Sunday, June 21, 2009
Back for a bit
i know i have been away for a while. i am still here. i am just lost right now. Lost in thought. Lost in responsibility. Lost in my own head. i have no map to help me find my way out. i am doing it the hard way. A therapy session at a time. Talking about how i feel. Contemplating my future. Watching my son. If there is a way out of this maze, i will find it. i just don't know when, or how.
Friday, May 08, 2009
That time of year again
i know. i haven't been here in a while. It is that time of year again. The time in the year that i reflect on where i am (my birthday past and i am almost 40, and can't say i am happy with my station in life), how the MIT is doing (His health is getting worse, and He is loosing more weight, and is getting sick more often. Plus He is getting older), and what has happened in the past.
Right this moment, and since the middle of March, i keep "living" in different years. 2005, 2006, and 2007. Each day i know what happened that long ago. i loose what day of the week it is, depending on the year i am "living" in. It feels like i am going crazy. Luckily i am seeing my therapist today (it is 4:30 am right now).
i have been hiding from friends. i have made a few new friends. That old childhood song about old friends and new friends and silver and gold rings true for me. Yes i am hiding from my old friends, but it is because i am having enough trouble living in the now, without sharing memories with them. The new friends, well, it is easy to forget, for a little while, how many years it has been and how sad and emotional i am right now. They are a great escape.
i did my cutting finally. The one of Mike's initials. The mark i have been needing and wanting for so long. The mark we used to talk about when He was alive. It is on my left breast, in an area He had already marked with a knife. i just finished it off. i am going to maintain it. Keep it fresh and clear. i need it. It felt so right when i did it. Doing it, calmed me in a way regular cutting hasn't. Even now, a week after i did it, i still run my fingers over it, and know who i belong to.
i took down my profiles from collarme, and alt. i don't need them any more. i also put most of the S/m toys away. Again, i don't need them any more. i guess you could say i have decided to bury that side of myself. i have to. No one will be able to live up to Mike's legacy right now. i don't even want someone in my life right now. Sure sex would be nice, but i have toys for that.
Oh yeah. i cut my arm Wednesday. i now have 5 stitches holding together a 2 1/2" gash on my right forearm. It is ugly, but healing nicely. Stitches can come out in 10-15 days. Until then, i wear saran wrap in the shower.
Overall, life has been sucky. But, i am still here. Still kicking. Still lingering. Still hanging on.
Right this moment, and since the middle of March, i keep "living" in different years. 2005, 2006, and 2007. Each day i know what happened that long ago. i loose what day of the week it is, depending on the year i am "living" in. It feels like i am going crazy. Luckily i am seeing my therapist today (it is 4:30 am right now).
i have been hiding from friends. i have made a few new friends. That old childhood song about old friends and new friends and silver and gold rings true for me. Yes i am hiding from my old friends, but it is because i am having enough trouble living in the now, without sharing memories with them. The new friends, well, it is easy to forget, for a little while, how many years it has been and how sad and emotional i am right now. They are a great escape.
i did my cutting finally. The one of Mike's initials. The mark i have been needing and wanting for so long. The mark we used to talk about when He was alive. It is on my left breast, in an area He had already marked with a knife. i just finished it off. i am going to maintain it. Keep it fresh and clear. i need it. It felt so right when i did it. Doing it, calmed me in a way regular cutting hasn't. Even now, a week after i did it, i still run my fingers over it, and know who i belong to.
i took down my profiles from collarme, and alt. i don't need them any more. i also put most of the S/m toys away. Again, i don't need them any more. i guess you could say i have decided to bury that side of myself. i have to. No one will be able to live up to Mike's legacy right now. i don't even want someone in my life right now. Sure sex would be nice, but i have toys for that.
Oh yeah. i cut my arm Wednesday. i now have 5 stitches holding together a 2 1/2" gash on my right forearm. It is ugly, but healing nicely. Stitches can come out in 10-15 days. Until then, i wear saran wrap in the shower.
Overall, life has been sucky. But, i am still here. Still kicking. Still lingering. Still hanging on.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Proud Mommy!!!!!!
