Wednesday, February 28, 2007
It hurts to swallow any of my meds. It hurts to swallow what i want to drink. It just plain hurts. i would love to just crawl back into bed and sleep.
Instead, i have got to go and get my health card renewed. It is that time of year again. i also have to get the MIT's renewed. i also have to finish up some paperwork for the government today. So here is my plan
go hop in the shower and go get E so we can both get our health cards
depending on time, go and get D so the three of us can go to aquafit
drop everyone off at their homes
go to Staples and price a new printer
maybe buy a new printer
come home and work on government stuff
finish government stuff
go to post government stuff
pickup diet pepsi
come home again
MIT comes home
entertain MIT until nurse gets here
crawl into bed as soon as the nurse gets here
Ok, there is my plan. Guess we will see how it goes. i just so hate being sick
Monday, February 26, 2007
i could complain about the little things. i could bitch about the hotel not living up to the standards that the website proclaimed. i could bitch about some of the meals we had. i could bitch about how i didn't get a new bra because the place that i went didn't carry long enough chest straps, and they couldn't find a place to sent me. None of which is important anymore.
The best things.
Tuesday we ordered in room service. Oh my god. The breakfast was bigger than we thought. It may not have been actually worth the amount it cost, but the MIT loved it. He loved the idea of sitting in bed, eating breakfast that someone brought to us, and watching the TV. That was basically all that we did during the day. It took until the early evening before we got the MIT out of the room. That was the when the trip really started to get fun. Taking the MIT to Time Square and Him enjoying the giant Toys R Us was the greatest. He got Himself a talking Yoda, and Edge (from the WWE). i got pictures of Him in front of the large Ferris wheel. i got pictures of the store. He had fun. Sure He lost both sides, but it didn't matter. He was happy. After that, we headed to the Planet Hollywood. We had a good meal (even though 2 of us were sick). The drink i had was fabulous. The MIT had Mac and Cheese. The waitress was great. When i told her about this trip being the MIT's wish trip, she took extra special care of us. She even gave the MIT a plastic shark, and showed us there Goldmember's, and Dr. Evil's costumes were. The MIT had his picture taken with both. That was our Tuesday.
Wednesday we took it easy during the day. We just hung out in the hotel room until it was time to go down and meet Sami. Well, after we had room service again. Sami was our greeter from the Make-A-Wish foundation, and he was accompanying us to meet Mike Myers. The MIT took to him right away. Sami was a holocaust survivor. He always felt out of place because he was to young to be a "grown" survivor, and to old to be a child survivor. He and the MIT talked about his experiences, and about New York as a whole. He did want to show us more of the city, but Sis and i were just not healthy enough to do it. Plus the MIT kept up with "not wanting to do anything".
The meeting with Mike Myers went really well. We met him at the Soho Grand. We actually met him in a room that Eminem had stayed in. We were in one of the four penthouse rooms. The view was incredible, and the balcony was larger than my living room. Sami and the MIT spent a bit of alone time up there. It was really sweet. When Mike Myers showed up, he introduced himself as Mike. That was it. Mike. He shook each of our hands, and then sat down with the MIT. The MIT was so shell shocked that He couldn't actually think of any questions He could ask. Sami took over a bit and asked a number of questions, and the MIT gave me permission to talk about Him to "Mike". We spent about two hours with the Canadian. He commented on how nice it was to hear the word "sorry" pronounced as Canadians do. We talked about why he likes living in New York, when the last time he was back in Canada, how he still plays hockey, and then gossiped about Britney Spears, and a little about Vern (Mini-Me) and he told us about Danna Carvey's health problems. He filled us in on a few of his next projects, and what he is writing now. It was a great meeting. The MIT smiled for hours after. We went straight back to the hotel after that. Sis and i were just too tired and ill to do much else. i think Sami was disappointed with that, but not the MIT. He was excited about us actually ordering in a pizza.
