Remembering what i promised myself.

Each year i review what promises i made to myself, and see if i was able to accomplish them. Then, in another post, i put my new promises to myself. i don't know how i feel about all this right now, but sticking with tradition is important to me. Here is my review of last year's promises.

i will wake-up and go out the door every morning. Yes, i did do this, with thanks to E. She had me driving her to school each morning, so it was possible. Well, it was until she was done with school. Since then, nope.

i will continue to lose weight and maybe reach my "under 200 lbs by Christmas" goal. NOPE. NOT. Didn't do.

i will let go of trying to make the relationship with Master the way i want, and let Him guide me to where He wants this to go. i did do this. i did for a bit. Then we broke-up. But when we got back together, i did do this. i did this for well over 2 months. Right up until the day He died

i will not use my basement as a storage locker for empty boxes and junk. Definitly have accomplished this. my basement was cleaned out last summer, and has stayed just about as clean as it was then.

i will accept help from others when it is offered. i have had to learn to do this. It is still a struggle, but i think i have improved. i know i have to keep working on this.

i will not order french fries with any meals, but have a salad instead. Yeah, ok, sure.

i will reach out to those that have offered their hand to me, even if i don't feel worthy. i have had to learn to do this more and more. i know i have to keep working on this. i am feeling more and more unworthy as time keeps going, as my emotions keep going up and down.

So that is the end of the review. i don't know how i feel right now about the upcoming change in numbers. i don't know if i can think of anything i want to accomplish in a year. i am having trouble seeing infront of me. The idea that the new year is supposed to be filled with hope, while i feel so hopeless is physically hurting me. Maybe i won't make any promises to myself this year. Maybe i just can't this year.

A Jumble of thoughts

There has been good going on here. Good is nice. i just can't seem to concentrate on the good. my head is full of the bad.

i can't see past the 31st. i can't see a year without Him. i can't see ringing in the new year without that call from Him. i can't see being alone, without Him. i can't face being alone, without Him.

i know logically that i am not alone. i have friends and family. i have people around me that care. But truth be told, they are all couples. They all have someone. They have someone they can be sexual with. They have someone they can be themselves around. They have someone that shares, on a daily basis, the good and the bad that happens in their life. i don't have that someone for me.

i don't have someone that i can call and ask to bring home extra milk. i don't have someone that will give me a hug when they walk in the door because they know that it was a hard day for me. i don't have that someone to sleep next to. i don't have that someone that i can cuddle up to and feel safe in their arms all night long. In this sense, i am alone. i am truly alone.

These are the thoughts that are tormenting me. The thoughts that pull me back, into my bed to hide. The thoughts that pull me deeper into a dark space. The thoughts that keep me up at night.

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Christmas Eve (well during the day)

Yule was wonderful. A great meal, great company, wonderful atmosphere, awesome friends. It was homey, and comfortable. It was full of laughter, and full of joy. The MIT and i felt so relaxed there. my only complaint was that there wasn't anything for me to do to help out. LOL. We didn't get around to the Yule Log, or the wreath making, but that is ok. i think that would have just stressed us all out, trying to fit it all in.

i think the gifts i gave were welcomed. The girls each got a hand made scarf, and a beaded mitten change purse. D got a pink apron and a beaded panties change purse plus a dog tag that said "Has anyone seen my balls". L got 2 sarongs. The MIT got a clay kit, and already has plans with L of what they are going to make. i got Penny the Puppy Purse, 2 dog tags (for the army brat in me) and a "medal" to wear with my army jacket.

Yesterday was busy-ish for me. i wrapped all the remaining gifts (including those from Santa). i think it took me about 3 hours. Doesn't matter. It is all done. i also did some cleaning up, in preparation for the family coming tomorrow. There are still dishes to do, and to clean the bathroom, but i am not worried about that. Today is some running around and then cooking the turkey. i know i could do it tomorrow, i just don't want to feel rushed about it. So, now that i am showered and dressed, it is time to head out. Wish me luck with all the last minute shoppers.

