Since "his" (now known as C) arrest, E has been skirting the lines of harassment. She has been driving C's truck and parking it in her driveway. She has been staring at me when I am in back yard. She has been talking to my other neighbours about how they should be careful of their men, or I will try to get them, and then "cry" rape. I hate that people I have known for years would believe E over me. I hate going outside. I hate going in my backyard. I hate being here when she is here.
I am slowly facing my fear. The fear of people talking about me, and casting judgement. I have been going out front when she is not here. I have even been visiting (actually going to people's houses) my neighbours. I have been sitting out back when I know she is here. I have been letting those that come to me with the rumour, the truth. I have allowed those that know the truth, to also tell when they hear the other rumour.
I still get wicked panic attacks. I can only last so long outside before the panic sets in. The neighbours that know me, try to convince me to stay outside, because they "have my back", but that doesn't dissipate how panicky I feel. I know they are trying to help, but they don't get it. They say I will feel better once E moves. I am hoping that is true.
In real life, it isn't really E or C that I am afraid of. Well, yeah it is, but it is more than that. It is the fear that someone will make a pass at me. It is the fear about other people touching me. It is the fear of well meaning friends hugging me (it has happened, and continues to happen). It is the fear that I will hear the rumour and have to tell the truth.
I am facing those fears. I am approaching rather than running and hiding. I am doing opposite to emotion. K will be very proud of me. I am proud of me. Yes, it is hard. Yes, it still brings up panic attacks. Yes, I still have to come inside and take a breath or two. Still, I am facing my fears. I am checking my mail. I even sat outside last night, when E arrived in C's truck. Getting over that was sitting and colouring. Then I headed right back outside. So E had left already. I still made it back outside.
Tonight is an alone night with just Charlie and me. TJ will be sleeping at my Mom and Dad's as usual. Maybe tonight I will do something special for myself. I know I will be BBQing dinner, and letting Charlie have the bone. That is always fun to watch. I know I will be sitting outside as much as possible. I enjoy watching Charlie play outside. I may even take him to the dog park (that is if it doesn't get to hot, or starts raining). I have been reading again. Maybe I will sit out back with my BBQ still warm and read for a while.
I have not done any problem behaviour. I am craving it, but I am staying away from it. I so want to get drunk and confront either E or M (the mother that knows everything but how to raise her own kids). Then again I don't want to go to jail or get myself hurt.
Ok, time to head off to see what Charlie is doing. I think he is asleep on my bed again.
Showing posts with label Stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stress. Show all posts
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Hanging by a thread
That is how I have been feeling lately. Like I am hanging by a thread, and more and more weight is pulling, and pulling me to the point where I just can't hold on any longer.
First it was TJ in emergency. Second was Charlie getting neutered. Third was Charlie eating the razor. Forth was TJ's change in his room (will talk about this) Fifth was TJ not eating (will talk about this). Sixth was the washing machine breaking. Seventh was the van needing making grinding noises when breaking (will talk about this also). Eighth was the van going in and the estimate for that (will talk about). Ninth was Dad "fixing" my washing machine (will talk about). Tenth is my Mom yelling at me at every turn.
So, on the 16th, Mom and Dad came over and put a new TV in TJ's room. That should have been no big deal. The big deal was that Dad needed my help to install the TV and digital cable box. It just wouldn't work. Add Mom being bossy, Charlie needing help, and TJ watching "on demand" all at the same time, and me feeling like I being pulled in so many directions. I had to actually yell about someone taking Charlie out of the house for a short bit, so I could actually help Dad.
On the 17th (and partly the 16th) TJ decided that his stomach hurt / was upset and he couldn't eat. He was still drinking, but wouldn't eat anything. It was thought that he gave eating up for lent, but that wasn't really what happened. He has stopped telling us when his head is hurting, because none of me medications he can take, help his head. Going along with this, migraines make his stomach yucky. Tuesday I was really scared. Kept TJ home Wednesday (the 23, turned out to be a snow day) so I could take him to the doctor's. That was a flop, so I kept him home on Thursday (24) and was able to get him seen. The doctor gave him Boost. I have convinced TJ that Boost is a medicine lie what they gave Charlie after his surgery, to coat the stomach, and make it feel better. Since drinking the first bottle Thursday at lunch, TJ has had pizza Thursday night, oatmeal and hot chocolate Friday morning, his second dose of Boost and pizza for lunch on Friday, and pigged out at my Nana's house. So I am feeling much better about all that.
Wednesday (the 23) morning I put a load in the washing machine, and it broke. The agitator stopped. I told my parents. Dad decided he wanted to come over and fix it. So I now have TJ home from school, and Dad here, along with caring for Charlie. TJ is settled in his room, so he isn't a problem, but Charlie still needs to stay out of Dad's way, and be kept happy. Eventually, Dad figures out the part that is the problem (4 hours later) and so we clean up the kitchen so Charlie can run free, but TJ is still home and the nurse is supposed to be here, so I can take Charlie out for a walk. Nurse cancels, because she has had a car accident. I get yelled at Mom for not being nice to Dad, and then hung up on when Mom doesn't like that I put the phone to Dad's ear to tell her I have been nice, and I am stressed. No walk for Charlie or for me. Hanging by a thread.
Thursday I am supposed to see Karen. Instead, that is the time I can take TJ in to see the doctor. Doctor gives us the magic Boost. I call Karen to cancel, and start crying on the phone because everything is feeling like a weight on me. Take TJ to the doctor. Solve the eating problem because I am still able to manipulate TJ, and then Dad takes my van in to get an estimate. I give him the instructions on what ODSP needs if they are going to help pay for the repairs. 3 hours later, Dad finally goes and picks-up the van, and brings back a copy of the fax they sent. It doesn't have my name on it. That has to be on it for ODSP to consider it. Call ODSP, then call Ford back, and have them re-fax the estimate.
Today (Friday 25), TJ goes to school and me more relaxed because he ate breakfast. I have a dentist appointment, go and then come home. Dad now comes over to fix the washing machine. This kills my schedule with Charlie, and means Charlie is on leash in the house. Dad takes from 1:30 - 4:30 to get the job done, but while working on it, another part falls out, and Dad gets hurt. Mom calls I am frustrated because it feels like the washer won't get fixed and is actually getting worse. She calls and starts yelling at me. TJ comes home. Mom calls again, talks to TJ, asks to talk to me, yells at me and I hang up. Mom comes to pick-up TJ and tells me how frustrated she was when she was yelling at me, and I explain how frustrated I was when she was yelling at me, and Dad says we are all done with it, and Mom walks away saying "I don't think so".
Dad comforts me. The washer is working (then we find 2 screws - don't ask). He leaves, and I run a load through the machine. Charlie and I have dinner, and then we lie down on my bed and fall asleep. TJ comes home early from karate (I didn't answer the phone when Mom called to let me know this is happening). I put Charlie in his crate (since it is crate time) and stay lying in bed until 10:45 when I finally put TJ to bed.
And so now, I am awake. I will be heading back to bed soon. I need to make sure I am ok for taking Charlie over to Mom and Dad's for play time tomorrow.
The good news is, I have not done any problem behaviour. I have really wanted to. I mean, really, really want to. Even right now, I would love to cut. I would love to just take enough pills to not wake-up tomorrow. I would even add booze to the pills. I am not doing this. I am sleeping a lot (not a good thing) but I am not doing any problem behaviour. Karen says that is a good thing. I have also been effective during all of this. I have called ODSP about the van. I have taken TJ to the doctor. I have hit or killed anyone. My washer is fixed. TJ is "fixed". Soon the van will be fixed. I guess that means the DBT therapy is working. I hate that I am crying so much. I hate that I can't just push my feelings aside and become that robot I used to be. It feels like it makes my thread a little thinner.
Thelma is scheduled to come tomorrow.
Earth day is tomorrow, and I intend to celebrate it the same way I always do. Candles and a fire out back. Maybe that will help me to relax and start to feel normal again.
First it was TJ in emergency. Second was Charlie getting neutered. Third was Charlie eating the razor. Forth was TJ's change in his room (will talk about this) Fifth was TJ not eating (will talk about this). Sixth was the washing machine breaking. Seventh was the van needing making grinding noises when breaking (will talk about this also). Eighth was the van going in and the estimate for that (will talk about). Ninth was Dad "fixing" my washing machine (will talk about). Tenth is my Mom yelling at me at every turn.
So, on the 16th, Mom and Dad came over and put a new TV in TJ's room. That should have been no big deal. The big deal was that Dad needed my help to install the TV and digital cable box. It just wouldn't work. Add Mom being bossy, Charlie needing help, and TJ watching "on demand" all at the same time, and me feeling like I being pulled in so many directions. I had to actually yell about someone taking Charlie out of the house for a short bit, so I could actually help Dad.
On the 17th (and partly the 16th) TJ decided that his stomach hurt / was upset and he couldn't eat. He was still drinking, but wouldn't eat anything. It was thought that he gave eating up for lent, but that wasn't really what happened. He has stopped telling us when his head is hurting, because none of me medications he can take, help his head. Going along with this, migraines make his stomach yucky. Tuesday I was really scared. Kept TJ home Wednesday (the 23, turned out to be a snow day) so I could take him to the doctor's. That was a flop, so I kept him home on Thursday (24) and was able to get him seen. The doctor gave him Boost. I have convinced TJ that Boost is a medicine lie what they gave Charlie after his surgery, to coat the stomach, and make it feel better. Since drinking the first bottle Thursday at lunch, TJ has had pizza Thursday night, oatmeal and hot chocolate Friday morning, his second dose of Boost and pizza for lunch on Friday, and pigged out at my Nana's house. So I am feeling much better about all that.