He did it. He earned His brown belt. my son. my wonderful, temper mental, teenage son. i am so proud of Him. Next is brown stripe, red, red stripe and finally black. He was so proud of Himself, He allowed my Dad to take a picture of Him wearing it. i will post said picture once i get a copy of it.
i am just so proud.
i am just so proud.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Birthday weekend
Today is my full day off. i slept in (waking at 9:30). i have breakfast without anyone bothering me. i made and had a good, healthy lunch. i have done the dishes. i have finished knitting another ball of wool into my afghan. i am relaxing the only ways i know how.
The MIT will be here soon. i will help Him get changed into His uniform. i will send Him off to do His best and hope He is able to earn His brown belt. i am very proud of Him.
Today is also L's birthday. Part of me wants to send her a card, and wish her good wishes. i wanted to do the same on D's birthday. i just can't bring myself to do it. A friendship with them is not something i want to pursue, but they are still important in the MIT's mind. He knows it is her birthday. He asked if i was going to send her a card, just like when D's birthday came up. i can honestly say the hate is gone. The hurt is still raw. So no, i won't be sending a card to her today. Just like what happened on D's birthday. It is better that way. i know i am not someone they want to hear from, and i am still to hurt by what happened to put it all behind me.
Today is a just me day. A day to do what i want, need and enjoy. (plus wish i had a smoke, but not going to go and get any or smoke any. Week 5 starts Wednesday)
The MIT will be here soon. i will help Him get changed into His uniform. i will send Him off to do His best and hope He is able to earn His brown belt. i am very proud of Him.
Today is also L's birthday. Part of me wants to send her a card, and wish her good wishes. i wanted to do the same on D's birthday. i just can't bring myself to do it. A friendship with them is not something i want to pursue, but they are still important in the MIT's mind. He knows it is her birthday. He asked if i was going to send her a card, just like when D's birthday came up. i can honestly say the hate is gone. The hurt is still raw. So no, i won't be sending a card to her today. Just like what happened on D's birthday. It is better that way. i know i am not someone they want to hear from, and i am still to hurt by what happened to put it all behind me.
Today is a just me day. A day to do what i want, need and enjoy. (plus wish i had a smoke, but not going to go and get any or smoke any. Week 5 starts Wednesday)
Saturday, March 07, 2009
And it keeps going
The spotting i mean. i went for my ultrasound and then the doctor's. Won't know the results until Monday or Tuesday. When i move or change position, i bleed again. i am getting frustrated. i want the pain and the bleeding to stop. i want to get "normal" again.
Still not smoking. It is amazing how my bank account is reflecting this. It is interesting not having to worry about running out of money for another week. i am really proud of myself. i am doing really well.
i am getting bored with the afghan. i want to make something more difficult. i want to make something to wear. i think. i will finish the afghan. i will finish it soon. i will be needing it when we go camping again. i am trying to convince everyone (meaning the MIT, and Dad) that we should go at the end of this month, or the middle of April for the first trip of this year. i also need to figure out when we have to book sites for the summer. i so want to go camping again. It will be different with not smoking. i will need stuff to do with my hands when the MIT and Dad are busy watching DVD's. i am glad i have more recipes in my arsenal now. It will make camping and meal eating more fun.
Etsy is still drawing my attention. Sometimes it inspires what i want to do next. Sometimes it makes me want to spend money. i have a list of favourite sellers and favourite items a mile long. And i keep going back. There are so many interesting "shops" there. i have favourite jewelery shops. i have favourite pottery shops. i even have favourite handmade purse shops. i don't really have favourite knitting shops, mainly because i can knit and like to knit, and if they are listed as one of my favourites, it is because i want to borrow their patterns or ideas.
Oh, big news. The MIT is going to be grading for His BROWN belt on the 14th. He is doing really well with it, and His teachers are being really positive and only making a few concessions for Him. He is even self advocating to do it. He knows when He can ask to test. He knows that He needs to work hard. i am really proud of Him. After brown, it is brown-stripe, red, red-stripe, black. His teachers are working really hard to get Him to black. They want it so bad for Him. i am proud of them all.
