Thursday, November 30, 2006

Disappointing people

i hate it when i disappoint people, or let them down.  i know where it stems from too.  It all comes from having people like me for what i can do, rather than for just who i am.  Realizing this doesn't help how guilty i feel.  It is just a realization.

Take today.  Today the MIT is sick.  Sick enough for me to keep Him home.  i never keep Him home.  He has to be really, really sick for me to keep Him home from school.  That is what He is today.  Today is also the day i go and clean for L and D.  i can't do both.  i can't take the MIT with me, as i don't want their family to get what He has.  i can't just send the MIT to school so i can go and do the cleaning.  So i have to choose, and end up letting someone down. 

Then comes the stress of the realization.  That by letting L and D down, they will no longer like me.  Logically i know that isn't true.  That missing one day of cleaning isn't going to ruin the friendship i have with them.  Still that little voice inside my head, that says i am not worthy of friendships, that i can only be liked for what i do rather than who i am, screams.  i have definitely got to work on that. 

This weekend is going to be fun though.  This Saturday is going to be the first play party i have been out to, since even before Mike's death.  Ok, not completely true.  i went to one in June, but didn't stay to long, and had only gone by myself.  This time i am going with L and D.  i am nervous about it.  i am nervous about how i am going to feel being around so many people, in the dungeon that Mike and i, P&E, H&S, F&B, P and H all built together.  i know i will be surrounded by people that care about me, and am going with L and D (who care and love me), so i will have lots of support.  Hmmmm, maybe i could take my reflexology stuff with me and get some feet in (while feeling submissive) at the party.  LOL, now there is an interesting idea. 

Any ways, off to care for the sick child.

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Monday, November 27, 2006


Originally posted Nov 30, 2005 :

So, yesterday the people from Make-a-wish came and talked to the MIT. Prior to their arrival, MIT and i wrote up what His wish was, just incase He went full blown. Here is what He wished for:
I wish to go to HollyWood. I want to visit TV sets and watch a show.
I wish to meet:
Jim Carrey
Mike Myers
Robin Williams
Will Smith
Jackie Chan
Jimmy Kennedy
Daniel Radcliff
Rupert Grint
Emma Watson
David Thewlis
Michael Gambon
Robbie Coltraine
Missy Elliot
Bow Wow
the Black Eyed Peas

 I wish to do all this because i want to know what it is like to be an actor and a rapper and a comedian.

i think this is a great wish. Now all i have to do is fill out all the paper work. Lots of paper work.

Well, the time has almost come.  The wish is in gear and all we are now waiting for is my passport, and the dates we are going.  That is right, the MIT is getting His wish.  We are going to New York City to meet Mike Myers.  We will be staying at the Hyatt.  We will be flying to New York.  We will be taken to the air port by a limo.  We will be there for 4 nights/5 days.  It is pretty exciting. 

Here is the delema.  It is another sign that the MIT is progressive, and bound to get worse.  Originally, when we placed the wish, Mike was going to be going with us.  Mike was key in helping me come to terms about actually applying to Make-A-Wish.  Mike spun hope around the fact that it all didn't mean the MIT was going to die tomorrow.  Now, there is signs of the MIT going downhill. 

His ballance is getting worse.  He is loosing more and more words.  He stops breathing more often during His sleep.  His heart rate is dropping more and more during His sleep.  When He has a sever episode, He tends to faint and loose consciousness more often. 

With Mike gone, i tend to feel less equipped to handle these episodes.  Mike was always my backup that i could call and hear that He was either coming to look at the MIT, or that the MIT would be fine.  If the MIT got an injury, Mike was the first person i called.  Mike would come and check on the injury, i could feel more at ease.  Now i don't have that backup.  my Mom isn't able to do that for me.  She either resents my calling, or helps push my stress over the situation to  a trip to the hospital.  my Sister can't, as she doesn't have enough knowledge in the area, like Mike did. 

This whole trip is a double edge knife, hitting me right in the heart.  It is the realization that, although it may not be today/tonight/tomorrow, the MIT is going to get worse and worse.  It is the reminder that Mike is not there to go with us or to help with the medical aspect that the MIT and i need.  It is also a great opportunity for the MIT to meet one of His idols, and, if it happens before Christmas, to get hard to buy for friends autographs as their presents.  i just really wish i didn't feel so down about the trip and could just keep the upside feelings from getting buried under all the grief and worry.

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Getting frustrated with the human race

i sit here and read other people's journals/blogs/diaries, and i am getting frustrated.  i read stuff from acquaintances.  Read how they perceive things in others and all i want to do is scream "what you hate the most in others is what you hate the most about you!". 

One example.  Someone i am acquainted to has decided that she doesn't like how someone keeps changing plans on her.  How she doesn't like how someone makes a commitment to something, and then just changes their mind, without telling her, and how it is like they are letting down society.  That they don't see how their actions affect other people.  How they are selfish in their desire to do what ever it is they want, without consulting her.  This is the pot calling the kettle black.  She does the exact same thing all the time.  Like the time she decided it would be ok to just rest her boob on someone's head, without asking and without thinking how it might make the other person (or even those around him) feel.  This is the same woman who makes commitments to be places, but then changes her mind, and doesn't even let anyone know.  This is the same woman that took it upon herself to do "what she thought was right" with some of Mike's things, but didn't think how it would affect me or my son.  Hellooooo! Maybe if she were to stop doing the exact same thing, others around her might follow by example.  But then again, that would mean she would have to look past her own nose and see how her actions affect others.  Arrrrg!

