Monday, December 31, 2007

Another year over

Last year i did not make any promises (what some people call resolutions) to myself. i decided that i wasn't ready to do that. This year, i feel i need to set some goals and promises to myself. This year i think i need it. So, saying that, here are the promises i have decided upon.

1) Forget about loosing weight, but concentrate on eating well, and eating 4 times a day. i will eat when my watch alarms, and i will eat the proper amounts of food, and the "right" types of food, so that my body can get used to having regular blood sugars.

2) Keep up on taking my medications on time. i find weekends the hardest, but i am going to work on this.

3) Earning the money to not only become a member of the OCR (Ontario College of Reflexology) but to also become registered with the Reflexology Registration Council of Ontario. This would mean i can work in Toronto and other places that require a reflexologist to be register. They also help with licencing and i get to put 3 more letters beside my name.

4) Earn enough money to by my dream reflexology chair.

5) Be more honest with my therapist, and work hard at getting better. This will include opening myself up more to her, and to myself. It will also mean having to look hard at the future, when there will eventually be no MIT in my life.

Those sound like pretty good goals to me. i also know what goals i wish for the MIT, but i can only point Him in those directions. It is up to Him to set His own goals. It is my job to see He has the skills to accomplish His goals.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Success and completion

So i took my practical exam. It consisted of me doing the full procedure on my teacher. She looked through my charts, she watched me as i washed my hands before working on her feet, she listened while i did the foot examination, and she relaxed while i did the procedure. After all was said and done, she was able to give me my mark for that part of my certification.


That mixed with the 89% on my written, and i will officially be certified in about 3 weeks when i hear back from the college.

I DID IT!!!!!!!

i took a course. i followed through. i completed it. Plus, i passed. With honours. i am so proud of myself.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

Yesterday was a good day. The MIT must have been good, since Santa brought Him lots of stuff He asked for. Santa was also good to me, and brought me some PJ's and an iSterio. The MIT surprised me with the Pirates of the Caribbean 3. i cooked the turkey and stuffing without any problems. Mom, Dad and Sis took the MIT to church, giving me time to prepare the turkey, then brought Him home for some quiet time together. After lunch, Mom, Dad, and Sis came over, and we opened more presents. The MIT and i surprised my Sis by giving her a gift from her teddy bear named Tddy. It included a picture of Tddy with Santa. It was all the MIT's idea, and it went over great. Later, my Nana and Aunt came over, and more gifts were exchanged. i have a feeling i will not see my MIT for about 3 months, as He will be holed up in His room watching DVD's. After my Nana and Aunt left, it was time for supper and playing with DVD's and cleaning up. my family is great. All i do is cook the turkey and stuffing, and my Mom brings over the rest of the food, cooks/heats it up, and then after everyone is done, she does the dishes. It was a good day. There were lots of pictures taken. Some of me even turned out really well. Mostly pictures of the MIT were taken, since He is the center of attention, which is only right. i don't have room to put up all the good ones, so here are just few.

Today was shopping with my Mom, while my Dad played with the MIT. It has become a great tradition. i even picked out what i am getting for my birthday today. The MIT and my Dad ate most of the leftovers, so it was Chinese for dinner.

Tomorrow is my exam. my final exam for reflexology. i have to do the entire procedure without looking at my book. That is going to be a breeze. The part i am worried about is naming all the reflexes. That will be the toughest part. That and not loosing my place in the procedure as i answer the questions. The charting i have done is great, and i have no worries about that. But, it is an exam and i always get nervous about that.

