Sunday, March 30, 2008

Healing, following, living, and celebrating

Saturday was a busy day. It turned into a nice and quiet night. It was a good day.

First L&D showed up with their kids and we had a good exchange. L and i are going through a lot of the same things with our children. We both have to deal with a child that is having a difficult time liking themselves. It was nice for me to hear that someone else is dealing with the same problems. i think it was the same for her. We decided that the issue (what ever it was) 6 months ago, isn't worth ruining our friendship over, mainly because neither of us can remember what it was really about. That was a relief. i didn't want to loose them from my life. They are important to me. Both the grownups and the kids. It was also nice to hear that both the MIT and i are important to them as well, and that they understand that the MIT is getting worse and that doesn't bode well for the future.

Watching the MIT and their girls was wonderful. Watching the MIT and them interact was just as fun. He gets so animated with D. It was nice to see Him show off in front of people again. It was nice to see the MIT's nice side.

After they left, including the MIT, it was quiet time for me. i enjoyed setting up all my candles for light and heat during the 1 hour of lights out for the celebration of the earth, and conservation of resources. Once 8:00 came. i had already had the computer shut off, the microwave, can opener, toaster unplugged, and my candles lit to light and heat the house. It was nice in that hour. i actually used the time to meditate.

Overall, Saturday was a good day. It was a relief to reconnect with L&D. We are making plans to see each other again soon. The night was enjoyable also. The quiet and time to meditate is something i might do again next Saturday. It was a great day.

Today it is time to celebrate the MIT turning 16. i remember a time when it was hard to picture Him turning 3, or 6, or 13. To picture Him turning 16 was a far off goal. He has made it. He will be 16 tomorrow. Yes we are struggling with Him not being able to learn how to drive. Yes He is angry about it not happening. Yes it is something else He has to struggle with. We will survive it.

i can't wait for Him to see what i got Him. He is going to be really excited. i used all my income tax refund to buy Him a Nintendo DS, a case for it, and a game. He picked out His own cake, and is really excited about it. The family is getting together, as per usual, and having pizza. Tomorrow, on His actual birthday, we are going to have a small celebration of our own. We are ordering in Swiss Chalet, i am getting another cake, and we are going to sit around and watch whatever He wants.

Friday, March 28, 2008


i am having a really hard time with the MIT. His depression is really getting to me. i can't fix it. All i can do is wait for the referral to go through, and hope He survives until then. On top of the depression, is His decline in stability, ability to walk, and having more bad days than good. i am His mother. i should be able to fix it. Yeah, right, like i have a magic wand or something.

Yesterday He came home so angry from karate. He was mad because He was given His second stripe on His blue belt. You would think that was a good thing. Not for Him. He doesn't think He deserves it. His self loathing is really bad right now. He couldn't hear me tell Him how proud i was that He was using His words and not His fists. Even today He couldn't hear how proud i was of Him. Feeling pride means liking something about yourself. He doesn't have that right now.

We are back to watching Charmed. It is a nice time for us to sit and laugh and cuddle and connect. He hates Himself so much, He wants the character "Leo" to heal Him. Tonight He called Himself a "half demon". i don't know if watching Charmed is such a good idea anymore.

Yesterday was also the first time in over a month that He actually walked off the school bus. His communication book did say that He lost a side in the morning. That is every day for the last 2 months. Every day when His body lets Him down. Every day when He has to rely on His chair or someone helping Him. Easter weekend was difficult. He went full blown for most of it. His physical abilities are letting Him down, and are progressing downward. It is like watching His body die. The reality is, that is actually what is going to happen. He is going to die. i am going to outlive my son.

i don't know how to help Him, other than listen, make sure His surroundings are safe, and tell Him i am proud of Him, even when He doesn't want to hear it, or can't hear it. i just get to sit and wait it out with Him. Wait for some professional to help the two of us get to the other side.

Monday, March 24, 2008

What about Saturday

Well, as the title suggests, this post is about Saturday night. The night i actually went out to a play party. Yes i actually did go to the party. Yes i did have fun. Yes i did get played with. Yes i had a good time. Yes i am proud of myself for going.

my only issues was after the play. i ended up going home right after. It wasn't any body's fault. i just was looking for Mike after. i was looking for Him to put His hand around my face. To press my face into His hand and feel and smell His skin holding the breath from my lungs. Yes i dropped. i think that was part of the problem. i felt the need for Him to be there. He wasn't there.

i know it is something i need to get used to. i know it will take time. i am not giving up on me. i just know i couldn't hang around there any longer, waiting for Him to come up to me and make sure i was ok, or watch over me, or keep me from breathing, or rub my ass and enjoy how warm it was. i just couldn't stay there feeling like that. So i came home. i squeezed my face into His pillow. i wrapped my arms around Splotchy. i cried because i miss Him. And then i went to sleep.

