Wednesday i was woken up by screaming and yelling. There was a fire in our complex. It wasn't my row, and it wasn't my house, but still. Flames were shooting out the top floor window. Glass was shattering and blowing out due to the heat. The flames spread up the room, and started on the unit next to it. Everyone got out safely. That is the good news. How it started is a mystery still. One likely reason is the wiring of the unit. The other is that a faulty alarm clock caused the electrical fire. The smoke detectors (which are hard wired) didn't go off.
The news that relates to me, is that my anxiety level has increased to the point of almost paranoia. i have been unplugging everything except when i am using it. i am scared about my house burning up when i am not here. i am scared of going to sleep without someone else here (my sister slept over last night). i even put a call in to Sandy (my therapist) because i am sure i am going crazy. i must be nuts. It isn't logical that i should be scared about my house catching on fire. It isn't like it happened to my row of houses. It isn't like it really affected me.
Sandy made me feel a bit better. She said that if it is electrical, and the way the houses were built, i have a justified fear. It doesn't feel justified. What my Mom has said makes it feel unjustified. What the nurse said makes it feel unjustified. But Sandy says it is. She says that i need to do something to make myself feel better. Have an electrician come in and check my wiring. Continue with helping with the fundraiser those in the survey are trying to put together to help the family that was burned out of their house (they didn't have insurance). She pointed out that i took control of my fear enough to be a comfort to the little girl, who sat and watched as the firefighters worked on her house (i gave her a new blankie and the big ugly frog Mike had given too me). i thought of some stuff that Mike would have thought of, like making sure those that were hysterical had caffeine and sugar to drink, and that they would sit down.
Great, that is all great, but i am still scared of leaving things plugged in. i am still scared to fall asleep. i am still scared to leave the house. i want to take all my pictures down and put them in a box and hide them someplace safe. Get them out of the house in case it burns down. Everything. i want everything and everyone safe. i really don't feel safe. i feel like i am on edge. i feel like i have no control. i feel like i am going crazy.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Wow, what a response
i can't believe how many requests for treatments i have gotten. Ok, the fact that they are free is probably a big selling point, but still. WOW!!!
i have a treatment booked for tonight, one for tomorrow morning, one for tomorrow night (i hope), 2 for Friday, one on Monday, one on Tuesday, 2 on Wednesday morning, and one that night (i hope). i still have a lot of people to respond to and book appointments with. At the rate i am going, i will be able to do my practicum mid-term before July. Man that would be nice. Plus, i am establishing a client list. i hope to be able to keep these people hooked enough, that they will continue with me, once i can make money off this venture.
Today is going to be cleaning day. i have people coming here for their appointments, and i want the place to be immaculate. First impressions are very important. By the end of the day, the house will be spic-and-span clean. my room will be very geared to a relaxing experience. my home will be one that is lived in, but again, a relaxing experience. i will put plants out, i will have the bathroom set-up so it is a little haven. i will buy water so i can provide my clients with refreshments after their treatments. And yes, i can get all this done today.
i am really proud of myself for figuring out a way to get new clients, and get lots of appointments booked. This will be fun.
i have a treatment booked for tonight, one for tomorrow morning, one for tomorrow night (i hope), 2 for Friday, one on Monday, one on Tuesday, 2 on Wednesday morning, and one that night (i hope). i still have a lot of people to respond to and book appointments with. At the rate i am going, i will be able to do my practicum mid-term before July. Man that would be nice. Plus, i am establishing a client list. i hope to be able to keep these people hooked enough, that they will continue with me, once i can make money off this venture.
Today is going to be cleaning day. i have people coming here for their appointments, and i want the place to be immaculate. First impressions are very important. By the end of the day, the house will be spic-and-span clean. my room will be very geared to a relaxing experience. my home will be one that is lived in, but again, a relaxing experience. i will put plants out, i will have the bathroom set-up so it is a little haven. i will buy water so i can provide my clients with refreshments after their treatments. And yes, i can get all this done today.
i am really proud of myself for figuring out a way to get new clients, and get lots of appointments booked. This will be fun.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Plans, thinking ahead, happy future?
Today is a good day, and i am making plans.
1) i am getting serious about my reflexology, especially since i only have until December to get all the procedures i need, and my testing complete. So:
a) i have emailed my reflexology teacher, to book a date for my written mid-term test.
b) i have posted on facebook and a freecycle group i am a member of so i can get more procedures done.
c) i am booking appointments with friends, so i can get more procedures done.
d) i am going to Ikea to get a small computer chair to use during procedures.
2) i am doing waterfit again, thanks to P. He is hard to say no too, and i like it. So:
a) i will be going to waterfit at least 2 times each week in the day time
b) i will be going out and finding a new suit soon
Hmm, that is all i can think of for now. Who knows what i can come up with later. Part of this planning has to do with my therapy.
i am learning how to center myself using my Baby Bear. i just hope Baby Bear's paw can handle all the centering. i just keep stroking his paw, and breathing, and i seem to stop the roller coaster of emotions i am currently going threw. i do have to say that carrying around a stuffed animal all the time, looks a little weird, but it is the way i need to do things right now.
The MIT is doing good. He doesn't seem to be having too many problems with the new med He is on. No seizures since He has started them, but then again, He hasn't gone full blown since He started them. Going full blown seems to be the catalyst that starts the seizures. The med the doctor chose, is reported to help with episodes, so maybe that is also what is going on. Also with the MIT, the school is noticing that He is regressing in some areas. Especially physically. At least i am not the only one that is seeing it. That kind of makes me feel better.
