Normally, I do up a sort of recount of my resolutions from last year, and list new ones. I am not going to do that this year. There is too much going on. There is too much in my head right now to even think about it.
My Godfather/Uncle died on the 28th. His funeral is on the 3rd. I am sad and full of regret. I have learned that regret and guilt are two different emotions. Regret I can handle. Guilt, leads to shame and I don't want/need that.
I have actually decided to go out tonight to a house party to hear a friend play with his band. This will be the first NYE I have ever gone "out" to. Yes I spent NYE with E, P, C, T, and D a few years ago, but no getting drunk and hitting on young men that year. It was a stay in the house kind of event. This year is different. Oh yeah, and I am getting dressed for it. Fancy top, and new jeans. I am going to show off my new size. I am going to show off my boobs. I am actually looking forward to this. What to wear is laid out. Schedule has been made up so I do not forget to do anything. I will actually be wearing a bit of makeup to this thing.
I am going to be jumping in with both feet, to distract myself from what will be happening on Sunday and Mondays. This is called Opposite Emotion. Yes, another DBT thingy.
Next year is all about learning more about emotions, DBT thingies, not binging (and loosing weight because of it), not drinking to much, and just being healthier in mind and body.
Happy New Years to all.
Showing posts with label Positive thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Positive thoughts. Show all posts
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Life goes on
Yesterday, I drove Joseph part way to the bus station, before he pissed me off even more, because he lied to me again.
Last weekend, I caught Joseph in a really big lie. Money related, manipulative, bald face lie. I gave him another chance. Saturday, he lied again. It was a stupid, little lie, but still a lie. One that cost me money again. Was totally disrespectful. I realized he wasn't worth my respect, time, love or anything. I told him to put on his shoes and that he was going home. On the way to the bus station, he said that it was my fault that TJ was going to be upset. That I was causing TJ pain because I was breaking up with Joseph. That was when I pulled over and kicked him out of the car, and didn't care how he got home at that point.
Today, I am proud of myself. I stood up for myself. I decided I deserve more than being lied to. I decided I deserve more than just someone who says they love me, verses someone that shows me they love and respect me. That is how much I have come to love myself. How much I like myself.
I cooked up a bunch of meat, and now have meals ready for over a week. I did go out and buy a cake, but came home and threw it out before having any. (Yay to not doing maladaptive behaviour!!!) I have gotten down to almost what I weighed when I got out of hospital back in March. I am going to keep going that way. It makes my back feel better when I am lighter. That and the prepared meals, and I am good to go.
I am proud of myself. I am happy. I don't need anyone else in my life, and am not going to look for it anymore. If someone falls into my lap, and they treat me the way I deserve, than maybe I will consider it. Until then, I am holding my head high.
Last weekend, I caught Joseph in a really big lie. Money related, manipulative, bald face lie. I gave him another chance. Saturday, he lied again. It was a stupid, little lie, but still a lie. One that cost me money again. Was totally disrespectful. I realized he wasn't worth my respect, time, love or anything. I told him to put on his shoes and that he was going home. On the way to the bus station, he said that it was my fault that TJ was going to be upset. That I was causing TJ pain because I was breaking up with Joseph. That was when I pulled over and kicked him out of the car, and didn't care how he got home at that point.
Today, I am proud of myself. I stood up for myself. I decided I deserve more than being lied to. I decided I deserve more than just someone who says they love me, verses someone that shows me they love and respect me. That is how much I have come to love myself. How much I like myself.
I cooked up a bunch of meat, and now have meals ready for over a week. I did go out and buy a cake, but came home and threw it out before having any. (Yay to not doing maladaptive behaviour!!!) I have gotten down to almost what I weighed when I got out of hospital back in March. I am going to keep going that way. It makes my back feel better when I am lighter. That and the prepared meals, and I am good to go.
I am proud of myself. I am happy. I don't need anyone else in my life, and am not going to look for it anymore. If someone falls into my lap, and they treat me the way I deserve, than maybe I will consider it. Until then, I am holding my head high.
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
New Therapist
Today I met Karen. She might become my new DBT therapist. Right now we are "dating" to see if we are a good fit.
I like her. She is not full of bullshit. She is upfront of what she expects of me. She is upfront of what she can not tolerate. She is upfront with what we are going to be working on, and how we are to communicate. She is also someone with a great sense of humour.
I know there will be times when I will hate her. I know there will be times I won't want to see her. I know that the commitment I am going to be making to the DBT therapy is a big one. I know I can make that commitment. I have already made a commitment to her. I will never again show up on more medication than I have been prescribed.
Yes I did show up today with an extra Percocet in my system, and I was honest about it. I will never do that again. She wants to meet the real me, not the drugged me. No matter how much I want to justify that the extra drug actually shows the real me, it isn't true.
So, I have committed to doing the therapy. I have committed to showing up without any "extra" help. For now, I will continue with both Karen and Sandy, until Karen's schedule and client list can accommodate me. Then, I will only be seeing Karen for a year, plus a little few months of supportive therapy, while I move back to being Sandy's client again.
I like this plan.
I like her. She is not full of bullshit. She is upfront of what she expects of me. She is upfront of what she can not tolerate. She is upfront with what we are going to be working on, and how we are to communicate. She is also someone with a great sense of humour.
I know there will be times when I will hate her. I know there will be times I won't want to see her. I know that the commitment I am going to be making to the DBT therapy is a big one. I know I can make that commitment. I have already made a commitment to her. I will never again show up on more medication than I have been prescribed.
Yes I did show up today with an extra Percocet in my system, and I was honest about it. I will never do that again. She wants to meet the real me, not the drugged me. No matter how much I want to justify that the extra drug actually shows the real me, it isn't true.
So, I have committed to doing the therapy. I have committed to showing up without any "extra" help. For now, I will continue with both Karen and Sandy, until Karen's schedule and client list can accommodate me. Then, I will only be seeing Karen for a year, plus a little few months of supportive therapy, while I move back to being Sandy's client again.
I like this plan.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Happy Early Morning
He is asleep in my bed. I am up because of heartburn. I am too happy to go to sleep. I am just plain happy.
I got a late anniversary gift on Friday. It is a ring. A simple silver band. Some might call it a wedding band, as that is its style. He says it is a "for right now" ring. For me, it is so much. For the two of us, it is a promise. Not of marriage. Not of moving in together. A promise to take one day at a time, and hope it turns into a lifetime.
He calls me BooBoo or Honey Boo or just plain Baby. I call him Shnookums or Nemo. I have never called someone by a pet name before. Well, not unless you call Sir or Master a pet name.
This weekend, we have gone to St. Jacobs and got smoked pork chops. We BBQ together. We played Crazy Eights. We played Rummy. We watched some golf. We sat outside on the back patio and talked and had dinner. We snuggled on the couch with no noise. We did dishes together. We had sex. Lots and lots of sex. We talked about how it isn't all about him, and how it isn't all about me. We talked about how it is about us. We talked silly. We talked serious. We sat in silence. He napped and I read. We have done a lot with very little.
Neither of us want him to leave tonight. That isn't a choice right now. Not until he meets the MIT. He isn't ready for that. He wants us to be very solid before that happens. I agree with him. The MIT is getting used to the idea. He isn't liking it to much, but he is getting used to it. He is getting used to the idea that I have someone in my life. He doesn't like it very much. He wants me all to himself, but is getting used to the idea that Mom has a boyfriend.
I am happy. I am in love. I feel safe around Joseph. I feel special with Joseph. He worries about me eating, so he cooks for me. He worries about my taking my meds, and will sometimes remind me. He worries I don't eat well when he isn't here. He smiles when he is here. He can't stay in a bad Toronto mood very long after he gets here. He can be so goofy at times. I love him.