Wednesday (the 23) morning I put a load in the washing machine, and it broke. The agitator stopped. I told my parents. Dad decided he wanted to come over and fix it. So I now have TJ home from school, and Dad here, along with caring for Charlie. TJ is settled in his room, so he isn't a problem, but Charlie still needs to stay out of Dad's way, and be kept happy. Eventually, Dad figures out the part that is the problem (4 hours later) and so we clean up the kitchen so Charlie can run free, but TJ is still home and the nurse is supposed to be here, so I can take Charlie out for a walk. Nurse cancels, because she has had a car accident. I get yelled at Mom for not being nice to Dad, and then hung up on when Mom doesn't like that I put the phone to Dad's ear to tell her I have been nice, and I am stressed. No walk for Charlie or for me. Hanging by a thread.
Thursday I am supposed to see Karen. Instead, that is the time I can take TJ in to see the doctor. Doctor gives us the magic Boost. I call Karen to cancel, and start crying on the phone because everything is feeling like a weight on me. Take TJ to the doctor. Solve the eating problem because I am still able to manipulate TJ, and then Dad takes my van in to get an estimate. I give him the instructions on what ODSP needs if they are going to help pay for the repairs. 3 hours later, Dad finally goes and picks-up the van, and brings back a copy of the fax they sent. It doesn't have my name on it. That has to be on it for ODSP to consider it. Call ODSP, then call Ford back, and have them re-fax the estimate.
Today (Friday 25), TJ goes to school and me more relaxed because he ate breakfast. I have a dentist appointment, go and then come home. Dad now comes over to fix the washing machine. This kills my schedule with Charlie, and means Charlie is on leash in the house. Dad takes from 1:30 - 4:30 to get the job done, but while working on it, another part falls out, and Dad gets hurt. Mom calls I am frustrated because it feels like the washer won't get fixed and is actually getting worse. She calls and starts yelling at me. TJ comes home. Mom calls again, talks to TJ, asks to talk to me, yells at me and I hang up. Mom comes to pick-up TJ and tells me how frustrated she was when she was yelling at me, and I explain how frustrated I was when she was yelling at me, and Dad says we are all done with it, and Mom walks away saying "I don't think so".
Dad comforts me. The washer is working (then we find 2 screws - don't ask). He leaves, and I run a load through the machine. Charlie and I have dinner, and then we lie down on my bed and fall asleep. TJ comes home early from karate (I didn't answer the phone when Mom called to let me know this is happening). I put Charlie in his crate (since it is crate time) and stay lying in bed until 10:45 when I finally put TJ to bed.
And so now, I am awake. I will be heading back to bed soon. I need to make sure I am ok for taking Charlie over to Mom and Dad's for play time tomorrow.
The good news is, I have not done any problem behaviour. I have really wanted to. I mean, really, really want to. Even right now, I would love to cut. I would love to just take enough pills to not wake-up tomorrow. I would even add booze to the pills. I am not doing this. I am sleeping a lot (not a good thing) but I am not doing any problem behaviour. Karen says that is a good thing. I have also been effective during all of this. I have called ODSP about the van. I have taken TJ to the doctor. I have hit or killed anyone. My washer is fixed. TJ is "fixed". Soon the van will be fixed. I guess that means the DBT therapy is working. I hate that I am crying so much. I hate that I can't just push my feelings aside and become that robot I used to be. It feels like it makes my thread a little thinner.
Thelma is scheduled to come tomorrow.
Earth day is tomorrow, and I intend to celebrate it the same way I always do. Candles and a fire out back. Maybe that will help me to relax and start to feel normal again.
Sunday, March 06, 2011
The day after.
Yesterday was very tough. The nurse called 911 because TJ was showing different seizure activity. I actually cried when the first responders (FD) showed up. I was scared because TJ just wasn't right. We spent the day at the hospital. Mom and Dad took TJ home with them.
I came home and had planned on going for a walk with Charlie (who had been locked up in his crate once 911 was called). I had planned on then going to bed. It didn't happen. I needed more. I needed to feel comforted. I needed to not feel. So I ordered in food and ate and ate.
That means today, I get to start filling in a behaviour chain. It is not supposed to be a punishment. It is to be a learning tool. To learn why I made the decission that I did, and how to make it easier not to make the same decision next time. So, now I am learning why I needed to eat so much to make me feel better.
I know why. I wanted comfort. I wanted to feel over full instead of sad and guilty and scared and out of control over the entire hospital visit. I wanted to escape from feeling for a while. So, that is what I did.
As to how not to do it again next time, I have no idea right now. I am not doing it tonight, and I really want to. I want to order in KFC and just binge on all that fat and hot stuff for the night.
I came home and had planned on going for a walk with Charlie (who had been locked up in his crate once 911 was called). I had planned on then going to bed. It didn't happen. I needed more. I needed to feel comforted. I needed to not feel. So I ordered in food and ate and ate.
That means today, I get to start filling in a behaviour chain. It is not supposed to be a punishment. It is to be a learning tool. To learn why I made the decission that I did, and how to make it easier not to make the same decision next time. So, now I am learning why I needed to eat so much to make me feel better.
I know why. I wanted comfort. I wanted to feel over full instead of sad and guilty and scared and out of control over the entire hospital visit. I wanted to escape from feeling for a while. So, that is what I did.
As to how not to do it again next time, I have no idea right now. I am not doing it tonight, and I really want to. I want to order in KFC and just binge on all that fat and hot stuff for the night.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Control / Perfection issues
So I am still having problems walking Charlie. I am so frustrated, I have made calls to different trainers. They all cost hundreds of dollars. I can't afford that, so I keep trudging along hoping I am doing ok at this. In the house, he has calmed so much, and I have full control. Outside, in the front and beyond, not the same story.
I talked to my Mom about this. She reminded me of how I was obsessed with making sure I was a perfect Mom to TJ. That I didn't (and still don't) want to be what most people see as a single Mother. What most people see as a mother of a disabled child. That I have to appear perfect. That if he acted out in public, I was horrified. I felt like (and still do) a really bad mother, and what everyone thinks of, when they hear about a single mom.
She is right. I want to be perfect at this. I want his life (Charlie's) and TJ's life to be what they deserve. They deserve to be happy and to not show any form of contention. I don't like hearing from others how to raise either of them. I don't like hearing how I need to just be me and back off a little. I don't like hearing how they would do it, if it was them.
I don't like hearing it, because they have no idea what it is like to be in my shoes. They have no idea how hard it is to balance (with TJ) a sense of perfection, and a sense of self. They have no idea how hard it is to get a puggle to walk on a leash with a bad back from lifting and moving TJ around. They all just have no idea.
Add to that, my insane need to be perfect and in control. Yes Charlie has come a long way from where he was when he first got here, but I feel like he should be walking so much better on a leash. The fact that I saw a boy about 10 years old, walking a puppy without any problems, doesn't help.
I hate doubting myself, but that is where I am again tonight. Full of doubt, and looking for control and perfection.
I talked to my Mom about this. She reminded me of how I was obsessed with making sure I was a perfect Mom to TJ. That I didn't (and still don't) want to be what most people see as a single Mother. What most people see as a mother of a disabled child. That I have to appear perfect. That if he acted out in public, I was horrified. I felt like (and still do) a really bad mother, and what everyone thinks of, when they hear about a single mom.
She is right. I want to be perfect at this. I want his life (Charlie's) and TJ's life to be what they deserve. They deserve to be happy and to not show any form of contention. I don't like hearing from others how to raise either of them. I don't like hearing how I need to just be me and back off a little. I don't like hearing how they would do it, if it was them.
I don't like hearing it, because they have no idea what it is like to be in my shoes. They have no idea how hard it is to balance (with TJ) a sense of perfection, and a sense of self. They have no idea how hard it is to get a puggle to walk on a leash with a bad back from lifting and moving TJ around. They all just have no idea.
Add to that, my insane need to be perfect and in control. Yes Charlie has come a long way from where he was when he first got here, but I feel like he should be walking so much better on a leash. The fact that I saw a boy about 10 years old, walking a puppy without any problems, doesn't help.
I hate doubting myself, but that is where I am again tonight. Full of doubt, and looking for control and perfection.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Life goes on
Yesterday, I drove Joseph part way to the bus station, before he pissed me off even more, because he lied to me again.
Last weekend, I caught Joseph in a really big lie. Money related, manipulative, bald face lie. I gave him another chance. Saturday, he lied again. It was a stupid, little lie, but still a lie. One that cost me money again. Was totally disrespectful. I realized he wasn't worth my respect, time, love or anything. I told him to put on his shoes and that he was going home. On the way to the bus station, he said that it was my fault that TJ was going to be upset. That I was causing TJ pain because I was breaking up with Joseph. That was when I pulled over and kicked him out of the car, and didn't care how he got home at that point.
Today, I am proud of myself. I stood up for myself. I decided I deserve more than being lied to. I decided I deserve more than just someone who says they love me, verses someone that shows me they love and respect me. That is how much I have come to love myself. How much I like myself.
I cooked up a bunch of meat, and now have meals ready for over a week. I did go out and buy a cake, but came home and threw it out before having any. (Yay to not doing maladaptive behaviour!!!) I have gotten down to almost what I weighed when I got out of hospital back in March. I am going to keep going that way. It makes my back feel better when I am lighter. That and the prepared meals, and I am good to go.
