Wednesday, September 30, 2009


Today sucks.

The MIT is still home from school. He will be off until at least Monday. Gods i hope it is only until Monday. i am sick. Sneezes abound. i feel like crap.

i have been eating better. The only problem is after 9. After 9, i feel sooooo hungry. i crave everything. Meat, chocolate, cereal even. The nurse says it is because my body isn't used to normal blood sugars, and it is like my body is saying i have a low sugar, and needs the food. Problem with me, is i can't stop. Once i start eating, i just can't stop. i don't know how to fix this yet. i will figure something out. i just don't know what yet.

i have shown L a site i thought She would like. Well, She did. i definitely have to start learning how to do tatting. i have so many ideas for gifts for people. All just doing tatting. Then there is back to painting and etching glass. So many ideas. i should start a list. Not here. Don't want anyone i am making for seeing what i am making. Maybe that is something i can do when i get hungry. Plus there is also knitting again. The MIT really likes my knitted blanket. i want to make a bigger one.

Ok, time to go get dinner ready and take my meds.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Sick, and other stuff

The MIT has been sick since we returned from camping. i sent Him to school on the Monday and the Tuesday, but then He was getting worse, so i have kept Him home since. He was much better on Friday, before He went to Rygiel, but came home sicker (is that a real word?). Usually He arrives at Rygiel perfectly well and comes home sick. i thought maybe it would work the opposite way this time, but i was wrong. So here i sit. Home with the MIT. Sick, myself. At least we got the all clear from the doctor saying it is just a cold.

i have decided to be a role model for my Dad. i have got to get back on the horse in keeping my blood sugars normal. Got to. How can i tell my Dad what to do, when i am doing the complete opposite? Yesterday was grocery shopping, and i have so much healthy food in the house, it is ridiculous. Yes there are treats for the MIT, but i am going to make myself stay away from them. i even have yogurt for me for my night time snack. Raspberry and dragon fruit is yummy. Today i was good and actually had breakfast. Egg and toast. Maybe if i eat all day (portion sizes and stuff) i won't feel so famished at night. That is a huge goal for me. i am even putting up my little post-it notes in the kitchen and around the house. "Eat breakfast", " Lunch at 1:00", "No snacking after 9:00", and my favourite "Follow YOUR plan!!!". Adding to all this, the keeping up on taking my meds (when i have them) and making sure i always have them. Plus there is the checking of the blood sugars. Time to kick it up a notch. i may even join the Y and get some exercise in. That would be a big help. There are some programs i am interested in. i just need to try them, so i can actually see if i can do them. This is where my Sis's membership will come in handy. She can let me join a few classes for a free trial before i decide what it is i want to participate in.

i am missing Thistle. She was cute and calming to me. i could just sit and hold her for hours. i want a hedgehog so badly. i have made a deal with my Sis, that once i am approved for ODSP, i can get one. i am going to get a male and E and i are going to breed them. Mine will be registered, so that can add to the value of the babies. i just have to find a registered breeder, and get the supplies, and then off we can go. Some research is involved, but i am up for it. Who knows, i may just end up with a clan of them.

L and i have reconnected. i am not going to let that friendship go. i will be emailing her, or calling her once a week. Same as i do with P. They can be so controlling LOL. That is partly why i love them both. It is nice and comforting to have my family back together. Now to get us all back in the same room at the same time.

Today is forms and deadlines. i have my "income assessment" for my housing to hand in today. i have meds to pickup. i have my gas bill to hand into OW to increase my check (they took off $100 because of my van). The increase will only be about $20, but everything helps.

Wow, this bdsm journal sure has nothing to do with bdsm. It hasn't for a while. Then again, that is where my life is right now. BDMS, not a priority. Getting my life somewhat normal is. You can't give over control of something you don't already have control over. That is what i am working on. Getting control of my life (where i can) so that when i find One that can handle me (LOL), i have my life under enough control, that giving over some of it, is a true symbol of my submission.

