Thursday, December 29, 2005

Thu, 29 Dec 2005

i was going to write this last night, but it got late and i needed to go back to bed.

i just wanted to say thank You. Thank You for realizing what mood i was in on Tuesday. Thank You for treating me like a little girl and not a slave/submissive.

Just thank You, thank You, thank You. i know i will see You tonight, as it is Thursday and You will be heading out tomorrow after work. i am going to really miss You.

Please take lots of pictures of Ethan. i want to see how much he has grown.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Mon, 26 Dec 2005

i wonder how long it has been since You read this journal. Oh well. Doesn't matter. Nothing matters. i was alone for Christmas, and will be alone for New Years. No big surprise. No change from any other year. i have TJ all week, of course, and then next week, i have Erin's kids aswell. i guess we will be watching alot of DVD's. Tomorrow i will be taking TJ to Chapters so we can both spend some of our gift certificates.

Entered: Tuesday, 27 December 2005 - 09:16 EST
Name: Mike
Comment: Hi Sweetie. I read this every couple days most times. I"m not sure how to tell you that you do matter to me and you always matter to me. love you

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Tue, 29 Nov 2005

don't get why you couldn't come up and cuddle and comfort me. Why is it so hard for you to just come up, hold me and stroke my hair and listen and tell me everything will be ok? Why do i have to always put on a happy dispossition so you don't feel uncomfortable. When you get weapy, i don't pull away. i hold your hand and stroke your head. Why can't you do the same for me. That is all i needed. i just needed some comfort and suppost. instead you kept saying "i am still amazed that he qualified" i am totally stressing out over the fact that you keep saying that you are "amazed that he qualified". it feels like every time you say that, you are saying he doesn't deserve this wish. it feels like you are saying i am abusing the system. You say the autonomic stuff is not part of the AHC, and that the AHC itself is not life threatening. Please read below. from Alternating Hemiplegia of Childhood : Clinical Findings and diagnostic Criteria by Jean Aicardi, Marie bourgeois, and Francoise Goutieres "Paroxysmal autonomic phenomena were also ealy symptoms and could precede other manifestations of an attack, or occur in isolaation. The most common were paroxysmal dyspnea (see below) and vasomotor changes that included blanching or flushing of one limb or of half the body, with cold, clammy skin localized to one limb. These were usually seen on the same side as the hemiplegia that they regularly heralded in some cases. Some children become hypothermic or hyperthermic during the acute episodes. Many appeared sleepy and yawned repeatedly but seemed to have difficulty falling asleep. Vomitting was only exceptionally observed and was never prominent." "Some such episodes were associated with paroxysmal dyspnea in nine patients. However, dyspneic episodes also occurred in isolation in six children. Various respiratory abnormalities could be observed including swallowing and slow breathing, expiratory difficulties with wheezing and episodes of polypnea. Such dyspneic episodes were usually mild but in at least one child, apneic episodes were responsible for a frightening deep cyanosis that appeared life-threatening." "The clinical features of AHC are remarkably similar with respect to both ictal and interictal phenomena. They include: 1) onset before 18 months of age; 2) repeated bouts of hemiplegia involving either side of the body at least in some attacks; 3) other paroxysmal disturbances including tonic/dystonic attacks, nystagmus, strabismus, dyspnea and other autonomic phenomena occurring during hemiplegic bouts or in isolation; 4) episodes of bilateral lhemiplegia or quadriplegia starting either as generalization of a hemiplegic episode or bilateral from the start; 5) immediate disappearance of all symptoms on going to sleep with recurrence 10-20 minutes after awakening in long-lasting bouts; 6) eveidence of developmental delay and mental retardatoin and deurologic abnomalities including choreoathetosis, dystonia, or ataxia." i guess i am writing this because you seem to be treating me the same way mom does. like i know nothing and that what comes out of my mouth is always wrong. You have been snappy and blame me for the littlest thing. You get mad when i show any form of independance. i guess what i am also saying is you either support me in this or you don't. if you don't, and if you truly think he doesn't qualify, then i will pull him from the list. i will turn down his wish, as you seem to think his stopping breathing is not part of his AHC, or his lowered heart rate is not part of his AHC, or his fainting is not a part of his AHC.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Thu, 27 Oct 2005

i need to put this somewhere, where i can't ignore it, so i figured here is a good idea...