Then there is the thing i have been keeping all bottled up inside for a very long time.  See i have a friend (and i do consider her a friend, as she and i have been friends for a long time and i feel able to confide in her) that tends to only call when she needs something.  Calls on the day of a munch to see if she can get a ride.  Calls to see how i am doing to then ask if i can driver her someplace.  Calls to talk about how rough it is going to be to take her kids to the doctor or something so that i can volunteer to drive.  Calls for her son's reports to be printed yet never volunteers to pay for new ink for me.  Drives are always free for her.  i have yet to be given gas money.  Calls about how frustrated she is that someone hasn't removed stuff from her house that belongs to them, yet has stuff here since October, and has yet to pick it up, and expects me to bring it to her. 

Most of the time i feel taken advantage of.  i know i can be nice, and i know i have it in me to do stuff for people because i want them to like me, but i am getting sick of it.  i am getting sick of not putting value to my time or energy with her, and her taking advantage of the fact that i am yet able to do it consistently.  

So, in my oh so passive aggressive way, i have stopped contacting her.  i have stopped calling "just because".  i have avoided talking to her, in the hopes that she will find value in my friendship and in what i can give her, and in what she gives me.  i don't think it is working.  Instead it has become about how no one likes her, and how no one calls her, and how she is worried everyone is mad at her. 

And the attitude isn't just affecting me, but other friends of mine.  i am fighting the urge to "fix it all" by having a get-together with all involved in the hopes that everyone can reconnect and feel at ease again.  i just know it isn't my job, and i am not going to let myself get sucked in to that kind of feeling.  It is not for me fix it.  It is not all my fault.  So, i just wait.  Wait for her to call me or any of our other friends.  Wait for her to decide she is worthy of calling others and asking for help, but not counting on me/us to bail her out and let her off the hook. 

i am just getting so frustrated, and don't know how to deal with it.

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Saturday, November 25, 2006

A Knew way of saying things

i did go to school and to therapy yesterday.  i also went to the doctor's to fix some paperwork issues.  It was a busy day.

At school i learned that as of next week, i can start booking volunteer clients for my reflexology course.  That means that as of Dec 1st at 12:00 pm (or there about) i can start getting real people's medical history, set up charts for them, colour and fill in foot charts, and make observations.  It is so cool.  i get to act like a real reflexologist but not charge any money.  i am not even allowed to ask for payment, but can suggest donations.  i am feeling really proud of what i have done with the course, and where i can go with it.  This is going to be an exciting time for me. 

In therapy, i learned that i was no longer saying "have to" but saying "choose to".  It is like that promise i made to myself over a week ago is working.  That by giving myself permission to let the unimportant things go, i am choosing to work more on myself.  i am choosing when and with who i go get groceries.  i am choosing when, and for how long, i sometimes need to take "me time".  i am choosing that i get up early in the morning so the MIT and i have some quiet cuddle time before the rush of the morning happens.  i am choosing to give my self and my time value (ie cleaning L & D's place for pay).  i am choosing more than thinking about having to do stuff.  It felt nice coming to that realization. 

i also found out that i have a couple labels.  i am an avoider (6/7).  That was a "well duh" moment.  i am clinically depressed.  Another "well duh" moment.  i have obsessive compulsive traits.  i have borderline personality disorder traits. At first the labels scared me, but not so much anymore.  So what.  They are just labels to tell the professionals what sorts of things i need to work on.

Back to the "choosing to" though.  i have yet to choose to let myself have enough time grieving.  i still seem to expect to be over it.  i mean, come one, it has been over six months.  i shouldn't be brought to tears over seeing Christmas stuff all over.  i shouldn't be brought to tears when i see something i should be getting Mike for Christmas.  i should be crying when i see something cool Mike would have gotten for the MIT.  i should be getting on with my life.  Then i take a look around me and see that i am.  i am going to school.  i have found something i am interested in and following the dream in that.  i am getting on with life, and i am still allowed to grieve.  i have lots of steps to go through, and lots of emotions to encounter still, but i am facing this stuff instead of just burying my head in the sand and pretending everything is ok.

There is other news, and i think i will make that a post all its own.  It deserves a full post on it, and what is going on. 

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Friday, November 24, 2006

2 more left

After today's class, i only have 2 left.  That is right, only 2 left.  Then i get to start booking volunteer clients.  i have to do a full treatment on 70 people before i get my certificate.  Well, i also have a practical test and a written test to complete, but i don't think it will take me too long.  i am going to hit up everyone, and book appointments when ever i can.  Especially when the MIT is busy with the nurse or karate or at my parents. 

