Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Tue, 22 Aug 2006

Topic: Private thoughts

i know i didn't write to You all weekend in my hand journal. i am really sorry. i couldn't do it. i had to keep my head in camp, away from You or i wouldn't have been able to actually preform.
i helped out everywhere. i did the driving for groceries. i did clean-up after dinner. i did registration. i survived Sherry being there, in the cabin with me, making Bryan moan and groan. i survived hearing the pity in people's voices as they spoke to me. i survived Patrick's annual temper tantrum. At times, i did more than survived. i stayed up late with the group most nights. i got drunk one night. i sang karaoke. i think You would be proud.

Peter was proud, and told me so yesterday. So was Laura, Darren, Scott, Erin, Robyn. Everyone was proud of me. Too bad i wasn't. i felt so out of it most of the time. i felt like i was trying to be someone i am not. i just knew i had to perform. i had to do everything. i had to not breakdown and become a blubbering idiot. But the whole time i kept thinking how wrong it all was. How it shouldn't be like it is. How it should have been You watching out for me, making sure i was ok. Making sure i didn't push myself too hard. i know i pushed myself. No one else knows just how much.

i haven't had a chance to crash yet. i won't even get that chance this weekend. i am wound up so tight right now, that even a phone call from mom set me on edge. TJ talking too much sets me on edge. i know i am behind on my meds, that is probubly part of the reason. i am catching up on them. i will have a breakdown later. Don't ask me when, but i will.

You should have been there this weekend. You should have been the one helping Peter and Helmut load and unload the truck. You should have been the one doing first aide. It should have been You that hugged me at night and not some stuffed animal. It should have been You to help Helmut with the meat. It should have been You to break-up Patrick and Darren. Instead, it was me. i don't like it being just me.

i want You back. i want You to come back. i need You to come back. TJ is on His way home. i will write in my book soon. i promise.

i love You Master.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Wed, 16 Aug 2006

Topic: Private thoughts

Why the hell aren't You here. You should be here. You should be walking through the door. You should be the one making me calm down, not some drug. You should be the one sleeping here tonight, not Laura and Darren. You should be the one to get the ice tomorrow. You should be here to help load the truck. You should be here to setup the play tent. You should freakin be here.

But You are not here. Instead, i have to figure out a way to survive this weekend without You. That is so not fair.

i talked to the doctor yesterday. She wants me in the hospital. She isn't sure i can make decisions right now. She thinks i am so far gone. The worst part is she is right.

i so want to just die. i want TJ to die so i can die. i wait every morning for him not to wake up. i wait every day for a car to crash into us killing us both. i just want to die and go away and not come back and be with You. That is all i want. That is all i hope for. That is what always goes through my mind. Wishing i could just be done with this life and be done with it all.

Will You come and get me while i sleep? Will You come and bring me to You? Please? Master? Please Master, please. Just come to me and take me with You. i can't be without You anymore. i don't want to be without You anymore. Please Master. i don't know how else to beg to You. Just please.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Sat, 12 Aug 2006

Mood: don't ask
Topic: How i feel

i haven't typed to You in a long time Master. i have been keeping up in my written journal. i am just scared Aaron, Lore, or even Bev will find this place and use what i write against me.

i miss You so much. The dark thoughts are getting worse. i now am waiting for TJ to die so i can die too. Every morning He sleeps in, i am hoping He isn't waking up. i even left Him home alone when He was full blown. If He was gone, i could come to You without any guilt.

Cindy is hoping to win the lottery. She has already planned out what she is going to do with the money. Stuff like buy me a house and a car. She would pay off the credit card again. She would even set up an account i could dip into if i needed the money. All i asked for was a freezer and to have it filled with food. i can't dream all that big right now. Dreaming means hope. Dreams don't come true. The dream of You being my Master, being here for me, hearing Your voice, all died with You. All hope died with You.

i know i am holding on by a thread, and i am watching it unravel. Camp scares me. Being without You scares me. Going and getting groceries scares me. Everything, without You, scares me.

Why didn't You wake me up? Why didn't You stop me for cutting? Why can't i feel You? Why won't You come back?

i love You Master