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Changing on a dime

Remember me complaining yesterday? i do. Then something special happened

my passport arrived. Things with Make-a-Wish will no longer be at a standstill. i went and picked it up, took it and the MIT's to my Sister's work. She photocopied all 3 passports, and faxed them off, while i waited (hovered) to make sure it they went through ok.

That little thing, changed my mood quickly. i no longer dreaded going to the munch. i actually had fun dividing out the cookies. i didn't mind the fact that i had flucked up the chart i had made, and had to do last minute juggling. i didn't mind the little joking that went along with it from E and P. i only looked for Mike once, although i kept waiting for Him to touch me on the back and tell me to settle down. i had fun seeing people i don't often see, and seeing new people come out to the munch (2 just for the cookie swap). It wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. i actually enjoyed myself.

And....MY PASSPORT CAME!!!!!!

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Christmas Munch

Tonight is the munch and the cookie swap. i am finding myself feeling not all that happy about having to go. i have to be "on" tonight. i have to be social. i have to be organized. i will have no time to be depressed or out of sorts. i have to divide up cookies between 12 different participants. i just don't feel like being "on" tonight. i don't want to be all cheerful. i don't want to be the one that HAS to be there. i should have thought of all this before planning on doing my "normal". i don't want to go in the shower and pretty myself up. i don't want to dress festive. i don't want to be the one to introduce people all around.

What i do want is to stay home. i want to curl up and stay in my pajamas. i want to ignore everyone and everything. i just want to hide right now. Instead, i am going to be having my Mom pick me and the MIT up, drive them both down to my Nana's. After that, head back up the mountain and pick up E and her kids, then drive the kids down to D's. Then E and i head to Toronto for the munch. That is when i have to be "on". That is when i have to put on a happy face and be social. After the munch, i will be driving E back to D's to get the kids, then drop E and the kids of at her place, then finally head home to bed.

Tomorrow, will be different. Tomorrow i have school again. i get to do a full procedure again on someone. It will count towards the 70 i have to do. i haven't been very good at doing foot procedures. i had thought by this point to have triple what i have now. Anyways, it doesn't matter.

i will get my 70 done. i will have my shower as soon as the MIT gets home from school. i will do all the driving. i will listen to music that E likes. i will be social and "on" for the munch. i will divide up all the cookies, and i will wear a smile on my face while i do it. i just really wish Mike was going to be there tonight. i am really missing Him today.

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A new wrench in the mix

Let's see. i had a busy-ish day planned. A couple of things to do. Not really all that much. One task out of the house, one in. A manageable amount of stuff to do.

First was getting my eyebrows waxed. Went well. No ill effects except for the redness. my brows are now shaped and pretty and all better.

Next was driving E out to get papers signed. i over estimated the length of time it would take to get her there, which got me a drive-by tour of the new area. Went well. No big deal.

i then went to my doctor's appointment. my blood pressure is a little high (ok, more than a little). my weight was up by 1/2 a pound. The headache yesterday was probably my blood pressure being high. i probably have a kidney infection which is what is causing my back pain. No big deals. Everything is still ok. i am doing fine.

This is when things went wonky. i went down to the van, started to pull out. The van felt weird. A pedestrian stopped me and told me my tire was flat. Really, really flat. i pulled back into my spot, and called CAA. Waited for them to show up and change my tired (i actually know how to do it, but the way my brain went, i had to call for help). Tire got changed, went to pick-up my Mom. Took the tire to Speedy. They fixed it for free and put it back on the van. They are nice to me there. Took my Mom to a special store to buy me an stained glass angel. Took her home. i handled it all. i didn't have a full out panic attack. i didn't break down. i called CAA all on my own without needing anyone to tell me to. i did good.

