Numb

It has been a week since i posted. A week since the funeral. Two weeks since her death. i still think about her every day. my heart skips a beat when i drive past the hospice. i keep thinking i should be in there with her. We should be scooting outside for a smoke, watching TV or talking about the staff. i am a friend. E must have it worse.

On Thursday E's daughter took me to the movies for her birthday. We saw Twilight. It was ok. What was better was the fact that she asked me. E didn't want to see it before she read the book, and i have already read it, and she thought of me. She even invited me to her birthday dinner on the Friday night. i wasn't able to go to that. Between therapy and tooth pain, i just didn't have the stamina.

Therapy was me feeling numb and not wanting to feel anything but that. The session was all factually. No feelings were discussed. Sandy said i needed that to breath. A chance to breath from the pain and loss and feeling. i can't feel numb right now. Every time one of the flowers withers, i cry. i save it and i cry at its loss. i cry as it represents to me, another part of her going away. The MIT has been home all week. It is exam time and He is home. We have been watching Smallville most of the week. He doesn't like to see me cry, so i have been hiding those feelings from Him.

Now for the tooth. i have been having tooth pain for a few weeks. It went away when i was on the antibiotics for strep. It came back. It got so bad, i actually stood at the door of the dentist Monday morning before they opened. i ended up coming home after a root canal. Can you say ouch? The only pain killer i am on is ibuprofen. Like that is a big help. On top of that, i have strep again, so i am on antibiotics for both the tooth thing and the throat.

i am really starting to hate January. Almost as much as i hate May.

It was perfect for her.

That is the only way to describe how the services went. Enough people to fill the little chapel. Friends and family. Those that loved her.

i feel numb now. i am just numb. i am just tired. i feel drained and lost. A part of me feels like i shouldn't be sad anymore. Sort of how i felt once Mike had been buried and the memorial service was over, and the flowers had died. i know now that it doesn't work that way. E was hoping it would, but she knows it doesn't.

For the first time in almost a month, i haven't talked to E today. It feels strange. i will call her tomorrow. i will see if she needs anything. Maybe i will take her out to Starbucks. Maybe i will just say hi, remind her i am here, and let her be. Just like she did for me after Mike.

The day before...

and i am supposed to be trying to just feel and relax. Instead, i am hyper and worried. i am doing laundry. i am doing dishes. i am panicked about the candle. i am wondering when P will email me with what they want printed as an insert. i am doing anything i can do to keep from feeling.

Laundry has been put away, with one load in the dryer, another in the washer and one more to go. Dishes are in soaking, ready to be washed, with two loads waiting to go. All empty cans are in the recycling bin. All garbage has been gathered and in the right places. i am even making myself perogies for lunch/supper. i have my list of what to do tomorrow ready. i have my clothes set out ready. i have ironed my top for tomorrow. i have vacuumed. i even know what i am going to do at 3:30.

At 3:30, i am heading over to White Flame. i am going to wander the store, and pickup some stuff for myself. i am going to get the memorial candle. i am then going to head over to Rygiel, and drop off the MIT's velcro for His heart monitor. i don't want to go out, but i have too.

i have to keep busy for now. At least for a little while. At least for now. Maybe later i will be able to relax. Maybe later i can let out how sad and scared and hurt i am feeling. Right now, i just can't go there. Right now, i am keeping busy.

So today....

i did spend the entire hour with Sandy crying. i cried about needing to make D warm. i cried about missing her. i cried about crying. i cried about the tape that is playing in my head. She wanted to analyze that "tape" but i told her i just wanted to feel. i just wanted to feel sad, helpless, angry, worried, sad. First time i have ever just wanted to feel while i was there. First time i wanted to cry the entire time. First time i initiated just wanting to feel something without my head getting in the way.

We also, at the end of the hour, talked about expectations about Sunday. Expectations for myself and for others.

For myself, i expect to act mature. i expect to cry when i am feeling sad. i expect to be helpful when needed. i expect to blend into the background a little. i expect to say "she was well loved". i expect to help others feel what they need to feel, without putting my feelings in front of theirs.

For others, well, i expect others to swoop in and try to take control. i expect others to put themselves ahead of anyone else. i expect others to need to hear "it is ok". i expect others to say "i am so sorry". i expect others to need to be supportive.

So, since the MIT is now at respite, i am going to go and take my meds, make Baby Bear a tie, and go to bed. i am going to sleep in a little. i will do the last minute stuff P&E need me to do. i will print out stuff, cut stuff, pickup stuff. i will be a phone call away. i will also just sit, and prepare myself to go to the memorial tomorrow, by myself.

Tomorrow and things to come.

Tomorrow is therapy day. Other than here, i haven't really talked about how i am feeling. i don't think i can yet. i am hoping, once i am there, i will be able too. It is a safe place. It is somewhere i can let go of the grief and anger and guilt. Someplace safe to let out as much as i can before Sunday.