I am proud of myself. I am happy. I don't need anyone else in my life, and am not going to look for it anymore. If someone falls into my lap, and they treat me the way I deserve, than maybe I will consider it. Until then, I am holding my head high.
Last weekend, I caught Joseph in a really big lie. Money related, manipulative, bald face lie. I gave him another chance. Saturday, he lied again. It was a stupid, little lie, but still a lie. One that cost me money again. Was totally disrespectful. I realized he wasn't worth my respect, time, love or anything. I told him to put on his shoes and that he was going home. On the way to the bus station, he said that it was my fault that TJ was going to be upset. That I was causing TJ pain because I was breaking up with Joseph. That was when I pulled over and kicked him out of the car, and didn't care how he got home at that point.
Today, I am proud of myself. I stood up for myself. I decided I deserve more than being lied to. I decided I deserve more than just someone who says they love me, verses someone that shows me they love and respect me. That is how much I have come to love myself. How much I like myself.
I cooked up a bunch of meat, and now have meals ready for over a week. I did go out and buy a cake, but came home and threw it out before having any. (Yay to not doing maladaptive behaviour!!!) I have gotten down to almost what I weighed when I got out of hospital back in March. I am going to keep going that way. It makes my back feel better when I am lighter. That and the prepared meals, and I am good to go.
I am proud of myself. I am happy. I don't need anyone else in my life, and am not going to look for it anymore. If someone falls into my lap, and they treat me the way I deserve, than maybe I will consider it. Until then, I am holding my head high.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Up early in the morning
Since I was up, and I just realized I hadn't done an entry for yesterday, I thought now would be a good time.
Yesterday was good. I went to the doctor, for my usual bi-weekly appointment. Blood pressure, very good. Weight, down a bit. Back pain, new drugs. Other than that, all is good with my body. Just wish my back pain would go away.
TJ and I had a good day. Quiet times around the house. If I felt my temper or voice rising, I would take a deep breath and make things playful. Changed channels on him just because. Made my voice and what we were doing into a joke. I kept things light and ended up not yelling at him at all.
Then, as I was getting ready for bed, my anxiety rose. Today I am supposed to tell Sandy about the PTSD symptoms, and tell her the incident that caused them. I am not looking forward to that. I feel that it is one of the reasons I am up at this time of day.
So, to keep calm, and not panic, I am doing a load of laundry so TJ has clothes for when he goes to Rygiel House this weekend. I am taking naps, so I am not so tired. I am planning my courses of action for today so when the anxiety rises, I don't do any of my maladaptive behaviour. This is called IMPROVE the moment.
IMPROVE stands for
Imagery - imagine hurtful emotions draining out of you like water out of a pipe as you breath deeply
Meaning - fine the purpose in this pain, like telling Sandy so we can treat the symptoms
Prayer - go outside and commune with nature works with me. Opening myself up by asking the Goddess and God to help bear the pain
Relaxation - having a cup of herbal tea and breathing deeply when ever I get the chance. Breath while in the shower or out back. Relax my muscles in the shower.
One thing in the moment - focus on what I am doing while I am doing it. Be mindful of what I am doing. Don't start thinking of what I am going to speak to Sandy about
Vacation - take mini breaks like going out back and reading (my oasis).
Encourage - cheer myself on with telling myself that I can do this. I lived this physically, it is now time to live it out loud. Make a plan and tell myself how good of a plan it is and that it will all work out.
So, for me herbal tea in the morning instead of caffine (caffine raises anxiety). Taking time outs and going out back for a breather (waiting 1 min before having a smoke). Putting laundry away. Packing TJ's bags and wheelchair up, for when he goes to Rygiel. Telling my self that I can do this without anything extra in my system (sugar, pills, etc). Going out back to read. Maybe do my nails while Sis is here.
So that is what I am going to do later today. Time to change over the laundry and go back to bed for a few hours.
Yesterday was good. I went to the doctor, for my usual bi-weekly appointment. Blood pressure, very good. Weight, down a bit. Back pain, new drugs. Other than that, all is good with my body. Just wish my back pain would go away.
TJ and I had a good day. Quiet times around the house. If I felt my temper or voice rising, I would take a deep breath and make things playful. Changed channels on him just because. Made my voice and what we were doing into a joke. I kept things light and ended up not yelling at him at all.
Then, as I was getting ready for bed, my anxiety rose. Today I am supposed to tell Sandy about the PTSD symptoms, and tell her the incident that caused them. I am not looking forward to that. I feel that it is one of the reasons I am up at this time of day.
So, to keep calm, and not panic, I am doing a load of laundry so TJ has clothes for when he goes to Rygiel House this weekend. I am taking naps, so I am not so tired. I am planning my courses of action for today so when the anxiety rises, I don't do any of my maladaptive behaviour. This is called IMPROVE the moment.
IMPROVE stands for
Imagery - imagine hurtful emotions draining out of you like water out of a pipe as you breath deeply
Meaning - fine the purpose in this pain, like telling Sandy so we can treat the symptoms
Prayer - go outside and commune with nature works with me. Opening myself up by asking the Goddess and God to help bear the pain
Relaxation - having a cup of herbal tea and breathing deeply when ever I get the chance. Breath while in the shower or out back. Relax my muscles in the shower.
One thing in the moment - focus on what I am doing while I am doing it. Be mindful of what I am doing. Don't start thinking of what I am going to speak to Sandy about
Vacation - take mini breaks like going out back and reading (my oasis).
Encourage - cheer myself on with telling myself that I can do this. I lived this physically, it is now time to live it out loud. Make a plan and tell myself how good of a plan it is and that it will all work out.
So, for me herbal tea in the morning instead of caffine (caffine raises anxiety). Taking time outs and going out back for a breather (waiting 1 min before having a smoke). Putting laundry away. Packing TJ's bags and wheelchair up, for when he goes to Rygiel. Telling my self that I can do this without anything extra in my system (sugar, pills, etc). Going out back to read. Maybe do my nails while Sis is here.
So that is what I am going to do later today. Time to change over the laundry and go back to bed for a few hours.
Sunday, March 07, 2010
Away and hiding (medically hiding)
So my symptoms made it impossible for me to take care of myself. The doctor finally got me to agree to go to the hospital. That is where i have been since Feb. 1st.
First was 2 weeks at the General. They ruled out stroke, MS, brain issues, and spinal inflammation. All good to know, because any of those would have meant not being able to get better. They determined it was something called "Conversion"
Conversion is when your body manifests emotional issues. Take for the example that i have been saying no to going into the hospital for my emotional issues for quite some time. my brain finally said "screw you, you have to go get help". So, off i go to St. Joe's for some intensive therapy.
i went in to St. Joe's without being able to walk, use my arm, feel anything on my left side, and not being able to see out of my left eye, or hear out of my left ear. Tomorrow i get discharged. i can now walk, hear, see, feel the keys beneath my fingers, feel pain, hot and cold, and act like a normal person. i also know i have certain things i need to work on.
i am taking something called DBT. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It is a new way of thinking about what to do during crisis, and then taking the time to feel the emotions later. They teach mindfulness, wise mind, and ways of handling situations without avoiding them. Of course this type of behaviour therapy counts a lot on lessening stresses. Things like getting more sleep is a big one. Taking the time to feel is also a big one for me.
So far so good though. Last weekend was full of panic. This weekend, i only got panicked going to get groceries. People asking me a lot of questions is also a stresses. So is to much noise. i have the techniques to deal with these as they happen. Playing my ipod while i shopped. Taking someone with me while i shopped. Deep breathing, counting to 10 while staring at cans of soup as if i was choosing one. All ways i was able to complete my shopping and not freak out totally.
While in hospital, i had a bonus reaction. my blood sugars are under control. i just have to not fall on old habits, like eating when i am stressed, and they will stay that way.
my biggest issue to deal with is something called Radical Acceptance. It is when you deal with the pain of the reality of a situation, so you don't "wallow" in it, and the suffering of it can go away. That brought up a lot of issues surrounding Mike, TJ, and the death of others i know and am close to.
i know i am not "fixed", but i have the tools to help.
Oh, and i met quite a few "interesting" people at St. Joe's. The staff were great. my favourite nurses were Barb, Pam, Danielle, George, Steve, and Alissandra, just to name a few. The food lady (some call the "Soup Nazi") Jane was wonderful. i actually made friends with one patient. Penny. She reminds me of E. She can listen, not pass judgement, and not try to fix me, just as i can listen to her in the same way. Paul was a blessing. Michael was interesting. Crystal who i hope gets better soon. Ester who needs to find her big voice. Catherine who went to a group home and i hope learns how to share the TV.
Then there are those i am glad to be away from. Cole (who can't learn how to shut up), Christy (who believes the cops are out to get her), Maurine (who makes up being sick at the drop of a hat...she even believed she had something called Tommy Hilfiger disease), and old lady Patricia (doesn't know how to shut up if her life depended on it).
Tomorrow i get discharged. i am scared. i am worried. i am excited. i am nervous. i am ready. i worry about taking back the burden of caring for my son, and experiencing feelings again.
First was 2 weeks at the General. They ruled out stroke, MS, brain issues, and spinal inflammation. All good to know, because any of those would have meant not being able to get better. They determined it was something called "Conversion"
Conversion is when your body manifests emotional issues. Take for the example that i have been saying no to going into the hospital for my emotional issues for quite some time. my brain finally said "screw you, you have to go get help". So, off i go to St. Joe's for some intensive therapy.
i went in to St. Joe's without being able to walk, use my arm, feel anything on my left side, and not being able to see out of my left eye, or hear out of my left ear. Tomorrow i get discharged. i can now walk, hear, see, feel the keys beneath my fingers, feel pain, hot and cold, and act like a normal person. i also know i have certain things i need to work on.
i am taking something called DBT. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It is a new way of thinking about what to do during crisis, and then taking the time to feel the emotions later. They teach mindfulness, wise mind, and ways of handling situations without avoiding them. Of course this type of behaviour therapy counts a lot on lessening stresses. Things like getting more sleep is a big one. Taking the time to feel is also a big one for me.
