Since "his" (now known as C) arrest, E has been skirting the lines of harassment. She has been driving C's truck and parking it in her driveway. She has been staring at me when I am in back yard. She has been talking to my other neighbours about how they should be careful of their men, or I will try to get them, and then "cry" rape. I hate that people I have known for years would believe E over me. I hate going outside. I hate going in my backyard. I hate being here when she is here.
I am slowly facing my fear. The fear of people talking about me, and casting judgement. I have been going out front when she is not here. I have even been visiting (actually going to people's houses) my neighbours. I have been sitting out back when I know she is here. I have been letting those that come to me with the rumour, the truth. I have allowed those that know the truth, to also tell when they hear the other rumour.
I still get wicked panic attacks. I can only last so long outside before the panic sets in. The neighbours that know me, try to convince me to stay outside, because they "have my back", but that doesn't dissipate how panicky I feel. I know they are trying to help, but they don't get it. They say I will feel better once E moves. I am hoping that is true.
In real life, it isn't really E or C that I am afraid of. Well, yeah it is, but it is more than that. It is the fear that someone will make a pass at me. It is the fear about other people touching me. It is the fear of well meaning friends hugging me (it has happened, and continues to happen). It is the fear that I will hear the rumour and have to tell the truth.
I am facing those fears. I am approaching rather than running and hiding. I am doing opposite to emotion. K will be very proud of me. I am proud of me. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it still brings up panic attacks. Yes, I still have to come inside and take a breath or two. Still, I am facing my fears. I am checking my mail. I even sat outside last night, when E arrived in C's truck. Getting over that was sitting and colouring. Then I headed right back outside. So E had left already. I still made it back outside.
Tonight is an alone night with just Charlie and me. TJ will be sleeping at my Mom and Dad's as usual. Maybe tonight I will do something special for myself. I know I will be BBQing dinner, and letting Charlie have the bone. That is always fun to watch. I know I will be sitting outside as much as possible. I enjoy watching Charlie play outside. I may even take him to the dog park (that is if it doesn't get to hot, or starts raining). I have been reading again. Maybe I will sit out back with my BBQ still warm and read for a while.
I have not done any problem behaviour. I am craving it, but I am staying away from it. I so want to get drunk and confront either E or M (the mother that knows everything but how to raise her own kids). Then again I don't want to go to jail or get myself hurt.
Ok, time to head off to see what Charlie is doing. I think he is asleep on my bed again.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Thursday, July 07, 2011
Feeling of safe, then not at all again
He was arrested yesterday. I saw the police walk to his unit. I called my Mom. Mom came over just as they were leading him out and putting cuffs on him at the police car. Mom came in the back door. That way there was no scene. I freaked out. Panic attack. Touchy. Scared of something happening again.
The detective called about 3 hours later. He had confessed. He would be in jail overnight. He would be facing the judge today, and then probably released on conditions. One condition (the main one for me) would be no contact with me. The second condition they are asking for, is that he can not come back to the survey. I would really like that.
Last night I felt safe. I did something I haven't done in days. I walked around my survey and talked to people again. I walked out my front door with less fear. I was still nervous. I was still having to watch my breathing. I did it anyways.
Later, his ex/roommate (E) came to my door. She wanted to know why I would do such a thing. She had two family members pulling her away from my door. All I said was "he confessed". She said he didn't and wouldn't. I was so shaken up. I called the victims hot line, and then the detective in charge. He assured me that the guy had confesses and I did not lie to E. That she will have to deal with how she feels about it all. He also said that if E approaches me peacefully, to give her his number, and he would tell her the truth. He also said that if E approached me and I felt threatened, to call 911.
I no longer felt safe. I still don't feel safe. I know E's history. She could kick my ass if she wanted to. Add to that the way I am feeling, and I would probably let her. I set my house alarm, and I kept a phone next to my bed. I was scared she would come back. She didn't.
Today I went to take the recycling out, and saw his truck. Panic attack. The feelings of fear came flooding back. So here I sit. Locked in my house. The alarm set. A phone in my had at all times. "What if's" playing in my head. Today he will be released. Today I am scared. Today will be a "stay in the house, or out back" type of day.
In DBT, they are talking about reducing vulnerability. My homework is on opposite to emotions, and I am to concentrate on fear and shame. Somehow I think they planned this just for me with what I am going through right now. I guess I could concentrate on filling out my victim impact statement. Now there is a fear I should face. There is the shame I should face.
My therapist said that his confession should make me feel validated. It doesn't. It makes me feel sad and a little angry. It means he new he was doing something wrong, but did it anyways. It means I was insignificant. It means my saying no means nothing. It means how I feel doesn't matter. It means I mean nothing. It means I am nothing.
The detective called about 3 hours later. He had confessed. He would be in jail overnight. He would be facing the judge today, and then probably released on conditions. One condition (the main one for me) would be no contact with me. The second condition they are asking for, is that he can not come back to the survey. I would really like that.
Last night I felt safe. I did something I haven't done in days. I walked around my survey and talked to people again. I walked out my front door with less fear. I was still nervous. I was still having to watch my breathing. I did it anyways.
Later, his ex/roommate (E) came to my door. She wanted to know why I would do such a thing. She had two family members pulling her away from my door. All I said was "he confessed". She said he didn't and wouldn't. I was so shaken up. I called the victims hot line, and then the detective in charge. He assured me that the guy had confesses and I did not lie to E. That she will have to deal with how she feels about it all. He also said that if E approaches me peacefully, to give her his number, and he would tell her the truth. He also said that if E approached me and I felt threatened, to call 911.
I no longer felt safe. I still don't feel safe. I know E's history. She could kick my ass if she wanted to. Add to that the way I am feeling, and I would probably let her. I set my house alarm, and I kept a phone next to my bed. I was scared she would come back. She didn't.
