Friday, September 26, 2008

Day 6 of the sick that won't quit

The MIT has been off school after coming home from my parents, with a cold. Well, i would call it a cold, but it has included a fever, and has been ongoing since Sunday. He hasn't been eating. He hasn't been drinking. He hasn't been acting up to the point i am getting annoyed enough that i think he is well. He has been sitting in front of the TV, taking naps when told to, and taking meds without any argument. This is not the MIT who is well. This is the MIT that is sick.

For me, i haven't gotten it. i have been careful. i have been drinking my tea, and eating healthy foods. i have made stew, i have made chicken pot pie (yes from scratch sort of). i have only napped when He has. i have been keeping up on the housework. i have been the "super-mom" that i can be when things aren't going my way.

i gave E her reflexology session. i miss doing treatments. i miss having clients. i miss using my skills and helping people. i keep trying to advertise myself. i don't know how else to do it. i am listed on the OCR website. i have given a card to my doctor so she can refer people to me. i have an add on kajiji. i have it listed in my profile on facebook. i have a listing on Witchvox. Where else do i advertise it? Should i list as a vendor at one of the Fet Fairs? Should i list as a vendor at the one event i will be going to in Niagara? Should i list it on Fetlife? i just don't know how else or where else to advertise. i know i want to keep doing it. i know i want to get enough frequent clients that i can call myself a business one day. i just don't know how to get from here to there.

Today is groceries and shopping. Then off to therapy. Part of me wants to just stay home with the MIT and do nothing, but groceries are needed, as i am still in the mood to do actual cooking. Shopping is so i can connect more with M, and have reading material for camping. Therapy...well, i never want to go. i know i need to go. i know i should go. i just don't want to go.

Well, i guess that is all that is going on in my little world today. Tomorrow i get to see M again. We are going to a Magic tournament. Maybe he will be sleeping over. i hope so. Him sleeping over means someone to cuddle with, pain to be had, and just quiet grownup time. We will see how it goes. i hope he can sleep over. If not, i will survive, and maybe head back his way with him. i do like him. A lot. i do like spending time with him. A lot.

Monday, September 22, 2008

A nice weekend...and a nice acceptance

This weekend i actually went to M's and La's place. i hadn't gone to their place yet, and thought it was about time that i spent the gas money to see M, and not just him using his gas money to see me. i was nervous. i was worried. Heck i was even scared. i was going to be in the company of M, his daughter, and his wife, for all of Saturday and most of Sunday. i wasn't sure how the dynamic would be pulled off.

So, i arrived Saturday. The baby girl was asleep, and M was there with open arms, a hug, kisses and nibbles. We did a lot of that. Eventually we woke the baby girl, and he went to get La from work. i stayed with baby girl so they could have some quiet time together, and so they could get some groceries without her being a pain. Baby girl and i had a good time together. i like being around a 2 1/1 year old. i get to be more of a kid. i also get to be a friend. i did do something foolish. i got baby girl to help me clean up a bit, something M and La have had problems getting her to do. i spouted off about it when they got home. i didn't mean to, it just came out. i was seeking approval, but ended up making La feel like a bad mom. i made sure not to do that the next day. We had a good evening. M made a nice dinner. We all ate quietly. La and M bathed baby girl. La and M put her to bed. La and M discussed the sleeping arrangements. The decided all 3 of us would be in the same bed. La went to bed early. We all ended up in bed earlier than we all normally do. While La was settling, M and i fooled around in the living room.

Now, here is something completely different, and something i never thought i would have thought possible, especially by me, but M had multiple orgasms. 3 to be exact. All in a row. He never got soft, and i didn't stop sucking. 3 times. i can't believe it. i have never had that reaction from a guy. Then again, i am used to older men. But man it was cool. We ended up going to bed shortly after. He was totally exhausted. i slept at the end of the bed, at E's feet. He slept with his feet on the pillows and used me as his pillow. It was really cool. i want a king size bed.

Sunday morning was good. We all lazed in bed listening to baby girl play. Eventually we each got up. La made baby girl's breakfast, and i fed her, so La could have some more quiet time. M lazed in bed a bit longer. After breakfast, M dragged me back to the bedroom while E and baby girl watched a movies. We fooled around a bit. He got all toppy on me. It was cool. i got all nervous about La walking in on us, so he slowed down for my comfort. Later, they talked about what would have happened, and La said she would have just giggled and walked away. La had her shower while baby girl and i played, and M watched. Then it was my turn in the shower. Then M's turn. Then it was time for me and M to head out.

We went to a gaming store. M has a standing appointment at the store to play Magic. Magic is a card game. He has taught me a little, and i understand on a basic level. Watching him play with two others that know what they are doing was cool. His excitement shined through. So did his confidence. It was like when Mike and i would go bowling. Something outside of the BDSM stuff, where we could be "normal" people. We couldn't touch each other or show any signs of affection. The people there know La, and know he is married. We didn't think they could handle the idea that La and M are poly. i really did enjoy myself. We headed back to the apartment after a few games were played, to a dinner cooked by a happy La, and a very happy baby girl. La filled us in on how her day went, and we sat down to a good meal. Then it was time for me to get going.

i couldn't believe it. La pouted. M pouted also, but i didn't expect E to be upset that i was leaving. She likes me. She really likes me. She likes that i make M happy. She likes that i can play with baby girl and not try to take over. She likes that i defer to her, and not try to play "who is alpha" with her. She likes me. M didn't want me to leave, and i didn't want to leave much either. i liked the feeling of warmth and acceptance there. i like that i wasn't in town. i like how it was a mini vacation for me. Eventually i did leave. i got home safe and sound, and called to let them know.

Overall, the weekend was cool. i couldn't have intercourse because i had a PAP scheduled for Monday, but i got to feed. i got to feed a lot. i got to orgasm a lot also. He likes watching me when i orgasm. It is unnerving to a person that is easily embarrassed by her facial expressions, and that is exactly the type of person i am. He likes it though, so it makes it easier. He also likes that part of me i totally don't like. He thinks is it sweet. i think it is hideous. It is weird for me to be with someone that so totally finds me attractive. Weird / different, not weird / odd.

When the MIT came home, He came home sick. He stayed home from school today. He came to the doctor's with me. i had my PAP done, and have my paperwork for my blood work (a commitment i made at the diabetic clinic last week). my blood pressure was good, my weight is down. The cut on my breast is healing nicely. It was a good appointment. Then the MIT and i went and got some stuff from the grocery store. With it being the equinox, i made stew with potatoes, carrots, and rutabaga. We also have apples for apple crisp tomorrow.

i am cancelling giving E a reflexology treatment tomorrow. With the MIT being sick, and home, it wouldn't help her much. Also, i don't want to expose her or D to the MIT's cold. D's immune system is probably compromised, and i don't want to make things worse. i think i will actually call E and ask her what she would like to do. She may be desperate enough to still want the treatment, and to get the time away from her house. i just don't want to make things worse for her, P or D. (ok, called and E still wants the treatment, and i still want to see her because i miss her, and so we are on for tomorrow)

It was a good and nice weekend, and different than i have ever experienced. i am glad i am seeing/being with M. i am liking being with someone again. i am enjoying the acceptance from La. i am happy, and i am enjoying that too.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Moving forward?

i did something today i never thought i would do. i deleted Mike's numbers from my cell phone. No more Mike Home, Mike Work, Mike Cell, Mike Kingston, Mike WCell. They are gone from my cell phone memory. i guess it was time. That was my thinking seconds ago when i did it. Now, i am missing them not being in there.

i know it is another stage in healing myself, in accepting what happened. i know He won't be answering any of them. Just having them programmed in was a comfort. It isn't like i could reprogram them anyways. i don't have any of those numbers written down anywhere. Not that i know of anyways.

Time is moving on. i seem to also be moving forward.

Friday, September 19, 2008


i have created a monster. A camping monster. Yes the MIT so enjoyed camping, that we are going again in October. He wants to go every month. Yes, even the winter months. Try to explain to Him that it is very cold going camping in the winter, and He says "so what". He says "but the fire will keep us warm", or "the tent will keep us warm". Heck with the way the weather has been lately, October will be cold. Even in the sun. November? i don't think so.

Right now, my Dad is "fixing" the tent. He has waterproofed it, and patched the only hole in it. He is also excited about going camping again. He is planning on hunting for warms before we leave so maybe we will have better luck with the fish. i think they will not be so hungry. i think the fish will be sleeping. OH, and talking about excited about us going, so is my Mom. Heck, she is paying for it. She suggested it. i think she really enjoyed the weekend off.

i am totally going to enjoy it. i love sitting around a fire when it is cool out. Jeans, sweatshirt, fuzzy socks. Even if we don't go fishing, or do anything but sit around a fire all day, i will be a happy camper. This time i will actually bring a book to read. i am also going to be packing another mug, so i could have hot chocolate while the boys are having coffee.

On the dating front, things are going well. We don't get to see each other as often as He would like, but i am cool with it. i like having a life away from Him. He is also moving really fast with His feelings. i am actually having issues with the 0-200 when we are together. i don't' mind pain, but i need to get into the mindset. The instant biting once He arrives, is a little hard for me. His constantly needing to touch me, to be in the same room with me, the big need to kiss ALL the time is getting, smothering almost. i am not looking for problems. i am just hoping He will be able to calm things down a bit. i don't mind being His chew toy, but i do long for more.

i long for my hair being pulled. i long for a spanking. i long for orders. i long for being told what He expects of me. i know He is new. i know He isn't used to all this. i know He isn't used to being able to act on His fantasies. Heck, i wish He would share some with me, so i know where His head is.

Instead, i am putting my head back into that space where i do and accept what is being done to and with me as a service. That what i am doing and how i am acting is a reflection on Him. That what i am doing and how i am acting is an act of submission. That the submission is really what i am craving and i am getting that by being His chew toy.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Gods i hate writing catch-ups

But, i am going to do so again.

The MIT is back at school. Things are going ok with that. He is still having trouble with His body since the medication change. He is able to voice how He is feeling more. He is crying when He is sad. He is going outside and screaming when He wants to hit Himself, others, or things. He has had some rough times, but those are changing. It is nice to see positive changes in Him.

Something that helped, is i took Him and my Dad camping this past weekend. We went camping in a tent. We left on the Friday and came home on the Sunday. It rained Friday night, after we went to sleep, and again on Sunday while we were packing up. Other than that, the weather was great. We took the MIT fishing. He hated it. He thought it was boring. It didn't help that we didn't catch anything. At least it was an experience. A positive experience at that. He has come home much more relaxed. He has come home much more positive. i am glad we went. We all needed the time together. i need to keep building experiences with Him. i need to give Him as many positive times as i can. As many adventures as i can. He needs it. i need it. i need it for later. i need it for when the time comes.

D is sick. D is very sick. D is going to die. D has cancer. It is in the lungs, it is in the brain, it is in the lymph nodes. All that can be done is to keep D comfortable. She is surrounded by love. She will be surrounded by love and positivity. i am sad. i am angry. i feel like i don't have the right to feel so sad and angry about this. D's family, my friends, deserve that right. i am a friend. i worry about her, but i do not have to be there all the time. i am there for when they all need me, want me, need help, want help, or just an ear, lap, shoulder, or hug. Until they need me, i sit here. i sit back and wait for the call that they need my presence. i give them the space they need to process all that has happened, is happening now, and will happen too soon.

On other fronts, i am dating. Yes, i am seeing someone. i met M at a play party. i met M's wife, La. i met M's friends. i met M. He is new to doing this. i am not so new. He is younger. i am not so younger. i am enjoying seeing Him. i am enjoying the feelings of passion again. i am enjoying the feeling of opening myself up to someone again. i am enjoying one experience with Him at a time. Heck, i am even enjoying missing Him when He isn't here. i get to see Him on Saturday, with La and Their daughter. We are going to a festival together. All three of us. i wear His marks. i wear His bites. i enjoy the feeling of the pain again. The pain given by someone i like being with, longer than a party night.

With Him, i don't feel like an extra. i am one. i am His alone. He decides if He wants to share me. He decides. i offered that to Him, and He accepted. He has already exercised that right. Twice actually. It feels good. It feels nice knowing i am one. i am not a play thing to add to an established relationship. i am His, outside His circle. i am not a third. i am not a second. i am His only. La has others. La doesn't need or want others. La is happy for us. La and i talk about stuff. La is with Him, but i am His alone. It feels right. i feel right again. i feel like me again.