Monday, December 31, 2007
1) Forget about loosing weight, but concentrate on eating well, and eating 4 times a day. i will eat when my watch alarms, and i will eat the proper amounts of food, and the "right" types of food, so that my body can get used to having regular blood sugars.
2) Keep up on taking my medications on time. i find weekends the hardest, but i am going to work on this.
3) Earning the money to not only become a member of the OCR (Ontario College of Reflexology) but to also become registered with the Reflexology Registration Council of Ontario. This would mean i can work in Toronto and other places that require a reflexologist to be register. They also help with licencing and i get to put 3 more letters beside my name.
4) Earn enough money to by my dream reflexology chair.
5) Be more honest with my therapist, and work hard at getting better. This will include opening myself up more to her, and to myself. It will also mean having to look hard at the future, when there will eventually be no MIT in my life.
Those sound like pretty good goals to me. i also know what goals i wish for the MIT, but i can only point Him in those directions. It is up to Him to set His own goals. It is my job to see He has the skills to accomplish His goals.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
That mixed with the 89% on my written, and i will officially be certified in about 3 weeks when i hear back from the college.
I DID IT!!!!!!!
i took a course. i followed through. i completed it. Plus, i passed. With honours. i am so proud of myself.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Yes i am still having all those nasty thoughts, but i am keeping my word. i talked about it openly with both the doctor and therapist. All of it. The plans, the homicidal and suicidal thoughts. i was confused and scared that i would be punished (having the MIT taken away, and being put in hospital) for doing what i am supposed to do. i am supposed to open up about my feelings. i am suppose to tell the professionals that can help me, when i am feeling that dark. They both concurred that i did the right thing. i am not going to be punished for it. They are keeping me on a short leash, and seeing me often, but are letting me work on feeling what i feel without fear of punishment. They are trusting me at my word. They are trusting that i will keep my promise.
As far as the reflexology goes, i have completed all 70 procedures. i have everything completed in order to take my exam on the 27th. i am excited about this. my Mom has been very helpful in getting her friends to be my clients. i have decided that all those that let me practice on them, and that volunteered for me, will be rewarded once i get my certificate. It is the least i can do to thank them all for being my guinea pigs.
Yule was very quiet. Just me for most of the night. The MIT joining me after He had finished karate. It was a quiet night. my tree and candles lighting the house. Wreathes on both doors. my altar decorated with crystals, candles, pine cones, pieces of my tree in the vase. i didn't do any big thing. Just something quiet for myself. i had french onion soup, home made buns, and some ham and potatoes, carrots, and beans. A nice quiet night where i remembered Mike, and how that would have been the night we exchanged gifts. i even got Him something, and put it in His drawer. i called my friends, and wished them happy Yule. It was nice.
Two more sleeps until Christmas. i have all my shopping done. i have wrapping to do. i will be doing that today. Today i will also be driving my new van down to my Nana's. She hasn't seen it yet. Plus, we are having a trifle day at her house. i don't think the MIT will be happy that i am there, but no biggy. i am there for me, and not for Him. By doing the reflexology on her every week, we have become closer lately. i am really enjoying that. Other than that, i refuse to go anywhere near a store. i am so done with the crowds and stuff. On Monday i will be going to E's place for her open house. The MIT will be coming with me, and i will also get to show off my new van there. The MIT is actually looking forward to it. He is actually excited about Christmas this year. It is nice to see.
Well, that is about it. That is my update. i hope everyone has a happy holiday. i don't know when i will be posting again. Soon, but not too soon. Wish me luck on my exam!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
The bad thoughts are still there. They are not leaving me. The ones about hurting someone else are less. They were more of a way to justify the big black thought of me leaving without guilt, and less to do with hurting another. i still have to talk to the doctor tomorrow. i am worried about going into the hospital, but know that if she says i need to go, i will. i know i can't go on like this. i have promised not to do it between now and Christmas. i made that promise to my Mom, and to my Sister. i will keep that promise. i did not promise to stop thinking about it. Mom understands that. She knows that i am in a very dark place and can't find my way out. She thinks i at least need stronger drugs.
i want to get better. i want to feel joy in the mornings, or even any part of the day. i don't want to dread each day. i want it to be less of a struggle to get moving in a good direction. i want to stop faking that everything is ok.
Tomorrow is the doctor. Tomorrow i explain how dark it really is inside me. Tomorrow i will either come home or will be admitted into the hospital.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Right now it is very dark inside my head. It has been for over a month. i have a plan that doesn't involve me, but will give me the permission i need in my head to follow threw with the plans for me. i told the only person i could, my Mom. i know it is a lot to lay on her, but if i talked to anyone else about it, i would not be at home right now. I would be in the hospital.
Maybe that is where i need to be. Things out here, in the world, aren't making me any better. Those dark thoughts are always with me. They are always there when i go to take my meds. They are there as i engross myself into being a Mom. There are there when i do the dishes, bake cookies, put on a happy face. They are always there. They are getting worse.
After talking to my Mom, i have made a promise for tonight. One that i am finding hard to keep, but i am keeping it. Tomorrow, i see my Mom again, and i know she will ask me to make the same promise again. On Friday i go to the doctor's. i am not going to tell her about the entire plan. That would land me in the hospital for sure, but i will tell her that the dark thoughts are back with a vengeance. If she then wants me to go to the hospital, i think i am ready. The thoughts are so overwhelming, that i am ready to take myself in tonight.
Maybe it is time to go. Maybe it is time to admit i am faking it all. Maybe it is time to admit i can't find anything happy to think about in the mornings to get me out of bed, but a routine. Yeah, maybe it is time to just let go and see if there is something else out there to help me get out of this.
i now really understand why this time of year has the highest suicide rate.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Christmas / Yule is weird for me right now. No tree yet. Don't know when that is going to happen. Daddy is still away and that means no tree cutting for us. It is hard getting into the spirit of the season without a tree. At least most of my shopping is done. i only have to shop for 4 more people and make things for 4 more people. i am proud of that. i usually am a last minute girl. Not this year.
i have been thinking of inviting everyone over here for Yule. i want to. It would be nice to have everyone here. i don't feel like i have enough room. i don't feel like i have the ability to cook for that many people. i know what i would like to cook. i know i would like it to be a nice night of celebration. i know i have to make a decision soon, so i can let everyone know they are invited, and so they don't make other plans. Part of the indecision is thinking they won't come. A silly fear. Still a fear though.
The MIT is having a bit of a weird month. Most days He has a side gone, or is full blown or is asleep before 5:00. i don't know what is going on with Him. It is scary not knowing what is going on with His health. Oh well, just something i get to live with.
The reflexology is going well. i will have enough procedures done by the time of my exam, and i know the whole procedure off by heart. i just have to let go of my security book. No book allowed at the exam. i can run the whole procedure in my head without missing anything. The problem i have is that once i have a pair of feet in front of me, i blank out a bit. Time to start getting over that.
Other than that, all is well. Baking has been started, and will continue. Soon i will decorate the MIT's wheelchair if i don't get a tree. Not really, but darn it, i want my tree. Time for bed.
Thursday, December 06, 2007
To some, getting a new vehicle isn't that big a deal. To the MIT, it is a huge change. So huge that I am keeping Him out of school, so we can say goodbye to the old (but still drivable, but just barely) van, and great the new van. The MIT even wants to say a prayer for the old van when we take it to the junk yard. He can be so sweet.