Well, time to go to the drug store, and then home to take meds.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Breaking the silence

i contacted Her. Finally. We figured out some stuff. We are good now. i am glad She accepted my friendship again. She is glad i accept Hers. It was and is time. It was bitter sweet catching-up with Her. All the things we have both missed out of the other's lives. It is all good though. i am sure we will be doing more catching-up. i can't wait to see Her. i need to give Her one of my hugs. i need to feel one of Hers.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Dad, MIT, and Adventures

So Dad is fine. Well, not really but yes. He had an angiogram, and it came back normal. No blockages, not to much plaque, no issues that needed to be addressed. So he was discharged on Wednesday. He is diabetic (type 2), but he won't acknowledge it. He does have high blood pressure, but he won't acknowledge it. He has heart damage (it only is working at 65%), but he won't acknowledge it. So what do we do this weekend?

We go camping!!!!!

Yes i took Dad, and the MIT camping again. Dad was on restrictions on what he was allowed to do, but didn't stick to them, and i didn't smother him. i would ask how he was feeling when he looked pale. i would check his blood sugars in the morning, or when he felt faint. i let him try to listen to his body. That is the only way he will learn. i also allowed him and the MIT to gang up on me and boss me around a little.

i also controlled what we all ate. i made sure it was all healthy, and included lots of veggies, and had moderate amounts of carbs. Of course i also made sure everyone took their meds when they were supposed to.

Yes it was stressful, but it was also fun and to me, curiously enough, relaxing. i still say we needed more fire wood. i will make sure we have enough next time.

Today is laundry and dishes day. Plus, i get to take a splinter out of my leg. Other than that, enjoy the quiet while the MIT is at school.

Happy Mabon. i will be doing a little ritual tonight, and will be serving stew (celebrating the harvest of root veggies and squash and "fall veggies"), apple crisp, and whole grain bread. Plus i will be making a fire in my BBQ again. i really love this time of year.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Dad update

Well, Dad is stable. Sort of. His blood pressure is still fluctuating. His legs are still swollen. He still gets winded easily. At least he is out of emerg. and in a room in the day surgery ward. No TV or phone for him, but access to the smoking area.

The MIT has gone with Mom. She will be keeping Him tonight. Now i get to fall to pieces.

i am so scared. i don't want to loose my Daddy. i don't like him being old. i don't like him being sick. i don't like worrying about him. i don't know what will happen with the MIT if Dad dies. They are so close. i don't think He can handle that amount of loss. Then again, i don't know if I can handle that amount of loss.

i haven't been vomiting. i think my brain told my body it had to get better so i can go and see him. i am scared to go and see him. i don't want to see him in a hospital bed. i don't want to see him hooked up to monitors.

He will be in for a while. They will be starting testing on Monday. Checking his heart, veins flow, arterial flow. Those sort of things. i may have to cancel the camping trip we have scheduled for this coming weekend. He told me on the phone not to cancel it. Mom says he is to stay there and take all the tests no matter how long it takes, or until the staff kick him out for being a pain in the ass.

i just need to go and cry for a while. Just let out this fear and then go and visit him. It has to be before 8. That is when hours are over. i may even find a way to stay the night with him. Go out for smokes with him.

So off i go. To hide and cry and panic for a little while. Then put on my Advocate face and go see him.

Realizing parents get old

For the last few weeks, my Dad hasn't been feeling well. He wouldn't go to the doctor. He hasn't gone to one in 8 years. Thursday night, my Dad told my Mom to make an appointment with the doctor for him. Damn, he must have been feeling really bad.

At the doctor's, they found out that his blood pressure was dangerously high (288/172), his legs were swollen, and he has been feeling light headed. The doctor sent him directly to the hospital. They processed him immediately (the doctor had called ahead). The results?

Dad will be in the hospital for a little bit. He needs his blood pressure to come down. He had a heart attack in the last 24 hours. There may be damage to his heart, but don't know how much.

It isn't often i feel helpless. This is one of them. See, i am sick. i have been vomiting, and nauseous for the last 2 days. i just forced myself to eat something to make sure i won't throw up. If i don't throw up, i am going to go and see him. i am going to get answers i need. i am going to check him all over myself, just to make sure he is being treated well.

Logically, i know my Dad is getting older, and health problems should be expected. Emotionally, he is my Daddy. He never gets sick. He can handle anything. He is like superman.

Me? i am feeling like Daddy's little girl that needs him to tell me everything will be alright and fine, and nothing bad will happen.