Hanging by a thread

That is how I have been feeling lately.  Like I am hanging by a thread, and more and more weight is pulling, and pulling me to the point where I just can't hold on any longer.

First it was TJ in emergency.  Second was Charlie getting neutered.  Third was Charlie eating the razor.  Forth was TJ's change in his room (will talk about this) Fifth was TJ not eating (will talk about this).  Sixth was the washing machine breaking. Seventh was the van needing making grinding noises when breaking (will talk about this also).  Eighth was the van going in and the estimate for that (will talk about).  Ninth was Dad "fixing" my washing machine (will talk about).  Tenth is my Mom yelling at me at every turn.

So, on the 16th, Mom and Dad came over and put a new TV in TJ's room.  That should have been no big deal.  The big deal was that Dad needed my help to install the TV and digital cable box.  It just wouldn't work.  Add Mom being bossy, Charlie needing help, and TJ watching "on demand" all at the same time, and me feeling like I being pulled in so many directions.  I had to actually yell about someone taking Charlie out of the house for a short bit, so I could actually help Dad.

On the 17th (and partly the 16th) TJ decided that his stomach hurt / was upset and he couldn't eat.  He was still drinking, but wouldn't eat anything.  It was thought that he gave eating up for lent, but that wasn't really what happened.  He has stopped telling us when his head is hurting, because none of me medications he can take, help his head.  Going along with this, migraines make his stomach yucky. Tuesday I was really scared.  Kept TJ home Wednesday (the 23, turned out to be a snow day) so I could take him to the doctor's.  That was a flop, so I kept him home on Thursday (24) and was able to get him seen.  The doctor gave him Boost.  I have convinced TJ that Boost is a medicine lie what they gave Charlie after his surgery, to coat the stomach, and make it feel better.  Since drinking the first bottle Thursday at lunch, TJ has had pizza Thursday night, oatmeal and hot chocolate Friday morning, his second dose of Boost and pizza for lunch on Friday, and pigged out at my Nana's house.  So I am feeling much better about all that.

Wednesday (the 23) morning I put a load in the washing machine, and it broke.  The agitator stopped.  I told my parents.  Dad decided he wanted to come over and fix it. So I now have TJ home from school, and Dad here, along with caring for Charlie.  TJ is settled in his room, so he isn't a problem, but Charlie still needs to stay out of Dad's way, and be kept happy. Eventually, Dad figures out the part that is the problem (4 hours later) and so we clean up the kitchen so Charlie can run free, but TJ is still home and the nurse is supposed to be here, so I can take Charlie out for a walk.  Nurse cancels, because she has had a car accident.  I get yelled at Mom for not being nice to Dad, and then hung up on when Mom doesn't like that I put the phone to Dad's ear to tell her I have been nice, and I am stressed.  No walk for Charlie or for me.  Hanging by a thread.

Thursday I am supposed to see Karen.  Instead, that is the time I can take TJ in to see the doctor.  Doctor gives us the magic Boost.  I call Karen to cancel, and start crying on the phone because everything is feeling like a weight on me.  Take TJ to the doctor.  Solve the eating problem because I am still able to manipulate TJ, and then Dad takes my van in to get an estimate.  I give him the instructions on what ODSP needs if they are going to help pay for the repairs.  3 hours later, Dad finally goes and picks-up the van, and brings back a copy of the fax they sent.  It doesn't have my name on it.  That has to be on it for ODSP to consider it.  Call ODSP, then call Ford back, and have them re-fax the estimate.

Today (Friday 25), TJ goes to school and me more relaxed because he ate breakfast.  I have a dentist appointment, go and then come home.  Dad now comes over to fix the washing machine.  This kills my schedule with Charlie, and means Charlie is on leash in the house.  Dad takes from 1:30 - 4:30 to get the job done, but while working on it, another part falls out, and Dad gets hurt.  Mom calls I am frustrated because it feels like the washer won't get fixed and is actually getting worse.  She calls and starts yelling at me. TJ comes home.  Mom calls again, talks to TJ, asks to talk to me, yells at me and I hang up.  Mom comes to pick-up TJ and tells me how frustrated she was when she was yelling at me, and I explain how frustrated I was when she was yelling at me, and Dad says we are all done with it, and Mom walks away saying "I don't think so".
Dad comforts me.  The washer is working (then we find 2 screws - don't ask). He leaves, and I run a load through the machine.  Charlie and I have dinner, and then we lie down on my bed and fall asleep.  TJ comes home early from karate (I didn't answer the phone when Mom called to let me know this is happening).  I put Charlie in his crate (since it is crate time) and stay lying in bed until 10:45 when I finally put TJ to bed.