And me? i am still angry at Mike. i am still mad that He can't say sorry for the biggest lie He told. i am still mad for all the shit that happened after His death. i still can't grasp why He didn't leave a will. At least if He had done that, He could have given explicit instructions as to what He wanted after His death. At least, maybe, i wouldn't have been made out to be the bad guy so much. My emotions have been up and down like a roller coaster. i never know when a high will hit, or when a low will hit. Lows suck. Highs feel great. i just like the in between so much better.
Anyways, time to start packing my bag for swimming, and to get a hold of someone about reflexology.
1) i am getting serious about my reflexology, especially since i only have until December to get all the procedures i need, and my testing complete. So:
a) i have emailed my reflexology teacher, to book a date for my written mid-term test.
b) i have posted on facebook and a freecycle group i am a member of so i can get more procedures done.
c) i am booking appointments with friends, so i can get more procedures done.
d) i am going to Ikea to get a small computer chair to use during procedures.
2) i am doing waterfit again, thanks to P. He is hard to say no too, and i like it. So:
a) i will be going to waterfit at least 2 times each week in the day time
b) i will be going out and finding a new suit soon
Hmm, that is all i can think of for now. Who knows what i can come up with later. Part of this planning has to do with my therapy.
i am learning how to center myself using my Baby Bear. i just hope Baby Bear's paw can handle all the centering. i just keep stroking his paw, and breathing, and i seem to stop the roller coaster of emotions i am currently going threw. i do have to say that carrying around a stuffed animal all the time, looks a little weird, but it is the way i need to do things right now.
The MIT is doing good. He doesn't seem to be having too many problems with the new med He is on. No seizures since He has started them, but then again, He hasn't gone full blown since He started them. Going full blown seems to be the catalyst that starts the seizures. The med the doctor chose, is reported to help with episodes, so maybe that is also what is going on. Also with the MIT, the school is noticing that He is regressing in some areas. Especially physically. At least i am not the only one that is seeing it. That kind of makes me feel better.
And me? i am still angry at Mike. i am still mad that He can't say sorry for the biggest lie He told. i am still mad for all the shit that happened after His death. i still can't grasp why He didn't leave a will. At least if He had done that, He could have given explicit instructions as to what He wanted after His death. At least, maybe, i wouldn't have been made out to be the bad guy so much. My emotions have been up and down like a roller coaster. i never know when a high will hit, or when a low will hit. Lows suck. Highs feel great. i just like the in between so much better.
Anyways, time to start packing my bag for swimming, and to get a hold of someone about reflexology.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Loneliness, and debating dating
my weekend has been quiet. Quiet is good. Quiet this weekend, brought boredom. Boredom brought loneliness. Loneliness, brought thoughts of dating again. Thoughts of dating, eventually brought panic.
i know i am not ready for a committed relationship. i know i am not ready to give myself over to anyone completely, or even try to find someone with that in mind. i just know that i am lonely. i don't like being at home alone all the time when the MIT is away. i want a body next to me. i want someone to talk to, other than myself. i want someone to share time with, go out to the movies with, go to events with. Someone that is mine, without them being someone else's.
There are problems finding that someone. i want my extended family to accept them, and they have pretty high standards. i want to be able to call them when i need them. i don't want to take orders from them much. i don't want them to be freaked out by the pictures of Mike on the wall. i want them to be able to take care of me a bit. i want to be able to let go with them a bit. Heck, after a year of no sex, that would be nice too. But the most important part, is that my extended family accept them. This is so important to me, that i feel like asking them to find me someone. Have them pick and choose, and eventually introduce me to them, and know that they all approve. Yes i am talking about an arranged relationship.
The problem with this, is that we all know all the same people in this little "community" of ours. We all know who has slept with who. Who broke-up with who, and probubly the reason why. Who we trust and who we don't. Who act with a lot of bravada. Who just wouldn't fit with the group of us. i want this person to fit. i want to not feel like this person is a reflection of me, but that i am a reflection of them.
Anyways, i have updated my profile on Collarme.com. i am not expecting much. i am expecting to not find anyone in the area. L&D have suggested expanding the prospective area, by going to events in Niagra, and Ottawa. Cool suggestion. But again, i don't want to be the one to pick the person. i want to pick them, so i know that they already have the group stamp of approval. i belong to the group in a way, and it is a safe place to belong. They know who i am, what i am like, how i tend to be. They know me, and know the real me, and not the me that i would be putting out there to find someone new.
Hmmm, i am starting to like this idea. Maybe i should talk to the group and see what they can come up with. i suddenly have this picture in my head of anyone that wants to be with me, standing in front of them, answering questions, and getting voted out, depending on their answers and their abilities. Maybe we could call it "Survivor: Dom island". LOL
i know i am not ready for a committed relationship. i know i am not ready to give myself over to anyone completely, or even try to find someone with that in mind. i just know that i am lonely. i don't like being at home alone all the time when the MIT is away. i want a body next to me. i want someone to talk to, other than myself. i want someone to share time with, go out to the movies with, go to events with. Someone that is mine, without them being someone else's.
There are problems finding that someone. i want my extended family to accept them, and they have pretty high standards. i want to be able to call them when i need them. i don't want to take orders from them much. i don't want them to be freaked out by the pictures of Mike on the wall. i want them to be able to take care of me a bit. i want to be able to let go with them a bit. Heck, after a year of no sex, that would be nice too. But the most important part, is that my extended family accept them. This is so important to me, that i feel like asking them to find me someone. Have them pick and choose, and eventually introduce me to them, and know that they all approve. Yes i am talking about an arranged relationship.
The problem with this, is that we all know all the same people in this little "community" of ours. We all know who has slept with who. Who broke-up with who, and probubly the reason why. Who we trust and who we don't. Who act with a lot of bravada. Who just wouldn't fit with the group of us. i want this person to fit. i want to not feel like this person is a reflection of me, but that i am a reflection of them.