So welcome to a new chapter in my travels. I have woken up, and am moving forward. I am enjoying this leg of my journey.
I got a late anniversary gift on Friday. It is a ring. A simple silver band. Some might call it a wedding band, as that is its style. He says it is a "for right now" ring. For me, it is so much. For the two of us, it is a promise. Not of marriage. Not of moving in together. A promise to take one day at a time, and hope it turns into a lifetime.
He calls me BooBoo or Honey Boo or just plain Baby. I call him Shnookums or Nemo. I have never called someone by a pet name before. Well, not unless you call Sir or Master a pet name.
This weekend, we have gone to St. Jacobs and got smoked pork chops. We BBQ together. We played Crazy Eights. We played Rummy. We watched some golf. We sat outside on the back patio and talked and had dinner. We snuggled on the couch with no noise. We did dishes together. We had sex. Lots and lots of sex. We talked about how it isn't all about him, and how it isn't all about me. We talked about how it is about us. We talked silly. We talked serious. We sat in silence. He napped and I read. We have done a lot with very little.
Neither of us want him to leave tonight. That isn't a choice right now. Not until he meets the MIT. He isn't ready for that. He wants us to be very solid before that happens. I agree with him. The MIT is getting used to the idea. He isn't liking it to much, but he is getting used to it. He is getting used to the idea that I have someone in my life. He doesn't like it very much. He wants me all to himself, but is getting used to the idea that Mom has a boyfriend.
I am happy. I am in love. I feel safe around Joseph. I feel special with Joseph. He worries about me eating, so he cooks for me. He worries about my taking my meds, and will sometimes remind me. He worries I don't eat well when he isn't here. He smiles when he is here. He can't stay in a bad Toronto mood very long after he gets here. He can be so goofy at times. I love him.
So welcome to a new chapter in my travels. I have woken up, and am moving forward. I am enjoying this leg of my journey.
Sunday, March 07, 2010
Away and hiding (medically hiding)
So my symptoms made it impossible for me to take care of myself. The doctor finally got me to agree to go to the hospital. That is where i have been since Feb. 1st.
First was 2 weeks at the General. They ruled out stroke, MS, brain issues, and spinal inflammation. All good to know, because any of those would have meant not being able to get better. They determined it was something called "Conversion"
Conversion is when your body manifests emotional issues. Take for the example that i have been saying no to going into the hospital for my emotional issues for quite some time. my brain finally said "screw you, you have to go get help". So, off i go to St. Joe's for some intensive therapy.
i went in to St. Joe's without being able to walk, use my arm, feel anything on my left side, and not being able to see out of my left eye, or hear out of my left ear. Tomorrow i get discharged. i can now walk, hear, see, feel the keys beneath my fingers, feel pain, hot and cold, and act like a normal person. i also know i have certain things i need to work on.
i am taking something called DBT. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It is a new way of thinking about what to do during crisis, and then taking the time to feel the emotions later. They teach mindfulness, wise mind, and ways of handling situations without avoiding them. Of course this type of behaviour therapy counts a lot on lessening stresses. Things like getting more sleep is a big one. Taking the time to feel is also a big one for me.
So far so good though. Last weekend was full of panic. This weekend, i only got panicked going to get groceries. People asking me a lot of questions is also a stresses. So is to much noise. i have the techniques to deal with these as they happen. Playing my ipod while i shopped. Taking someone with me while i shopped. Deep breathing, counting to 10 while staring at cans of soup as if i was choosing one. All ways i was able to complete my shopping and not freak out totally.
While in hospital, i had a bonus reaction. my blood sugars are under control. i just have to not fall on old habits, like eating when i am stressed, and they will stay that way.
my biggest issue to deal with is something called Radical Acceptance. It is when you deal with the pain of the reality of a situation, so you don't "wallow" in it, and the suffering of it can go away. That brought up a lot of issues surrounding Mike, TJ, and the death of others i know and am close to.
i know i am not "fixed", but i have the tools to help.
Oh, and i met quite a few "interesting" people at St. Joe's. The staff were great. my favourite nurses were Barb, Pam, Danielle, George, Steve, and Alissandra, just to name a few. The food lady (some call the "Soup Nazi") Jane was wonderful. i actually made friends with one patient. Penny. She reminds me of E. She can listen, not pass judgement, and not try to fix me, just as i can listen to her in the same way. Paul was a blessing. Michael was interesting. Crystal who i hope gets better soon. Ester who needs to find her big voice. Catherine who went to a group home and i hope learns how to share the TV.
Then there are those i am glad to be away from. Cole (who can't learn how to shut up), Christy (who believes the cops are out to get her), Maurine (who makes up being sick at the drop of a hat...she even believed she had something called Tommy Hilfiger disease), and old lady Patricia (doesn't know how to shut up if her life depended on it).
Tomorrow i get discharged. i am scared. i am worried. i am excited. i am nervous. i am ready. i worry about taking back the burden of caring for my son, and experiencing feelings again.
First was 2 weeks at the General. They ruled out stroke, MS, brain issues, and spinal inflammation. All good to know, because any of those would have meant not being able to get better. They determined it was something called "Conversion"
Conversion is when your body manifests emotional issues. Take for the example that i have been saying no to going into the hospital for my emotional issues for quite some time. my brain finally said "screw you, you have to go get help". So, off i go to St. Joe's for some intensive therapy.
i went in to St. Joe's without being able to walk, use my arm, feel anything on my left side, and not being able to see out of my left eye, or hear out of my left ear. Tomorrow i get discharged. i can now walk, hear, see, feel the keys beneath my fingers, feel pain, hot and cold, and act like a normal person. i also know i have certain things i need to work on.
i am taking something called DBT. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It is a new way of thinking about what to do during crisis, and then taking the time to feel the emotions later. They teach mindfulness, wise mind, and ways of handling situations without avoiding them. Of course this type of behaviour therapy counts a lot on lessening stresses. Things like getting more sleep is a big one. Taking the time to feel is also a big one for me.
So far so good though. Last weekend was full of panic. This weekend, i only got panicked going to get groceries. People asking me a lot of questions is also a stresses. So is to much noise. i have the techniques to deal with these as they happen. Playing my ipod while i shopped. Taking someone with me while i shopped. Deep breathing, counting to 10 while staring at cans of soup as if i was choosing one. All ways i was able to complete my shopping and not freak out totally.
While in hospital, i had a bonus reaction. my blood sugars are under control. i just have to not fall on old habits, like eating when i am stressed, and they will stay that way.
my biggest issue to deal with is something called Radical Acceptance. It is when you deal with the pain of the reality of a situation, so you don't "wallow" in it, and the suffering of it can go away. That brought up a lot of issues surrounding Mike, TJ, and the death of others i know and am close to.
i know i am not "fixed", but i have the tools to help.
Oh, and i met quite a few "interesting" people at St. Joe's. The staff were great. my favourite nurses were Barb, Pam, Danielle, George, Steve, and Alissandra, just to name a few. The food lady (some call the "Soup Nazi") Jane was wonderful. i actually made friends with one patient. Penny. She reminds me of E. She can listen, not pass judgement, and not try to fix me, just as i can listen to her in the same way. Paul was a blessing. Michael was interesting. Crystal who i hope gets better soon. Ester who needs to find her big voice. Catherine who went to a group home and i hope learns how to share the TV.
Then there are those i am glad to be away from. Cole (who can't learn how to shut up), Christy (who believes the cops are out to get her), Maurine (who makes up being sick at the drop of a hat...she even believed she had something called Tommy Hilfiger disease), and old lady Patricia (doesn't know how to shut up if her life depended on it).
