. i would fantasize about it. i would anticipate how it would feel. Then, when the time came, we would end up watching TV, or going out to do "nothing". Is it old baggage from when Dad would be away and we would be told he would be home on a certain day, and that day would come and go with him still working someplace far away? Does it really matter why?

i don't want to act that way anymore. i want to be able to accept that i am worthy of getting what i sometimes ask for. Above that, i want to be able to feel worthy when time is spent on me being happy. (That one may take a while, but i will be working on it.)

What i am also finding interesting, and something i didn't expect, is that i don't feel any guilt. Yes i had my usual talk with Mike, and asked if He had seen it all, and how He liked the marks. Yes i talked about how nice it was. At no time during the talk, did i feel like i had gone against Him. At no time did i feel like i was being disloyal. i was happy about how i enjoyed myself, and told Him how proud i was (and am) in myself in not asking questions and going with the flow. i did tell Him i missed His being there during karaoke. Now that would have been a laugh.

i don't know if any of this makes sense. It does in my head. It is something (the accepting that i can ask and can receive sometimes) that i need to figure out how to change my thinking about. i need to find it in myself to be able to accept that i am worthy of the kind of attention that i got on Saturday, everyday of my life.

My Birthday

i am feeling centered, like my old self.
i am feeling content.
i am feeling pain, but the good kind.
i am feeling like a spoiled child, in a good way.
i am feeling loved.
i am feeling like i am home in my own skin again.

Yesterday was such a good day. Those that i love, and that love me treated me very special. i was pampered. i was tormented. i was made to sing. i still have the Piano Man in my head. The little girl in me was spoiled with a visit to Build-A-Bear. i was spoiled with a Barbie, a My Little Pony, jelly beans, and an Eeyore pez dispenser. i got beaten and bruised.

i had the best ever birthday.

And yes, i am begrudging not being older. Although getting 222 "spanks" with canes, and a rubber paddle wasn't so bad.

37 years old

Yes, today is my birthday. Today i am 37. At least i am not 40. i know that in 3 years i will be, but for right now, i'm not.

i spent a nice quiet night last night. i watched 2 movies, and had Chinese food. It was great. The snow was blowing. i was quiet and comfy in my robe and just plain vegged out and watched movies. E was right, Timeline was great.

Today is the day i was to make no plans. So that is what i am doing. i am fiddling around the house, tidying here and there, but not really doing much. i know i am getting company from good friends, i just don't know when or what to expect. It is a nice mind set. One i haven't had in a while. Knowing that other people are planning stuff, and i am totally in the dark. Who says i can't handle surprises. i guess i am learning too. i think it is that whole go-with-the-flow thing. i am enjoying it.

So, for the girl that has no plans, i am going to head back to my relaxing bed, and nap for a while, because i can. When i wake up? i have no idea what i will do. Probably have a shower. Not sure if i am going to get out of my comfy robe or not yet. Maybe watch another movie. Just go with the flow of the day.

Happy Birthday to me!!!!

Bunches of stuff

3 years ago today, i started my first online journal/blog. Here is what i posted:

My First Time Well it is 11:02 PM and for some reason i have decided to start leaving those that know me and those that are interested, a keyhole to my life. I don't know how exciting this will be or how many will find it, but hope that if nothing else will give me a louder voice about what it is like to be both a submissive in a lasting relationship and the mom of a special needs child. So to all that might read it, i hope you find something here....

i can't believe it has been that long. It feels like forever now. i am sure i have changed a lot since then, either through desire or circumstances. i know i am different now. i don't know if it is in a good way or not.

Last night was weird. i talked E into going to the social in our old dungeon. P ended up coming as well. There were people there that i hadn't seen in ages (and i have to say, didn't miss). It was a big crowd. There were even more people at the upstair's bar. i left a little early. A couple showed that i wanted nothing to do with. They arrived and i went into panic mode. E was great with timing when we would go up for a smoke. When we came back down, one half of the couple was sitting in one of our seats. That was about the end for me. i had to get out of there. i just couldn't do it anymore. i came home and went to bed as soon as my Sis left. i handled it the way i needed to. i avoided them. i ended up avoiding saying goodbye to everyone else. i am mad at myself about that today. i gave them the power to get me out of there. i just handed it over. i didn't get to say goodbye to people i like, because of 2 people. i need to remember this, and figure out how to take that power back.

