Friday, December 31, 2010

Bringing in 2011

Normally, I do up a sort of recount of my resolutions from last year, and list new ones.  I am not going to do that this year.  There is too much going on.  There is too much in my head right now to even think about it.

My Godfather/Uncle died on the 28th.  His funeral is on the 3rd.  I am sad and full of regret.  I have learned that regret and guilt are two different emotions.  Regret I can handle.  Guilt, leads to shame and I don't want/need that.

I have actually decided to go out tonight to a house party to hear a friend play with his band.  This will be the first NYE I have ever gone "out" to.  Yes I spent NYE with E, P, C, T, and D a few years ago, but no getting drunk and hitting on young men that year.  It was a stay in the house kind of event.  This year is different.  Oh yeah, and I am getting dressed for it.  Fancy top, and new jeans.  I am going to show off my new size. I am going to show off my boobs.  I am actually looking forward to this.  What to wear is laid out. Schedule has been made up so I do not forget to do anything.  I will actually be wearing a bit of makeup to this thing. 

I am going to be jumping in with both feet, to distract myself from what will be happening on Sunday and Mondays. This is called Opposite Emotion.  Yes, another DBT thingy. 

Next year is all about learning more about emotions, DBT thingies, not binging (and loosing weight because of it), not drinking to much, and just being healthier in mind and body. 

Happy New Years to all.

Monday, December 06, 2010

Having a regret day

Today, all I feel is regret.  Regret about how I have been living with myself the last couple of months.

I have been drinking a lot and have been lying about it.  Every weekend I make excuses to myself about why it is ok for me to drink.  Some weekends I don't.  Most weekends I do.  I drink enough to down a horse or more, but only end up staying awake, without a hang over to even make me think.  I drink enough to get me to a point where I don't feel inhibited with flirting, especially with guys I wouldn't think would go home with me.

I have been having sex a lot, and unsafe (but not in the STD way) partners.  I have been craving pain, and getting it from strangers.  I have been finding those young ones that enjoy choking.  I don't know how it happens, but it does.  Last weekend, I brought home a 27 year old that enjoyed choking.  I have been on an internet web site to get guys.  I have ended up inviting guys I just talked to over, because I know we will have sex. 

I have not been worried about my safety.  I just don't care right now.  I don't care if someone I pick-up will hurt me or kill me or rob me blind.  I just don't care.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

December 1st and hoping for a better time than last year.

Last year, I started getting the symptoms, of what turned out to be, Conversion Disorder.  The stress was so much, that my brain told my body to stop  working properly.  My brain wanted me to pay attention to the fact that I was stressed, and had reached my breaking point, without me going completely insane. 

This year, things are different.  This year I am in special therapy.  This year, my family knows better.  This year, I have a coping plan.  This year, I actually feel relaxed about everything.  This year, I am looking forward, and not backwards.

I am "dating" more.  I am actually putting myself out there, to others.  I am opening up about how I feel and not just trying to block it all.  I am meditating more.  I am "in the moment" more.  I am just more.  I like it.

Sure finances suck.  Sure I have to cut back on who I can give gifts to, and how much I can spend.  Sure I could use more help around the house.  Really, none of these things are anything to loose my head over. 

Today I am decorating my house for the season.  My altar is all green and ready.  I want to go out and get holly and mistletoe sprigs.  I want to go and get my wreaths for my doors.  I am ready to decorate limes, lemons, and oranges.  I just want to enjoy this season, and just be one with it. 

Today I am smiling

Sunday, November 14, 2010

To Write Love On Her Arm

 "To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

To Write Love On Her Arms Day is a day where anyone can write the words love on their arms, to support those who are fighting against depression and those who are trying to recovering. On this day, just write love on your arms, and show it off, other people will ask why you have love written on your arms, and you tell them you are supporting to write love on her arms day, and how its benefiting a non profit organization helping stop depression, and make love the movement ♥ "

As someone that suffers from depression, post traumatic stress disorder, and borderline personality disorder, this is definitely something close to my heart.  I have addiction issues, and self-injury issues.  Yes I am working on them, but that is me.  Some just can't at this point in their lives.  For those, and for myself, This is something I will be participating in every year.  Especially now that I know about it. 
On November 12-13th write love on yours arms, and upload pictures here to show your support
Here are my pictures:

My arm

My Sis's arm

Posted late because I couldn't get the pictures up.

