Thursday, August 27, 2009

Less than 2 weeks left.

We have been doing "back to school" stuff lately. We have all the supplies. We have gotten the MIT's hair cut and coloured again (this year he is a redhead with an army cut). We have gotten His teeth checked (2 cavities). Today is a doctor's visit. All the stuff for Him to be ready to return to school. i am so excited.

Soon i will be able to catch a sleep after He leaves for school. Soon i will not have to take Him to get groceries or anything, i can do it while He is at school. It is a freeing time of year. Yes i am still on call. Yes i still have to worry about Him getting hurt or having really bad days, but it is freeing.

i have been thinking very hard about L lately. God i miss Her. i can't make the first move though. i can't contact Her before She, if ever, contacts me. See, in my eyes, She pulled from me. She took me off Her friends lists (FB and FL). She stopped accepting emails from me. She couldn't even bring Herself to drop off my stuff to me. God that hurt. i still remember Her words in our final email to each other. The words hurt so much. So, no. i can't contact Her.

If She contacted me? Wow, i would be elated. i would answer Her in a moment. i would respond, and i would go see Her and wrap my arms around Her and tell Her it would be alright, and i would tell Her how proud i am of Her. i would offer Her what ever i had to give. myself, my service, my shoulder, my talents. i am already doing some of it. i am watching. i wonder if She is watching me?

P has been around a lot lately. i appreciate the attention. i know part of it is to bring me back out and around. i have been hiding this summer. Heck, i have been hiding from everyone, even M from the neighbourhood. She is still in the thralls of her relationship. She only calls or comes over when she wants something. i don't need that. i have only enough energy to give, and she is not someone i really want to give it to.

i feel like i am babbling. Like i am not staying on any topic. i had better go and settle my thoughts and myself a little. i have been really unsettled lately.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

A Bad Week, but that isn't on my mind.

For as bad as my week was, i have anything but on my mind. Tonight i just want to be.

i want to be on my knees at some One's feet.

i want to feel some One's nails combing threw my hair.

i want to lean my head on some One's leg and feel the warmth of their skin.

i want to hear a whisper in my ear.

i want to be told i am beautiful.

i want to feel skin against my skin.

i want to please some One just by my actions and anticipation.

i want to be massaging some One's feet.

i just want to be with some One that knows who i am and what i can do, and how special it is for me to give myself.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Summer is almost finished. Plus some introspection.

With summer vacation coming to an end, i have to say that i finally got the MIT and Dad camping. Finally. We went from the 6-8 and had a great, quiet time. Well other than the Raccoons hunting and gathering from our site. LOL. i have already booked our weekend in September. It did help throw in my face how much the MIT has lost in a year. He couldn't get up to go to the "pee tree" by Himself. One of us had to have at least 2 hands on Him at all times, and that was with Him having both sides working. He nearly fell into the fire 6 times.

i can't wait for school to start. At least then i will be getting some sleep during the days. Until then, it is up all night and sleep when i get the chance. Tomorrow Sis is taking the MIT to a movie. i can sleep then.

So the therapist and i started the "borderline personality disorder" questionnaire, and wouldn't you know it, i might be bi-polar LOL. i get to ask friends and family if they have ever seen my "manic" and how i acted, and how i was, and if they have ever seen the large depression afterwards. Great, feedback i really don't want to hear about.

On the BDSM side of me. Still nothing. No desire for it. No desire to put myself out there. i know that side is still in me. When ever P comes for a visit i can drop right back into that mindset. i just try really hard not to. It makes me feel too alone afterwards, even after just asking for a smoke, or asking Him if He wants something to drink. The loneliness afterwards is so hard.

i know that if i ever did get involved like that with someone, it would have to be with someone just for me. At least for a little while. Just so i can get my bearings back again, and not have to go home feeling so alone again.

i am actually missing L a lot. i had felt such a connection with Her. i know She is going through a lot, and Her life isn't easy right now. i wish i could be a help to Her. i just don't know if She will ever be able to accept me for who i am, and if She will ever want me back in Her life. She did say some things that really hurt me. i know me though. i know i can forgive and forget. i just don't know if She can, or if She wants to. i still feel that connection to Her, even without speaking to Her in almost a year. i am just not going to make the first move on this. Not this time. i have gone back to Her too many times with my tail between my legs.

Sunday, August 02, 2009

After therapy.

So i had therapy on Friday. Only a few things were really said. One being said (and the most important one in my head) is that i am going to be tested for borderline personality disorder. Great. Like i don't feel crazy enough already.