So Dad is fine. Well, not really but yes. He had an angiogram, and it came back normal. No blockages, not to much plaque, no issues that needed to be addressed. So he was discharged on Wednesday. He is diabetic (type 2), but he won't acknowledge it. He does have high blood pressure, but he won't acknowledge it. He has heart damage (it only is working at 65%), but he won't acknowledge it. So what do we do this weekend?
We go camping!!!!!
Yes i took Dad, and the MIT camping again. Dad was on restrictions on what he was allowed to do, but didn't stick to them, and i didn't smother him. i would ask how he was feeling when he looked pale. i would check his blood sugars in the morning, or when he felt faint. i let him try to listen to his body. That is the only way he will learn. i also allowed him and the MIT to gang up on me and boss me around a little.
i also controlled what we all ate. i made sure it was all healthy, and included lots of veggies, and had moderate amounts of carbs. Of course i also made sure everyone took their meds when they were supposed to.
Yes it was stressful, but it was also fun and to me, curiously enough, relaxing. i still say we needed more fire wood. i will make sure we have enough next time.
Today is laundry and dishes day. Plus, i get to take a splinter out of my leg. Other than that, enjoy the quiet while the MIT is at school.
Happy Mabon. i will be doing a little ritual tonight, and will be serving stew (celebrating the harvest of root veggies and squash and "fall veggies"), apple crisp, and whole grain bread. Plus i will be making a fire in my BBQ again. i really love this time of year.
Showing posts with label rituals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rituals. Show all posts
Monday, September 21, 2009
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Looking forward
Imbolc Altar Yesterday was Imbolc. i celebrated in my own unique style. i didn't start until after noon. i gathered white candles, and instead of having them in a circle on my altar, i put them all over the house. Sort of using my house as the altar. Sure i had the lt. green Goddes candle, and the lt. yellow God candle, the cauldron, the "right" crystals, the white flowers, and vanilla and cinnamon incense. i even had the "bon fire" set up in my bbq. i even served chicken with new herbed potatoes, and served pound cake with custard. (i don't have any pictures of the meal or fire. The MIT wouldn't let me take any)
Now, i look at Imbolc as the day for making resolutions and making wishes, instead of the "traditional" New Years. So here is what i am looking forward to doing as i look forward to the rest of the year.
- Getting a bird feeder, and keeping it filled year round. (i need to pick a great place, so my patio doesn't get all poopy, but so i can see the birds, especially during the winter, from my window.)
- Asking for more kitchen supplies to further my cooking crusade. (my birthday wish list shows just that)
- Promising myself to watch how my body feels when i eat properly, and laying off the ordering in (cheaper in the long run), and the eating of heavy or junk food snacks. (Yes i feel different when i do not eat the junk food or order in as much. i actually feel, normal.)
- Picking a quit date, and following through. (i know i need to quit smoking, and i am not enjoying it as much as i used to. It is a good time to do it, especially since i have friends doing the same thing. i will be consulting my doctor about this.)
- Knitting again. Blankets, pillows, scarves, hats, and even socks. (Knitting has helped me keep my hands busy when i have quit in the past. It is time to get back on it.)
- Not go looking for the love of a lover. (i have lots of love in my life. Sure a companion would be nice, but i am not going to settle for just anyone. i am not ready to go looking, and i am not ready to have a "special someone" in my life just yet.)
- Keep each Sabbath in my own way, honouring how i feel, and letting the MIT experience the two different "styles" of faith. (The MIT is Anglican)
i am picking Ash Wednesday, as my quit day. It holds significance to my son's faith, and seems like a good time to start. It will also allow me time to move away from such habits as smoking while on the computer, and changing where i smoke. This will give me a head start on quiting. This is something important to me. i have been holding on to this addiction for far too long.
So here is to the nurturing of promises, wishes, and fresh starts.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Mixing faiths
On Saturday, i celebrated Imbolc. Also known as Candlemas. i really enjoyed it. i enjoyed setting out the candles to burn all night in my windows, leaving an offering to Bridget (sp), preparing my little altar on Imbolc eve. i really enjoyed taking down my yule wreaths and burning them, lighting the circle of candles on my altar, making goals for the coming year and empowering the candles with the goals and energy to reach them. The most fun i had was walking around in the snow without shoes on, and freezing my son's nurse with having all the doors and windows open for an hour.
Today is Pancake Tuesday. This is one of my Son's celebrations. i have decided this year to be more involved with His traditions, as well as mine. So in that spirit, we are going to pancake dinner at the church i grew up in, and He calls home. Wednesday is Ash Wednesday, and i may even join Him in that. i am actually going to give up some stuff for lent, just as He is. We are going to decide tonight what we are giving up / sacrificing for the next 40 days until Easter (Sundays don't count. Do the math)
You might be asking yourself, how can a woman, that is a solitary practioner, support her Son's need for Christianity. It is easy. It is all about faith. The fact that we both have faith is the main thing. The fact that we practice different "celebrations" and a few phylosophies is of no consiquence. He has always known that i support His, and He is starting to support mine, even if He doesn't quite understand them.