Anyways, i have updated my profile on Collarme.com. i am not expecting much. i am expecting to not find anyone in the area. L&D have suggested expanding the prospective area, by going to events in Niagra, and Ottawa. Cool suggestion. But again, i don't want to be the one to pick the person. i want to pick them, so i know that they already have the group stamp of approval. i belong to the group in a way, and it is a safe place to belong. They know who i am, what i am like, how i tend to be. They know me, and know the real me, and not the me that i would be putting out there to find someone new.
Hmmm, i am starting to like this idea. Maybe i should talk to the group and see what they can come up with. i suddenly have this picture in my head of anyone that wants to be with me, standing in front of them, answering questions, and getting voted out, depending on their answers and their abilities. Maybe we could call it "Survivor: Dom island". LOL
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Nascar, letters, and crying
Last night i spent my quiet time watching Nascar, and writing another letter to Mike. i was having a bad night. i was missing Him to pieces, but not to feel Him with me, but to beat His chest and yell and scream at Him. i wanted to hear why He broke such a big promise to me. i wanted to hear why He didn't write His desires for after His death on paper, so i wasn't put in the position i was in a year ago. i wanted to beat on His chest and tell Him how much He hurt me again, after promising never to hurt me again. i cried a lot. i even smudged the writing. i just needed to get more of it out. i don't want the anger to overwhelm me as much as the guilt did. So i am letting it out as it comes along.
While writing the letter, i realized that i am not ready to even consider finding a partner yet. i am not ready to find someone to be with on a regular basis. That every man/woman i was to try to be with, would be compared to Him. Yes, i feel lonely sometimes, and i wish i had a partner who i could call my own, and i could count on them to pull on my hair, center me, and let me "let loose". That i could be a part of a couple again. i miss being part of a couple, or belonging to someone.
i have also learned a lot this year about myself. i am able to keep myself on track with taking my meds. i am able to manage my house. Sure, i have needed help with it at times when emotions overwhelmed me, but i have been really independent about stuff. i have been able to survive this past year. i have had my ups and downs, but i have survived.
Friends have helped a lot. They are the best friends i have ever had. They have never let me down and they have never guided me wrong. They have listened to me cry, and listened to me rant. They have directed me back to the real world. They have taken poison for me. They have acted as a wall for me. They have even put up with me moping and getting stagnant. They have played with me when i have needed it. They have put up with a lot. i am glad they are all my friends. i don't know what i would have done without them
Therapy has been a godsend (don't tell Sandy). i never thought i would feel safe in therapy. i thought i would have to hide the bdsm side of myself, but i don't, and Sandy doesn't think i am crazy because of it.
i have had a good year, overall. i have gotten in touch with my feelings. i have friends that are the best in the world. i have found a strength inside myself i didn't know i was there. i have watched my son grow and mature. i have had a really good year.
Who knew
While writing the letter, i realized that i am not ready to even consider finding a partner yet. i am not ready to find someone to be with on a regular basis. That every man/woman i was to try to be with, would be compared to Him. Yes, i feel lonely sometimes, and i wish i had a partner who i could call my own, and i could count on them to pull on my hair, center me, and let me "let loose". That i could be a part of a couple again. i miss being part of a couple, or belonging to someone.
i have also learned a lot this year about myself. i am able to keep myself on track with taking my meds. i am able to manage my house. Sure, i have needed help with it at times when emotions overwhelmed me, but i have been really independent about stuff. i have been able to survive this past year. i have had my ups and downs, but i have survived.
Friends have helped a lot. They are the best friends i have ever had. They have never let me down and they have never guided me wrong. They have listened to me cry, and listened to me rant. They have directed me back to the real world. They have taken poison for me. They have acted as a wall for me. They have even put up with me moping and getting stagnant. They have played with me when i have needed it. They have put up with a lot. i am glad they are all my friends. i don't know what i would have done without them
Therapy has been a godsend (don't tell Sandy). i never thought i would feel safe in therapy. i thought i would have to hide the bdsm side of myself, but i don't, and Sandy doesn't think i am crazy because of it.
i have had a good year, overall. i have gotten in touch with my feelings. i have friends that are the best in the world. i have found a strength inside myself i didn't know i was there. i have watched my son grow and mature. i have had a really good year.
Who knew
Friday, May 18, 2007
A strange sense of peace
That is the only way to describe how i feel this morning. i actually feel at peace. i can't even remember the last time i felt this way. Yes there was a lot of crying last night. Crying i needed. Even some yelling i needed. Being able to do the ritual last night, made me feel much better. i know my grieving isn't over, but at least i got a lot of emotion out, and was able to come to peace in my own head about Mike's death, and about my missing Him so much.
He would have been both scared for me, and proud of me for the fire i built. Man it burned hot. Who knew that soaking some stuff in rubbing alcohol could be a great fire started. Who knew that all the stuff i put in would cause a fire hot enough to make me check my eyebrows every once in a while. It was a pretty fire, and it even smelled ok. i am sure the herbs i used helped with the smell. What i also found calming, is the ritual. The idea that i didn't forget a lot of stuff, that i did remember how to do it, that even just walking the circle, made me feel better. Ok, so did the full bottle of wine i drank, but hey, i deserved it.
Clean-up is this morning. i have wax that dripped off candles to clean-up. i have to sift the ashes, and place some in the bottles i found. i will be taking the rest to one of the places i know He had wanted His ashes spread. That will possibly create a shedding of tears again, but it is His birthday, and He should get what He wants for His birthday. The wax from the candles will be burried there also. Just like last year's.
i am finding this peace hard to comprehend, but am enjoying it while i feel it. Knowing i can, in my own way, do something for Him that He wanted, and knowing that i was able to say my peace last night, makes the calm feeling less of a mystery. Also, i deserve to feel some peace. It has been a long time coming. Enjoying it isn't a bad thing. It is more like letting myself feel what ever emotion i have, and embracing it. Just like i embraced all the emotions i felt last night.