Then i came home and broke. i had the same reaction as i did all those years ago, before i got to the point of burying things. i handled the situation, then after, when things were all safe, i broke. i used to vomit because of the stress i would feel, or i would cry and bang my head against a wall. This time i fell asleep. i don't even remember feeling tired. i woke up when the MIT got home, then fell right back asleep. The MIT took real good care of Himself and stayed out of trouble. i did get up about 4:45. The MIT and i had some fun joking around. Right now, the MIT is out with my Sis. They will be back soon.

i am proud of how i handled everything. i am proud of how i was able to think once i found out my tire was flat. i am proud that i dealt with my Mom after the flat. i am so proud of myself. i just really want to still sleep.

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Moving past a headache

Cookies are being baked.  Yule stuff has been bought.  Christmas music is playing.  Tree is lit.  Head is pounding.  The headache is something i can get past.  It happens.  It is actually a little motivating.  Knowing that when i finish everything, i can lie down without interruption, is a good thing. 

Last night was weird.  After i posted, my sister called and said that i was being 10.  That she remembers me, and her, doing the exactly same thing.  She even agreed that baking wouldn't be a good thing, since a 10 year old can't bake by herself.  i love my sister.  She has become my best support since Mike has died.  She is even playing Santa to me this year.  i know she is getting me colouring books and some other stuff that Mike would usually get me.  She is very special.  i just wish i could help her as much as she helps me.

Later, when it was bed time, i grabbed my Christmas Eeyore.  He has antlers and a scarf.  Mike got it for me last year.  i curled into bed, and suddenly i was crying.  i haven't done that in a while.  i just lay in bed, ignoring my other stuffed friends, and held Eeyore tightly, crying.  It wasn't an all out heart breaking cry.  Just a needing to grieve a bit cry.  It didn't last long, and i did feel a bit better after i woke up.  i guess i needed it. 

Anyways, time to bake more cookies for Tuesday.

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Motivation please

i just can't find the motivation to get into the kitchen and bake.  All i really feel like doing is sitting in front of the tree, music playing in the background and read.  i don't even have the TV on.  me, without TV.  Something is definitely off with me right now. 

i know if i don't bake some today, i will have to do it all tomorrow.  i don't want to put myself into the position of being in a crunch.  i just can't seem to get my ass in gear.  It isn't like it is all that late tonight.  i still have plenty of time to get in the kitchen.  i just don't feel like it. 

Maybe i'll just give myself some time to relax in the quiet, and then get to the baking.  Even if i don't do it today, tomorrow isn't a busy day for me, and i can do it then.  Living in the moment and enjoying it is important.  Being able to sit and listen to Christmas music while basking in the glow of my tree may be exactly what i need tonight.  Maybe i could add in a little libation to my evening.  Hmmmm.  Now that sounds great.  Bailey's, Christmas tree lights, a good book, and music.  Add in a bath and then tucking myself into bed, and i think i will have a nice Saturday night. 

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One more left

i only have one more gift to buy, and then i am done. Not only that, but the tree is decorated. i am not really feeling the "holiday spirit", but that is ok. That will come and go.

Therapy went ok. i had to meet with only the student counceler. We talked a bit about how things are going. She wanted to talk about what it was like and how i felt being pregnant, and about how the MIT seems to be progressing backwards, but i told her no. They are trying to teach me to stay in the moment, and let my energies go to that, and i felt that exploring that avenue of my issues would be taking away from dealing with the hear and now and the holidays. We did talk about how she sees / hears a difference in my attitude about certain things. A good example is the 21st.