Now, E comes from Jersey. She knows New York. She recommended a pizza place, that the concierge even knew. It was so funny. What she didn't tell us, was how big the pizza in New York really is. One of our extra larges, is one of their larges. Not knowing this, and wanting one extra large, i ordered 2 larges. We had enough pizza for dinner that night, plus breakfast the next morning, plus an extra pizza that we had to throw out. Wednesday night, i headed out on my own again. i visited the HBO store, and the American Girl Store. The HBO store was great. The American Girl Store was a disappointment. Basically a "Build-a-bear" store but with premade dolls, with different hair colours and styles, that you could dress, or dress like them.
Thursday we decided to actually do what the Make-A-Wish foundation had set up for us. We visited the Empire State Building. Now that was fun. i even went up. me, scared of heights went up, and actually looked down. After that we went shopping. We hit F. A. O. Schwarzs. The MIT actually "danced" on the piano like Tom Hanks did. We saw giant Lego figures of Darth Vader, Hagrid, and Chewbaca. We then went to the coolest Apple store. The entrance was magical. The MIT loved listening to all the different iPods. If we would have let Him, we would have stayed for hours. Instead, Sis hailed a cab and we headed back to the room. We ended up having a junk food dinner, and watching a pay-per-view movie. It was a great way to spend out last night.
Friday was leaving day. We had another great room service meal. We showered, packed, and got dressed and checked out. The time to checkout was 2 hours before the time we were to be picked up and taken to the airport. We took that 2 hours to go for lunch at McDonald's, and get souvenirs. The MIT and i took pictures of the hotel. We took pictures of each other. We spent some time together, liking each other a bit, and complaining to each other that we didn't want to go home just yet. The 2 hours passed quicker than we thought. We got into our limo and headed off to the airport. We were delayed by an hour, but that was a good thing. By the time the plane got there, the staff of the airlines had bumped us up to first class. The MIT got the royal treatment on the flight. The pilot announced that the MIT was on the plane and that it was the end of His wish, and that we were heading home. The staff on the plane gave the MIT a flight chart signed by each of them. The steward kept feeding Him heated cookies. He had a blast.
Overall, i was happy to get home. i finally had a bed to myself, and didn't have to fight anyone for covers. The MIT had a great trip, and has lots of memories. i have lots of pictures of those memories.
i am sad though, that it is over. It kind of feels like there isn't anything next. That we are now in a holding pattern, waiting for the end to come. What else is there for Him to look forward to? i know, morbid thoughts.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Ok, i guess i am saying i want a vacation.
The week has been good. i have lots of pictures, and may even post some. i have lots of stuff to report about what we did and how much fun we had. i will do all that when we get home. Right now, though, i am gmoing to go and entertain the MIT and wait for room service to arrive
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Last night, P and E came over for a little bit. They stayed for dinner and went home to celebrate Valentine's day. They are such a cute couple. i am glad they came over when they did. It gave me a push to clean the bathroom and the living room a little bit.
i have got to get a few last minute things done today. Stuff i just haven't been motivated (and really still am not motivated) to get for the trip, and to make sure bread is in the house for when we come home on Friday. So, right after the race starts (the first Nascar race of the season), and they have driven at least 10 laps, i will be heading out of the house to get the stuff i need. Once the MIT gets home, i will have laundry and packing, while He sleeps. i will also have to be up at midnight to make sure He gets His antibiotic. i just can't find the motivation to get out of the house. At least i have clothes on now. i still haven't done much of the cleaning i wanted to get done that i had thought i wanted. i am not going to worry about it. If i get the packing done, i will be fine. Anything else will be gravy.
About the trip. Well, the MIT has finally started getting excited. He is looking forward to watching American television. He is wanting to eat McDonald's every day for lunch (it is His dream we are fulfilling). He is acting nervous about the trip a little. Mainly about the flight, but i think He is feeding off how i feel.
i am trying to get my head around the "go with the flow" and "it isn't up to me to impress the people from Make-a-Wish" and "it is ok to ask for help" and to say yes if people offer us stuff. That is hard for me. i told the therapist on Friday that these are obviously lessons i need to learn more quickly, or else it wouldn't be hitting me all at once. i am going to learn these lessons. i am even going to enjoy myself on this trip. i am going not stress out about little things. i have come to the conclusion that if all the MIT wants to do is watch TV the entire time we are in New York, then we will get lots of pictures of that, and not sweat it. my Sis and i can take turns going out and seeing the sights.