And so now, I am awake. I will be heading back to bed soon.  I need to make sure I am ok for taking Charlie over to Mom and Dad's for play time tomorrow.

The good news is, I have not done any problem behaviour.  I have really wanted to.  I mean, really, really want to. Even right now, I would love to cut.  I would love to just take enough pills to not wake-up tomorrow.  I would even add booze to the pills.  I am not doing this.  I am sleeping a lot (not a good thing) but I am not doing any problem behaviour.  Karen says that is a good thing.  I have also been effective during all of this.  I have called ODSP about the van.  I have taken TJ to the doctor.  I have hit or killed anyone.  My washer is fixed.  TJ is "fixed".  Soon the van will be fixed.  I guess that means the DBT therapy is working.  I hate that I am crying so much.  I hate that I can't just push my feelings aside and become that robot I used to be.  It feels like it makes my thread a little thinner.

Thelma is scheduled to come tomorrow. 

Earth day is tomorrow, and I intend to celebrate it the same way I always do. Candles and a fire out back.  Maybe that will help me to relax and start to feel normal again.

Bringing in 2011

Normally, I do up a sort of recount of my resolutions from last year, and list new ones.  I am not going to do that this year.  There is too much going on.  There is too much in my head right now to even think about it.

My Godfather/Uncle died on the 28th.  His funeral is on the 3rd.  I am sad and full of regret.  I have learned that regret and guilt are two different emotions.  Regret I can handle.  Guilt, leads to shame and I don't want/need that.

I have actually decided to go out tonight to a house party to hear a friend play with his band.  This will be the first NYE I have ever gone "out" to.  Yes I spent NYE with E, P, C, T, and D a few years ago, but no getting drunk and hitting on young men that year.  It was a stay in the house kind of event.  This year is different.  Oh yeah, and I am getting dressed for it.  Fancy top, and new jeans.  I am going to show off my new size. I am going to show off my boobs.  I am actually looking forward to this.  What to wear is laid out. Schedule has been made up so I do not forget to do anything.  I will actually be wearing a bit of makeup to this thing. 

I am going to be jumping in with both feet, to distract myself from what will be happening on Sunday and Mondays. This is called Opposite Emotion.  Yes, another DBT thingy. 

Next year is all about learning more about emotions, DBT thingies, not binging (and loosing weight because of it), not drinking to much, and just being healthier in mind and body. 

Happy New Years to all.

A month gone by....

Therapy is going well.  I am getting along with the group and learning more and more skills.  My individual therapy is also going well.  Karen and I are now moving to the point where I get to experience an emotion, for a controlled amount of time, and discuss how it felt.  It is hard getting used to opening myself up like that.  Unlike with Sandy, I trust Karen to not let me get away with going "intellectual" when I need to be emotional.

It seems I have mastered a number of the main skills.  My favourite is One Mindfully.  It is like meditating on what I am doing without any outward distractions.  Even putting laundry away is different with this skill.  Another is called Self Sooth.  Having a bath with oils or bubbles.  Doing my nails.  Having a cup of tea.  All these are self soothing things that can bring me back down to a peaceful space.  I like learning this stuff.  I didn't think I would, but I really am.

I am still seeing my puppy.  He is fun.  He is a distraction.  He is safe. 

The MIT is still, slowly, moving backwards.  He is getting more and more unstable.  Pictures are going to have to come down soon, so none get broken as He stumbles into the walls.  His health has also diminished.  He has been sick since the middles of September, and can't seem to shake what He has.  Since He has been so sick, so have I.

Right now, my health sucks.  I have a bad cough, and can't seem to shake it.  Tomorrow is the doctor's to see if my chest has cleared up, or gotten worse. 

Samhain was nice.  I hung bones in my tree.  I did what I wanted to do.  I served a good dinner.  I am sad I celebrated alone.  The MIT wasn't even here for it.  I did it for me.  I enjoyed it.  I enjoyed preparing for the night.  I enjoyed writing my regrets and burning them.  I enjoyed forgiving myself, and letting things go. 

Tonight I can say that things are good.  I am content.

What a group

Today was my first DBT group session.  I was so nervous, I was awake at 5:30, and pacing by 8:00.  I didn't know what to expect.  I didn't know what to take.  I was in pain and tired.

It really wasn't all that bad.  The group is all women.  There is homework to be done.  There was a lot of talking and answering questions.  I talked a lot more than I thought I would.  I guess I got the smarts to do all this, I just have to find the motivation and gumption to actually use the techniques to help myself. 

