Sunday, March 14, 2010

Bumps in the road

i have found that sitting at the computer, is not an activity that helps me avoid "maladaptive" behaviour. It actually creates a way i eat more. my blood sugars are back up to the 20's. In less than a week, i am back to where i was in December. Not body wise, but at least eating wise. This has got to changed.

i liked how i felt with normal blood sugars. i liked not being tired all the time. i liked being able to just sit. i am not like that anymore. i am back to where i was before, and i don't like it.

Time to try other activities.

Friday, March 12, 2010


i am nervous about going to see Sandy (welcome to A - activity in Accepts). i don't know what to say to her. Heck, i have even changed my outfit twice, with a third on the way (well, maybe not). At least i have had lunch.

One big bonus about being in the hospital was managing my diabetes and loosing weight. i am wearing a shirt i wouldn't dare wear last summer because i felt it was too tight in the stomach area. Now, not even close. Plus my jeans have no muffin top going on. i won't know my actual weight until Tuesday (when i see the doctor) but i know i am less than i was before going to the hospital. Even my boobs have shrunk.

So, while i sit here waiting for my ride, here are the crisis intervention skills i have learned

A - Activity - writing in this journal or my paper journal, going for a walk, cleaning, making a cup of tea
C - Contribute - look for things to donate to others.
C - Compare - not one i am good at
E - opposite Emotions - listen to calming music, listen to a TV show that is not to stressful (something with puppies LOL)
P - Push away - tell people to go away for a while, focus on self, don't try to entertain
T - Time Out - count to 10, deep breath,
S - Sensations - cuddle something fuzzy and enjoy the sensation, taste something soothing, hold some ice, have a warm shower

These are all distractions, meant to take me to the next moment in time.

i think i will order some steeped tea and even make a cup of tea to take with me.

Awake and pondering

i have turned my feelings off again. i know i have. Things that have happened, that i should have an emotional reaction to, i just haven't. Instead, i just get rational.

In DBT, there is rational mind, emotional mind and wise mind. Rational mind is where the facts are. It is where the fact that the MIT bit me stays. It is where the fact that He asked for adivan stays. It is the fact where He has a week of 8 o'clock bedtimes stays.

Emotional mind is where your emotions dictate a response. i know i should feel some anger. i should feel some form of emotional hurt. i know i should feel something. Heck, i even know i have had an emotional reaction. i ate way to much and went to bed to forget it ever happened. i just don't feel any of it.

While in the hospital, i could touch on feeling like a bad mom, hatred towards Him, anger at His actions, and even fear for what He could do to me. Here, none of that happens.

Today is therapy day. i don't know how that will go. i don't know if Sandy will want to continue being my therapist. i don't know if she can help me feel. This i can feel about. This makes me scared, and has woken me so early in the day. This had me tossing and turning all night. This i can feel. Nothing pertaining to the MIT. Just this.

Oh yeah, i have made a decision. i am no longer hooking the MIT up to His monitor. i need the sleep. Instead, i go to bed thinking about what His death will be like, what i will have written in the news paper, what i will email to friends, and what the service will be like. Again, no feeling, just facts.

Why am i so broken?

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Away and hiding (medically hiding)

So my symptoms made it impossible for me to take care of myself. The doctor finally got me to agree to go to the hospital. That is where i have been since Feb. 1st.

First was 2 weeks at the General. They ruled out stroke, MS, brain issues, and spinal inflammation. All good to know, because any of those would have meant not being able to get better. They determined it was something called "Conversion"

Conversion is when your body manifests emotional issues. Take for the example that i have been saying no to going into the hospital for my emotional issues for quite some time. my brain finally said "screw you, you have to go get help". So, off i go to St. Joe's for some intensive therapy.

i went in to St. Joe's without being able to walk, use my arm, feel anything on my left side, and not being able to see out of my left eye, or hear out of my left ear. Tomorrow i get discharged. i can now walk, hear, see, feel the keys beneath my fingers, feel pain, hot and cold, and act like a normal person. i also know i have certain things i need to work on.

i am taking something called DBT. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It is a new way of thinking about what to do during crisis, and then taking the time to feel the emotions later. They teach mindfulness, wise mind, and ways of handling situations without avoiding them. Of course this type of behaviour therapy counts a lot on lessening stresses. Things like getting more sleep is a big one. Taking the time to feel is also a big one for me.

So far so good though. Last weekend was full of panic. This weekend, i only got panicked going to get groceries. People asking me a lot of questions is also a stresses. So is to much noise. i have the techniques to deal with these as they happen. Playing my ipod while i shopped. Taking someone with me while i shopped. Deep breathing, counting to 10 while staring at cans of soup as if i was choosing one. All ways i was able to complete my shopping and not freak out totally.

While in hospital, i had a bonus reaction. my blood sugars are under control. i just have to not fall on old habits, like eating when i am stressed, and they will stay that way.

my biggest issue to deal with is something called Radical Acceptance. It is when you deal with the pain of the reality of a situation, so you don't "wallow" in it, and the suffering of it can go away. That brought up a lot of issues surrounding Mike, TJ, and the death of others i know and am close to.

i know i am not "fixed", but i have the tools to help.

Oh, and i met quite a few "interesting" people at St. Joe's. The staff were great. my favourite nurses were Barb, Pam, Danielle, George, Steve, and Alissandra, just to name a few. The food lady (some call the "Soup Nazi") Jane was wonderful. i actually made friends with one patient. Penny. She reminds me of E. She can listen, not pass judgement, and not try to fix me, just as i can listen to her in the same way. Paul was a blessing. Michael was interesting. Crystal who i hope gets better soon. Ester who needs to find her big voice. Catherine who went to a group home and i hope learns how to share the TV.

Then there are those i am glad to be away from. Cole (who can't learn how to shut up), Christy (who believes the cops are out to get her), Maurine (who makes up being sick at the drop of a hat...she even believed she had something called Tommy Hilfiger disease), and old lady Patricia (doesn't know how to shut up if her life depended on it).

Tomorrow i get discharged. i am scared. i am worried. i am excited. i am nervous. i am ready. i worry about taking back the burden of caring for my son, and experiencing feelings again.