Embracing emotion - good
Burying emotion - bad
He would have been both scared for me, and proud of me for the fire i built. Man it burned hot. Who knew that soaking some stuff in rubbing alcohol could be a great fire started. Who knew that all the stuff i put in would cause a fire hot enough to make me check my eyebrows every once in a while. It was a pretty fire, and it even smelled ok. i am sure the herbs i used helped with the smell. What i also found calming, is the ritual. The idea that i didn't forget a lot of stuff, that i did remember how to do it, that even just walking the circle, made me feel better. Ok, so did the full bottle of wine i drank, but hey, i deserved it.
Clean-up is this morning. i have wax that dripped off candles to clean-up. i have to sift the ashes, and place some in the bottles i found. i will be taking the rest to one of the places i know He had wanted His ashes spread. That will possibly create a shedding of tears again, but it is His birthday, and He should get what He wants for His birthday. The wax from the candles will be burried there also. Just like last year's.
i am finding this peace hard to comprehend, but am enjoying it while i feel it. Knowing i can, in my own way, do something for Him that He wanted, and knowing that i was able to say my peace last night, makes the calm feeling less of a mystery. Also, i deserve to feel some peace. It has been a long time coming. Enjoying it isn't a bad thing. It is more like letting myself feel what ever emotion i have, and embracing it. Just like i embraced all the emotions i felt last night.
Embracing emotion - good
Burying emotion - bad
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Just Breath
i am feeling it already. The panic is setting in. What if the "ritual" i want to do is rained out? i have placed so much importance on this ritual as a way for me to say goodbye to Him. Even as i type this, my breathing is quick and shallow. i am not looking forward to facing the day.
The MIT asked to stay home today. Part of me wants that. i want Him to be close to me all day, so i know nothing will happen to Him today. i like that He asked me so nicely, and that He is actually worried about me today. He hasn't shown that kind of consideration or maturity about Mike's death, ever. Even His "i don't care" doesn't hold as much fire anymore. To let at least the MIT in, since He also hasn't had a chance to grieve. i want to keep Him, my Sis, even my parents close to me today. i want them to be in reach. i want to make sure they are all safe. i want P&E here, L&D, S, my friends. i want them to all be around here, so we can all grieve together. So that i don't feel like i am going through this alone. Kind of have them all come in stages, while i am walking around feeling so shitty. Yet feeling safe in the place i have created to do my ritual.
Then the other part of me speaks up. i want to be left alone in my grief. i want to just be, and have no interruptions in what it is i do and feel. i want to "handle" it all myself. That side of me is screaming. Screaming loud and clear. i want to do it on my own. i want to hide in my room, or hid in the back yard, and grieve and grieve. Cry and cry. Feel and feel. Just be sad and down, and weepy the way i know how.
i didn't realize it at the time, but i have already started the ritual. i burned sage into ash, last night. i did it while walking all through the house. Sort of smudging the place while i was walking, making sure it wouldn't stop burning. The ashes are going to part of the ink i make for part of the rest of the ritual tonight. i get to mix it with a pink wine. Mike always like a rose (yes there should be a thingy on top of the e, but i don't know how to do that right now), so it seems quite a good idea. my Sis picked something to go in the fire tonight. Stickers of the #48 car from Nascar. Mike's favourite driver being Jimmy Johnson. i am glad she remembered. i would have forgotten and gotten all mad at myself for it. i have a whole bunch of other things. A paint stir stick (Mike loved it as a toy). A shirt the MIT painted for Him our first Christmas together. Gauze and medical tape for the first aide side of Mike. Rubbing alcohol for the fire play side of Mike (along with a picture of Him doing fire play). A Tim Horton's cup with DD on the lid. A pair of His socks (His feet were always cold, and i want to hold on to His slippers). The two pictures of the MIT He carried in His wallet. The picture of the MIT and i together at the "Yes I can" awards. Two pictures of Him in lingerie (one while i played with Him, and one where He dressed up for me). Sage, His favourite incense. A picture of Mike and i together. There is a lot more other stuff, but i can't remember what it all is right now. Right now i am back to crying again. i still have to sew up the sarong i am going to wear to do the ritual. i will sew it once i get back from therapy. i also want to pick-up some maple cookies for tonight. Mike loved those.
Maybe the best compromise for me today, is to allow people to come over as they need, while i take care of what it is i need to do today. That sounds like a good idea. Let people come over, and if they want, they can bring something to add to the fire. They can add what they feel represents Mike, and who He was to either them, or just in general. That way i don't have to interrupt my head space for the ritual and stay in my space for the ritual. i mean, that is the whole purpose for me today. To say goodbye to Mike in the way i need to. To do what i need to grieve and let go of some of the bottled up feelings i have.
Time to care for the MIT. i am letting Him stay home from school today. i think He needs to see me cry and grieve, so that He can learn to do the same thing. He is obviously wanting to understand, or he wouldn't have asked to stay home.
The MIT asked to stay home today. Part of me wants that. i want Him to be close to me all day, so i know nothing will happen to Him today. i like that He asked me so nicely, and that He is actually worried about me today. He hasn't shown that kind of consideration or maturity about Mike's death, ever. Even His "i don't care" doesn't hold as much fire anymore. To let at least the MIT in, since He also hasn't had a chance to grieve. i want to keep Him, my Sis, even my parents close to me today. i want them to be in reach. i want to make sure they are all safe. i want P&E here, L&D, S, my friends. i want them to all be around here, so we can all grieve together. So that i don't feel like i am going through this alone. Kind of have them all come in stages, while i am walking around feeling so shitty. Yet feeling safe in the place i have created to do my ritual.