Tomorrow i get discharged. i am scared. i am worried. i am excited. i am nervous. i am ready. i worry about taking back the burden of caring for my son, and experiencing feelings again.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
And again
i am so relaxed and rejuvenated. i am at peace. i am enjoying the quiet and the dark, in my own home.
Yes, again i took myself camping. i was there for two nights this time. Godds it was great. Birds fluttering over birdseed. Squirrels chasing each other over nuggets of biscuits. Even raccoons coming right up to me at 8pm, not scared of me at all (i was scared of those spooky guys though). Again, i did nothing. No reading. No colouring. No going for long walks. i did go for a short walk and collected pine cones, but that was it.
i talked to the animals. i talked to My Baby Bear. Most of all, i sat, listened, and enjoyed the fire and being alone.
i have found the thing to do when the MIT is at Rygiel and i have no other plans.
i have also figured out what i am getting everyone on my gift list this year. i haven't gone out and gotten any of the stuff, but at least i know what it is i am getting and what it will cost me. That is a big worry out of my life. Holidays can be so stressful. i also know my schedule (most of it) for December. i know when Tree Day, Trifle day, Yule, Christmas, Last Day of School, and appointments are. i also know when some birthdays are and have figured out what those people get. i even know when i might be going camping again.
Shopping will be a breeze this year. Knowing when and how i am going to relax is calming.
i am actually excited this year.
Camping photos:
Monday, November 09, 2009
Something for ME
i took myself camping this past Saturday. It was for one night, and i want to do it again. No MIT. No Dad. Just me. And, i want to do it for more than one night. i so want to do it this coming weekend.
i struggled a lot on Friday. i had wanted to go. i kept telling myself how easy it would be, and that yes it was time to go. i just couldn't muster up the desire enough to get myself moving. Saturday i still struggled. Yes i wanted to go, but i didn't want to move from the house. i didn't have the drive to go. With my Sis's help, i got moving, but even then, it wasn't like i had the gumption to actually leave and do it. It wasn't until i was actually driving there (well, even then i had second thoughts) that i got comfortable with the idea of leaving my house to do it.
i really am glad i went. i slept in the van. i had the propane stove for tea. i brought easy food (lunch meats and buns) so i didn't have a lot of dishes. i took wood (always take more than you think you will need, because you will always need more). i was all set. i didn't even read. i just sat in my chair, and stared at the fire. Oh, and i talked to my Baby Bear, so people stayed clear of me. LOL.
Sure there are things i forgot. There are even things i have thought of taking for next time. With camping there is always evolving. By changing the trip from one night to two, food concessions will have to be made. Maybe a better book to read, and some colouring supplies to be brought. Other than that, i think i have it pretty well planned out. i could even decide what a person is getting for Yule, and start working on it (knitting, crafty, whatever).
i want to do it this weekend. Yes it will be colder, but i have solutions to that. Burning a tea light inside the van to warm it up works great. Staying 2 nights would be my dream. A friend even gave me an idea about a tarp over the van and out and across as a "shelter" to stay out of any rain or such. The MIT is gone this weekend, so yeah, i want to do it this weekend. But...
i have a million responsibilities. Going to the movies with E. Getting the MIT ready and dropped off at Rygiel. L wants me and E to go walking downtown TO. i have a doctor's appointment this week, a therapy appointment this week, and the van gets an oil change this week. All on different days. All needing my time.
i am going to fit in as much as i can, but i am going to go camping this weekend. Rain or no rain. i need this type of me time. (then again a fire pit for my backyard would be cheaper in the long run)
i struggled a lot on Friday. i had wanted to go. i kept telling myself how easy it would be, and that yes it was time to go. i just couldn't muster up the desire enough to get myself moving. Saturday i still struggled. Yes i wanted to go, but i didn't want to move from the house. i didn't have the drive to go. With my Sis's help, i got moving, but even then, it wasn't like i had the gumption to actually leave and do it. It wasn't until i was actually driving there (well, even then i had second thoughts) that i got comfortable with the idea of leaving my house to do it.
i really am glad i went. i slept in the van. i had the propane stove for tea. i brought easy food (lunch meats and buns) so i didn't have a lot of dishes. i took wood (always take more than you think you will need, because you will always need more). i was all set. i didn't even read. i just sat in my chair, and stared at the fire. Oh, and i talked to my Baby Bear, so people stayed clear of me. LOL.
Sure there are things i forgot. There are even things i have thought of taking for next time. With camping there is always evolving. By changing the trip from one night to two, food concessions will have to be made. Maybe a better book to read, and some colouring supplies to be brought. Other than that, i think i have it pretty well planned out. i could even decide what a person is getting for Yule, and start working on it (knitting, crafty, whatever).
i want to do it this weekend. Yes it will be colder, but i have solutions to that. Burning a tea light inside the van to warm it up works great. Staying 2 nights would be my dream. A friend even gave me an idea about a tarp over the van and out and across as a "shelter" to stay out of any rain or such. The MIT is gone this weekend, so yeah, i want to do it this weekend. But...
i have a million responsibilities. Going to the movies with E. Getting the MIT ready and dropped off at Rygiel. L wants me and E to go walking downtown TO. i have a doctor's appointment this week, a therapy appointment this week, and the van gets an oil change this week. All on different days. All needing my time.
i am going to fit in as much as i can, but i am going to go camping this weekend. Rain or no rain. i need this type of me time. (then again a fire pit for my backyard would be cheaper in the long run)
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Sick, and other stuff
The MIT has been sick since we returned from camping. i sent Him to school on the Monday and the Tuesday, but then He was getting worse, so i have kept Him home since. He was much better on Friday, before He went to Rygiel, but came home sicker (is that a real word?). Usually He arrives at Rygiel perfectly well and comes home sick. i thought maybe it would work the opposite way this time, but i was wrong. So here i sit. Home with the MIT. Sick, myself. At least we got the all clear from the doctor saying it is just a cold.
i have decided to be a role model for my Dad. i have got to get back on the horse in keeping my blood sugars normal. Got to. How can i tell my Dad what to do, when i am doing the complete opposite? Yesterday was grocery shopping, and i have so much healthy food in the house, it is ridiculous. Yes there are treats for the MIT, but i am going to make myself stay away from them. i even have yogurt for me for my night time snack. Raspberry and dragon fruit is yummy. Today i was good and actually had breakfast. Egg and toast. Maybe if i eat all day (portion sizes and stuff) i won't feel so famished at night. That is a huge goal for me. i am even putting up my little post-it notes in the kitchen and around the house. "Eat breakfast", " Lunch at 1:00", "No snacking after 9:00", and my favourite "Follow YOUR plan!!!". Adding to all this, the keeping up on taking my meds (when i have them) and making sure i always have them. Plus there is the checking of the blood sugars. Time to kick it up a notch. i may even join the Y and get some exercise in. That would be a big help. There are some programs i am interested in. i just need to try them, so i can actually see if i can do them. This is where my Sis's membership will come in handy. She can let me join a few classes for a free trial before i decide what it is i want to participate in.
i am missing Thistle. She was cute and calming to me. i could just sit and hold her for hours. i want a hedgehog so badly. i have made a deal with my Sis, that once i am approved for ODSP, i can get one. i am going to get a male and E and i are going to breed them. Mine will be registered, so that can add to the value of the babies. i just have to find a registered breeder, and get the supplies, and then off we can go. Some research is involved, but i am up for it. Who knows, i may just end up with a clan of them.