On top of all this, i have other things to "report". He is finally back at school. After 1 week of being off sick, then 2 weeks for exams, and 1 day for a snow day, He is finally back at school. i do have some work to do on the school front, as they have taken Him out of one class, and put Him into gym. Plus, gym is early in the day. This is a forcast for many days of loss of muscle tone for the rest of the school day, and little being accomplished. If gym was even moved to the end of school, the last period, i could handle that. At least then, he would be able to participate in His other classes.
One other good thing. i won a bet and got a one hour massaage. Damn it felt good. It felt nice having someone's hands on me again, even if it was because of a bet. The massage oil we used was a peppermint and eucoliptus blend. It sure drained out the sinuses. It was a nice way to spend an hour yesterday morning.
Today is Pancake Tuesday. This is one of my Son's celebrations. i have decided this year to be more involved with His traditions, as well as mine. So in that spirit, we are going to pancake dinner at the church i grew up in, and He calls home. Wednesday is Ash Wednesday, and i may even join Him in that. i am actually going to give up some stuff for lent, just as He is. We are going to decide tonight what we are giving up / sacrificing for the next 40 days until Easter (Sundays don't count. Do the math)
You might be asking yourself, how can a woman, that is a solitary practioner, support her Son's need for Christianity. It is easy. It is all about faith. The fact that we both have faith is the main thing. The fact that we practice different "celebrations" and a few phylosophies is of no consiquence. He has always known that i support His, and He is starting to support mine, even if He doesn't quite understand them.
On top of all this, i have other things to "report". He is finally back at school. After 1 week of being off sick, then 2 weeks for exams, and 1 day for a snow day, He is finally back at school. i do have some work to do on the school front, as they have taken Him out of one class, and put Him into gym. Plus, gym is early in the day. This is a forcast for many days of loss of muscle tone for the rest of the school day, and little being accomplished. If gym was even moved to the end of school, the last period, i could handle that. At least then, he would be able to participate in His other classes.
One other good thing. i won a bet and got a one hour massaage. Damn it felt good. It felt nice having someone's hands on me again, even if it was because of a bet. The massage oil we used was a peppermint and eucoliptus blend. It sure drained out the sinuses. It was a nice way to spend an hour yesterday morning.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Happy Samhain, Happy Halloween
The MIT is home. He has been home since Sunday night. He has yet to have a good night sleep, but i am determined to send Him to school today. He needs to get back into His routine. i am so happy He is home. We have had a good couple of days of doing very little, napping during the day, and trying to figure out how to feed Him on an Australian schedule. i did get presents. i got sand from 2 beaches. i got lots of pictures. i got an Australian jacket. i think that is it.
Tonight we were supposed to go to Toronto to celebrate Samhain and Halloween. The MIT is still off, and with this being His first day back at school, i don't think either He or i could handle going out of town. He is already feeling anxious with the idea of going back to school, and i don't want to add in more anxiety for Him. Instead, He and i will be handing out candy to any kids that come to our door.
i need to figure out what i am going to dress as. i am thinking little red riding hood, with a twist. i haven't worn that outfit in a long time, and i think i want to again. On top of that, i want to do a Samhain ritual. i need to set up my alter, and get some apples to bury, and some sage to cleanse the house, and some pictures of Mike and Papa for the alter.
Well, that is all for today. After the MIT leaves for school, i am going to lie down in bed, and then head to the store for candy, apples, and other things for my alter, and the day.
Happy Halloween, and happy Samhain everyone
Tonight we were supposed to go to Toronto to celebrate Samhain and Halloween. The MIT is still off, and with this being His first day back at school, i don't think either He or i could handle going out of town. He is already feeling anxious with the idea of going back to school, and i don't want to add in more anxiety for Him. Instead, He and i will be handing out candy to any kids that come to our door.
i need to figure out what i am going to dress as. i am thinking little red riding hood, with a twist. i haven't worn that outfit in a long time, and i think i want to again. On top of that, i want to do a Samhain ritual. i need to set up my alter, and get some apples to bury, and some sage to cleanse the house, and some pictures of Mike and Papa for the alter.
Well, that is all for today. After the MIT leaves for school, i am going to lie down in bed, and then head to the store for candy, apples, and other things for my alter, and the day.
Happy Halloween, and happy Samhain everyone
Friday, May 18, 2007
A strange sense of peace
That is the only way to describe how i feel this morning. i actually feel at peace. i can't even remember the last time i felt this way. Yes there was a lot of crying last night. Crying i needed. Even some yelling i needed. Being able to do the ritual last night, made me feel much better. i know my grieving isn't over, but at least i got a lot of emotion out, and was able to come to peace in my own head about Mike's death, and about my missing Him so much.