So, today we drive the old van to the wrecker's and then my Mom is driving us out to get the new van. I am so excited. (pictures to come)
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
My sister has been doing better. She hasn't gotten into any trouble since my parents have gotten home. Then again, when you work nights, you don't really have a chance at a life. I am just proud of the fact that she has kept this job and is doing it.
With it being Christmas/Yule time, i am finding myself getting anxious again. Panic attacks rear their ugly heads when i think about going out to buy presents, or hit a busy mall. Not my idea of fun at all. My Sis came up with the perfect gift for Mike. So did i. That is still hard. Thinking of Him like He is still here. In the back of my head i keep thinking i am forgetting someone that i am supposed to have on my list.
At least the snow has arrived, and looks like it will be staying. I really hate not having a white Christmas. It also looks like Saturday the family will be going to get our trees. Hopefully by then i will have my new van. Last i heard, i was supposed to get it today. Guess i will wait and see.
Oh, and E, if you are reading this, my dream didn't come true LOL
Sunday, December 02, 2007
I have been a good girl this year. I have continued with my reflexology. I have taken time for myself. I have enjoyed my time with the MIT. I have kept seeing my therapist. Yes i have a few things to work on, like being there for my friends, and leaving the house more often. Over all, I think I have had a good year.
For Christmas I would like:
- gift certificate from White Flame Company (candles, candles and more candles)
- gift certificate from Chapters (books, books, and more books)
- living room blinds (not going to happen
- pj's, pj's and more pj's
- my dream lafuma chair (not going to happen)
- new coffee table
- my friends to not struggle so much
- for everyone to learn how to mosey and enjoy it
I found Mike's stocking again. I also found a pair of His gloves. I had a few moments of sadness and longing, but it didn't stop me dead in my tracks, or prove to be debilitating. I hugged His stocking, and put it in my room. I will either find some place special to put it, or it will go in His drawer. I then spent the rest of the evening surrounded by lit candles and a fiery glow over the entire living room. I am so in love with my candles right now. I have at least one lit when ever I am home and awake.
Today I pick the MIT up from respite care at 12. He then goes with my sister to her work party. After that, it will be a nice evening home with Him and I doing as little as possible. He will complain about the decorations, that is part of who He is, but it is also part of our tradition. Next weekend is probably tree cutting day. That is always fun. We are going back to the same place as last year, and the year before that. I hope I don't get as weepy as last year.
Over the next few weeks, I will be working on getting presents done for my biological family, and my chosen family. I will also be concentrating on getting the last 20 procedures done for my reflexology (my final exam is on the 27th). It is going to be a busy month, but I am up for it.
It is a much cheerier year than last year.
Monday, November 19, 2007
So the title of this little entry is "not liking to do stuff". That is where i am. i am not liking the stuff i have to do.
i have to get my son, my wonderful son, declared incompitent. Yes, i have to have a doctor, or set of doctors (we aren't sure which yet) to say that my son can not make decissions on His own. See the trouble is, He can and He can't.
He can, because He knows what He likes, what He doesn't like. He can't because those choices aren't always in His best interest. Take His heart monitor. He really hates it. He wants to be off it. He knows that He could die if He doesn't wear it, and it doesn't allert me. He just knows that He doesn't like it, so He doesn't want it.
He can't read and understand a contract. In just over 4 months, He would legally be allowed to sign contracts. He isn't capable. i hate saying it, but it is the reality. He can hardly read the contract, never mind understanding what it is saying, or what the consequences of signing a contract can be.
He doesn't understand money. He knows you have to pay for stuff, but He doesn't know how much change He should get back after giving a cashier a $5 for a $1.50 purchase. Heck, He doesn't even know how many dimes are in a dollar. He can tell you who's face is on each bill, but He can't tell you what it is worth.
So yeah. i get to have my son declared incompitent. It feels like i am giving up on Him. That i don't expect Him to reach any goals. It feels like i am taking all His choices away from Him. It feels like i lettign Him down. It feels like i am giving up on Him. That is the crux of it all. It feels like i am giving up on Him.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tonight we were supposed to go to Toronto to celebrate Samhain and Halloween. The MIT is still off, and with this being His first day back at school, i don't think either He or i could handle going out of town. He is already feeling anxious with the idea of going back to school, and i don't want to add in more anxiety for Him. Instead, He and i will be handing out candy to any kids that come to our door.
i need to figure out what i am going to dress as. i am thinking little red riding hood, with a twist. i haven't worn that outfit in a long time, and i think i want to again. On top of that, i want to do a Samhain ritual. i need to set up my alter, and get some apples to bury, and some sage to cleanse the house, and some pictures of Mike and Papa for the alter.
Well, that is all for today. After the MIT leaves for school, i am going to lie down in bed, and then head to the store for candy, apples, and other things for my alter, and the day.
Happy Halloween, and happy Samhain everyone
Monday, October 22, 2007
Last week was rough. i couldn't leave the house. i would have a shower. i would get dressed. i would have a list of things to get done. Then i would start to hyperventilate. my chest would get tight. i would start to shake. i just couldn't leave the house. i was feeling so much. Missing the MIT, my Mom and my Dad. Missing Mike, and talking to Him. Feeling sad, and hurt, and missing, and crying. i just couldn't leave.
It got all better, when i was able to IM with my Dad. Finally i had actual contact with them. They had been traveling across Australia. They had been staying in hotels. They didn't leave me which hotels they were in, or even which town they were in. That was the worst. Finally on Saturday, they were back in Sydney. They weren't out and about. They were back at Kay's. Everything was better then. i could call them if there was a problem. i knew where they were. They weren't in some hotel room, with no way for me to call and check on them. Everything was better then.
So, i am better now, and waiting for them all to return home to me. i can't wait to hug them, to cuddle with my MIT, to actually touch them.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
My Sis has been doing better. What i mean is i haven't caught her in any lies since the last set. She has also agreed to come to therapy with me tomorrow. That is a good sign. Right?
What have i been doing? Not much. i haven't travelled anywhere. i haven't gone on any adventures. i have walked in two different woods, looking for acorns and willows. i found a cool stick, and may make something out of it. i did finish another ceramic project just for Halloween. i like it. It is my "Spooky bowl". Pictures will be at the end of this entry. i got a post card from the MIT. It tells me that He isn't missing me. i love Him, but sometimes it would be nice to just hear (or read) that He misses me a little.
Today i had a massage (1/2 hour). my reflexology teacher is a massage therapist. She worked on the area of my back that seems to be spasming. It hurt while she was working on it, but i regained some of my range of motion. Yesterday, when i did 2 reflexology session, i had to take a muscle relaxant so i could do the procedures. She also gave me some stretches to do, to help keep and expand my range of motion.
The other exciting thing that happened today, is that my dryer broke. Stopped dead. Won't run at all. It is 10 years old. i emailed Mom and Dad, and i am going with my Nana to get a new one. We are doing that tomorrow morning.
This coming week, i have stuff i want to do. i want to go to St. Jacob's village and wander around. i need it to be good weather, and not rain. i also want to go for a walk on the beach. That would be something nice to do. Tonight, i am just going to watch my favourite shows and then head off to bed early.