Then the other part of me speaks up. i want to be left alone in my grief. i want to just be, and have no interruptions in what it is i do and feel. i want to "handle" it all myself. That side of me is screaming. Screaming loud and clear. i want to do it on my own. i want to hide in my room, or hid in the back yard, and grieve and grieve. Cry and cry. Feel and feel. Just be sad and down, and weepy the way i know how.
i didn't realize it at the time, but i have already started the ritual. i burned sage into ash, last night. i did it while walking all through the house. Sort of smudging the place while i was walking, making sure it wouldn't stop burning. The ashes are going to part of the ink i make for part of the rest of the ritual tonight. i get to mix it with a pink wine. Mike always like a rose (yes there should be a thingy on top of the e, but i don't know how to do that right now), so it seems quite a good idea. my Sis picked something to go in the fire tonight. Stickers of the #48 car from Nascar. Mike's favourite driver being Jimmy Johnson. i am glad she remembered. i would have forgotten and gotten all mad at myself for it. i have a whole bunch of other things. A paint stir stick (Mike loved it as a toy). A shirt the MIT painted for Him our first Christmas together. Gauze and medical tape for the first aide side of Mike. Rubbing alcohol for the fire play side of Mike (along with a picture of Him doing fire play). A Tim Horton's cup with DD on the lid. A pair of His socks (His feet were always cold, and i want to hold on to His slippers). The two pictures of the MIT He carried in His wallet. The picture of the MIT and i together at the "Yes I can" awards. Two pictures of Him in lingerie (one while i played with Him, and one where He dressed up for me). Sage, His favourite incense. A picture of Mike and i together. There is a lot more other stuff, but i can't remember what it all is right now. Right now i am back to crying again. i still have to sew up the sarong i am going to wear to do the ritual. i will sew it once i get back from therapy. i also want to pick-up some maple cookies for tonight. Mike loved those.
Maybe the best compromise for me today, is to allow people to come over as they need, while i take care of what it is i need to do today. That sounds like a good idea. Let people come over, and if they want, they can bring something to add to the fire. They can add what they feel represents Mike, and who He was to either them, or just in general. That way i don't have to interrupt my head space for the ritual and stay in my space for the ritual. i mean, that is the whole purpose for me today. To say goodbye to Mike in the way i need to. To do what i need to grieve and let go of some of the bottled up feelings i have.
Time to care for the MIT. i am letting Him stay home from school today. i think He needs to see me cry and grieve, so that He can learn to do the same thing. He is obviously wanting to understand, or he wouldn't have asked to stay home.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
dreading tomorrow
So tomorrow is the anniversary of Mike's death. i have a therapy appointment in the morning, but after that, i am left to my own to face the day. i have actually come up with a bit of a plan. Some of it came from my therapist's suggestion. Some of it has come from my old pagan rituals. Some has come from looking stuff up on the web. Basically, tomorrow, i am going to say good-bye to Mike in my own way.
i am going to let myself feel all the feelings i have pent up. i have created a ritual that signifies something very special to me. It is going to be a long ritual. It is my chance to say good-bye, and say thank you and say how angry i am, and say how much i wish He was actually here. It will involve burning things that represent who Mike was to me, and even who He was to some others. It will involve me writting Him a letter, of my feelings and burning. It will involve some alcohol, but not much. It will involve His favourite cookies, but not many. It will involve me saying goodbye, and keeping what is left as a way to remember Him, without to much clutter.
i am actually content with what i have chosen to do. i am content in the knowledge that i am doing this for the right reasons, and even know that after the ritual, i will still be grieving, and will still hurt, and will hopefully feel more free to experience those feelings.
Here are some pictures of how i have started to remember this day.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Falling further and further down the rabit hole
It is a really bad day. Really bad. i am so not wanting to face anything. i want to be drunk, or drugged, or anything so i can stop thinking. i don't want to be remembering. i don't want to be feeling this bad inside. i want to feel something else. Anything else. i want to be able to feel some joy. i need to feel something. Anything. God this grief is overwhelming. i just want the grief to go away for a while. i just want to feel anything else for a while.
Living in the past
That is how i feel as i am writing right now. i wake up each morning thinking it is last year. i sit at the computer waiting for Him to message me in the morning, sure i will hear from Him today. See today would be Monday. Today would be Him going to work, messaging me once He got there, and talking to Him once i get the MIT off to school. Tonight it would be me at His place. We would be spending quiet time together. Just us. Talking, relaxing, some play mixed in. It shouldn't have been the last time.
Yesterday, the last time i woke up, Him lying beside me, and me sneaking out to get Him a coffee from Tim Horton's. It was the last Sunday we spent relaxing together in the morning, feeling like we had the whole day to ourselves. It was the last birthday party i had for Him. It was the last time i would get to surprise Him in a way that made Him happy. It was the last time we played together. i mean REALLY played together. It was the last time He had me on a spanking bench. It was the last time He used most of His toys on me. It was the last time i wore His collar and cuffs. Yesterday was the last time a group of us were to be together thinking happy things. Yesterday was the last time i got to say "happy birthday Master". It shouldn't have been the last time.
Tomorrow will be the last time i slept with Him. It would be the last time i see Him sitting at my computer. It will be the last time He wrote in His journal. It will be the last time He was feeling like He would make it to being 50 years old. It will be the last time, walking to the bedroom together. It will be the last time He asked to see my ass, and admire any marks He left there. It will be the last time feeling His body next to me as i fall asleep, feeling His breath on the back of my neck, feeling His lips on the sweet spot on my neck. It will be the last time i will have sex with Him. It will be the last time i hear Him call me His slut, His property, His to do with as He pleases. It will be the last time i feel Him over me, hear His breathing change, feel the sweat falling onto my back, feel His fingers on my nipple. It will be the last time we are together, in what is now my bed. It shouldn't have been the last time.