So far so good though. Last weekend was full of panic. This weekend, i only got panicked going to get groceries. People asking me a lot of questions is also a stresses. So is to much noise. i have the techniques to deal with these as they happen. Playing my ipod while i shopped. Taking someone with me while i shopped. Deep breathing, counting to 10 while staring at cans of soup as if i was choosing one. All ways i was able to complete my shopping and not freak out totally.
While in hospital, i had a bonus reaction. my blood sugars are under control. i just have to not fall on old habits, like eating when i am stressed, and they will stay that way.
my biggest issue to deal with is something called Radical Acceptance. It is when you deal with the pain of the reality of a situation, so you don't "wallow" in it, and the suffering of it can go away. That brought up a lot of issues surrounding Mike, TJ, and the death of others i know and am close to.
i know i am not "fixed", but i have the tools to help.
Oh, and i met quite a few "interesting" people at St. Joe's. The staff were great. my favourite nurses were Barb, Pam, Danielle, George, Steve, and Alissandra, just to name a few. The food lady (some call the "Soup Nazi") Jane was wonderful. i actually made friends with one patient. Penny. She reminds me of E. She can listen, not pass judgement, and not try to fix me, just as i can listen to her in the same way. Paul was a blessing. Michael was interesting. Crystal who i hope gets better soon. Ester who needs to find her big voice. Catherine who went to a group home and i hope learns how to share the TV.
Then there are those i am glad to be away from. Cole (who can't learn how to shut up), Christy (who believes the cops are out to get her), Maurine (who makes up being sick at the drop of a hat...she even believed she had something called Tommy Hilfiger disease), and old lady Patricia (doesn't know how to shut up if her life depended on it).
Tomorrow i get discharged. i am scared. i am worried. i am excited. i am nervous. i am ready. i worry about taking back the burden of caring for my son, and experiencing feelings again.
Monday, November 30, 2009
The Season is Upon Us...
Well, starting tomorrow that is. Today is about paying bills and getting groceries, and figuring out when to get what gifts for each person on my list. Today is also about getting the "pre-tree" decorations up from the basement. Today is starting to write out holiday cards, and wait for the school to deliver the photos of the MIT. Tomorrow is when i start to decorate.
i decorate my desk, entertainment center, walls, kitchen, and even the bathroom. The only rooms i don't decorate are the bedrooms. There must always be a place for escape from the stress of the season.
i already have every one's gifts picked out. i just have to go and get them all. i know, i have to leave the house, and actually go into stores. Not my favourite activity, but one that must be done. Then hiding in my non-decorated room for a little.
This year, i am not baking. i refuse. i usually end up hurting myself if i bake. i don't want that to happen. Plus, i just don't need the added stress. i may decide later to bake a few cookies, but not likely.
This year is about being as less stressed. This year is about enjoying the (soon to come) snow. This year is about remembering last year and previous years. This year is about enjoying those i love and that love me.
i decorate my desk, entertainment center, walls, kitchen, and even the bathroom. The only rooms i don't decorate are the bedrooms. There must always be a place for escape from the stress of the season.
i already have every one's gifts picked out. i just have to go and get them all. i know, i have to leave the house, and actually go into stores. Not my favourite activity, but one that must be done. Then hiding in my non-decorated room for a little.
This year, i am not baking. i refuse. i usually end up hurting myself if i bake. i don't want that to happen. Plus, i just don't need the added stress. i may decide later to bake a few cookies, but not likely.
This year is about being as less stressed. This year is about enjoying the (soon to come) snow. This year is about remembering last year and previous years. This year is about enjoying those i love and that love me.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Less than 2 weeks left.
We have been doing "back to school" stuff lately. We have all the supplies. We have gotten the MIT's hair cut and coloured again (this year he is a redhead with an army cut). We have gotten His teeth checked (2 cavities). Today is a doctor's visit. All the stuff for Him to be ready to return to school. i am so excited.
Soon i will be able to catch a sleep after He leaves for school. Soon i will not have to take Him to get groceries or anything, i can do it while He is at school. It is a freeing time of year. Yes i am still on call. Yes i still have to worry about Him getting hurt or having really bad days, but it is freeing.
i have been thinking very hard about L lately. God i miss Her. i can't make the first move though. i can't contact Her before She, if ever, contacts me. See, in my eyes, She pulled from me. She took me off Her friends lists (FB and FL). She stopped accepting emails from me. She couldn't even bring Herself to drop off my stuff to me. God that hurt. i still remember Her words in our final email to each other. The words hurt so much. So, no. i can't contact Her.
If She contacted me? Wow, i would be elated. i would answer Her in a moment. i would respond, and i would go see Her and wrap my arms around Her and tell Her it would be alright, and i would tell Her how proud i am of Her. i would offer Her what ever i had to give. myself, my service, my shoulder, my talents. i am already doing some of it. i am watching. i wonder if She is watching me?
P has been around a lot lately. i appreciate the attention. i know part of it is to bring me back out and around. i have been hiding this summer. Heck, i have been hiding from everyone, even M from the neighbourhood. She is still in the thralls of her relationship. She only calls or comes over when she wants something. i don't need that. i have only enough energy to give, and she is not someone i really want to give it to.
i feel like i am babbling. Like i am not staying on any topic. i had better go and settle my thoughts and myself a little. i have been really unsettled lately.
Soon i will be able to catch a sleep after He leaves for school. Soon i will not have to take Him to get groceries or anything, i can do it while He is at school. It is a freeing time of year. Yes i am still on call. Yes i still have to worry about Him getting hurt or having really bad days, but it is freeing.
i have been thinking very hard about L lately. God i miss Her. i can't make the first move though. i can't contact Her before She, if ever, contacts me. See, in my eyes, She pulled from me. She took me off Her friends lists (FB and FL). She stopped accepting emails from me. She couldn't even bring Herself to drop off my stuff to me. God that hurt. i still remember Her words in our final email to each other. The words hurt so much. So, no. i can't contact Her.
If She contacted me? Wow, i would be elated. i would answer Her in a moment. i would respond, and i would go see Her and wrap my arms around Her and tell Her it would be alright, and i would tell Her how proud i am of Her. i would offer Her what ever i had to give. myself, my service, my shoulder, my talents. i am already doing some of it. i am watching. i wonder if She is watching me?
P has been around a lot lately. i appreciate the attention. i know part of it is to bring me back out and around. i have been hiding this summer. Heck, i have been hiding from everyone, even M from the neighbourhood. She is still in the thralls of her relationship. She only calls or comes over when she wants something. i don't need that. i have only enough energy to give, and she is not someone i really want to give it to.
i feel like i am babbling. Like i am not staying on any topic. i had better go and settle my thoughts and myself a little. i have been really unsettled lately.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Yawning and Tired
i have been up all night again. It happens every night the MIT is home. This night was bad. Lots of stopping breathing. Lots of low heart rates. i had to do AR on Him. That is two nights in a row. Nights suck.
i have been wearing my "dress" cuffs almost daily. i am getting that urge again. That one to find someone. The urge and need to feel connected to someone physically and mentally, and even sexually. It doesn't happen often. i have a "fantasy Master" right now. When i do get to sleep, my brain goes to him. He is a real person. He isn't anyone i know. He is just the figure head in my dreams.
The fantasies always pertain to service and objectification. Being a table for him to eat off of. Being an ashtray holder in the corner. Making sure i have taken care of my personal hygiene and stuff before making him breakfast and serving it to him. No sex. Little pain. All about service and being an object. Even being at his beck and call feels like being an object in my dreams. Then again, in my dreams i can kneel for hours on end without my feet falling asleep or my knees hurting me. Fantasies and dreams are good that way.
i guess i am feeling like the pain is secondary to the service. Then again, i have often felt that way.
i have been wearing my "dress" cuffs almost daily. i am getting that urge again. That one to find someone. The urge and need to feel connected to someone physically and mentally, and even sexually. It doesn't happen often. i have a "fantasy Master" right now. When i do get to sleep, my brain goes to him. He is a real person. He isn't anyone i know. He is just the figure head in my dreams.
The fantasies always pertain to service and objectification. Being a table for him to eat off of. Being an ashtray holder in the corner. Making sure i have taken care of my personal hygiene and stuff before making him breakfast and serving it to him. No sex. Little pain. All about service and being an object. Even being at his beck and call feels like being an object in my dreams. Then again, in my dreams i can kneel for hours on end without my feet falling asleep or my knees hurting me. Fantasies and dreams are good that way.
i guess i am feeling like the pain is secondary to the service. Then again, i have often felt that way.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Quiting and Tubes
So, today i set a quit date. i picked the 25th of Feb. i then talked to my Dad and he suggested i join one of the many "free" quit smoking thingies. So i called. Suffice it to say, i am getting free patches, but my quit date is now the 18th of Feb. It doesn't scare me. i am not as enjoyed about smoking as i used to be. i am ready to quit.
i also got a call at 2:30. my gyno had a cancellation, so i am having my tubal ligation on the 18th of Feb. i have an appointment with her on the 12th, along with pre-op. Then on the 18th, i get to go to to the hospital on the 18th at 12:00, and then surgery at 2:30. It isn't a positive that it will work. See i am fat. The doctor isn't sure the instruments will be able to reach threw my fat and actually get to my tubes. So, i go in for surgery, but there is no guarantee that it will actually happen. At least the prospect is there.
