Sunday, July 27, 2008

Catching up a bit (day 40)

Not much has really been going on, but i do have a few good things that have happened.

The MIT is going to be testing for His new belt on August 9th. Yes, He has actually been asking to test, and is going for it. i am so proud of Him. Every time He goes to karate, He looses one side, or more. It is a struggle for Him. He is having fewer and fewer good days. He asked to be tested in the middle of His class the one day, and the beginning of the class the other. That was the only way His body was able to complete the process. i am glad He is more Himself again. He hasn't talked about hurting Himself for a while. He is taking compliments more. It is nice to see the change in Him.

i have a "date" for camp. i volunteered to help with one demo and am now helping with two. Plus, the Guy who is doing the presentations is going to be hanging out with me for most of the weekend. Things have gotten a little weird about one thing, and i have to confront it. i have to say to Him that i do not want to top that weekend. It is a weekend for me to be me. Not the me someone wants me to be, but who i am. So far we have communicated well. i guess i will see how it goes when we talk about the topping thing. At least i know i will get cut, and sutured (something i haven't had done before). That part is going to be really fun.

That guy i met from online, well, that is over. i doubt i will ever hear from him again. It is ok. i didn't really feel a connection with him. When i do get into a relationship, i want that connection. i want those sparks, i want to be bowled over. i will find it again. i am not worried.

i haven't heard from L&D since the birthday. Even before that, the MIT and i had emailed them, and never heard anything back. i have left 2 messages in two weeks, and nothing. Add to that, the fact i know L has been in town at least once since i last saw here, and i am getting pissed. For some reason, it is ok for L&D to ignore me, but not ok if i was to ignore them. i have even left a message saying that we need to talk, and nothing. my first reaction is to think i did something wrong again, but nope, i am not going there. i know in my heart i have done nothing wrong. i don't understand how one day L can say she doesn't want things to change between us, but then the next, i hear nothing from them. Not even when they are in town. Nothing. i am past feeling jealous. i am up to feeling under appreciated and angry. Add to that the fact that L has my sewing machine, and i am needing it to make myself something to wear at camp, because i don't know if She has done what She said She would do. i don't know if She has made me a few stollis or not. Even then, i also want at least one tunic. It would make packing so much easier. i just don't know what to do with them. i call, i email, i hear nothing. It is all rather frustrating.

P&E can't seem to catch a break. K's surgery went well, and they were able to breath again. That was until P had the car accident, and now Salem may have cancer. They just can't catch a break. i wish i had the power to make it so nothing bad would happen to them, for about a year. That way they could get caught up with bills, breath and enjoy each other, breath and enjoy an entire year. They deserve it. They deserve that kind of break.

i am worried about the fact that i haven't had a period since April. The doctor did an internal, and is sending me for an ultra sound. She didn't say anything about the internal. i guess i wait for the ultra sound. i am feeling a little better emotionally also. i think it is because i am letting myself cry when it comes up. i am catching up on sleep while i can. Yesterday was full of sleep. So much, that i didn't sleep all night. i woke-up at 10:30 pm, and stayed awake until 11:30 this morning. Since then, i napped from 11:30 until 2:00. i will lie down again in about 1/2 hour so i can be awake tonight.

Well that is it.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Weekend of sleep (Day 31)

The MIT was at Rygiel last night. Finally a full night of sleep. Plus i get to sleep all day today and all night tonight. i doubt that will happen. Too much sleep can be a bad thing. i will be sleeping a whole lot.

i met someone on CollarMe last night. He came over for coffee (and for those that know my coffee making skills, he brought one from Tim Horton's for himself). It was nice to meet someone that believes relationships are built on friendships. All we did was talk. Well, he talked and i listened. i listened a lot. i don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing, that he reminds me of Mike. What i do like is that i am actually open to meeting new people, and putting myself out there for others to meet. It is a nice change from just sitting back and doing nothing and wallowing in being alone.

Being a lonely submissive sucks. Well, it sure does for me. i am sure there are those out there, that enjoy their Independence, and are ok with being single. Just like there are women out there that enjoy being single. i am not one of those submissives anymore. i miss having a partner. i miss the intimacy of being with someone. i miss feeling like i can sit at their feet. i miss feeling free.