What i could really use is a recliner (LaFuma).  It is a nice chair for the clients to sit in, and portable.  That way i can do clients at their own homes, or here at my house.  i have a spot in my bedroom that it would fit, where i could hold sessions quietly, and provide a relaxing atmosphere.  i have all my other supplies.  Pillow, photo copies of charts, witch hazel, towels, files.  All the things i need, except the expensive recliner.  i am really excited about this.  i am also positive that i will keep this up and not just brush my new knowledge away.  Reflexology is something i can see myself doing for as long as my hands let me.  i find great joy in doing it, and i find it relaxing myself. 

i am also pretty proud of the fact that i have stuck it through.  i have had to get myself up and dressed and to class without anyone else taking me.  i have kept up on my homework.  i have practiced the foot procedure when i could.  i have asked lots of questions, and have tried to act professional at all times during class, even when i didn't want to.  i have only missed one class because of hurting my back.  The other missed class was a cancellation by the teacher.  i have stuck it out, no matter how down or depressed i have been.  i have a lot to be proud of for this.

i am writing this because today, i do not feel motivated to go to class.  i feel like crawling back into bed and going back to sleep.  i think the desire to avoid class today is mainly because Friday also means therapy day, and i never look forward to it.  i know it is good for me, but i hate how i feel afterwards.  my family doctor asked if it was helping.  Not yet.  i don't see any differences in me yet.  i don't feel any different about all the shit that goes on in my life yet.  i am even at the point of wondering if it will ever help.  Even still, i will keep going.  i have to.  i know that i can't move forward without it.  i know that eventually it will be helpful.  Well, i think so. 

Ok, time to bug the MIT to finish getting ready.  Then onto getting myself ready for the day.  BLAHHHHH! (btw, i want it to snow)

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Wednesday, November 22, 2006

i need baby steps

So i did go to the munch last night.  my Sister drove me.  She was kinda freaked out about going, but did really well.  i on the other hand, had a rough time and was glad i had to be home by 10. 

i felt freezed out.  Here i was, trying to be the Org rep and all people either just walked by me without saying anything, or said hi and walked away.  i made an effort to go over to everyone (yes even those that have been going to the munch  forever) and saying hi, and asking how they had been, and, of course, hounded them about the cookie swap next month.  i even made a point of saying hello to A & L's friend LJ.  Now that was fun.  The look on her face when i actually spoke to her.  (laugh) i guess i can be evil at times.  There were only 2 new people.  One who found a group he knew.  The other had apparently been there last month and had been a little obnoxious about asking women lots of questions.  i was asked about 4 times where the name tags were.  my response was that i had actually made it to the munch and that was enough for now.  i was also (in a joking manor) told it was my fault newbees felt less welcome.  They were referring to a post i made on a mailing list.  It was difficult keeping up the "happy, glad to meet you, everything is great" persona.

At one point i actually looked to see where Mike was, so i could go up to Him and have Him hug me and tell me i was doing a good job.  That was a weird feeling.  The need to have Him there was really overwhelming.  The need to feel His hand in my hair, pulling it back, felt like such a desperate need.  i started crying at the table my Sister and i were occupying.  i ended up going out for a smoke.  The bartender came out while i was having my smoke and asked what was wrong.  He remembered Mike as being the one usually there first and that He always ordered rum and coke (white rum at that).  No one had told him about Mike.  i did the telling again. 

So i survived this giant step out into the public scene again, where i was to be social.  my Sister says i did a good job and no one could have noticed how on edge i was.  i don't like giant steps.  i need to take smaller, baby steps.  At least i went.

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Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Just Great

So, turns out E can't make it tonight to the munch because her Grandfather died.  i met him once.  i liked him.  He had a great sense of humour.  i know E will miss him alot.  i told her to ask P to be with her tonight.  She isn't feeling like it, because it means she is asking for help.  i hope He does offer, and i hope even more that she will take Him up on it.  She needs Him tonight.  i know she needs the support, and i know she needs to be home tonight.   i'm just feeling selfish right now. 

This is going to be the first Toronto Munch i have made it too in a long time.  In previous months, since Mike's death, i have always gone with others.  This time, it may be just me. i am getting anxious about it.  i am getting worried i can't do it.  i am feeling like i have to put on this great face and hope i can keep the persona up until it is time for me to leave.  i want P to be there for E, but i also would like someone there for me.  So now i am going to HAVE to ask for help.  i just don't know who to ask.  Maybe my Sister. 

Ok, my Sister is coming with me.  This should be fun.  Maybe now E will feel more comfortable asking P to come down and be with her and the kids.  i have posted my pic on the list for people to know what i look like.  E is going to be posting an email so that people know to come to me with questions or to drop off donations for her project.  And i am feeling more confident about going because my Sister will be with me and will protect me. 

Now to figure out what to wear, do the dishes, have the MIT come home, get the MIT ready to go out, and shower and dress before going out.  i can do this.

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Gods are laughing

Friday night the MIT and i headed out to Toronto to spend the night at L & D's place.  The MIT had sworn He wouldn't have any fun at all.  That He wouldn't talk to anyone.  That we would go and that He was going to be rude and hate everything.  Well, as soon as we walked in the door, He was giving D a hug, and L a hug, and was chattering with the girls.  i knew that would happen, but it is still nice to see.  Once the kids were in bed, L, D and i had some nice adult conversation and headed to be our selves.  Saturday was going to be busy.

Saturday my back still hurt a bit, but i survived.  We all got up pretty early.  L made the kids (all 5 of us) pancakes, and Herself some eggbeaters. 