Today I went to take the recycling out, and saw his truck. Panic attack. The feelings of fear came flooding back. So here I sit. Locked in my house. The alarm set. A phone in my had at all times. "What if's" playing in my head. Today he will be released. Today I am scared. Today will be a "stay in the house, or out back" type of day.
In DBT, they are talking about reducing vulnerability. My homework is on opposite to emotions, and I am to concentrate on fear and shame. Somehow I think they planned this just for me with what I am going through right now. I guess I could concentrate on filling out my victim impact statement. Now there is a fear I should face. There is the shame I should face.
My therapist said that his confession should make me feel validated. It doesn't. It makes me feel sad and a little angry. It means he new he was doing something wrong, but did it anyways. It means I was insignificant. It means my saying no means nothing. It means how I feel doesn't matter. It means I mean nothing. It means I am nothing.
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
Fear, Guilt and Shame
I was raped on Friday July 1st. I feel like it was all my fault. I put myself in that situation. I consented to one act. When that act was not enough for him, things changed.
When asked if I liked anal and said no, it was ignored. When I said "not there", when feeling his penis against my rectum, it was ignored. I kept saying "not there" when he pushed himself into me. I cried. I said "no". I said "no" again, as he pulled himself out of me and pushed back in. I tried to get him off of me. I finally managed to use my foot to knock him off balance. That was were it ended.
He did not get to ejaculate. He stood there while I cried, putting on my underwear and flip flops. He kept telling me to smile because that would me I was ok. He was more worried about his ex finding out, than about how I was.
I came home and called my Sister. She came over. While she was on her way, I called the confidential rape hot line, because I needed to hear that even though I consented to one aspect of it, I didn't to the other, and that it was indeed rape. When Sis got here, I drove myself to the police station. He was watching me leave in his doorway. I reported it. I went to the hospital and had a rape kit done. I gave up my clothes that I had been wearing. I did all I had to do.
I tried to pretend that it didn't happen most of Saturday. Then a detective with the sexual assault team contacted me. I went in and gave me official video statement. I had Mom drive me. I couldn't drive myself there, or even home, after.
I have been hiding in the house. See, the man that raped me, lives next door. It happened in his house. I am scared of seeing him again. I am scared of him trying to talk to me. I am scared of him seeing me. I look out my window all the time to see if his truck is there. I have moved from sitting out front of my house, enjoying the kids playing, to hiding on my back patio, where I can pretend he won't see me. I jump when I hear a door close. I jump when someone says hello to me. I hate when people ask me how I am doing because it is all so raw, and all I can think of saying is "no, I was raped".
I don't want the people in the complex to know about it. I have told 3 people. One wanted to hug me. One did hug me. One wants to kill the guy for me (or at least hurt him really badly). I haven't told any of them who he is. I am waiting on the police to do what ever it is they are going to do. I hope they arrest him. If that happens, he can't come back here. I won't have so much of a reason to be scared.
I know I will still be scared. I have been dressed in scrubs since it happened. No more skirts for me right now. No more showing my legs, or any part of my body. I hate even wearing flip-flops, because my toes are visible. I haven't been very good to Charlie. I haven't taken him to the park in 3 days. I have only taken him on a walk once since it happened. This isn't good for either of us. Showering, since the long one I took Friday night, has not been a priority, because then I will look pretty.
I don't feel pretty. I feel dirty. I feel like I must not have been clear enough, or it wouldn't have happened. I feel like I am a raw ball of hurt and fear. I have been snapping at TJ. I have been snapping at those I love. They are all putting up with it, but for how long? How long can I feel so scare. Fear is not a healthy place to be.
So for now, I hide. I hide from everyone in the neighbourhood. I hide from him and his ex. I hide from people I know and people I don't know. My best friend doesn't even know. I am not allowed to speak to my Sister about this anymore. She will end up testifying if this goes to court.
DBT teaches us to do the opposite to what we are feeling so we can heal quicker. To radically accept what has happened. To reward ourselves when we choose not to do "problem" behaviour.
I have been hiding. That is how I feel. I have not acted opposite to this feeling. I have not dressed myself like I normally would. I have not been taking care of myself like I normally would. I don't know how to act opposite to this fear.I am not ready to act differently.
I have not been doing any problem behaviour. I have not cut myself. I continually want to. I want to scar myself. I want to watch my blood pour out so at least that is cleansed. I monitor how I feel when I do have a shower. If start wanting to scrub myself until I bleed, I decide to either end the shower, or not have one at all. I have not had any alcohol. I have wanted to drink myself into oblivion to forget. I know it won't help me forget. I know it will just bring all the fears further to the front of how I am feeling.
To radically accept, it doesn't mean I have to say what happened to me was ok. It means that I accept the fact that it happened, that I am doing what I can about it, and that it just is a part of my reality right now. I can't even wrap my head around that. All I can think about is how wrong I was, to put myself in that situation. How wrong I was about this guy. How it is all my fault. How what I was wearing was part of the problem. How being friendly to anyone can do this.
So for now, I am hiding. I am watching when his vehicle is here and acting like he is going to approach me. I am scared of anyone asking me "how are you". I am scared to go to sleep because of the dreams. I am scared to be alone. So I hide, in my house, or on my back patio.
I wish I could get angry about this. I haven't gotten there yet. I am too scared to be angry.
When asked if I liked anal and said no, it was ignored. When I said "not there", when feeling his penis against my rectum, it was ignored. I kept saying "not there" when he pushed himself into me. I cried. I said "no". I said "no" again, as he pulled himself out of me and pushed back in. I tried to get him off of me. I finally managed to use my foot to knock him off balance. That was were it ended.
He did not get to ejaculate. He stood there while I cried, putting on my underwear and flip flops. He kept telling me to smile because that would me I was ok. He was more worried about his ex finding out, than about how I was.
I came home and called my Sister. She came over. While she was on her way, I called the confidential rape hot line, because I needed to hear that even though I consented to one aspect of it, I didn't to the other, and that it was indeed rape. When Sis got here, I drove myself to the police station. He was watching me leave in his doorway. I reported it. I went to the hospital and had a rape kit done. I gave up my clothes that I had been wearing. I did all I had to do.
I tried to pretend that it didn't happen most of Saturday. Then a detective with the sexual assault team contacted me. I went in and gave me official video statement. I had Mom drive me. I couldn't drive myself there, or even home, after.
I have been hiding in the house. See, the man that raped me, lives next door. It happened in his house. I am scared of seeing him again. I am scared of him trying to talk to me. I am scared of him seeing me. I look out my window all the time to see if his truck is there. I have moved from sitting out front of my house, enjoying the kids playing, to hiding on my back patio, where I can pretend he won't see me. I jump when I hear a door close. I jump when someone says hello to me. I hate when people ask me how I am doing because it is all so raw, and all I can think of saying is "no, I was raped".
I don't want the people in the complex to know about it. I have told 3 people. One wanted to hug me. One did hug me. One wants to kill the guy for me (or at least hurt him really badly). I haven't told any of them who he is. I am waiting on the police to do what ever it is they are going to do. I hope they arrest him. If that happens, he can't come back here. I won't have so much of a reason to be scared.
I know I will still be scared. I have been dressed in scrubs since it happened. No more skirts for me right now. No more showing my legs, or any part of my body. I hate even wearing flip-flops, because my toes are visible. I haven't been very good to Charlie. I haven't taken him to the park in 3 days. I have only taken him on a walk once since it happened. This isn't good for either of us. Showering, since the long one I took Friday night, has not been a priority, because then I will look pretty.
I don't feel pretty. I feel dirty. I feel like I must not have been clear enough, or it wouldn't have happened. I feel like I am a raw ball of hurt and fear. I have been snapping at TJ. I have been snapping at those I love. They are all putting up with it, but for how long? How long can I feel so scare. Fear is not a healthy place to be.
So for now, I hide. I hide from everyone in the neighbourhood. I hide from him and his ex. I hide from people I know and people I don't know. My best friend doesn't even know. I am not allowed to speak to my Sister about this anymore. She will end up testifying if this goes to court.
DBT teaches us to do the opposite to what we are feeling so we can heal quicker. To radically accept what has happened. To reward ourselves when we choose not to do "problem" behaviour.
I have been hiding. That is how I feel. I have not acted opposite to this feeling. I have not dressed myself like I normally would. I have not been taking care of myself like I normally would. I don't know how to act opposite to this fear.I am not ready to act differently.
I have not been doing any problem behaviour. I have not cut myself. I continually want to. I want to scar myself. I want to watch my blood pour out so at least that is cleansed. I monitor how I feel when I do have a shower. If start wanting to scrub myself until I bleed, I decide to either end the shower, or not have one at all. I have not had any alcohol. I have wanted to drink myself into oblivion to forget. I know it won't help me forget. I know it will just bring all the fears further to the front of how I am feeling.
To radically accept, it doesn't mean I have to say what happened to me was ok. It means that I accept the fact that it happened, that I am doing what I can about it, and that it just is a part of my reality right now. I can't even wrap my head around that. All I can think about is how wrong I was, to put myself in that situation. How wrong I was about this guy. How it is all my fault. How what I was wearing was part of the problem. How being friendly to anyone can do this.
So for now, I am hiding. I am watching when his vehicle is here and acting like he is going to approach me. I am scared of anyone asking me "how are you". I am scared to go to sleep because of the dreams. I am scared to be alone. So I hide, in my house, or on my back patio.
I wish I could get angry about this. I haven't gotten there yet. I am too scared to be angry.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
April, and may it be a good month
March was so filled with drama that I am glad it is over. So far, the month of April has sucked a bit. I have been getting cluster migraines. This means I can not do what I want, because the migraines knock me on my ass, and then the medication to kill the pain, drops me down further. All this and still I must care for a dog and a child. I guess I am just feeling overwhelmed, tired, stressed and wishing I could do something about it. My thoughts are not connecting right now. I have been walking 4-8 km a day. I am back to taking my diabetic medication. I love my dog. My son is spending most of his time in his room watching DVDs and "On Demand". No connecting thoughts. Just small bursts of random information.
Time to go.
Time to go.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Hanging by a thread
That is how I have been feeling lately. Like I am hanging by a thread, and more and more weight is pulling, and pulling me to the point where I just can't hold on any longer.
First it was TJ in emergency. Second was Charlie getting neutered. Third was Charlie eating the razor. Forth was TJ's change in his room (will talk about this) Fifth was TJ not eating (will talk about this). Sixth was the washing machine breaking. Seventh was the van needing making grinding noises when breaking (will talk about this also). Eighth was the van going in and the estimate for that (will talk about). Ninth was Dad "fixing" my washing machine (will talk about). Tenth is my Mom yelling at me at every turn.
So, on the 16th, Mom and Dad came over and put a new TV in TJ's room. That should have been no big deal. The big deal was that Dad needed my help to install the TV and digital cable box. It just wouldn't work. Add Mom being bossy, Charlie needing help, and TJ watching "on demand" all at the same time, and me feeling like I being pulled in so many directions. I had to actually yell about someone taking Charlie out of the house for a short bit, so I could actually help Dad.
On the 17th (and partly the 16th) TJ decided that his stomach hurt / was upset and he couldn't eat. He was still drinking, but wouldn't eat anything. It was thought that he gave eating up for lent, but that wasn't really what happened. He has stopped telling us when his head is hurting, because none of me medications he can take, help his head. Going along with this, migraines make his stomach yucky. Tuesday I was really scared. Kept TJ home Wednesday (the 23, turned out to be a snow day) so I could take him to the doctor's. That was a flop, so I kept him home on Thursday (24) and was able to get him seen. The doctor gave him Boost. I have convinced TJ that Boost is a medicine lie what they gave Charlie after his surgery, to coat the stomach, and make it feel better. Since drinking the first bottle Thursday at lunch, TJ has had pizza Thursday night, oatmeal and hot chocolate Friday morning, his second dose of Boost and pizza for lunch on Friday, and pigged out at my Nana's house. So I am feeling much better about all that.