Anyways, today is about sleep and rest and doing what ever i want to do. i am really going to enjoy today.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Lost It (Day 30)

i have lost all energy. i am sleepy all the time. i have no time to really sleep. What sleep i do have is wracked with weird dreams. i have no energy to go outside, do dishes, water plants. To do anything really. i am so tired. i don't want to get out of bed, when i finally do get some sleep. i don't want to eat. i don't want to cook. i don't want to look after my plants. i actually looked at my plants wilting, and just didn't give a damn. Doing anything with the MIT isn't even a thought. i don't want to take Him anywhere. i don't care if He or i go outside. i just don't care about anything any more. i have given up.

i am hoping it is just the sleeplessness. i am hoping it isn't full blown, drowning depression. Actually i know it is the depression. i have those thoughts again. Ones where i am done, and waiting to just be able to die. To kill myself without guilt of leaving the MIT. i still have a plan. i have picked out the clothes i want on my body when i die. i have written the note to go with my death. i have the entire plan. i am just waiting for the right time.

It is sick that the dream i had of the MIT's death actually filled me with hope. Hope that it was all ending soon. Hope that i could just die. How sick am i to find hope in my Son's death? Not even hope for Him, to be able to not have to deal with His disorder. Just hope and calm for me to finally get what i want. So much for no guilt. At least not right now anyways.

Yeah, i have hit that point again. i wonder how far into the summer it was last year. Maybe i will go back and look. i am thinking it is longer than last year. i am thinking i have been able to keep it at bay more easily. It doesn't really matter i guess. The fact that i am back in that place is the important part. Next is how to deal with it.

Getting more sleep isn't an option. i get to sleep on set days. Even then the days aren't really set. Stuff can get in the way.

Tuesday nights from 4:30-6:30pm 7-10pm
Wednesday nights from 5-10pm
Thursday nights from 6-8:30pm
Friday nights from 4-8pm
Saturdays from 10-3pm 4:30-Sunday at 8:00pm

Those are the times set in stone that i have the opportunity to sleep. Then there are times i am so over tired, i can't get to sleep. Then there are the times i have to do running around during those times because the MIT isn't able to do some stuff with me. Then there are times i need to just do something. Something like going outside and reading, or being around kids other than the MIT. Something that makes me feel like i am actually part of the world other than that of the MIT's. The debate is always there. Sleep or pleasure. Too bad i can't get both at the same time.

This weekend is slightly different. This weekend i have from Friday at 9pm-Sunday at 5pm. That is right, it is Rygiel weekend. A weekend of the MIT being away for two nights in a row, and the opportunity for me to sleep for 44 hours. Of course that doesn't include times to be awake for food, or pee breaks, driving time, or shower time. This time it feels to overwhelming. The idea of that much time alone feels like too much. At least when it is a shorter amount of time, i am not worried about following my plan. (Ok, back to feeling demented again. i want to die, but am scared i actually will do the deed. How weird.)

Well, time to find something to watch so i can stay awake, when all i want to do is curl up in bed and sleep. Not worrying about if the MIT wakes up or not. Not worrying what anyone would think if i let it happen. Just a long blissful sleep.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Relief (Day 27)

Everything went well yesterday. The MIT even went into a pool. It was a great party. Food was wonderful. Company couldn't be better, except for a few missing in parenting action. A very nice day.

Just a bad dream on Saturday.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Nightmare, or Dream? (Day 26)

i couldn't write this yesterday. That is when it happened. i needed a full night's sleep to process it. i was napping. i know i was napping. It was the only way i could have seen this. i dreamed about the MIT's death. i dreamed that it happened today. (dream in italics)

my Mom and Dad called. They had called 911 and were waiting for the ambulance. The MIT was doing that passed out, non-responsive thing. i was driving over there and then called them on my cell to find out when the ambulance got there and were leaving. i made my way to the hospital. Mom and Dad met me at the waiting room. i was not allowed to go into the emergency area. Something happened in the ambulance. He stopped breathing. i fought to be let in. They wouldn't let me in to see Him. i reminded them that i would not get in the way. That i just needed to be on the other side of the curtain. That i needed to be with my son, and that being in the waiting area was making me worse. They let me passed the locked door. They let my parents come with me. My Sis showed then, and they let her in too. After waiting what felt like forever, they let me in to see Him. He was on a respirator. He had wires to the heart monitor. He had IV's. He was not fighting the respirator. He was so pale.

i went out for a smoke. i left Mom and Sis with Him. i needed to make calls. Today was the party for M&S. We were supposed to go there today. i called P and E, telling them we couldn't make it. i explained the MIT was in the hospital. i asked them to let L and D know what was going on (i did not explain about the MIT's stopping breathing and being on the respirator) and to give M&S our love. i told them they could call me on the cell if they needed to talk to me.

