Saturday, March 26, 2011

Hanging by a thread

That is how I have been feeling lately.  Like I am hanging by a thread, and more and more weight is pulling, and pulling me to the point where I just can't hold on any longer.

First it was TJ in emergency.  Second was Charlie getting neutered.  Third was Charlie eating the razor.  Forth was TJ's change in his room (will talk about this) Fifth was TJ not eating (will talk about this).  Sixth was the washing machine breaking. Seventh was the van needing making grinding noises when breaking (will talk about this also).  Eighth was the van going in and the estimate for that (will talk about).  Ninth was Dad "fixing" my washing machine (will talk about).  Tenth is my Mom yelling at me at every turn.

So, on the 16th, Mom and Dad came over and put a new TV in TJ's room.  That should have been no big deal.  The big deal was that Dad needed my help to install the TV and digital cable box.  It just wouldn't work.  Add Mom being bossy, Charlie needing help, and TJ watching "on demand" all at the same time, and me feeling like I being pulled in so many directions.  I had to actually yell about someone taking Charlie out of the house for a short bit, so I could actually help Dad.

On the 17th (and partly the 16th) TJ decided that his stomach hurt / was upset and he couldn't eat.  He was still drinking, but wouldn't eat anything.  It was thought that he gave eating up for lent, but that wasn't really what happened.  He has stopped telling us when his head is hurting, because none of me medications he can take, help his head.  Going along with this, migraines make his stomach yucky. Tuesday I was really scared.  Kept TJ home Wednesday (the 23, turned out to be a snow day) so I could take him to the doctor's.  That was a flop, so I kept him home on Thursday (24) and was able to get him seen.  The doctor gave him Boost.  I have convinced TJ that Boost is a medicine lie what they gave Charlie after his surgery, to coat the stomach, and make it feel better.  Since drinking the first bottle Thursday at lunch, TJ has had pizza Thursday night, oatmeal and hot chocolate Friday morning, his second dose of Boost and pizza for lunch on Friday, and pigged out at my Nana's house.  So I am feeling much better about all that.

Wednesday (the 23) morning I put a load in the washing machine, and it broke.  The agitator stopped.  I told my parents.  Dad decided he wanted to come over and fix it. So I now have TJ home from school, and Dad here, along with caring for Charlie.  TJ is settled in his room, so he isn't a problem, but Charlie still needs to stay out of Dad's way, and be kept happy. Eventually, Dad figures out the part that is the problem (4 hours later) and so we clean up the kitchen so Charlie can run free, but TJ is still home and the nurse is supposed to be here, so I can take Charlie out for a walk.  Nurse cancels, because she has had a car accident.  I get yelled at Mom for not being nice to Dad, and then hung up on when Mom doesn't like that I put the phone to Dad's ear to tell her I have been nice, and I am stressed.  No walk for Charlie or for me.  Hanging by a thread.

Thursday I am supposed to see Karen.  Instead, that is the time I can take TJ in to see the doctor.  Doctor gives us the magic Boost.  I call Karen to cancel, and start crying on the phone because everything is feeling like a weight on me.  Take TJ to the doctor.  Solve the eating problem because I am still able to manipulate TJ, and then Dad takes my van in to get an estimate.  I give him the instructions on what ODSP needs if they are going to help pay for the repairs.  3 hours later, Dad finally goes and picks-up the van, and brings back a copy of the fax they sent.  It doesn't have my name on it.  That has to be on it for ODSP to consider it.  Call ODSP, then call Ford back, and have them re-fax the estimate.

Today (Friday 25), TJ goes to school and me more relaxed because he ate breakfast.  I have a dentist appointment, go and then come home.  Dad now comes over to fix the washing machine.  This kills my schedule with Charlie, and means Charlie is on leash in the house.  Dad takes from 1:30 - 4:30 to get the job done, but while working on it, another part falls out, and Dad gets hurt.  Mom calls I am frustrated because it feels like the washer won't get fixed and is actually getting worse.  She calls and starts yelling at me. TJ comes home.  Mom calls again, talks to TJ, asks to talk to me, yells at me and I hang up.  Mom comes to pick-up TJ and tells me how frustrated she was when she was yelling at me, and I explain how frustrated I was when she was yelling at me, and Dad says we are all done with it, and Mom walks away saying "I don't think so".
Dad comforts me.  The washer is working (then we find 2 screws - don't ask). He leaves, and I run a load through the machine.  Charlie and I have dinner, and then we lie down on my bed and fall asleep.  TJ comes home early from karate (I didn't answer the phone when Mom called to let me know this is happening).  I put Charlie in his crate (since it is crate time) and stay lying in bed until 10:45 when I finally put TJ to bed.

And so now, I am awake. I will be heading back to bed soon.  I need to make sure I am ok for taking Charlie over to Mom and Dad's for play time tomorrow.