After group, I had a bit of time by myself.  I found out I was going to have a nurse for me for the next little while.  Wound management.  Someone to pull out the stuffing (sorry, packing) out of the hole in my groin, and then, without freezing, stuffing the hole back up again.  The nurse I had today was quite nice.  I will probably have a new one Thursday. 

Right now, I am exhausted.  I have been up since 5:30, and plan on getting up at that early morning time for the rest of the week.  This gives me some quiet time to myself before TJ gets up, and helps my body get used to the school schedule.  Once 11 comes around, and I take my antibiotic, I am heading to bed. 

Oh yeah.  My sugars have been normal all day, and I know I have lost some more weight

ER visit, and tomorrow

Tonight, I had to go to the ER.  I spiked a fever today, and ended up ignoring TJ and slept most of the day.  When I was finally ok enough to get up and moving, I fed TJ and myself, called the doctor on call, and then headed to the hospital.

The cyst I had (my second in 2 weeks and third in 2 months) turned into an abses.  Yuck. Yuck and painful.  I wasn't at the hospital too long, and they took good care of me.  Considering how nervous I am about tomorrow, I think my body gave me something to worry about instead of the morning.

Tomorrow is my first group DBT session.  The fist one out of 52.  I am really really scared.  OK, scared is not the right answer.  Nervous.  Very nervous.  I have no idea what to expect.  I know there will be a mindfulness exercise first.  I know how to "act" with that.  It is the rest of the stuff I am nervous about.  The new people.  How many people. 

With the pain distracting me, I think I will have enough to keep my mind more calm tomorrow.

I have also started reading my Wicca books again.  I know parts of the therapy include beliefs in a "higher power" and it is time I get back in touch with mine.  So, reading, and walking barefoot in my backyard, at any time in the day, are my starter points. 

Time to go to bed so I am up to my best, as much of my best I can be,

Tuesday roundup

So yesterday was a good day.  TJ and I spent some quality time together.  I didn't hear from Joseph, so I knew something was wrong.  I gave myself a pampering by sitting out back, music blaring while reading my book.  I am actually happy.

It has been a good week actually.  Less frustration.  Less back pain.  Less maladaptive behaviour.  Good all around good week.  I keep living each moment at a time.It is as if, since meeting with the DBT therapist, I have been really conscious about my actions.  Especially where TJ and Joseph are concerned. 

With TJ, it is a big daily change.  No yelling at him.  I breath when I get frustrated.  I turn my frustration into jokes or compromises.  I take the time to sit and talk with him.  We sit quietly watching shows and then talking during the commercials. 

With Joseph, it is about communication.  I talk about how I feel when he doesn't call me during the day.  How I feel like he forgets about me, or is scared of talking to me when things go too good or too bad.  I hear him when he tells me stuff, and have yet to pull the "It is your fault for not saying anything", instead of taking responsibility for my actions. 

With family, I am still struggling.  Karen and I had talked about "radically accepting" the fact that Cindy and TJ communicate in a weird, kind of bickering, way.  Mom and TJ are no better.  Thelma is also one I need to act that way with.  I can't change how they all act towards one another.  It is not my job to fix them, so I need to let it go.  I am still learning.  At least I haven't done anything to harm myself or my relationships.

I am keeping my altar nice.  I still haven't written in my BOS.  I haven't really done any meditation, or candle work or anything.  My beliefs are always in my mind, but I can't seem to bring myself to practice, or pray even.  It is like I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now it is about getting better.  Getting the tools to keep myself sane and out of the hospital. 

Joseph and I are doing well.  We have hit the 2 month mark (actually we hit if on Sunday).  We love each other and are learning more and more about each other each day.  We are each working on this relationship AS a relationship, and not just dating. We are taking the time to hear each other out.  We are accepting each other's faults, and even music.  We are taking care of each other.  Me teaching him about his finances, and him helping me stay on my meal plan.  The amount of food he leaves cooked when he leaves is astounding.  this is a give and take relationship, not a give and give or take and take relationship. 

So today, I am happy, TJ is happy, and Joseph is happy.  Things are good. I am smiling.

Not feeling good at all

I went to bed early and sick.  I woke up late and sick.  Seems like I may have the flu.  "Runny poops", nausea, stiff muscles, head ache, sweats and chills with an over all feeling of sick.  My Sis is the one that said it sounds like the flu.  All I know is that I feel like crap and wish I could just stay in bed and sleep whatever this is off.  Then again, I am a Mom, so that is impossible. Sis helped by bringing TJ over breakfast.  Now I am up, and trying not to toss cookies.  I have a sink full of dishes and a few things to cook up today.  Other than that, I am going to take it easy as much as possible.  TJ is helping out with that as much as he can. 