Friday, October 05, 2007
my Sis. Well, she was given an ultimatum by my parents. One more secret, one more lie, and she would no longer be living in their house. She was supposed to be keeping a detailed account of what she spent and where it went. Well, guess what. There was one more, and i had to find it. She actually thought she could "fix" things while my parents were away. She has been driving without insurance since the 15th of Sept. This ultimatum was given at the end of Sept. It should have come out back then. She kept it secret. She was sure she could "fix it before they got back". She also got a "pay as you go" credit card from Much. Another secret. Another one of those "it would be gone before they got back" situations. So i found out. The i searched her room. She gave me reason. She told another lie. She deserved no privacy. Good thing i did it. Turns out, she had a roach in her room. In my parent's house. Plus i found one of her journals. Yes, i read it. She lied to ME. To MY face. She had continued to carry and sell stuff after she promised me she would stop. The promise she made back in June. The stuff she was doing was in July.
i confronted her first. She came out with the same old stuff. i wanted her out of the house right then. i wanted her to figure out she was fucked. i called my parents. i didn't know what else to do. They are letting her stay in the house until they get home. Then she is out of the house. my punishment is different. i am done. i am finished with her. i can't trust her for anything anymore. i no longer trust her with the MIT. She no longer gets to see the MIT. That is the end of that. No more looking after Him. No more talking to Him. No more anything to do with Him. my contact with her is now limited to me going to the house and checking the mail. No more talking to her. No more after that. i am done.
As for my adventures, well, i went to St. Catherine's to get the selenite candle holder i had put on one side at Pagan Pride. i then decided to take the back roads home. i got lost a bit, but found i recognized stuff in the area, and made it home ok. i also went to ceramics class, and finished 2 projects. One is here. He is Green Man. i painted Him all by myself. i did it differently than anyone thought i should, and He turned out great. i am proud of Him. He is now hanging in my living room, where the picture of the MIT and Mike Myers was hanging. He looks good where He is. i'll hang the picture in a different place.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Yesterday i did exactly what i said i would. i read all day. i relaxed in the house and outside, wearing my sarong. i only answered the phone if it was long distance or family. i ended up reading the entire Deathly Hallows book. It was really good. i cried at spots where Harry reminded me of me. Pushing away his grief to do what he had to do. i cried at Hagrid's reaction to carrying Harry to the school. It was a great book. i am sad it is the last of the series.
Today is an easy day. i am going to go with the whole moseying idea from camp. Today is a visit to the doctor's. Today is going to Chapters and Michaels and other places to just wander. Today is getting groceries finally. Today i also have a reflexology session lined up. Someone new, and here at my place. i have decided to move where i do the sessions, since the wheelchair is away in the MIT's room.
Well, that is that. i don't know if i will be posting every day or not. i'm just going to go with the flow of things. Until next time.....
Update : well, my client for tonight cancelled. i didn't go get groceries. i did get 4 new books. i think that is what i am going to do tonight. Read and relax, and go to bed early and sleep in late tomorrow. i wish it was sunny out.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Today i plan on doing nothing. No driving. No cooking. No cleaning. No talking on the phone. All i am going to do is read, sit on my back patio, listen to music, maybe watch some TV. Other than that, nothing. Even computer stuff is being put on hold (once i am done posting). i have the last Harry Potter book to read. i have stayed away from spoilers as much as possible. i am going to enjoy reading it. i am not even planning on getting that dressed. i have a sarong on. i am loving it. Oh, and it fits better than when it was bought for me last year.
Tomorrow will be other stuff. Going to the doctor's. Going to Chapters. Going to Michael's. Getting groceries. Basically running around. Wednesday will be getting back to doing my ceramics class. i have 3 projects on the go, and one to start. Thursday may be chili cooking day. That or stew day. i haven't decided yet. i will decide tomorrow when i am getting groceries for the week.
Other stuff i am going to be doing differently this month is walking more, taking the bus more, eating healthier, sleeping in, taking drives to enjoy the outside. Stuff like that. Stuff where i don't have to worry about what time i get home, or if i am on call for the MIT.
Well, time to go and read and relax.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Over the last little while, i have been getting back to being a solitary practitioner. i had moved away from it a bit. In May, on the anniversary of Mike's death, i did do a ritual, but since then, i really haven't been furthering practicing my beliefs. Lately, i have slowly been getting back to it. i have been making sure to stand outside in the sun in the morning. i have been basking in the glow of the moon (even when i can't see it). i have set up a little meditation space. i even stood outside last night, in the rain, naked, and felt my worries wash off me, as the cool wind and warm rain rolled over my skin. It feels right getting back into practicing. It feels right doing the little things to celebrate the earth around me. i am finding strength in it.
Today is my Mid-term exam and i am exhausted. Time to head back to bed for a nap, so i am fully able to function at 11:30. Wake-up at 10:30, get a shower and prepare my bag and files. i am not worried about the exam. Making mistakes, and being shown how to fix them is the purpose of this "exam".
And right now, today, everything feels right.
Monday, September 24, 2007
i had thought of going away for a few days. Just booking a room or cabin and going to a place away from my house. i just can't afford that. So, i have come up with some other ideas.
- visit St Jacobs for the day (allow money for meals)
- visit St. Catherine's for the day (allow money for meals)
- visit Ikea and buy at least one toybox
- buy windchimes, clay
- go to Ceramics each week
- book and do foot procedures (want to do at least 15)
- make chili, stew, BBQ, pork roast
- visit Oakville for the day
- visit Meadowlands for the day (allow money for meals)
- go to the movies
- watch movies
That is all i have right now. i am sure to come up with more ideas during the month. i just know it would have been nice to go someplace. Out in the woods. Listen to a stream. Walk in the sun. Walk in the moonlight. Get back a part of myself i feel has been missing. Then again, this is cheaper, and that means i can do more, and still do stuff that i like. Plus, my back patio can be my woods if i want it. So can any park near here. This will work.
Yes i am still scared about how the MIT will do on the trip. That is why i am keeping Him home from school for a couple days. Thursday we are going to spend some time together before heading to Toronto for Him to get His hair redone. His roots are showing. Friday is the day we are going to figure out what He is taking with Him. i would like to take Him out to dinner or something, but He wants to stick to His schedule on Friday, which includes karate.
Gods i am going to miss Him. Yes i am going to enjoy my time alone, but i am going to really miss Him. my days revolve around Him so much. i guess it is good practice for when He is gone.
Anyways, Wednesday i take my Mid-term practical test for reflexology. i am not nervous about that at all. i am actually looking forward to it. i know i will do well. i get to use my cheat book. i know my files are done well. i can't think of anything that could go wrong.
Ok, that is as much as i can concentrate on. Time to finish watching Journey Man.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Other than that, life kind of sucks. Nothing exciting is going on. No plans made for my month off. Can't afford anything. i will probubly be stuck at home, by myself, alone. There isn't even anything really going on that month. Nothing i would like to go to. Sure there will be Octoberfest with my friends, but that is about it.
Anyways, that is enough of my venting, as much as it is.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
This week is weird. i have nothing scheduled. It is like a week off for me. It is what the first week of school should have been like, but wasn't. The MIT hasn't argued with me about going to school yet. We still have last year's schedule. Sure it is a struggle to get up at 5:30 in the morning, but the half hour by myself, and then the half hour playing with the MIT and trying to get Him out of bed is worth it. It is nice i still have a cuddler. Every morning between 6 and 6:30 is spent cuddling with Him in bed, poking at Him and trying to get Him moving. It is a very special time for us.