Thursday will be the last time He woke me before going to work. It will be the last time waking up to His message to me and talking to me each morning. It will be the last time i get to talk to Him online. It will be the last time of seeing His face, either in person, or on the computer. It is the last time i get to hear Him say He loves me, promise He loves me, telling me how important i am to Him. Thursday will be the last time of having Him in my life. Thursday will be the last time He will say "talk to you later baby". It shouldn't have been the last time.
Thursday will be the day i am at my friend's place, enjoying my self before my cell phone rings. Thursday will be the day i am told He has died. It will be the day i could not do what i had promised Him in regards to what i was to do if He died. It will be the day i can't go into His apartment and erase His computer, or take the toys out of His apartment, or even get to see Him dead. Thursday will be the day i feel myself break. Thursday will be the day i loose a part of who i am, and still haven't found it. Thursday will be the day that has changed my life so much.
i wake up feeling like it is a year ago. i feel like i am back in that week, living the story, unable to change what happens next, unable to stop turning the page, and knowing what the ending is like. i don't know how, feeling so lost, to find a way out of the story.
Yesterday, the last time i woke up, Him lying beside me, and me sneaking out to get Him a coffee from Tim Horton's. It was the last Sunday we spent relaxing together in the morning, feeling like we had the whole day to ourselves. It was the last birthday party i had for Him. It was the last time i would get to surprise Him in a way that made Him happy. It was the last time we played together. i mean REALLY played together. It was the last time He had me on a spanking bench. It was the last time He used most of His toys on me. It was the last time i wore His collar and cuffs. Yesterday was the last time a group of us were to be together thinking happy things. Yesterday was the last time i got to say "happy birthday Master". It shouldn't have been the last time.
Tomorrow will be the last time i slept with Him. It would be the last time i see Him sitting at my computer. It will be the last time He wrote in His journal. It will be the last time He was feeling like He would make it to being 50 years old. It will be the last time, walking to the bedroom together. It will be the last time He asked to see my ass, and admire any marks He left there. It will be the last time feeling His body next to me as i fall asleep, feeling His breath on the back of my neck, feeling His lips on the sweet spot on my neck. It will be the last time i will have sex with Him. It will be the last time i hear Him call me His slut, His property, His to do with as He pleases. It will be the last time i feel Him over me, hear His breathing change, feel the sweat falling onto my back, feel His fingers on my nipple. It will be the last time we are together, in what is now my bed. It shouldn't have been the last time.
Thursday will be the last time He woke me before going to work. It will be the last time waking up to His message to me and talking to me each morning. It will be the last time i get to talk to Him online. It will be the last time of seeing His face, either in person, or on the computer. It is the last time i get to hear Him say He loves me, promise He loves me, telling me how important i am to Him. Thursday will be the last time of having Him in my life. Thursday will be the last time He will say "talk to you later baby". It shouldn't have been the last time.
Thursday will be the day i am at my friend's place, enjoying my self before my cell phone rings. Thursday will be the day i am told He has died. It will be the day i could not do what i had promised Him in regards to what i was to do if He died. It will be the day i can't go into His apartment and erase His computer, or take the toys out of His apartment, or even get to see Him dead. Thursday will be the day i feel myself break. Thursday will be the day i loose a part of who i am, and still haven't found it. Thursday will be the day that has changed my life so much.
i wake up feeling like it is a year ago. i feel like i am back in that week, living the story, unable to change what happens next, unable to stop turning the page, and knowing what the ending is like. i don't know how, feeling so lost, to find a way out of the story.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Tears and more Tears
i figured out today, that i find being with my therapist a safe thing. It was so safe, i didn't want to leave when the session was done. i was even the one that kept an eye on the clock. i just didn't feel like leaving a place where i was safe to cry, or yell, or bitch, or feel whatever i was feeling. i can even take my baby bear with me, and she doesn't think i am strange. It is almost as safe as home. i think that says a lot for Sandy. Yes she pushes me, and yes she can bug me to see things i don't want to see, but she still makes me feel safe there. Heck, i even took in my own box of Kleenex, because the kind that are there suck. i also took her photos of Mike to show her who i keep talking about. i have even booked an extra appointment for this coming week. She even said i could call and leave messages on her voicemail if it helped.
Yes i am grieving. Grieving hard. There was a point there today where i wanted to block it out. i started pulling my own hair, and told myself no. i need this. i need to let out, after holding it all in. i am learning how to do that again. i just happen to be doing it over a really big loss. i have a right to grieve. So i am grieving. i am still taking all my meds. i am still getting up in the morning with the MIT, and making sure He goes off to school. i am still eating 3 times a day (most days). i am still living, just allowing myself those long moments when i need to cry and talk and cry some more.
i even put His picture up in my room. One that was given to me at the memorial service P&E set up. i finally put it up. It is in my room, on His side of the bed. i can just turn my head and look at it. i re-scented His pillow. i have been missing His smell. Hell, i have been missing Him. i just really miss Him
One year ago today, we were at the MIT's award ceremony for the "yes i can" awards. i remember that. i remember the photos taken of us all. i remember what the plan was for tomorrow. i remember everything we did on this day. The time we spent together. i even have the picture He kept from that night. Some people have told me just to concentrate on just the happy memories. The problem is, those are the ones that hurt the most right now. Those are the ones that bring on the most tears
Yes i am grieving. Grieving hard. There was a point there today where i wanted to block it out. i started pulling my own hair, and told myself no. i need this. i need to let out, after holding it all in. i am learning how to do that again. i just happen to be doing it over a really big loss. i have a right to grieve. So i am grieving. i am still taking all my meds. i am still getting up in the morning with the MIT, and making sure He goes off to school. i am still eating 3 times a day (most days). i am still living, just allowing myself those long moments when i need to cry and talk and cry some more.