Wednesday (the 23) morning I put a load in the washing machine, and it broke. The agitator stopped. I told my parents. Dad decided he wanted to come over and fix it. So I now have TJ home from school, and Dad here, along with caring for Charlie. TJ is settled in his room, so he isn't a problem, but Charlie still needs to stay out of Dad's way, and be kept happy. Eventually, Dad figures out the part that is the problem (4 hours later) and so we clean up the kitchen so Charlie can run free, but TJ is still home and the nurse is supposed to be here, so I can take Charlie out for a walk. Nurse cancels, because she has had a car accident. I get yelled at Mom for not being nice to Dad, and then hung up on when Mom doesn't like that I put the phone to Dad's ear to tell her I have been nice, and I am stressed. No walk for Charlie or for me. Hanging by a thread.
Thursday I am supposed to see Karen. Instead, that is the time I can take TJ in to see the doctor. Doctor gives us the magic Boost. I call Karen to cancel, and start crying on the phone because everything is feeling like a weight on me. Take TJ to the doctor. Solve the eating problem because I am still able to manipulate TJ, and then Dad takes my van in to get an estimate. I give him the instructions on what ODSP needs if they are going to help pay for the repairs. 3 hours later, Dad finally goes and picks-up the van, and brings back a copy of the fax they sent. It doesn't have my name on it. That has to be on it for ODSP to consider it. Call ODSP, then call Ford back, and have them re-fax the estimate.
Today (Friday 25), TJ goes to school and me more relaxed because he ate breakfast. I have a dentist appointment, go and then come home. Dad now comes over to fix the washing machine. This kills my schedule with Charlie, and means Charlie is on leash in the house. Dad takes from 1:30 - 4:30 to get the job done, but while working on it, another part falls out, and Dad gets hurt. Mom calls I am frustrated because it feels like the washer won't get fixed and is actually getting worse. She calls and starts yelling at me. TJ comes home. Mom calls again, talks to TJ, asks to talk to me, yells at me and I hang up. Mom comes to pick-up TJ and tells me how frustrated she was when she was yelling at me, and I explain how frustrated I was when she was yelling at me, and Dad says we are all done with it, and Mom walks away saying "I don't think so".
Dad comforts me. The washer is working (then we find 2 screws - don't ask). He leaves, and I run a load through the machine. Charlie and I have dinner, and then we lie down on my bed and fall asleep. TJ comes home early from karate (I didn't answer the phone when Mom called to let me know this is happening). I put Charlie in his crate (since it is crate time) and stay lying in bed until 10:45 when I finally put TJ to bed.
And so now, I am awake. I will be heading back to bed soon. I need to make sure I am ok for taking Charlie over to Mom and Dad's for play time tomorrow.
The good news is, I have not done any problem behaviour. I have really wanted to. I mean, really, really want to. Even right now, I would love to cut. I would love to just take enough pills to not wake-up tomorrow. I would even add booze to the pills. I am not doing this. I am sleeping a lot (not a good thing) but I am not doing any problem behaviour. Karen says that is a good thing. I have also been effective during all of this. I have called ODSP about the van. I have taken TJ to the doctor. I have hit or killed anyone. My washer is fixed. TJ is "fixed". Soon the van will be fixed. I guess that means the DBT therapy is working. I hate that I am crying so much. I hate that I can't just push my feelings aside and become that robot I used to be. It feels like it makes my thread a little thinner.
Thelma is scheduled to come tomorrow.
Earth day is tomorrow, and I intend to celebrate it the same way I always do. Candles and a fire out back. Maybe that will help me to relax and start to feel normal again.
First it was TJ in emergency. Second was Charlie getting neutered. Third was Charlie eating the razor. Forth was TJ's change in his room (will talk about this) Fifth was TJ not eating (will talk about this). Sixth was the washing machine breaking. Seventh was the van needing making grinding noises when breaking (will talk about this also). Eighth was the van going in and the estimate for that (will talk about). Ninth was Dad "fixing" my washing machine (will talk about). Tenth is my Mom yelling at me at every turn.
So, on the 16th, Mom and Dad came over and put a new TV in TJ's room. That should have been no big deal. The big deal was that Dad needed my help to install the TV and digital cable box. It just wouldn't work. Add Mom being bossy, Charlie needing help, and TJ watching "on demand" all at the same time, and me feeling like I being pulled in so many directions. I had to actually yell about someone taking Charlie out of the house for a short bit, so I could actually help Dad.
On the 17th (and partly the 16th) TJ decided that his stomach hurt / was upset and he couldn't eat. He was still drinking, but wouldn't eat anything. It was thought that he gave eating up for lent, but that wasn't really what happened. He has stopped telling us when his head is hurting, because none of me medications he can take, help his head. Going along with this, migraines make his stomach yucky. Tuesday I was really scared. Kept TJ home Wednesday (the 23, turned out to be a snow day) so I could take him to the doctor's. That was a flop, so I kept him home on Thursday (24) and was able to get him seen. The doctor gave him Boost. I have convinced TJ that Boost is a medicine lie what they gave Charlie after his surgery, to coat the stomach, and make it feel better. Since drinking the first bottle Thursday at lunch, TJ has had pizza Thursday night, oatmeal and hot chocolate Friday morning, his second dose of Boost and pizza for lunch on Friday, and pigged out at my Nana's house. So I am feeling much better about all that.