So, i am now off to buy some smokes, then head over to P&E's with Beef and Barley soup.
i also got a call at 2:30. my gyno had a cancellation, so i am having my tubal ligation on the 18th of Feb. i have an appointment with her on the 12th, along with pre-op. Then on the 18th, i get to go to to the hospital on the 18th at 12:00, and then surgery at 2:30. It isn't a positive that it will work. See i am fat. The doctor isn't sure the instruments will be able to reach threw my fat and actually get to my tubes. So, i go in for surgery, but there is no guarantee that it will actually happen. At least the prospect is there.
So, i am now off to buy some smokes, then head over to P&E's with Beef and Barley soup.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
The day before...
and i am supposed to be trying to just feel and relax. Instead, i am hyper and worried. i am doing laundry. i am doing dishes. i am panicked about the candle. i am wondering when P will email me with what they want printed as an insert. i am doing anything i can do to keep from feeling.
Laundry has been put away, with one load in the dryer, another in the washer and one more to go. Dishes are in soaking, ready to be washed, with two loads waiting to go. All empty cans are in the recycling bin. All garbage has been gathered and in the right places. i am even making myself perogies for lunch/supper. i have my list of what to do tomorrow ready. i have my clothes set out ready. i have ironed my top for tomorrow. i have vacuumed. i even know what i am going to do at 3:30.
At 3:30, i am heading over to White Flame. i am going to wander the store, and pickup some stuff for myself. i am going to get the memorial candle. i am then going to head over to Rygiel, and drop off the MIT's velcro for His heart monitor. i don't want to go out, but i have too.
i have to keep busy for now. At least for a little while. At least for now. Maybe later i will be able to relax. Maybe later i can let out how sad and scared and hurt i am feeling. Right now, i just can't go there. Right now, i am keeping busy.
Laundry has been put away, with one load in the dryer, another in the washer and one more to go. Dishes are in soaking, ready to be washed, with two loads waiting to go. All empty cans are in the recycling bin. All garbage has been gathered and in the right places. i am even making myself perogies for lunch/supper. i have my list of what to do tomorrow ready. i have my clothes set out ready. i have ironed my top for tomorrow. i have vacuumed. i even know what i am going to do at 3:30.
At 3:30, i am heading over to White Flame. i am going to wander the store, and pickup some stuff for myself. i am going to get the memorial candle. i am then going to head over to Rygiel, and drop off the MIT's velcro for His heart monitor. i don't want to go out, but i have too.
i have to keep busy for now. At least for a little while. At least for now. Maybe later i will be able to relax. Maybe later i can let out how sad and scared and hurt i am feeling. Right now, i just can't go there. Right now, i am keeping busy.
Friday, January 09, 2009
Reflection on the appointment
Today was therapy day. i didn't vent much. i felt relaxed enough to cry there. i cried a lot.
i have decided the word "tired" isn't enough. i am now using the word defeated. That is how i am feeling. Defeated.
One of the main things we talked about was me getting my diabetes under control. i have been thinking about how to do that since the appointment. i don't know how. Yes i have a diabetic clinic that i go to that has a nurse and a dietitian. Yes i have the backing of my doctor, and now my therapist. i don't know how they can help past what they are doing it. i know it has to be me that does it. i know what to do. i have read the books. i have listened to the dietitian. i have listened to the nurse. i have listened to the doctor. i know i should be eating 4 times a day. i know i have medications to take. i know what types of food to eat, and even what portions to have. i know i need to add exercise to my routine. my biggest problem, is i really don't care enough about myself to stick to it.
When the stress and depression get so bad i am thinking of letting go of the cliff, i loose myself in the depression and forget to take my meds, and don't eat or don't eat right. When i am lost in that depression, i don't want to move, or leave the house, and i don't have the money to join a gym. WW helped me in the past, but i don't have the money to do it, or the energy to follow through with the meal plans. Yes i cook when i can, but it is because i know i will not have the energy the next time to actually prepare a meal.
So i feel stuck. i feel defeated. i feel like i am defeating myself
i have decided the word "tired" isn't enough. i am now using the word defeated. That is how i am feeling. Defeated.
One of the main things we talked about was me getting my diabetes under control. i have been thinking about how to do that since the appointment. i don't know how. Yes i have a diabetic clinic that i go to that has a nurse and a dietitian. Yes i have the backing of my doctor, and now my therapist. i don't know how they can help past what they are doing it. i know it has to be me that does it. i know what to do. i have read the books. i have listened to the dietitian. i have listened to the nurse. i have listened to the doctor. i know i should be eating 4 times a day. i know i have medications to take. i know what types of food to eat, and even what portions to have. i know i need to add exercise to my routine. my biggest problem, is i really don't care enough about myself to stick to it.
When the stress and depression get so bad i am thinking of letting go of the cliff, i loose myself in the depression and forget to take my meds, and don't eat or don't eat right. When i am lost in that depression, i don't want to move, or leave the house, and i don't have the money to join a gym. WW helped me in the past, but i don't have the money to do it, or the energy to follow through with the meal plans. Yes i cook when i can, but it is because i know i will not have the energy the next time to actually prepare a meal.
So i feel stuck. i feel defeated. i feel like i am defeating myself
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Let's get it over with already!
It is the early morning of Christmas Eve. i am up and begrudging it. i really don't want to celebrate this year. i am not feeling it. All i am feeling is anxiety, tired, stress, depressed. i just want to curl up under the covers and hide. Yesterday was hell. i couldn't catch a break. i have found that if a wrench is thrown into my plans, i just can't handle it.
Here was the plan. First, i had to head out and go get my Sis some money to take the MIT to get his hair done. Then off to the doctor. After the doctor, i was going to head off the Walmart, then Fortinos, then Day/Night pharmacy. Home to get the newly blond MIT, wrap some gifts, and get a shower. Off to see D at the hospice, then to E&P's to drop off gifts. Head home again, and actually relax until it was time for my Mom to get the MIT for karate. Get some of His gifts wrapped, call M, La and baby girl and invite them over for either Christmas eve or Saturday. Tidy-up for when the nurse and MIT get here. Head off and get smokes. That was the plan. Here is what really happened.
i am up and ready to go. It is time to get moving. First stop, bank machine for my Sis. i get out and into the van, and it wouldn't start. i had to call CAA and get a jump. The estimated time of CAA coming was an hour. i had to be at the doctor's office for 9:30 (i thought). Let the panic attack begin. i needed that appointment. After making a bunch of calls, and still waiting for CAA, i realized my appointment was changed to 10. OK, i could breath. As long as CAA actually showed up before 9:45. Another save. CAA arrived just after 9. Ok, time to breath again. Van got a jump, and off i went to get my Sis money. Then off to the doctor.
When you are stressed, and having a panic attack (or trying not to have a panic attack), drivers that hug your bumper, drivers that can't make up their minds about where they are going, and drivers that like to go over the yellow line when turning, drive you nuts. Stress increasing. Nerves on edge. i was f**ked. i got to the doctor's office and was a mess. i couldn't sit still. i kept digging my nails into my bicep. i broke down and cried. The doctor just looked at me and listened to me and watched me fall to pieces. She even suggested she admit me to get my meds and emotions under control. Nope, i have to much to do over the next few days. So, i left the doctor's office, script for meds in hand, and headed off to my next stop.
Walmart on the day before the day before Christmas. What the hell was i thinking. i couldn't do it. i got one look at the parking lot, and tried to figure out how many people would be in there and just couldn't do it. Panic attack activate!!! (private joke) i didn't even stop. i drove out of the parking lot, and headed to the drug store. i knew i had to get my meds. i went to the pharmacy, and found a parking spot. i saw my Sis's car. Good, they were still busy. Dropped off my script and headed to the hair place.
Different people do hair different ways. L used to do the MIT's hair. That won't work now, so Sis took the MIT to Haircrafters. Yeah, no where close to the treatment He got from L. He was not a happy boy. Sis talked me down a bit, and i was able to get some stuff at the pharmacy from my "still to get" list, along with my pop, and some stocking stuffers. Took all that to the van, and then went back to get my meds. Headed home and waited for the MIT to return.
In my head, i wasn't done. i still wanted to get the rest of my list finished. i wanted (and felt like i needed) to go and visit D with the MIT, and then P&E's. So, once He arrived, that is what we planned to do. We wrapped gifts, and got out the house. Got to D's and spent only a few minutes with her, when the MIT lost His right side. We started to leave (didn't want to get stranded with the MIT going full blown at the hospice). We got to a set of chairs just before the kitchen, and had to stop. The MIT went full blown. We sat there. Waited. A Santa walked by. People looked and said "hello" to the MIT and me. One nurse asked if He was ok. Gave the "yes, this is normal for Him" response. Waited. i ended up calling my Dad to come and bring us the MIT's wheelchair so we could make it home before 4. The MIT didn't get any movement back until after 6. That blew the entire day away. By the time the nurse showed up, i was in no shape to head off for smokes. i just couldn't do it.
Yesterday was hell in my head. Today i feel like a failure. i feel even more stress because i have more piled on me today. my list of "To Do" has grown since i couldn't get done, what i wanted to yesterday. It is raining. i hate the rain. i would rather have snow. i want to just cancel everything. No family. No presents. No expectations. No stress. No full blown. No anxiety. i just want it all to be over.