The 21st would be the day that Mike and the MIT and i would celebrate our Christmas / Yule* together. To make the day more ok for me, i have plans for that night. Plans to be with friends that are supportive of me feeling what i feel, when i feel it. There will be no pressure of having to be happy the entire time. There will be on pressure of having to feel grief that night. No matter how i feel, it will be ok. Plus, when i talked to the councelor about it, i used words like "might" have a problem, instead of "will" have a problem. i talked in maybe's and if it does. That definitly is a change for me. i have E to thank for that one. She taught me that about when the MIT started high school. That there is power in how we think, and that by expecting the worse, i am setting myself up. i talked about that with the councelor. That by saying it would be a difficult day, i would be setting myself up in 2 ways. Either i would have fun and be mad at myself for enjoying things to much, or i would be grumpy and withdrawn, and be mad at myself for not enjoying the night. The councelor thinks i am looking at the holidays in a healthy way. She was suprised to learn i have even gone grocery shopping alone.

Overall, therapy went well. i walked out feeling like i could survive all this grieving and the whole holiday season. i walked out knowing in my heart that i have friends that are supportive of me, and that i don't have to hide how i feel around them. It is like by saying it outloud it made it more real to me. Even the MIT has been more supportive of me grieving. He no longer says He hates Mike when i am upset. He says "you are thinking of MFM** aren't you?", and lets it go at that.

This post is feeling pretty jumbled. It is covering a lot of stuff i didn't expect to put in it. That is ok. This is a place for me to vent for a while. Plus, this venting is all good.

*Note : i actually had to explain what Yule was to the councelor. She thought it was some sort of party. Now that was fun.
**Note : MFM stands for Mike's initials.

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Today sucks

It all started about 11 last night.  That is when the MIT started to vomit.  He vomits quietly.  No gagging, no moaning that his stomach hurt.  Just a whiff of a smell as i walked passed His room.  i got Him up, and showered Him and changed His sheets.  Waited a bit, in the dark.  Waited to see if it would happen again.  Took about 1/2 hour, before it happened again.  That is when the vigil started.  me, sitting in the dark, with a flashlight, waiting for Him to barf again.  After a while it became bile.  It kept happening.  Finally, at 10 this morning, it stopped.  He woke hungry.  Welcome to the migraine of my MIT. 

Obviously i didn't go to clean today.  i finally was able to nap after i got the MIT off to school.  i decided i could re cooperate better if He wasn't here.  So, i did get some sleep.  About an hour or so. 

Then more bad news.  my passport didn't come in today, like it was supposed to.  i called the passport office, and guess what.  my passport hasn't finished being processed yet.  Although the woman at the office said it was guaranteed to be sent out on the 12th, it doesn't matter.  Apparently they are too busy this year.  Apparently it is "hoped" that they will be processed in 10 working days from the day it is handed in to the office.  So, no passport, means no movement on the Make-a-Wish trip.  It is at a stand still. 

The MIT has left for karate.  i am home alone.  i don't feel like decorating the tree.  i don't want to go into the basement.  i don't want to get all cheerful.  i don't want to do anything right now, except hide in my room and sleep.  i think that is exactly what i am going to do.  Crawl into bed, maybe read for a bit.  Do absolutely nothing until the MIT comes home. 

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Less rushed...i think

2 projects are done.  i am impressed and proud of getting them done.  The problem i still am having is not feeling overwhelmed by everything. 

i still feel like there isn't enough time.  i feel like i have so much to get done, and won't be able to complete it all.  i feel like i can't do it all alone.  Hell, the tree is still naked cause i don't want to decorate it by myself.  If Mike was here, He would have me break down everything and handle one task at a time.  So that is what i am coing to do. 

i am going to make myself a list of what i am doing tomorrow.  My schedule of the day basically.  Please don't feel like you have to read on.  This is for me.