Ok, time to get ready to go out and get groceries with my Mom and Dad (still no driving allowed). Then home to make chili and store it, chicken noodle soup and store it, banana bread and store it, and apple crisp and store it. It is a keep busy day. i don't know what i am trying to hide from, but it is what baking and cooking help me do.
Still not smoking. It is amazing how my bank account is reflecting this. It is interesting not having to worry about running out of money for another week. i am really proud of myself. i am doing really well.
i am getting bored with the afghan. i want to make something more difficult. i want to make something to wear. i think. i will finish the afghan. i will finish it soon. i will be needing it when we go camping again. i am trying to convince everyone (meaning the MIT, and Dad) that we should go at the end of this month, or the middle of April for the first trip of this year. i also need to figure out when we have to book sites for the summer. i so want to go camping again. It will be different with not smoking. i will need stuff to do with my hands when the MIT and Dad are busy watching DVD's. i am glad i have more recipes in my arsenal now. It will make camping and meal eating more fun.
Etsy is still drawing my attention. Sometimes it inspires what i want to do next. Sometimes it makes me want to spend money. i have a list of favourite sellers and favourite items a mile long. And i keep going back. There are so many interesting "shops" there. i have favourite jewelery shops. i have favourite pottery shops. i even have favourite handmade purse shops. i don't really have favourite knitting shops, mainly because i can knit and like to knit, and if they are listed as one of my favourites, it is because i want to borrow their patterns or ideas.
Oh, big news. The MIT is going to be grading for His BROWN belt on the 14th. He is doing really well with it, and His teachers are being really positive and only making a few concessions for Him. He is even self advocating to do it. He knows when He can ask to test. He knows that He needs to work hard. i am really proud of Him. After brown, it is brown-stripe, red, red-stripe, black. His teachers are working really hard to get Him to black. They want it so bad for Him. i am proud of them all.
Ok, time to get ready to go out and get groceries with my Mom and Dad (still no driving allowed). Then home to make chili and store it, chicken noodle soup and store it, banana bread and store it, and apple crisp and store it. It is a keep busy day. i don't know what i am trying to hide from, but it is what baking and cooking help me do.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
And then....
i did go to my therapist and told her how i was feeling about my last appointment with her. She totally understood. We talked about it, realized that it hit her personally and that she wasn't completely professional that day. i forgave her. i understand that for a woman (and she is younger than myself) the subject of giving up on having kids can be difficult. No big deal.
Best part was that i told her how i felt. i didn't let the idea that i wouldn't be pleasing and was probably not going to be getting her approval didn't stop me. i am getting better at that. Same thing with asking my Mom and Dad and Sis for help. i don't mind if they say no to me. It isn't a personal attack if they do that. It doesn't mean i am a bad person if i speak up. i still struggle with this, but i am watching myself get better with it.
Saturday was a difficult day. i pushed one of the MIT's OCD buttons, and He ended up getting physical with me. This included 2 kicks (and not passive ones, but deliberate ones) to my gut. Once i had gotten Him all calmed down, and sitting on the couch with my Sis, i went into my room, collapsed on my bed and i went into shock. i called the doctor on-call, and was told to take pain killers and if they worked, not to worry. Well, i started spotting Monday. i couldn't push out the pee from my full bladder without pain and more effort than should be required. i called the doctor yesterday. She is going to be sending me for an ultrasound. i am seeing her on Friday and we will be doing a urine test. On top of that, i have instructions to follow.
No driving
i can no longer pick up a laundry basket
i need to ask someone to put a 12 pack of pop in the fridge for me
i can not push the MIT in His wheelchair
If the spotting increases, i am to call and get an appointment to be seen
If i can not go pee again, i am to call and get an immediate appointment
Drink lots of water (tea is ok, but not so much diet pepsi. i drink tea slower than pop)
If it hurts, don't do it
At least i am still not smoking. Today started week 3. The staff at the diabetic clinic are proud of me. my therapist is proud of me. my Sis's groups is proud of me. The MIT's nurse is actually proud of me (she was sure i wouldn't and couldn't do it past a day or two). Heck, i am very proud of me.
Today i am fascinated by Etsy. It is an interesting site. i am enjoying looking at the "stores" of those in my province, and even in my city. It is cool. Some of the things i am seeing, i want. Other stuff is giving me ideas. The great news is i have been sitting here, and not craving a smoke. Go me!