Mom just called. She is getting excited about the trip, as is my Dad. They are starting to get on my Sis's mood. Thank goodness i live here and not there. i can imagine how much pushing she is taking about getting laundry done, getting packing done, making sure she has everything. At least i can just sit here, decide when i am leaving and say no to my Mom coming over to make sure i get everything done.
So, no post tomorrow morning. Maybe i will post a few days during the week since my Sis is bringing her laptop. i will be taking lots of pictures, and may post a few here. i hope everyone has a great week.
signing off for now
Saturday, February 17, 2007
my Sis is treating me to a manicure and pedicure. We are also supposed to critic the place we are going. That will be fun. Especially since i have been spoiled by one of the best estiticians in the world (hi E)
i need to pickup bread and pop for when we return. The bread will go in the freezer, and the pop will stay in the fridge. There has to be certain foods available for the first night back.
i need to pickup rechargeable batteries, tampons, and a new bra for the trip. The 2 bras i have are nasty. i want one that isn't so bad.
The MIT is now on antibiotics. He has a pretty good sinus infection, and we want to clear it up fast.
i have made an appointment in New York, for a bra specialist. It is one they use on What Not to Wear. It is booked for Tuesday morning. i have been told by my Mom that i am to get at least 2. i just really want one that accentuates my boobs, and one that looks pretty, with underwear to match. i have never had a matching set. i want a matching set.
Other than that, i have 2 friends that have offered to come over. i had put an email out asking for more, but not everyone could make it on such short notice. i just want to be able to relax tonight. Maybe i will even ask if i can get caned. i have been having that itch for the last few weeks. i would love to be able to sit on the plane with a sore ass. i know it would calm me for at least a little while.
Well, that is all. There is a large amount of dishes for the nurse that never shows up, and that never listens to me. She should be here soon. Then it is off to the shower for me, getting ready to go and get my toes and fingers done.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Thursday - This day was spent trying to cash the cheque for the expenses. It took my Sister and i 4 hours, and lots of phone calls to get it done. There was a problem with who signed it, and the bank not having that person on the signature card. It finally got done and i was finally able to breath.
Thursday night - E and i needed a night out. We needed to get away from kids, and actually interact with grown-ups. So off we went to the Social/Mixer. It was nice. We met a new person. It was very interesting. It didn't talk and didn't "have a face" as it was wearing a latex mask, gloves, and clothes that covered its skin. It answered questions with a clip board. The night was otherwise calm. Well, i did cause a bit of trouble. i called someone by their real name even though they don't want to be called it. i got confrontational when a "Dom" called me a "subbie", and he apologized. It was fun.
Today - this morning i have a doctor's appointment. Soon. After that, time to relax. Later it will be therapy time again. i am not dreading it. i am not excited about it. i am kind of indifferent today. i have to much other stuff to think about. Laundry, packing, dishes, cleaning. Just alot of other stuff on my brain to fill that feeling spot right now. Plus, there are only 3 more sleeps before we get on a plane to New York. i am getting really excited. So is the MIT.
Anyways, off to start the day and get more ready than i am.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
P&E - i have known you both for 8 years (?). You have watched me grow. You have helped me grow. You have both been there to support me in everything i have done, even when it wasn't the smartest thing for me to do (remember the biter?) i know i have taken you for granted, and i hope to remedy that. i love you both. i walk around with your wisdom and words of encouragement in my head and know that no matter what i do, you will be there for me.
L&D - one i have known longer than the other, but as a pair, you are unimaginably wonderful. You have been there to listen to me, to help me cry, to bring me back up when i needed during this past (almost) year. i am glad to have gotten to know you both better, and cherish the support you have given, and hope you will continue to give. i love you both, and hope to keep you in my life for a very long time.
CB - although we have known each other for a long time, i still feel like i don't know you. i haven't put myself out to you as much as i should. i know you are there for me, and i hope in the future i can show that i am there for you. You can dress me anytime you want. We need to set up a special shopping day. You have a great fashion sense, and can always find a deal. i love you and hope to prove it more in the years to come.