It was about this time i heard the Gods laugh.  D noticed M was scratching at her eye.  She was rubbing it raw.  He looked and saw a black fleck in her eye.  Off she and L went to wash they eye out, but the black fleck stayed in.  The grownups had a meeting in the office (we were smoking and trying to figure out what we would all do).  Talk about cancelling our plans and having to take M to a doctor of some sort was the only answer we could come up with.  i would stay at the house with the MIT and S, and L, D, and M would head to the hospital or walk-in clinic to get the fleck out.  L & D decided to give it one more try, and they got the fleck out!  No need to change plans.  We would all be heading to the science center together!  Well, once the adults got our butts in gear. 

The MIT and i had a great time.  It took the MIT a while to get into the swing of the place, but once He figured out He would like it there, all things were good.  i got a picture of Him lifting a car.  He has a picture of His face on the Incredible Hulk's body.  i got some geodes from the gift shop.  i got some pictures of M & S doing different things.  It was a good day.  The Marvel special thingy wasn't all that great.  It seemed like repeats of stuff in other sections of the science center.  At least i am now able to say i am a mutant.  i was tested and that was the result.  hehehehe.

The MIT and i had to drive home that night.  The MIT is taking confirmation classes (Anglican, not Catholic) and my Mom wanted Him to be at her place overnight.  It felt like a let down to me, leaving so abruptly.  It would have been nice to have stayed and spent more time.  Especially once the kids were in bed.  More adult talk is needed sometimes. 

Sunday was an easy day.  It was the final race of the Nascar season.  Mike's driver won the championship.  The whole race i could picture the way it was last year.  How we sat on the couch and cuddled, and played a bit while we watched the point standings rise and fall.  i could almost hear Him cheering when His driver won.  i didn't get sad though.  i thought i would have, but i didn't.  i watched the race, cursing at Him every once in a while about how His driver was winning.  i actually enjoyed it. 

Yesterday was hell.  my Mom decided there was a lot i needed to get done.  She dragged me all over the place, and didn't listen when i said that i was done.  That i was past the point of being out around people.  Sure i got lots of stuff done, but at what expense?  i felt like i had been plowed over by a transport.  The physical manifestations of my panic attacks are getting worse.  i had little time to pull myself together before the MIT came home.  i ended up not cooking again last night.  i did pull it together enough to take the MIT with me to the reserve for smokes.  At least i could do that.  Oh, and i didn't kill my Mother.  Although the thought did cross my mind.

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Friday, November 17, 2006


i am staying home from school and therapy today.  i have to.  i need to be better for tomorrow.  Instead of going, i am taking hot showers, borrowing my Sister's heating pad, and taking muscle relaxants.  See, i fell down the stairs while cleaning at L's place yesterday.  Plus, i then continued to clean as much as i possibly could.  i even dragged the vacuum up and down the stairs, and wet-jetted the downstairs.  Not very good for an injured back. 

Other than that, i have something to be proud of finally.  i actually asked L, since i had been cleaning Her place for 3 weeks, if She wished for me to continue.  i did this because, when i had presented Her with the idea, that we would give it 3 weeks to see if we were both happy with the arrangement.  i followed through on that and actually asked outright if she wished for me to continue.  i did not wait for Her to say anything, i did not wait until Wednesday to call and ask if She needed me the next day.  i acted like a grown-up and asked if She was happy.  She said YES!!!!!!  She also asked me if i was happy.  Of course i am.  i get money every week that i can use to keep me afloat.  i have a purpose, other than being a mom, once a week.  i need to keep doing this.  i am just glad She wants me to keep going.

For asking, i am proud of myself. 

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Thursday, November 16, 2006

Needing to feel in control

i am hoping today will help center me.  i know, most people wouldn't find cleaning a way to feel centered, but for me, especially when it isn't my house, does exactly that.  It is like i leave my life for a while, and get to escape all the bombardment of stuff that just seems to keep piling up on me.  It is a way to just be someone who cleans and a way to get out of this house and enter someone else's life.  i also get to ignore my life for a while. 

i am also finding it hard to find things i am proud of this week.  i know it isn't Sunday, and that is when i actually do the review of the week, but with the week i have had, i am finding it difficult.  i feel like i can't complete anything.  Yes i start stuff, but never get it finished.  The sewing, the dishes, the laundry, homework, housework, meals, decorating.  i have yet to complete any of these things.  i have started each one but can't find a center force to keep at just one. 

OK, this is getting pretty dreary.  This week has felt dreary.  On to some good things to look forward to.  Saturday is going to the Science Center with L, D, M, S, and the MIT.  That will be fun.  Tuesday will be going to the DSSG Toronto Munch.  Next Saturday is going to Samco with L and D.  The Saturday after that is probably going to Endorphins with L and D.  i have only 4 more classes before finishing the course portion of becoming a certified reflexologist.  (evil Mom was wrong....i was able to go to every class, and i was able to stick to it, and i was able to do it)

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Wednesday, November 15, 2006


i have people coming in and out of my house.  Yes my bathroom sink is getting fixed, and yes i am happy about that, but i feel like the house is being invaded.  i have been like this since the first person arrived, and can't seem to settle.  i tried to work on a sewing problem and broke a needle (when doing a zigzag stitch, don't use the foot on the machine that only has a hole and not a slot), i am now also out of the colour of thread i was using and have only a quarter of the one project done (this of course means going out to get thread at some point).  i started to put up my winter decorations (window clings), since i find November to be a dreary month of no decorations (i don't decorate for Christmas until December 1st).  i can't get the clings to stick so that means i have to wash my windows, and i have no paper towels (again going out to get some).  i thought of doing laundry but no detergent in the house (again with the going out). 

i want to feel settled.  At least i have eaten properly, and have check my blood sugars, and even have planned what i am making myself for dinner.  i may even end up baking sometime today.  i bought the cheating dough last night.  The pre-made sugar cookie dough and the pre-made gingerbread dough.  Then again, going out to pickup the things i need may take more out of me than i plan.  i guess i will just have to wait and see.

