Friday, June 22, 2007

First week of no school

So, this week has gone pretty well.

i have made a good breakfast for the MIT each morning, and have made Him dinner on nights when it is my responsibility. i cleaned out the MIT's room, and it suits Him so much better now. No "baby" toys. Mostly books and a clean floor. i did leave the shelf of stuffed things but that was more for me than for Him. i cleaned out the hallway closet. i have kept up on dishes every day. i have cleaned my room. i have cleaned the living room. i think i am at a point with the housework where i can just do little things to maintain it all summer.

i have also gotten the MIT out of the house at least once every day this week. He isn't really playing with anyone, but He is going out and getting fresh air. i am making plans on getting us to do some walking so that His butt doesn't grow to much this summer. Well, also my butt.

my contacting and interacting with friends isn't going so well. Heck, i am hardly on the computer much right now. i am also doing more listening to music, rather than watch TV. Mainly i am studying for my exam next week. i know that is an excuse. i could be putting myself out more, by calling and emailing, and talking to my friends. i just can't find a way to make myself do it right now. i still love them all, i am just not able to pull myself out of my head right now.

It is therapy day again today. i know we will be talking about how i am neglecting relationships right now. i know we will be talking about the fact that i may be avoiding my feelings with all the cleaning. That is how Sandy works. That is how i work. It is also a problem, as far as i am concerned. i know, if it is that much of a problem, why don't i do something about it. The fact is, i just don't know right now. i just don't understand it. i just can't find that place inside myself right now. i need to find it again. i am just way to lonely right now. i know it is all my doing. i just don't know how to get past it.

i feel like i am letting everyone down. i feel like i am no longer worth it. i feel like i am so lost. i feel stuck. Just so very stuck.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

From Friday, until September

Therapy was on Friday. i talked out some stuff that has been going on. Mainly the fact that i am hiding and who i seem to be hiding from. The session gave me some things to talk about. i am still thinking about them. The other thing i talked out, was that i am not looking forward to the summer.

Summer vacation last year, was a blur. This year, i am actually awake and aware that what i choose to do, will have an effect on the MIT. Last year i didn't care at all about anything. Hell, i didn't care if i woke up or if i died, or if the MIT died. This year is different. i feel the need to be a mom to the MIT this year. Make a point of doing stuff with Him. Make a point of keeping us both active. So i have come up with some plans to accomplish this.

First thing is to get the house in total order, so that the rest of the summer is just maintenance cleaning. Part of this means cleaning out a whole bunch of stuff. The MIT's toys, the MIT's books, my closet, the hallway closet, the bathroom, and the kitchen. i am now making a list of major stuff to do, and which days i will do them on. Once that is all accomplished, i can work on the maintenance schedule.

i have already started on the major cleaning projects. i washed the kitchen floor on my hands and knees, cleaned out the pantry floor, and cleaned out my cleaning supply cupboard. i am about to clean the top shelf of my pantry, and then the shelf of my hallway closet. It is a good start of feeling like i have some control this summer. Once this part gets done, i am hoping to feel better.

The way the MIT will be dealing with this first week, is to be sitting in front of the TV and flipping channels. That makes Him feel better.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

All F**KED up

i haven't written anything here in over a week. i have written in the MIT's journal (about His new meds). i have written in my pen and paper journal. i have talked stuff out loud. i just haven't written here. i also haven't been talking to friends. Things are just so fucked up right now. Nothing really that has to do with me exactly, but still close enough that it is causing me trouble.

my Sis, has fucked up big time. This includes things like lying to me, our parents, our Nana, my son, and her friends. On top of that, i have tried to help. By helping her, and her lying, i am now over due on some bills, have no money for gas, and can't go to my Mom for help because it will just get Sis in more trouble. Add to that, the feeling that i could have stopped the downward spiral and you have a recipe for me feeling guilty and angry and disappointed.

So i turn into myself. Unable to bring myself to talk to anyone. Unable to bring myself to open to anyone. Turning into myself then brings about feelings regarding the MIT. Watching Him loose little milestones, watching Him struggle with wanting to go outside (but not knowing how to play with younger kids, and not knowing how to really interact with older kids), watching Him loose muscle tone when He wants to do stuff. Turning into myself more brings about remember things with Mike. Yesterday was His anniversary with B. i wonder what she was thinking about. i wonder if she went to the cemetery. i wonder if she cried, like i do all the time.

i feel so helpless right now. Not able to fix things for my son. Not able to fix things for my younger sister. Not able to fix things for myself. i don't like that i can't fix anything. So then i get to the point where i can't fix me. i can't bring myself to climb out of my own head. i have to do something to fix at least myself. i have to find a way to do that.

So, today i am going to call my friends. i am going to re-connect with them all. i am going to pull myself out of my own ass, as much as possible. Especially since the MIT only has 3 more days of school after today. i have to find myself again. The vibrant me. The me that can be around other people. The me i seem to have lost the last month or so.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Gaining control, and finding out about myself

i haven't posted in a while. i have been busy since the fire. i have found that i have a talent i didn't know about. Let me explain.

The day of the fire, a group of 3 Moms decided that the survey should hold a BBQ to raise funds for the family that lost everything. They asked me for my help. Man did i end up helping. Thursday and Friday was spent doing things no one else wanted.

i got permission from Victoria Park to hold the BBQ
i got food donations, and raffle prize donations from 21 businesses
i got a cash donation from 1 business
i got ice donated from 1 business
i did running around, and picked-up a number of the raffle prizes and food donations.
i got a float for the two main areas
i thought up 2 activity areas (sprinklers, and Lego fun)
i was asked many times "what should I do now Wendy?"

All that was before the event. Mostly on Thursday and Friday. Even on the Saturday (the day of the event) i was asked what people should do, how to set stuff up, how to make donation boxes, how to handle the money. Sometimes they listened to my ideas, sometimes they didn't. It really didn't matter. This was a community thing.

Saturday, once the event started, i was in charge of the money (making sure everyone had enough change, and making sure the cash boxes didn't have to much cash in them at one time), the first aide station (thanks Mike, you trained me well), the sprinkler area, and the Lego area. i also took lots of pictures. It was fun. After we shut everything down, i, and 3 other people, counted the money. i made sure every envelope was signed on the seal and had the amount that was in it, and the denomination amount on it. To say the event was a success is an understatement. We raised almost $2000, not including actual donations of stuff.

Who knew i could do this? Who knew i am good at organizing a fundraiser, including getting all the supplies for free? i didn't. Sure i have some experience because of DSSG, and the running of S/mer camp, but really, being able to call places and ask for donations? Being able to ask and get stuff was the toughest job. It meant putting myself (and the event) out there to be told "no". i hate doing that. But really, i never thought i would be good at it. When i first started making the calls, it was because no one else would do it. By the end, it was because i was enjoying doing it. (ok, yes i complained while doing it, but it was still fun to hear people say yes).

Today i get to take the money to the bank. i get to take back some stuff to a couple businesses that they donated to use for the day. i get to print out cards/thank you letters to all the businesses that helped us achieve such a successful event. i will probably end up dropping them all off on Wednesday.

And about the reflexology, i put it on hold during this time. i did, right after the event, send out apologies to everyone i hadn't gotten back to. i even did a treatment on someone on Sunday. i have a treatment booked for tomorrow, and 3 booked for Wednesday. i do have one booked for today, but the MIT is sick and in bed, and i am going to have to cancel that.

So, wow. What a weekend. i didn't know i had it in me.