But it can't be. Not yet. Today i have to (in no particular order) gift wrap, go to Walmart, get smokes, do dishes, clean the house, make cookies for Santa, send the MIT off with my Sis, find eggnog for Santa, vacuum, get gifts and cookies to P&E's, do laundry, shovel, and smile while i do it.
i am so ready to get this over with.
Here was the plan. First, i had to head out and go get my Sis some money to take the MIT to get his hair done. Then off to the doctor. After the doctor, i was going to head off the Walmart, then Fortinos, then Day/Night pharmacy. Home to get the newly blond MIT, wrap some gifts, and get a shower. Off to see D at the hospice, then to E&P's to drop off gifts. Head home again, and actually relax until it was time for my Mom to get the MIT for karate. Get some of His gifts wrapped, call M, La and baby girl and invite them over for either Christmas eve or Saturday. Tidy-up for when the nurse and MIT get here. Head off and get smokes. That was the plan. Here is what really happened.
i am up and ready to go. It is time to get moving. First stop, bank machine for my Sis. i get out and into the van, and it wouldn't start. i had to call CAA and get a jump. The estimated time of CAA coming was an hour. i had to be at the doctor's office for 9:30 (i thought). Let the panic attack begin. i needed that appointment. After making a bunch of calls, and still waiting for CAA, i realized my appointment was changed to 10. OK, i could breath. As long as CAA actually showed up before 9:45. Another save. CAA arrived just after 9. Ok, time to breath again. Van got a jump, and off i went to get my Sis money. Then off to the doctor.
When you are stressed, and having a panic attack (or trying not to have a panic attack), drivers that hug your bumper, drivers that can't make up their minds about where they are going, and drivers that like to go over the yellow line when turning, drive you nuts. Stress increasing. Nerves on edge. i was f**ked. i got to the doctor's office and was a mess. i couldn't sit still. i kept digging my nails into my bicep. i broke down and cried. The doctor just looked at me and listened to me and watched me fall to pieces. She even suggested she admit me to get my meds and emotions under control. Nope, i have to much to do over the next few days. So, i left the doctor's office, script for meds in hand, and headed off to my next stop.
Walmart on the day before the day before Christmas. What the hell was i thinking. i couldn't do it. i got one look at the parking lot, and tried to figure out how many people would be in there and just couldn't do it. Panic attack activate!!! (private joke) i didn't even stop. i drove out of the parking lot, and headed to the drug store. i knew i had to get my meds. i went to the pharmacy, and found a parking spot. i saw my Sis's car. Good, they were still busy. Dropped off my script and headed to the hair place.
Different people do hair different ways. L used to do the MIT's hair. That won't work now, so Sis took the MIT to Haircrafters. Yeah, no where close to the treatment He got from L. He was not a happy boy. Sis talked me down a bit, and i was able to get some stuff at the pharmacy from my "still to get" list, along with my pop, and some stocking stuffers. Took all that to the van, and then went back to get my meds. Headed home and waited for the MIT to return.
In my head, i wasn't done. i still wanted to get the rest of my list finished. i wanted (and felt like i needed) to go and visit D with the MIT, and then P&E's. So, once He arrived, that is what we planned to do. We wrapped gifts, and got out the house. Got to D's and spent only a few minutes with her, when the MIT lost His right side. We started to leave (didn't want to get stranded with the MIT going full blown at the hospice). We got to a set of chairs just before the kitchen, and had to stop. The MIT went full blown. We sat there. Waited. A Santa walked by. People looked and said "hello" to the MIT and me. One nurse asked if He was ok. Gave the "yes, this is normal for Him" response. Waited. i ended up calling my Dad to come and bring us the MIT's wheelchair so we could make it home before 4. The MIT didn't get any movement back until after 6. That blew the entire day away. By the time the nurse showed up, i was in no shape to head off for smokes. i just couldn't do it.
Yesterday was hell in my head. Today i feel like a failure. i feel even more stress because i have more piled on me today. my list of "To Do" has grown since i couldn't get done, what i wanted to yesterday. It is raining. i hate the rain. i would rather have snow. i want to just cancel everything. No family. No presents. No expectations. No stress. No full blown. No anxiety. i just want it all to be over.
But it can't be. Not yet. Today i have to (in no particular order) gift wrap, go to Walmart, get smokes, do dishes, clean the house, make cookies for Santa, send the MIT off with my Sis, find eggnog for Santa, vacuum, get gifts and cookies to P&E's, do laundry, shovel, and smile while i do it.
i am so ready to get this over with.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
i thought i was over it
So, a post about what happened with L&d. i think it is about time. It all happened in October. Well, it came to a head in October. It started before that. i am not completely sure, since they didn't talk to me about it. i only know what broke the camel's back. i only know about my actions. i can not comment on their perception of the events, as they have never talked to me about it. So this is my take on it.
In August, i made a decision that i would be a part of summer camp as a demo helper. This was when i was the odd man out. i was the only one of our "group" that was single. i decided that i didn't want to be totally alone during camp, and decided that volunteering for play would be a good way for me to feel involved and not so alone. i know the "group" didn't really approve, but i knew i could handle it. i knew that i wanted to do it. i knew that i wasn't in the mood to get their approval, after they had kept me on the back burner for so long. At camp, things were fine. So i thought.
After camp, i kept in touch with L&d. i called at least once a week, to stay in contact. i emailed them and sent them messages. This had been an issue in the past as far as they were concerned, so i thought i could keep their friendship by doing what they wanted. i never got a call back. i never got an email back. The only time i heard from them, was when D's health issue came to light, and they wanted information. Still i kept up the calls.
When i found the lump in my breast, in September, i tried to talk to them about it. i called and called. i kept trying to talk to them about it, because i didn't think P&E could handle it. i tried. Still nothing from them. They were my friends, but they wouldn't call. They wouldn't talk to me. i had to deal with it all on my own. One day, i couldn't and i posted it in my status on Facebook. Not the right way to deal, but the only outlet i had. i felt like i had no support. i felt like the two people i could talk to about it had let me down. So i lashed out. That was the straw.
The venom that was sent to me, over that tiny mistake, was over the top. It was hurtful and so full of anger. It was painful, at a time when i needed support. L&d lashed out at me on behalf of P&E, and D. E forgave me that night. L&d couldn't. Since then, i have had no contact with them. They couldn't even see me to bring me back my stuff. i now know that the "straw" was an excuse to not continue the friendship on their part. i know i did what i could to keep the friendship going. i called at least once a week, to stay in contact. i emailed them, and sent them messages. Never a call back, and never a message back. They were freezing me out, and when i needed them the most. In October, i told the doctor about it. She was sending me for a mammogram. It was booked within 3 days from when i told the doctor about it. i was freaking because everything was happening so fast. i still called them, hoping to be able to talk to them about it. Nothing from them. Then, i "announced to the world" what was going on with me, they jumped down my throat. They never voiced concern over my health. They never contacted me to find out the results.
Geeze, i thought i was over it. i guess i am not. i am still angry at them. They blamed me for not being a good friend and i was the one that was trying so hard to keep them close to me, and then, when i found the lump in my breast, they just put me down for the way i handled how i was feeling, after trying to reach out to them so often to talk to someone about it, and they blew me off.
That really hurt. It still hurts. i thought they cared about me. i thought they liked me. i thought they were there for me. i guess i thought wrong. Hell, i know now how wrong i was. i was pursuing a friendship they had already decided wasn't worth it. Why couldn't they just tell me before, so i didn't feel so alone. Why couldn't they just let it go, and tell me they couldn't do it anymore instead of stringing me along and leaving me out in the cold when i needed them so much? God they really hurt me. They let me down, with no consideration of my feelings.
That isn't a friendship. Friendship is considering how others feel, and not letting them down when you don't agree with them, and accepting that people make mistakes, and telling them when they are pissing you off, and not holding grudges. They weren't my friends. i was a person they could string along, and keep close when they wanted, but ignore and throw away when it was no longer convenient for them. It is nice to know i don't have to work so hard at that friendship anymore, or live up to expectations that are unreachable and weren't even reciprocated.
So, that is the story, from my perspective, of how the friendship ended. i am sure they have a different perspective. There is always another side to each story. i don't know what their side is, because they have never talked to me about it. They have never said what it was that made them stop calling me back. They never said what precipitated all the anger they later threw my way. i know i will never know for sure what it was that started their silent treatment. All i know is what happened after i announced my lump.
On the lump front, i have had a mammogram, i have had two ultrasounds, i have had a biopsy. The biopsy came back benign. It is a lipoma. The result finally came back on the 12th. If it changes, we start the journey again to find out if the diagnosis changes.
In August, i made a decision that i would be a part of summer camp as a demo helper. This was when i was the odd man out. i was the only one of our "group" that was single. i decided that i didn't want to be totally alone during camp, and decided that volunteering for play would be a good way for me to feel involved and not so alone. i know the "group" didn't really approve, but i knew i could handle it. i knew that i wanted to do it. i knew that i wasn't in the mood to get their approval, after they had kept me on the back burner for so long. At camp, things were fine. So i thought.
After camp, i kept in touch with L&d. i called at least once a week, to stay in contact. i emailed them and sent them messages. This had been an issue in the past as far as they were concerned, so i thought i could keep their friendship by doing what they wanted. i never got a call back. i never got an email back. The only time i heard from them, was when D's health issue came to light, and they wanted information. Still i kept up the calls.