Monday, November 08, 2010

A month gone by....

Therapy is going well.  I am getting along with the group and learning more and more skills.  My individual therapy is also going well.  Karen and I are now moving to the point where I get to experience an emotion, for a controlled amount of time, and discuss how it felt.  It is hard getting used to opening myself up like that.  Unlike with Sandy, I trust Karen to not let me get away with going "intellectual" when I need to be emotional.

It seems I have mastered a number of the main skills.  My favourite is One Mindfully.  It is like meditating on what I am doing without any outward distractions.  Even putting laundry away is different with this skill.  Another is called Self Sooth.  Having a bath with oils or bubbles.  Doing my nails.  Having a cup of tea.  All these are self soothing things that can bring me back down to a peaceful space.  I like learning this stuff.  I didn't think I would, but I really am.

I am still seeing my puppy.  He is fun.  He is a distraction.  He is safe. 

The MIT is still, slowly, moving backwards.  He is getting more and more unstable.  Pictures are going to have to come down soon, so none get broken as He stumbles into the walls.  His health has also diminished.  He has been sick since the middles of September, and can't seem to shake what He has.  Since He has been so sick, so have I.

Right now, my health sucks.  I have a bad cough, and can't seem to shake it.  Tomorrow is the doctor's to see if my chest has cleared up, or gotten worse. 

Samhain was nice.  I hung bones in my tree.  I did what I wanted to do.  I served a good dinner.  I am sad I celebrated alone.  The MIT wasn't even here for it.  I did it for me.  I enjoyed it.  I enjoyed preparing for the night.  I enjoyed writing my regrets and burning them.  I enjoyed forgiving myself, and letting things go. 

Tonight I can say that things are good.  I am content.

Thursday, September 30, 2010


Yes it has been a while.  Things have been....different.  I am not sure I like it all.

The DBT is bringing up emotions I am used to stuffing down in that dark space, where they can't come out and bother me.  Now that they are coming out, I am having panic attacks.  Lots of them.  Normally, I would cut or drink or something to help stuff the emotions away.  Promising not to do that anymore, means the feelings are exploding.  So, I am picking the lesser of all the evils.  I have been picking up men.  I called that young pup from back in May that I liked.  He came over  and we had 2 great nights of sex.  I haven't called him since. 

Right now, I am good.  I have closed off that part of me, and the emotions are no longer boiling over.  I feel normal again. 

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Panic and therapy

Today was therapy day.  Therapy with Karen, and not Sandy.  Friday I say goodbye to Sandy.  Today was a day to go over what behaviour is life threatening, and that I really need to stop.  We talked.  I cried.  I figured out how to fill out the daily diary cards.  I found out the rules of the group.  I left.

As I was leaving, I started to hyperventilate.  I walked back to Karen's office.  I cried, and hid in the corner.  She ran and got me an ice pack. I couldn't breath.  I couldn't pull it together.  I couldn't even talk.  I remember Karen asking me if I was having a flash back and me shaking my head.  I remember her asking me if I was having a panic attack, and croaking out a "don't know".  By the time she got back, I had gotten myself together enough to be able to talk. She told me to put the ice pack on my nose and mouth (a sensation change), and asked what I could see in the room, then what I could hear.  I know the technique she was using.  I know how to use it.  For me, it is an avoidance.  She said to use the word divergence. 

So I made it home ok.  Have been ok since.  I didn't eat dinner.  I just couldn't.  I wasn't hungry.  I did snack on TJ's dinner. 

Tomorrow, my nurse comes to change my dressing.  It is also the first day this week, without something to do all day.  That will be fun.  I already have a bunch of stuff listed that I want/need to get done.

