Friday, February 27, 2009

One week since

It has been one week since my surgery. It has been one week since i decided to quit smoking. So here is what has been happening.

Surgery - it went really well. The doctor was able to reach my fallopian tubes and clip them. i am now not able to get pregnant. i no longer have to worry about a little egg getting fertilized. Now, when i miss months of periods, i don't have the worry about possibly being pregnant (in those times i actually have sex). The hole in my belly button is healing slowly. The hole above my c-section scare is well passed healed. i have bruising on my belly that would scare some sadists (not any i know but you get the idea). The doctor had said she sends most people back to work a week after the surgery. When i reminded her that my "work" includes lifting a 150 lb teenage boy, she said i should take 3 weeks. Like that is possible. He (the MIT) decided that the surgery was going to make me sweeter and nicer and not so mean. He realized that wasn't the case when i sent Him to bed at 8:00 because of bad behaviour. i think i have to stop letting Him watch so many dog programs.

Stopping smoking - It has been over a week without a smoke. my sense of smell is heightened (i can even smell the meds on the patches i put on every morning). my sense of taste is better. The cold i had left with in days. i have been knitting. i am almost 1/2 way done. i am making a Quaker Stitch afghan. See :

It is an interesting stitch. i am really enjoying it. i knit when i feel like having a smoke or even if i am just bored and am thinking of eating for no reason.

Today is therapy day. Today i get to tell Sandy that i actually had the surgery. i don't know why her trying to talk me out of it, or just talking about not having it done bothered me so much, but it did, and still does. Like i didn't think it out all the way? Like i will regret it at the age of 45 and want to try to have another child? Like i have the energy to have another child? There are way to many other options if i ever felt that way. Everything from fostering to adoption. Yup, it is still bothering me.

Today, i am also looking at my bank account. i didn't have to put out $100 for smokes last week. i didn't have to put out $100 this week for smokes. It is weird, and i don't trust it yet. i don't trust that i will not need the money for something serious or for something "just because".

OK, time to head off to shower and get ready for Sandy.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Photos and memories

Today i have been putting old photos into photo albums. i started yesterday, and got quite frustrated. i would live the memories. i would think back to that time in my life. i would remember things and start to grieve again. It wasn't a very successful day.

Today, it has been more about just getting it done. i was able to put away years 99-02. Later i may go back and look at the photos and remember more. Later i may let myself get lost in the memories. i don't feel like doing that today.

i still have from 2002 until the last set my mom gave me. i need another album or two to complete that. Until then, i have the last 10 years of my son's life all put away.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Quit day coming

i am officially prepared for quit day. i only smoke in one spot in the house, and the rest of the time it is outside. i have my gift to myself in celebration to quiting. i have the surgery to help keep smoking off my mind. i will have pain on Thursday to help keep smoking off my mind.

The gift to myself is the wool and needles i have bought myself today. i have picked out my first knitting project, and i have everything i need for it. i am so excited, i want to start today, but i am not going to do that. It is my treat for quiting smoking on Wednesday. That is how i am picturing it. The good thing for giving up the yucky thing.

Other treats i will be giving myself at certain intervals are books, special ingredients for recipes, and what i am going to be doing in the summer (plants i want, building planting beds). i may even put some towards clothes.

Really, right now, the idea of saving money (over $1600 per year, plus gas) isn't part of my thoughts of quiting smoking. i know i will probably be spending a lot of that money on knitting projects. i know that some of it will go to more books on things like hedgewitch and incense blends. i know other parts of it will be going to my new joy in cooking.

One thing the "smoking" money will not be going to is food treats. There isn't any point. i don't want to gain weight while i am quiting. That wouldn't be a good thing. So treats are reserved to bettering myself, bettering my environment, and bettering my wardrobe.

So yes, i am actually looking forward to my quit day. i am looking forward to not needing to get up out of this chair, or any place i am sitting, just to have a stinky smoke.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Taking steps

i have started taking the steps to quitting smoking. i have removed the ashtray from near the computer. i have removed the ashtray from my room. i have 2 ashtrays out, and the rest put away. i am changing where i smoke, and when i smoke. All steps to making my quit day easier.

Other stuff. Hmmm. On the 4th i had the diabetic clinic, then doctors, then dentist. At the clinic, i told them about my quit date. i also told them about me cooking more and ordering in less. i was honest about not checking my blood sugars, about not taking my meds all the time, and about the amount of stress i was under. i told them about the antibiotics, and the strep. They were really happy. i mean really happy. They were proud of my choices. They were proud of my attempts. They understood about the stress. i walked out feeling pretty good about myself.

Off to the doctor's i went. We also talked about my stress level, how i was feeling, and what was going on in my life. We talked about the upcoming surgery, and what would happen if the gyno couldn't do the tubal. Another good appointment.

Off to the dentist. An emergency situation. Real pain i couldn't handle anymore. It was decided i would have a tooth removed. So, in goes the freezing and out comes the tooth. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch. The gauze kept catching on something. i found a "sliver" i could wiggle around. i went back to the dentist the next day. He couldn't see anything. That night, i did it myself. i found the sliver, took a pair of jewelry pliers and pulled out the sliver. Yes it was bloody, and yes it hurt, but i did it. Since then, the healing has been happening nicely.