Dad and i went back in, and were met by Mom and Sis. The MIT was getting worse. His blood pressure was dropping. His heart was having trouble keeping up. They were moving Him to ICU. They were going to get an emergency EEG done. They didn't know what was going on in His head. i wasn't allowed to go with Him. i didn't care. i went into the area, and stayed there. i was not going to miss saying hello when the MIT woke.

We were taken to ICU. It was about 2:00 pm by now. They wanted me out of the room while the hooked Him up to everything. They tried to distract me by asking me questions. i wasn't able to answer. my concentration was on the MIT. Mom and Dad answered the questions for me. i just wasn't going to leave Him alone. Not with nurses and doctors and people that didn't know Him. He needed me there. i needed to be there. i wouldn't go for a smoke. i wouldn't go for food. The staff were worried about me. my family was worried about me.

At 5:00pm, the MIT died. i wasn't there. They moved me out of the room. They set to work on Him. They shocked Him. They pumped more meds into Him. They never did get the EEG. They did all they could. He wasn't there anymore.

Even in the dream i was in a cloud. i called P and E and told them. They told L and D. i don't know who else they told. They wanted to know where i would be. Would i be at home alone? Would i be at my parent's house? They wanted to see me when they got back. i told them i was fine. i know my voice sounded hollow. i told them i wanted to go home and be alone, but my parents were taking me to their place. my Doctor called. She wanted me in the hospital under observation. my parents said no. They said what happened next was totally up to me.

The next day i was taken home. i answered phone messages. i wasn't really in my head. i felt lost. i picked out the MIT's clothes. Red shirt. Green pants. Tony Stewart cap. i told Mom and Dad that He was to be buried with His green pillow and Papa blankie. i called Karate. i told them what happened. They wanted Him to get a black belt. i said He could be buried with it. Everyone wanted the details. When. Where. i couldn't give them any. i didn't know myself. i allowed Mom and Dad to handle that. i kept saying "no silk pillow, just His green pillow". People started to show up here. They wanted to be here. i wanted to be alone. i wanted everyone out of my house. i wanted to be here. i wanted to be in His bed. They wanted to be with me and make sure i was ok.

i woke up before the funeral. i woke up thinking He was dying. i woke up grieving for something that hadn't happened. i woke up crying. i called my Mom and asked how He was. i needed to make sure that He was fine. i needed to know that they would call me if something went wrong. Mom kept saying i could go over and check on Him. i couldn't do that. Not in the state i was in. i would have freaked Him out. i couldn't stop crying. i was sure it would happen. i am still leery about it happening. i won't feel better until He is here, and we are getting ready to go to the party.

For now, everything is normal. Mom and Dad have Him. i am getting ready for the drive and party. i know in my head that none of this will happen today. my heart is not quite sure.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Just another day (day 23)

Today is just another day. Things are good. Things are moving slowly around here. We aren't in any hurry to do anything. We wake-up when we want. We eat when we are hungry. We get dressed slowly. It is a nice, slow, summer.

i am really enjoying the new thermostat. i can see exactly what the temp is in the house. i have used less a/c this year, than any prior year. This will surely help my hydro bill. It will also help my gas bill in the winter. That is a good thing.

The MIT is still hurting. i don't know why His hip has been hurting so much. i will have to ask the doctor today about it again. i am going to ask her to refer Him to a specialist. He needs to be able to walk without pain.

Today i will also be asking the doctor to refer me to the diabetic clinic at MUMC. i need their help. i am doing my best, and have made some really good changes, but i am still not able to handle my cravings. i need backup with that. i am currently eating the same breakfast every morning. variety at that meal is not an issue. The same thing is easy, and i feel comfortable with it. It is healthy and good for me, and i actually eat breakfast now. Lunches are my most difficult. i don't really know what to reach for. Dinners are ok, as long as i eat it late. If i eat it too soon, i start craving more and more food as the night goes on. That along with the no sleep seems to work really well.