To Do Today
Send TJ off to school
go to Fortinos
go to the school (subs for kindergarten)
go to Zarky's
go to the school (subs for the rest of the school)
come home
put groceries away
TJ comes home
make spaghetti
feed TJ
get TJ changed
TJ goes to karate

i contacted Shell, and she will be lending me her corset for Monday. i get to pick it up tomorrow morning. i will be driving to guelph after TJ goes to school tomorrow to pick it up. TJ has agreed to let me wear it at school. HEHEHEHE. Ok, that is about it.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Sun, 23 Oct 2005

Maybe i haven't been clear about what i mean by needing D/s to get into the S/m, so here is a "fantasy" i thought of last night. You call from Your place, saying You will be arriving soon. You tell me to be wearing nothing and to be waiting at the door for You. i can have a blanket to kneel on if i need to, but discomfort gets extra points. We get off the phone and i am left knowing that soon You will arrive. i move to the door and take a blanket with me. Kneeling that long would just plain hurt. i kneel, naked, waiting for Your arrival. When You arrive, You immediatly have me remove Your boots and place Your slippers on You, then You have me stand, remove Your coat, and hang it for You. You then, taking me by the hair, turn me around and kiss me. You stroke my face, and praise me for doing such a good job. You leave me there, as You move to the couch, finding i have put the hockey game on. You kind of laugh knowing it was on for me, but glad just the same. You call me over then, and allow me to sit on the floor and have a smoke. You allow me to watch the game quietly. me always knowing that You are there, that You own me, and that You can do with me as You wish. Every once in a while You say things like, "enjoying the game my slut?" or say "come here and give your Master a kiss". You do let me do my painting, again giving me slight reminders of who i am to You. Eventually it is time for bed. You send me to the bed room to strip, to make sure the covers are tidy and all blankets are on the bed. You have me check the alarm clock so there will be no disturbances. You have me get out the cuffs and have me place them beside the alarm clock. You have me kneel at Your side of the bed, and wait for You to arrive. You have me undress You, using only one hand and my mouth. You enjoy watching me struggle. You make it harder by holding my head still with my hair. There is no threat of punishment, just the idea of struggle. Once You are naked, You slip into bed and order me around to my side. You tell me i can climb into bed. We cuddle and talk. You whisper in my ear that i am to stay in bed all night, and if i don't think i can do that, You will cuff me to the bed. You ask me to make the choice. You ask me which i think i can do. You decide in the end You want me changed, attached to the bed. This is the D/s i am talking about, the D/s i need. i don't need the beatings as much as You think i do. i need the D/s. i need You to take control. i don't need the pain as much as You think. i need to know what it feels like to be at Your feet again. i need to know what it feels like to be Yours again. The pain You inflict is part of it but it is always the same pain. Start of slow and get hard fast and furious. i NEED the D/s. i am submissive. i need to submit. Submitting to pain is one thing, submitting to You is another.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Sat, 22 Oct 2005

You are lying in bed. You have talked about needing a scene. All i really want is a little D/s. We had all night tonight. Telling me to strip might have been a good idea. Chaining me to the bed tonight might have been a good idea. i know the scene You are planning is all going to be about S/m. my head works the S/m better when D/s is involved, and tonight would have been the perfect lead-in. So yes, the poking was trying to illicit a response. Some sort of Domly comment, some sort of Domly attitude, some sort of command. Instead i got the "best way to torture a masochist is to not give them what they want". Too bad i can't be a masochist without being used as a submissive first.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Mike and Me - Sun, 16 Oct 2005