He would have been both scared for me, and proud of me for the fire i built. Man it burned hot. Who knew that soaking some stuff in rubbing alcohol could be a great fire started. Who knew that all the stuff i put in would cause a fire hot enough to make me check my eyebrows every once in a while. It was a pretty fire, and it even smelled ok. i am sure the herbs i used helped with the smell. What i also found calming, is the ritual. The idea that i didn't forget a lot of stuff, that i did remember how to do it, that even just walking the circle, made me feel better. Ok, so did the full bottle of wine i drank, but hey, i deserved it.
Clean-up is this morning. i have wax that dripped off candles to clean-up. i have to sift the ashes, and place some in the bottles i found. i will be taking the rest to one of the places i know He had wanted His ashes spread. That will possibly create a shedding of tears again, but it is His birthday, and He should get what He wants for His birthday. The wax from the candles will be burried there also. Just like last year's.
i am finding this peace hard to comprehend, but am enjoying it while i feel it. Knowing i can, in my own way, do something for Him that He wanted, and knowing that i was able to say my peace last night, makes the calm feeling less of a mystery. Also, i deserve to feel some peace. It has been a long time coming. Enjoying it isn't a bad thing. It is more like letting myself feel what ever emotion i have, and embracing it. Just like i embraced all the emotions i felt last night.
Embracing emotion - good
Burying emotion - bad
He would have been both scared for me, and proud of me for the fire i built. Man it burned hot. Who knew that soaking some stuff in rubbing alcohol could be a great fire started. Who knew that all the stuff i put in would cause a fire hot enough to make me check my eyebrows every once in a while. It was a pretty fire, and it even smelled ok. i am sure the herbs i used helped with the smell. What i also found calming, is the ritual. The idea that i didn't forget a lot of stuff, that i did remember how to do it, that even just walking the circle, made me feel better. Ok, so did the full bottle of wine i drank, but hey, i deserved it.
Clean-up is this morning. i have wax that dripped off candles to clean-up. i have to sift the ashes, and place some in the bottles i found. i will be taking the rest to one of the places i know He had wanted His ashes spread. That will possibly create a shedding of tears again, but it is His birthday, and He should get what He wants for His birthday. The wax from the candles will be burried there also. Just like last year's.
i am finding this peace hard to comprehend, but am enjoying it while i feel it. Knowing i can, in my own way, do something for Him that He wanted, and knowing that i was able to say my peace last night, makes the calm feeling less of a mystery. Also, i deserve to feel some peace. It has been a long time coming. Enjoying it isn't a bad thing. It is more like letting myself feel what ever emotion i have, and embracing it. Just like i embraced all the emotions i felt last night.
Embracing emotion - good
Burying emotion - bad
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Just Breath
i am feeling it already. The panic is setting in. What if the "ritual" i want to do is rained out? i have placed so much importance on this ritual as a way for me to say goodbye to Him. Even as i type this, my breathing is quick and shallow. i am not looking forward to facing the day.
The MIT asked to stay home today. Part of me wants that. i want Him to be close to me all day, so i know nothing will happen to Him today. i like that He asked me so nicely, and that He is actually worried about me today. He hasn't shown that kind of consideration or maturity about Mike's death, ever. Even His "i don't care" doesn't hold as much fire anymore. To let at least the MIT in, since He also hasn't had a chance to grieve. i want to keep Him, my Sis, even my parents close to me today. i want them to be in reach. i want to make sure they are all safe. i want P&E here, L&D, S, my friends. i want them to all be around here, so we can all grieve together. So that i don't feel like i am going through this alone. Kind of have them all come in stages, while i am walking around feeling so shitty. Yet feeling safe in the place i have created to do my ritual.
Then the other part of me speaks up. i want to be left alone in my grief. i want to just be, and have no interruptions in what it is i do and feel. i want to "handle" it all myself. That side of me is screaming. Screaming loud and clear. i want to do it on my own. i want to hide in my room, or hid in the back yard, and grieve and grieve. Cry and cry. Feel and feel. Just be sad and down, and weepy the way i know how.