It was hard explaining to the resource teacher about the MIT's prognosis. i had to do the same with the people at karate. The instructors at karate have really seen how much the MIT is loosing. They see that He has less balance, that He is requiring more help with one side gone, and that even though He is progressing socially and maturing, He is loosing skills He used to have. i am still grasping with His prognosis. The idea that He has reached His peak physically, and is falling backwards so quickly.
On Friday, Sandy and i talked about how i feel guilty that i no longer think about Mike each day. That there are more days in a row where i just don't talk to Him, or mention Him, or even think about how my life is different without Him. There are more and more days like that. The guilt is because part of me feels like i should be missing Him more. Then comes the feeling of loss. The feeling like i am missing feeling the grieving process. It is like i am missing feeling so bad. Weird. We are going to talk more about that soon. Apparently we are going to talk about my alcohol usage next visit. LOL. Drinking more than i normally do, 2 times a year, and we need to talk about it. That should be interesting.
Well, today is going to be another quiet day. Friday the MIT goes to Rygel again. Yes i will have 2 nights off again this weekend. Then 2 weekends after that, the MIT will be leaving for Australia. i have already made some plans. One of which is to visit where Mike is buried. i wonder how that will feel. i am going to take a picture of the MIT and i with me to put at His grave site. i need to do that for sure.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Today is getting the house in order. Today is making sure the MIT has all He needs for school. Today is finishing up from camp. Today is the day i will put a chair back in my van. Today is just getting things organized so i can actually make it tomorrow morning.
i also have some stuff to get done as far as a friend's wedding. i have the ring bearer's pillow to finish. i have to get some things to S to finish off another thing. i have to call about the "new" van. (i would really like to have it once the parents and MIT leave for Australia.) i have to make sure i hear from the insurance company again so the MIT has an iPod for His trip. That is about it this week. Sure i would like to get a nice dress for the wedding, but i can't afford that. i would love to get new shoes for it also. Other than that, i am good.
Therapy on Friday was eye opening. i actually admitted to how scared i am about the MIT dying. i talked about all the changes i have seen with Him. The growing of the type of seizure He is having. The need for an MRI. (He had the MRI last night.) i admitted that although i need the break, i am scared to send Him to Rygiel House. (yes i did send Him, and yes it went well, but still) i seem to be very scared right now. Scared of everything. Stressed by everything. i admitted to not being on edge. That the sound of people's voices are irritating. The sound of Sandy's computer was driving me mad. The noise outside her door was intolerable. It was nice to admit it all. i had hidden it down inside me so far, that i was ignoring how i was feeling again. Time to deal with it as it comes to me. Time to ride out the waves again.
Other than all that, Friday made me feel much better. i let it all out, and am still thinking about it, but it isn't driving me absolutely nuts. i am guessing part of that is the fact that i actually had two nights of no beeping, no complaining about what should be on TV. No arguing about bed times. It was a nice, secluded weekend. i needed it.
Now that school will be back in session, i can schedule reflexology treatments during the school day. That will be nice. i also have a couple of projects to complete at ceramics. i am excited and nervous about October. And i have dishes that need doing as i type. Off i go then.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Yesterday i went out and got the MIT's back to school stuff. Finally. He didn't go with me because, again, He was full blown. This summer has been full of full blown days. my body is shouting at me because of lifting Him and giving Him support. At least school is soon. my body can recover a bit. i am worried about Him getting worse and worse and the school not being able to handle it. i am worried about being called in more and more, to bring Him home. Even the chance of Him having to go to the hospital has increased. i guess it is a wait and see time for me.
my Sis and i talked yesterday about what we are going to do while Mom, Dad and MIT are away. We are planning on a short road trip to the states. Do some shopping there. Maybe stay a night there. It is weird we have gotten so close. i admitted to her that i don't trust her right now. All the shit that has happened has left me feeling like i really don't know her. i admitted to her that my first thought was that it was her that took all of the MIT's and my stuff, and there wasn't really a break-in. i still can't say for sure that i don't think she did it. i just keep telling myself that she wouldn't have hurt the MIT that way.
Today i am taking the MIT to get His hair bleached blond. Yes i am giving in. Yes i swore to myself i wouldn't let Him do it until He was 16, but He deserves it. He puts up with a lot from me, and i know He really wants it done. We are going to L's today so She can do it. i trust Her. She will make sure it works good. He is really stoked about it. He is stoked about starting school as a blond. He is even stoked about the wedding.
i am stoked about school starting again.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
S/mer camp. Went well. We all moseyed. It was a calm camp where we carried the "it is our last one, and if you don't like it, don't come back" attitude. It was cold at night, so play was limited. With it being so relaxed, i had more time to think. my head was full of "why isn't He here?" and "i miss Him so much". Other than that, it was good.
The call. Sunday night i had a message on my cell from my sister to call ASAP. It turned out to be that my house had been broken into again. 2nd time in 7 years. This time they mainly took little things. Mainly the MIT's things. His iPod, His portable DVD player, His Xbox, His PS2, and all His games. The only stuff of mine was my change jar money, my American money, and a carton of my smokes. Even now i am noticing more stuff missing. MIT's Harry Potter computer game is gone. i just noticed that it is gone. Great. Something else. The MIT was so mad when He, my Dad and Sis found that stuff was missing, He broke a chair. He is still so angry and scared. He hasn't slept in His own bed since.
The MIT's trip to the hospital. This happened Thursday. Thursday morning the MIT and i were watching TV and the next thing i know, He is passed out on my lap. i got Him to my room, and after a while, he vomited while still unconscious. It continued for 5 hours before i called the ambulance. He was fine by the time we got to the hospital, but they kept Him over night anyways. He wasn't discharged until Friday evening. He is fine. He is back to normal. The doctors have asked that i bring Him in sooner next time. They are worried about it being a new type of seizure, or pressure in the brain, or even a bleed. Scary stuff.
Alarm Force. We had it installed yesterday. It is already making me feel better. i can arm it, and disarm it. i was even able to leave the house yesterday without anyone being here.
Me. i am stressed out. i am tired. i am on the edge of loosing it. Yes i can show off the "easy" side of myself. It is taking a lot of meds to do it though. i am short on money, and have a lot of bills i have to catch up on. i am flighty. my brain is all over the place. i don't feel settled. i can't wait for school to start. i can't wait to be able to sleep more than 14 hours a week. Most of all, i can't wait until the MIT leaves for Australia. A full month vacation for me.
i so want to go away during that month. Go to a hotel and soak in a hot tub. Go to a different province and look around. Go anywhere but here. Actually take a vacation. God that would be so nice. Hell, i have a month. i should be able to do something during that time. Too bad i can't. It sucks.