The good news is, I have not done any problem behaviour.  I have really wanted to.  I mean, really, really want to. Even right now, I would love to cut.  I would love to just take enough pills to not wake-up tomorrow.  I would even add booze to the pills.  I am not doing this.  I am sleeping a lot (not a good thing) but I am not doing any problem behaviour.  Karen says that is a good thing.  I have also been effective during all of this.  I have called ODSP about the van.  I have taken TJ to the doctor.  I have hit or killed anyone.  My washer is fixed.  TJ is "fixed".  Soon the van will be fixed.  I guess that means the DBT therapy is working.  I hate that I am crying so much.  I hate that I can't just push my feelings aside and become that robot I used to be.  It feels like it makes my thread a little thinner.

Thelma is scheduled to come tomorrow. 

Earth day is tomorrow, and I intend to celebrate it the same way I always do. Candles and a fire out back.  Maybe that will help me to relax and start to feel normal again.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Charlie and TJ

Both are well.  Charlie is home, and was home Sunday night.  TJ doesn't feel any guilt.  TJ even went up to Charlie and petted him.  He checked out Charlie's scar and went "eww"

Me, well, I am still surviving.  I am working on little sleep.  I have not had a chance to catch up on all the sleep I lost Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights.  I will make it through.  I always do.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of when I first started keeping an online "journal".  It will be 7 years.  This journal has gone through a lot of changes.  It started out when I was with Mike and I needed a place to vent.  It moved to a place for me to grieve.  Now it is a place for me to vent, and let go, and just be for a while.

I don't know if I will ever make this back into a BDSM journal.  I don't know if that is where I am headed.  Right now, I just know what I put down is how I am feeling, and how I am doing.  I am going to keep trying to keep Charlie stuff to his own journal.   It is difficult since he and TJ are such big parts of my life. 

I hope this is enough.  It is for me.

Sunday, March 13, 2011


I am not so angry at TJ.  He is him.  Just all means I need to do a walk through before letting Charlie out of his crate.  What I am feeling is relief.  He is fine.  Well, he has a big cut in and on him, but other than that, all is good. 

Relief is an interesting feeling.  I started crying after I talked to the vet this morning, and found out I get to go and feed Charlie around 2.  I am watching the clock.  I want 2 to get here now.  It is like I understand that the vets say he is ok, but like with TJ, I need to see it for myself.  I need to touch him.  I need to see him. I need to let him see me.  Then, and only then, will I know he is ok. 

For now, it is time to take care of myself, have something to eat, and get ready to see him.

I will talk about my Mother later. 

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Emotions and surgeries

On Monday, Charlie had his first surgery. He was neutered. No biggy. He handled it all very well. He hasn't really licked at or bitten at his stitches. That isn't what this post is about.

This post is about the worry, guilt, sadness, anger and panic I am feeling right now, as Charlie is in surgery to have 5 razor blades removed from his stomach.

Worried - He might not make it. The blades could have moved from his stomach, lower, putting him at more risk. He could be fine, but my mind is on how much this is costing me, my family, and him not making it

Guilt - I didn't check the bathroom to make sure there was nothing he could get at, since there has never been anything for him to get at. I had to ask my Mom and Dad for $4000 to pay for the surgery and there is going to be more costs involved post surgery. This is my dog and I should be able to pay for anything that happens to him. Yes I have insurance, but that only covers part of what the expense is going to be.

Sadness - I am home alone without my baby. I want him here. I can't fix it. I have to count on someone else to fix it. I want to be in that operating room with him right now. I miss him. He isn't in his crate. I didn't get to feed him dinner. What if he is hungry? I miss him. I need him here.

Anger - TJ moved the damned razor and made this all possible. If TJ didn't do that, none of this would have happened. Why does TJ have to be such an ass about everything being moved or how he likes it? Why can't he just leave things alone? Why did he have to move my razor?

Panic - all these feelings mixing together and I want to cut and drink and eat and I know I shouldn't.  Right now I am just sitting here, second by second, telling myself what a good girl I am for not doing any of those things.  Cheer leading was never my strong suit, so this is hard, but I am making it. 

I am making it so that when the vet calls, I can be coherent enough to hear what she says.  To hear how he is.  To understand what happens next and when I can see him. 

Sunday, March 06, 2011

The day after.

Yesterday was very tough.  The nurse called 911 because TJ was showing different seizure activity.  I actually cried when the first responders (FD) showed up.  I was scared because TJ just wasn't right.  We spent the day at the hospital. Mom and Dad took TJ home with them.

I came home and had planned on going for a walk with Charlie (who had been locked up in his crate once 911 was called). I had planned on then going to bed.  It didn't happen.  I needed more.  I needed to feel comforted.  I needed to not feel.  So I ordered in food and ate and ate.

That means today, I get to start filling in a behaviour chain.  It is not supposed to be a punishment.  It is to be a learning tool.  To learn why I made the decission that I did, and how to make it easier not to make the same decision next time.  So, now I am learning why I needed to eat so much to make me feel better. 

I know why.  I wanted comfort.  I wanted to feel over full instead of sad and guilty and scared and out of control over the entire hospital visit.  I wanted to escape from feeling for a while.  So, that is what I did. 

As to how not to do it again next time, I have no idea right now.  I am not doing it tonight, and I really want to.  I want to order in KFC and just binge on all that fat and hot stuff for the night.