The MIT and i still have gifts to give out. One set i know i will be able to deliver soon. The other set, i have no idea. i haven't heard from them in a long time. i have tried to keep in touch with them, but have heard very little back. i have sent emails, and left phone messages. i even sent them an eCard for Christmas. Oh well, i am sure stuff must really be going on with them, or i would have heard from them. Last i had heard, family health was an issue, and i know how that can be when you only have so many spoons.
The biggest surprise this Christmas / Yule time, is the MIT hasn't lost any muscles. He also hasn't gotten all angry. He has pulled Himself from situations to quietly deal. He has really matured. i am proud of Him. i just wish i could see the joy in stuff. All i keep seeing is what isn't and is going to happen in the future.
i am still having problems with that. The change in meds hasn't seemed to help yet. It is still really hard for me to see the "good" in alot of thing, including the van. i am getting better with the Monster (van). i have yet to put His wheel chair in it, but i will be doing that tomorrow, especially if we go visiting and delivering presents. The ramp is cool, and so is the space in the back seat. It is just so hard to get in and out of. i definitely need to invest in a granny step

Well, my pills seem to be kicking in. Tomorrow is a stressful day, so wish me luck, and here is to becoming a certified reflexologist

Sunday, December 23, 2007

It is almost Christmas

So a bit of a catch-up in regards to the depression issue. The doctor and therapist have decided to put me back on Trazedone. I had been taken off it back in October. They are figuring that it was doing more good than we had originally thought. I had been taken off it, in the hopes of changing my nighttime meds. So back on it i go.

Yes i am still having all those nasty thoughts, but i am keeping my word. i talked about it openly with both the doctor and therapist. All of it. The plans, the homicidal and suicidal thoughts. i was confused and scared that i would be punished (having the MIT taken away, and being put in hospital) for doing what i am supposed to do. i am supposed to open up about my feelings. i am suppose to tell the professionals that can help me, when i am feeling that dark. They both concurred that i did the right thing. i am not going to be punished for it. They are keeping me on a short leash, and seeing me often, but are letting me work on feeling what i feel without fear of punishment. They are trusting me at my word. They are trusting that i will keep my promise.

As far as the reflexology goes, i have completed all 70 procedures. i have everything completed in order to take my exam on the 27th. i am excited about this. my Mom has been very helpful in getting her friends to be my clients. i have decided that all those that let me practice on them, and that volunteered for me, will be rewarded once i get my certificate. It is the least i can do to thank them all for being my guinea pigs.

Yule was very quiet. Just me for most of the night. The MIT joining me after He had finished karate. It was a quiet night. my tree and candles lighting the house. Wreathes on both doors. my altar decorated with crystals, candles, pine cones, pieces of my tree in the vase. i didn't do any big thing. Just something quiet for myself. i had french onion soup, home made buns, and some ham and potatoes, carrots, and beans. A nice quiet night where i remembered Mike, and how that would have been the night we exchanged gifts. i even got Him something, and put it in His drawer. i called my friends, and wished them happy Yule. It was nice.

Two more sleeps until Christmas. i have all my shopping done. i have wrapping to do. i will be doing that today. Today i will also be driving my new van down to my Nana's. She hasn't seen it yet. Plus, we are having a trifle day at her house. i don't think the MIT will be happy that i am there, but no biggy. i am there for me, and not for Him. By doing the reflexology on her every week, we have become closer lately. i am really enjoying that. Other than that, i refuse to go anywhere near a store. i am so done with the crowds and stuff. On Monday i will be going to E's place for her open house. The MIT will be coming with me, and i will also get to show off my new van there. The MIT is actually looking forward to it. He is actually excited about Christmas this year. It is nice to see.

Well, that is about it. That is my update. i hope everyone has a happy holiday. i don't know when i will be posting again. Soon, but not too soon. Wish me luck on my exam!

Thursday, December 13, 2007


It is snowing nicely outside. Enough for me to feel cozy not leaving the house, or going outside. Enough for my brain to justify staying in doors.