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One of those people

i have become a type of person i hate.  i have become a complainer that doesn't fix the problem.  i hate people like that.  i hate listening to people that complain and complain about the same thing all the time, and do absolutely nothing to fix it.  i have become one of those people that i hate. 

i find myself complaining about one certain thing.  About being taken advantaged of by people i would normally call friends.  i haven't confronted these friends.  i have just let it slide.  i have also added to the "letting" them take advantage of me, by agreeing to do just one more thing.  i am not giving myself worth by letting this continue.  i am not giving myself a voice by not saying anything.  But i have a great excuse.

See, i was taught to pick my battles.  Right now my battles are to be able to wake-up and be productive every morning, to not take my frustrations out on the MIT, to go grocery shopping on my own, plus being in control of what i eat, when i eat, checking my blood sugars, and taking my medication when i should, and keeping up with the housework i should be doing, and finishing and graduating from my Reflexology course.  These battles are very important to me.  i have even been making progress on them.

 The course is going well, and i will get to start actually working on real volunteer clients, along with being done the book work on the 8th of December.  The final written test will be held in January, as will my final practicle test.  i had been all stressed out over the review class we had yesterday, but i did good.  i have some reading to do, and some memorizing to get done, but overall, i am confident. 

i have yet to go get groceries by myself.  Last night was easier because my Sister met me at the store and walked around it with me.  This weekend was good because i was with L and her girls.  Yes i felt a little overwhelmed once we were done, but nothing like i usually am if i go alone.  Small baby steps, but steps that are working.

my diabetes stuff is going...well....ok.  i have good days and bad days.  i have found that added stress makes me eat more.  i have found that if i skip a mean i eat more.  i have found that not including a fruit or veggie makes me not feel as good.  All things i already know, but am relearning, and trying to keep an eye on.  Mainly my problem is eating dinner WHEN i am supposed to, and not when i feel like it.  Eating at 4 or eating at 7 are not condusive to being able to keep on track.  This i must buckle down on.

i think i have done well with getting up every morning.  What is difficult is being productive once the MIT leaves for school.  This is when i have to fight my body's urge to go back to sleep.  Sometimes i do what my body and brain needs, and that is to hide.  Other times, i fight threw it and get stuff done.  i have to.  If i don't, i feel more out of control, which screws up my ability to be a good mom to the MIT 

These are battles i am fighting, and fighting hard.  These are all battles worth fighting.  The feeling taken advantage of, i own some of the responsibility in that.  i keep saying "yes" to things when i know i shouldn't, and i keep letting things slide when i shouldn't.  i also know that if i really want it to stop, i need to find my voice enough to say "stop", but it is not something i am really ready to do.  Instead, i am choosing to be one of those people i hate.  i will live with that. 

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Monday, November 13, 2006

The badness has moved on

i thought i had it all figured out for tomorrow.  Tomorrow i would take my make-up review class, then take the van in to be repaired.  Well, that all came to an end once the MIT decided to try to sit on the bathroom sink.

Yes, you read right.  The MIT sat on the bathroom sink and it fell.  Busted the pipe that feeds hot water to the sink, and the drainage pipe.  The sink is in one piece, but still.  Anyways, now i have to either stay home, or find someone to babysit my house, and wait for the plumber.  They can't come tonight.  They have to come tomorrow.  Tomorrow, when i am supposed to be out of the house from 9:30am until god knows when. 

i can't believe i am now needing medication just because of a stupid sink. 

6:30 am update : so my Mom is coming this morning so i can actually go to school for the review class, and if the plumber doesn't come while she is here, i have to wait to take in the van.  At least i get to go to class, and i wasn't the one that talked to Mom about it.  my Sister did, so it ended up being Mom's idea and i can't be yelled at about it like i did earlier when i called her for help.

8:30 am Update: so the super just called and said that the landlord does not want to use the plumber, but a different company, so no one is coming today, and it will get fixed tomorrow between 9am - 5pm.  This means i am back to being able to go to class, and go take the van in.  Yeah for that.  Now to just cancel everything i had planned for tomorrow.

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Sunday, November 12, 2006

Promises to myself

i have decided that each week i will make promises to myself.  Kind of like giving myself permission to do things, and to grieve as i need.  Here is my list for this week

  • i promise to feel what i need to feel, when i need to feel it

  • i promise to only do what i am capable to do, and not push myself past that

  • i promise to find pride in little achivements

  • i promise to not worry over the little things, and just enjoy life

  • i promise to keep eating healthy and keep taking my meds

Those are good promises

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Friday, November 10, 2006

What i find sensual

(Idea stolen from a Friend)

A confident woman in a crisp white suit
A woman in a corset
Dressing a woman in a corset
A fist in my hair, pulling my head back
Being french kissed
Massaging someone's feet
A confident man in a well fitted suit and tie
Biker boots
A bald head
Someone looking down at me
A voice whispering in my ear
Feeling uncomfortable under someone's approving gaze
The smell of leather
The feel of skin on skin
The feel of something on my wrists
The idea of getting something pierced
A standing out in a summer rain storm
Being made to blush
Wearing stockings
The smell of the forest in the fall
Walking in crunchy leaves
Sweat dripping down a nose

Well, that is all i can't think of right now. Maybe i will come up with more later.