Wednesday (the 23) morning I put a load in the washing machine, and it broke. The agitator stopped. I told my parents. Dad decided he wanted to come over and fix it. So I now have TJ home from school, and Dad here, along with caring for Charlie. TJ is settled in his room, so he isn't a problem, but Charlie still needs to stay out of Dad's way, and be kept happy. Eventually, Dad figures out the part that is the problem (4 hours later) and so we clean up the kitchen so Charlie can run free, but TJ is still home and the nurse is supposed to be here, so I can take Charlie out for a walk. Nurse cancels, because she has had a car accident. I get yelled at Mom for not being nice to Dad, and then hung up on when Mom doesn't like that I put the phone to Dad's ear to tell her I have been nice, and I am stressed. No walk for Charlie or for me. Hanging by a thread.
Thursday I am supposed to see Karen. Instead, that is the time I can take TJ in to see the doctor. Doctor gives us the magic Boost. I call Karen to cancel, and start crying on the phone because everything is feeling like a weight on me. Take TJ to the doctor. Solve the eating problem because I am still able to manipulate TJ, and then Dad takes my van in to get an estimate. I give him the instructions on what ODSP needs if they are going to help pay for the repairs. 3 hours later, Dad finally goes and picks-up the van, and brings back a copy of the fax they sent. It doesn't have my name on it. That has to be on it for ODSP to consider it. Call ODSP, then call Ford back, and have them re-fax the estimate.
Today (Friday 25), TJ goes to school and me more relaxed because he ate breakfast. I have a dentist appointment, go and then come home. Dad now comes over to fix the washing machine. This kills my schedule with Charlie, and means Charlie is on leash in the house. Dad takes from 1:30 - 4:30 to get the job done, but while working on it, another part falls out, and Dad gets hurt. Mom calls I am frustrated because it feels like the washer won't get fixed and is actually getting worse. She calls and starts yelling at me. TJ comes home. Mom calls again, talks to TJ, asks to talk to me, yells at me and I hang up. Mom comes to pick-up TJ and tells me how frustrated she was when she was yelling at me, and I explain how frustrated I was when she was yelling at me, and Dad says we are all done with it, and Mom walks away saying "I don't think so".
Dad comforts me. The washer is working (then we find 2 screws - don't ask). He leaves, and I run a load through the machine. Charlie and I have dinner, and then we lie down on my bed and fall asleep. TJ comes home early from karate (I didn't answer the phone when Mom called to let me know this is happening). I put Charlie in his crate (since it is crate time) and stay lying in bed until 10:45 when I finally put TJ to bed.
And so now, I am awake. I will be heading back to bed soon. I need to make sure I am ok for taking Charlie over to Mom and Dad's for play time tomorrow.
The good news is, I have not done any problem behaviour. I have really wanted to. I mean, really, really want to. Even right now, I would love to cut. I would love to just take enough pills to not wake-up tomorrow. I would even add booze to the pills. I am not doing this. I am sleeping a lot (not a good thing) but I am not doing any problem behaviour. Karen says that is a good thing. I have also been effective during all of this. I have called ODSP about the van. I have taken TJ to the doctor. I have hit or killed anyone. My washer is fixed. TJ is "fixed". Soon the van will be fixed. I guess that means the DBT therapy is working. I hate that I am crying so much. I hate that I can't just push my feelings aside and become that robot I used to be. It feels like it makes my thread a little thinner.
Thelma is scheduled to come tomorrow.
Earth day is tomorrow, and I intend to celebrate it the same way I always do. Candles and a fire out back. Maybe that will help me to relax and start to feel normal again.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Charlie and TJ
Both are well. Charlie is home, and was home Sunday night. TJ doesn't feel any guilt. TJ even went up to Charlie and petted him. He checked out Charlie's scar and went "eww"
Me, well, I am still surviving. I am working on little sleep. I have not had a chance to catch up on all the sleep I lost Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights. I will make it through. I always do.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of when I first started keeping an online "journal". It will be 7 years. This journal has gone through a lot of changes. It started out when I was with Mike and I needed a place to vent. It moved to a place for me to grieve. Now it is a place for me to vent, and let go, and just be for a while.
I don't know if I will ever make this back into a BDSM journal. I don't know if that is where I am headed. Right now, I just know what I put down is how I am feeling, and how I am doing. I am going to keep trying to keep Charlie stuff to his own journal. It is difficult since he and TJ are such big parts of my life.
I hope this is enough. It is for me.
Me, well, I am still surviving. I am working on little sleep. I have not had a chance to catch up on all the sleep I lost Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights. I will make it through. I always do.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of when I first started keeping an online "journal". It will be 7 years. This journal has gone through a lot of changes. It started out when I was with Mike and I needed a place to vent. It moved to a place for me to grieve. Now it is a place for me to vent, and let go, and just be for a while.
I don't know if I will ever make this back into a BDSM journal. I don't know if that is where I am headed. Right now, I just know what I put down is how I am feeling, and how I am doing. I am going to keep trying to keep Charlie stuff to his own journal. It is difficult since he and TJ are such big parts of my life.
I hope this is enough. It is for me.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Sigh
I am not so angry at TJ. He is him. Just all means I need to do a walk through before letting Charlie out of his crate. What I am feeling is relief. He is fine. Well, he has a big cut in and on him, but other than that, all is good.
Relief is an interesting feeling. I started crying after I talked to the vet this morning, and found out I get to go and feed Charlie around 2. I am watching the clock. I want 2 to get here now. It is like I understand that the vets say he is ok, but like with TJ, I need to see it for myself. I need to touch him. I need to see him. I need to let him see me. Then, and only then, will I know he is ok.
For now, it is time to take care of myself, have something to eat, and get ready to see him.
I will talk about my Mother later.
Relief is an interesting feeling. I started crying after I talked to the vet this morning, and found out I get to go and feed Charlie around 2. I am watching the clock. I want 2 to get here now. It is like I understand that the vets say he is ok, but like with TJ, I need to see it for myself. I need to touch him. I need to see him. I need to let him see me. Then, and only then, will I know he is ok.