D - You are my other mother. i still have the card you sent me even before meeting me. You are someone i look up to, especially now. i love you and your being in my life. You can play with my boobies any time.
H - You scared me when i first met you. Your stance, your height, your demeanour. i have learned of the fuzzy teddy bear that is inside you and love you for letting me get to know that side of you better. Your hugs are genuine, and comforting. i love you and am glad you are in my life.
Mom - i complain about you all the time. i get frustrated with you more often than not. You are a great power in my life, and i am glad i was born to you. i know i take you for granted at times, and for that i am sorry. You deserve more credit than i give you. You have helped me in raising the MIT, in keeping me sane, and financially. i love you, even when you drive me crazy.
Dad - i have always felt uneasy around you. Not knowing when i have pleased you or made you proud. When you stood up for me the other day, it was a wonderful feeling. i have always loved you and will always love you. Your passions (well at least Nascar) have become my passions. You have influenced my life in more ways than you know. You have taught me patience, dirty jokes, and how to make the best out of a really bad situation. i love you Dad.
Sis - my rock for the last year. You have been my secret support in all things. You listen to me complain, and don't try to fix it. You get blamed for things i do. You never get enough credit. You are the best sister anyone could have, and i am glad we have become more like friends as we have grown older. i love you
Mike - Even though You are not here anymore, i still carry with me parts of You. i still carry around the confidence You helped me build. i still see construction sites like i never did before. i can hear Your words in my head when i start to get down on myself. i am glad You finally felt more comfortable about Your whole self. i wish there had been more time to watch You grown to Your full potential. i will always love You and miss You.
That is all i can think of for now. i know some of the people i have written to won't ever see this. i also know i needed to say it. You are all positive people in my life and i am glad to know each and every one of you.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
We are trapped in the house today. The snow at my door is higher than my knees. i know i am going to have to shovel. It is sad when a plow can't even make it threw all the snow in the survey. More snow is falling. Stores are closed. Services are cancelled. The city is shut down. It is really cool when you think about it. But to someone that has stuff to do, and a trip to plan for, it is really scary.
i feel like i have so much stuff to get done before we leave. Today does not feel like a day i should be stuck in the house, with no place to go, and nothing to get done. It feels like i should be up to my ears errands, chores and panic. At least i do not feel the panic. This is one of those days i have been telling the MIT about for years.
The big storms of my childhood. The stories of us and our neighbours going out and having show fights while the grownups try to shovel. Memories of everyone in the area helping each other out. i wish i was a kid again, and liked playing in the snow. i wish i had snow pants and could go out without worrying about feeling cold. Lots of hot chocolate would be had. OK, shovelling doesn't sound so bad anymore. Shovel, get hot chocolate, get exercise, and get to make a path from my front door to my van.
So, for today.....
- shovel walkway
- pack some clothes in luggage
- clean the bathroom
- do dishes
- vacuum the living room
- finish puzzle
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
The weather has changed here. It is now January. Lots of snow. The snow that has been sitting south or north is now here. Sure it will make driving around a little difficult, but i am one of those weird people that like the snow. Plus, most of my running around has been done. i only have to go out for a few things today. my Mom will be looking after the MIT during that time.
- take back MIT's pants
- pick up my hemmed pants
- fold and put clean laundry away
- clean the bathroom
- do dishes
- gather clothes and start packing
Not to stressful stuff. Stuff i can get done without worrying about the weather too much. Stuff that needs to be done. Stuff to keep me from going crazy. After today, there isn't much i HAVE to get done. It will all be packing, cleaning, and doing little things for me because they will make me feel better. i really want to get my eyebrows waxed before i go.
OK, time to feed the Monster.
Monday, February 12, 2007
As far as what i had to get done yesterday, i did most. i still have a few things from yesterday to do today, but it will all depend on timing. That and lots of tea, chicken noodle soup, and vitamin C's.