- wake-up
- play on computer
- get wheelchair ready for school (pack MIT’s lunch)
- wake the MIT
- get the MIT dressed
- get the MIT’s breakfast)
- get MIT ready and off to school
- take out garbage
- take out recycling
- pack my bag (incl lunch and dinner)
- pack MIT's bag for karate 
- get gas
- leave for Toronto
- Clean L's house (Yeay!!!!!)
- get M&S from school
- watch M&S
- MIT comes home
- SSAH worker takes MIT off the bus (while i am in Toronto)
- MIT goes to karate (while i am in Toronto)
- eat packed dinner at Laura’s
- leave for Hamilton
- come home
- take ironing board to basement
- bring up tree decorations
- MIT comes home
- get MIT ready for bed
- put MIT to bed
- put on Christmas music
- decorate tree
- go to bed

Friday is : shopping (3 gifts, and groceries), Therapy (1:00), baking cookies (1st batch)
Saturday is : go to Michael's (Yule stuff), bake cookies (2nd batch)
Sunday is : bake cookies (3rd batch), wrap friend's gifts

Ok, i think i can do this for the next couple of days.  i can get a handle on what i need to do, and what i want to do.  Take it slow.  Don't push myself to much.  Don't add more pressure, as this is supposed to be a fun time.  Not a stressful time.  i can do this, without freaking out.  i can do this.

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Time Crunch

i am feeling like there isn't enough time to do everything.  Here is my "to do" list.

Decorate the tree (Soon, a bare tree is depressing)
Finish gifts the MIT is giving (before 21st)
Finish gifts i am giving (before the 21st
Buy 2 gifts (before the 26th)
Do dishes (daily thing)
Bake cookies (before the 19th)
3 doctor appointments (all before the 25th)
1 day of school (last class on the 20th)
Wrap gifts with the MIT
Wrap gifts without the MIT
Munch / Cookie Swap (19th)

Ok, so breaking it down, it doesn't look that bad.  It is do-able.  i can finish the stuff with the MIT tonight.  i can start the decorating the tree tonight.  i can work on the gifts i am making tomorrow.  i can bake Fri. night,  Sat. night, and Sun.  i can do shopping on Sat. while the nurse is here for the MIT.  i have no studying to do before school on the 20th. 

Breaking stuff down, definitly helps me feel more in control.  My big "thing" right now, is the naked tree.  It smells nice, and is big and looks good.  Well, good for a naked tree.  i just want to decorate it.  One thing at a time.  Finish off the thing with the MIT, then i can move on to getting up the decorations for the tree, and working on that tonight. 

Motto for right now......One thing at a time.  Just one thing at a time. 

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The start of me getting ready for the holidays

Tree day went ok.  i had moments when things were rough for me.  i couldn't for the life of me pick a tree.  The one i finally picked was because it had a nest in it.  To me, it meant it held life.  Yes the nest was empty, and made of moss and paper.  i don't know what kind of nest it was, but it once held life.  my Dad cleaned out the nest, and then had it put on the shaker, just to make sure no one was still living in it.  Once we got the wrapper off of it, it exploded.  branches and needles everywhere.  It is so big, moving furniture may be in order.  i have to say it is a beautiful tree.  It isn't decorated yet, but i am enjoying the smell. 

Today i planned on baking cookies for the cookie swap i am running.  So far, there are 14 people joined up (that includes me).  i am dividing the group into 2, but have decided that i am baking cookies for everyone so i can get cookies back from everyone.  i am going to be the only one that gets ALL cookie types.  Everyone else will walk away with 6 dozen.  i will walk away with 13.  Enough cookies to provide presents for people i am not that close to.  i don't know if i feel like baking, but i have decided that i will do at least one batch.  It won't be enough (13 dozen = 156 cookies), and i don't really know how many people it will take care of.  i just know it is a recipe i like, and have used in the past and was a winner the year i made them.

Today is also Mommy and MIT day.  Tonight is all about tacos.  i am also going to see if i can get Him out of the house long enough to buy some supplies for making chocolates.  Maybe i can also get Him to make some.  It isn't that hard to do, and isn't the usual "cookies in a jar" He usually gives people.  Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

Still no word on Make-a-Wish.  i am still waiting for my passport.  Once that comes in, my sister will be photocopying them and faxing them off to Julie.  Then we will get the dates and start to book.  i am hoping for it to be after Christmas.  i want Christmas to be a highlight, and not a let down after the MIT gets to meet Mike Myers.  i was told that there was a possibility of spending New Years Eve in New York.  That would be really cool. 