OK, as you can see, I am still really shaken up.  I can't seem to concentrate on anything.  TV is oblivious.  Sitting and just smoking seems to be all I can do.  Thinking is out of the question.  Hence why this post is so all over the place.  Sorry about that.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

What a group

Today was my first DBT group session.  I was so nervous, I was awake at 5:30, and pacing by 8:00.  I didn't know what to expect.  I didn't know what to take.  I was in pain and tired.

It really wasn't all that bad.  The group is all women.  There is homework to be done.  There was a lot of talking and answering questions.  I talked a lot more than I thought I would.  I guess I got the smarts to do all this, I just have to find the motivation and gumption to actually use the techniques to help myself. 

After group, I had a bit of time by myself.  I found out I was going to have a nurse for me for the next little while.  Wound management.  Someone to pull out the stuffing (sorry, packing) out of the hole in my groin, and then, without freezing, stuffing the hole back up again.  The nurse I had today was quite nice.  I will probably have a new one Thursday. 

Right now, I am exhausted.  I have been up since 5:30, and plan on getting up at that early morning time for the rest of the week.  This gives me some quiet time to myself before TJ gets up, and helps my body get used to the school schedule.  Once 11 comes around, and I take my antibiotic, I am heading to bed. 

Oh yeah.  My sugars have been normal all day, and I know I have lost some more weight

Monday, August 30, 2010

ER visit, and tomorrow

Tonight, I had to go to the ER.  I spiked a fever today, and ended up ignoring TJ and slept most of the day.  When I was finally ok enough to get up and moving, I fed TJ and myself, called the doctor on call, and then headed to the hospital.

The cyst I had (my second in 2 weeks and third in 2 months) turned into an abses.  Yuck. Yuck and painful.  I wasn't at the hospital too long, and they took good care of me.  Considering how nervous I am about tomorrow, I think my body gave me something to worry about instead of the morning.

Tomorrow is my first group DBT session.  The fist one out of 52.  I am really really scared.  OK, scared is not the right answer.  Nervous.  Very nervous.  I have no idea what to expect.  I know there will be a mindfulness exercise first.  I know how to "act" with that.  It is the rest of the stuff I am nervous about.  The new people.  How many people. 

With the pain distracting me, I think I will have enough to keep my mind more calm tomorrow.

I have also started reading my Wicca books again.  I know parts of the therapy include beliefs in a "higher power" and it is time I get back in touch with mine.  So, reading, and walking barefoot in my backyard, at any time in the day, are my starter points. 

Time to go to bed so I am up to my best, as much of my best I can be,

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Life goes on

Yesterday, I drove Joseph part way to the bus station, before he pissed me off even more, because he lied to me again.

Last weekend, I caught Joseph in a really big lie.  Money related, manipulative, bald face lie.  I gave him another chance.  Saturday, he lied again.  It was a stupid, little lie, but still a lie.  One that cost me money again.  Was totally disrespectful.  I realized he wasn't worth my respect, time, love or anything.  I told him to put on his shoes and that he was going home.  On the way to the bus station, he said that it was my fault that TJ was going to be upset.  That I was causing TJ pain because I was breaking up with Joseph.  That was when I pulled over and kicked him out of the car, and didn't care how he got home at that point.

Today, I am proud of myself.  I stood up for myself.  I decided I deserve more than being lied to.  I decided I deserve more than just someone who says they love me, verses someone that shows me they love and respect me.  That is how much I have come to love myself.  How much I like myself. 

I cooked up a bunch of meat, and now have meals ready for over a week.  I did go out and buy a cake, but came home and threw it out before having any. (Yay to not doing maladaptive behaviour!!!) I have gotten down to almost what I weighed when I got out of hospital back in March.  I am going to keep going that way.  It makes my back feel better when I am lighter.  That and the prepared meals, and I am good to go. 

I am proud of myself.  I am happy.  I don't need anyone else in my life, and am not going to look for it anymore.  If someone falls into my lap, and they treat me the way I deserve, than maybe I will consider it.  Until then, I am holding my head high.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

So much for a plan

So, yeah.  I haven't posted in almost a week.  Things have been ok.  Not great.  Good. 

I am feeling.....I really don't know.  Sick.  That is for sure. 

I may not post tomorrow, and definitely not on the weekend.  Joseph will be here for the weekend, and I will be busy. 