Stuff To Do
- pickup meds
- take back MIT pants
- get gas
- gather and put clothes and stuff into luggage
Not that big a list. i can even take the MIT out for that short amount of time. Not a big deal at all. i doubt the MIT will be able to go to school tomorrow. i will have to figure out what was scheduled for Tuesday and maybe work some of it in today. i will have to think about it.
On with my day.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
To Do Sunday
- Shower and dress
- go to Day/night (drop of script and drug card)
- go to Value Village (take back pants for MIT
- go to Alterations (pickup pants, drop off pants)
- go to Food Basics (get pop)
- go to Mom and Dad's (dinner)
- go to Day/night (pickup script)
- come home
i am anxious and nervous and feel like i have too much stuff to do. i know i really don't, but i feel like i do. i just have to keep everything in perspective. i have lots of clean laundry to put away. i can do that in between the time to go to Mom and Dad's, and the time i am done running around. i am getting my luggage today, so i can start piling all the clean clothes i want to take with me in it. i have got to keep up on the laundry this week, so i am not stuck doing it all in one day.
Stuff i have already done is i have gotten books for me to read while away. i have gotten 4 pairs of pants hemmed (get to pick them up today). i have taken down the Christmas stuff. i have all the dishes done. i have all the laundry clean. i have my room pretty tidied.
i still have alot i want to get done. i want the MIT's room to be clean, i want all the floors to be cleaned. i want all the dishes done. i want to make sure the house is clean enough that when we return home, there isn't stuff for me to worry about, other than laundry and unpacking. That is my hope for this week. To get everything ready for the trip, and have the house nice for when we return.
OK. Time for my shower and to get moving.
Friday, February 09, 2007
1) Didn't go to aquafit at all
2) Only showered 2 times
3) Only drank all my water 2 times
4) Only cooked once
5) Ate after 8 each night
6) Did get dressed 4 times, but wore scrubs each time
7) Did go out 4 times
8) Did moisturize 5 times
9) Did do one foot procedure
i don't know why i fell back into my hiding place. i didn't try to fight it either. i went with the flow of wanting to just be at home and veg out. Next week will be filled with anxious energy, stress filled days, and worry. This isn't me giving power to the words, this is just me knowing that i am already feeling that way, and i still have no control over going away, and know how i am.
So, stuff to strive for this week
1) Shower 4 times this week
2) Get dressed 4 times this week
3) Drink 64 ounces of water each day
4) Go out 4 times this week
5) Moisturize 2 times each day
6) Gather together the clothes i want to take with me on the trip
7) Take my pants in to be hemmed
8) Find more red tops for the MIT
9) Gather together the clothes for the MIT for the trip
10) Gather together the other stuff for the trip
11) Wait for the "package" from Make-a-Wish
12) Go to Aquafit to relieve stress 2 times this week
13) Take Christmas stuff into the basement and out of the living room
14) Clean the house so it is nice to return home to
OK, it sounds like a lot of things, but i can do them all. i just have to keep myself busy and concentrate on what i want to do and can do, and stuff that doesn't get done means it wasn't all that important to me. i can already see a few things on the list i may not get done. No sweat though. i just have to learn to go with the flow
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
The weekend was fun. i got to go to E's place and help P make her blush. i got to spend the night at L & D's place. Auntie L surprised me with a lovely, snugly, pink robe. i spent most of Sunday, and yesterday in it. It is like being held by a big teddy bear. It is so soft. i don't like taking it off. i have worn it to bed both nights.
On the Make-A-Wish front, i know where we are staying. i have looked at things that my sister and i can do either with the MIT or alone. i have found places i want to shop at. i have found places i want to take pictures of. i have negotiated with the MIT that He does not want to go to any plays (i had thought i had talked Him into Mama Mia, but i was wrong). He does want to see if He can be booked into any tapings of TV shows. Specifically the View (don't ask me why, i have no clue). i am feeling a bit better in control, now that i have done some research on what i want to do while there. i will also be borrowing my Nana's luggage. That way, i don't have to worry about fitting all of my stuff into my one bag, or even all of the MIT's stuff with it. i am thinking of packing an extra bag for stuff we buy while visiting.
i don't know how to get back on track yet. i will think on it today. That, or i will be playing Webkins all day.