For now, it is time to take care of myself, have something to eat, and get ready to see him.
I will talk about my Mother later.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Emotions and surgeries
On Monday, Charlie had his first surgery. He was neutered. No biggy. He handled it all very well. He hasn't really licked at or bitten at his stitches. That isn't what this post is about.
This post is about the worry, guilt, sadness, anger and panic I am feeling right now, as Charlie is in surgery to have 5 razor blades removed from his stomach.
Worried - He might not make it. The blades could have moved from his stomach, lower, putting him at more risk. He could be fine, but my mind is on how much this is costing me, my family, and him not making it
Guilt - I didn't check the bathroom to make sure there was nothing he could get at, since there has never been anything for him to get at. I had to ask my Mom and Dad for $4000 to pay for the surgery and there is going to be more costs involved post surgery. This is my dog and I should be able to pay for anything that happens to him. Yes I have insurance, but that only covers part of what the expense is going to be.
Sadness - I am home alone without my baby. I want him here. I can't fix it. I have to count on someone else to fix it. I want to be in that operating room with him right now. I miss him. He isn't in his crate. I didn't get to feed him dinner. What if he is hungry? I miss him. I need him here.
Anger - TJ moved the damned razor and made this all possible. If TJ didn't do that, none of this would have happened. Why does TJ have to be such an ass about everything being moved or how he likes it? Why can't he just leave things alone? Why did he have to move my razor?
Panic - all these feelings mixing together and I want to cut and drink and eat and I know I shouldn't. Right now I am just sitting here, second by second, telling myself what a good girl I am for not doing any of those things. Cheer leading was never my strong suit, so this is hard, but I am making it.
I am making it so that when the vet calls, I can be coherent enough to hear what she says. To hear how he is. To understand what happens next and when I can see him.
This post is about the worry, guilt, sadness, anger and panic I am feeling right now, as Charlie is in surgery to have 5 razor blades removed from his stomach.
Worried - He might not make it. The blades could have moved from his stomach, lower, putting him at more risk. He could be fine, but my mind is on how much this is costing me, my family, and him not making it
Guilt - I didn't check the bathroom to make sure there was nothing he could get at, since there has never been anything for him to get at. I had to ask my Mom and Dad for $4000 to pay for the surgery and there is going to be more costs involved post surgery. This is my dog and I should be able to pay for anything that happens to him. Yes I have insurance, but that only covers part of what the expense is going to be.
Sadness - I am home alone without my baby. I want him here. I can't fix it. I have to count on someone else to fix it. I want to be in that operating room with him right now. I miss him. He isn't in his crate. I didn't get to feed him dinner. What if he is hungry? I miss him. I need him here.
Anger - TJ moved the damned razor and made this all possible. If TJ didn't do that, none of this would have happened. Why does TJ have to be such an ass about everything being moved or how he likes it? Why can't he just leave things alone? Why did he have to move my razor?
Panic - all these feelings mixing together and I want to cut and drink and eat and I know I shouldn't. Right now I am just sitting here, second by second, telling myself what a good girl I am for not doing any of those things. Cheer leading was never my strong suit, so this is hard, but I am making it.
I am making it so that when the vet calls, I can be coherent enough to hear what she says. To hear how he is. To understand what happens next and when I can see him.
Sunday, March 06, 2011
The day after.
Yesterday was very tough. The nurse called 911 because TJ was showing different seizure activity. I actually cried when the first responders (FD) showed up. I was scared because TJ just wasn't right. We spent the day at the hospital. Mom and Dad took TJ home with them.
I came home and had planned on going for a walk with Charlie (who had been locked up in his crate once 911 was called). I had planned on then going to bed. It didn't happen. I needed more. I needed to feel comforted. I needed to not feel. So I ordered in food and ate and ate.
That means today, I get to start filling in a behaviour chain. It is not supposed to be a punishment. It is to be a learning tool. To learn why I made the decission that I did, and how to make it easier not to make the same decision next time. So, now I am learning why I needed to eat so much to make me feel better.
I know why. I wanted comfort. I wanted to feel over full instead of sad and guilty and scared and out of control over the entire hospital visit. I wanted to escape from feeling for a while. So, that is what I did.
As to how not to do it again next time, I have no idea right now. I am not doing it tonight, and I really want to. I want to order in KFC and just binge on all that fat and hot stuff for the night.
I came home and had planned on going for a walk with Charlie (who had been locked up in his crate once 911 was called). I had planned on then going to bed. It didn't happen. I needed more. I needed to feel comforted. I needed to not feel. So I ordered in food and ate and ate.
That means today, I get to start filling in a behaviour chain. It is not supposed to be a punishment. It is to be a learning tool. To learn why I made the decission that I did, and how to make it easier not to make the same decision next time. So, now I am learning why I needed to eat so much to make me feel better.
I know why. I wanted comfort. I wanted to feel over full instead of sad and guilty and scared and out of control over the entire hospital visit. I wanted to escape from feeling for a while. So, that is what I did.
As to how not to do it again next time, I have no idea right now. I am not doing it tonight, and I really want to. I want to order in KFC and just binge on all that fat and hot stuff for the night.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Migraines and feeling like crap
In the last 2 weeks, I have had a total of 5 days worth of migraines. They drop me on my butt. I can't do anything. I have to fake being ok for TJ. I have to fake being ok for Charlie. Other than that, the vomiting and pain is just way to much.
I finally called my doctor on Thursday. She ordered me some Demerol. It is the only thing that has worked in the past, and thank the Gods and Goddesses it worked this time.
I am now back to normal.. I am now functioning as I did before the migraines took over. Now I just have to fight the urge to take more just to feel stoned.
I finally called my doctor on Thursday. She ordered me some Demerol. It is the only thing that has worked in the past, and thank the Gods and Goddesses it worked this time.