i have decided to be a role model for my Dad. i have got to get back on the horse in keeping my blood sugars normal. Got to. How can i tell my Dad what to do, when i am doing the complete opposite? Yesterday was grocery shopping, and i have so much healthy food in the house, it is ridiculous. Yes there are treats for the MIT, but i am going to make myself stay away from them. i even have yogurt for me for my night time snack. Raspberry and dragon fruit is yummy. Today i was good and actually had breakfast. Egg and toast. Maybe if i eat all day (portion sizes and stuff) i won't feel so famished at night. That is a huge goal for me. i am even putting up my little post-it notes in the kitchen and around the house. "Eat breakfast", " Lunch at 1:00", "No snacking after 9:00", and my favourite "Follow YOUR plan!!!". Adding to all this, the keeping up on taking my meds (when i have them) and making sure i always have them. Plus there is the checking of the blood sugars. Time to kick it up a notch. i may even join the Y and get some exercise in. That would be a big help. There are some programs i am interested in. i just need to try them, so i can actually see if i can do them. This is where my Sis's membership will come in handy. She can let me join a few classes for a free trial before i decide what it is i want to participate in.
i am missing Thistle. She was cute and calming to me. i could just sit and hold her for hours. i want a hedgehog so badly. i have made a deal with my Sis, that once i am approved for ODSP, i can get one. i am going to get a male and E and i are going to breed them. Mine will be registered, so that can add to the value of the babies. i just have to find a registered breeder, and get the supplies, and then off we can go. Some research is involved, but i am up for it. Who knows, i may just end up with a clan of them.
L and i have reconnected. i am not going to let that friendship go. i will be emailing her, or calling her once a week. Same as i do with P. They can be so controlling LOL. That is partly why i love them both. It is nice and comforting to have my family back together. Now to get us all back in the same room at the same time.
Today is forms and deadlines. i have my "income assessment" for my housing to hand in today. i have meds to pickup. i have my gas bill to hand into OW to increase my check (they took off $100 because of my van). The increase will only be about $20, but everything helps.
Wow, this bdsm journal sure has nothing to do with bdsm. It hasn't for a while. Then again, that is where my life is right now. BDMS, not a priority. Getting my life somewhat normal is. You can't give over control of something you don't already have control over. That is what i am working on. Getting control of my life (where i can) so that when i find One that can handle me (LOL), i have my life under enough control, that giving over some of it, is a true symbol of my submission.
Well, time to go to the drug store, and then home to take meds.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Today
Today i am going to sleep. i am going to get as much sleep as possible.
Today i am going to cook Beef in Red Wine Sauce with egg noodles, plus ceasar salad.
Today i am going to remain calm and relaxed.
Today i am going to finish reading a book.
Today i am going to enjoy the MIT going to my parent's house.
Today i am going to pick a time to go camping with the MIT and my Dad.
Today i have a bit of a plan.
Today i will try to stick to it.
Today i am going to cook Beef in Red Wine Sauce with egg noodles, plus ceasar salad.
Today i am going to remain calm and relaxed.
Today i am going to finish reading a book.
Today i am going to enjoy the MIT going to my parent's house.
Today i am going to pick a time to go camping with the MIT and my Dad.
Today i have a bit of a plan.
Today i will try to stick to it.
So much to say?
There is so much to say right now. i am going to try to keep on topic in each paragraph, but i can't promise that is going to happen.
The MIT is deteriorating still. He is loosing milestones still. His balance is way off. He falls more. He gets hurt more often. He hardly has good days. Most days He only has one side that works. At least 2 days a week are full blown and hard. He knows His body is against Him. It is hard watching Him be so aware that He is doing worse physically. He gets so frustrated. i can totally understand why. Going outside or even going to get groceries is taxing on His body. He would much rather sit on the couch, loose sides and be comfortable. At least that way He knows He is safe from getting hurt. It is sad watching my active and karate kid not want to do anything. At least we still do cuddles and have started paper ball fights. That brings smiles to His face.
People i called friends, have been having a difficult time of things lately. i feel sorry for them. i feel their grief. i feel their torment. i had wished they would be a couple that would make it. It doesn't look like that would happen. Yes i have been keeping tabs on them. They were such a big part of my life for a long time. i no longer hold hard feelings for them. i actually miss Her. i wish she would let me back in Her life. i will not push it. It is up to Her. i always loved to serve Her. To be in Her presence. She brought out a side of me that i have lost. Maybe out paths will cross again. Maybe they won't. Whatever happens in the future, i hope She knows that i am here for Her. When She is ready.
Now on to me. i am a still a screwed-up, depressed version of me, but that side has always been there. i go to therapy every 1-2 weeks. i am on plenty of medications to treat the depression and anxiety. i talk of my feelings openly to my therapist. i don't hide how i feel with her anymore. i don't deflect as much. i know she can't fix that part of me. Heck, i can't fix that part of me. All i or she can do is help me manage it. She can help me express my feelings over the MIT and the changes He is going through. She lets me bounce ideas off her. She lets me come to decisions on my own.
i have found myself much calmer since making a major decision.
i am no longer looking for the elusive Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress that likes someone that is experienced, knows her limits and is happy to explore them with someone she knows. i am no longer on any of the "searching" sites. No profile on Collarme, Bondage, or Alt. There isn't any point. All the Tops that are searching seem to be looking for someone that is new and young and skinny. It isn't me. i am experienced. i am confident in my abilities. i am not into plain kinky sex. i need more than that. i need someone that would be comfortable in the "dating before playing" to get to know someone. i need someone that is confident in their selves enough to know that an older woman is still a precious commodity. i need someone that understands i may be a little broken, but am putting the pieces together myself. So i came to the decision that i don't need it. i don't need the constant looking. i don't need the "kneel now" emails. i don't need the people looking for kinky sex. i don't need to look. i am comfortable in just being. i have gone so far as to put all the toys away. They are in Mike's old suitcase. They are available, but not in use. They are away, along with that side of me that craves the pain and submission. It wasn't an easy decision, but one that has brought me peace.
With this transformation, i have acquired 2 things on my body. A cutting of Mike's initials, and a tattoo. The cutting is a reminder that His influence on me will never leave. It is a sign of how much of who i am now, is because of Him. It is also a symbol of that piece of me that is still missing. The tattoo is another reminder. It is of a locket, like the one Mike gave me as my daily collar, with His leather collar around the bottom, and our favourite whip (Raven's Kiss) trailing behind. It is beautiful. It is a symbol of who i was, who i am, and who i can be again.
In a way, i feel like i have awaken. i have found a comfortable spot in the universe for me. Sure it isn't where i pictured i would be in 2009, but it is where i am. i am Mom. i am not slave, submissive, or someone's. i am me.
The MIT is deteriorating still. He is loosing milestones still. His balance is way off. He falls more. He gets hurt more often. He hardly has good days. Most days He only has one side that works. At least 2 days a week are full blown and hard. He knows His body is against Him. It is hard watching Him be so aware that He is doing worse physically. He gets so frustrated. i can totally understand why. Going outside or even going to get groceries is taxing on His body. He would much rather sit on the couch, loose sides and be comfortable. At least that way He knows He is safe from getting hurt. It is sad watching my active and karate kid not want to do anything. At least we still do cuddles and have started paper ball fights. That brings smiles to His face.
People i called friends, have been having a difficult time of things lately. i feel sorry for them. i feel their grief. i feel their torment. i had wished they would be a couple that would make it. It doesn't look like that would happen. Yes i have been keeping tabs on them. They were such a big part of my life for a long time. i no longer hold hard feelings for them. i actually miss Her. i wish she would let me back in Her life. i will not push it. It is up to Her. i always loved to serve Her. To be in Her presence. She brought out a side of me that i have lost. Maybe out paths will cross again. Maybe they won't. Whatever happens in the future, i hope She knows that i am here for Her. When She is ready.