i even put His picture up in my room. One that was given to me at the memorial service P&E set up. i finally put it up. It is in my room, on His side of the bed. i can just turn my head and look at it. i re-scented His pillow. i have been missing His smell. Hell, i have been missing Him. i just really miss Him
One year ago today, we were at the MIT's award ceremony for the "yes i can" awards. i remember that. i remember the photos taken of us all. i remember what the plan was for tomorrow. i remember everything we did on this day. The time we spent together. i even have the picture He kept from that night. Some people have told me just to concentrate on just the happy memories. The problem is, those are the ones that hurt the most right now. Those are the ones that bring on the most tears
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Balance
i am grieving. It is like the first time i have been able to. Last year, i would put other's feelings ahead of mine. i was worried about offending B. i was worried about crying in front of people. i was worried about crying in front of the MIT. i was mixed-up in drama that pushed the grief away. i didn't allow myself the time. i just didn't allow myself.
This time, i don't have to worry about anyone else. i can grieve just for the sake of grieving. i am letting myself remember, and cry, and feel the pain and the hurt. i am wrapping myself in His sent, clothes, and even His slippers. If i feel like just lying in my bed crying, i am doing just that. If i feel like crying in the shower, that is what i am doing. If i feel the need to just curl up and talk to Him, then i talk and talk and talk.
i am getting to the point where i feel like i am wallowing. Part of me wants to wallow. i feel like i should be allowed to wallow and that i need to, just for a while. i never had the chance last year. i didn't feel like i had the right to wallow. Others had more of a right to grieve than me. i put my feelings of grief to one side because i didn't feel like i deserved it. Too much was going on. This year, i have the time and the desire. i deserve to grieve. i need to grieve. i am grieving. i just don't know where the balance is.
i am going to talk to Sandy about it tomorrow. i know she is going to answer back about why i feel i have to justify why i feel the need to cut myself off from the grief. i can already hear her in my head. (See, i do pay attention in therapy) i am also going to take her up on the offer to see her more times this coming week. It is going to be a tough week. Too many memories. Too many dreams crushed. i am needing a safe place to let it all out, and therapy is becoming just that.
Heck, i still have homework to do for tomorrow's appointment. i have to look up what causes waves in the ocean. i also have to write up a piece about how it feels when i am feeling the pain of the grief. It has to be a "mindful" piece. i will be doing that today. i am also going to be making myself leave the house and get some groceries that are needed.
Ok, am starting to babble. Time to get the MIT off to school, and then to work on MY homework.
This time, i don't have to worry about anyone else. i can grieve just for the sake of grieving. i am letting myself remember, and cry, and feel the pain and the hurt. i am wrapping myself in His sent, clothes, and even His slippers. If i feel like just lying in my bed crying, i am doing just that. If i feel like crying in the shower, that is what i am doing. If i feel the need to just curl up and talk to Him, then i talk and talk and talk.
i am getting to the point where i feel like i am wallowing. Part of me wants to wallow. i feel like i should be allowed to wallow and that i need to, just for a while. i never had the chance last year. i didn't feel like i had the right to wallow. Others had more of a right to grieve than me. i put my feelings of grief to one side because i didn't feel like i deserved it. Too much was going on. This year, i have the time and the desire. i deserve to grieve. i need to grieve. i am grieving. i just don't know where the balance is.
i am going to talk to Sandy about it tomorrow. i know she is going to answer back about why i feel i have to justify why i feel the need to cut myself off from the grief. i can already hear her in my head. (See, i do pay attention in therapy) i am also going to take her up on the offer to see her more times this coming week. It is going to be a tough week. Too many memories. Too many dreams crushed. i am needing a safe place to let it all out, and therapy is becoming just that.
Heck, i still have homework to do for tomorrow's appointment. i have to look up what causes waves in the ocean. i also have to write up a piece about how it feels when i am feeling the pain of the grief. It has to be a "mindful" piece. i will be doing that today. i am also going to be making myself leave the house and get some groceries that are needed.
Ok, am starting to babble. Time to get the MIT off to school, and then to work on MY homework.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Therapy and accepting
When Sandy called me into my session yesterday, she asked me how i was. i said "i am curled up in the fetal position surrounded by a ball of grief." That was the best way i could describe how i have been feeling. Swallowed up in a bubble of memories (good and bad) without knowing how to get out, and really, without the need to get out. i spent the entire hour crying. Almost getting angry at times with having to feel that way. But i didn't try to stop it. i just kept letting it out. Feeling all the sadness, all the loneliness, all the pain. Hating every moment of feeling that way.
It was good, in a way. It is what Sandy and i have been talking about so much. About letting myself just feel. Feel the sadness. Feel the pain. Just feel and let the feelings come, and feel them. No fighting them. No trying to hide myself by cleaning and doing anything but feeling. Just letting my self grieve and feel and (in my head) get it over with. OK, the getting it over with isn't the best attitude, but it is the one i am talking myself through so i can actually feel like there is joy somewhere after all this grief.
So that is what i am going to be doing. i am going to be just feeling. If i feel sad, i will let the tears come, and feel sad. If i feel pain, i will let the tears, or anger or what ever else happens, just come and feel pain. No trying to hide behind a book. No trying to push the emotions back. Just the knowledge that this month is going to be a hard month, full of memories that make me feel, and let those feelings come out.