Over the last week, the MIT has had a really rough time with His body. His right side was gone (off and on) from Thursday until Thursday, and then His body changed sides. His left side has been gone (on and off) since then. His balance is sucking. He falls even when both sides work really well. His physical milestones are just leaving Him. At least His social skills, and His cognitive abilities are growing. That sucks in its own way. He is more aware of how much His body is letting Him down.

Well, that is all for today. i have realized i write more in my written journal than here, and i get lost in what i actually post here verses what i write in there. i have been writing so much, i will soon need a new journal.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Proud moments (day 16 of summer vacation)

Yesterday was therapy day. i walked in panicky and hyper. i had so much i wanted and needed to say. my speech was quick. Some would describe it as manic. i didn't. Sandy sat and listened.
i told her how proud i was of myself for things i have done over the last couple of weeks. i told her about telling someone how i had been feeling. No beating around the bush. Straight out saying how i felt, and waited for the repercussions. (There was no repercussions other than us both telling the other how we felt, sorry was said, hugs were given, everything is good.) i told about how my neighbour has chosen me as her confidant, and trusts me in some of her secrets and in helping her when she needs it. (Ok, a bit of me being to trusting and giving of myself too. i can admit that.) i told of dealing with the bank, and getting money back that they had taken out and shouldn't have. i told of meeting Atlas and how i felt a connection with him. (He really is a great dog. Great enough that i realize how much i miss having a dog to talk to and walk. i really hate being allergic to them.) i spoke and spoke and spoke. Then Sandy cried.

We, then, talked about her role. How for her, seeing me being proud of myself, and giving myself little "yeah me" times and that such times were coming more and more. We talked about how she is proud of me, and i asked her if she does "yeah me" times. i even gave her a "yeah Sandy". Then i got anxious that she was saying we don't need to see each other anymore. i said as much and she gave me a "yeah wendy". We discussed how i still have a lot of things to work through. i made it pretty emphatic that i was not ready to go. We talked about the constant concern that i will kill myself. (Yes it is still a constant concern.) We talked about how special she sees me. We talked about how i didn't see it myself.

Today i am more proud of myself. i installed a programmable thermostat in my house. There was no way VP would do that. i need a way to save on my hydro bill. i is all programmed and all installed by myself. Here, take a look....
Isn't it pretty? Isn't it great? i love it. i love that i can program it so the air doesn't come on to early. i love it.
Ok, that is all for now. Back to watching a movie.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Happy Canada Day (day 14 of summer vacation)

Happy Canada Day everyone. Today has been pretty uneventful for me and the MIT. We watched tennis (again LOL) The MIT hates watching tennis. It has been the week for it. Wimbledon is my favourite tennis series.

i guess i am surviving summer so far. Not much sleep. i am still able to function. i am much easier to tears right now. The MIT and i go out at least once a day. We do some sort of running around. We sometimes work in a walk. i do have to admit a lot of our time is in the house. i can only handle pushing Him so far. He has found a lot of games online that He likes. Plus, for my own survival, i have actually gotten digital cable. He is really enjoying all the new and different channels. Flipping has never been so much fun for Him.

i am taking my diabetes much more seriously. i bought the book "Diabetes for Canadians for Dummies". my friend Sh suggested it. She is my inspiration right now. She has done really well since finding out she is also diabetic. i have known for much longer and haven't done too much about it. Right now i am taking my blood sugar levels before and after every meal. i am recording it in a booklet i made. i am going to be asking my doctor to refer me back to the diabetic clinic at MUMC when i see her on the 10th. i am also making changes in my diet, and the MIT's diet. i have cut back on the diet Pepsi. i am down to 4-5 cans a day. Brita water is my new best friend. i am eating a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner that includes all food groups. i am also watching my portion sizes. One problem is i am finding that between 7-9 i am hungry. i tried moving my times to eat later, but it hasn't worked yet. At least i know there is a problem, and i am going to figure out a plan to combat it.

Tomorrow the plan is to go to L&D's. The MIT wants to be blond again, and He needs a trim. i am also missing them terribly. i haven't seen them since April. Tomorrow should be a really good day. i can't wait to meet Atlas. The MIT might have a bit of a problem, but He will handle it. i wonder what the back yard looks like with the fence. Hmmmm. i can't even remember the last time the MIT or i was there. i think it was back at the end of September, before the MIT went to Australia. Wow, that sure is a long time.

Well, it is time for me to head to bed. i hope to catch a few winks between beeps. He is up to 15 apnea's already. This is going to be a long night.