The weekend went well.  Joseph and I went for drives.  He cooked for me.  He made sure I actually ate, and have food left over for the week.  I have BBQ'ed ribs, chicken and steak ready to be heated up and eaten.  I am well prepared for the week ahead, if only I actually didn't look at food and heave.  LOL.

He will be back this weekend.  Arriving on Friday and leaving early on Sunday.  Sunday we are celebrating Sis's birthday, and she doesn't want him there.  I understand.  Her birthday is about her and not my boyfriend meeting more family.

Wicca and therapy were brush away for the weekend.  Most of the time was spent enjoying each moment.  On walks I would find little things that I wanted to keep to remind me about the time outside.  I got a few rocks, and an interesting "flower".  They are now on my alter.  A symbol of the season and of what I am drawn too. 

Hopefully I will feel better soon.  I will do the dishes.  I will cook up the mushrooms and onions.  I will, no matter how I feel today, be the good Mom and do what needs to be done. 

Skipped a day and the rest of the weekend

Friday was good, and not so good.  Good was the way TJ and I interacted and played and joked and just enjoyed each other.  Good was Joseph coming for the weekend, eating home BBQed ribs and going for a drive.

Not so good was telling Sandy what happened to me when I was around 17 years old.  It had been my homework from Karen.  I did as I was asked.  I got lost in time as I was talking to Sandy.  I did a lot of talking and crying.  Sandy got into the "why" I would have felt like I did.  How could I answer that?  I still don't know why I thought I deserved to be treated so badly or why I still question if I deserve to be treated nicely.  I couldn't answer all that.  I wanted to just run away after telling her all about it.  I felt shame and yucky.

What I am proud of is I didn't do any of the maladaptive behaviour.  I did not yell at TJ at all.  I did not take any extra meds.  I did not stuff my face with chocolate. I did not do anything that would hurt me in any way.  I am very proud of myself that I found other ways to deal with the panic and stress I was feeling.  Heck, I even watched Dr. Oz.  I never watch that show.  Guess what they were talking about.  Stress. 

Over all, Friday was good.  One little blip, but that will turn out good soon too.  For the rest of the weekend, I am going to be spending time with Joseph and relaxing and enjoying being cooked for, and having the dishes done. 

We are off for a drive.  Bye until Sunday night.

Up early in the morning

Since I was up, and I just realized I hadn't done an entry for yesterday, I thought now would be a good time.

Yesterday was good.  I went to the doctor, for my usual bi-weekly appointment.  Blood pressure, very good.  Weight, down a bit.  Back pain, new drugs.  Other than that, all is good with my body.  Just wish my back pain would go away.

TJ and I had a good day.  Quiet times around the house.  If I felt my temper or voice rising, I would take a deep breath and make things playful.  Changed channels on him just because.  Made my voice and what we were doing into a joke.  I kept things light and ended up not yelling at him at all. 

Then, as I was getting ready for bed, my anxiety rose.  Today I am supposed to tell Sandy about the PTSD symptoms, and tell her the incident that caused them.  I am not looking forward to that.  I feel that it is one of the reasons I am up at this time of day. 

So, to keep calm, and not panic, I am doing a load of laundry so TJ has clothes for when he goes to Rygiel House this weekend.  I am taking naps, so I am not so tired.  I am planning my courses of action for today so when the anxiety rises, I don't do any of my maladaptive behaviour.  This is called IMPROVE the moment.

IMPROVE stands for

Imagery - imagine hurtful emotions draining out of you like water out of a pipe as you breath deeply

Meaning - fine the purpose in this pain, like telling Sandy so we can treat the symptoms

Prayer - go outside and commune with nature works with me.  Opening myself up by asking the Goddess and God to help bear the pain

Relaxation - having a cup of herbal tea and breathing deeply when ever I get the chance.  Breath while in the shower or out back.  Relax my muscles in the shower.

One thing in the moment - focus on what I am doing while I am doing it.  Be mindful of what I am doing.  Don't start thinking of what I am going to speak to Sandy about

Vacation - take mini breaks like going out back and reading (my oasis).

Encourage - cheer myself on with telling myself that I can do this.  I lived this physically, it is now time to live it out loud.  Make a plan and tell myself how good of a plan it is and that it will all work out.

So, for me herbal tea in the morning instead of caffine (caffine raises anxiety).  Taking time outs and going out back for a breather (waiting 1 min before having a smoke).  Putting laundry away.  Packing TJ's bags and wheelchair up, for when he goes to Rygiel.  Telling my self that I can do this without anything extra in my system (sugar, pills, etc).  Going out back to read. Maybe do my nails while Sis is here. 

So that is what I am going to do later today.  Time to change over the laundry and go back to bed for a few hours. 

Things move forward.