Today is going to be a bit of an easy day. i have to go to the doctor's this morning, and then therapy this afternoon. i haven't asked my Mom for help with this. i have been dealing with it on my own. Yeah me! After therapy, my Mom is taking the MIT to karate. After that, i have no MIT until Sunday night. Yeah me!!

Tonight is the beginning of my birthday weekend. i have no plans for tonight, and i haven't made plans for tomorrow (as told). Tonight is going to be along the lines of tidying up the house to where i can handle it. With the MIT being home from school all week, things have been let go a little. At least the kitchen isn't too bad. i have kept up on the dishes. The living room and the bed rooms are the worst. They will need a bit of attention. i am not going to be pushing myself to much. i am still in that mindset that if it gets done, then great, but if not, oh well.

Tomorrow, well i have one hint. People are coming over (hence the slight need to clean). Beyond that, i have no idea what to expect. E has already been really nice and removed all the hair from all my areas that needed the attention. Damn she is good. Now i don't have to feel embarrassed when going to the pool or anything, anymore.

Sunday will be the family celebration. i know i am having sweet and sour meatballs with rice. It is the dinner i always ask for. That will be nice to look forward to. i will also get to watch the race, without commercials.

Well, i guess that is all of an update i feel like doing. i have to get the MIT dressed and ready to leave. It is almost time to go off to the doctor's. i wonder what i weigh this week.....

A Special Occasion

Happy Birthday YOU

Happy Birthday to YOU

Happy Biiiirrrthday toooo L

Happy Birthday to YOU !!!!!

Feeling better

i don't feel so lost now. This morning was bad. i wanted to just hide. i wanted to wallow in how i was feeling. Instead i took the MIT to His appointment. i am glad i did. i am not so lost in how i feel anymore. i am not wallowing. i am more in the moment than this morning. i am feeling better. This is good. Knowing that i can combat how i am feeling by leaving the house, or by talking to someone, makes me feel good.

Questions

Last night, i couldn't seem to settle. i had thoughts rushing in my head. i had to talk to Mike and did. For hours.

i guess i thought i could forget this week, and just enjoy. Instead, i have thoughts of what would things really have been like this year. Last year, Mike and i were having problems. We seemed to be working them out. Then He died. Now i am left wondering what would be now.

Where would we be today? What would we be doing this weekend? Would we still be together? Would we just be friends? Would i still be wearing His collar? Would we have broken up for good? Am i better off since He died? Is my life less stressful since He died? Is there less drama? Am i more assured? Am i taking control of things i left to Him? Am i taking more responsibility? Is life better now?

These, and other questions kept me from sleeping properly. i don't know the answers. The questions keep running in my head. i want happy thoughts. i don't want these types of questions. i want to be a happy person again. i want to feel strong again. Today i am not feeling strong. Today i am feeling small. Today i want to hide.

It isn't even 8:30 in the morning and the MIT is already bored. He has got to learn how to sleep in. Part of it is the time change, but mainly, He just doesn't know how to sleep in.

Today is Aquafit day. Yes i feel like crap, but i am determined to go. Well, as long as E is going. She got sick on the weekend. i hope she is feeling better. Today is also running around, and getting things renewed because my birthday is coming. So it is driver's liscence and plates day. Add to that grocery shopping, and getting gas. Today is going to be an expensive day.

Ok, quick post. MIT is standing here bugging me. i better go.

Blue!

Yesterday went really well. It was a really great day.

Took the MIT out for brunch before His belt testing. We went to the Golden Griddle (yes there is one in Hamilton again). He had a huge stack of pancakes, and i had the buffet. After that, we still had time to kill, so i bought myself a new belt. i haven't owned a belt in a very long time, and it is to hold up the pair of jeans i got before going to New York. The MIT got changed at the "girly" store before we headed down to the karate school. We were an hour early. i had a nap in the van while the MIT played with my iPod. It worked out really well.