i didn't realize it at the time, but i have already started the ritual. i burned sage into ash, last night. i did it while walking all through the house. Sort of smudging the place while i was walking, making sure it wouldn't stop burning. The ashes are going to part of the ink i make for part of the rest of the ritual tonight. i get to mix it with a pink wine. Mike always like a rose (yes there should be a thingy on top of the e, but i don't know how to do that right now), so it seems quite a good idea. my Sis picked something to go in the fire tonight. Stickers of the #48 car from Nascar. Mike's favourite driver being Jimmy Johnson. i am glad she remembered. i would have forgotten and gotten all mad at myself for it. i have a whole bunch of other things. A paint stir stick (Mike loved it as a toy). A shirt the MIT painted for Him our first Christmas together. Gauze and medical tape for the first aide side of Mike. Rubbing alcohol for the fire play side of Mike (along with a picture of Him doing fire play). A Tim Horton's cup with DD on the lid. A pair of His socks (His feet were always cold, and i want to hold on to His slippers). The two pictures of the MIT He carried in His wallet. The picture of the MIT and i together at the "Yes I can" awards. Two pictures of Him in lingerie (one while i played with Him, and one where He dressed up for me). Sage, His favourite incense. A picture of Mike and i together. There is a lot more other stuff, but i can't remember what it all is right now. Right now i am back to crying again. i still have to sew up the sarong i am going to wear to do the ritual. i will sew it once i get back from therapy. i also want to pick-up some maple cookies for tonight. Mike loved those.
Maybe the best compromise for me today, is to allow people to come over as they need, while i take care of what it is i need to do today. That sounds like a good idea. Let people come over, and if they want, they can bring something to add to the fire. They can add what they feel represents Mike, and who He was to either them, or just in general. That way i don't have to interrupt my head space for the ritual and stay in my space for the ritual. i mean, that is the whole purpose for me today. To say goodbye to Mike in the way i need to. To do what i need to grieve and let go of some of the bottled up feelings i have.
Time to care for the MIT. i am letting Him stay home from school today. i think He needs to see me cry and grieve, so that He can learn to do the same thing. He is obviously wanting to understand, or he wouldn't have asked to stay home.
The MIT asked to stay home today. Part of me wants that. i want Him to be close to me all day, so i know nothing will happen to Him today. i like that He asked me so nicely, and that He is actually worried about me today. He hasn't shown that kind of consideration or maturity about Mike's death, ever. Even His "i don't care" doesn't hold as much fire anymore. To let at least the MIT in, since He also hasn't had a chance to grieve. i want to keep Him, my Sis, even my parents close to me today. i want them to be in reach. i want to make sure they are all safe. i want P&E here, L&D, S, my friends. i want them to all be around here, so we can all grieve together. So that i don't feel like i am going through this alone. Kind of have them all come in stages, while i am walking around feeling so shitty. Yet feeling safe in the place i have created to do my ritual.
Then the other part of me speaks up. i want to be left alone in my grief. i want to just be, and have no interruptions in what it is i do and feel. i want to "handle" it all myself. That side of me is screaming. Screaming loud and clear. i want to do it on my own. i want to hide in my room, or hid in the back yard, and grieve and grieve. Cry and cry. Feel and feel. Just be sad and down, and weepy the way i know how.
i didn't realize it at the time, but i have already started the ritual. i burned sage into ash, last night. i did it while walking all through the house. Sort of smudging the place while i was walking, making sure it wouldn't stop burning. The ashes are going to part of the ink i make for part of the rest of the ritual tonight. i get to mix it with a pink wine. Mike always like a rose (yes there should be a thingy on top of the e, but i don't know how to do that right now), so it seems quite a good idea. my Sis picked something to go in the fire tonight. Stickers of the #48 car from Nascar. Mike's favourite driver being Jimmy Johnson. i am glad she remembered. i would have forgotten and gotten all mad at myself for it. i have a whole bunch of other things. A paint stir stick (Mike loved it as a toy). A shirt the MIT painted for Him our first Christmas together. Gauze and medical tape for the first aide side of Mike. Rubbing alcohol for the fire play side of Mike (along with a picture of Him doing fire play). A Tim Horton's cup with DD on the lid. A pair of His socks (His feet were always cold, and i want to hold on to His slippers). The two pictures of the MIT He carried in His wallet. The picture of the MIT and i together at the "Yes I can" awards. Two pictures of Him in lingerie (one while i played with Him, and one where He dressed up for me). Sage, His favourite incense. A picture of Mike and i together. There is a lot more other stuff, but i can't remember what it all is right now. Right now i am back to crying again. i still have to sew up the sarong i am going to wear to do the ritual. i will sew it once i get back from therapy. i also want to pick-up some maple cookies for tonight. Mike loved those.
Maybe the best compromise for me today, is to allow people to come over as they need, while i take care of what it is i need to do today. That sounds like a good idea. Let people come over, and if they want, they can bring something to add to the fire. They can add what they feel represents Mike, and who He was to either them, or just in general. That way i don't have to interrupt my head space for the ritual and stay in my space for the ritual. i mean, that is the whole purpose for me today. To say goodbye to Mike in the way i need to. To do what i need to grieve and let go of some of the bottled up feelings i have.
Time to care for the MIT. i am letting Him stay home from school today. i think He needs to see me cry and grieve, so that He can learn to do the same thing. He is obviously wanting to understand, or he wouldn't have asked to stay home.