Now on to me. i am a still a screwed-up, depressed version of me, but that side has always been there. i go to therapy every 1-2 weeks. i am on plenty of medications to treat the depression and anxiety. i talk of my feelings openly to my therapist. i don't hide how i feel with her anymore. i don't deflect as much. i know she can't fix that part of me. Heck, i can't fix that part of me. All i or she can do is help me manage it. She can help me express my feelings over the MIT and the changes He is going through. She lets me bounce ideas off her. She lets me come to decisions on my own.
i have found myself much calmer since making a major decision.
i am no longer looking for the elusive Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress that likes someone that is experienced, knows her limits and is happy to explore them with someone she knows. i am no longer on any of the "searching" sites. No profile on Collarme, Bondage, or Alt. There isn't any point. All the Tops that are searching seem to be looking for someone that is new and young and skinny. It isn't me. i am experienced. i am confident in my abilities. i am not into plain kinky sex. i need more than that. i need someone that would be comfortable in the "dating before playing" to get to know someone. i need someone that is confident in their selves enough to know that an older woman is still a precious commodity. i need someone that understands i may be a little broken, but am putting the pieces together myself. So i came to the decision that i don't need it. i don't need the constant looking. i don't need the "kneel now" emails. i don't need the people looking for kinky sex. i don't need to look. i am comfortable in just being. i have gone so far as to put all the toys away. They are in Mike's old suitcase. They are available, but not in use. They are away, along with that side of me that craves the pain and submission. It wasn't an easy decision, but one that has brought me peace.
With this transformation, i have acquired 2 things on my body. A cutting of Mike's initials, and a tattoo. The cutting is a reminder that His influence on me will never leave. It is a sign of how much of who i am now, is because of Him. It is also a symbol of that piece of me that is still missing. The tattoo is another reminder. It is of a locket, like the one Mike gave me as my daily collar, with His leather collar around the bottom, and our favourite whip (Raven's Kiss) trailing behind. It is beautiful. It is a symbol of who i was, who i am, and who i can be again.
In a way, i feel like i have awaken. i have found a comfortable spot in the universe for me. Sure it isn't where i pictured i would be in 2009, but it is where i am. i am Mom. i am not slave, submissive, or someone's. i am me.
Oh, here is a pic of my tattoo the day it was done.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
And it keeps going
The spotting i mean. i went for my ultrasound and then the doctor's. Won't know the results until Monday or Tuesday. When i move or change position, i bleed again. i am getting frustrated. i want the pain and the bleeding to stop. i want to get "normal" again.
Still not smoking. It is amazing how my bank account is reflecting this. It is interesting not having to worry about running out of money for another week. i am really proud of myself. i am doing really well.
i am getting bored with the afghan. i want to make something more difficult. i want to make something to wear. i think. i will finish the afghan. i will finish it soon. i will be needing it when we go camping again. i am trying to convince everyone (meaning the MIT, and Dad) that we should go at the end of this month, or the middle of April for the first trip of this year. i also need to figure out when we have to book sites for the summer. i so want to go camping again. It will be different with not smoking. i will need stuff to do with my hands when the MIT and Dad are busy watching DVD's. i am glad i have more recipes in my arsenal now. It will make camping and meal eating more fun.
Etsy is still drawing my attention. Sometimes it inspires what i want to do next. Sometimes it makes me want to spend money. i have a list of favourite sellers and favourite items a mile long. And i keep going back. There are so many interesting "shops" there. i have favourite jewelery shops. i have favourite pottery shops. i even have favourite handmade purse shops. i don't really have favourite knitting shops, mainly because i can knit and like to knit, and if they are listed as one of my favourites, it is because i want to borrow their patterns or ideas.
Oh, big news. The MIT is going to be grading for His BROWN belt on the 14th. He is doing really well with it, and His teachers are being really positive and only making a few concessions for Him. He is even self advocating to do it. He knows when He can ask to test. He knows that He needs to work hard. i am really proud of Him. After brown, it is brown-stripe, red, red-stripe, black. His teachers are working really hard to get Him to black. They want it so bad for Him. i am proud of them all.
Ok, time to get ready to go out and get groceries with my Mom and Dad (still no driving allowed). Then home to make chili and store it, chicken noodle soup and store it, banana bread and store it, and apple crisp and store it. It is a keep busy day. i don't know what i am trying to hide from, but it is what baking and cooking help me do.
Still not smoking. It is amazing how my bank account is reflecting this. It is interesting not having to worry about running out of money for another week. i am really proud of myself. i am doing really well.
i am getting bored with the afghan. i want to make something more difficult. i want to make something to wear. i think. i will finish the afghan. i will finish it soon. i will be needing it when we go camping again. i am trying to convince everyone (meaning the MIT, and Dad) that we should go at the end of this month, or the middle of April for the first trip of this year. i also need to figure out when we have to book sites for the summer. i so want to go camping again. It will be different with not smoking. i will need stuff to do with my hands when the MIT and Dad are busy watching DVD's. i am glad i have more recipes in my arsenal now. It will make camping and meal eating more fun.
Etsy is still drawing my attention. Sometimes it inspires what i want to do next. Sometimes it makes me want to spend money. i have a list of favourite sellers and favourite items a mile long. And i keep going back. There are so many interesting "shops" there. i have favourite jewelery shops. i have favourite pottery shops. i even have favourite handmade purse shops. i don't really have favourite knitting shops, mainly because i can knit and like to knit, and if they are listed as one of my favourites, it is because i want to borrow their patterns or ideas.
Oh, big news. The MIT is going to be grading for His BROWN belt on the 14th. He is doing really well with it, and His teachers are being really positive and only making a few concessions for Him. He is even self advocating to do it. He knows when He can ask to test. He knows that He needs to work hard. i am really proud of Him. After brown, it is brown-stripe, red, red-stripe, black. His teachers are working really hard to get Him to black. They want it so bad for Him. i am proud of them all.
Ok, time to get ready to go out and get groceries with my Mom and Dad (still no driving allowed). Then home to make chili and store it, chicken noodle soup and store it, banana bread and store it, and apple crisp and store it. It is a keep busy day. i don't know what i am trying to hide from, but it is what baking and cooking help me do.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
And then....
i did go to my therapist and told her how i was feeling about my last appointment with her. She totally understood. We talked about it, realized that it hit her personally and that she wasn't completely professional that day. i forgave her. i understand that for a woman (and she is younger than myself) the subject of giving up on having kids can be difficult. No big deal.
Best part was that i told her how i felt. i didn't let the idea that i wouldn't be pleasing and was probably not going to be getting her approval didn't stop me. i am getting better at that. Same thing with asking my Mom and Dad and Sis for help. i don't mind if they say no to me. It isn't a personal attack if they do that. It doesn't mean i am a bad person if i speak up. i still struggle with this, but i am watching myself get better with it.
Saturday was a difficult day. i pushed one of the MIT's OCD buttons, and He ended up getting physical with me. This included 2 kicks (and not passive ones, but deliberate ones) to my gut. Once i had gotten Him all calmed down, and sitting on the couch with my Sis, i went into my room, collapsed on my bed and i went into shock. i called the doctor on-call, and was told to take pain killers and if they worked, not to worry. Well, i started spotting Monday. i couldn't push out the pee from my full bladder without pain and more effort than should be required. i called the doctor yesterday. She is going to be sending me for an ultrasound. i am seeing her on Friday and we will be doing a urine test. On top of that, i have instructions to follow.
No driving
i can no longer pick up a laundry basket
i need to ask someone to put a 12 pack of pop in the fridge for me
i can not push the MIT in His wheelchair
If the spotting increases, i am to call and get an appointment to be seen
If i can not go pee again, i am to call and get an immediate appointment
Drink lots of water (tea is ok, but not so much diet pepsi. i drink tea slower than pop)
If it hurts, don't do it
At least i am still not smoking. Today started week 3. The staff at the diabetic clinic are proud of me. my therapist is proud of me. my Sis's groups is proud of me. The MIT's nurse is actually proud of me (she was sure i wouldn't and couldn't do it past a day or two). Heck, i am very proud of me.
Today i am fascinated by Etsy. It is an interesting site. i am enjoying looking at the "stores" of those in my province, and even in my city. It is cool. Some of the things i am seeing, i want. Other stuff is giving me ideas. The great news is i have been sitting here, and not craving a smoke. Go me!
Oh yeah...i gave up Chinese food for Lent
Best part was that i told her how i felt. i didn't let the idea that i wouldn't be pleasing and was probably not going to be getting her approval didn't stop me. i am getting better at that. Same thing with asking my Mom and Dad and Sis for help. i don't mind if they say no to me. It isn't a personal attack if they do that. It doesn't mean i am a bad person if i speak up. i still struggle with this, but i am watching myself get better with it.
Saturday was a difficult day. i pushed one of the MIT's OCD buttons, and He ended up getting physical with me. This included 2 kicks (and not passive ones, but deliberate ones) to my gut. Once i had gotten Him all calmed down, and sitting on the couch with my Sis, i went into my room, collapsed on my bed and i went into shock. i called the doctor on-call, and was told to take pain killers and if they worked, not to worry. Well, i started spotting Monday. i couldn't push out the pee from my full bladder without pain and more effort than should be required. i called the doctor yesterday. She is going to be sending me for an ultrasound. i am seeing her on Friday and we will be doing a urine test. On top of that, i have instructions to follow.
No driving
i can no longer pick up a laundry basket
i need to ask someone to put a 12 pack of pop in the fridge for me
i can not push the MIT in His wheelchair
If the spotting increases, i am to call and get an appointment to be seen
If i can not go pee again, i am to call and get an immediate appointment
Drink lots of water (tea is ok, but not so much diet pepsi. i drink tea slower than pop)
If it hurts, don't do it
At least i am still not smoking. Today started week 3. The staff at the diabetic clinic are proud of me. my therapist is proud of me. my Sis's groups is proud of me. The MIT's nurse is actually proud of me (she was sure i wouldn't and couldn't do it past a day or two). Heck, i am very proud of me.
Today i am fascinated by Etsy. It is an interesting site. i am enjoying looking at the "stores" of those in my province, and even in my city. It is cool. Some of the things i am seeing, i want. Other stuff is giving me ideas. The great news is i have been sitting here, and not craving a smoke. Go me!
Oh yeah...i gave up Chinese food for Lent
Friday, February 27, 2009
One week since
It has been one week since my surgery. It has been one week since i decided to quit smoking. So here is what has been happening.
Surgery - it went really well. The doctor was able to reach my fallopian tubes and clip them. i am now not able to get pregnant. i no longer have to worry about a little egg getting fertilized. Now, when i miss months of periods, i don't have the worry about possibly being pregnant (in those times i actually have sex). The hole in my belly button is healing slowly. The hole above my c-section scare is well passed healed. i have bruising on my belly that would scare some sadists (not any i know but you get the idea). The doctor had said she sends most people back to work a week after the surgery. When i reminded her that my "work" includes lifting a 150 lb teenage boy, she said i should take 3 weeks. Like that is possible. He (the MIT) decided that the surgery was going to make me sweeter and nicer and not so mean. He realized that wasn't the case when i sent Him to bed at 8:00 because of bad behaviour. i think i have to stop letting Him watch so many dog programs.
Stopping smoking - It has been over a week without a smoke. my sense of smell is heightened (i can even smell the meds on the patches i put on every morning). my sense of taste is better. The cold i had left with in days. i have been knitting. i am almost 1/2 way done. i am making a Quaker Stitch afghan. See :
It is an interesting stitch. i am really enjoying it. i knit when i feel like having a smoke or even if i am just bored and am thinking of eating for no reason.
Today is therapy day. Today i get to tell Sandy that i actually had the surgery. i don't know why her trying to talk me out of it, or just talking about not having it done bothered me so much, but it did, and still does. Like i didn't think it out all the way? Like i will regret it at the age of 45 and want to try to have another child? Like i have the energy to have another child? There are way to many other options if i ever felt that way. Everything from fostering to adoption. Yup, it is still bothering me.
Today, i am also looking at my bank account. i didn't have to put out $100 for smokes last week. i didn't have to put out $100 this week for smokes. It is weird, and i don't trust it yet. i don't trust that i will not need the money for something serious or for something "just because".
OK, time to head off to shower and get ready for Sandy.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Quit day coming
i am officially prepared for quit day. i only smoke in one spot in the house, and the rest of the time it is outside. i have my gift to myself in celebration to quiting. i have the surgery to help keep smoking off my mind. i will have pain on Thursday to help keep smoking off my mind.
The gift to myself is the wool and needles i have bought myself today. i have picked out my first knitting project, and i have everything i need for it. i am so excited, i want to start today, but i am not going to do that. It is my treat for quiting smoking on Wednesday. That is how i am picturing it. The good thing for giving up the yucky thing.
Other treats i will be giving myself at certain intervals are books, special ingredients for recipes, and what i am going to be doing in the summer (plants i want, building planting beds). i may even put some towards clothes.
Really, right now, the idea of saving money (over $1600 per year, plus gas) isn't part of my thoughts of quiting smoking. i know i will probably be spending a lot of that money on knitting projects. i know that some of it will go to more books on things like hedgewitch and incense blends. i know other parts of it will be going to my new joy in cooking.
One thing the "smoking" money will not be going to is food treats. There isn't any point. i don't want to gain weight while i am quiting. That wouldn't be a good thing. So treats are reserved to bettering myself, bettering my environment, and bettering my wardrobe.
So yes, i am actually looking forward to my quit day. i am looking forward to not needing to get up out of this chair, or any place i am sitting, just to have a stinky smoke.
The gift to myself is the wool and needles i have bought myself today. i have picked out my first knitting project, and i have everything i need for it. i am so excited, i want to start today, but i am not going to do that. It is my treat for quiting smoking on Wednesday. That is how i am picturing it. The good thing for giving up the yucky thing.
Other treats i will be giving myself at certain intervals are books, special ingredients for recipes, and what i am going to be doing in the summer (plants i want, building planting beds). i may even put some towards clothes.
Really, right now, the idea of saving money (over $1600 per year, plus gas) isn't part of my thoughts of quiting smoking. i know i will probably be spending a lot of that money on knitting projects. i know that some of it will go to more books on things like hedgewitch and incense blends. i know other parts of it will be going to my new joy in cooking.
One thing the "smoking" money will not be going to is food treats. There isn't any point. i don't want to gain weight while i am quiting. That wouldn't be a good thing. So treats are reserved to bettering myself, bettering my environment, and bettering my wardrobe.