Friday, February 02, 2007
i survived, and actually thrived during the munch last night. i wore pants. i feel more assertive in pants. i feel more in control. Add my boots and i am down right confident. Well, outside my head. i find i pull off a more confident air, and can let myself act more of a bitch in those clothes. i confronted someone, out of spite, about the cookie swap back in December. It felt good. Really good. Listening to her spout off an excuse, thinking i would just accept it since she is a "Dom". me? i had to have the last word. That is just who i am. (she didn't answer any of my emails pertaining to the swap and said she didn't get them, and that she figured i would get a hold of her. NO thought on her getting a hold of me. She is "Dom") i also met new people. i joined their table, along with E. They were interesting people. It was nice to see new faces, and even 2 old faces. i think the two slings i had helped the situation allot.
This week i hit most of my goals. Considering i set more goals for this week over last week makes me feel good. i think i will add another goal to this week. i am just not sure which one. The hardest goals i had this week, was no eating after 8pm, and cooking Saturday and Sunday. that one i totally sucked those. For the no eating after 8, i was able to do it Saturday and Sunday night. The cooking Saturday and Sunday (and Monday) was trashed because i ordered in on Saturday (can't afford that) and then the celebratory dinner at my parent's house on Sunday. i did cook lunches every day. i think that counters the not cooking dinner those days.
Today is visiting the doctor's (to see how much i have gained) and then to therapy. i hope that today isn't going to be to stressful. i am kind of needing a "no drama" day. Likely won't happen. i will probably end up crying and wishing i could change everything. i am getting used to that.
Next week, i start aquafit with E and her mom D. We are going to go on Mondays and Wednesdays. Moving is always good, and having something to do during the day when the MIT is at school is a good idea for me. My sister is going to be giving me some money later this coming week, so i can go shopping for some things to wear to New York. (i have gained weight and the jeans L gave me, which are my favourite, don't fit anymore)
So, goals for this coming week (starting on Saturday)
1) shower 4 times (this week i managed 5 in total)
2) get dressed 4 times but wear scrubs only 1 time. (this week i managed every day this week)
3) drink 64 oz of water each day
4) cook dinner 3 times this week (either just for me, or for me and the MIT)
5) go out 4 times (other than aquafit)
6) no eating after 8:00 pm
7) moisturize my feet, hands, arms and legs 2 times each day
extras) aquafit 2 times, 2 foot procedures, find swimsuit, take the Christmas stuff down to the basement (i need it out of the living room. i really do)
i have to say, the sticker system is working for me. i like all the stickers i have and am using them wisely. And i am going to keep them all in a binder so i can keep an eye on my progress.
Ok, great. my printer just died.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Tonight i am headed out to the Hamilton Munch. i am nervous and scared. i don't like many of the people who go to this munch. i am especially scared of running into a couple that i had a dispute with back when Mike first died.
Tonight i am wearing Mike's calogne. i needed to smell Him again, and what better way than to smell like Him. It is calming me a bit. Not as much as i need, but enough for right now. Going to this munch always reminds me of Him. This is the one He always made it to, even if i couldn't. This is the munch that He enjoyed the most. E is going with me. i don't know if P will be there. i guess i will see. i am not looking forward to going. Not even the food. i know what Mike would order. He would have either the burger, or the fish and chips. i am just hoping to make it to the other side without completely loosing my composure.
i had thought the MIT didn't get on the bus until 8:30, and not the usual 7:30, so i didn't wake Him up until 7:00. i had to rush Him to get dressed and force fed Him a peanut butter sandwich. We stood at the door, waiting for His bus. And we waited. And we waited. Finally, i called the bus company, and guess what. No school for the MIT today!
He is thrilled. me, not so much. So here we are. Home together again. me with running around to do. Him sitting comfortably on the couch. i had wanted to go look at clothes. i had wanted to just watch MY TV shows. i have got to get groceries today. i am going to have to drag Him out of the house to get groceries. This not having food for His lunches and for quick dinners for me is not right.
Wish me luck (whine)