Today i am home with a sick kid. Yes the MIT is sick again. Cough, sneezes of projectile mucus, and a fever. He was home also yesterday. These past two days have been filled with Smallville. i think my brain has turned to mush.

Today i also went out shopping with my Mom for my birthday presents. i had given her a detailed list, and she got what she could off it, but i wanted to pick out 2 things myself. my family doesn't care if i know what i am getting, they are just happy i am wanting to celebrate this year, and actually want stuff, and not just money.

Here is my list:
  • enamel coated cast iron dutch oven - gotten
  • cutting board - gotten
  • wire shelves (for the bathroom) - gotten
  • cutlery tray
  • 2 mortar and pestles - gotten (1)
Oh yeah. i have been baking. i have made 2 banana breads, and 2 apple crisps in the last 4 days. i want to bake more. i want to make brownies from scratch. i want to make more apple crisps (and i have the apples to do it). i want to make more banana bread (and i have the bananas to do it, just have to wait for them to ripen more). i just want to bake and cook. If i can't bake or cook anything, i end up cleaning.

i don't know if i am avoiding anything, or if i am just feeling hyper. Heck i am not really feeling anything. i am worried about the surgery. i am worried about the MIT. i am worried about finances. i am worried about getting wool and patterns for after the 18th. i am worried about my teeth. i guess i am avoiding a few feelings right now. my big question is, how do i face them?

OK, time to go and spend more time with the MIT until the nurse gets here, and then off to read for a while.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Quiting and Tubes

So, today i set a quit date. i picked the 25th of Feb. i then talked to my Dad and he suggested i join one of the many "free" quit smoking thingies. So i called. Suffice it to say, i am getting free patches, but my quit date is now the 18th of Feb. It doesn't scare me. i am not as enjoyed about smoking as i used to be. i am ready to quit.

i also got a call at 2:30. my gyno had a cancellation, so i am having my tubal ligation on the 18th of Feb. i have an appointment with her on the 12th, along with pre-op. Then on the 18th, i get to go to to the hospital on the 18th at 12:00, and then surgery at 2:30. It isn't a positive that it will work. See i am fat. The doctor isn't sure the instruments will be able to reach threw my fat and actually get to my tubes. So, i go in for surgery, but there is no guarantee that it will actually happen. At least the prospect is there.

So, i am now off to buy some smokes, then head over to P&E's with Beef and Barley soup.

Looking forward

Imbolc Altar

Yesterday was Imbolc. i celebrated in my own unique style. i didn't start until after noon. i gathered white candles, and instead of having them in a circle on my altar, i put them all over the house. Sort of using my house as the altar. Sure i had the lt. green Goddes candle, and the lt. yellow God candle, the cauldron, the "right" crystals, the white flowers, and vanilla and cinnamon incense. i even had the "bon fire" set up in my bbq. i even served chicken with new herbed potatoes, and served pound cake with custard. (i don't have any pictures of the meal or fire. The MIT wouldn't let me take any)

Now, i look at Imbolc as the day for making resolutions and making wishes, instead of the "traditional" New Years. So here is what i am looking forward to doing as i look forward to the rest of the year.

  • Getting a bird feeder, and keeping it filled year round. (i need to pick a great place, so my patio doesn't get all poopy, but so i can see the birds, especially during the winter, from my window.)
  • Asking for more kitchen supplies to further my cooking crusade. (my birthday wish list shows just that)
  • Promising myself to watch how my body feels when i eat properly, and laying off the ordering in (cheaper in the long run), and the eating of heavy or junk food snacks. (Yes i feel different when i do not eat the junk food or order in as much. i actually feel, normal.)
  • Picking a quit date, and following through. (i know i need to quit smoking, and i am not enjoying it as much as i used to. It is a good time to do it, especially since i have friends doing the same thing. i will be consulting my doctor about this.)
  • Knitting again. Blankets, pillows, scarves, hats, and even socks. (Knitting has helped me keep my hands busy when i have quit in the past. It is time to get back on it.)
  • Not go looking for the love of a lover. (i have lots of love in my life. Sure a companion would be nice, but i am not going to settle for just anyone. i am not ready to go looking, and i am not ready to have a "special someone" in my life just yet.)
  • Keep each Sabbath in my own way, honouring how i feel, and letting the MIT experience the two different "styles" of faith. (The MIT is Anglican)
Those are the promises i have made to myself. These are the wishes i have made to myself. This is when the bride, Brigid, holds hope and a new life inside her. This is when the wishes and promises are nurtured and grow. This is a time when i can do the same. Have my wishes and promises nurture and grow inside of myself.

i am picking Ash Wednesday, as my quit day. It holds significance to my son's faith, and seems like a good time to start. It will also allow me time to move away from such habits as smoking while on the computer, and changing where i smoke. This will give me a head start on quiting. This is something important to me. i have been holding on to this addiction for far too long.

So here is to the nurturing of promises, wishes, and fresh starts.