So today was therapy day.  Karen and I had made a deal about me showing up with just my prescribed amount of pain killers in my system.  I kept that deal.  I also took her what happened last night and this morning.  She was very proud of me.  We also followed her game plan about doing a "behavioural chain".

A behavioural chain is when you examine what led to doing your maladaptive behaviour.  So we studied what I did last week.  Taking the extra Perc.  After studying why I did it, as in what lead up to it, we problem solved what I could have done differently and what I could do next time.  I didn't understand all of it, but I have the basic idea. 

My "homework" (DBT is big on homework) is to do a behaviour chain each time I do some maladaptive behaviour.  It could be as bad as taking extra pills, to just yelling at TJ, to just as simple as scratching my arm to inflict pain.  That and I am to tell Sandy about my past and symptoms of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).

Today was a good therapy day.  I didn't even pick-up chocolate at the drugstore when I went and picked-up my meds I had on order.  Today is a very good day.

Plodding forward

TJ and I have had a good day.  We watched TV.  We had cuddle time.  We told each other jokes.  It was a nice day together.  Right now he is at karate.  Quiet time for me.  The nurse will be here when he returns. She will take care of giving him a bath and such.  I guess I should be happy and relaxing, but NOPE.  Instead I am antsy. 

I am having a hard time just even sitting here is difficult.  Concentrating on typing this is difficult (this bit should be part of my therapy and how I am doing section LOL).  I don't want to curl up and relax.  I don't want to go out back and read with candles and relax.  I keep wanting to move and pace and just feel jittery.  I guess it is time to invoke some of my little DBT training.  Also, I should write how I am feeling for tomorrow when I meet up with Karen.

Joseph has called twice.  He can be so cute.  Today he wanted to hear he was right.  Right about something called the OST.  He was, and I admitted it.  He also called to let me know I was right about something.  It is really cute the way we act.  If this was someone else's relationship, I would be saying that the way we are acting was so sweet it was giving me a tooth ache.

I didn't get to writing down my Beltane ritual.  I guess I have been feeling this way more than just now.  I just couldn't sit down and do it.  I got out my BOS.  I lit some candles.  I just couldn't put pen to paper.  Tonight is not the night to do it.  Not unless I can calm myself down. 

Off to try to calm down.  Find a settled down place in side myself.  Time to use ACCEPTS.  Time to do the dishes.  Time to find a way to settle. 

Going to try this once a day thing.

So yes.  I am going to try "writing" here once a day.  I will cover family / relationships, wicca, and therapy.  I will cover each of these things each day.  There will be other stuff, but those are going to be the beginning of each post.  So, here we go.

TJ (formally MIT) and I are having a nice quiet day.  Well, quiet in the sense that he is busy watching TV and I am busy doing cleaning and thinking and stuff.  Basically, daily keeping up with chores.  I am also missing Joseph.  It is nice missing him, but I really, really do miss him.  He brings smiles to my face just like TJ does.  Both do silly little things, just to make me smile.  TJ is doing the same thing today.  Doing silly things just to make me smile.  I am a very lucky woman right now.

I need to update my BOS.  I haven't written my rituals since Beltane.  I have kept a record of them, but I would like them to be secure in my BOS.  I need to just sit down, in the quiet, with my candles lit around me and take the time to write in my BOS.  That is something I really need to do.

I haven't had any ill thoughts.  Not lately.  I am struggling with not taking certain meds when I really don't need them.  I am going to try to pull myself off of them.  I will let my therapist know how I am doing with it.  Actually, both therapists.  I see both of them this week.  One on Wednesday and one on Friday.  I know the session on Wednesday will be a tough one.  I really don't want to go to it sober in any way shape or form.  I will.  I made a promise and I will keep it.  I will show up there sober and probably in a lot of pain (my back).  I will listen to her, and I will participate in the conversation and learning. 

Other than all that?  My back still hurts.  I am actually eating 3 times a day.  I am taking my meds 4 times each day.  I am cooking what is in the house, and not ordering in on the credit card.  Next step is to get back to some sort of exercise to work on my back and my core.  Weight loss is not my goal.  Getting out of pain definitely is. 

Time for "regular" TV and time on the couch with TJ.  Maybe he and I will go out to Hewitt's for some ice cream. 

New Therapist

Today I met Karen. She might become my new DBT therapist. Right now we are "dating" to see if we are a good fit.

I like her. She is not full of bullshit. She is upfront of what she expects of me. She is upfront of what she can not tolerate. She is upfront with what we are going to be working on, and how we are to communicate. She is also someone with a great sense of humour.