So, for now, i sit and wrap myself in His robe. Using it as a way to feel His arms around me. Using it as a way to surround my with memories of Him and i together. i even slept with it on. i woke up with my eyes glued together from all the crying i did, either in my sleep or when i was heading into sleep. At least i am feeling right now. God i hate feeling, but i am not going to fight it.
Tonight/today i am spending with L & D. i know if i have a breakdown of emotion, they won't hold it against me. i know that i will be in a safe place, surrounded by them both. i just hope i don't ruin their time.
It was good, in a way. It is what Sandy and i have been talking about so much. About letting myself just feel. Feel the sadness. Feel the pain. Just feel and let the feelings come, and feel them. No fighting them. No trying to hide myself by cleaning and doing anything but feeling. Just letting my self grieve and feel and (in my head) get it over with. OK, the getting it over with isn't the best attitude, but it is the one i am talking myself through so i can actually feel like there is joy somewhere after all this grief.
So that is what i am going to be doing. i am going to be just feeling. If i feel sad, i will let the tears come, and feel sad. If i feel pain, i will let the tears, or anger or what ever else happens, just come and feel pain. No trying to hide behind a book. No trying to push the emotions back. Just the knowledge that this month is going to be a hard month, full of memories that make me feel, and let those feelings come out.
So, for now, i sit and wrap myself in His robe. Using it as a way to feel His arms around me. Using it as a way to surround my with memories of Him and i together. i even slept with it on. i woke up with my eyes glued together from all the crying i did, either in my sleep or when i was heading into sleep. At least i am feeling right now. God i hate feeling, but i am not going to fight it.
Tonight/today i am spending with L & D. i know if i have a breakdown of emotion, they won't hold it against me. i know that i will be in a safe place, surrounded by them both. i just hope i don't ruin their time.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Almost a year
It is almost a year since Mike died. i keep seeing the calender and there it is, the day He died. i keep remembering what we did on this day last year. i keep remembering He isn't here. i cried myself to sleep last night, thinking of what was last year. Thinking about what it is we did on the 11th, thinking about not going to the Hamilton munch last year because our relationship was still too new again. Remembering how i didn't tell anyone we were back together. Missing His body next to mine. Missing His hugs.
i don't want to experience this month. i want to crawl into a hole and hide. i thought about going to sleep and not waking up last night. i thought about how good it would be to not cry anymore. Why, even now do i still want to think it is all a nightmare. Why do i still go to sleep waiting to wake up and it not to have happened. i have tried to get on with life, but now, every time i walk by the calender, all i think is how i hate this month. How i want to go back in time, and do everything differently. How i want to scream from the roof-top that we were together (everyone knew, even P and E, L and D, and anyone that saw us together at the craft fair last year). i would stay online with Him longer, so that i could have called the ambulance as soon as it happened.
i don't know how i am going to survive this month. i am not even sure i want to. i just want to wake up from this nightmare. Please.
i don't want to experience this month. i want to crawl into a hole and hide. i thought about going to sleep and not waking up last night. i thought about how good it would be to not cry anymore. Why, even now do i still want to think it is all a nightmare. Why do i still go to sleep waiting to wake up and it not to have happened. i have tried to get on with life, but now, every time i walk by the calender, all i think is how i hate this month. How i want to go back in time, and do everything differently. How i want to scream from the roof-top that we were together (everyone knew, even P and E, L and D, and anyone that saw us together at the craft fair last year). i would stay online with Him longer, so that i could have called the ambulance as soon as it happened.
i don't know how i am going to survive this month. i am not even sure i want to. i just want to wake up from this nightmare. Please.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Pain Free
i don't know what they gave me at the hospital, but i woke up today pain free. No more pain in my head. God that was the worst pain i have ever had. 6 days of my head feeling like there was a claw in my brain and squeezing. i didn't think it was a migraine. i wasn't light sesative or noise sensative. It didn't feel like my regular migraines. Plus the fact that the pain originated in my calf on the 17th. None of it made sense. My doctor was at a loss, so she sent me to the hospital. They did a CT Scan and gave me migraine medication, and it worked. No pain. No need for a pain killer today. God i feel normal again.
i also happened to be dehydrated. The plain fluid they gave me didn't make me go pee until this morning, and it wasn't all that much that came out. So it is less pop and more water for me.
During all this pain, i was doing some things i should. i ate 3 times a day and i took all my meds when i should. my blood sugars are pretty normal. That is a nice feeling again. Also, i haven't been eating after 8, since i have been to bed about that time each night.
Today i am going to get back to normal. Tonight i am going back to water fit. Today i am getting the house back in order. After water fit, i am going to get groceries. i am seriously low on bread and other important stuff. Damn i wish it was warmer. Today would be the first day i could have actually have enjoyed the sunshine. Well, at least i have learned to enjoy my candles. i can't stop enjoying their glow.
Off to do dishes and vacuum. i am so glad to be back to my "normal" self
i also happened to be dehydrated. The plain fluid they gave me didn't make me go pee until this morning, and it wasn't all that much that came out. So it is less pop and more water for me.
During all this pain, i was doing some things i should. i ate 3 times a day and i took all my meds when i should. my blood sugars are pretty normal. That is a nice feeling again. Also, i haven't been eating after 8, since i have been to bed about that time each night.
Today i am going to get back to normal. Tonight i am going back to water fit. Today i am getting the house back in order. After water fit, i am going to get groceries. i am seriously low on bread and other important stuff. Damn i wish it was warmer. Today would be the first day i could have actually have enjoyed the sunshine. Well, at least i have learned to enjoy my candles. i can't stop enjoying their glow.
Off to do dishes and vacuum. i am so glad to be back to my "normal" self