The bad thoughts are still there. They are not leaving me. The ones about hurting someone else are less. They were more of a way to justify the big black thought of me leaving without guilt, and less to do with hurting another. i still have to talk to the doctor tomorrow. i am worried about going into the hospital, but know that if she says i need to go, i will. i know i can't go on like this. i have promised not to do it between now and Christmas. i made that promise to my Mom, and to my Sister. i will keep that promise. i did not promise to stop thinking about it. Mom understands that. She knows that i am in a very dark place and can't find my way out. She thinks i at least need stronger drugs.

i want to get better. i want to feel joy in the mornings, or even any part of the day. i don't want to dread each day. i want it to be less of a struggle to get moving in a good direction. i want to stop faking that everything is ok.

Tomorrow is the doctor. Tomorrow i explain how dark it really is inside me. Tomorrow i will either come home or will be admitted into the hospital.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

i figured something out

i have figures out why the traditions in our family are so important to me. They are something i can hold on too.

Right now it is very dark inside my head. It has been for over a month. i have a plan that doesn't involve me, but will give me the permission i need in my head to follow threw with the plans for me. i told the only person i could, my Mom. i know it is a lot to lay on her, but if i talked to anyone else about it, i would not be at home right now. I would be in the hospital.

Maybe that is where i need to be. Things out here, in the world, aren't making me any better. Those dark thoughts are always with me. They are always there when i go to take my meds. They are there as i engross myself into being a Mom. There are there when i do the dishes, bake cookies, put on a happy face. They are always there. They are getting worse.

After talking to my Mom, i have made a promise for tonight. One that i am finding hard to keep, but i am keeping it. Tomorrow, i see my Mom again, and i know she will ask me to make the same promise again. On Friday i go to the doctor's. i am not going to tell her about the entire plan. That would land me in the hospital for sure, but i will tell her that the dark thoughts are back with a vengeance. If she then wants me to go to the hospital, i think i am ready. The thoughts are so overwhelming, that i am ready to take myself in tonight.

Maybe it is time to go. Maybe it is time to admit i am faking it all. Maybe it is time to admit i can't find anything happy to think about in the mornings to get me out of bed, but a routine. Yeah, maybe it is time to just let go and see if there is something else out there to help me get out of this.

i now really understand why this time of year has the highest suicide rate.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

A little update

So, i have the new van. Good Gods it is huge. It is 8'2" tall. It can never fit in any underground parking. It feels long. It feels weird to drive that high up. It is also difficult to climb into. i am getting used to it. Slowly. It is rear wheel drive. i am used to four wheel drive. i am getting used to it. i am driving it at least once a day. That will help. It is pretty cool looking.

Christmas / Yule is weird for me right now. No tree yet. Don't know when that is going to happen. Daddy is still away and that means no tree cutting for us. It is hard getting into the spirit of the season without a tree. At least most of my shopping is done. i only have to shop for 4 more people and make things for 4 more people. i am proud of that. i usually am a last minute girl. Not this year.

i have been thinking of inviting everyone over here for Yule. i want to. It would be nice to have everyone here. i don't feel like i have enough room. i don't feel like i have the ability to cook for that many people. i know what i would like to cook. i know i would like it to be a nice night of celebration. i know i have to make a decision soon, so i can let everyone know they are invited, and so they don't make other plans. Part of the indecision is thinking they won't come. A silly fear. Still a fear though.

The MIT is having a bit of a weird month. Most days He has a side gone, or is full blown or is asleep before 5:00. i don't know what is going on with Him. It is scary not knowing what is going on with His health. Oh well, just something i get to live with.

The reflexology is going well. i will have enough procedures done by the time of my exam, and i know the whole procedure off by heart. i just have to let go of my security book. No book allowed at the exam. i can run the whole procedure in my head without missing anything. The problem i have is that once i have a pair of feet in front of me, i blank out a bit. Time to start getting over that.

Other than that, all is well. Baking has been started, and will continue. Soon i will decorate the MIT's wheelchair if i don't get a tree. Not really, but darn it, i want my tree. Time for bed.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

My first pressent

It is official. Today, the MIT and I get to go to Kitchener, and pickup our new wheelchair van. Yes, that is right, it is finally real. It has been promised to us for almost a year, and today it becomes real.