Time to get ready to go to my parent's place and celebrate my Sis's birthday.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
i know i get like this. All but last year i had Mike here to center me. i need my hair pulled. i need pain i don't inflict on myself to settle me. i need someone to stand next to me and direct me to do what it is i need to do. i know i can do it. i did it last year. All on my own i did it last year. Why is this year so hard?
i don't have much time left until everyone shows up to load the van. i need to go to 2 stores before they come here. That of course includes getting the MIT fed and dressed and myself showered and dressed before we go. This will work out.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Therapy was rough. At least i didn't just vent about every day stuff. i confessed my cutting. i talked about how this year seems so much harder than last year. At least last year, i was in a fog. Living on the thought that i would wake-up at any moment, and all would be back to normal. This year i can't pretend. i have been learning to feel what i feel when i feel it. i have been learning to accept what life now has to offer me. This year sucks. This year i am totally aware that Mike is gone. This year i am figuring out how to live without Him. i had thought that this year would be easier than last. i am finding it to be harder. Sandy says it is normal. She says that after trying to bury all my feelings, i am going to feel more overwhelmed by letting them all out.
On top of that i confessed my stress about the MIT. i confessed how much summer sucks. i confessed how during the school year, i hear that i am lucky my parent's take my son every Saturday for a sleep over. i confessed that it bothers me so much because in the summer, i get only the Saturday night, and don't get a week off here or there. i am with Him almost 24/7. i confessed the thoughts have returned, hoping He won't wake-up in the morning. i confessed how much i love Him, but that i want a real break from Him. God i can't for October.
i am feeling really tired. Totally stressed out. Nearing the end of my rope. Sandy wondered why i would put myself through all the stress of Camp. It was hard to explain but finally i realized, that by the end of camp, i am a much happier person. i feel free at camp. Free to be who i am, if i chose to. Free to get all "powerful" if i need to. Free to just be a grownup with a great bunch of grownups that i am proud to call my friends (ok, sometimes i even call them family).
Time to try to settle my brain. i am hoping this helped. i need to at least nap between beeps.
Friday, August 10, 2007
i have been having panic attacks. Yes it finally broke threw. It overwhelmed me. The first one was intense. i couldn't even write in my journal. i wanted out of it so bad. The meds wouldn't work. They didn't calm me at all. i ended up cutting. It broke the attack. It made me feel better. The next day, it happened again. Two times. i didn't cut this time. On the advice of P&E i went to my ceramics class. It helped. i am glad i called and asked their advice. Ceramics is quite calming, especially when you know that you don't have to interact with anyone else, and that any mistakes i make, i can correct.
i have been thinking a lot about Mike, and how much i miss Him. i have also been thinking about the good times, and that brings smiles to my face. Thinking about Him this year, is different than last year. Last year, i was going through the motions. i was waking up, doing what i had to, trying not to think. Pushing myself to accept that He is dead. This year, i am more aware of everything. i am aware of feeling sad, of feeling happy. i am aware when i talk about Him, or think about Him. i am past being angry at His stupidity. i am more sad that He felt He needed to lie so much. Sad that He couldn't even admit things to Himself. Other than that sadness, i am enjoying the happy memories. Yes, sometimes they make me cry. Yes i still wish He was here. i am getting better at letting my emotions come out as they need to. i guess that is a good sign in my development.
A week from today i will be waking up at camp. i am split on how i feel about it. Split on wanting to go, and not wanting to go. Wavering between thinking it will be enjoyable, and thinking it will be like dragging my feet in the mud. i am definitely prepared to get drunk again. i am really looking forward to that. i am going to be the booze center. i am taking Bailey's, Rum, Peach schnapps, and Goldshlager. i am responsible for bringing the stove, and transporting all the equipment this year. i am going to be making tacos for my communal meal. No sandwiches, no meat plate. Something warm and easy and likely to please. i am glad i thought about it.
i am really glad this is the last one we will be hosting. The decision has been made that the people that own the camp ground, will be continuing with the tradition, and they want us to manage the play parties. That takes me back to the very first time the original group of us went to the camp grounds to stake it out. We ran the play party then. It was a great time. i like the idea that we aren't going to have all the responsibilities. No worrying about food. No worrying about registration. It will end up being a nice break, and a nice place to go and enjoy. i can see communal meals with us again, and again.
Well, sounds like the MIT is finally up. i was actually sitting here for the last hour and a half wishing He wouldn't. Yeah, that is how down i am right now. Instead, He is up, and will be wanting food soon. The new med His is on has stopped the seizures. He has been having more episodes of one side or the other gone. No real "full blown" episodes. Even on days when both sides are working, His balance is way off. i am not seeing my strong MIT as much anymore. i am seeing the MIT that is loosing mile stones, and balance, and is physically deteriorating. Great.
Well, i guess that is all. i have other news, but am not ready to share it out loud. i am scared it won't happen, and things fall through, and i am left feeling worse.
Time to cook the MIT breakfast. Hopefully it isn't going to be french toast again (He has had that on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday). At least He gets a smoothie every morning. It is nice to not have to worry about Him actually getting fruits every day. Time to stop droning on and on.
Have a great day all.
Friday, August 03, 2007
No more trees. The beautiful willow trees are gone. all that are left are the trunks. It was sad last weekend, watching the untrained men cutting these down. i yelled across the fence that i want some of the pieces from the trees. Hopefully i can get those.
Also, i finished one of my projects at ceramics. Here is my ugly troll guy
He is an incense holder. i think he is mighty cute. i am proud of the job i did. i am currently working on 3 other projects. This troll guy was done in acrylics. i am starting to work with under glazes. i soon want to work with glazes.
i got my mark from my reflexology written exam. i needed a 70% to pass. i got an 89%.
Monday, July 30, 2007
The countdown is for camp. There is 18 days until the start of camp. That doesn't mean i have 18 days until i have to be there though. The org usually goes up the night before and leaves a day later. i don't know if i can actually go up there like usual. my Mom is not cooperating. LOL. Yes it all depends on her. Then again, i can hope that my sister doesn't find a job between now and then, and she can take care of the MIT during the times i need. That would be best case senario.
This will be the second camp without Mike, and the last camp we run. It is a big loss. i am still grieving Mike, and now i get to grieve something we all built together. No, i don't have the drive to actually do more. Hell, i don't know if i have the drive to survive this one. Another one, is just not something i am looking forward to. Going to someone else's event is hard. It is like trying to replace the perfect pair of pants with something new, and having to work them in. i don't like working another event in. Hell, we don't get to work another event in. We just get to go, and bitch about how we would like it if we did it. Then again, we are good at that. Both at bitching and creating something we would enjoy. i just wish we didn't have to work so hard to do it. my dream event would be one that we organized, and found people to actually do. We would "hire" those who would fulfill our dream, and we could sit back and let it happen. Then again, we are a bunch of control freaks, so it probubly wouldn't work that way anyways.