During the belt testing, i noticed a few things i would like to see Him concentrate on in Physio therapy. He doesn't know how to shift His weight from one foot to the other. He is unable to twist at the hips. These are things i would like to see Him work on. Not His foot positioning while walking.

The testing went well. i got to see where He needs improvement. i got to see how much He can really do. He is great at bringing someone down to the ground. i didn't know He could do that. He is able to do kicks. That requires balancing on one foot. i didn't know He could do that. He was able to keep both sides going during the entire testing. No loss of muscle tone until the testing was done. Even the instructor said that it was a first for the MIT. i am so proud of Him. He passed His belt test, and has moved from green stripe, to blue belt. The look on His face when He saw His certificate, and the new belt was precious. i wish i had taken my camera.

i am so proud of my MIT. He has come a long way. He puts His all in karate. He worked hard, did what He was supposed to, and reaped the reward for it. i am a very happy and proud mommy right now.

New York pictures

New York

Belt test Saturday

So yesterday was therapy day. i guess it went well. i know i didn't cry or get really upset. i did surprise her though. As soon as she walked out to get me, i could see something was wrong, and asked about it. Turned out she had a migraine and was going to say nothing was wrong, but decided that telling me i was very perceptive was more important. i talked about a lot of things. i talked about getting angry at Mike. i talked about the nurse and how she irritates me. i talked about the slight satisfaction i am getting out of bothering my mother by taking back the MIT. i talked about my friends. We talked about how i can, in her office, really get the fact that people react differently than i would in the same situation. We talked about applying that when i am not in the room with her. We talked about accepting people for who they are, and embracing their different opinions and advice with the knowledge that those who are closest to me are doing it out of love and concern. Overall it was a great session, that left me with things to think about.

i have my sticker page all printed off. Today is the first day of this week. i know that today i will be adding at least 3 stickers (going out, getting dressed, showering) and am striving for the rest (drinking water, moisturizing, cleaning).

Today i also take the MIT to His belt test. He is hoping to move from the green stripe belt, to the blue belt level. i am really proud of Him. He may be slower at reaching these achievements, but He is sticking with it, enjoying it, and moving at His own pace. i am really proud of Him. i never thought He would get to this level. i catch myself thinking of what might happen if He makes it to being a black belt. i wonder if He could teach other kids/adults with special needs. That would be cool. Then, i look at what is needed to be a black belt, and can't see Him ever getting there. Either way, i have learned that for the MIT, it is the process, not the final project that is important. The process of going to karate, and doing His best, and experiencing this "normal" activity is the most important thing.

i am worried about my friends and family. i am worried about E's cat and how the surgery went. i am worried about P and how stressed out He can get. i am worried about L and D and if they are needing any help. i know they are going through a difficult time and wonder how i can help or fix it. i am worried about my Aunt that was recently (Thursday) was diagnosed with a heart problem (one of her valves isn't working properly). i am worried about Dad, since he is out of town. i am worried about my Sis, and the choices she is currently making.

Overall, i am doing really good today. Sure i am tired and my throat really hurts (no real signs of strep), but i am doing good. i am up and ready to get the day going (although i may pull the MIT in to bed for a nap). i am ok with how i am handling today, with taking the MIT to His belt test, and taking Him out for breakfast first. i am having a good day today. Not a "in the moment" thing. More like a "this is how it is going to be" thing.

The first day of March Break

i can't believe the MIT has today off of school. Some where, some one, thought that kids needed more than a week off for March Break. i know they didn't consult with parents. Every parent i have talked to about this thinks it is silly.

Speaking of the MIT, i have decided to take more control of when my Mom helps out. Take today. Today, because He is off school, normally i would be taking Him to my Mom's while i go to therapy. Instead i got His special needs worker to come over and watch Him. Tomorrow i am taking Him to His belt test. Monday i am having the special needs worker look after Him while i go to Aquafit. Tuesday i will be taking the MIT to His therapy. This coming Friday, the special needs worker will be watching Him while i go to therapy again. All days that Mom would "normally" volunteer for. i just don't have the energy to deal with the way she volunteers, so i am doing something about it.

