Monday, March 25, 2013

Everyone but me.

I find myself taking care of everyone.

TJ has been going to the hospital about one every two weeks with bad seizures. After, for days,  he is scared it will happen again. So scared that I have to tell him exactly what will happen if it happens again. I even have to go places with him, to calm him. It is tiring.

I also have to care for my Nana, Mom Dad, and Sis. My Nana gets physically sick. My Mom tries to take control of everything, but doesn't feel comfortable with her role as co-guardian. My Dad hides his fear with jokes or getting angry at hospital staff. My Sis tries to take on more than she is physically able. To make sure none of them burn out, I have to make them all feel better, and bury how panicky and stressed I really am.

I don't have time to feel again. Now I am stuffing my feelings with ways that can hurt me. I want to cut again. I am craving BDSM again. I am now going and getting 2 lattes from Starbucks each time I am stressed. I am also craving cake and junk food. Blood sugars are way up. I am not going for walks. I am not taking care of myself like I should.

I feel like I am loosing myself again. I feel like I am headed back to hospital again. I don't know how to change things. No, not true. I know how to change the way I deal with all this stress. I just don't feel like I can or want to.