Anyway, the MIT will be home in about 3 hours.  That should be enough time to do some baking.  Ok, time for Christmas music, and baking.  Wish me luck.

Edit : couldn't find my cookie cutter.  i need a 1 1/2 inch round, and i don't own one.  Have to wait until the MIT gets home.  Sure i could go out now, but i don't feel like it.  What to do, what to do.

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Tree Day !!!!! (not all that happy a post)

So today is tree day.  Today is the day my family goes out and kills 2 trees.  Usually Mike would be up with me, and helping me do grocery shopping, and filling of the thermos (which i can't find) and getting ready for the day.  He would also be making sure i dress warmly and put boots on my feet.  i am really missing Him this morning.  i woke thinking He was here.  i woke wondering where He was in the bed.  i woke wondering if He had started getting stuff ready.  But of course, He isn't here.  So, instead, it is all just me.

This morning i have to have a shower and get dressed, head out to Fortinos and actually get groceries for the week.  i am also going to the Miller's Bin to get chocolate to melt later this week for treats for people.  Then it is to Day/Night for some meds, and finally Tim Horton's cause i can't find Mike's thermos, and i am wanting a part of Him with us today.  OK, just found the thermos.  It was up and hidden in the cupboard above the fridge.  Yes, i am happier now.  Sure it is going to be full of tea and not coffee, but it will still be a part of Him with us. 

So, today has started off a little rough, but i am optimistic about how it will turn out. Well, a little optimistic.  On to the rest of the day.

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Blech!!

i am still sick. i am on antibiotics, in the hope of the cold not reaching my lungs and to kill the sinus infection that i have. Some days i feel better. Other days i feel like crap. i just want to feel like normal for an entire day. i feel out of control, and can't seem to get back on track with eating right and checking my blood sugars as often as i should be. i have been missing medication times, and basically, not taking care of myself. i need to get back to that again. Sounds like time for another "promises" post to myself.

All my Christmas decorations are up. Tomorrow is tree cutting day. It is a family tradition that i didn't want to ignore this year just because it won't be the same as the last 6 years. It was a family tradition for a long time. As long as i can remember. Mom would make hot chocolate and rice crispy squares. Dad would be in charge of the tools to cut the trees and load them on the vehicle. We would all climb into the car and head off to the same place, year after year. Other family, extended family, would also be there. We would trek out of the warmth of the car, and head off to find 2 perfect trees. Yes 2. Both for my Nana so she could pick the one she liked best. Later i would learn (since i never caught on) that the second tree was the one Santa put up each Christmas morning at our house. Later on, we had to change tree lots, but the tradition continued.

Once the MIT was with us, we changed things a bit. One year we got 3 trees. Soon after, Nana decided not to have a real tree, so we only got 2, one for me, and one for Mom and Dad. the first year with the MIT was fun. He was all bundled up in a warm sleeper, with a hot water bottle, inside a box like knitted baby bag. He was the warmest of the bunch. We pulled Him along in a little baby sled. Later, Dad would help me mount the tree in its stand and i would be left to decorate it as i saw fit. All fond memories.

When Mike entered the picture, things changed again. The first year He didn't join us. He was too knew to the relationship for me to feel comfortable including Him. After the first year, He would make a point of coming tree hunting with us. We would all load into Mom and Dad's van, and head out. He really seemed to enjoy Himself. He seemed to like to side with Dad and Sis as they pointed to trees at the edge of the parking area, so we would have to go trekking into the "wild". That didn't last long. He soon got into the spirit of actually hunting for the right tree, and would then mount it in the stand for me. Last year, we went to a brand new lot and it was wonderful. All proceeds from the sales of the trees went to the handicapped horse riding school. They have a bus service (that is wheelchair accessible) to get you to the trees. There was a Christmas store where you could get ornaments and decorations. There was a path with cutouts to take your picture in. There was a stand to get hotdogs, hamburgers, hot cider, hot chocolate and coffee. It is perfect, although more expensive than most places. Dad and Mike really bonded last year. More fond memories.

