This weekend, the anniversary, has hit me hard. So hard I had a breakdown at therapy. Big breakdown.
I cried and cried. I can't understand how I could miss someone who actually treated me like an extra. Yes I have said He never treated me as such, but in reality, that is exactly how He treated me. He had His wife. He had His Mistress. He had others. I never said boo. I never said stop. I tried to understand. I excused His lying. I excused His bullshit. I excused everything, just so I could be with Him. How could I let someone treat me that way. As an extra. Not someone worthy of the truth, respect, and attention I actually deserved. What I deserve now.
Yesterday, I took down his pictures. I cleaned out his drawer. I kept some things, threw others away, and gave away a few. I want him out of my thoughts. Out of my memories. Out of my feelings. I know it is unrealistic. I know he will always be a part of me. 6 1/2 years is a long time to be with someone. For this weekend, I just want to not feel so bad. Too bad I can't control that.
Today is about not doing the "maladaptive" behaviour. No cutting. No over eating. No spending lots and lots of money. No drinking lots of alcohol. No sleeping the day away. It is about embracing my feelings of anger and sorrow. It is about being in the now (sometimes called mindfullness).
Today is going to be about beautifying my surroundings. "From sorrow springs growth." That is my mantra for today. I need to do it, without going out and spending a lot of money. I have already planted the front garden. I have already planted my one pot flower. The back patio has been swept.
I know I want new patio furniture. I know I want to buy lots of herbs. I know I want to buy new bird feeders. I want to buy and buy and buy. I also want to drink and drink and drink. I had one drink last night. I wanted more. The tequila is calling out to me. My credit card is calling me. My savings is calling to me. I will fight it. I will use the techniques they taught me in the hospital. I will concentrate on letting myself feel, and just enjoying the day.
Time to let sorrow bring growth.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Alcohol
Who said drinking doesn't make feelings hide? Well me for one. I figured that when I am drunk, I get to feel. Not the case. Today, I am feeling it. I am feeling the loss. I am feeling the weekend coming up. I am craving drinking all the time right now. I just want to get plastered and forget what Monday is. It is funny, because just this week, I have been wanting to take down His photos from my bedroom. I have been wanting to plain avoid everything. Alcohol is a great way to avoid.
I just want to avoid the sadness for a while.
I just want to avoid the sadness for a while.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Wow!!
I had a kid free weekend. It was great. I dropped His wheelchair off at Rygiel about 4:30 so didn't see Him after 4:00 on Friday. I had a nice, relaxing night. I watched hockey. I watched car racing. I went to bed on time. I slept through the night. It was just so nice.
Saturday, the plan I had, was to go out with my Sis for a while, come home, have a nap, shower and change, then head out to the local bar/pub for some dinner and drinks. Sis and I went to our favourite kitchen store. Thought I would buy some things (a new tea pot and infuser for it), but decided I didn't really need them. We then headed to the LCBO. I picked up some booze and tried the BEST champagne cognac that cost $80 per bottle. We headed home, and stopped at the dollar store, and I picked-up some glasses for my liquor cabinet. Time for me to go home, so we came here, and she headed out. I ended up only having a short nap, and then followed the rest of my plan.
The plan was to go to the bar, and wait for a guy I had flirted with on a previous occasion. He usually shows up to play pool early. That part of the plan changed. I got ready, dressed up slightly, and headed out. Ordered a sandwich and fries for dinner, and did a bit of people watching, and catching up with another regular at the bar. While I was people watching, I noticed a guy walking past me, smiling. The next time he came by, he winked at me, with the same grin. I asked him a question, and...
I met a guy. Cute. Well, actually hot (not that he thinks so). He has the look of Christian Slater. Sometimes he can even sound like him. (I think that is what I am going to call him that here. Christian) He has a huge heart. Has trust issues. Younger than me by 8 years (he will be 32 later this year). Likes Nascar. Likes old heavier rock. Likes his palms being scratched and his hands rubbed. He has a great sense of humour. Does funny voices. Blushes nicely and makes me blush easily. He cuddles great and his kisses and the way he looked at me, makes my knees weak.