Sunday is going to be hard for so many reasons. The biggest is that i am going to be saying more goodbyes to a really good friend.

i am going to miss D. She would talk about things no one else would with me. She would listen to things i wouldn't share with anyone else. Even from the beginning. She could make me laugh. She could make me blush. She could make me feel comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. Sunday is going to be an uncomfortable situation. She would make it all better if she was there.

i will be surrounded by her family, people i don't know, people i have only met once or twice, people who at odds with me. Part of me doesn't want to go. i am going to feel so out of place. There will be enough people around E, P, T and C, be there for them, that i could justify to myself that i won't be needed. Hell, i am good at avoiding uncomfortable situations.

Instead, i am going to go. i am going to go for me. i am going to go and feel D's arm around my shoulder. i am going to go and stay in the background. i am going to go and, if i need to, i am going to cry. i am going to go and feel her hands in mine. i am going to go and remember all we talked about in the last week of her life. i am going to go and say my goodbyes to her and be there for her daughter, her grandchildren, and her son-in-law. i am going to go and be there for myself.

What to do with myself?

Normally i would have been at the hospice the last two mornings. Normally i would be coaxing D to eat breakfast, then lunch. We had started watching DVD's together. We had planned to watch Prince Caspian this week. She was looking forward to Eggs Benedict on Wednesday. Maybe i will make it for myself, in her honour.

Instead of that, i am helping where i can with the arrangements. i am in contact with someone about the memorial candle. i will be picking it up on Friday. i have to pick out an outfit D would like, and would be appropriate to be seen by her family. i don't have the money to get something new, so it is time to search the closet again. What i wear on Sunday will be different on Monday. Monday will be piles of clothes. Sunday will be for and inside affair.

i have made arrangements for the MIT's care while i am at the services. He isn't ready to admit it has happened. 3 deaths in less than a month, for him, is too many. He is having a hard time wrapping His head around it. He will say goodbye in His own way, eventually.

me? i will grieve as it comes. i am finding the grief of loosing Mike has gotten stronger, as the grief of loosing D is hitting me. i am scheduling my grieving time for when the MIT isn't here. Tonight i will be cooking for myself, and lying in bed, reading the book i was going to read to D. Candles will be lit. i will be wrapping myself up in her shawl. i will probably cry. i will allow myself to feel what i need to feel.

What to say?

i don't know what to say. D died early this morning. i am going to really miss her. She was a special person that raised 2 special people.

They let me be there yesterday. They had gotten the call that she was non-responsive. They thought she had seized during the night. She couldn't be woken. They called me. i was the first to arrive. We talked for a little while. They arrived next. We spent a great deal of time with her. We talked about what we were seeing. We talked about things that had happened. We talked about the cardinals at the bird feeder again. We watched the crows arrived and leave again. Different family arrived. They all needed time to be with her. E had me leave about 8 hours later, so i could sleep, for later happening.

They called at 3:30 this morning. She was gone. i went. The candle was lit. i used to find comfort in that candle. Today i found only tears and anger. We all hugged. We all cried. They needed to leave, to be with the kids, to explain (how do you explain) what happened. i could do something for all of them, and myself, that they just couldn't do. i packed up everything. i stayed with her until she was taken away. 9 1/2 hours waiting for her shell to be taken away. About 7 of those hours i spent alone with her.

During those hours, i talked to her. i removed her jewelery. i stroked her hand. i told her how much stuff she had. i complained about having to pack up so much stuff. my Sis came over and helped pack the van. i made Sis leave after that. i needed time alone with her. i told her when i was going out for a smoke. i would kiss her forehead every time i left the room, telling her i would be right back. She got colder with every kiss. At one point, all i wanted to do was warm her up. i tried putting blankets on her. i wanted to put her favourite hat on her. i just wanted her warm again. i cleaned the room, knowing how she wouldn't like it all messy when she was leaving. i thought of putting make-up on her, to make her look pretty. i thought about doing her nails. She loved to have her nails done. i removed the bandages from her elbows. She didn't need anyone seeing those. She hated having them on. i sat beside her and cried. i sat beside her and talked. i sat beside her and told her about the acrobatic squirrel that was back. i kept the shades open so she could feel the warmth of the sun on her body. i stayed until the funeral home came to take her away.

The staff let me be. They let me do what i needed to do. They let me talk to them when i needed to talk, ask questions, be proud of her. Some who knew her really well, and had met me on the days i was there, with her, hugged me. Even told me to hug them. But most of all, they let me be alone with her.

i know it wasn't her there. i know it was just the shell of her. i know it didn't make any real sense to be so worried about what i was saying to her, or how she looked, or about how cold she was. i know she wasn't there to chastise me for not wearing a coat when i went out for a smoke, but i wore one anyways. i know she wasn't there to make sure i ate breakfast, but i did anyways.

