Thursday, September 30, 2010


Yes it has been a while.  Things have been....different.  I am not sure I like it all.

The DBT is bringing up emotions I am used to stuffing down in that dark space, where they can't come out and bother me.  Now that they are coming out, I am having panic attacks.  Lots of them.  Normally, I would cut or drink or something to help stuff the emotions away.  Promising not to do that anymore, means the feelings are exploding.  So, I am picking the lesser of all the evils.  I have been picking up men.  I called that young pup from back in May that I liked.  He came over  and we had 2 great nights of sex.  I haven't called him since. 

Right now, I am good.  I have closed off that part of me, and the emotions are no longer boiling over.  I feel normal again. 

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Panic and therapy

Today was therapy day.  Therapy with Karen, and not Sandy.  Friday I say goodbye to Sandy.  Today was a day to go over what behaviour is life threatening, and that I really need to stop.  We talked.  I cried.  I figured out how to fill out the daily diary cards.  I found out the rules of the group.  I left.

As I was leaving, I started to hyperventilate.  I walked back to Karen's office.  I cried, and hid in the corner.  She ran and got me an ice pack. I couldn't breath.  I couldn't pull it together.  I couldn't even talk.  I remember Karen asking me if I was having a flash back and me shaking my head.  I remember her asking me if I was having a panic attack, and croaking out a "don't know".  By the time she got back, I had gotten myself together enough to be able to talk. She told me to put the ice pack on my nose and mouth (a sensation change), and asked what I could see in the room, then what I could hear.  I know the technique she was using.  I know how to use it.  For me, it is an avoidance.  She said to use the word divergence. 

So I made it home ok.  Have been ok since.  I didn't eat dinner.  I just couldn't.  I wasn't hungry.  I did snack on TJ's dinner. 

Tomorrow, my nurse comes to change my dressing.  It is also the first day this week, without something to do all day.  That will be fun.  I already have a bunch of stuff listed that I want/need to get done.

OK, as you can see, I am still really shaken up.  I can't seem to concentrate on anything.  TV is oblivious.  Sitting and just smoking seems to be all I can do.  Thinking is out of the question.  Hence why this post is so all over the place.  Sorry about that.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.