We came back to my house, pretty early really, and, well, fooled around almost as soon as we stepped in the room. It was nice, necking with someone, and being desired like that. No actual intercourse, although we did try (Mel thinks he is "hung like a donkey" because we had some issues with my tightness and when she called, I asked her if she had any lube early Sunday morning). Feeling skin on skin was the order of the night. That and watching the race, and hockey, but don't ask me what the results were of either. He never did orgasm. I did. Multiple times. He didn't (grin).
During the night, and the next morning, we decided to give this a go. No one night stand (hence his not getting "there"). No f**k buddies. We are actually going to slow things down and see what happens. A second date has been set for this coming Saturday. Plus plans for the long weekend were discussed, along with "eventually, maybe, we will see about, possibly" getting to the point where he will meet the MIT. We did say we were "in like" with each other.
I like how I felt the rest of Sunday (after he left) and today. I like hearing his voice in my head telling me how beautiful I am. I get that this may not be a "be all" relationship. I get that he may even cancel Saturday night (confidence fading as the hours go by). For now, I am enjoying the feeling. The remembering. The fantasizing.
I can't stop smiling LOL
Saturday, the plan I had, was to go out with my Sis for a while, come home, have a nap, shower and change, then head out to the local bar/pub for some dinner and drinks. Sis and I went to our favourite kitchen store. Thought I would buy some things (a new tea pot and infuser for it), but decided I didn't really need them. We then headed to the LCBO. I picked up some booze and tried the BEST champagne cognac that cost $80 per bottle. We headed home, and stopped at the dollar store, and I picked-up some glasses for my liquor cabinet. Time for me to go home, so we came here, and she headed out. I ended up only having a short nap, and then followed the rest of my plan.
The plan was to go to the bar, and wait for a guy I had flirted with on a previous occasion. He usually shows up to play pool early. That part of the plan changed. I got ready, dressed up slightly, and headed out. Ordered a sandwich and fries for dinner, and did a bit of people watching, and catching up with another regular at the bar. While I was people watching, I noticed a guy walking past me, smiling. The next time he came by, he winked at me, with the same grin. I asked him a question, and...
I met a guy. Cute. Well, actually hot (not that he thinks so). He has the look of Christian Slater. Sometimes he can even sound like him. (I think that is what I am going to call him that here. Christian) He has a huge heart. Has trust issues. Younger than me by 8 years (he will be 32 later this year). Likes Nascar. Likes old heavier rock. Likes his palms being scratched and his hands rubbed. He has a great sense of humour. Does funny voices. Blushes nicely and makes me blush easily. He cuddles great and his kisses and the way he looked at me, makes my knees weak.
We came back to my house, pretty early really, and, well, fooled around almost as soon as we stepped in the room. It was nice, necking with someone, and being desired like that. No actual intercourse, although we did try (Mel thinks he is "hung like a donkey" because we had some issues with my tightness and when she called, I asked her if she had any lube early Sunday morning). Feeling skin on skin was the order of the night. That and watching the race, and hockey, but don't ask me what the results were of either. He never did orgasm. I did. Multiple times. He didn't (grin).
During the night, and the next morning, we decided to give this a go. No one night stand (hence his not getting "there"). No f**k buddies. We are actually going to slow things down and see what happens. A second date has been set for this coming Saturday. Plus plans for the long weekend were discussed, along with "eventually, maybe, we will see about, possibly" getting to the point where he will meet the MIT. We did say we were "in like" with each other.
I like how I felt the rest of Sunday (after he left) and today. I like hearing his voice in my head telling me how beautiful I am. I get that this may not be a "be all" relationship. I get that he may even cancel Saturday night (confidence fading as the hours go by). For now, I am enjoying the feeling. The remembering. The fantasizing.
I can't stop smiling LOL