Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Beltaine and May

Tonight is Beltane. Tomorrow is May. i can't wrap my head around celebrating the coming of May, especially with it being focusing on fertility. i just can't go there.

It will be two years ago that Mike passed, on the 17th. i am missing Him a lot right now. i can tell you what happened on this night 2 years ago. i can tell you what was going on each day in May, including the day He died, and the day after He died. After that, things are a blur.

i thought i could handle May better this month. i thought May wouldn't be so hard. Instead i am sitting here, dreading the beginning of May. Crying my eyes out because He still isn't here. i just feel so lonely without Him.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Content....sort of

This weekend was great. It was relaxing, and enjoyable, and full of friends and fun.

Saturday was P's party. E finally pulled of a surprise for Him. First it was dinner at Tucker's, then going to a decorated house for cake and presents. There were 13 of us at dinner. L&D with M&S, me, Sh, K&B, and of course P&E with C&T, plus Br. Back at the house H&D, and LL did all the decorating. Other than Sh, who had plans that evening, we all headed back to the streamer and balloon filled house. P did really well on the gift front. Underwear with Jesus on the butt, a fisting pen, a whip, Reeces Peanut butter cups, books, CD's. He raked it in.

Saturday was good for me also. i actually spent time with everyone. i didn't back out. i enjoyed being around everyone again. Yes it helped that i wasn't the only single person there. That actually helped a lot. i feel weird being around people that are couples sometimes. i end up feeling lonely. Saturday i didn't. i did have a bit of an issue being surrounded by so many Doms. i almost asked if i could have a smoke. It was also comforting being around that many Doms. There was a feeling of peace inside me i miss. i easily would have curled up at K's feet, or L's. P's feet were covered by LL and E.

Sunday was also nice. i picked up the MIT and we went and spent more of His birthday money. He got a new game for His Nintendo DS, and a new CD. It was nice being with Him. Unfortunately, He is also sick. We ended up spending all day today together, and will again tomorrow. Still, with Him being sick, He is quite cuddly and easy going. Once He starts to feel better, He will be more difficult to get along with. That will be my cue to send Him back to school.

Tonight, the MIT is already in bed, and i am soon to follow. It is too cold to sit outside and read. Maybe tomorrow night will be better. Then again, i can always start a little fire in my BBQ. Hmmmm, which to do?

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Weekend off

Last night, there was no beeping. Last night was quiet and comfortable. Last night was all to myself. That is right, the MIT is away this weekend.

Today will be filled with slow moving. Today will be filled with no running around to do. All i have to do is be one place, and it is a place i will enjoy. Other than that, today is a lazy, do nothing, listen to whatever i want, no MIT asking what to do. Today is all about me lounging and being me.

P made it to His birthday. i didn't know exactly how much i was dreading the 17th, until i was able to call Him and wish Him a happy birthday on the phone on the 18th. Clouds lifted, and i was calm.

The MIT is....volatile. You never know what MIT you are going to get. He is taking His punishment like a man, with little to no arguing. Giving Him a choice of what chore to do, has been the best idea. He has actually been looking forward to it. It is weird. At least my patio furniture is clean, and so is my back yard. i wonder what to give him come Monday and Tuesday.

Well, breakfast has been eaten. Meds have been taken. Time to go and have a nice bath, and read in the tub i think. Once the sun is fully up, i will be sitting on my patio, reading and enjoying the quiet. A nice spring day to relax to.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008


i feel like i have something to write about, but can't put my finger on what exactly. It is like a post is brewing, but hasn't reached my conscious brain to actually become a reality.

Sunday would have been Mike's and my 7th Collaring anniversary. It would have also been our 8 1/2 year anniversary.

This time of year brings up lots of anniversaries and events. 7 years since the DSSG group started our monthly play parties. P's 50th birthday is coming up, on Saturday to be exact. Exactly one month prior to Mike's birthday, although Mike was older.

i seem a little lost in my brain today. Not depressed, but lost. Lost in memories. Lost in "what-ifs". Lost in "what-nows". Lost in what happens next.

i am still making plans to do more in the "community". i am going to the mixer again this month. i have made possible plans with L to go to an event. i have made possible plans with L&D to go to the craft fair. Making plans are good. Feeling lost in my brain, in memories, not such a good thing. i know, just go with the flow, and let myself feel, what i feel, when i feel it.

So this is me just going with the flow. Not knowing what my posts are actually going to be about, and just typing out stuff. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring, but making plans. Feeling what i feel, as i feel it, even if it isn't very pleasant.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

i need something sunny here

On Ostara, i transplanted all my house plants. i put them all in bigger pots. i separated some that lived in the same pot. i worked with the dirt and i was hoping to give them better life.

So far, all the plants are doing well. Really well. i am proud of their progress. my Christmas Cactus is growing new stuff. my ivy has new shoots all over the place. my violets are not flowering, but the greenery is doing much better. The one plant i was really worried about was my shamrock. It is a funny plant.

The shamrocks grow out of the pine cone like pods. When i transplanted it, i was worried i had killed it. It is over 17 years old. It has survived an infestation of fruit flies. It has survived my Dad and Sis not watering it. i can officially say it has survived the transplant. New growth abounds. New little 3 leaf shamrocks are growing from the dirt. It is doing really well.

Ok, that is my little bit of sunshine. A not so yucky post. i need that both here, and in my life.
Here is some of my sunshine :

Sunday, April 06, 2008

MIT's anger and abuse

my options are shrinking. As the MIT gets more and more violent to himself, and speaks more and more about killing Himself, i have, what it seems to be only two options.
  1. Try to keep Him as safe from Himself as possible, listen to Him, and console Him as best i can until the referral to a psychiatrist pans out
  2. The next time He starts to hurt Himself and talking about wanting to die, i call 911 and get Him to the hospital for emergency evaluation and drugs.
Two options. Only two. i am trying to do the first option. i am trying to protect Him from Himself. The problem is, He is progressing to making plans. He is starting to think about what He wants to do to Himself to die. That means the depression is worse. His hurting Himself is more creative, and getting worse. He managed to scrape the skin off His knuckles by rubbing His fist on the carpet as i was trying to keep Him from hitting Himself in the head. He is also doing that more. Beating on His own temple in anger.

