December 1st and hoping for a better time than last year.

Last year, I started getting the symptoms, of what turned out to be, Conversion Disorder.  The stress was so much, that my brain told my body to stop  working properly.  My brain wanted me to pay attention to the fact that I was stressed, and had reached my breaking point, without me going completely insane. 

This year, things are different.  This year I am in special therapy.  This year, my family knows better.  This year, I have a coping plan.  This year, I actually feel relaxed about everything.  This year, I am looking forward, and not backwards.

I am "dating" more.  I am actually putting myself out there, to others.  I am opening up about how I feel and not just trying to block it all.  I am meditating more.  I am "in the moment" more.  I am just more.  I like it.

Sure finances suck.  Sure I have to cut back on who I can give gifts to, and how much I can spend.  Sure I could use more help around the house.  Really, none of these things are anything to loose my head over. 

Today I am decorating my house for the season.  My altar is all green and ready.  I want to go out and get holly and mistletoe sprigs.  I want to go and get my wreaths for my doors.  I am ready to decorate limes, lemons, and oranges.  I just want to enjoy this season, and just be one with it. 

Today I am smiling

To Write Love On Her Arm

 "To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

To Write Love On Her Arms Day is a day where anyone can write the words love on their arms, to support those who are fighting against depression and those who are trying to recovering. On this day, just write love on your arms, and show it off, other people will ask why you have love written on your arms, and you tell them you are supporting to write love on her arms day, and how its benefiting a non profit organization helping stop depression, and make love the movement ♥ "

As someone that suffers from depression, post traumatic stress disorder, and borderline personality disorder, this is definitely something close to my heart.  I have addiction issues, and self-injury issues.  Yes I am working on them, but that is me.  Some just can't at this point in their lives.  For those, and for myself, This is something I will be participating in every year.  Especially now that I know about it. 
On November 12-13th write love on yours arms, and upload pictures here to show your support

Here are my pictures:

My arm

My Sis's arm

Posted late because I couldn't get the pictures up.

A month gone by....

Therapy is going well.  I am getting along with the group and learning more and more skills.  My individual therapy is also going well.  Karen and I are now moving to the point where I get to experience an emotion, for a controlled amount of time, and discuss how it felt.  It is hard getting used to opening myself up like that.  Unlike with Sandy, I trust Karen to not let me get away with going "intellectual" when I need to be emotional.

It seems I have mastered a number of the main skills.  My favourite is One Mindfully.  It is like meditating on what I am doing without any outward distractions.  Even putting laundry away is different with this skill.  Another is called Self Sooth.  Having a bath with oils or bubbles.  Doing my nails.  Having a cup of tea.  All these are self soothing things that can bring me back down to a peaceful space.  I like learning this stuff.  I didn't think I would, but I really am.

I am still seeing my puppy.  He is fun.  He is a distraction.  He is safe. 

The MIT is still, slowly, moving backwards.  He is getting more and more unstable.  Pictures are going to have to come down soon, so none get broken as He stumbles into the walls.  His health has also diminished.  He has been sick since the middles of September, and can't seem to shake what He has.  Since He has been so sick, so have I.

Right now, my health sucks.  I have a bad cough, and can't seem to shake it.  Tomorrow is the doctor's to see if my chest has cleared up, or gotten worse. 

Samhain was nice.  I hung bones in my tree.  I did what I wanted to do.  I served a good dinner.  I am sad I celebrated alone.  The MIT wasn't even here for it.  I did it for me.  I enjoyed it.  I enjoyed preparing for the night.  I enjoyed writing my regrets and burning them.  I enjoyed forgiving myself, and letting things go. 

Tonight I can say that things are good.  I am content.

Life goes on

Yesterday, I drove Joseph part way to the bus station, before he pissed me off even more, because he lied to me again.

Last weekend, I caught Joseph in a really big lie.  Money related, manipulative, bald face lie.  I gave him another chance.  Saturday, he lied again.  It was a stupid, little lie, but still a lie.  One that cost me money again.  Was totally disrespectful.  I realized he wasn't worth my respect, time, love or anything.  I told him to put on his shoes and that he was going home.  On the way to the bus station, he said that it was my fault that TJ was going to be upset.  That I was causing TJ pain because I was breaking up with Joseph.  That was when I pulled over and kicked him out of the car, and didn't care how he got home at that point.

