i hate it when i disappoint people, or let them down. i know where it stems from too. It all comes from having people like me for what i can do, rather than for just who i am. Realizing this doesn't help how guilty i feel. It is just a realization.
Take today. Today the MIT is sick. Sick enough for me to keep Him home. i never keep Him home. He has to be really, really sick for me to keep Him home from school. That is what He is today. Today is also the day i go and clean for L and D. i can't do both. i can't take the MIT with me, as i don't want their family to get what He has. i can't just send the MIT to school so i can go and do the cleaning. So i have to choose, and end up letting someone down.
Then comes the stress of the realization. That by letting L and D down, they will no longer like me. Logically i know that isn't true. That missing one day of cleaning isn't going to ruin the friendship i have with them. Still that little voice inside my head, that says i am not worthy of friendships, that i can only be liked for what i do rather than who i am, screams. i have definitely got to work on that.
This weekend is going to be fun though. This Saturday is going to be the first play party i have been out to, since even before Mike's death. Ok, not completely true. i went to one in June, but didn't stay to long, and had only gone by myself. This time i am going with L and D. i am nervous about it. i am nervous about how i am going to feel being around so many people, in the dungeon that Mike and i, P&E, H&S, F&B, P and H all built together. i know i will be surrounded by people that care about me, and am going with L and D (who care and love me), so i will have lots of support. Hmmmm, maybe i could take my reflexology stuff with me and get some feet in (while feeling submissive) at the party. LOL, now there is an interesting idea.
Any ways, off to care for the sick child.
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