This year we are going to the same place. i fell in love with it last year, and want to go back. i am excited about going this year. i am taking back my traditions. Well that is how i see it. i am also going to be looking for a Yule log while trudging threw the lot. i want that tradition back in my life. L has been very encouraging about me getting back to where i used to be a very long (pre MIT) time. She doesn't know how much just seeing Her alter reminds me of what i used to do, and pushes me (quietly) to enjoy the different celebrations i have been neglecting.

Today i am doing something new. i am going with P and E to Kitchener for some holiday cheer and shopping. i have never been there for this, so it should be fun. No kids are allowed, except for E and i. i am really excited and can't wait until after 12:30 when P and E will be picking me up. i have some money from working on Thursday so i can buy some more decorations for my house. i can also find stuff to give to those last few people on my list. i am going to enjoy today.

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YEAY!!!!!!!!

It's snowing! It's snowing! It's really, really snowing!!!!!!

(and all it took was me starting to decorate for the holidays)

Quick lesson learned

When buying cute Kleenex because of the type of boxes it comes in, do not have someone say "now all you need to use them, is to get sick".  If someone does say that, a cold, full of sniffles, sinus pain, sneezing, and coughing, will appear within 48 hours.  Good thing i am going to the doctor's today.

Ok, time to head into the deep, dark, and damp basement to get the Christmas decorations, and get this season of celebration started.

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A movie, a Play Party, and December

Yesterday was a big day.  There were ups and downs and stuff i haven't really processed yet. 

i went with L, D and the girls to see Happy Feet.  It wasn't what i expected.  It was advertised as this really good cartoon for kids.  Cute and cuddly kind of movie.  In the beginning, that was what it was.  It was adorable with a the laying of the ground work of the message about how being different wasn't always a bad thing.  Then, things went weird.  There was stuff about religion blended in.  There was an environmental message in there about how we (humans) are bad and destroying the earth.  There was the overly done message about being different.  The movie left a bad taste in my mouth.  There was a review of the movie in the Boston Globe that said most of how i feel about the movie.  Of course i didn't read it until after i had seen the movie.  i would have been more prepared if i had read it before. 

After the movie, L and i went out clothes shopping and basic running around.  Clothes shopping was fun.  L found she can fit in a smaller size than she used to.  i found something to wear that is completely different than anything i have worn to a play party before.  It was really fun.  L advised me on what She liked me in, and i took Her advice.  It wasn't a "She choose it for me", which was nice.  i was having a problem with wanting to not think and be told what to do, but trying not to get back into old habits of hiding behind someone else when i should be taking responsibility for myself.  Anyways, after a few more stops, we headed back to my place to get ready for the party.

Walking into the party was hard.  Harder still, was seeing someone that looked like Mike in the back of the room.  The same old glasses, the same hair style when i first met Him, and a slight facial similarity.  That really threw me off.  Then finding people i had pulled away from (and i mean really pulled away from) being there.  People i had counted on right after Mike had died, and who let me down by being thoughtless.  People i had never told how i truly felt about them.  They each came up to me and gave me hugs.  They each were excited to see me.  At least the one i hated the most stayed in her chair.  That made me feel better.

i haven't really processed all i felt about the being in that dungeon.