Confusion. Let's see. i am lonely. i want sex. i don't want to be in a relationship, or expected to have sex, but i would like to actually be taken out on dates. i am not ready to open myself up to anyone, but i would like to be taken out. Wined and dined. Shown off and shown a good time. Then again, i don't want to go out. i want to stay safe. i want to stay in my own "bubble" and just be. i guess the big question is, what do i want more? Do i want sex? Do i want my bubble? Do i want to go out? Do i want to stay home? i am not sure yet. Since i don't know, it isn't time to put myself out there. When i know it, i will take the dive. Just not yet.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
i have been reading a few journals lately. The talk seems to be centered around collars. i used to have a collar. It was a charm Mike gave me at the club we were working on for the DSSG. It was a fake padlock charm. The chain it was on changed 2 times. It never left my neck. i have pictures of me and Mike together, with it on my neck. i have pictures of it on me with my son. i have pictures of it on me naked. It meant the world to me. i wore it almost continually for 6 1/2 years. It came off 2 times. Once in 2005 after Mike's surgery, and once more in February of 2006. i never wore it again. It is still gone to this day. After Mike died, i never got it back. Mike's wife couldn't find it in His apartment. It wasn't in His wallet where He had put it. i still wear the chain it was last on. i wear it on my ankle. i haven't taken it off since His death.
i miss the feel of it around my neck, even now. i find myself searching for the comfort of it. i run my hands around my neck looking for it, without even thinking. Who knew a piece of jewelry could mean so much.
i guess it is the same as someone who was married and their partner dies. They still have the wedding ring. They still play with it. They hold on to it. They twist it for comfort. It is a feeling of still being a part of something bigger than themselves. That is how i think of it anyway. That the bond between Mike and i is still there, and that silly piece of jewelry is a way of holding on to Him.
i still miss Him. It is getting easier. i don't think of Him as often. At the same time, He is always in my thoughts. i guess i am getting used to Him not being around. i hate that. i feel like i should still be dressed in black (not that i ever really was) and wailing about missing Him. i get so lonely without Him sometimes. i get so lonely without that silly piece of jewelry around my neck.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
i completed my reflexology written exam. i don't know how well i did, and i won't find out until the college mails me the results. i am not really worried about it. i am more than excited that i have completed it, and the only one in my class to do so. i am still working on doing my practicum, but it is hard with the MIT being around all the time. i have to book appointments when He isn't around, or when i have time off from Him. It will get done. i am committed to this.
Tomorrow i am starting ceramics class. It is something i have been wanting to do for a while, and it is a way for me to take care of me. It gets me out of the house, and doing something artistic. It is also cheap. i would rather be taking a pottery course, but it is too expensive. Instead i am doing this. i will be painting, fireing, glazing, and working creativly. It also means i know what everyone is getting for Christmas/Yule. LOL.
Emotionally, i am dealing. Since i am only seeing my therapist every second week now, i have to deal. i have to let my emotions out and let them go. Every night i seem to be going out to my back patio and talking to the sky, Mike, whatever-you-want-to-call-the -higher-power, or even myself. Sometimes i cry. Sometimes i laugh. Sometimes i just vent out my frustrations with life. Any way you look at it, i am having to deal with emotions as they come up. i can't just save it all up for a Friday. It gets to hard to do that.
i guess i am content. Well, today i am. Actually, right now i am. The MIT goes to karate in just over an hour. After that, i can do "me" stuff, and make myself a healthy dinner. Once the MIT comes back home, we will have some quiet time. He has an early bedtime tonight. Once He is in bed, i get to sit out back and relax. A nice day today.
Friday, June 22, 2007
i have made a good breakfast for the MIT each morning, and have made Him dinner on nights when it is my responsibility. i cleaned out the MIT's room, and it suits Him so much better now. No "baby" toys. Mostly books and a clean floor. i did leave the shelf of stuffed things but that was more for me than for Him. i cleaned out the hallway closet. i have kept up on dishes every day. i have cleaned my room. i have cleaned the living room. i think i am at a point with the housework where i can just do little things to maintain it all summer.
i have also gotten the MIT out of the house at least once every day this week. He isn't really playing with anyone, but He is going out and getting fresh air. i am making plans on getting us to do some walking so that His butt doesn't grow to much this summer. Well, also my butt.
my contacting and interacting with friends isn't going so well. Heck, i am hardly on the computer much right now. i am also doing more listening to music, rather than watch TV. Mainly i am studying for my exam next week. i know that is an excuse. i could be putting myself out more, by calling and emailing, and talking to my friends. i just can't find a way to make myself do it right now. i still love them all, i am just not able to pull myself out of my head right now.
It is therapy day again today. i know we will be talking about how i am neglecting relationships right now. i know we will be talking about the fact that i may be avoiding my feelings with all the cleaning. That is how Sandy works. That is how i work. It is also a problem, as far as i am concerned. i know, if it is that much of a problem, why don't i do something about it. The fact is, i just don't know right now. i just don't understand it. i just can't find that place inside myself right now. i need to find it again. i am just way to lonely right now. i know it is all my doing. i just don't know how to get past it.
i feel like i am letting everyone down. i feel like i am no longer worth it. i feel like i am so lost. i feel stuck. Just so very stuck.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Summer vacation last year, was a blur. This year, i am actually awake and aware that what i choose to do, will have an effect on the MIT. Last year i didn't care at all about anything. Hell, i didn't care if i woke up or if i died, or if the MIT died. This year is different. i feel the need to be a mom to the MIT this year. Make a point of doing stuff with Him. Make a point of keeping us both active. So i have come up with some plans to accomplish this.
First thing is to get the house in total order, so that the rest of the summer is just maintenance cleaning. Part of this means cleaning out a whole bunch of stuff. The MIT's toys, the MIT's books, my closet, the hallway closet, the bathroom, and the kitchen. i am now making a list of major stuff to do, and which days i will do them on. Once that is all accomplished, i can work on the maintenance schedule.
i have already started on the major cleaning projects. i washed the kitchen floor on my hands and knees, cleaned out the pantry floor, and cleaned out my cleaning supply cupboard. i am about to clean the top shelf of my pantry, and then the shelf of my hallway closet. It is a good start of feeling like i have some control this summer. Once this part gets done, i am hoping to feel better.
The way the MIT will be dealing with this first week, is to be sitting in front of the TV and flipping channels. That makes Him feel better.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
my Sis, has fucked up big time. This includes things like lying to me, our parents, our Nana, my son, and her friends. On top of that, i have tried to help. By helping her, and her lying, i am now over due on some bills, have no money for gas, and can't go to my Mom for help because it will just get Sis in more trouble. Add to that, the feeling that i could have stopped the downward spiral and you have a recipe for me feeling guilty and angry and disappointed.
So i turn into myself. Unable to bring myself to talk to anyone. Unable to bring myself to open to anyone. Turning into myself then brings about feelings regarding the MIT. Watching Him loose little milestones, watching Him struggle with wanting to go outside (but not knowing how to play with younger kids, and not knowing how to really interact with older kids), watching Him loose muscle tone when He wants to do stuff. Turning into myself more brings about remember things with Mike. Yesterday was His anniversary with B. i wonder what she was thinking about. i wonder if she went to the cemetery. i wonder if she cried, like i do all the time.
i feel so helpless right now. Not able to fix things for my son. Not able to fix things for my younger sister. Not able to fix things for myself. i don't like that i can't fix anything. So then i get to the point where i can't fix me. i can't bring myself to climb out of my own head. i have to do something to fix at least myself. i have to find a way to do that.
So, today i am going to call my friends. i am going to re-connect with them all. i am going to pull myself out of my own ass, as much as possible. Especially since the MIT only has 3 more days of school after today. i have to find myself again. The vibrant me. The me that can be around other people. The me i seem to have lost the last month or so.
Monday, June 04, 2007
The day of the fire, a group of 3 Moms decided that the survey should hold a BBQ to raise funds for the family that lost everything. They asked me for my help. Man did i end up helping. Thursday and Friday was spent doing things no one else wanted.
i got permission from Victoria Park to hold the BBQ
i got food donations, and raffle prize donations from 21 businesses
i got a cash donation from 1 business
i got ice donated from 1 business
i did running around, and picked-up a number of the raffle prizes and food donations.
i got a float for the two main areas
i thought up 2 activity areas (sprinklers, and Lego fun)
i was asked many times "what should I do now Wendy?"