i decided to answer some of these here since i think the answers don't need to be public. 1. Why do things happen to me that don't seem to happen to friends. i don't know. Heck, i don't even know what you mean. What type of things? 2. Why do I feel like I have failed my love ones? i don't know. Maybe it is because You put to much pressure on yourself about things You have no control over, and don't recognize what You do have control over. 3. Why do I feel I can't take time for me? You do take time for You. You have Sunday evenings, Monday nights, and Wednesdays. You chose to have relationships with two families, and that means making time for both those families. It means making sacrifices with Your time. i have to make sacrifices to. i can't count on You being here for a weekend until You tell me You aren't going to go to Kingston. i can't count on spending any time on Sundays with You even when You are here on the weekend. i am basically at Your beck and call. You get to pick and choose when You spend time with TJ and i. You have been picking times to come up when You know TJ is in bed or not here or busy with someone else. So i don't know why You feel like You can't, because You do. You do it all the time. 4. Why do I not feel comfortable with who I am? Maybe You don't like who You are right now. Maybe You have decided You can't handle two families. If that is really the case, i would like to know. i would not like it, and i would be upset, but i would understand. Maybe You are dreading life right now, because You don't know how to live it thinking You are healthy. Maybe You are dreading the fact that everything is going well and You don't think You deserve it. What ever the case, You always do this. We fight, You get all "why me" and i get resentful because i feel like i have been doing all the compromising and holding up my end of the bargain, but You are just sitting back and not doing anything to work on our relationship. 5. Why do I hate the weather this time of year? Because You don't see it as a beginning, or a birth, but as a death. You see it as the trees are dying and the grass is dying, and You don't see it as the trees preparing to give birth to new growth, or the grass preparing to get green again for next year. Maybe it is because it means Christmas is coming and You still don't know what You really believe in. Those are all the questions i am able to answer right now. i know once You read this You are going to get all upset and depressed on me, and i am going to have to make You feel better. i am going to have to build up Your confidence and tell You that You are right and are doing nothing wrong. i almost don't want to post this because doing that takes alot of energy. Energy that i could be using to bake with TJ and play with TJ. Energy i could be using to make myself more confident. Energy i could be using to make things for Christmas for gifts, so i wouldn't have to spend a fortune. It also makes me resentful, that i should have to make You feel better when You have chosen this. You chose to have a wife and family in Kingston and chose to have me and TJ in Your life. You chose to live like this. In choosing to live like this there are alot of responsibilities and You need to start dealing with them and accepting them and stop whining over them. i have been supportive, and will continue to be supportive. What ever You choose to do, what ever You choose not to do, just do something. The cancer center has councilling. There is still the physio to look into. Things You could be doing to make Yourself better, but You choose not to. Never mind, i am done for the night.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Mike and Me - Thu, 13 Oct 2005

-call seperate school board about TJ going there next year
-make training cards for Mike
-contact/start process for Rygiel House (don't really want to)

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Mike and Me - Wed, 12 Oct 2005

cancel appointment at MacMaster - rebook for 1 month
Milk Mom duty 12:20 l
ook for Yoda Mask for TJ

cancelled appointment and rebooked for Nov 16th
did Milk day Mom
found yoda mask plus a full yoda costume...not exactly what i wanted, but i will put up with it contacted Make-a-wish

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Mike and Me - Wed, 5 Oct 2005

1) to shave pussy

i will be shaving tomorrow. As soon as TJ heads off to school, i will be going to Day/Night and getting new blades and shave my legs and my little bits.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Mike and Me - Mon, 5 Sep 2005

i cried all the way home. i am so mad at You right now. It isn't often i ask for Your support in something. It isn't often i ask You to come up on a day You normally wouldn't. It isn't often i ask more than once for something. i did tonight. i asked for You to come up tonight and make sure i got to bed at a reasonable hour. i asked You to just come up tonight and ignore tomorrow morning. i asked and i asked and i gave ideas when You said i would just get up after You went to sleep. All i got was NO i get that this is a D/s relationship, but i thought it was more than that. i thought part of us was supporting each other. You know, like me being at the hospital with You when You have Your chemo, or listening when You talk about stuff. i thought, maybe, You would actually support me in something when i asked. It wasn't like i was hoping You would read my mind. i asked more than once. Nope, You couldn't do it. You couldn't put Your feelings away this once and just support me in something. You just wouldn't do it. i am so mad right now. i am so sad right now. i am wondering when You became so selfish that You only care about what is important to You and don't give a flying f*** about how i feel. When did it happen? When did Your feelings become more important than anyone else's? When did You stop hearing me and supporting me? When did i stop mattering? i really need You here tonight. i really need You to hold me in Your arms and tell me it will all work out and make sure i go to sleep at a reasonable time. i really need You to just be here for me. i really need You to just be here in the morning so i have someone to cry with once TJ goes to school. i really need You to just be here and hold me as i cry because i am sending Him to a place He doesn't want to go. i just really need You. But instead, You said no. You said no to being here for me. You decided that You wanted to be at Your place and let me deal with this on my own, when i really need Your support. This really sucks