I am now back to normal.. I am now functioning as I did before the migraines took over. Now I just have to fight the urge to take more just to feel stoned.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Ponderings
I don't know if I should change everything about this blog. I don't know if I am ready to give up on the BDSM side of me. I don't know if I should change this blog to being about daily living things or not.
What I do know, is I want a place where I can talk about my Charlie and my son at all times, and not worry about people looking and reading all the BDSM stuff, when they are only interested in me, the dog, and TJ.
So, tonight I created the Puggle Charlie Growing-up blog. Those that are interested in puggle pictures, puggle links, dog talk, and the such, please feel free to check it out.
What I do know, is I want a place where I can talk about my Charlie and my son at all times, and not worry about people looking and reading all the BDSM stuff, when they are only interested in me, the dog, and TJ.
So, tonight I created the Puggle Charlie Growing-up blog. Those that are interested in puggle pictures, puggle links, dog talk, and the such, please feel free to check it out.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Control / Perfection issues
So I am still having problems walking Charlie. I am so frustrated, I have made calls to different trainers. They all cost hundreds of dollars. I can't afford that, so I keep trudging along hoping I am doing ok at this. In the house, he has calmed so much, and I have full control. Outside, in the front and beyond, not the same story.
I talked to my Mom about this. She reminded me of how I was obsessed with making sure I was a perfect Mom to TJ. That I didn't (and still don't) want to be what most people see as a single Mother. What most people see as a mother of a disabled child. That I have to appear perfect. That if he acted out in public, I was horrified. I felt like (and still do) a really bad mother, and what everyone thinks of, when they hear about a single mom.
She is right. I want to be perfect at this. I want his life (Charlie's) and TJ's life to be what they deserve. They deserve to be happy and to not show any form of contention. I don't like hearing from others how to raise either of them. I don't like hearing how I need to just be me and back off a little. I don't like hearing how they would do it, if it was them.
I don't like hearing it, because they have no idea what it is like to be in my shoes. They have no idea how hard it is to balance (with TJ) a sense of perfection, and a sense of self. They have no idea how hard it is to get a puggle to walk on a leash with a bad back from lifting and moving TJ around. They all just have no idea.
Add to that, my insane need to be perfect and in control. Yes Charlie has come a long way from where he was when he first got here, but I feel like he should be walking so much better on a leash. The fact that I saw a boy about 10 years old, walking a puppy without any problems, doesn't help.
I hate doubting myself, but that is where I am again tonight. Full of doubt, and looking for control and perfection.
I talked to my Mom about this. She reminded me of how I was obsessed with making sure I was a perfect Mom to TJ. That I didn't (and still don't) want to be what most people see as a single Mother. What most people see as a mother of a disabled child. That I have to appear perfect. That if he acted out in public, I was horrified. I felt like (and still do) a really bad mother, and what everyone thinks of, when they hear about a single mom.
She is right. I want to be perfect at this. I want his life (Charlie's) and TJ's life to be what they deserve. They deserve to be happy and to not show any form of contention. I don't like hearing from others how to raise either of them. I don't like hearing how I need to just be me and back off a little. I don't like hearing how they would do it, if it was them.
I don't like hearing it, because they have no idea what it is like to be in my shoes. They have no idea how hard it is to balance (with TJ) a sense of perfection, and a sense of self. They have no idea how hard it is to get a puggle to walk on a leash with a bad back from lifting and moving TJ around. They all just have no idea.
Add to that, my insane need to be perfect and in control. Yes Charlie has come a long way from where he was when he first got here, but I feel like he should be walking so much better on a leash. The fact that I saw a boy about 10 years old, walking a puppy without any problems, doesn't help.
I hate doubting myself, but that is where I am again tonight. Full of doubt, and looking for control and perfection.
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Still with the Charlie
I am really thinking something out. Karen, my therapist, says to just let it go and enjoy. I on the other hand, feel the need to think and ponder and think some more.
Since getting Charlie, I am no longer looking to fill a void. A void I never realized I had. I haven't thought about calling / finding a man. No drinking at all. Even thoughts of quiting smoking, even though I can still afford it.
So maybe it is time to do as Karen says. Just enjoy what is happening, and see what happens. Charlie is still a puppy, and still requires a lot of care. He will become less of a handful, but will constantly need me. Just like TJ.
Speaking of TJ. I am legally his guardian. I now have control over his finances, and medical decisions for the rest of his life. When I first got the news....a deep breathe of thank the gods. Seconds later, I was in tears. I shouldn't. This should be different. He should be able to do it on his own. Then I shared this and E said the perfect thing back to me. She said how much she is missing the "control" she has over her kids, now that they are teens. She is missing a lot of what I get to experience. It made me think. I was better.
So congrats to me on filling a void without destructive behaviour. Congrats to me for getting guardianship. Congrats to me for having an 18 year old that cuddles and snuggles, and still needs me every day.
Since getting Charlie, I am no longer looking to fill a void. A void I never realized I had. I haven't thought about calling / finding a man. No drinking at all. Even thoughts of quiting smoking, even though I can still afford it.
So maybe it is time to do as Karen says. Just enjoy what is happening, and see what happens. Charlie is still a puppy, and still requires a lot of care. He will become less of a handful, but will constantly need me. Just like TJ.
Speaking of TJ. I am legally his guardian. I now have control over his finances, and medical decisions for the rest of his life. When I first got the news....a deep breathe of thank the gods. Seconds later, I was in tears. I shouldn't. This should be different. He should be able to do it on his own. Then I shared this and E said the perfect thing back to me. She said how much she is missing the "control" she has over her kids, now that they are teens. She is missing a lot of what I get to experience. It made me think. I was better.
So congrats to me on filling a void without destructive behaviour. Congrats to me for getting guardianship. Congrats to me for having an 18 year old that cuddles and snuggles, and still needs me every day.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Busy month and HAPPY!!!!!
OK. So a lot has gone on since the 31st of December, but I am only going to concentrate on one thing.