All that was before the event. Mostly on Thursday and Friday. Even on the Saturday (the day of the event) i was asked what people should do, how to set stuff up, how to make donation boxes, how to handle the money. Sometimes they listened to my ideas, sometimes they didn't. It really didn't matter. This was a community thing.
Saturday, once the event started, i was in charge of the money (making sure everyone had enough change, and making sure the cash boxes didn't have to much cash in them at one time), the first aide station (thanks Mike, you trained me well), the sprinkler area, and the Lego area. i also took lots of pictures. It was fun. After we shut everything down, i, and 3 other people, counted the money. i made sure every envelope was signed on the seal and had the amount that was in it, and the denomination amount on it. To say the event was a success is an understatement. We raised almost $2000, not including actual donations of stuff.
Who knew i could do this? Who knew i am good at organizing a fundraiser, including getting all the supplies for free? i didn't. Sure i have some experience because of DSSG, and the running of S/mer camp, but really, being able to call places and ask for donations? Being able to ask and get stuff was the toughest job. It meant putting myself (and the event) out there to be told "no". i hate doing that. But really, i never thought i would be good at it. When i first started making the calls, it was because no one else would do it. By the end, it was because i was enjoying doing it. (ok, yes i complained while doing it, but it was still fun to hear people say yes).
Today i get to take the money to the bank. i get to take back some stuff to a couple businesses that they donated to use for the day. i get to print out cards/thank you letters to all the businesses that helped us achieve such a successful event. i will probably end up dropping them all off on Wednesday.
And about the reflexology, i put it on hold during this time. i did, right after the event, send out apologies to everyone i hadn't gotten back to. i even did a treatment on someone on Sunday. i have a treatment booked for tomorrow, and 3 booked for Wednesday. i do have one booked for today, but the MIT is sick and in bed, and i am going to have to cancel that.
So, wow. What a weekend. i didn't know i had it in me.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
The news that relates to me, is that my anxiety level has increased to the point of almost paranoia. i have been unplugging everything except when i am using it. i am scared about my house burning up when i am not here. i am scared of going to sleep without someone else here (my sister slept over last night). i even put a call in to Sandy (my therapist) because i am sure i am going crazy. i must be nuts. It isn't logical that i should be scared about my house catching on fire. It isn't like it happened to my row of houses. It isn't like it really affected me.
Sandy made me feel a bit better. She said that if it is electrical, and the way the houses were built, i have a justified fear. It doesn't feel justified. What my Mom has said makes it feel unjustified. What the nurse said makes it feel unjustified. But Sandy says it is. She says that i need to do something to make myself feel better. Have an electrician come in and check my wiring. Continue with helping with the fundraiser those in the survey are trying to put together to help the family that was burned out of their house (they didn't have insurance). She pointed out that i took control of my fear enough to be a comfort to the little girl, who sat and watched as the firefighters worked on her house (i gave her a new blankie and the big ugly frog Mike had given too me). i thought of some stuff that Mike would have thought of, like making sure those that were hysterical had caffeine and sugar to drink, and that they would sit down.
Great, that is all great, but i am still scared of leaving things plugged in. i am still scared to fall asleep. i am still scared to leave the house. i want to take all my pictures down and put them in a box and hide them someplace safe. Get them out of the house in case it burns down. Everything. i want everything and everyone safe. i really don't feel safe. i feel like i am on edge. i feel like i have no control. i feel like i am going crazy.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
i have a treatment booked for tonight, one for tomorrow morning, one for tomorrow night (i hope), 2 for Friday, one on Monday, one on Tuesday, 2 on Wednesday morning, and one that night (i hope). i still have a lot of people to respond to and book appointments with. At the rate i am going, i will be able to do my practicum mid-term before July. Man that would be nice. Plus, i am establishing a client list. i hope to be able to keep these people hooked enough, that they will continue with me, once i can make money off this venture.
Today is going to be cleaning day. i have people coming here for their appointments, and i want the place to be immaculate. First impressions are very important. By the end of the day, the house will be spic-and-span clean. my room will be very geared to a relaxing experience. my home will be one that is lived in, but again, a relaxing experience. i will put plants out, i will have the bathroom set-up so it is a little haven. i will buy water so i can provide my clients with refreshments after their treatments. And yes, i can get all this done today.
i am really proud of myself for figuring out a way to get new clients, and get lots of appointments booked. This will be fun.
Monday, May 28, 2007
1) i am getting serious about my reflexology, especially since i only have until December to get all the procedures i need, and my testing complete. So:
a) i have emailed my reflexology teacher, to book a date for my written mid-term test.
b) i have posted on facebook and a freecycle group i am a member of so i can get more procedures done.
c) i am booking appointments with friends, so i can get more procedures done.
d) i am going to Ikea to get a small computer chair to use during procedures.
2) i am doing waterfit again, thanks to P. He is hard to say no too, and i like it. So:
a) i will be going to waterfit at least 2 times each week in the day time
b) i will be going out and finding a new suit soon
Hmm, that is all i can think of for now. Who knows what i can come up with later. Part of this planning has to do with my therapy.
i am learning how to center myself using my Baby Bear. i just hope Baby Bear's paw can handle all the centering. i just keep stroking his paw, and breathing, and i seem to stop the roller coaster of emotions i am currently going threw. i do have to say that carrying around a stuffed animal all the time, looks a little weird, but it is the way i need to do things right now.
The MIT is doing good. He doesn't seem to be having too many problems with the new med He is on. No seizures since He has started them, but then again, He hasn't gone full blown since He started them. Going full blown seems to be the catalyst that starts the seizures. The med the doctor chose, is reported to help with episodes, so maybe that is also what is going on. Also with the MIT, the school is noticing that He is regressing in some areas. Especially physically. At least i am not the only one that is seeing it. That kind of makes me feel better.
And me? i am still angry at Mike. i am still mad that He can't say sorry for the biggest lie He told. i am still mad for all the shit that happened after His death. i still can't grasp why He didn't leave a will. At least if He had done that, He could have given explicit instructions as to what He wanted after His death. At least, maybe, i wouldn't have been made out to be the bad guy so much. My emotions have been up and down like a roller coaster. i never know when a high will hit, or when a low will hit. Lows suck. Highs feel great. i just like the in between so much better.
Anyways, time to start packing my bag for swimming, and to get a hold of someone about reflexology.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
i know i am not ready for a committed relationship. i know i am not ready to give myself over to anyone completely, or even try to find someone with that in mind. i just know that i am lonely. i don't like being at home alone all the time when the MIT is away. i want a body next to me. i want someone to talk to, other than myself. i want someone to share time with, go out to the movies with, go to events with. Someone that is mine, without them being someone else's.
There are problems finding that someone. i want my extended family to accept them, and they have pretty high standards. i want to be able to call them when i need them. i don't want to take orders from them much. i don't want them to be freaked out by the pictures of Mike on the wall. i want them to be able to take care of me a bit. i want to be able to let go with them a bit. Heck, after a year of no sex, that would be nice too. But the most important part, is that my extended family accept them. This is so important to me, that i feel like asking them to find me someone. Have them pick and choose, and eventually introduce me to them, and know that they all approve. Yes i am talking about an arranged relationship.