Oh yeah...i gave up Chinese food for Lent
Best part was that i told her how i felt. i didn't let the idea that i wouldn't be pleasing and was probably not going to be getting her approval didn't stop me. i am getting better at that. Same thing with asking my Mom and Dad and Sis for help. i don't mind if they say no to me. It isn't a personal attack if they do that. It doesn't mean i am a bad person if i speak up. i still struggle with this, but i am watching myself get better with it.
Saturday was a difficult day. i pushed one of the MIT's OCD buttons, and He ended up getting physical with me. This included 2 kicks (and not passive ones, but deliberate ones) to my gut. Once i had gotten Him all calmed down, and sitting on the couch with my Sis, i went into my room, collapsed on my bed and i went into shock. i called the doctor on-call, and was told to take pain killers and if they worked, not to worry. Well, i started spotting Monday. i couldn't push out the pee from my full bladder without pain and more effort than should be required. i called the doctor yesterday. She is going to be sending me for an ultrasound. i am seeing her on Friday and we will be doing a urine test. On top of that, i have instructions to follow.
No driving
i can no longer pick up a laundry basket
i need to ask someone to put a 12 pack of pop in the fridge for me
i can not push the MIT in His wheelchair
If the spotting increases, i am to call and get an appointment to be seen
If i can not go pee again, i am to call and get an immediate appointment
Drink lots of water (tea is ok, but not so much diet pepsi. i drink tea slower than pop)
If it hurts, don't do it
At least i am still not smoking. Today started week 3. The staff at the diabetic clinic are proud of me. my therapist is proud of me. my Sis's groups is proud of me. The MIT's nurse is actually proud of me (she was sure i wouldn't and couldn't do it past a day or two). Heck, i am very proud of me.
Today i am fascinated by Etsy. It is an interesting site. i am enjoying looking at the "stores" of those in my province, and even in my city. It is cool. Some of the things i am seeing, i want. Other stuff is giving me ideas. The great news is i have been sitting here, and not craving a smoke. Go me!
Oh yeah...i gave up Chinese food for Lent
Friday, February 27, 2009
One week since
It has been one week since my surgery. It has been one week since i decided to quit smoking. So here is what has been happening.
Surgery - it went really well. The doctor was able to reach my fallopian tubes and clip them. i am now not able to get pregnant. i no longer have to worry about a little egg getting fertilized. Now, when i miss months of periods, i don't have the worry about possibly being pregnant (in those times i actually have sex). The hole in my belly button is healing slowly. The hole above my c-section scare is well passed healed. i have bruising on my belly that would scare some sadists (not any i know but you get the idea). The doctor had said she sends most people back to work a week after the surgery. When i reminded her that my "work" includes lifting a 150 lb teenage boy, she said i should take 3 weeks. Like that is possible. He (the MIT) decided that the surgery was going to make me sweeter and nicer and not so mean. He realized that wasn't the case when i sent Him to bed at 8:00 because of bad behaviour. i think i have to stop letting Him watch so many dog programs.
Stopping smoking - It has been over a week without a smoke. my sense of smell is heightened (i can even smell the meds on the patches i put on every morning). my sense of taste is better. The cold i had left with in days. i have been knitting. i am almost 1/2 way done. i am making a Quaker Stitch afghan. See :
It is an interesting stitch. i am really enjoying it. i knit when i feel like having a smoke or even if i am just bored and am thinking of eating for no reason.
Today is therapy day. Today i get to tell Sandy that i actually had the surgery. i don't know why her trying to talk me out of it, or just talking about not having it done bothered me so much, but it did, and still does. Like i didn't think it out all the way? Like i will regret it at the age of 45 and want to try to have another child? Like i have the energy to have another child? There are way to many other options if i ever felt that way. Everything from fostering to adoption. Yup, it is still bothering me.
Today, i am also looking at my bank account. i didn't have to put out $100 for smokes last week. i didn't have to put out $100 this week for smokes. It is weird, and i don't trust it yet. i don't trust that i will not need the money for something serious or for something "just because".
OK, time to head off to shower and get ready for Sandy.