Entered: Tuesday, 6 September 2005 - 07:16 EDT
Name: me
Comment: Sweetie I do care

Monday, August 29, 2005

Mike and Me - Mon, 29 Aug 2005

Well, so much for me trying to rekindle stuff from the past. Yes that was what i was trying to do. Trying to bring us back to the days when we would talk late on the phone, and make each other come just by the sounds of our breathing. i had also hoped it would take some of Your worry away about the CT scan. Help You sleep a bit maybe. It is funny how bad i am feeling about it now. About trying to initiate something and hearing You play a game in the background. Guess it serves me right for trying to initiate again. Every time i do, i don't seem to get it right. i also get that You need some bottoming time. Maybe You could convince someone to do it next week? i think it is important that You get that release. i know how much You need it, and from Your comment the other day, how much You want it. i am sorry i can't give it to You. i wish i was able to serve You in that way without it doing damage to our relationship. oh well. i guess i should try to get some sleep. i miss You. i need You.

Entered: Wednesday, 31 August 2005 - 11:44 EDT
Name: Mike
Comment: Hi sweetie. I enjoyed listening to you cum the other day and I enjoyed the fact that you called. I really did. Unfortunate for me is the fact that I have tried to play with myself that way and I don't get hard. I even tried the vibrator and it did not work. Last night worked well and I really enjoyed it. I want to get back to playing online and on the phone as well with you. I do enjoy it and it will come. I can see that. Just need the time I guess. For me to get my head there. Love you Very muchYour Master

Monday, August 15, 2005

Mike and Me - Mon, 15 Aug 2005

Thank You for talking me down from the photo copy issue. i am glad i didn't wait until tomorrow night to do it, like i had first planned. Thank You for admitting You can sometimes get jealous. For the longest time i thought there was something wrong with me for being jealous of what You did. Now i know it is normal, and we just need to talk it out. We need to keep letting each other know when we are feeling insecure and figure out how to make each other feel better. i do have a problem. i feel i should be punished. Punished for hurting Your relationship with Bev. Punished for starting smoking. Punished for hating Your chemo treatments. Punished for hating You when You were sick. i know it isn't up to me to decide if i need punishment, but i need some sort of absolution. i can't seem to find it in me to forgive myself, and i keep thinking You are mad at me for all of the above. i know that is where part of the "make me" is coming from. i also know that i do want to give over more control to You, and i know that it may be difficult for You to do it. i am asking that when You have figured out what You don't want control over, to please let me know, so i don't keep expecting it to happen again and again. i really do need to hear You say You want me, and need me. i know it can be irritating to You to have to keep reasuring me. i have felt for the last few months that i had no place in Your life. i guess i am just needing the reminders that You realy do want me, and there is a place for me. Also, thank You for Click. He is sleeping now, and i am sure he will wake me in the morning begging for food, along with TJ. i love You.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Mike and Me - Fri, 5 Aug 2005

Wow. Once again You get to escape what is happening. i wish i could be You. i wish when things aren't going just the way i want them to, i can just get up and leave. No actually dealing with the situation. No actually finding solutions. Either go home or send TJ to his room and ignore him. No interaction, no playing, no trying to connect with him. Just let wendy deal with it and go home. So what if wendy is nervous about today, just go home. So what if wendy is worried about what will happen once she gets home, just go home. So what if wendy would like time with You and TJ together without a problem, without an argument, just go home. You saying You were going to pick up Your stuff, and then heading back is bull. You could pick up Your stuff on Your way out. You could have picked up Your stuff last night. All it feels like is an excuse to go home. i try to give You lots of space. Heck i have even slept on the couch the last 2 nights. You used to sleep with me. Every night, all night. Even when i snored. i am at the point of wondering why You even bother to sleep here anymore. You have yet to watch a full episode of Big Brother with TJ and i. Yes You watched one with us, but that has been all. Only one. So that "family" time is gone. You say things like "we" like "us". What You really mean is "wendy" or "you". i am a full package. i am not just a single woman with no worries and no baggage. i am a Mom. i have a child. You used to want to be a part of both of our lives. It is beginning to feel more and more like that isn't the case.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Mike and Me - Sat, 30 Jul 2005