The problem with this, is that we all know all the same people in this little "community" of ours. We all know who has slept with who. Who broke-up with who, and probubly the reason why. Who we trust and who we don't. Who act with a lot of bravada. Who just wouldn't fit with the group of us. i want this person to fit. i want to not feel like this person is a reflection of me, but that i am a reflection of them.
Anyways, i have updated my profile on Collarme.com. i am not expecting much. i am expecting to not find anyone in the area. L&D have suggested expanding the prospective area, by going to events in Niagra, and Ottawa. Cool suggestion. But again, i don't want to be the one to pick the person. i want to pick them, so i know that they already have the group stamp of approval. i belong to the group in a way, and it is a safe place to belong. They know who i am, what i am like, how i tend to be. They know me, and know the real me, and not the me that i would be putting out there to find someone new.
Hmmm, i am starting to like this idea. Maybe i should talk to the group and see what they can come up with. i suddenly have this picture in my head of anyone that wants to be with me, standing in front of them, answering questions, and getting voted out, depending on their answers and their abilities. Maybe we could call it "Survivor: Dom island". LOL
Sunday, May 20, 2007
While writing the letter, i realized that i am not ready to even consider finding a partner yet. i am not ready to find someone to be with on a regular basis. That every man/woman i was to try to be with, would be compared to Him. Yes, i feel lonely sometimes, and i wish i had a partner who i could call my own, and i could count on them to pull on my hair, center me, and let me "let loose". That i could be a part of a couple again. i miss being part of a couple, or belonging to someone.
i have also learned a lot this year about myself. i am able to keep myself on track with taking my meds. i am able to manage my house. Sure, i have needed help with it at times when emotions overwhelmed me, but i have been really independent about stuff. i have been able to survive this past year. i have had my ups and downs, but i have survived.
Friends have helped a lot. They are the best friends i have ever had. They have never let me down and they have never guided me wrong. They have listened to me cry, and listened to me rant. They have directed me back to the real world. They have taken poison for me. They have acted as a wall for me. They have even put up with me moping and getting stagnant. They have played with me when i have needed it. They have put up with a lot. i am glad they are all my friends. i don't know what i would have done without them
Therapy has been a godsend (don't tell Sandy). i never thought i would feel safe in therapy. i thought i would have to hide the bdsm side of myself, but i don't, and Sandy doesn't think i am crazy because of it.
i have had a good year, overall. i have gotten in touch with my feelings. i have friends that are the best in the world. i have found a strength inside myself i didn't know i was there. i have watched my son grow and mature. i have had a really good year.
Friday, May 18, 2007
He would have been both scared for me, and proud of me for the fire i built. Man it burned hot. Who knew that soaking some stuff in rubbing alcohol could be a great fire started. Who knew that all the stuff i put in would cause a fire hot enough to make me check my eyebrows every once in a while. It was a pretty fire, and it even smelled ok. i am sure the herbs i used helped with the smell. What i also found calming, is the ritual. The idea that i didn't forget a lot of stuff, that i did remember how to do it, that even just walking the circle, made me feel better. Ok, so did the full bottle of wine i drank, but hey, i deserved it.
Clean-up is this morning. i have wax that dripped off candles to clean-up. i have to sift the ashes, and place some in the bottles i found. i will be taking the rest to one of the places i know He had wanted His ashes spread. That will possibly create a shedding of tears again, but it is His birthday, and He should get what He wants for His birthday. The wax from the candles will be burried there also. Just like last year's.
i am finding this peace hard to comprehend, but am enjoying it while i feel it. Knowing i can, in my own way, do something for Him that He wanted, and knowing that i was able to say my peace last night, makes the calm feeling less of a mystery. Also, i deserve to feel some peace. It has been a long time coming. Enjoying it isn't a bad thing. It is more like letting myself feel what ever emotion i have, and embracing it. Just like i embraced all the emotions i felt last night.
Embracing emotion - good
Burying emotion - bad
Thursday, May 17, 2007
The MIT asked to stay home today. Part of me wants that. i want Him to be close to me all day, so i know nothing will happen to Him today. i like that He asked me so nicely, and that He is actually worried about me today. He hasn't shown that kind of consideration or maturity about Mike's death, ever. Even His "i don't care" doesn't hold as much fire anymore. To let at least the MIT in, since He also hasn't had a chance to grieve. i want to keep Him, my Sis, even my parents close to me today. i want them to be in reach. i want to make sure they are all safe. i want P&E here, L&D, S, my friends. i want them to all be around here, so we can all grieve together. So that i don't feel like i am going through this alone. Kind of have them all come in stages, while i am walking around feeling so shitty. Yet feeling safe in the place i have created to do my ritual.
Then the other part of me speaks up. i want to be left alone in my grief. i want to just be, and have no interruptions in what it is i do and feel. i want to "handle" it all myself. That side of me is screaming. Screaming loud and clear. i want to do it on my own. i want to hide in my room, or hid in the back yard, and grieve and grieve. Cry and cry. Feel and feel. Just be sad and down, and weepy the way i know how.
i didn't realize it at the time, but i have already started the ritual. i burned sage into ash, last night. i did it while walking all through the house. Sort of smudging the place while i was walking, making sure it wouldn't stop burning. The ashes are going to part of the ink i make for part of the rest of the ritual tonight. i get to mix it with a pink wine. Mike always like a rose (yes there should be a thingy on top of the e, but i don't know how to do that right now), so it seems quite a good idea. my Sis picked something to go in the fire tonight. Stickers of the #48 car from Nascar. Mike's favourite driver being Jimmy Johnson. i am glad she remembered. i would have forgotten and gotten all mad at myself for it. i have a whole bunch of other things. A paint stir stick (Mike loved it as a toy). A shirt the MIT painted for Him our first Christmas together. Gauze and medical tape for the first aide side of Mike. Rubbing alcohol for the fire play side of Mike (along with a picture of Him doing fire play). A Tim Horton's cup with DD on the lid. A pair of His socks (His feet were always cold, and i want to hold on to His slippers). The two pictures of the MIT He carried in His wallet. The picture of the MIT and i together at the "Yes I can" awards. Two pictures of Him in lingerie (one while i played with Him, and one where He dressed up for me). Sage, His favourite incense. A picture of Mike and i together. There is a lot more other stuff, but i can't remember what it all is right now. Right now i am back to crying again. i still have to sew up the sarong i am going to wear to do the ritual. i will sew it once i get back from therapy. i also want to pick-up some maple cookies for tonight. Mike loved those.
Maybe the best compromise for me today, is to allow people to come over as they need, while i take care of what it is i need to do today. That sounds like a good idea. Let people come over, and if they want, they can bring something to add to the fire. They can add what they feel represents Mike, and who He was to either them, or just in general. That way i don't have to interrupt my head space for the ritual and stay in my space for the ritual. i mean, that is the whole purpose for me today. To say goodbye to Mike in the way i need to. To do what i need to grieve and let go of some of the bottled up feelings i have.
Time to care for the MIT. i am letting Him stay home from school today. i think He needs to see me cry and grieve, so that He can learn to do the same thing. He is obviously wanting to understand, or he wouldn't have asked to stay home.