I GOT A DOG!!!!!!!
That is right. I now own a dog. A long time ago, I was allergic to dogs. When I had an allergy test done again for a food allergy diagnosis, they also tested me for cats and dogs and a few other mundane things. Well, the cat prick came back as sever. So no cats for me still. The dog test came back perfectly fine. Now I have kept this a secret, because TJ has wanted a dog for a long time, and I wasn't ready. He and I have talked about it more in the last year. He has known for a little bit, that I am not allergic to dogs.
Back in October, my "friend" (not anymore, and not really for a very long while) wanted to buy a puggle (part pug and part beagle). I drove her out to the person that was selling them, and drove the two of them home, and then went out with her to get supplies for the new puppy. She and her family of 3 kids and a "husband", plus his 2 kids named him Charlie.
I found out on the 16th, that she was trying to sell him, and had been trying since the beginning of the year. I was livid, and excited. I asked my Sis her opinion, and she said no. I asked my Dad his opinion, and he said no. I asked my Mom her opinion, and she said yes. My Mom actually said Yes! I talked to Karen, and she said yes. That was it. I said yes. On the 17th, I drove home after seeing Karen, stopped at my "friend's" place, asked if Charlie was still up for sale, told her I wanted him and off I was to the bank and then back to get the dog.
After getting him (and a receipt), I started working with him. He was a lot rowdy. He was aggressive. He was hard to relax. He had long claws. His last visit to the vet said his next appointment should have been on Dec. 29th. He was eating yucky food. He had been left in a cage or on the back deck. He had never been on a walk. He was hating the leash. He had two collars that did nothing to do for a correction. It turned out he was late for his last set of shots (due on the 29th, then changed to the 14th) and they never even cancelled or went to the appointment.
Since then, he is a much happier and healthier dog. He got a check up and his claws cut at the vet's on the 13th. He will go to the door when he needs to pee or poo. He knows how to sit and stay. He is a ball of energy, and I have found 2 ways to expel this pent up energy. I actually jog with him, or take him to my Mom and Dad's to use their backyard. I also am doing the "doggy boot camp" the vet recommended. He is an attention seeker, and we are curbing his choices of how to get attention. He has run of the house when it is only me and/or TJ home. He is on leash when Thelma is here. He is on leash for a lot of the time when Sis is here. Today he actually stayed off leash when my Dad came to get TJ. Even in that excitement, he was calm and would sit when told. He even stayed out and about when TJ went full blown and I had to sit on the floor and pay most of my attention to TJ. We still have problems with walking and him wanting to follow every scent in the world, but things are getting better.
Since being in my home, he is a well behaved 5 month old boy. We go for 2-3 walks a day when the MIT is not home from school. We go threw the "doggie boot camp" training at least once a day. His treats are ice cubes in his water bowl, and cut up carrots. When he is calm and relaxed, he gets petted and scratched. When he breaks a rule, his is ignored for a little bit. He is learning quickly. He is a joy to have around.
I GOT A DOG!!!!!!!
That is right. I now own a dog. A long time ago, I was allergic to dogs. When I had an allergy test done again for a food allergy diagnosis, they also tested me for cats and dogs and a few other mundane things. Well, the cat prick came back as sever. So no cats for me still. The dog test came back perfectly fine. Now I have kept this a secret, because TJ has wanted a dog for a long time, and I wasn't ready. He and I have talked about it more in the last year. He has known for a little bit, that I am not allergic to dogs.
Back in October, my "friend" (not anymore, and not really for a very long while) wanted to buy a puggle (part pug and part beagle). I drove her out to the person that was selling them, and drove the two of them home, and then went out with her to get supplies for the new puppy. She and her family of 3 kids and a "husband", plus his 2 kids named him Charlie.
I found out on the 16th, that she was trying to sell him, and had been trying since the beginning of the year. I was livid, and excited. I asked my Sis her opinion, and she said no. I asked my Dad his opinion, and he said no. I asked my Mom her opinion, and she said yes. My Mom actually said Yes! I talked to Karen, and she said yes. That was it. I said yes. On the 17th, I drove home after seeing Karen, stopped at my "friend's" place, asked if Charlie was still up for sale, told her I wanted him and off I was to the bank and then back to get the dog.
After getting him (and a receipt), I started working with him. He was a lot rowdy. He was aggressive. He was hard to relax. He had long claws. His last visit to the vet said his next appointment should have been on Dec. 29th. He was eating yucky food. He had been left in a cage or on the back deck. He had never been on a walk. He was hating the leash. He had two collars that did nothing to do for a correction. It turned out he was late for his last set of shots (due on the 29th, then changed to the 14th) and they never even cancelled or went to the appointment.
Since then, he is a much happier and healthier dog. He got a check up and his claws cut at the vet's on the 13th. He will go to the door when he needs to pee or poo. He knows how to sit and stay. He is a ball of energy, and I have found 2 ways to expel this pent up energy. I actually jog with him, or take him to my Mom and Dad's to use their backyard. I also am doing the "doggy boot camp" the vet recommended. He is an attention seeker, and we are curbing his choices of how to get attention. He has run of the house when it is only me and/or TJ home. He is on leash when Thelma is here. He is on leash for a lot of the time when Sis is here. Today he actually stayed off leash when my Dad came to get TJ. Even in that excitement, he was calm and would sit when told. He even stayed out and about when TJ went full blown and I had to sit on the floor and pay most of my attention to TJ. We still have problems with walking and him wanting to follow every scent in the world, but things are getting better.
Since being in my home, he is a well behaved 5 month old boy. We go for 2-3 walks a day when the MIT is not home from school. We go threw the "doggie boot camp" training at least once a day. His treats are ice cubes in his water bowl, and cut up carrots. When he is calm and relaxed, he gets petted and scratched. When he breaks a rule, his is ignored for a little bit. He is learning quickly. He is a joy to have around.