So, sucky post. 

Thursday, August 19, 2010

On the day and on time

Today was not such a good day.  So many things were happening.  Most were just in my head.  Doesn't matter, it was still too much.

TJ was full blown most of today.  That is stressful enough.  Add in his shallow breathing, and his not having any "grownup" doctors and not knowing what hospital they would take him to, if I had to call 911.  Add not having guardianship.  Add dishes filling my sink.  Add financial stuff.  All equals an overwhelmed me. 

I called my Mom for help, when I was at my worst.  Problem is, I haven't gotten much better.  I didn't do any of the yucky behaviour.  I even turned away food (food I shouldn't have).  Even now, I am feeling like nothing is going right.  Just feel like everything, and I mean everything, is on my shoulders. 

Right now I am sitting here, crying for no reason.  Crying because...hell, I don't even know why.  Just plain crying.  I guess it is a buildup of emotions that I have no control over.  Maybe I shouldn't have any control over them.  Maybe I should just let them out.  Maybe that will help.

Doesn't matter now.  Time to go to bed. 

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

On a streak

Hey, a post about today, actually posted today.  I am proud of myself.  Then again, I don't have much to say.  I am getting tired.  Tired of always being on the lookout for how I am feeling.  Tired of always trying to keep my calm, and deal with how I feel.  Maybe I am just hiding how I feel with all this being conscious about what I am doing.

Off to bed.  Tomorrow nights post should be much better.

Sleep sounds good right now.

Tuesday roundup

So yesterday was a good day.  TJ and I spent some quality time together.  I didn't hear from Joseph, so I knew something was wrong.  I gave myself a pampering by sitting out back, music blaring while reading my book.  I am actually happy.

It has been a good week actually.  Less frustration.  Less back pain.  Less maladaptive behaviour.  Good all around good week.  I keep living each moment at a time.It is as if, since meeting with the DBT therapist, I have been really conscious about my actions.  Especially where TJ and Joseph are concerned. 

With TJ, it is a big daily change.  No yelling at him.  I breath when I get frustrated.  I turn my frustration into jokes or compromises.  I take the time to sit and talk with him.  We sit quietly watching shows and then talking during the commercials. 

With Joseph, it is about communication.  I talk about how I feel when he doesn't call me during the day.  How I feel like he forgets about me, or is scared of talking to me when things go too good or too bad.  I hear him when he tells me stuff, and have yet to pull the "It is your fault for not saying anything", instead of taking responsibility for my actions. 

With family, I am still struggling.  Karen and I had talked about "radically accepting" the fact that Cindy and TJ communicate in a weird, kind of bickering, way.  Mom and TJ are no better.  Thelma is also one I need to act that way with.  I can't change how they all act towards one another.  It is not my job to fix them, so I need to let it go.  I am still learning.  At least I haven't done anything to harm myself or my relationships.

I am keeping my altar nice.  I still haven't written in my BOS.  I haven't really done any meditation, or candle work or anything.  My beliefs are always in my mind, but I can't seem to bring myself to practice, or pray even.  It is like I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now it is about getting better.  Getting the tools to keep myself sane and out of the hospital. 

Joseph and I are doing well.  We have hit the 2 month mark (actually we hit if on Sunday).  We love each other and are learning more and more about each other each day.  We are each working on this relationship AS a relationship, and not just dating. We are taking the time to hear each other out.  We are accepting each other's faults, and even music.  We are taking care of each other.  Me teaching him about his finances, and him helping me stay on my meal plan.  The amount of food he leaves cooked when he leaves is astounding.  this is a give and take relationship, not a give and give or take and take relationship. 

So today, I am happy, TJ is happy, and Joseph is happy.  Things are good. I am smiling.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Not feeling good at all

I went to bed early and sick.  I woke up late and sick.  Seems like I may have the flu.  "Runny poops", nausea, stiff muscles, head ache, sweats and chills with an over all feeling of sick.  My Sis is the one that said it sounds like the flu.  All I know is that I feel like crap and wish I could just stay in bed and sleep whatever this is off.  Then again, I am a Mom, so that is impossible. