Monday, October 12, 2009

10th year

Dear Master,

Tomorrow is our 10th year anniversary. i can't believe it has been that long. i can't believe you have been gone for so long.

10 years ago, You came to my house and helped me clean out my basement. You fondled me on the ladder. You kissed me when my Mom wasn't looking. You moved stuff, and You put stuff together. You came back the next night and stayed. After that, we were almost inseparable. i fell in love with You very quickly. You said You did also. 3 1/2 years ago, You left. Yes You died. Still, You left. i miss You less and less. i think of You less and less. i still wish You were here, but it is getting easier.

i know i am going to miss You for a very long time. i know You will always be a part of my heart. i know that, as it gets easier, missing You doesn't stop.

Happy Anniversary Master. i love You.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Things that make me go hmmmmmm.

Last night, my Sis and her friend (calling her R) took me to a strip club in Niagara Falls. It isn't the first time they have taken me. It has been a very long time. This time i wasn't the DD (designated driver) so i was able to drink. Drinking is what i did.

i had 8 Bacardi Breezers (orange) and 7 shooters. 4 were Goldschlager. i have no idea what the other 3 were. i can tell you what it tasted like coming up at 5:30 am, but other than that, no idea. Man was i drunk. i could still walk a straight line. i could still talk ok. i just knew i was very drunk, my nose was numb, as were my legs.

i don't find the strippers very appealing. Some, sure. Most are young and don't know how to move. The older one caught my attention, but it was short lived. What did catch my eye, was two waiters. The one, much younger than myself, and short, and had a nice chest. He walked around shirtless, and let me take shooters from his belt. LOL. The other, was older. Cute in a different sort of way. Shirt on the entire time. Him i would have loved to take home.

Well, i found out that R was going to ask him for his number for me. So, to avert that little high school like situation, i told him what was going to happen, and told him it was ok to just give her a fake number. He surprised me. He wanted to know why he would do that, and that he would just give it to me himself. And, he did.

So here i sit. Sober. With a phone number to a waiter, whose name i didn't know until he wrote it on the paper with his number, and no idea when or if to call him.


Thursday, October 08, 2009

Time to breathe

So, P is good. He is out of the hospital. Tests came back fine. Has follow-ups and stuff, but for now, all is good.

Dad is good. He saw the doctor today, and gave them blood. Blood pressure is much better. Has more follow-ups, but for now, all is good.

MIT is a teen. He hurt me the other day. Head-butted me badly. i still have a goose-egg on my forehead from it. 8pm bedtimes for 3 weeks.

Now for me. i want back. i am ready. i want pain. i want to serve. i want to submit. All good things to say, but not the way to say it. i am ready for pain. i am ready to serve. i am ready to submit. That is better. It doesn't matter what i want, just that i am ready for it again. Yes hanging out with P and K and L and E and B helped prompt it out of me again. That isn't a bad thing. It feels like home when i am like that with them.

So yes, i am ready. In safe places. With safe people. People i trust and know. People i love and who love me. Yes i know i will end up going home alone. Yes i may feel like an extra sometimes. It doesn't matter.

i am ready.

This weekend is Thanksgiving. Next weekend is the MIT to Rygiel (weekend off). The next weekend, after that, is camping with Dad, the MIT, and me. My ways to relax. Now, what kind of trouble can i get into this weekend??

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Another One

First my Dad, and now P. Both cardiac issues. Both had/getting angiograms. Both getting wake-up calls. i am doing what i can, but, as per who i am, i am letting them guide me. They get to call, or ask, and i am right there. If they are overwhelmed, i stay back.

Last night i stayed at E's. Well, really, i spent the day and night and part of today there. Who ever thought cookies needed to be baked after mid-night didn't realize the ramifications. LOL. Then staying up talking to 5, while interesting and entertaining, was not the brightest of ideas. LOL.

i want to fix it. i want to be at the hospital with E, and with L, and with K when the surgery is going on. No, i am not all healthy, but still. The MIT will be back at school tomorrow. He is healthy now. That means i have the time. That means i am free to be with them all.

i just called. i told E i want to be there tomorrow. She said yes. i am going to go and hang out at her place with K and L. Baby Bear will be coming, and E is telling Lucy. i even get to give E a wake-up call at 6am. i have also arranged for Sis to get the MIT off His bus after school because P's procedure isn't booked until 2, and i want to be there to hear He is ok.

So, now that all has been arranged, i am off to bed so i can be up and ready for the day with bright eyes.