i am mad at You tonight. We had talked about how You called Bev every day to let her know how You were feeling when You weren't with her. i asked why You didn't call me and You said You could start. You are away this weekend. Yes You called me last night when You got to Kingston, and i thank You for that. i needed that. i needed to know You were ok. i haven't heard from You today. Nothing. No email. No phone call. No contact to let me know how You were doing. i get Bev deserves to know how You are doing because she is Your wife and You love her and she loves You. What i don't get is why i don't deserve the same treatment and consideration. Ok, maybe You forgot saying it. Maybe You forgot saying You would call me when You were away. All i know is i am angry. i feel like i should call You, but then i would be interupting Your time with Bev. Your time with Bev is small enough. She deserves to have that time without interuption. i am just sad and angry and missing You.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Mike and Me - Fri, 29 Jul 2005

This morning really bothered me. Yes i put it in my email, but it is important, so i thought i would put it here also, so there is a more permanent record of my concerns. Why did You try to send me back to bed when i have to get up, check my sugars, eat, and email You? i was already an hour late taking my antibiotic. Plus with that med, i HAVE to eat. If i don't check my blood sugars, You get upset with me, and if i don't send You an email i get told about it. On top of all that, i do have to get up this morning. i have to get a shower, get ready for TJ getting up, and eventually go to the doctor's. i get that You would have liked me to sleep in, but i just can't do that. Especially if You want me to keep up on my meds and blood sugars and emails. So what was i supposed to do this morning, after saying to You "why don't You head back to bed", when You told me to go back to bed? Which command overrides the other command? What should my answer have been? i am doing my best to follow the rules, and yes i know it is an issue when You are in town. Could this not add to that issue? If i hadn't sat at the computer and got it done, could i have been in trouble for not sending the email to You? Could i have been in trouble for missing a blood sugar? How important are these rules to You? (daily emails, blood sugars at least 3 times a day) If it isn't that important, then why am i trying so hard to do it and why am i getting punishment strokes for it? Mixed messages are not helpful. They confuse me and make me uncomfortable and unsure. i do not want to be blamed for not being submissive enough to be used against me like it has in the passed. It feels like You are setting me up, making it so i make a mistake and then use it as an excuse for punishment later. i don't like thinking that. i get You were probubly concerned about me getting enough sleep, and that You were perterbed about me disturbing You. But still, it really pissed me off this morning

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Mike and Me - Sat, 23 Jul 2005

how can i explain to you and get you to understand how tiring it is being "on" all the time. When you are done work, you get to leave there and go to your place to concentrate on the computer and do only stuff you want. You get to excape TJ and go down to your place when you feel overwhelmed by it all. You can almost always escape to find a quiet peace without much work. Heck, you can even escape work by going to lunch. Even right now, you are at your place, picking up your laundry. You are also online, escaping from being with me and TJ. i don't get that luxery. When i am done work, i get to come down to your place and anticipate what you want/need/will do. When i want to escape from TJ, i can't. i have to work hard to find the time to get the quiet. i have to find someone to care for TJ. i have to be comfortable enough with that person that i don't feel like i am always oncall. i have to make sure that whatever it is i do, i will be ontime for when my quiet time is over. Even then, i usually have stuff that has to get done. Laundry, groceries, cleaning...something is always there that i have to do, because i am a mom and i am wendy. i am tired alot, i know that. i just need to know how i am supposed to get untired? When exactly will i get the time to get untired? i don't have that option. When i go to my room, when it is only TJ and i, TJ will always want something. It could be a glass of juice or pop, or it could be food, or it could be that he wants cuddles. When you are here and i go to my room, you need the reasurance that i am ok. i go outside, and someone has to follow me, or i have to be ready to answer the phone or come in when someone wants my attention. Even going to the bathroom means i will have to answer if i am ok when i come out. So again i ask. When am i supposed to get untired?