His anger is more also. He comes home angry every day after school. He wakes up angry every day. He gets angry at the smallest thing. His anger is getting out of control. All i can do, is talk Him threw it. Wait for Him to calm down and stay out of His way, unless He starts to hurt Himself again.

i am loosing myself in His depression. i am loosing confidence in my ability to be a Mom. i am loosing confidence in being able to make Him happy. i am questioning every decision i have ever made. i am questioning every decision i am trying to make now.

i don't know how to handle this. If He is in need of drugs, then it means a hospital stay. One long enough to make sure that the drugs do not affect His AHC. i am going to have to battle to keep Him being Him, and not some zombie that is too drugged to think. i don't know if i have that in me. i know, selfish reasoning, but it is still there.

i want to wait it out. i want to wait for the help to arrive. i want to fix it for Him. i want to make Him believe in Himself as much as i believe in Him.

Thursday, April 03, 2008


i needed Tuesday night. i finally quit asking why, once i called P. He reminded me that why didn't matter. i needed that reminder. i needed to just feel, and to just go with the feelings, and let them come out. i had forgotten that. Sandy will be proud tomorrow. She will be proud i called a friend for help. She will be proud i eventually let go of the why. Heck, i am proud.

Yes i actually reached out for help. Yes i took the advice. For those, i am proud.

Other than that, today is a beautiful day. It is sunny out. It is 7 degrees outside. i am going to be cleaning up the back patio, and maybe the back garden. Man i really want a little gate on my patio so i can easily access my back yard. Oh well. That takes money i don't currently have. Heck, may never have. i have decided this year i am actually going to work on the garden part. i am actually going to put up "fencing" or a strong boarder around where i am putting the garden. i may only be able to do that, since money is so tight, but at least that will get done. i want my garden to be an oasis for me. Some place i want to spend lots of time and energy.

i am glad the sun and warmth is out. i need that too.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Why tonight?

Why am i missing Him so much tonight? Why are tears running down my face? Why tonight? There is no trigger. Nothing happened differently today. So why tonight? i feel so empty. i feel so alone. i miss Him so completely tonight. i want Him here. i want to be held by Him. i want to smell Him. i want to hear His voice. God i can't even remember what He sounded like. Why this rush of sadness? Why these tears? Why this panic that nothing will work out for me? Why this feeling that i will continue to be alone? i was His damn it. i belonged. i was owned. i was loved. i feel like nothing tonight. i feel empty and alone. i feel like no one will ever want me. i feel like i am set adrift without anyone to catch me. With Him, He would always catch me. There is no one to catch me. No one to want and desire me. No one will ever want me again. i am tainted because i was His. Not in a bad way, but He put on such a front for everyone, that He is hard to live up to. Even in my head. i want Him here so badly. i want to feel His arms around me. i don't want to sleep alone anymore. i don't want to be alone anymore. God i want Him back. i want His collar. i want His love. i want Him. i need Him. But why tonight? Why all this emotion tonight? i just don't understand. i don't know why tonight.

MIT's birthday

Well, yesterday was officially the MIT's birthday. It started out good, but went down hill from there. See, birthdays mean change. Change and the MIT don't get along. He like routine and predictability. Changing ages is a change. Having a special day, like a birthday is a change in routine. The other problem, is He just turned 16. Usually that means the prospect of a driver's license. Not for the MIT, and He knows it. So really, this birthday is more a let down for Him, than a celebration. So keeping all that in mind, you can predict some of what happened.

First was His waking up to me singing. He didn't like that. Then there was my Sis showing up singing to Him. We kept the rest of His routine normal. No point upsetting the basket anymore than it had to be. He came home in a mood though.

He was mad that everyone said "happy birthday" to Him. He was mad that His EA's wrote "happy birthday" in His communication book. He was mad it was His birthday. He was mad that things weren't normal. He didn't want dinner. He didn't eat all His lunch. He didn't want to sit in the living room. He did what He is allowed to do, when He is upset. He went to His room and watched some of His new movies and calmed down.

While He was doing that, i kept up my end of His birthday celebration. i ordered in Swiss Chalet. i made sure He knew i was doing so. i let Him take His time in calming down. i ate dinner alone after asking Him if that was ok. i made sure there was dinner for Him when He was ready.

It took until 6:30 before He emerged from His room. He came and cuddled with me and we got to talking about what was happening at that time 16 years ago. We talked about how long it took me to go into labour. We talked about when i was rushed into surgery. We talked about how He didn't want to be born and they had to pull Him out of me. He really liked hearing that. We called my parents to find out, from them, what they were doing at that time. He got to hear all about that day 16 years ago. We even looked threw His baby book together. At 7:20, we were watching Charmed, and He saw His watch and said "I am born now". It was really cute.

This morning was much better. This morning was back to His normal. No surprises. No changes. Same old, same old. He likes that much better.

i am just glad He made it to 16. Hopefully we have a few more birthdays left.

Spring is here?

Today feels like spring. It rained this morning, and is calling for more rain later, but right now it is sunny and 14. i have shovelled the last of the snow and dead leaves from my back patio. i have as many windows open that i can. There is the smell of rotting leaves and wet grass floating into my house. Some would say it is a yucky smell, but after so much snow, it smells great.

Yes i know, there is snow in the forcast, but right now it is spring.