I know there will be times when I will hate her. I know there will be times I won't want to see her. I know that the commitment I am going to be making to the DBT therapy is a big one. I know I can make that commitment. I have already made a commitment to her. I will never again show up on more medication than I have been prescribed.

Yes I did show up today with an extra Percocet in my system, and I was honest about it. I will never do that again. She wants to meet the real me, not the drugged me. No matter how much I want to justify that the extra drug actually shows the real me, it isn't true.

So, I have committed to doing the therapy. I have committed to showing up without any "extra" help. For now, I will continue with both Karen and Sandy, until Karen's schedule and client list can accommodate me. Then, I will only be seeing Karen for a year, plus a little few months of supportive therapy, while I move back to being Sandy's client again.

I like this plan.

Hard Hitting

This weekend, the anniversary, has hit me hard. So hard I had a breakdown at therapy. Big breakdown.

I cried and cried. I can't understand how I could miss someone who actually treated me like an extra. Yes I have said He never treated me as such, but in reality, that is exactly how He treated me. He had His wife. He had His Mistress. He had others. I never said boo. I never said stop. I tried to understand. I excused His lying. I excused His bullshit. I excused everything, just so I could be with Him. How could I let someone treat me that way. As an extra. Not someone worthy of the truth, respect, and attention I actually deserved. What I deserve now.

Yesterday, I took down his pictures. I cleaned out his drawer. I kept some things, threw others away, and gave away a few. I want him out of my thoughts. Out of my memories. Out of my feelings. I know it is unrealistic. I know he will always be a part of me. 6 1/2 years is a long time to be with someone. For this weekend, I just want to not feel so bad. Too bad I can't control that.

Today is about not doing the "maladaptive" behaviour. No cutting. No over eating. No spending lots and lots of money. No drinking lots of alcohol. No sleeping the day away. It is about embracing my feelings of anger and sorrow. It is about being in the now (sometimes called mindfullness).

Today is going to be about beautifying my surroundings. "From sorrow springs growth." That is my mantra for today. I need to do it, without going out and spending a lot of money. I have already planted the front garden. I have already planted my one pot flower. The back patio has been swept.

I know I want new patio furniture. I know I want to buy lots of herbs. I know I want to buy new bird feeders. I want to buy and buy and buy. I also want to drink and drink and drink. I had one drink last night. I wanted more. The tequila is calling out to me. My credit card is calling me. My savings is calling to me. I will fight it. I will use the techniques they taught me in the hospital. I will concentrate on letting myself feel, and just enjoying the day.

Time to let sorrow bring growth.

Decissions and letting go

When i was in the hospital, one of the things i had to learn, was how to let go of things i had no control over. The MIT having His abuser attend His church. People i couldn't fix. My friends father's illness. i am still learning that lesson.

i need to get guardianship over my son. If i was to do it, He would end up with a public guardian. Someone who doesn't know Him and someone i don't know. My parents made the decision that we are going to get a lawyer involved, so He won't get a public guardian. So now, instead of looking over paperwork, filling out forms, stressing over what will happen next, i can just sit back, do as i am told and let it go from there. Some might say i am avoiding the responsibility of doing all the work, but i am not. i still stress over not getting the guardianship in time for a medical emergency. i still stress over the cost of the lawyer. i have learned to let go of things i have no control over. Mom and Dad offering to pay for the lawyer, just means i can let go of stressing over the other things. It is good.

i have decided to go to the "Intensive DBT" training. This means i loose my therapist Sandy. i have been seeing Sandy for almost 4 years. i started seeing her 4 months after Mike died. She and i work well together. Yes i will get a new therapist, but they won't know me. They won't know all the old shit i still have to deal with. They will be concentrating over the new shit and what is called "maladaptive behaviour". What i do when the bad shit rears its ugly head and how i "cope". i only made the decision after making sure i could go back to Sandy once the year is over, and i don't loose her while i am on the waiting list. We decided together, but i made the final call. So yes, i am loosing a great resource and support, but am going to be gaining techniques to deal with everyday stuff.

i have been walking almost every day. Last night i even just did laps around my survey because the MIT was alone in the house and i had to stay close by. It helps stop my over eating. It makes me feel good. It is helping my stomach shrink. i just have to remember to do it, no matter how i really feel at the moment i am supposed to be doing it. Also, i have a plan for each day of what i need to get done, and when to do it. Mornings are for cleaning or shopping or both, and afternoons are for the walk. An extra walk when i am find myself bored or have the munchies is also added to the schedule. Oh, and i also have allotted time to just sit with a cup of tea (i got my order from Steeped Teas) and read a book. It helps keep my mind busy and gives me an excuse to walk to the library every day.

