Thursday, August 30, 2007

5 days left of summer

Thank goodness there are only 5 days left. i am at the end of my rope. i am exhausted. i am stressed. i am bitchy. All i can think about is that there are only 5 days left.

Yesterday i went out and got the MIT's back to school stuff. Finally. He didn't go with me because, again, He was full blown. This summer has been full of full blown days. my body is shouting at me because of lifting Him and giving Him support. At least school is soon. my body can recover a bit. i am worried about Him getting worse and worse and the school not being able to handle it. i am worried about being called in more and more, to bring Him home. Even the chance of Him having to go to the hospital has increased. i guess it is a wait and see time for me.

my Sis and i talked yesterday about what we are going to do while Mom, Dad and MIT are away. We are planning on a short road trip to the states. Do some shopping there. Maybe stay a night there. It is weird we have gotten so close. i admitted to her that i don't trust her right now. All the shit that has happened has left me feeling like i really don't know her. i admitted to her that my first thought was that it was her that took all of the MIT's and my stuff, and there wasn't really a break-in. i still can't say for sure that i don't think she did it. i just keep telling myself that she wouldn't have hurt the MIT that way.

Today i am taking the MIT to get His hair bleached blond. Yes i am giving in. Yes i swore to myself i wouldn't let Him do it until He was 16, but He deserves it. He puts up with a lot from me, and i know He really wants it done. We are going to L's today so She can do it. i trust Her. She will make sure it works good. He is really stoked about it. He is stoked about starting school as a blond. He is even stoked about the wedding.

i am stoked about school starting again.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Time for a catch-up post

Lets see. It has been a while, and so much has happened.

S/mer camp. Went well. We all moseyed. It was a calm camp where we carried the "it is our last one, and if you don't like it, don't come back" attitude. It was cold at night, so play was limited. With it being so relaxed, i had more time to think. my head was full of "why isn't He here?" and "i miss Him so much". Other than that, it was good.

The call. Sunday night i had a message on my cell from my sister to call ASAP. It turned out to be that my house had been broken into again. 2nd time in 7 years. This time they mainly took little things. Mainly the MIT's things. His iPod, His portable DVD player, His Xbox, His PS2, and all His games. The only stuff of mine was my change jar money, my American money, and a carton of my smokes. Even now i am noticing more stuff missing. MIT's Harry Potter computer game is gone. i just noticed that it is gone. Great. Something else. The MIT was so mad when He, my Dad and Sis found that stuff was missing, He broke a chair. He is still so angry and scared. He hasn't slept in His own bed since.

The MIT's trip to the hospital. This happened Thursday. Thursday morning the MIT and i were watching TV and the next thing i know, He is passed out on my lap. i got Him to my room, and after a while, he vomited while still unconscious. It continued for 5 hours before i called the ambulance. He was fine by the time we got to the hospital, but they kept Him over night anyways. He wasn't discharged until Friday evening. He is fine. He is back to normal. The doctors have asked that i bring Him in sooner next time. They are worried about it being a new type of seizure, or pressure in the brain, or even a bleed. Scary stuff.

Alarm Force. We had it installed yesterday. It is already making me feel better. i can arm it, and disarm it. i was even able to leave the house yesterday without anyone being here.

Me. i am stressed out. i am tired. i am on the edge of loosing it. Yes i can show off the "easy" side of myself. It is taking a lot of meds to do it though. i am short on money, and have a lot of bills i have to catch up on. i am flighty. my brain is all over the place. i don't feel settled. i can't wait for school to start. i can't wait to be able to sleep more than 14 hours a week. Most of all, i can't wait until the MIT leaves for Australia. A full month vacation for me.

i so want to go away during that month. Go to a hotel and soak in a hot tub. Go to a different province and look around. Go anywhere but here. Actually take a vacation. God that would be so nice. Hell, i have a month. i should be able to do something during that time. Too bad i can't. It sucks.

Time to get ready to go to my parent's place and celebrate my Sis's birthday.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

One more sleep...sort of

Today is the day we pack up my van with all the DSSG stuff, and probubly head off to the camp to drop it all off. Today is also the day my head hurts, the MIT is complaining about the pain from His bruised ribs, i am panicked, i am nervous, i am missing Mike, and i can't seem to follow my simple lists of what i need to do.

i know i get like this. All but last year i had Mike here to center me. i need my hair pulled. i need pain i don't inflict on myself to settle me. i need someone to stand next to me and direct me to do what it is i need to do. i know i can do it. i did it last year. All on my own i did it last year. Why is this year so hard?

i don't have much time left until everyone shows up to load the van. i need to go to 2 stores before they come here. That of course includes getting the MIT fed and dressed and myself showered and dressed before we go. This will work out.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Week 9 and Carpet is in!!!!