Goals. Since tomorrow is the beginning of my week for goals, i figured i would get right back, and start up again. Ok, truth be told, i am missing putting stickers on my to do list. Either way, here is my goals for the coming week.

Shower 4 times this week
Get dressed 4 times this week (only one is allowed for scrubs)
Drink water each day (64 fluid oz)
Go out 4 times this week
Moisturize 2 times each day
Clean my house each day (a different room each day, plus vacuuming...includes dusting)

Good goals. All manageable. All pretty easy for me to achieve. i am still trying to get into the swing of it all. Still trying to take control of these things without falling back on someone else to look over my shoulder, to make sure i am doing them. i am still getting used to making sure i do what i said i was going to do, even if it is only to myself. Ok, that last part of the sentence is wrong. It should read "especially if it is for myself".

Oh yeah. i am still mad at Mike, and myself, but not as much as earlier in the week. i am sure today's appointment with my therapist will be interesting. It may come up, it may not. i tend to follow her lead sometimes, and if this isn't something she is going to push for, it may not come up. Then again, it may come out as i walk into the room, without any prompting. We shall see.

i am in enough pain today, that a beating would feel like a massage. It is all because of what the MIT calls "evil deadly yucky ice". i slipped while wheeling the MIT into the house, and landed flat on my ass again, while trying to still hold on to the wheelchair. Standing up was just wrong. After i finally got the MIT into the house, i immediately took my pain killers for the pulled hamstring, and a couple muscle relaxants. The MIT ended up covering me with a blanket, and getting me pillows. He took care of the computer while i headed into shock and fell asleep. my Sis came over and checked me all over. i didn't ache so much until after the pain killers let go of me. Since then, i find my wrist has been aching from a slightly sprained, along with the middle finger on the right hand. my left knee is popping again. my hamstring pull has been aggravated. i feel like a walking wounded.

Now that the complaining has finished, time for some smiles

E, D, and i went to aquafit and the free swim after it. It was fun. We have all signed up for a monthly pass. That means actually going at least 2 times a week, and no getting out of it.

Sis brought over more pictures from the trip to be added to the ones i already have on the computer. Once i have them all, i will be asking friends and family if they want a CD with all the pictures on it. i think i will also print them all out and do up a scrap book of our trip. i still have one of the key cards to our hotel room. i have ticket stubs. i think a scrap book will be nice. i will also be sending off a copy of the CD and a "report" about our trip to the Make-a-Wish foundation.

The MIT has started to do more and more math at school. He is doing really good at what they have set up for Him to learn. He is even starting to work on money. Maybe i will be able to let Him handle money again. We shall see. An allowance may soon be in order.

Well, it is time to get my butt in gear. Well, as quickly as it can really move. i have to take the garbage out and make the MIT His lunch to take to school, and basically get moving. Later all

Jumbled

i actually slept last night. i hadn't the night before. i basically slept from 1:00 pm until this morning. i had a few minutes up around 2:30, and then an hour awake around 4:30, and then hours up around 7:00. i was back in bed by 11:00 last night. i needed the sleep. i could still do with more sleep. my throat is killing me, along with the hamstring i pulled on Thursday. i feel like i can't get a handle on feeling good right now.

March Break is coming. It actually starts on Friday. i am actually looking forward to spending quiet time with the MIT. i like that we get along better when He doesn't have the pressure of school every day.

Saturday is going to be a me and MIT day. i am taking Him to His belt testing on Saturday. It will be nice to watch how He has progressed since the last time i watched Him. i have missed seeing that. Maybe i will get myself more involved with that again soon.

i am still struggling with my anger towards Mike. E and i had a good talk yesterday. i don't feel so stupid now. She is good to talk to about stuff like that. She was there for all the time of the relationship. She knew me before Mike was even in the picture.

i know i am craving pain still. No sign of craving sex, in any way shape or form. i haven't even played with myself in months. Sex is one of those intimate things i can't wrap my head around.

Finances suck right now. Especially with the MIT's birthday coming up. i have no idea what to get Him. At least i have until the end of the month to actually come up with something.

Ok, a jumble of thoughts today. Hmm. i am guessing it is time to get back to setting weekly goals and getting my sticker pages back on track. Haven't done those since the New York trip.

OK, goal for tomorrow is to prepare goals for the coming week (Saturday to Friday is my week).

Stewing and Birthday wishes

i am still very angry at Mike. i had held on so long, even during our relationship, that He never treated me as an extra. Coming to that realization is making me feel very angry. Well, angry and guilty and stupid. Angry because i was an extra to Him. Angry because i deserve to be treated more than an extra. Angry because i still feel like an extra. Guilty because He is dead and can't defend His actions, and make me feel better about this. Guilty because i am angry at a dead man. Stupid because i never saw it before. No that isn't true. i remember saying it to Him before. Stupid because i needed to believe Him when He told me i was wrong. Stupid because i wasn't wrong. Stupid because i am angry at a dead man.

So, i am putting that aside for a moment right now. i need something else to think about. i have been thinking about what i want for my birthday. So, here is my list

1. a flip phone, instead of the box thingy i have right now for my cell.
2. a book by Laurell K. Hamilton called Danse Macabre.
3. a good spanking, caning, whipping, cutting, pain filled time.
4. the reclining chair i want so badly for my reflexology quest.
5. to be fisted
6. a one day cleaning lady (or team) to come in and clean this house from top to bottom, so i have a starting point to continue (this would include dusting and vacuuming and washing floors, and cleaning windows).
7. all the previous seasons of 24.
8. to be given oral sex, for longer than 3 minutes (not one of Mike's favourite activities as a Top)
9. my friends all over for a good time on a Saturday night (hopefully being able to deal with number 3).
10. the excess hair on my body removed, a facial, a real pedicure and manicure, a back treatment (basically a day of being pampered)

Those are the things i want for my birthday. That is how i want to be treated for my birthday. This would be a dream birthday for me. God the idea of actually having marks on my body while i attend the "party" at my parent's place the next day is filling me. i haven't had a good "workout" since last year, and that was because i requested it. The first "workout" i got for a birthday present that i didn't ask for was during the first DSSG Beginner's workshop, that actually was held on my birthday in 2001. Also the one a few years before that, when 2 special people gave me a private party. Other than those, including the 6 birthdays i had with Mike in my life, i don't really remember any special energy put into what would happen on my birthday.

Why did i accept so much less from Mike than what i gave Him. i would plan to take Him to Bingo (a favourite of His) even though i didn't like it. i would make Him a special meal. i would put thought into His gifts. Then again, i am so mad at Him, that i can't seem to remember that kind of stuff right now. i seem to be only able to think of the bad stuff at the moment.

Just for me

i have found myself worried about what i put here the last few days. i don't want my rants of the moment to affect how friends treat me. i don't want the words that i want to write to myself make others feel like i am talking about them. i don't want the words i am typing to be interpreted as complaints about those in my life. i hope that anyone reading this does not take it personally. It is just how i feel at the moment.

i have conversations with Mike all the time, especially at night, when i am alone in the house. This weekend has been full of those talks. i talk about how i feel and why i am feeling it. This weekend i talked about feeling like the perpetual extra. i even got mad at Mike because even with Him (even though i used to keep telling myself He was the only one that never treated me like an extra) i was an extra. i was the submissive on the side. i was the one the wife didn't know about for a very long time. When Mike decided to explore His submissive side, i was the extra that He felt He could talk to.

The perpetual extra. That is how i feel. i am the one that everyone else feels they need to take care of. i am the one that really isn't ever treated like number one. i am the one that is less than others because i am not Their only. Ok, not really their only, i don't mind that, but it is more like i am not anyone's first. i deserve to be someone's first. i am not talking virgin here. i am not talking about someone new to the scene. Man this isn't going well. How do i explain it?

