Sun, 16 Apr 2006

Dear Master

i did a little ritual last night, and some visualization. While i wait for them to come to life, i have decided to be the best submissive to You as i can be. So, i am going to go back to the rules that You set out in January. i am going to follow those i can, and accept that things are up to You. i am going to be who i am (Your submissive) and be who You have always needed me to be.

Just as a reminder, these are the rules i will be following:

Rules (January 2006)
1.Smoking.
a. Wendy is to ask for smokes at all times, either verbally or with hand signals. At His discretion, Mike will allow or not. If Mike says “no”, Wendy is to wait 1/2hr before asking again.

2.Clothes.
a. At Mike’s place, Wendy is to be naked at all times, unless Mike specifically tells her differently. b. At Wendy’s, if TJ is out, and no one else is home, Wendy is to be naked, unless Mike specifically tells her differently.
c. At home, if TJ is in bed, and no one else is there, Wendy is to be naked, unless Mike specifically tells her differently.
d. Mike will try and pick items if He is around.

3.Furniture
a. At Mike’s place, Wendy is to sit on the floor unless told otherwise. She may request to sit or lie on bed, but it is at Mike’s discretion.
b. At Wendy’s, when TJ is up and we are all together, Wendy can sit at the table, in the computer chair, or on the floor by the couch.
c. At Wendy’s, when TJ is in bed, or out, Wendy is to sit on the floor unless given permission to do otherwise. She may request to sit on furniture, but it is at Mike’s discretion.

4.Computer Time a. Between 5:30am and 11:30pm, if Mike is present, Wendy is to request permission to use the computer.

5.Bed Time
a. Sunday – Thursday 11:30pm (if Monday is a holiday, Sunday’s curfew is 1:00am), unless Mike specifically tells her differently.
b. Friday and Saturday 1:00am unless Mike specifically tells her differently.

6.Emails
a. Daily emails are to be sent the morning (before noon) of the next day and are to include:

• i. Food intake
• ii. Blood sugars (4/day)
• iii. Activities done throughout the day
• iv. Any tasks Mike has given Wendy to complete
• v. How Wendy is feeling about the day, things in general, and any play that has happened

b. Weekly emails are to be sent before 11:00pm Sunday evening and is to include: i. A “To Do” list for the upcoming week.

7.Exercise
a. One day a week, Wendy is to walk the mall after dropping Erin off at school.

8.Schedule
a. Friday

• i. If Mike goes to Kingston, he will leave after work or at a time of his choosing, and will call Wendy when he gets to Kingston.
• ii. If Mike stays in Hamilton, He will sleep at Wendy’s Friday night. After discussion with Wendy, Mike will decide what activities will take place.

b. Saturday

• i. If Mike is in Kingston, Mike will try and call Wendy.
• ii. If in Hamilton, and after TJ leaves, Mike will decide what activities will take place.

c. Sunday

• i. If Mike goes to Kingston
• 1. Mike will return at a time of his choosing.
• 2. If Mike is early, he will see Wendy for the afternoon (sometimes supper time).
• 3. If Mike is later, he will go to his apartment and call Wendy.
• 4. In the evening, Mike can do as he pleases, but will not have company over to his place.
• ii. If Mike is in Hamilton
• 1. Mike will stay at Wendy’s until the afternoon (sometimes supper time).
• 2. In the evening, Mike can do as he pleases, but will not have company over to his place.

d. Monday

• i. If Wendy has someone to watch TJ, she is to go to Mike’s place for a “play date”. Upon Wendy’s arrival, Mike will decide what activities will take place.
• ii. If Wendy does not have someone to watch TJ, Mike may or may not (depending on how tired he is) come up once TJ is in bed. Mike will decide what activities will take place and if he will be staying the night.

e. Tuesday

• i. Bowling / Munch night 1. D/s will take place while out. 2. Once home, Mike will decide if any activities will take place.

f. Wednesday

• i. Wendy is free to do, as she wants. Mike is free to do, as He wants.
• ii. If real life situations arise, this will change.

g. Thursday

• i. Mike will be at Wendy’s for supper.
• ii. If TJ goes to karate, Mike will decide what activities will take place.
• iii. If TJ stays home, this time will be devoted to “family time”.
• iv. Once TJ is in bed, Mike will decide what activities will take place.
• v. If Mike is going to Kingston for the weekend, he will sleep over.
• vi. If Mike is not going to Kingston, Mike will decide if he will sleep over.

So, those are the rules i am going to follow. i am also not going to say the "F" word. i am also going to see You without a bra. i am also going to ask to bath You. i am also going to dress right for bowling.

i am going to email You today and ask if i can start sending You emails again, and which email to send them too. i am not going to presume that it is ok to just do it. That would be more like topping from the bottom i am comfortable with. Hopefully You will say yes.

i am going to be the best submissive i can be for You, and maybe it will prove to You how much i love You and want to be Yours.

Sat, 15 Apr 2006

Mood: blue
Topic: How i feel

Dear Master,

i don't know if You read this anymore or not, but i need to say this out loud.

i want You to want me back. i want to submit to You. i want to give myself back to You. Just like i said the other night, i would do anything to make this possible. i would even submit to Sherry and You at the same time. i would even submit to Sherry. i would even appoligize to Sherry.

i know i screwed up in the relationship, and i know You are starting to realize that also. i am sorry for how i was. i am sorry for the high expectations i put on both of us. You say we should move forward, and i want that too. i just want to do it with You.

i know You want to play with others. That is not a new thing. i never ment to stop You. You would say to me that You wanted it to be both of us that played with new submissives. You would say You didn't want that. i would say for You to go out and play on Your own with them. i still feel that way. i want You to be who You are, i have always wanted that.

The past year has been so hard on us both. i want to get pasted it. i want to accept Sherry. i want You to accept me. i want to be back at Your feet. i need to be back at Your feet.

i hate feeling this needy. i hate feeling this broken. What i hate the worst of all is not being Yours. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and i took that for granted. i just want to be back where i belong, and i want You back where You belong. i need You back where You belong.

i know that You want that also. i see it in Your eyes whenever we are together. i hear it in Your voice whenever we are talking. i know the rules have to change. i know i will not like them all. i know alot of it has to do with You spending time elsewhere, but i can live with that. i will do whatever You want me to do.

Please Master, consider taking me back. i beg You Master, please

Sun, 9 Apr 2006

it will be 5 years ago this week that i took your collar. The one you offered to me. The one you promised would be forever. You have blocked me out of your life again. Your emails are no longer open to me. Your photos are no longer open to me. I shouldn't be suprised. i am not with you anymore, so i have no right to them. Yes you say i am your lover and that is the place in your life for me, but it isn't really being a part of your life. It is being there for you to fuck. It is being there for you to top when you want. It is being there for you to talk to when you want. It is being there for you to use my login for the spec. It is being there to be sad and alone on a Saturday night and a Sunday during a race. That is all it is. It means nothing. God i can't do this anymore. i can't keep crying over you. i can't keep hurting because of you. i saw that you are finally reading the Ethical Slut. You know, that book i gave you a year ago for you to read. A book i thought would be good for you to read to help us. A year ago. And now, now that we are not together, you are finally getting down to reading it. More proof that i'm not worth anything. Not even worth the time to read a fucking book for. How many more ways will you continue to prove just how worthless i really am, and how worthless our relationship was to you?