This, being December usually means a lot to me.  It usually means i have decorations all over the house, lights hooked up outside, a general giddiness about the upcoming season.  i am not really feeling it this year.  i have one decoration up in the living room.  One.  No lights outside.  Some snow window clings up.  That is really it.  i haven't even brought up the entire Rubbermaid of "pre-tree" decorating stuff.  i am getting angry at myself because of it.  i want to be able to enjoy this season as much as i have in the past.  i want to be able to want to decorate my house.  Hell that isn't it, i want to decorate my house, but it is like i don't feel like i should be enjoying this season.  It is like there is a part of me that wants to wallow.  It is like i am fighting 2 different emotions.  As i sit here, i can't figure out what to go with.  Hell, i hadn't expected to write this part of how i was feeling at all.  i want to put decorations up.  i want to enjoy the holiday.  i want to be excited.  i have bought gifts.  i have enjoyed buying gifts.  i have been avoiding Christmas cartoons and music.  i figured that would just make me feel worse.  But it is tradition.  It was tradition before Mike came into our lives, why can't it still be tradition now?  Maybe that is it.  Maybe all this is about me thinking i need to feel / act a different way than i usually do, and the rest of my head pushing me to realize it is still a time of year i like.  That it is ok to enjoy stuff, even if Mike isn't here. 

Guess i have a couple of things to process.

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Panic......Attack!!!!!!

So, i called E and she said i have every right to be in the middle of a panic attack.  Great.  Now what.  i know, keep breathing.  Take deep breaths.  Relax and go with how i am feeling.  Cry if i feel like crying.  Sleep if i feel like sleeping.  Do what it is my body needs me to do. 

See, today started with last night.  Last night i went looking for someone to look after the MIT today (He is ill) so i could go to school and therapy.  Couldn't find anyone, including my Mom.  This morning, i had no choice but to go begging to my Mom for help.  i am sure she will never let me forget it. 

Next i had my first formal practicum today.  i got to do a full session on a volunteer that my teacher has been doing reflexology on for god knows how long.  i know walking in on this that the client will be comparing what i do with how V does it.  That makes me nervous.  Add to that, my already stressed start, and i am having to do that self-talk that i know what i am doing, and that i can take as long as i need.  The other student is going fast, and i am taking my time, working on reflexes that are associated with my client's problems and complaints.  i am using light pressure since she is and uncontrolled diabetic, is on blood thinners, and has heart problems.  i didn't get any feedback at the end of the session.  None even from V.  i finally asked the right questions and was told that yes i had been using a lighter pressure than the client was used to, but since it was my first time with her, and considering her health history, i did the right thing.

Move on to my therapy session.  It started 1/2 hour later than scheduled.  It includes my actual psychiatrist.  A medical professional that doesn't buy my happy go lucky attitude as i walk in the door.  She was able to get me crying in less than 5 minutes of talking to me by asking the right questions.  i am sure she will be telling my councilors how to do the exact same thing.  Great, just great. 

And now i sit here realizing that tomorrow, i am actually going to a play party.  A play party in the same dungeon that Mike and i help build.  A dungeon that Mike and i played in together.  A dungeon i have never played in unless Mike was there. 

Add next -
Problem : i need to shave, and my hands are shaking.  i can't see shaving the "dangly bits" with shaky hands.  Especially when i can't even see the "dangly bits" without a mirror, and more flexibility than i actually posses. 
Solution : i guess i wait.  i can't take meds to help me relax and then expect to be able to shave.  i just wouldn't care if i cut myself.  Then again, it might be fun to feel that again.  That rush of pain and hormone.  i haven't had that feeling in over a month.  i think the last time was back in October.

So, yeah, i am panicking.  i am stressed and worried about tomorrow night.  i shouldn't be, there is nothing that can go "wrong".  It doesn't matter to anyone i am going with, or to those that know i am going, how i will react.  There is really nothing to logically be worried about.  Yet i am, and i still need to shave.  (oh yeah, and i feel like my house is a mess, and i have stuff to hide before i have company come over tomorrow)

AAAARRRRGGGGGG (this is me running around the neighbourhood, naked, pulling my hair out)

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