To some, getting a new vehicle isn't that big a deal. To the MIT, it is a huge change. So huge that I am keeping Him out of school, so we can say goodbye to the old (but still drivable, but just barely) van, and great the new van. The MIT even wants to say a prayer for the old van when we take it to the junk yard. He can be so sweet.

So, today we drive the old van to the wrecker's and then my Mom is driving us out to get the new van. I am so excited. (pictures to come)

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Getting to be more like that time of year

So, today i have 3 reflexology appointments. Two this morning, and one tonight. That will knock the number of treatments i have left to get done to 16. Yup, i am going to make it. Not only am i going to make it, i am going to complete this. My Mom is really surprised. She really never did believe i would finish this. She is even letting me do her feet right now. She is funny though. She doesn't believe it does anything. She sees it just as a way of getting her feet pampered for an hour. Then again, during her session, she kept saying things like "when you did that, this happened". That was the best.

My sister has been doing better. She hasn't gotten into any trouble since my parents have gotten home. Then again, when you work nights, you don't really have a chance at a life. I am just proud of the fact that she has kept this job and is doing it.

With it being Christmas/Yule time, i am finding myself getting anxious again. Panic attacks rear their ugly heads when i think about going out to buy presents, or hit a busy mall. Not my idea of fun at all. My Sis came up with the perfect gift for Mike. So did i. That is still hard. Thinking of Him like He is still here. In the back of my head i keep thinking i am forgetting someone that i am supposed to have on my list.

At least the snow has arrived, and looks like it will be staying. I really hate not having a white Christmas. It also looks like Saturday the family will be going to get our trees. Hopefully by then i will have my new van. Last i heard, i was supposed to get it today. Guess i will wait and see.

Oh, and E, if you are reading this, my dream didn't come true LOL

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Christmas / Yule wish list

Dear Santa.

I have been a good girl this year. I have continued with my reflexology. I have taken time for myself. I have enjoyed my time with the MIT. I have kept seeing my therapist. Yes i have a few things to work on, like being there for my friends, and leaving the house more often. Over all, I think I have had a good year.

For Christmas I would like:
  1. gift certificate from White Flame Company (candles, candles and more candles)
  2. gift certificate from Chapters (books, books, and more books)
  3. living room blinds (not going to happen
  4. pj's, pj's and more pj's
  5. my dream lafuma chair (not going to happen)
  6. new coffee table
  7. my friends to not struggle so much
  8. for everyone to learn how to mosey and enjoy it
Thank you for looking at my list, and I hope you have a good month, and a great vacation after the season is over.


Christmas Time Again

Yes, it is that time of year where I take out all the "pre-tree" decorations and spruce up the house for the season. I didn't think I really wanted to, but by the end of last night, I had everything up and decorated the way I wanted. It even snowed last night to decorate outside for me.

I found Mike's stocking again. I also found a pair of His gloves. I had a few moments of sadness and longing, but it didn't stop me dead in my tracks, or prove to be debilitating. I hugged His stocking, and put it in my room. I will either find some place special to put it, or it will go in His drawer. I then spent the rest of the evening surrounded by lit candles and a fiery glow over the entire living room. I am so in love with my candles right now. I have at least one lit when ever I am home and awake.

Today I pick the MIT up from respite care at 12. He then goes with my sister to her work party. After that, it will be a nice evening home with Him and I doing as little as possible. He will complain about the decorations, that is part of who He is, but it is also part of our tradition. Next weekend is probably tree cutting day. That is always fun. We are going back to the same place as last year, and the year before that. I hope I don't get as weepy as last year.

Over the next few weeks, I will be working on getting presents done for my biological family, and my chosen family. I will also be concentrating on getting the last 20 procedures done for my reflexology (my final exam is on the 27th). It is going to be a busy month, but I am up for it.

It is a much cheerier year than last year.