Today, I am proud of myself.  I stood up for myself.  I decided I deserve more than being lied to.  I decided I deserve more than just someone who says they love me, verses someone that shows me they love and respect me.  That is how much I have come to love myself.  How much I like myself. 

I cooked up a bunch of meat, and now have meals ready for over a week.  I did go out and buy a cake, but came home and threw it out before having any. (Yay to not doing maladaptive behaviour!!!) I have gotten down to almost what I weighed when I got out of hospital back in March.  I am going to keep going that way.  It makes my back feel better when I am lighter.  That and the prepared meals, and I am good to go. 

I am proud of myself.  I am happy.  I don't need anyone else in my life, and am not going to look for it anymore.  If someone falls into my lap, and they treat me the way I deserve, than maybe I will consider it.  Until then, I am holding my head high.

Tuesday roundup

So yesterday was a good day.  TJ and I spent some quality time together.  I didn't hear from Joseph, so I knew something was wrong.  I gave myself a pampering by sitting out back, music blaring while reading my book.  I am actually happy.

It has been a good week actually.  Less frustration.  Less back pain.  Less maladaptive behaviour.  Good all around good week.  I keep living each moment at a time.It is as if, since meeting with the DBT therapist, I have been really conscious about my actions.  Especially where TJ and Joseph are concerned. 

With TJ, it is a big daily change.  No yelling at him.  I breath when I get frustrated.  I turn my frustration into jokes or compromises.  I take the time to sit and talk with him.  We sit quietly watching shows and then talking during the commercials. 

With Joseph, it is about communication.  I talk about how I feel when he doesn't call me during the day.  How I feel like he forgets about me, or is scared of talking to me when things go too good or too bad.  I hear him when he tells me stuff, and have yet to pull the "It is your fault for not saying anything", instead of taking responsibility for my actions. 

With family, I am still struggling.  Karen and I had talked about "radically accepting" the fact that Cindy and TJ communicate in a weird, kind of bickering, way.  Mom and TJ are no better.  Thelma is also one I need to act that way with.  I can't change how they all act towards one another.  It is not my job to fix them, so I need to let it go.  I am still learning.  At least I haven't done anything to harm myself or my relationships.

I am keeping my altar nice.  I still haven't written in my BOS.  I haven't really done any meditation, or candle work or anything.  My beliefs are always in my mind, but I can't seem to bring myself to practice, or pray even.  It is like I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now it is about getting better.  Getting the tools to keep myself sane and out of the hospital. 

Joseph and I are doing well.  We have hit the 2 month mark (actually we hit if on Sunday).  We love each other and are learning more and more about each other each day.  We are each working on this relationship AS a relationship, and not just dating. We are taking the time to hear each other out.  We are accepting each other's faults, and even music.  We are taking care of each other.  Me teaching him about his finances, and him helping me stay on my meal plan.  The amount of food he leaves cooked when he leaves is astounding.  this is a give and take relationship, not a give and give or take and take relationship. 

So today, I am happy, TJ is happy, and Joseph is happy.  Things are good. I am smiling.

Skipped a day and the rest of the weekend

Friday was good, and not so good.  Good was the way TJ and I interacted and played and joked and just enjoyed each other.  Good was Joseph coming for the weekend, eating home BBQed ribs and going for a drive.

Not so good was telling Sandy what happened to me when I was around 17 years old.  It had been my homework from Karen.  I did as I was asked.  I got lost in time as I was talking to Sandy.  I did a lot of talking and crying.  Sandy got into the "why" I would have felt like I did.  How could I answer that?  I still don't know why I thought I deserved to be treated so badly or why I still question if I deserve to be treated nicely.  I couldn't answer all that.  I wanted to just run away after telling her all about it.  I felt shame and yucky.

What I am proud of is I didn't do any of the maladaptive behaviour.  I did not yell at TJ at all.  I did not take any extra meds.  I did not stuff my face with chocolate. I did not do anything that would hurt me in any way.  I am very proud of myself that I found other ways to deal with the panic and stress I was feeling.  Heck, I even watched Dr. Oz.  I never watch that show.  Guess what they were talking about.  Stress. 

Over all, Friday was good.  One little blip, but that will turn out good soon too.  For the rest of the weekend, I am going to be spending time with Joseph and relaxing and enjoying being cooked for, and having the dishes done. 

We are off for a drive.  Bye until Sunday night.

New Therapist

Today I met Karen. She might become my new DBT therapist. Right now we are "dating" to see if we are a good fit.