When i found the lump in my breast, in September, i tried to talk to them about it. i called and called. i kept trying to talk to them about it, because i didn't think P&E could handle it. i tried. Still nothing from them. They were my friends, but they wouldn't call. They wouldn't talk to me. i had to deal with it all on my own. One day, i couldn't and i posted it in my status on Facebook. Not the right way to deal, but the only outlet i had. i felt like i had no support. i felt like the two people i could talk to about it had let me down. So i lashed out. That was the straw.
The venom that was sent to me, over that tiny mistake, was over the top. It was hurtful and so full of anger. It was painful, at a time when i needed support. L&d lashed out at me on behalf of P&E, and D. E forgave me that night. L&d couldn't. Since then, i have had no contact with them. They couldn't even see me to bring me back my stuff. i now know that the "straw" was an excuse to not continue the friendship on their part. i know i did what i could to keep the friendship going. i called at least once a week, to stay in contact. i emailed them, and sent them messages. Never a call back, and never a message back. They were freezing me out, and when i needed them the most. In October, i told the doctor about it. She was sending me for a mammogram. It was booked within 3 days from when i told the doctor about it. i was freaking because everything was happening so fast. i still called them, hoping to be able to talk to them about it. Nothing from them. Then, i "announced to the world" what was going on with me, they jumped down my throat. They never voiced concern over my health. They never contacted me to find out the results.
Geeze, i thought i was over it. i guess i am not. i am still angry at them. They blamed me for not being a good friend and i was the one that was trying so hard to keep them close to me, and then, when i found the lump in my breast, they just put me down for the way i handled how i was feeling, after trying to reach out to them so often to talk to someone about it, and they blew me off.
That really hurt. It still hurts. i thought they cared about me. i thought they liked me. i thought they were there for me. i guess i thought wrong. Hell, i know now how wrong i was. i was pursuing a friendship they had already decided wasn't worth it. Why couldn't they just tell me before, so i didn't feel so alone. Why couldn't they just let it go, and tell me they couldn't do it anymore instead of stringing me along and leaving me out in the cold when i needed them so much? God they really hurt me. They let me down, with no consideration of my feelings.
That isn't a friendship. Friendship is considering how others feel, and not letting them down when you don't agree with them, and accepting that people make mistakes, and telling them when they are pissing you off, and not holding grudges. They weren't my friends. i was a person they could string along, and keep close when they wanted, but ignore and throw away when it was no longer convenient for them. It is nice to know i don't have to work so hard at that friendship anymore, or live up to expectations that are unreachable and weren't even reciprocated.
So, that is the story, from my perspective, of how the friendship ended. i am sure they have a different perspective. There is always another side to each story. i don't know what their side is, because they have never talked to me about it. They have never said what it was that made them stop calling me back. They never said what precipitated all the anger they later threw my way. i know i will never know for sure what it was that started their silent treatment. All i know is what happened after i announced my lump.
On the lump front, i have had a mammogram, i have had two ultrasounds, i have had a biopsy. The biopsy came back benign. It is a lipoma. The result finally came back on the 12th. If it changes, we start the journey again to find out if the diagnosis changes.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Faking it....
i am totally faking being happy and ok. i am putting on a happy face. i am putting on a cheerful glow. i am walking around fooling as many people as i can. Inside, i just want to cry and curl up and pretend the world has ended. Inside i have given up. Inside i am ready to call it quits. my therapist knows it. my doctor knows it.
i told them both on Friday. First Sandy and then the doctor. Both know i am going to stick around. The MIT isn't keeping me here anymore. It isn't a thought to me anymore. It is a complication right now, that is all. The only thing keeping me here right now is common courtesy and common sense. It isn't much. It is all there is right now. Beyond that, i just don't want to be here anymore.
The tree is decorated, only because my Dad came over after the MIT complained. The baking has been started, only because my Sis came over and helped direct me. The baking is the last "gift" i need to get. Everything else is done. i have wrapping to do, but that can happen later. It is just the baking now. i have 2 types done. i have 3 more to go. i just don't want to do them.
Instead, a nice distraction. i will be spending tomorrow with D. She has changed so much since her meds were altered. It is nice to see "her" back again. She has been missed. i am sure her and i can get in trouble together tomorrow. It is my plan anyways. Not my agenda, just my plan. i will, as always, follow her agenda. She is excited about Christmas. She is excited about feeling better. Being with her will be a nice distraction. It won't change how i feel. It won't change my mind. It will just be a nice distraction.
i told them both on Friday. First Sandy and then the doctor. Both know i am going to stick around. The MIT isn't keeping me here anymore. It isn't a thought to me anymore. It is a complication right now, that is all. The only thing keeping me here right now is common courtesy and common sense. It isn't much. It is all there is right now. Beyond that, i just don't want to be here anymore.
The tree is decorated, only because my Dad came over after the MIT complained. The baking has been started, only because my Sis came over and helped direct me. The baking is the last "gift" i need to get. Everything else is done. i have wrapping to do, but that can happen later. It is just the baking now. i have 2 types done. i have 3 more to go. i just don't want to do them.
Instead, a nice distraction. i will be spending tomorrow with D. She has changed so much since her meds were altered. It is nice to see "her" back again. She has been missed. i am sure her and i can get in trouble together tomorrow. It is my plan anyways. Not my agenda, just my plan. i will, as always, follow her agenda. She is excited about Christmas. She is excited about feeling better. Being with her will be a nice distraction. It won't change how i feel. It won't change my mind. It will just be a nice distraction.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
No post
i didn't post yesterday. i was too tired. my brain started to malfunction around 8pm. i went to bed about 10 last night, so i am better this morning.
Something that has also helped me, was founding......Hedgehogs!!!! Hedgehogs are made by Botticelli. They are a hazelnut chocolate. They look like hedgehogs. They have little noses you can bite off. They are my favourite chocolate, and i can only find them during the Yule/Christmas/Hanukkah season. They make me happy, just knowing i have some in the house.
The MIT is doing good. He is in a good humour. He is being polite, and the idea of Santa's Naughty or Nice list is a good incentive. He is taking more responsibility with regards to His personal care. It is nice to see. Now if i could only get Him cooking. LOL.
Something that has also helped me, was founding......Hedgehogs!!!! Hedgehogs are made by Botticelli. They are a hazelnut chocolate. They look like hedgehogs. They have little noses you can bite off. They are my favourite chocolate, and i can only find them during the Yule/Christmas/Hanukkah season. They make me happy, just knowing i have some in the house.
The MIT is doing good. He is in a good humour. He is being polite, and the idea of Santa's Naughty or Nice list is a good incentive. He is taking more responsibility with regards to His personal care. It is nice to see. Now if i could only get Him cooking. LOL.
i am enjoying my time with D. Yesterday was a good day with her. She was very lucid and was stable physically, and was eager to do things. Today could be just as good. It could also be not so good. i will see once i get there. We may just hang out in her room, and wander the halls of the hospice, or we may go to the mall and get her picture taken with Santa, or we may take care of some Christmas tasks. As always, i will follow her lead. i just hope i don't forget to take everything with me. She threatened to put me over her knee yesterday after forgetting scissors.
Now that was a very funny dialogue.
The MIT is over my shoulder. Time to get going.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Holy Crap....
i am actually ahead of the game this year in regards to Yule/Christmas. i mean really ahead. Cards have been mailed. Gifts have been bought, made and done. i mean, i have never been this far ahead, on the second day of December.
i only have 4 more gifts to buy. i have 2 people i don't know what to get them. So i also have them to buy for. That makes 6. Only 6 more gifts to buy. Gifts for friends and family. Only 4 more. i do have a lot of baking and making to do. i also have to pick-up a few odds and ends for stockings. Other than that, i am done. Tomorrow is the day i am going out to finish it all off. i am so proud of myself. Hopefully this will lesson the stress of the season.
i do like baking. After getting groceries tomorrow, (along with the last few gifts) i will be able to bake to my heart's content. This is going to be fun. No more big pressure to go out and shop. No more crowded stores. No more stress about what to get anyone. None. Actual time to just sit back and enjoy the get-togethers, family traditions, and odd weather.
Yay!!!!! (this is me jumping up and down)
i only have 4 more gifts to buy. i have 2 people i don't know what to get them. So i also have them to buy for. That makes 6. Only 6 more gifts to buy. Gifts for friends and family. Only 4 more. i do have a lot of baking and making to do. i also have to pick-up a few odds and ends for stockings. Other than that, i am done. Tomorrow is the day i am going out to finish it all off. i am so proud of myself. Hopefully this will lesson the stress of the season.
i do like baking. After getting groceries tomorrow, (along with the last few gifts) i will be able to bake to my heart's content. This is going to be fun. No more big pressure to go out and shop. No more crowded stores. No more stress about what to get anyone. None. Actual time to just sit back and enjoy the get-togethers, family traditions, and odd weather.
Yay!!!!! (this is me jumping up and down)
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Panic and Anxiety
i know what panic and anxiety are. i experience both quite often. Right now, and for the last few weeks, i have been experiencing them every day. i don't know why. i know how i am dealing with it. i know how i am comforting myself. The problem is, at the moment, it is counter productive.
The panic and anxiety revolve around leaving the house. It isn't safe. It doesn't feel safe. i don't want to. i get a tightness in my chest with the idea. i start to sweat when i know it is a must. i avoid it to the point of finding reasons to stay in the house. i avoid it to the point of asking others to do my running around. A new "symptom" is that i don't feel comfortable driving the speed limit. It is too fast. It isn't safe. It doesn't feel safe.