Friday, July 22, 2005

Mike and Me - Fri, 22 Jul 2005

was upset when you originally wouldn't go to see Beth with me, but i am very glad you did. i saw the way you were with TJ tonight and i was impressed. i don't know what will happen tomorrow, but what ever does happen, i know we can handle it together.

i am also enjoying the spontanious bits of play going on. i have missed this playful side of you. Yes i am dreading next week, because i know the chemo is hard on your body, but thank you for this week. Thank you for staying here this weekend, and thank you for giving some of you back to me. Maybe i will earn the rest of You back soon.

i so want to be able to call you Master again, but i do think we need to do alot of talking about what putting the collar on means to us both. i think i had some high expectations of what a collar ment to me, and i think they may have been different to your expectations. But i guess that talk will come when we are both ready for it. i love You Sir

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Mike and Me - Thu, 14 Jul 2005

WEll, i haven't written here in a while, but that is for a couple of reasons. 1st : since you asked about putting in comments, and i changed that option so you could, you havn't. Heck, i doubt you have even read anything since then. 2nd : some of the stuff i would write, would probubly make you upset. i know that shouldn't stop me, i guess, but it has.

Entered: Wednesday, 20 July 2005 - 08:50 EDT
Name: Mike
Comment: Hi sweetie. I know I have been neglecting this but I'll try and keep up on it. I know you have things that you want to say that might upset me and I think I know some of them. I hope this week has been better so far. I know its only beed 3 days into the week but I enjoyed Monday night and I know I enjoyed last night. Love you very much.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Mike and Me - Wed, 6 Jul 2005

i know You are worried about Saturday night. i know You are scared about loosing control, about me loosing control, about me getting physically hurt to badly. i am worried too, but for a different reason. i am worried it won't happen. i am scared that i am thinking about it, letting the idea of it sit in my head and it not happening. i am scared that You will feel too sick, or too tired, or just too scared. i am scared of getting my hopes up like last night. Man that really bothered me. You telling me to wear a skirt so Thelma couldn't see the marks and then there were no marks at all. That was 4 times in a row that You have said we were going to play and nothing happened. Yes i enjoyed the spanking and belt later, but i was so looking forward to the other stuff that it really bothers me, that Saturday is being planned. The thought of the brutality of the scene, the intensity, is such a turn on. i am just so scared of getting so excited about it, of looking forward to it and then something, anything, going wrong and it not happening.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Mike and Me - Tue, 5 Jul 2005

i am putting this under assignment since You have told me to write it down. yes last night, i used my egg, the minty stuff on my clit, clothes pegs on my nipples and the silver vibrating dildo to bring myself to orgasm so i could possibly go to sleep. The entire time, i "pretended" i was following orders. That You were there telling me what to do, how to do it, when to do it. You had me kneel to and press the dildo inside my ass, not caring if it hurt or felt good. You had me turn it on so i could feel it vibrate. You told me to put the gel on my clit, to make it burn and full of blood. You had me put the egg against my clit. You had me lay on my stomach, pressing the clothes pegs into my breasts. You had me put a blanket through my legs, pulling on it to make sure the vibrator stayed in my ass, and added pressure to my clit. Duriing all this, i had vissions of You fucking me and pressing the vibrator into my ass. i only came once. Well, the gushy kind anyways. It didn't work at putting me to sleep. Nothing seemed to work last night. Anyways, i now have on a long black skirt since Mom has agreed to watch TJ until nurse Thelma gets here, and i can come down to your place. Love You

Monday, July 04, 2005

Mike and Me - Mon, 4 Jul 2005

Mood: d'oh
Topic: How i feel

Your comment about Bridget wanting/offering to sit at the hospital with You really hurt my feelings. You know i would be there if i could. You know if i didn't have TJ for the summer i would be there in a heart beat. It felt like You were throwing Her desire to be with You in my face. i have been trying not to write this all day. i have been trying to look at it as a slip of the tounge, that you ment nothing by it. This is probubly the truth, but it doesn't change how it hurt me. i am really getting tired of having to ask you to think about how such comments would hurt me. How would you feel if you had to work and Peter had the day off, and i had to be at the hospital and He offered to be there for me? i know when i see You tonight that you will brush off her offer as meaning nothing. That you will brush off saying it to me as meaning nothing, and that if it was the other way around it wouldn't bother you. That all just makes it worse since it means my feelings are irrational. That my feelings don't count. For someone You are not thinking of playing with, for someone that doesn't have any interest in You, You sure bring up her name alot right now.