Friday, March 21, 2008

A long Thursday

Yes it was a long day. It all started at 5:30 am and didn't stop until 11:30 pm.

First it was getting the MIT off to school. Then groceries. No big deal. Just an hour out of my life i can never get back. Then it was time to shower and get dressed professionally. Meeting at the school. Meeting with my therapist. Home to the MIT. Then He was off to a pot luck dinner at church (Maunday Thursday). Then, i did something i haven't done in a very long time.

i went to the Hamilton Mixer all by myself.

i am really proud of myself. i went at the beginning and didn't leave until after 10:00. i talked to people i hadn't met before. i talked to people i haven't seen in a long time. i enjoyed myself. i am also proud with the way i handled the arrival of the two people, that really made my life miserable after Mike died. i felt my heart beat faster, and my breathing increase, but then i just breathed deep, and continued my night. i didn't go up to them, and i didn't avoid them on purpose. i just pretended they weren't there. They left before i did. i am really proud of the fact that i didn't panic and that i didn't run out of there, letting them take away a great night.

So yeah. i am proud of myself. i am proud i did everything i had to yesterday. i am proud i handled the meeting at the school. i am proud i went to therapy after. i am proud i went out last night.

This is me smiling and glowing

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

38 and more

i am now 38 years old. Well, officially i turned 38 yesterday. i had a good birthday.

Sunday was the family get together. i got all the seasons of Charmed. i got money. i got a necklace. i got an Eeyore with a star, and another Eeyore mug. The mug and little stuffed Eeyore were from the MIT. my Mom said He picked it out all by Himself. The money was good. It was enough for the MIT and i to go out to dinner last night. Charmed, well, the MIT and i are back to watching it again, every chance we get.

Yesterday was the dinner with the MIT at the Mandarin. He didn't eat much. He only had a bowl of soup and 2 special drinks. One red (strawberry freeze) and one green (lemon and lime freeze). i, of course, ate from the buffet. Luckily i read everything before picking it to add to my plate. They had a dish called cashew shrimp. Nope, didn't have any. Didn't even have the either of the dishes beside it. i just couldn't take the chance.

Today is the anniversary of when Mike was diagnosed with lung cancer. It is weird how much i missed Him yesterday. i kept expecting a card, or for Him to show up with flowers. i went with how bad i was missing Him, and you know what? i am ok today. i am not depressed. i am not in a hiding mood. i am ok.

Tomorrow i take the MIT to His therapist. The doctor has made a referral to a psychiatrist. His depressing has been suppressed all these years, but it is still there, and time to make something happen.

Thursday is therapy day. It is also a meeting at the school day. i will be able to fit them both in. That isn't the problem. Actually i can't think of a problem with it. It will be nice to talk to Sandy after the meeting. A way of getting my frustrations out without turning them towards anyone, or anything. Then again, getting mad does help with the house cleaning.

Thursday night i am going to the Hamilton Mixer. i haven't been there in ages. i was scared of going because of who i might run into (L&A). i am not scared anymore. They can't hurt me more than Mike's death did. They are nothings.

Saturday i am going to Endorphins. Yes i am actually going to a party. Again, i haven't been there in ages. i just have no idea what to wear. i feel like going out and buying something new. i won't. i will wear something i like. i know i will probably get a bit of a spanking from one person. We will see how that goes. Apparently i owe her LOL. Or is it that she owes me. Either way, i will be making the most of the night.

Ok, off to get some actual sleep. The MIT had a noisy night.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Today, and tomorrow

Today it is 4 years since i started to journal/blog online. i haven't moved most of my posts from my old blog yet. i don't know if i will. i started blogging on blogger, to hide from people after Mike's death. i didn't want them to follow me. i have stopped hiding. i have shown where my blog is, if people are really interested in finding it. i am not hiding this blog. i am living it.

Today is the celebration of my upcoming birthday with my family. Today at 3:00, i will be at my parent's house, opening presents, eating cake (no chocolate), thanking my parents, my Nana, my son, and my Sis. Today i will be eating sweet and sour meatballs with rice.

Today is the last day of my alone weekend. Today i pickup the MIT and we are back to normal. Today i have caught up on all my sleep. Today i feel better than i did in the past week. Today i have figured out that the loss of Leslie doesn't change how i look at the MIT. i still see Him as a success. i still see Him as talented. i still see all His accomplishments. i will continue to see Him accomplish many things. He is growing up, and i will continue to enjoy that. i will also enjoy each moment in His life, so that when He dies, i will have happy, pleasant, and pride-filled memories.

Tomorrow is my actual birthday. The MIT and i were going to go out for dinner. That isn't going to happen. i have $40 to my name, need to buy gas, need to get some groceries and probably some smoke. The $40 has to last me until the 20th. Like that is going to happen. But it must, so no special dinner for just the MIT and i on my actual birthday. i will be turning 38.