One technique is to find a way to comfort myself when i am feeling this way. i am doing that. i am cleaning. i am cooking. i am organizing. my place has never been so clean. my kitchen has never been so tidy. Laundry is all done. Dishes are constantly being washed. Vacuuming is a daily occurrence. Even making my bed is a comfort. i feel safe here at home. i feel secure here at home. i feel at home here at home. Even still, it is counter productive.
i need to remember the ways i handled going out before. i know taking my iPod with me, and blocking out noise is one i can do. i know that self talk is another. Going out with someone out is another. i know that making myself go out is a way of breaking the thinking that it isn't safe, because i will be safe when i get back home.
Knowing all this isn't helping. Knowing that it is illogical isn't helping. Knowing i have lived through this before isn't helping. Knowing i will get through this again isn't helping. Talking about it isn't helping. Making myself go out isn't helping. Taking my meds isn't helping. Nothing has helped. i even carried it to camping.
i feel like i am rambling. i feel like i am trying to fix this, but am getting no where. i don't get why this is happening. Nothing bad happened. Nothing unsafe happened. i don't even know when it really started. i know one day i didn't want to leave. The next was fine. So was the next. Then another day when i didn't want to leave. Then another. Now it has snowballed. i don't know how to fix it.
The panic and anxiety revolve around leaving the house. It isn't safe. It doesn't feel safe. i don't want to. i get a tightness in my chest with the idea. i start to sweat when i know it is a must. i avoid it to the point of finding reasons to stay in the house. i avoid it to the point of asking others to do my running around. A new "symptom" is that i don't feel comfortable driving the speed limit. It is too fast. It isn't safe. It doesn't feel safe.
One technique is to find a way to comfort myself when i am feeling this way. i am doing that. i am cleaning. i am cooking. i am organizing. my place has never been so clean. my kitchen has never been so tidy. Laundry is all done. Dishes are constantly being washed. Vacuuming is a daily occurrence. Even making my bed is a comfort. i feel safe here at home. i feel secure here at home. i feel at home here at home. Even still, it is counter productive.
i need to remember the ways i handled going out before. i know taking my iPod with me, and blocking out noise is one i can do. i know that self talk is another. Going out with someone out is another. i know that making myself go out is a way of breaking the thinking that it isn't safe, because i will be safe when i get back home.
Knowing all this isn't helping. Knowing that it is illogical isn't helping. Knowing i have lived through this before isn't helping. Knowing i will get through this again isn't helping. Talking about it isn't helping. Making myself go out isn't helping. Taking my meds isn't helping. Nothing has helped. i even carried it to camping.
i feel like i am rambling. i feel like i am trying to fix this, but am getting no where. i don't get why this is happening. Nothing bad happened. Nothing unsafe happened. i don't even know when it really started. i know one day i didn't want to leave. The next was fine. So was the next. Then another day when i didn't want to leave. Then another. Now it has snowballed. i don't know how to fix it.
Monday, November 17, 2008
The First Snow...while camping!!!!
So this past week has been difficult. i have been having panic attacks every day. i can't seem to make it out of the house. i have been finding excuses to not go out. i have been cooking, cleaning, making things "perfect" here, so i feel safe and in control. i am needing the feeling of control. Without it i just plain brake down. i didn't really know how i would handle camping, but i did ok.
We arrived Friday. No rain while we set-up camp. i was able to have a fire and get the stew warming up in the dutch oven. After dinner, i started to prepare to do dishes, and we hit a bump in our plans. We found out there was no water at the site. We had to come up with some quick solutions. We figured it out, and then the rain started. Quick get into the tent. We had a nice quiet night hanging out in the tent. The MIT and Dad watched DVD's and i read my book. We ended up settling for the night around 7:00. At 1:30am, we were woken up to loud music. i took a walk to the offending site and asked them to turn it down. They were very polite. We all returned to the tent and went back to sleep.
Saturday morning we found the second bump in our camping adventure. We found out the tent was leaking. The floor of the tent was soaking wet. The picture is of Dad building a trench around the tent, in the hopes of shifting the water from around the it. i lifted the sleeping bags and kept the heater going so they could try and dry out. i sealed the seam in the bottom of the tent. That we could live with. Then we hit the third bump. Dad had forgotten to tell me to bring my grill from my BBQ. Off to Hamilton i drove. Then the fourth bump, my period started. Ok, not that great a weekend so far. i returned to the site and i made chicken noodle soup from scratch for lunch. First cooking experience for me again. It turned out really nicely. Especially since it was raining. The MIT spent the day watching DVD's under the awning of the tent, and i kept watch on the tent and sleeping bags drying. By the time Dad made dinner (Smokey bacon wrapped shrimp) i thought the tent was dry enough for us all to be able to climb back in and settle where it was dry and warm. i was wrong. 
Turned out, while we ate dinner, and while we watched DVD's, the bottom of the tent was still leaking, and all the sleeping bags were soaking wet again. We did piles of blankets and sheets to sleep on, and we did the best we could. i had a mini break down at that point, because i kept feeling that if either Dad or the MIT complained, i had to fix it. And then, because i couldn't fix it, no one would enjoy the time we had together. i voiced this and was told (well sort of, we ended up joking about it quickly) that i was not Mother Nature, and the little bumps added to the adventure. We bedded down around 7:00 again, and slept on and off during the night.
When we woke up on Sunday, we were greeted with snow covering our stuff. (Yes bump number 5). i truly lost it. i couldn't figure out how to do dishes (the propane stove had gotten wet during all the rain, and wouldn't light properly), how to pack things up, how to make dinner, and was completely lost and panicky. We fixed this with me telling my Dad that i wanted to just pack everything up, and head to my place for breakfast and the rest of the camping day. Dad agreed (since He was huddling around the fire for any form of warmth)........
We arrived Friday. No rain while we set-up camp. i was able to have a fire and get the stew warming up in the dutch oven. After dinner, i started to prepare to do dishes, and we hit a bump in our plans. We found out there was no water at the site. We had to come up with some quick solutions. We figured it out, and then the rain started. Quick get into the tent. We had a nice quiet night hanging out in the tent. The MIT and Dad watched DVD's and i read my book. We ended up settling for the night around 7:00. At 1:30am, we were woken up to loud music. i took a walk to the offending site and asked them to turn it down. They were very polite. We all returned to the tent and went back to sleep.
Saturday morning we found the second bump in our camping adventure. We found out the tent was leaking. The floor of the tent was soaking wet. The picture is of Dad building a trench around the tent, in the hopes of shifting the water from around the it. i lifted the sleeping bags and kept the heater going so they could try and dry out. i sealed the seam in the bottom of the tent. That we could live with. Then we hit the third bump. Dad had forgotten to tell me to bring my grill from my BBQ. Off to Hamilton i drove. Then the fourth bump, my period started. Ok, not that great a weekend so far. i returned to the site and i made chicken noodle soup from scratch for lunch. First cooking experience for me again. It turned out really nicely. Especially since it was raining. The MIT spent the day watching DVD's under the awning of the tent, and i kept watch on the tent and sleeping bags drying. By the time Dad made dinner (Smokey bacon wrapped shrimp) i thought the tent was dry enough for us all to be able to climb back in and settle where it was dry and warm. i was wrong. (MIT eating Smokey Bacon Wrapped Shrimp)
Turned out, while we ate dinner, and while we watched DVD's, the bottom of the tent was still leaking, and all the sleeping bags were soaking wet again. We did piles of blankets and sheets to sleep on, and we did the best we could. i had a mini break down at that point, because i kept feeling that if either Dad or the MIT complained, i had to fix it. And then, because i couldn't fix it, no one would enjoy the time we had together. i voiced this and was told (well sort of, we ended up joking about it quickly) that i was not Mother Nature, and the little bumps added to the adventure. We bedded down around 7:00 again, and slept on and off during the night.
When we woke up on Sunday, we were greeted with snow covering our stuff. (Yes bump number 5). i truly lost it. i couldn't figure out how to do dishes (the propane stove had gotten wet during all the rain, and wouldn't light properly), how to pack things up, how to make dinner, and was completely lost and panicky. We fixed this with me telling my Dad that i wanted to just pack everything up, and head to my place for breakfast and the rest of the camping day. Dad agreed (since He was huddling around the fire for any form of warmth)........
and the MIT huddled in the wet tent, trying to keep warm.
The MIT agreed, and we packed up everything in less than 1 hour. We were out of there. It was just snowing so much. Yeah, the weather report said it was possible, but we had avoided the predicted weather so many times, i just didn't count on it actually happening. All the dirt dishes went into one bin, all the other stuff went into the other. Sopping wet sleeping bags laid on the tops of the wet and frozen bins. Mud tracked in and out of the van. It was a mad dash. As we were leaving, we were hit with a flurry.
We got to my place and started to unpack stuff. We had our traditional pancakes for breakfast, with coffee for the boys. i hung the sleeping bags in my shower. i did dishes and unpacking. The boys watched TV. 
After we had all dried off, and everything was basically out of the van, i drove Dad and the MIT to Dad's house. They were to spend the rest of the day there. It gave me a break. Once the van was unloaded with all of Dad's stuff, plus the wet and muddy tent, i headed back to my place and tried to warm up and dry out. This was hard, considering i didn't have the use of my shower or tub because of the sleeping bags.
Overall, it was a good weekend. i made it harder on myself than i should have. i didn't have to fix everything, but i needed that feeling of being in control. It took 3 days to figure out i can't compete with Mother Nature, and can't control everything. This doesn't mean i am over my panic. i still only feel safe here, in my home.
Here where i can control things. i don't know how i am going to "get over it" but i will have to figure something out. i can't just stay in the house all day, every day. There are things i have to do in life. There are things that are essential to being able to live. There is Yule and then Christmas to prepare for.