So yes, i am actually looking forward to my quit day. i am looking forward to not needing to get up out of this chair, or any place i am sitting, just to have a stinky smoke.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Quiting and Tubes
So, today i set a quit date. i picked the 25th of Feb. i then talked to my Dad and he suggested i join one of the many "free" quit smoking thingies. So i called. Suffice it to say, i am getting free patches, but my quit date is now the 18th of Feb. It doesn't scare me. i am not as enjoyed about smoking as i used to be. i am ready to quit.
i also got a call at 2:30. my gyno had a cancellation, so i am having my tubal ligation on the 18th of Feb. i have an appointment with her on the 12th, along with pre-op. Then on the 18th, i get to go to to the hospital on the 18th at 12:00, and then surgery at 2:30. It isn't a positive that it will work. See i am fat. The doctor isn't sure the instruments will be able to reach threw my fat and actually get to my tubes. So, i go in for surgery, but there is no guarantee that it will actually happen. At least the prospect is there.
So, i am now off to buy some smokes, then head over to P&E's with Beef and Barley soup.
i also got a call at 2:30. my gyno had a cancellation, so i am having my tubal ligation on the 18th of Feb. i have an appointment with her on the 12th, along with pre-op. Then on the 18th, i get to go to to the hospital on the 18th at 12:00, and then surgery at 2:30. It isn't a positive that it will work. See i am fat. The doctor isn't sure the instruments will be able to reach threw my fat and actually get to my tubes. So, i go in for surgery, but there is no guarantee that it will actually happen. At least the prospect is there.
So, i am now off to buy some smokes, then head over to P&E's with Beef and Barley soup.
Looking forward
Imbolc Altar Yesterday was Imbolc. i celebrated in my own unique style. i didn't start until after noon. i gathered white candles, and instead of having them in a circle on my altar, i put them all over the house. Sort of using my house as the altar. Sure i had the lt. green Goddes candle, and the lt. yellow God candle, the cauldron, the "right" crystals, the white flowers, and vanilla and cinnamon incense. i even had the "bon fire" set up in my bbq. i even served chicken with new herbed potatoes, and served pound cake with custard. (i don't have any pictures of the meal or fire. The MIT wouldn't let me take any)
Now, i look at Imbolc as the day for making resolutions and making wishes, instead of the "traditional" New Years. So here is what i am looking forward to doing as i look forward to the rest of the year.
- Getting a bird feeder, and keeping it filled year round. (i need to pick a great place, so my patio doesn't get all poopy, but so i can see the birds, especially during the winter, from my window.)
- Asking for more kitchen supplies to further my cooking crusade. (my birthday wish list shows just that)
- Promising myself to watch how my body feels when i eat properly, and laying off the ordering in (cheaper in the long run), and the eating of heavy or junk food snacks. (Yes i feel different when i do not eat the junk food or order in as much. i actually feel, normal.)
- Picking a quit date, and following through. (i know i need to quit smoking, and i am not enjoying it as much as i used to. It is a good time to do it, especially since i have friends doing the same thing. i will be consulting my doctor about this.)
- Knitting again. Blankets, pillows, scarves, hats, and even socks. (Knitting has helped me keep my hands busy when i have quit in the past. It is time to get back on it.)
- Not go looking for the love of a lover. (i have lots of love in my life. Sure a companion would be nice, but i am not going to settle for just anyone. i am not ready to go looking, and i am not ready to have a "special someone" in my life just yet.)
- Keep each Sabbath in my own way, honouring how i feel, and letting the MIT experience the two different "styles" of faith. (The MIT is Anglican)
i am picking Ash Wednesday, as my quit day. It holds significance to my son's faith, and seems like a good time to start. It will also allow me time to move away from such habits as smoking while on the computer, and changing where i smoke. This will give me a head start on quiting. This is something important to me. i have been holding on to this addiction for far too long.
So here is to the nurturing of promises, wishes, and fresh starts.
Monday, December 08, 2008
Thoughts and ponders
Back at the beginning of D's journey and battle, i didn't help out much. i knew that they needed time to be a family while they could. i knew their time together was important, and me stepping in, might be more of an imposition than a help. So i stood back. Yes i was there when they called and needed me. Even still, i sometimes felt guilty.
Logically, i couldn't help all that much. i have responsibilities that keep me from helping as much as i would have liked. Those haven't changed. Those still keep me away from helping out as much as i think i should be. Still, i am there when they call and need me.
Now, as things progress and worsen, i am there. This is a time i know i can help. This is a time i know how to help. i have experience with this because of the MIT. This is a time when D and her family need someone close by that can drop everything and just be there. That i am able to do right now. That i am willing to do right now.
i am able to take D out in her wheelchair without difficulty. i took her out shopping. i am able to just sit and wait and listen in small bursts. i am able to lift and not hurting myself. i am able to change clothes easily without D helping. i am able to do body transfers. i am able to make someone drink when they can't remember. i am able to just sit and count breaths and remind her to breath.
i have practice with all of this. This is what i do with the MIT. For me, it is "easy" to do. For D's family, it isn't. i have been doing this for 16 years. They are not used to this. They need to grieve as it happens. i have been doing this for 16 years. They need to step back to keep their sanity. i have been doing this for 16 years. They need to deal with nurses and doctors and volunteers. i have been doing this for 16 years.
i can hear my therapist now. i can hear her concern that i am putting to much of myself out there. i can hear her worry about how i am going to feel when this is all over. i can hear myself wonder how things will change once it is all over. i can hear her wonder when i will have time for myself. i can hear her wonder how much energy i will have left at the end of the day, week, month. But now, now is when i can help.
Now i know how to help. i offer my help freely, with no thought of anything in return. This is the best present they could have given me. Time to be with D and give them piece of mind while i am there. Now i don't feel so guilty.
Logically, i couldn't help all that much. i have responsibilities that keep me from helping as much as i would have liked. Those haven't changed. Those still keep me away from helping out as much as i think i should be. Still, i am there when they call and need me.
Now, as things progress and worsen, i am there. This is a time i know i can help. This is a time i know how to help. i have experience with this because of the MIT. This is a time when D and her family need someone close by that can drop everything and just be there. That i am able to do right now. That i am willing to do right now.
i am able to take D out in her wheelchair without difficulty. i took her out shopping. i am able to just sit and wait and listen in small bursts. i am able to lift and not hurting myself. i am able to change clothes easily without D helping. i am able to do body transfers. i am able to make someone drink when they can't remember. i am able to just sit and count breaths and remind her to breath.
i have practice with all of this. This is what i do with the MIT. For me, it is "easy" to do. For D's family, it isn't. i have been doing this for 16 years. They are not used to this. They need to grieve as it happens. i have been doing this for 16 years. They need to step back to keep their sanity. i have been doing this for 16 years. They need to deal with nurses and doctors and volunteers. i have been doing this for 16 years.
i can hear my therapist now. i can hear her concern that i am putting to much of myself out there. i can hear her worry about how i am going to feel when this is all over. i can hear myself wonder how things will change once it is all over. i can hear her wonder when i will have time for myself. i can hear her wonder how much energy i will have left at the end of the day, week, month. But now, now is when i can help.
Now i know how to help. i offer my help freely, with no thought of anything in return. This is the best present they could have given me. Time to be with D and give them piece of mind while i am there. Now i don't feel so guilty.
Saturday, December 06, 2008
And so the day begins
It is 9:00 on a Saturday. i have no MIT today. He went to respite last night. i will be picking Him up on Sunday.
So far today, i have taken my meds (yay me), made my bed, tidied my room, sorted gifts, started dishes, cleaned off my table, set out and lit candles, planned my week, talked to my sister, and have pulled out the ingredients to bake today. All this has been done before 9:00. On a day i could have slept in.
Why is it, when i give myself time, i feel the need to take control of my house and make it "perfect" in my eyes? Ok, i really do know why. It is because i want some control in my life. The house is the easiest thing to control right now. i can control how it looks, how clean it is, how decorated it is, and how warm it is. i can create a sense of control, by controlling my environment. It may be a false sense of control, but it is what i can actually do.