Tomorrow the MIT is back at school, and i can get more sleep. Tomorrow life gets back to our old routine. Tomorrow my "normal" returns.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Still processing

i am still processing the death of Leslie, and why it is throwing me for such a loop. i guess the idea that i will outlive my child (forgoing car accident, death by illness or anything like that). It is hard to wrap my head around, even though i have had to continually process the idea for his entire life.

The MIT and i talked about His funeral again. We talked about how He isn't going to die until He is 200. We talked about how everyone will be made to wear a red top and green pants. There will be no balloons or flowers, He hates those. There will be rap music. He wants Mike Myers to be there, dressed like Shrek and "Fat B", combined. We talked about me crying, and being more upset about His dying than Mike's (He needed to hear that), because i have known Him longer. We talked about who else He wants to be there. We talked about His now wanting a "big box" rather than a "little box". He even knows who He wants to do the service.

The talk was done in a light manner. He kept asking how old i would be when He dies at 200 (222 for the record), and how old everyone else would be.

He is so fascinated by the idea that in heaven, He won't have AHC anymore. How it would be so much better than now. i won't let Him read the announcement or any of the other emails because of this. People keep sending their condolences and saying how much better it is for Leslie since she won't be suffering any more. i just don't see that as being the MIT.
Yes He struggles, and yes He gets frustrated, but He isn't suffering. He is living. He is thriving. He is exploring His world more. He is showing His need for Independence more.

This weekend, He is going to respite. i will have 2 nights of sleep. i need this weekend to ponder and process. i need this time to figure out how Leslie's death is really making me feel. i need this time to really look at my expectations for the MIT over the next few years. i need this time to decide if i want to start "fixing" the MIT, so He can be here longer, or if i just deal with one crisis at a time, and live each day for itself. Processing is the key to this weekend.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Another one dead

This entry deserves a space of its own, so that is why i am posting it now.

Another "kid" with AHC has died. She was the oldest living person with AHC. She was 44 years old. She had a sever seizure, that left her unconscious until she died. Her body lived 1 week after the seizure, never waking up. She was from Montreal. She was what all parents of kids with AHC had looked to as a "bright light" and a chance at a future for our kids. She is gone now.

i never met her. Either has the MIT. It still feels like someone in our family has died.

A pat on the back for me

i actually turned down meeting someone next weekend, because i have already made plans. i am proud of myself. Especially after the reaction i got when i said no.

It is one thing for someone to say that they want to play with you, meet you, spend time with you, and can see it being a more than once thing. It is another thing to then say, when turned down for another commitment, that they won't be able to even consider meeting me, until late June / early July. Hmm, lets look at this. They want to meet me on the 22nd, and they want to be able to see me again, but they won't be available until after summer has started to do that. i don't think so.

Yes i would have liked to have set up a meeting with this someone. Yes he intrigued me. No, i am not cancelling my plans. No, i am not going to drop everything to meet someone i have never met before over people i have known much longer.

Pout all you want. Try to make me feel guilty. It isn't going to work, and i am not going to let my integrity be challenged for someone i don't really know.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

March Break

i am back to not getting much sleep. The MIT has been off school since Friday. i did have a break Saturday night (thanks Mom and Dad), but that is it. Yesterday i made sure i had stuff to do around the house so i could keep myself up. Dishes, laundry, easy cleaning stuff. Today has been the same. i can't remember the last time i did dishes 2 days in a row, along with laundry 2 days in a row. Everything is caught up. Hopefully i will dirty some dishes between now and tomorrow, so i can look forward to doing that.

i did get some happy news yesterday. my summer is looking up. Well, it was. Then i got to remembering. Remembering and looking through pictures. i have to keep reminding myself that remembering is ok. It isn't the end of the world. Lack of sleep and remembering sucks. i know i have pictures somewhere from 2003, and 2002. i just can't find them. i want them. i want to look at them and remember more. i just can't find them. i didn't have a digital back then. He did. i don't have a CD of His that has those memories on them. i remember having my film camera back then. i thought i had taken pictures with that camera. i can't find them. Maybe the film is lost. i can't remember that part.

i am stuck in memory mode, with the MIT home and His being bored all the time. i am broke since buying His birthday gift. i still haven't had a chance to get together with my friends to clear up the misunderstanding. i am feeling very stuck.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Being OK is actually OK

Today was therapy day. It was a good session. When Sandy asked how i was, i came right out and said that i was OK. i am getting used to being OK. i am dreading a time when i am not so OK, but i am enjoying being OK right now. Sandy is happy for me. She also understands that i am prepared for not being OK. She assured me that i do have the tools for when i am not OK. That was nice to hear.

We talked about how i didn't get depressed over being lied to by some guy. i didn't get depressed over the issues surrounding the MIT and school, or His cutting. i didn't get manic either. i didn't hurt myself. i cleaned. i danced around the house. i was OK.