I like her. She is not full of bullshit. She is upfront of what she expects of me. She is upfront of what she can not tolerate. She is upfront with what we are going to be working on, and how we are to communicate. She is also someone with a great sense of humour.

I know there will be times when I will hate her. I know there will be times I won't want to see her. I know that the commitment I am going to be making to the DBT therapy is a big one. I know I can make that commitment. I have already made a commitment to her. I will never again show up on more medication than I have been prescribed.

Yes I did show up today with an extra Percocet in my system, and I was honest about it. I will never do that again. She wants to meet the real me, not the drugged me. No matter how much I want to justify that the extra drug actually shows the real me, it isn't true.

So, I have committed to doing the therapy. I have committed to showing up without any "extra" help. For now, I will continue with both Karen and Sandy, until Karen's schedule and client list can accommodate me. Then, I will only be seeing Karen for a year, plus a little few months of supportive therapy, while I move back to being Sandy's client again.

I like this plan.

Moving along

Things are moving along nicely. The relationship with Joseph is a good one. It is equal. It is comforting. It is passionate. This weekend we are moving the relationship forward. The MIT and Joseph are going to meet.

The MIT will never be "ready" to meet Joseph, but the MIT is showing signs that it is going to be ok. No more interrupting me on the phone when Joseph and I are talking to each other. No more complaining when I speak about Joseph with Sis. No more blocking His ears when I talk to Him about Joseph. So, it is time.

This Friday, Joseph will be coming after the MIT leaves for Karate. That will give Joseph and I a few hours alone together. Once the MIT comes home, we will have about an hour, where the MIT is allowed to just go to his room, or even sit and be with Joseph and I. Saturday, the MIT is aware that Joseph will be here, but the usual Saturday morning schedule is still in place. He knows that Joseph and I will probably be going out. That gives Him time alone with the nurse. Joseph and I will be back in time for the MIT to go to my parents.

That is the extent of them meeting each other for now. Soon we will move to include Sunday nights and part of Mondays. Not too soon, but yes soon.

We are going at a nice pace. One that isn't too fast, and isn't too slow. Just moving at our own pace that is working well for us.

I love being with this man.

Hard Hitting

This weekend, the anniversary, has hit me hard. So hard I had a breakdown at therapy. Big breakdown.

I cried and cried. I can't understand how I could miss someone who actually treated me like an extra. Yes I have said He never treated me as such, but in reality, that is exactly how He treated me. He had His wife. He had His Mistress. He had others. I never said boo. I never said stop. I tried to understand. I excused His lying. I excused His bullshit. I excused everything, just so I could be with Him. How could I let someone treat me that way. As an extra. Not someone worthy of the truth, respect, and attention I actually deserved. What I deserve now.

Yesterday, I took down his pictures. I cleaned out his drawer. I kept some things, threw others away, and gave away a few. I want him out of my thoughts. Out of my memories. Out of my feelings. I know it is unrealistic. I know he will always be a part of me. 6 1/2 years is a long time to be with someone. For this weekend, I just want to not feel so bad. Too bad I can't control that.

Today is about not doing the "maladaptive" behaviour. No cutting. No over eating. No spending lots and lots of money. No drinking lots of alcohol. No sleeping the day away. It is about embracing my feelings of anger and sorrow. It is about being in the now (sometimes called mindfullness).

Today is going to be about beautifying my surroundings. "From sorrow springs growth." That is my mantra for today. I need to do it, without going out and spending a lot of money. I have already planted the front garden. I have already planted my one pot flower. The back patio has been swept.

I know I want new patio furniture. I know I want to buy lots of herbs. I know I want to buy new bird feeders. I want to buy and buy and buy. I also want to drink and drink and drink. I had one drink last night. I wanted more. The tequila is calling out to me. My credit card is calling me. My savings is calling to me. I will fight it. I will use the techniques they taught me in the hospital. I will concentrate on letting myself feel, and just enjoying the day.

Time to let sorrow bring growth.