They would say i was helping them. They would say that they just couldn't do what i was doing. i say they were helping me. i say they let me grieve in a way i needed to. i say they let me do what i needed to do. i say they helped me more than i helped them.

i just couldn't leave her by herself without someone that loved her next to her. That is really why i couldn't leave. i needed her to not be alone. i needed to not be alone.

There should have been cardinals.

Reflection on the appointment

Today was therapy day. i didn't vent much. i felt relaxed enough to cry there. i cried a lot.

i have decided the word "tired" isn't enough. i am now using the word defeated. That is how i am feeling. Defeated.

One of the main things we talked about was me getting my diabetes under control. i have been thinking about how to do that since the appointment. i don't know how. Yes i have a diabetic clinic that i go to that has a nurse and a dietitian. Yes i have the backing of my doctor, and now my therapist. i don't know how they can help past what they are doing it. i know it has to be me that does it. i know what to do. i have read the books. i have listened to the dietitian. i have listened to the nurse. i have listened to the doctor. i know i should be eating 4 times a day. i know i have medications to take. i know what types of food to eat, and even what portions to have. i know i need to add exercise to my routine. my biggest problem, is i really don't care enough about myself to stick to it.

When the stress and depression get so bad i am thinking of letting go of the cliff, i loose myself in the depression and forget to take my meds, and don't eat or don't eat right. When i am lost in that depression, i don't want to move, or leave the house, and i don't have the money to join a gym. WW helped me in the past, but i don't have the money to do it, or the energy to follow through with the meal plans. Yes i cook when i can, but it is because i know i will not have the energy the next time to actually prepare a meal.

So i feel stuck. i feel defeated. i feel like i am defeating myself

A Different View

That is what i told my therapist i want. A different view than the face of the cliff staring back at me. i either want to climb up and see if there is a tree and grass at the top of the cliff, or let go and look at the sky as i fall. That is how i feel.

Stuck, hanging by my fingernails, dangling over a vast hole. Arms getting tired. Shoulders getting pulled apart. Legs dangling in the air. It is tiring being like this. Mentally, nothing to look at except dirt and roots and rocks. No sunshine. No joy. No changes. Physically my body is just holding on. The pain keeping me awake. Making my head hurt. Making everything hurt.

i am ready to just let go. i am tired of hanging on so hard. i am tired of struggling to climb. i am just plain tired.

She said she understands. She says it won't always be like this. She has been saying that for 3 years. She is worried. my doctor is worried. Hell, i am starting to worry.

Usually....

This time of year, is when i post what i promised myself last year, and what i am going to promise myself this year. That isn't happening right now. Maybe that will happen later, but there is too much keeping me in the now and not in the future. There are things i want to start doing more of, and those are what i am going to be listing.

1. Getting serious about practicing the "holidays" regarding my pagan beliefs. More taking care of my altar. More preparing foods for the special days. More meditating quietly when i have time.
2. Cooking more. i have already started, but i want to keep doing this and getting more recipes under my belt. i am enjoying watching the Food Network, and have been taking ideas from there. i also want to learn how to cook Chinese food, so i don't have to spend so much on ordering in. Also, cooking Tai food would be nice, as i can't order from anywhere without risking an bad allergy.
3. Spending more time with those i love. Yes it is hard when the MIT is having problems, but i am going to work around that.
4. Work with my doctors regarding my medications. This feeling nothing, or feeling like life isn't worth it, sucks.
5. Going camping with the MIT and my Dad more. It is nice quiet time the three of us can spend together. It is actually something i look forward to. Maybe we can incorporate P&E and the kids. That would be nice. Camping is something i have learned to enjoy again.

Well, those are the things i want to work on. i am not going to pressure myself much. Pressure adds to the anxiety, and the need for perfection, and that is something i can't do right now. i know i need to take care of myself more. i am just not motivated. Hopefully that will change as my medications get changed. Caring would be a big improvement.

The MIT has had 2 deaths in the last 2 weeks. A person He knows from church had gone from being ok, to slipping into a coma and dying 2 days later. She died Christmas Eve. Tuesday, my parent's neighbour, Vince, died. my Dad and Vince's son had to break into the house and found him dead. The MIT was very close to him. They liked to sit outside and talk. The MIT lost it when i told Him. He went outside and screamed. He came in angry and looking like He would hurt Himself. He lost His right side immediately. He is still upset about both deaths. Monday He is not going to be going to school. He will be going to a funeral. He has lost a great many people in His short life. That makes me sad

Today the MIT and i are spending a quiet time at home. i am drinking lots of water. Baileys and eggnog are a great combination, but i need to rehydrate. Tomorrow is more MIT and mommy time. Saturday will be sleeping and getting back to feeling more like myself. Sunday will be more of the same as Saturday. Monday will be the MIT going to a funeral, and me being able to spend more time with D at the hospice.

i have missed our quiet times together. She has beaten a number of odds to make it this long. She is a very strong and stubborn woman. She is a great friend, and i will never forget her influence on me.

Yeah, today is not a happy day for me.