We also talked about the MIT. Guess what. She agrees He is depressed, and wants me to push His seeing a psychiatrist. Duh. He has been depressed for a number of years. He hates Himself. The new acting out (cutting and hitting Himself) are just a progression of His depression. i had already decided to push His seeing someone more than just His Beth. Stuff is getting to the point that i don't think she can handle it. It was nice hearing Sandy back me up in how i have been feeling about the MIT. She also reassured me that with the tools that i have, i am doing the best for my son.

Right now it is snowing. i am enjoying watching it fall. It keeps flipping from giant, fluffy flakes, to the small, drizzly kind. i know a lot of people are sick of the snow and miss the sun. i have been getting my sun when it is out. i stand out side, basking in it. i open all my blinds and let it shine in the windows. i am also surrounding myself with flowers of the spring. Tulips on my alter. A pot of daffodil bulbs on my kitchen table. i have been keeping my green stuff healthy. All 4 plants on my file cabinet. 2 plants on my desk. 2 plants above my TV. 4 plants in my kitchen. i feel better when i am surrounded by green and colour.

i am also looking forward to the MIT's 16th birthday. i got my income tax back, and i am going to splurge and get Him a Nintendo DS. i had thought about a Wii, but i doubt He would play it as much as the DS. i am also looking forward to my birthday. The MIT has decided that we are going to the Mandarin for my birthday dinner. i know He has already gotten my gift. He did it when i was at therapy. It will be a good time.

Soon to be 38, and still counting. That is remarkable in its own right, considering how suicidal i have been.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Keeping busy

So, i am trying not to eat when i shouldn't. i am having trouble not eating once i eat a meal. After lunch has been really hard. i am craving chocolate, cake, sweets, meat, cheese, food, food, and more food. i could so go out to the store, even now, to just buy chips, or chocolate, or anything at this point. So i am trying to keep busy instead.

Shovelling has been done. Dishes have been done. Laundry is being done. Vacuuming of the MIT's room has been done. Tidying my room has been done. i am now out of things to do.

i can't go lie down, since the MIT is home. That is my other avenue to keep me from eating. Sleeping. Reading makes me want to snack. Even sitting here makes me want to chow down on something.

i got the munchies, and nothing but will power to fight it.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Still not depressed or manic

i know i have said this before, but it still amazes me. i feel....centered. Things are just copacetic.

i am taking all my meds on time. It feels good to have been doing it for a full month without forgetting. my sticker idea is working. 2 more weeks, and they say it becomes a habit. i will still be keeping up with the stickers in my day planner. It makes my planner look really nice, and pretty, and cool. i really like doing it.

i have been eating better. Well, i was until the weekend. i binged on chinese food and chocolate. It is hard to get back to eating healthier after that. The urges from the meds makes it more difficult. i am craving more food after i have actually eaten. i still struggle with making myself eat, but once food hits my mouth, i want to keep eating until i feel sick from being over full. i really hate this struggle. i have been taking my blood sugars more. They are really showing when i binge.

The drama with Sir_Tony_47 hasn't finished yet. He keeps messaging me on yahoo. If it wasn't so pathetic it would be funny. Apparently the woman i contacted from alt, that he told me was his ex, isn't his ex, and now i have caused trouble between him and her. Ooooops :)

Well, the MIT is now off to school. Time for me to actually get some sleep.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

The Conclusion of Sir_T_47

No, i am not afraid of posting his profile name, so that is it. i did "talk" to him on yahoo last night. i tried to get more information off of him. He was planning on still attending tonight, until i poked and poked and poked. i tried to have him tell me his know, for safety sake and tit-for-tat sake. Nope, wouldn't do it. Red light. Just prior to that, he kept asking me if people would hear me if we played. Turns out he has, in his words, been arrested for assault after playing with a woman and the neighbours calling the cops. That happened about a year ago, and he got 12 weekends (so he says) in jail over it. Yeah, big red light there.

So, after consulting my back-up, we decided that i could shut down the facade and tell him what i did know.
  • i did know he wasn't the "t" he professed to be.
  • i did know he wasn't with the woman he said he was with
  • i did know the reason he hung up on me when i asked the length of his relationship with above mentioned woman, because he didn't know the answer
  • i did know that he lied to me
  • i did know he wouldn't give me his address
  • i did know he wouldn't give me his last name
He did say that he had actually attended camp. If that is true, i am curious as to which one. Before i could ask that, he logged off yahoo.

i will be safe tonight. That is not an issue. Tonight i will be safely locked in my house, with my alarm on, and not answering the door to anyone.

Live and learn. And stop being so eager!!! But damn it, i want to play!!!

(edit : i had contacted and they have now removed Sir_T_47 for abusing thier guide lines. Sometimes it is good to be a strong minded submissive)