So for the rest of the day, i will be baking, dusting, vacuuming, laundry, dishes, making, and wrapping. All in the hopes of making myself feel like i am in control of something.
Oh yeah....and it is SNOWING again!!!!!!!
It is now 6:45 in the evening. i have not gotten much done. i made spaghetti for lunch. i made pork roast with potatoes and carrots and onions for dinner. i have done the dishes. i have even put the dishes away. i have had a nap. OH....i did fix the speakers on my computer. Now i can blast Yule/Christmas music while i do wrapping or baking or whatever. i don't know what else to do. Sure i have a list of stuff. i have baking i could do. i have stuff to take into the basement. i have stuff to bring up from the basement. None of which i really want to do. i guess i can have today as a lazy day.
So far today, i have taken my meds (yay me), made my bed, tidied my room, sorted gifts, started dishes, cleaned off my table, set out and lit candles, planned my week, talked to my sister, and have pulled out the ingredients to bake today. All this has been done before 9:00. On a day i could have slept in.
Why is it, when i give myself time, i feel the need to take control of my house and make it "perfect" in my eyes? Ok, i really do know why. It is because i want some control in my life. The house is the easiest thing to control right now. i can control how it looks, how clean it is, how decorated it is, and how warm it is. i can create a sense of control, by controlling my environment. It may be a false sense of control, but it is what i can actually do.
So for the rest of the day, i will be baking, dusting, vacuuming, laundry, dishes, making, and wrapping. All in the hopes of making myself feel like i am in control of something.
Oh yeah....and it is SNOWING again!!!!!!!
It is now 6:45 in the evening. i have not gotten much done. i made spaghetti for lunch. i made pork roast with potatoes and carrots and onions for dinner. i have done the dishes. i have even put the dishes away. i have had a nap. OH....i did fix the speakers on my computer. Now i can blast Yule/Christmas music while i do wrapping or baking or whatever. i don't know what else to do. Sure i have a list of stuff. i have baking i could do. i have stuff to take into the basement. i have stuff to bring up from the basement. None of which i really want to do. i guess i can have today as a lazy day.
Monday, June 02, 2008
Wow!!
i went to a play party on Saturday. It was the same one i went to 2 months ago. This time i went with someone. PM. She came to my house before the party. We had dinner together, and we talked about what would happen when we played. We talked about safe words, how we were going to communicate while we played. We went to my toy closet and we picked out a few toys for that night. We got dressed together. i took her picture in her leathers. Then we headed out.
i had been nervous before she arrived. Hell, i was nervous on the way there. This was going to be a real scene. This was going to be serious play. The last time that happened was with L, and that was in private. 2 months ago, it was not really a scene, but more a trial. This was going to be in public, with multiple toys, and with someone that wanted to play with me, and that i wanted to play with, and had wanted it for a long time.
We arrived and got settled into a spot. i went around and visited with some people. i went out for a couple smokes (with permission). Eventually it was time for the two of us to play. She had gotten possession of the cross. She came to get me.
She had me kneel in front of her, and reminded me of what we had talked about. She reminded me that we were going to have fun, and just go with the flow, and that if i had a problem, to do what we had discussed. She then had me stand up and take off what i was wearing. i threw it on the ground. Then i got the look and the "excuse Me?" She apologized for not letting me know that when she gets playing, she really gets into Dom mode. i picked it up, and i put it where she said, then she attached me to the cross. God it went well. She ramped me up and down. There was thuddy, there was stingy, there was harsh and there was soft. i got the giggles. i dropped. i orgasmed. i giggled more. i cried.
She let me cry. She held me and let me feel it. She didn't push me after that. She took me down and had me kiss her feet. We actually ended with that. It was the perfect ending. i helped her clean up and i went out for a smoke.
That was when i felt close to Mike again. i could smell His cologne. i thought it was my imagination. i smelled it again. It made me smile. i swear i could then feel His hand over my mouth and nose, just like He would do after a scene, taking my breath away. i tried to press into His hand, but it wasn't there. i could feel His other hand rub my arm, and His chest behind me, holding me up. i know it sounds weird, but that was how it felt.
It all felt so right. The evening, the play, the after stuff. It all felt like it should have. i felt at home again. i felt like me again. Not the "mommy" me. Not the closed off me. i felt like the me i was 2 years ago. The me that wasn't afraid of letting go. The me that wasn't closed off to submitting again. The me that new who and what i am.
i'm not so scared to be me again. i know He would be proud of me. i know that He would want me to feel this way again. i know that it is all ok now. i know i don't have to be single forever.
i had been nervous before she arrived. Hell, i was nervous on the way there. This was going to be a real scene. This was going to be serious play. The last time that happened was with L, and that was in private. 2 months ago, it was not really a scene, but more a trial. This was going to be in public, with multiple toys, and with someone that wanted to play with me, and that i wanted to play with, and had wanted it for a long time.
We arrived and got settled into a spot. i went around and visited with some people. i went out for a couple smokes (with permission). Eventually it was time for the two of us to play. She had gotten possession of the cross. She came to get me.
She had me kneel in front of her, and reminded me of what we had talked about. She reminded me that we were going to have fun, and just go with the flow, and that if i had a problem, to do what we had discussed. She then had me stand up and take off what i was wearing. i threw it on the ground. Then i got the look and the "excuse Me?" She apologized for not letting me know that when she gets playing, she really gets into Dom mode. i picked it up, and i put it where she said, then she attached me to the cross. God it went well. She ramped me up and down. There was thuddy, there was stingy, there was harsh and there was soft. i got the giggles. i dropped. i orgasmed. i giggled more. i cried.
She let me cry. She held me and let me feel it. She didn't push me after that. She took me down and had me kiss her feet. We actually ended with that. It was the perfect ending. i helped her clean up and i went out for a smoke.
That was when i felt close to Mike again. i could smell His cologne. i thought it was my imagination. i smelled it again. It made me smile. i swear i could then feel His hand over my mouth and nose, just like He would do after a scene, taking my breath away. i tried to press into His hand, but it wasn't there. i could feel His other hand rub my arm, and His chest behind me, holding me up. i know it sounds weird, but that was how it felt.
It all felt so right. The evening, the play, the after stuff. It all felt like it should have. i felt at home again. i felt like me again. Not the "mommy" me. Not the closed off me. i felt like the me i was 2 years ago. The me that wasn't afraid of letting go. The me that wasn't closed off to submitting again. The me that new who and what i am.
i'm not so scared to be me again. i know He would be proud of me. i know that He would want me to feel this way again. i know that it is all ok now. i know i don't have to be single forever.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Time for a reality check
Time for me to list all the things that make me happy. i think it is a perspective i really need right now.
- Spending mornings with the MIT watching TV series on DVD.
- Cuddles with the MIT.
- Figuring out what plants to put in my house, garden, and boxes.
- The way my family supports me.
- The way my friends support me.
- Spending time with my family (yes even if we fight a bit).
- Spending time with my friends (all of you. P&E, L&D, S, D&H, B).
- Playing with kids in the neighbourhood.
- The green in my house.
- Keeping my house somewhat clean and in order.
- Sleeping with Splotchy, My Baby Bear, Elli, Hippo, and Eeyore.
- Rocks.
- Flowers.
- Knowing that i am taking my meds every day, and when i am supposed to.
- Actually cooking (i know, this hasn't been one for a very long time).
- Sunshine (that is why i am opening my blinds every day).
- Making my bed every day.
- BBQ'ing.
- Lighting candles.
- The look on the face of the MIT when He finds out i will be letting Him stay up late to see a movie.
- The MIT hugging me and jumping up and down when He is happy.
- Looking at pictures of Mike.