Today is the first day of week 9. Another week down. Only 2 and a bit weeks until school begins. Thank goodness. i am at the end of my rope. There is only so much i can handle, and this summer has taken its toll.

Today i finally got a new carpet. On the right, is what it used to look like. This is just a small section of the yucky thing. See all the bumps and bubbles? Those were all over the carpet. The MIT would trip over them all the time. It was ugly and unsafe.

On the left is the new carpet. Isn't it great? All smooth and pretty. The colour is better also. Much lighter, and no stains!!! i am a very happy camper. Now i just have to move everything back to where it belongs.

While the carpet was being installed, the MIT decided to show off. He sat on the railing in front of the house, and fell off it. The first fall was backwards onto the pile of old carpet, so there was no damage. The second fall was head first onto the patio pavement. The one guy that was installing the carpet, helped break the MIT's fall, so the bump on His head isn't to bad. i am hoping to get a picture of it, just for memory sake.

This week is getting ready for Camp week. This requires shopping, shopping and more shopping, packing the van, emptying the van, repacking the van. The stress will come with taking the seats out of the van, and making sure i get everything on my lists for camp. The other stressful thing is packing the van with all the DSSG stuff, and then making sure i can pack all of my stuff. Luckily i am a list maker, and have plenty of lists to go by. i just hope i don't forget anything. Especially the DSSG stuff.

i have been having trouble maintaining a calmness in me. i am taking all my meds. i am eating pretty ok (i think i gained). i will talk to the doctor about it tomorrow. i don't want to be on more meds, but i can't keep "coping" the way i have been. The stuff i talked to my therapist about is still running rampant in my head. i am having trouble letting it go and just living day to day. Then again, part of what therapy is about for me, is dealing with how i feel, when i feel it. So maybe there is a reason i keep thinking about what i discussed on Friday. i guess i will wait and see and talk to the doctor tomorrow.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Swirling thoughts

i can't sleep. my head is full of confusing thoughts. The MIT is beeping and beeping. Lots of apneas, a few bradys. Doesn't look like a night i get to settle.

Therapy was rough. At least i didn't just vent about every day stuff. i confessed my cutting. i talked about how this year seems so much harder than last year. At least last year, i was in a fog. Living on the thought that i would wake-up at any moment, and all would be back to normal. This year i can't pretend. i have been learning to feel what i feel when i feel it. i have been learning to accept what life now has to offer me. This year sucks. This year i am totally aware that Mike is gone. This year i am figuring out how to live without Him. i had thought that this year would be easier than last. i am finding it to be harder. Sandy says it is normal. She says that after trying to bury all my feelings, i am going to feel more overwhelmed by letting them all out.

On top of that i confessed my stress about the MIT. i confessed how much summer sucks. i confessed how during the school year, i hear that i am lucky my parent's take my son every Saturday for a sleep over. i confessed that it bothers me so much because in the summer, i get only the Saturday night, and don't get a week off here or there. i am with Him almost 24/7. i confessed the thoughts have returned, hoping He won't wake-up in the morning. i confessed how much i love Him, but that i want a real break from Him. God i can't for October.

i am feeling really tired. Totally stressed out. Nearing the end of my rope. Sandy wondered why i would put myself through all the stress of Camp. It was hard to explain but finally i realized, that by the end of camp, i am a much happier person. i feel free at camp. Free to be who i am, if i chose to. Free to get all "powerful" if i need to. Free to just be a grownup with a great bunch of grownups that i am proud to call my friends (ok, sometimes i even call them family).