Sick, and other stuff

The MIT has been sick since we returned from camping. i sent Him to school on the Monday and the Tuesday, but then He was getting worse, so i have kept Him home since. He was much better on Friday, before He went to Rygiel, but came home sicker (is that a real word?). Usually He arrives at Rygiel perfectly well and comes home sick. i thought maybe it would work the opposite way this time, but i was wrong. So here i sit. Home with the MIT. Sick, myself. At least we got the all clear from the doctor saying it is just a cold.

i have decided to be a role model for my Dad. i have got to get back on the horse in keeping my blood sugars normal. Got to. How can i tell my Dad what to do, when i am doing the complete opposite? Yesterday was grocery shopping, and i have so much healthy food in the house, it is ridiculous. Yes there are treats for the MIT, but i am going to make myself stay away from them. i even have yogurt for me for my night time snack. Raspberry and dragon fruit is yummy. Today i was good and actually had breakfast. Egg and toast. Maybe if i eat all day (portion sizes and stuff) i won't feel so famished at night. That is a huge goal for me. i am even putting up my little post-it notes in the kitchen and around the house. "Eat breakfast", " Lunch at 1:00", "No snacking after 9:00", and my favourite "Follow YOUR plan!!!". Adding to all this, the keeping up on taking my meds (when i have them) and making sure i always have them. Plus there is the checking of the blood sugars. Time to kick it up a notch. i may even join the Y and get some exercise in. That would be a big help. There are some programs i am interested in. i just need to try them, so i can actually see if i can do them. This is where my Sis's membership will come in handy. She can let me join a few classes for a free trial before i decide what it is i want to participate in.

i am missing Thistle. She was cute and calming to me. i could just sit and hold her for hours. i want a hedgehog so badly. i have made a deal with my Sis, that once i am approved for ODSP, i can get one. i am going to get a male and E and i are going to breed them. Mine will be registered, so that can add to the value of the babies. i just have to find a registered breeder, and get the supplies, and then off we can go. Some research is involved, but i am up for it. Who knows, i may just end up with a clan of them.

L and i have reconnected. i am not going to let that friendship go. i will be emailing her, or calling her once a week. Same as i do with P. They can be so controlling LOL. That is partly why i love them both. It is nice and comforting to have my family back together. Now to get us all back in the same room at the same time.

Today is forms and deadlines. i have my "income assessment" for my housing to hand in today. i have meds to pickup. i have my gas bill to hand into OW to increase my check (they took off $100 because of my van). The increase will only be about $20, but everything helps.

Wow, this bdsm journal sure has nothing to do with bdsm. It hasn't for a while. Then again, that is where my life is right now. BDMS, not a priority. Getting my life somewhat normal is. You can't give over control of something you don't already have control over. That is what i am working on. Getting control of my life (where i can) so that when i find One that can handle me (LOL), i have my life under enough control, that giving over some of it, is a true symbol of my submission.

Well, time to go to the drug store, and then home to take meds.

One week since

It has been one week since my surgery. It has been one week since i decided to quit smoking. So here is what has been happening.

Surgery - it went really well. The doctor was able to reach my fallopian tubes and clip them. i am now not able to get pregnant. i no longer have to worry about a little egg getting fertilized. Now, when i miss months of periods, i don't have the worry about possibly being pregnant (in those times i actually have sex). The hole in my belly button is healing slowly. The hole above my c-section scare is well passed healed. i have bruising on my belly that would scare some sadists (not any i know but you get the idea). The doctor had said she sends most people back to work a week after the surgery. When i reminded her that my "work" includes lifting a 150 lb teenage boy, she said i should take 3 weeks. Like that is possible. He (the MIT) decided that the surgery was going to make me sweeter and nicer and not so mean. He realized that wasn't the case when i sent Him to bed at 8:00 because of bad behaviour. i think i have to stop letting Him watch so many dog programs.

Stopping smoking - It has been over a week without a smoke. my sense of smell is heightened (i can even smell the meds on the patches i put on every morning). my sense of taste is better. The cold i had left with in days. i have been knitting. i am almost 1/2 way done. i am making a Quaker Stitch afghan. See :

It is an interesting stitch. i am really enjoying it. i knit when i feel like having a smoke or even if i am just bored and am thinking of eating for no reason.

Today is therapy day. Today i get to tell Sandy that i actually had the surgery. i don't know why her trying to talk me out of it, or just talking about not having it done bothered me so much, but it did, and still does. Like i didn't think it out all the way? Like i will regret it at the age of 45 and want to try to have another child? Like i have the energy to have another child? There are way to many other options if i ever felt that way. Everything from fostering to adoption. Yup, it is still bothering me.

Today, i am also looking at my bank account. i didn't have to put out $100 for smokes last week. i didn't have to put out $100 this week for smokes. It is weird, and i don't trust it yet. i don't trust that i will not need the money for something serious or for something "just because".

OK, time to head off to shower and get ready for Sandy.