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Yesterday was a very productive day.  i cleaned house for a special family.  i looked after 2 wonderful girls for 2 hours.  i packed and ate a nutritious lunch.  It was great.  i also learned a lesson.  On Thursdays i need to also pack a light dinner or else i will get home over hungry and eat everything i can find.  Other than that, not a problem in the world. 

i like feeling productive.  i like being able to get stuff done and do it in a way i am proud of it and see a finished product.  Here, when i clean, i just see the MIT messing it up as soon as i do it.  That feels like such a downer.  There, i don't have to see the mess start as soon as people walk in the house.  There i also know that the cleaning is appreciated.  Here, well, it doesn't really matter to the MIT.  He doesn't care if He lives in a mess.  He isn't so appreciative. 

Today is school and therapy.  School i am not looking forward to.  Not today anyways.  i want to run the whole foot procedure that we have learned to date.  Not just the warm-up and then the new techniques.  It just doesn't flow right, and i need to feel the flow to know i am doing it well.  Maybe i will ask some people if i can practice on them this weekend.  That might help. 

On top of that, we are doing a review on Monday.  Reviewing of all the book stuff.  i don't feel i have a grasp on it all.  i feel like i have been skating threw each chapter.  i don't think i have retained any of what i have read.  i guess all i can do is re-read all the chapters and try to hammer it into my head.  We'll see how it goes.

Therapy is not something i ever look forward to.  There always seems to be one more thing i need to learn, get past, work on, without looking at how i have been doing with the last set of assignments.  Again, it feels like i can't grasp it all together.  i can get one set of things (plan something good after therapy), and add another (asking for help from people), but can't put the two things together. 

All in all, i guess i am feeling like i am floundering.  Like i am trying to keep my head above water but keep getting dragged down at every turn.  At least i have little things that i am proud of this week. 

i am proud of being able to find and get the watch i wanted/needed.  i am proud of being able to eat somewhat healthy and take my meds when i am supposed to.  i am proud i am checking my blood sugars more frequently.  i am proud i lost a pound.  i am proud i cleaned my house.  i am proud i knew when i was passed my limit of dealing with things and went home without pushing myself into an anxiety attack.  i am proud of making a plan each day, and proud that i can follow most of it.  i am proud of waking up each morning.  i am proud of keeping up with the laundry.  i am proud that my kitchen isn't being run over by dishes.  i am proud i got all my garbage and recycling out yesterday.  i am proud i haven't snapped at the MIT as often lately.  i am proud of working for money at something that makes me feel good.  i am proud i haven't stopped going to therapy. 

i guess things aren't all that bad.

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Wednesday, November 08, 2006

A better day

i guess i needed yesterday to be a nothing, sucky day, for today to work out so nicely. 

Yesterday, i thought my doctor's appointment was at 2.  Turned out, it was at 10, and i missed it.  i did still weigh myself, but felt totally stupid.  i got the time wrong by 4 hours.  i have now booked 2 appointments.  One on the 20th, and one on the 4th.  Both are about 11:00.  No way am i going to be late for either of them.  i have written them down all over the place. 

Yesterday i also thought i was ready to get groceries on my own.  i didn't do it in the morning.  i did it when my sister came to watch the MIT.  i did get all the groceries, but came home feeling like i had been accosted by all the people in the store.  People kept bumping into me.  People were loud.  i just couldn't handle it.  i came home, shaking.  i survived i guess.  At least i had what i wanted for breakfast this morning because i did go. 

Today i have been very productive.  i even feel like i have a handle on things.  i vacuumed, i did the dishes, i put laundry away.  i tidied up my place.  i feel good about how i did today.  Tonight i am going to work on my homework for school.  School is on Friday, but i have a busy day tomorrow.  Tonight is the perfect night to work on my homework.

Well, the MIT should be home soon, so i should be going.  *grinning* This is me proud of myself again.

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Monday, November 06, 2006

Finding my limits

i made a list of stuff i wanted to get done today.  i had every intention of following that list.  i really did.  i even got a very important thing done off my list.  i went and got myself that watch. 

It is perfect.  It has 4 alarms (one for each meal/med time).  i got the strap i wanted and it was put on.  i am happy with it.  i am even wearing it now.  All the alarms are set.  i am very proud of myself for getting it.

What i didn't expect was it to take so much out of me.  Walking threw the mall was so hard.  i had my Mom drive me, and she helped me pick out my watch.  She also allowed me the freedom to look at the Christmas stuff or not.  She was great.  After that i was supposed to go and get groceries, and i just couldn't do it.  i felt totally exhausted and drained.  i was at the end of my rope, from just walking in the mall. 

i am proud that i got my watch, and proud that i knew when i was ready to go home.  i am proud i didn't push myself past the point of stress.  i am glad i didn't have to go home and collapse from feeling so out of it.  Sure i didn't get everything on my list done, but i am not snappy at the MIT.  i do not feel like my world is at an end again.  i do not feel totally out of control. 

i learned to listen to my body, heart, and head and not push myself too hard.  i learned what my limit of the day was.