Mood: blue
Topic: How i feel

i need to say this too You, but i don't want what i say to change how You are doing things. i want You sleeping here all the time right now. i want to make sure YOu aren't sick. i want to make sure You don't get sick. i want to make sure You can do what needs to be done during the day, and lean on me if needed. i know, i am sounding like Your Mom or even Bev. i just worry about You alot right now, and having You here means i can make sure You are ok. Plus i miss being with You, and even lying beside You seems like alot right now. Anyways, that is just how i feel. Please don't make changes to what You need to do right now. You need to do what makes You happy and what will keep You going right now. Just remember i love You and will do whatever You need from me, including letting You sleep at Your place.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Mike and Me - Fri, 1 Jul 2005

Mood: amorous
Topic: Assignments

Once TJ leaves, i am to bring myself to orgasm 5 times before midnight. No more. No less. No using a pillow, but a blanket or towel.

it is now 11:10, and i have completed my assignment. 5 orgasms. No more. No less.

i put the egg against my clit, a towel between my legs. i laid on my stomach and turned it on.

i imagined You standing above me, watching me, talking to me. You were telling me i was a good girl, that You liked to watch me come. You kept nudging me with the toe of Your boot, egging me on. You called me slut, and asked me if i liked it. i imagined You taking the control away from me, and turning it up and down to Your whim. The orgasm wouldn't come soon enough for You. You started to pinch at me and almost kick me. You kicked my thighs, my arms. You brushed Your boot to my face and had me lick it. my back arched and i asked if Your slut could come. You said yes.

i pressed my hips hard into the floor. The towel pressing up into my crotch, pretending it was Your boot. my legs kept tightening, and more images flashed through my head.

You didn't turn it off, but You had me get to my hands and knees, and rubbed Your boot into my crotch with my body grasping at Your leg. Your toes rubbing the egg harder against my clit. You were able to reach my face and slapped my cheek. One side and then the other. Then You brought Your hand down to my mouth and i pressed into it. Riding Your boot, You cut off my oxygen, and told me to come.

i held my own breath, pressing my face into my pillow so TJ couldn't hear me. i waiting for the next wave of vibration to run through me and my mind drifted to You again.

Still having me rub myself against Your boot, You feeling the vibration of the egg through the leather, You started whipping my back. i held on to Your leg and ground my face into the crotch of Your pants. You kept calling me a slut, Your slut, Your horny slut. i kept saying Yes Sir to each comment, holding on to You with all i had. Each strike of the whip hitting my back or ass, stinging and sending a firey pain through me. You ordered me to undo Your zipper and i pulled Your cock out of Your pants. You ordered me to suck You. You swong the whip with one hand and grabbed the back of my head with the other. You pulled my face into You, making me gag on Your cock. i gaged and sucked, riding Your boot and the egg, and heard You tell me to come

my body started to argue with me, so i turned over, placing the towel under me, and laid down with my knees up.

You ordered me onto my back. You wanted to abuse my tits and stomach and thighs. You whipped at them, pinched them, marked them. All the while You told me what kind of slut i was. You told me i was Your slut, to do with as You pleased. You told me that if You wanted, You would have me come for You all night. i pinched at my own nipples. Pulling on them and stretching them. You slashed at my thighs, my groans meaning nothing to You as i wiggled, finally telling me to come again.

i rolled back onto my stomach, needing the extra pressure to get me to the last orgasm.

You ordered me onto my hands and knees. You told me it was time for You to enjoy Your slut, to feel the vibration of the toy run from me into Your balls. i was wet as You pushed into me. You told me to fuck You, that You didn't want to do any of the work. i pressed myself into You as far as i could. i kept one hand on the egg to make sure it didn't fall out. You told me to be still, and then You rammed Yourself in and out of me. You groaned that i was Your slut, that only You could give me this pleasure. i agreed saying i was Your slut, and only Your slut. i asked to come, repeating it over and over. You poked a finger in my ass, and pumped it into me at the same rythm as You rode me. i nearly screamed, trying to keep the orgasm at bay. When You were ready to come, and only then, You said Yes slut, come for Me

So that is what went through my head as i brought myself to orgasm 5 times. No more, no less. The towel is now in the laundry. i will be putting in the first load before Thelma gets here.