Ok, with Mike - He had His wife. When i met Him, He also had His submissive. i was the add on. When He and the submissive broke up, i became His submissive. There was still His wife. His relationship with her, was the important one. He always said it wasn't, but really, if i had to be very very quiet when she called, and my time with Him on weekends depended on if she needed Him, then yes, i was second. i wasn't the main concern. i wasn't the one that He concentrated on. It stayed that way after He found S. S became the one that He centered His attention on, after His wife. i always felt like the second. The add on. The one that would be there, no matter what, when He needed me. i know He loved me. i know i was special to Him. i was still an extra. Still an add on.

With my friends - Now this is harder to express. This isn't their fault. This is my fault because i am not good at asking for what i need. i tend to follow others, and i do it because i want to "fit in" (welcome to low self esteem). my friends are great. They take care of me. They worry about me. They love me. i have no doubt of any of that. This is just how i feel, not how they make me feel. i am still the add on. i am the extra to their core relationships. i am the toy that can be added or just put away for when needed another time. It isn't their fault. It is just who i have made myself.

i don't want to be JUST an extra anymore. i want to be the first. i deserve to be the first. i deserve to be the one someone thinks of before anything else. i know i am not ready for a relationship. i know that for right now, being an extra is ok for me. i also know that when i am ready, i will be looking for someone that isn't going to treat me as an extra or an add on.

But the big revelation of the weekend, was that i got mad at Mike for making me feel like an add on. For making me feel like an extra, in a relationship that i should have felt like His first. That after all these months, i am able to look at our relationship in a not so good light. i am finally able to see some of the things that didn't work. The "picture perfect" idea about Him and i is slowly vanishing. That i am able to look at Him with out rose coloured glasses. i was able to get angry at Him for treating me like shit. i was able to get mad at Him, and am still mad at Him.

Tonight is another munch night

Before i talk about tonight, i figured i would fill in what happened yesterday.

So E and i did get our health cards done. That took a lot shorter amount of time than we both thought. We then went and did Aquafit. Yes we did. i had tried to warn her about what she would see, what type of people would be there. i think i did a good job. She did come out of the "class" as feeling younger and healthier. So did i. Yes i made a couple bad jokes (name that melanoma, identify that mole, do your boobs hang lower than hers). Nothing more than i would do when i was younger and taking such a class when the MIT was a baby. There were more men there than either of us thought there would be. At least we felt like very young at the end of it all. Both of us had a reaction to the chlorine in the pool. mine was redish, itchy skin. Hers was blotchy red skin. No showering there for us. We will go to our own homes to shower off the offending chemical. i know i felt much better after i had a shower.

i didn't end up going to E's when the nurse was here. i should have, but i had a bunch of government papers to deal with. They are all done, so i don't really have to worry about it today. Speaking of today, it is going to be a pretty easy day for me. A little grocery shopping, maybe look for a new bra. Other than that, take it easy and wait for tonight.

Tonight is the Hamilton munch. i am not looking forward to it. i don't think E is either. Maybe P will be able to make it tonight. If so, it could be more fun. E and i together can only cause so much trouble. Add in P's sarcastic sense of humour and it can be much more fun. i still worry about running into certain people, and not being able to be strong if i see them. i know i am stronger than i was a few months ago.

The memories of Mike are much easier to deal with. i can feel joy when i speak of His quirks. i can laugh at some of the stuff that He would do. my thoughts don't go so much to the missing Him as much. That makes me feel guilty. Part of me thinks it is ok to miss Him less, but then i feel like i am forgetting Him. i am not ready to forget Him.

Ok, lots of thoughts that i don't really need this morning. Time for some smiles.

• The MIT is doing well in math and i am not having to hear how much He hates it.
• The MIT let Himself in after school yesterday and came to tell me He was home. (i was sleeping)
• i have loads of pictures from the trip to get printed. i don't know if i will be doing it myself, or if i will be taking the disk someplace to get them printed. i also don't know if i want to put them online in my flicker account. i will have to think on that one.
• i am feeling better today, and feel like i have more energy this morning. Could it be a side effect of the aquafit yesterday? Who knows.
• i am still struggling about being submissive to anyone. i am not ready to go looking for a relationship. i feel stuck as far as that goes. Yes i am craving to serve, and craving to feel a cane on my ass, and craving to be cut. i just don't know how to get it.

Well, i guess that is all today. i hope everyone has a good Thursday.