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So, now that i have actually acknowledged the anger, i seem to be doing better.  i am also able to see what it is i need to do, to keep myself healthy and more in control.  Especially in control of those things i need to be in control of.  Here is my list

  • i am checking my blood sugars each morning and logging it someplace.

  • i am taking all my meds when it is time to (i am going to get a multiple alarm watch to help me with this) and logging it someplace.

  • i am eating 3 meals each day, plus a snack, and logging it someplace.

  • i am making a meals list to follow each week and logging it someplace.

  • i am cooking more often, instead of ordering take-out and logging it someplace

  • i am shopping for groceries once a week to get what is needed for that week.

  • i am vacuuming and dusting my living room every morning once the MIT leaves.

  • i am watering my plants every 2 days.

  • i am keeping my table clean at all times.

  • i am doing my dishes each afternoon, while waiting for the MIT to get home from school.

  • i am focusing one night a week to concentrate on homework from my Reflexolgy class.

  • i am asking my friends and family for help (to either go with me or just talk to me on the cell phone) with going out or with going shopping (especially when it is Christmas/Yule shopping) if i start to get anxious.

  • i am participating more in the DSSG organization that i have been neglecting of late.

  • i am finding something "interesting" in a group setting to do, to get me out of the house more often.

  • i am going to start going to the dealing with grief support group.

i know these are all things i can do.  i also know that by doing all these things, i will feel better, and more in control.  Getting a handle on my blood sugars, will help my mood.  Making sure i make lists and stick to them will help me financially.  Keeping up with house work will help me feel less chaotic where i should be able to relax.  Focusing on my studies will help me feel like i can actually accomplish the course.  Asking people for help will help me to cope with situations i am not ready to do on my own.  Getting back to my "duties" with the DSSG group will help me feel a part of it again, and not just an "add-on" as i have been seeing myself.  Joining a group to do fun stuff (might even be a craft group or something like that) will help me develop new connections with more people.  Going to the support group will give me a safe place to cry and feel angry and deal with so much of how i am feeling, especially this time of year. 

i have a plan now.  Something i haven't had in a very long time.  Something i used to count on someone else to help me with, but know that i can do on my own.  It is a good plan, and some of which is already in place.  Fridays are taken up doing school and therapy.  Thursdays are taken up earning some extra cash cleaning, for a special family.  Tuesday nights will soon be taken up by the support group.  All great steps in the right direction.

Now to just find that watch.  It has to be cool looking, and it has to have at least 4 alarms on it.  The hunt will begin tomorrow!

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Sunday, November 05, 2006


i decided maybe i was feeling out of sorts since i haven't meditated in a very long while.  Like since before Mike died.  Since i was teaching Him how to meditate.  Since way back in April.  So, i thought, why not.  See the thing about meditation, is sometimes it can calm you, and sometimes (like today) it can help you better understand how you are feeling.  What did i feel?  Anger.  Dark and black and hurtful anger.

Angry because i am 36 and here i am having to start over yet again.  Angry because i should be having to feel so alone at being only 36.  Angry at not having Mike here anymore.  Angry that i am not feeling in control.  Angry that i have to feel so much right now.  Angry that i am feeling angry.  Angry that i have been advised to join a grief support group.  Angry that i can't figure out to do with myself.  Angry that i am the one that has to buy my pajamas.  Angry that i had Mike's name still on my Christmas lists.  Angry that He isn't here to help me.  Angry that i have to figure all this out myself. (ok, i know i don't have to do this all on my own, and that i am not alone, but sometimes it just feels that way)

i used to think anger was something i could work with.  i could use it to motivate me.  i could use it to help me feel more in control.  i could use it to gain control if i was feeling out of control.  Not right now i can't.  Right now it is overwhelming me.  It is causing doubt and pushing my control issues button.  It is enveloping me.  Well that is how i feel. 

So i am angry.  Now what?

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Feeling out of sorts

i am having a weird day.  i feel lost and can't concentrate on anything.  i see stuff around my house i should be doing, but can't find the sense to actually do it.  Plants that need watering.  Laundry that needs to be put away.  Vacuuming needing to be done.  Dusting that has been neglected for a while.  Odds and ends that are just lying around.  Then there is the paperwork that needs to be done.  i am feeling anxious but stuck.  i have the munchies but am not hungry, and have no desire to actually cook.  It is like so much around me is out of control, that i can't find my control. 

The Nascar race is about to start and i don't even feel like sitting and watching it.  i don't want to go out for a drive.  i don't want to go to the store for anything.  i have projects in my head, but no desire to even start them. 

Ok, so, how to get more in control of things.  Turn on the lights.  Get some feeling of daytime in here.  Make a list.  i am good with lists.  Figure out what is important to me to get done in the next 4 hours before the MIT comes home. 

i just want to feel in control again.  i just want some little part of my house to be clean and organized and feel like i can actually relax and not just avoid.  i have been avoiding this place too much.  i have been avoiding sleeping under my covers, in my bed for too long.  i have been avoiding cleaning for fear of what i might find.  i have been avoiding of the idea that i will be cleaning Him out of the house.   i have been avoiding how i feel so much, and i think it is catching up with me again.  i hate feeling like this.