So that is my update. i have made some good decisions, and have learned that letting go can be less stressful, but not stressless. Go ME!!!

Summer is almost finished. Plus some introspection.

With summer vacation coming to an end, i have to say that i finally got the MIT and Dad camping. Finally. We went from the 6-8 and had a great, quiet time. Well other than the Raccoons hunting and gathering from our site. LOL. i have already booked our weekend in September. It did help throw in my face how much the MIT has lost in a year. He couldn't get up to go to the "pee tree" by Himself. One of us had to have at least 2 hands on Him at all times, and that was with Him having both sides working. He nearly fell into the fire 6 times.

i can't wait for school to start. At least then i will be getting some sleep during the days. Until then, it is up all night and sleep when i get the chance. Tomorrow Sis is taking the MIT to a movie. i can sleep then.

So the therapist and i started the "borderline personality disorder" questionnaire, and wouldn't you know it, i might be bi-polar LOL. i get to ask friends and family if they have ever seen my "manic" and how i acted, and how i was, and if they have ever seen the large depression afterwards. Great, feedback i really don't want to hear about.

On the BDSM side of me. Still nothing. No desire for it. No desire to put myself out there. i know that side is still in me. When ever P comes for a visit i can drop right back into that mindset. i just try really hard not to. It makes me feel too alone afterwards, even after just asking for a smoke, or asking Him if He wants something to drink. The loneliness afterwards is so hard.

i know that if i ever did get involved like that with someone, it would have to be with someone just for me. At least for a little while. Just so i can get my bearings back again, and not have to go home feeling so alone again.

i am actually missing L a lot. i had felt such a connection with Her. i know She is going through a lot, and Her life isn't easy right now. i wish i could be a help to Her. i just don't know if She will ever be able to accept me for who i am, and if She will ever want me back in Her life. She did say some things that really hurt me. i know me though. i know i can forgive and forget. i just don't know if She can, or if She wants to. i still feel that connection to Her, even without speaking to Her in almost a year. i am just not going to make the first move on this. Not this time. i have gone back to Her too many times with my tail between my legs.

After therapy.

So i had therapy on Friday. Only a few things were really said. One being said (and the most important one in my head) is that i am going to be tested for borderline personality disorder. Great. Like i don't feel crazy enough already.

So much to say?

There is so much to say right now. i am going to try to keep on topic in each paragraph, but i can't promise that is going to happen.

The MIT is deteriorating still. He is loosing milestones still. His balance is way off. He falls more. He gets hurt more often. He hardly has good days. Most days He only has one side that works. At least 2 days a week are full blown and hard. He knows His body is against Him. It is hard watching Him be so aware that He is doing worse physically. He gets so frustrated. i can totally understand why. Going outside or even going to get groceries is taxing on His body. He would much rather sit on the couch, loose sides and be comfortable. At least that way He knows He is safe from getting hurt. It is sad watching my active and karate kid not want to do anything. At least we still do cuddles and have started paper ball fights. That brings smiles to His face.

People i called friends, have been having a difficult time of things lately. i feel sorry for them. i feel their grief. i feel their torment. i had wished they would be a couple that would make it. It doesn't look like that would happen. Yes i have been keeping tabs on them. They were such a big part of my life for a long time. i no longer hold hard feelings for them. i actually miss Her. i wish she would let me back in Her life. i will not push it. It is up to Her. i always loved to serve Her. To be in Her presence. She brought out a side of me that i have lost. Maybe out paths will cross again. Maybe they won't. Whatever happens in the future, i hope She knows that i am here for Her. When She is ready.

Now on to me. i am a still a screwed-up, depressed version of me, but that side has always been there. i go to therapy every 1-2 weeks. i am on plenty of medications to treat the depression and anxiety. i talk of my feelings openly to my therapist. i don't hide how i feel with her anymore. i don't deflect as much. i know she can't fix that part of me. Heck, i can't fix that part of me. All i or she can do is help me manage it. She can help me express my feelings over the MIT and the changes He is going through. She lets me bounce ideas off her. She lets me come to decisions on my own.

i have found myself much calmer since making a major decision.

i am no longer looking for the elusive Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress that likes someone that is experienced, knows her limits and is happy to explore them with someone she knows. i am no longer on any of the "searching" sites. No profile on Collarme, Bondage, or Alt. There isn't any point. All the Tops that are searching seem to be looking for someone that is new and young and skinny. It isn't me. i am experienced. i am confident in my abilities. i am not into plain kinky sex. i need more than that. i need someone that would be comfortable in the "dating before playing" to get to know someone. i need someone that is confident in their selves enough to know that an older woman is still a precious commodity. i need someone that understands i may be a little broken, but am putting the pieces together myself. So i came to the decision that i don't need it. i don't need the constant looking. i don't need the "kneel now" emails. i don't need the people looking for kinky sex. i don't need to look. i am comfortable in just being. i have gone so far as to put all the toys away. They are in Mike's old suitcase. They are available, but not in use. They are away, along with that side of me that craves the pain and submission. It wasn't an easy decision, but one that has brought me peace.

With this transformation, i have acquired 2 things on my body. A cutting of Mike's initials, and a tattoo. The cutting is a reminder that His influence on me will never leave. It is a sign of how much of who i am now, is because of Him. It is also a symbol of that piece of me that is still missing. The tattoo is another reminder. It is of a locket, like the one Mike gave me as my daily collar, with His leather collar around the bottom, and our favourite whip (Raven's Kiss) trailing behind. It is beautiful. It is a symbol of who i was, who i am, and who i can be again.

In a way, i feel like i have awaken. i have found a comfortable spot in the universe for me. Sure it isn't where i pictured i would be in 2009, but it is where i am. i am Mom. i am not slave, submissive, or someone's. i am me.

Oh, here is a pic of my tattoo the day it was done.

One week since

It has been one week since my surgery. It has been one week since i decided to quit smoking. So here is what has been happening.

Surgery - it went really well. The doctor was able to reach my fallopian tubes and clip them. i am now not able to get pregnant. i no longer have to worry about a little egg getting fertilized. Now, when i miss months of periods, i don't have the worry about possibly being pregnant (in those times i actually have sex). The hole in my belly button is healing slowly. The hole above my c-section scare is well passed healed. i have bruising on my belly that would scare some sadists (not any i know but you get the idea). The doctor had said she sends most people back to work a week after the surgery. When i reminded her that my "work" includes lifting a 150 lb teenage boy, she said i should take 3 weeks. Like that is possible. He (the MIT) decided that the surgery was going to make me sweeter and nicer and not so mean. He realized that wasn't the case when i sent Him to bed at 8:00 because of bad behaviour. i think i have to stop letting Him watch so many dog programs.

Stopping smoking - It has been over a week without a smoke. my sense of smell is heightened (i can even smell the meds on the patches i put on every morning). my sense of taste is better. The cold i had left with in days. i have been knitting. i am almost 1/2 way done. i am making a Quaker Stitch afghan. See :

It is an interesting stitch. i am really enjoying it. i knit when i feel like having a smoke or even if i am just bored and am thinking of eating for no reason.

Today is therapy day. Today i get to tell Sandy that i actually had the surgery. i don't know why her trying to talk me out of it, or just talking about not having it done bothered me so much, but it did, and still does. Like i didn't think it out all the way? Like i will regret it at the age of 45 and want to try to have another child? Like i have the energy to have another child? There are way to many other options if i ever felt that way. Everything from fostering to adoption. Yup, it is still bothering me.

Today, i am also looking at my bank account. i didn't have to put out $100 for smokes last week. i didn't have to put out $100 this week for smokes. It is weird, and i don't trust it yet. i don't trust that i will not need the money for something serious or for something "just because".

OK, time to head off to shower and get ready for Sandy.

Numb

It has been a week since i posted. A week since the funeral. Two weeks since her death. i still think about her every day. my heart skips a beat when i drive past the hospice. i keep thinking i should be in there with her. We should be scooting outside for a smoke, watching TV or talking about the staff. i am a friend. E must have it worse.

On Thursday E's daughter took me to the movies for her birthday. We saw Twilight. It was ok. What was better was the fact that she asked me. E didn't want to see it before she read the book, and i have already read it, and she thought of me. She even invited me to her birthday dinner on the Friday night. i wasn't able to go to that. Between therapy and tooth pain, i just didn't have the stamina.

Therapy was me feeling numb and not wanting to feel anything but that. The session was all factually. No feelings were discussed. Sandy said i needed that to breath. A chance to breath from the pain and loss and feeling. i can't feel numb right now. Every time one of the flowers withers, i cry. i save it and i cry at its loss. i cry as it represents to me, another part of her going away. The MIT has been home all week. It is exam time and He is home. We have been watching Smallville most of the week. He doesn't like to see me cry, so i have been hiding those feelings from Him.

Now for the tooth. i have been having tooth pain for a few weeks. It went away when i was on the antibiotics for strep. It came back. It got so bad, i actually stood at the door of the dentist Monday morning before they opened. i ended up coming home after a root canal. Can you say ouch? The only pain killer i am on is ibuprofen. Like that is a big help. On top of that, i have strep again, so i am on antibiotics for both the tooth thing and the throat.

i am really starting to hate January. Almost as much as i hate May.