Time to try to settle my brain. i am hoping this helped. i need to at least nap between beeps.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Almost the end of week 8

Today is Friday. Today is therapy day. i need it.

i have been having panic attacks. Yes it finally broke threw. It overwhelmed me. The first one was intense. i couldn't even write in my journal. i wanted out of it so bad. The meds wouldn't work. They didn't calm me at all. i ended up cutting. It broke the attack. It made me feel better. The next day, it happened again. Two times. i didn't cut this time. On the advice of P&E i went to my ceramics class. It helped. i am glad i called and asked their advice. Ceramics is quite calming, especially when you know that you don't have to interact with anyone else, and that any mistakes i make, i can correct.

i have been thinking a lot about Mike, and how much i miss Him. i have also been thinking about the good times, and that brings smiles to my face. Thinking about Him this year, is different than last year. Last year, i was going through the motions. i was waking up, doing what i had to, trying not to think. Pushing myself to accept that He is dead. This year, i am more aware of everything. i am aware of feeling sad, of feeling happy. i am aware when i talk about Him, or think about Him. i am past being angry at His stupidity. i am more sad that He felt He needed to lie so much. Sad that He couldn't even admit things to Himself. Other than that sadness, i am enjoying the happy memories. Yes, sometimes they make me cry. Yes i still wish He was here. i am getting better at letting my emotions come out as they need to. i guess that is a good sign in my development.

A week from today i will be waking up at camp. i am split on how i feel about it. Split on wanting to go, and not wanting to go. Wavering between thinking it will be enjoyable, and thinking it will be like dragging my feet in the mud. i am definitely prepared to get drunk again. i am really looking forward to that. i am going to be the booze center. i am taking Bailey's, Rum, Peach schnapps, and Goldshlager. i am responsible for bringing the stove, and transporting all the equipment this year. i am going to be making tacos for my communal meal. No sandwiches, no meat plate. Something warm and easy and likely to please. i am glad i thought about it.

i am really glad this is the last one we will be hosting. The decision has been made that the people that own the camp ground, will be continuing with the tradition, and they want us to manage the play parties. That takes me back to the very first time the original group of us went to the camp grounds to stake it out. We ran the play party then. It was a great time. i like the idea that we aren't going to have all the responsibilities. No worrying about food. No worrying about registration. It will end up being a nice break, and a nice place to go and enjoy. i can see communal meals with us again, and again.

Well, sounds like the MIT is finally up. i was actually sitting here for the last hour and a half wishing He wouldn't. Yeah, that is how down i am right now. Instead, He is up, and will be wanting food soon. The new med His is on has stopped the seizures. He has been having more episodes of one side or the other gone. No real "full blown" episodes. Even on days when both sides are working, His balance is way off. i am not seeing my strong MIT as much anymore. i am seeing the MIT that is loosing mile stones, and balance, and is physically deteriorating. Great.

Well, i guess that is all. i have other news, but am not ready to share it out loud. i am scared it won't happen, and things fall through, and i am left feeling worse.

Time to cook the MIT breakfast. Hopefully it isn't going to be french toast again (He has had that on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday). At least He gets a smoothie every morning. It is nice to not have to worry about Him actually getting fruits every day. Time to stop droning on and on.

Have a great day all.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Feeling "off"

i don't know what is going through my head today. It is almost like i am at the beginning of an anxiety attack, and am in a holding pattern where my body is jumpy, my head is swirling, and i don't feel settled. i wish i would just either move into full attack or calm enough to feel settled.

i know i have been thinking about Mike a lot. i have been missing Him constantly. i have bouts of tears, and bouts of joy. i keep looking up stuff. Looking for pictures of Him or us. Looking for emails He sent over the years. Looking for Him everywhere. i really want Him here with me. i have wanted Him back for the last few days. God i miss Him. i could really do with Him being here right now.

Maybe it is the lack of sleep. Maybe that is it. That would make sense. OK, no more thinking away how i am feeling. (Therapist talking in my ear) i need to just feel. i need to let myself just go with how i feel. i need to just cry if i feel the need (like right now). i know i have been keeping in how crappy i have been feeling. i have been ignoring the signs of holding everything inside. The need to yell. The quick to temper. The feeling of being unsettled.

Ok. Other stuff.

The willow trees in my neighbour's yard were cut down.

Here is the before......And here is the after.......

No more trees. The beautiful willow trees are gone. all that are left are the trunks. It was sad last weekend, watching the untrained men cutting these down. i yelled across the fence that i want some of the pieces from the trees. Hopefully i can get those.

Also, i finished one of my projects at ceramics. Here is my ugly troll guy

He is an incense holder. i think he is mighty cute. i am proud of the job i did. i am currently working on 3 other projects. This troll guy was done in acrylics. i am starting to work with under glazes. i soon want to work with glazes.

i got my mark from my reflexology written exam. i needed a 70% to pass. i got an 89%.