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Saturday, November 04, 2006

New assignment

i did go to therapy yesterday.  i walked in hyper and unsettled, and it never changed the entire time i was there.  i felt spastic.  i felt out of control.  i dug my finger nails into my hand.  i cried and begged for help.  i forgot that they are just there for me to help myself.

After asking over and over how i was to handle this "season" but getting the same answer, which was what did i think i should or could do, we came up with a couple of ideas

1) Never leave the house or vehicle again, except for things like appointment.  Not very practical or economical.  Yes i could use Grocery Gateway for food, or order in.  Yes i could stay in my van to actually get cash at drive thru tellers.  Yes i could only have my iPod playing when i was out of the house.  All options but like i said, not very practical or economical. 

2) Just fight my way through it.  Just block out how i have been feeling because it is weak of me to cry, and blubber, and not be able to do anything like go get groceries.  Just keep burying how i am feeling and deal with it on the other side.  Yeah, ok.  Like that is actually going to work.  Sure i could drink or self medicate myself all the way past the new year, but that would be no go for either the MIT or i.  Plus, why would i set myself up to fail like that

3) Ask for help.  Actually ask people i know that i know care for me to help me.  Ask people to go shopping with me, so that i am not doing it alone.  Ask people if i can just chat with them on the cell phone while i am shopping.  Ask people to drive me places.  Not just any people, but friends. 

So i chose option number 3.  And i hate it.  i feel so weak and vulnerable.  i feel like such a suck.  i feel like i should be "over it" and be able to do what needs to be done.  i could hear E's voice in my head while discussing this option.  "Would you think I was weak if i asked for help?"  "Would you think less of me it I was crying?".  i get that i hold myself to a higher standard than i expect for anyone else.  i get that i think i should be the one that is always there for others, and that i am strong.  i am finding i am not as strong as i think i need to be.  This is so hard for me.  i feel like i should be stronger and more able to handle it all.  Why can't i just be the one that others ask for help? 

So i asked for help.  i asked my Mom if she would be available to sometimes take me to go shopping so i wouldn't have to drive and didn't have to be alone sometimes.  i called and asked E if she would be ok with me asking her for help, and if she thought any less of me for doing so.  i talked to L and man, did i get an earful. 

She gave me a different way of looking at asking for help.  She said that maybe i would be making others happy by asking and letting them help me.  That i could be providing them a service by letting them help me.  That by asking friends for help, i was doing it for them, and not for myself. 

i'd like to say i could accept that other way of thinking, but then i am not allowing myself to help myself.  i am making it about others (which i could easily wrap my head around) and not myself, and actually avoid the idea that i am human and actually can have weak moments and actually require assistance from others.  This is something i do have to learn.  This is something i do have to embrace about myself.  It is going to be hard and i am not going to always like it, and i know i am going to learn this kicking and screaming.  i also know that it will not kill me to do this.  Heck, it might actually help me.

Ok, yes it will help me.  Crying doesn't make me weak.  Grieving 6 months after Mike's death is not to long.  Being human isn't a bad thing.  Letting myself feel things isn't a bad thing. 

(yes this is me trying to convince myself)

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Thursday, November 02, 2006

A little update

So, what is new with me....

i have an under the table job.  i presented a plan to a wonderful woman that would benefit both of us (plus some others in Her life), and i am now cleaning Her house once a week for actual money.  i was (and still am) so proud of myself.  i thought about it, laid out a plan, and presented it to Her.  i even said about getting paid, and presented Her with my rate.  i didn't just plain volunteer.  i didn't say i would do it for free.  i gave value to my time, and value to my abilities, and in so doing, gave myself something else to be proud of.  i started last week, and due to circumstances beyond anyone's control, had today off.  Two big changes in my life in the last 2 months.  (this is me beaming)

Halloween worked out in a weird way.  i didn't end up spending it alone, which is good. i spent it with friends.  Friends that needed me around just as much as i needed them around.  It all worked out well.  i helped out, i got smudged, i watched kids enjoy the night, and i buried an apple for Mike.  i feel good about how i celebrated Halloween.

Yesterday i went grocery shopping, and went down the deal isle.  No deals there, just lots of Christmas stuff.  i kinda freaked out, crying in the middle of the store.  i am not looking forward to this next 2 months.  Hell, i am hardly looking forward to tomorrow.  Christmas is going to be hard.  It already is.  Just seeing the decorations bothers me.  i just want to never go to a store for the next 2 months.  There really isn't anyway to do that (although i know i can order in groceries, order in my meds, stay in my van with my iPod on to get actual cash, etc.) since life must still go on.  i just wish i had some more time. 

Since i haven't got that luxury, i have to figure out how i am going to survive all this.  i need to plan and make lists.  Lots and lots of lists.  List of who i want to give gifts to.  What kind of gifts.  Where i am getting the gifts or the supplies for the gifts (if i am making them).  How much i have to spend and budget it accordingly.  Concentrate on stuff to do, and those that are here, and not concentrate so much on who isn't here anymore.  Easier thank it sounds.  Hard to put behind me.  i just know that if i don't do it this way, i will spiral again.  MIT can't deal with that.  Hell, i can't deal with that.  i guess i should bring this up in therapy tomorrow.

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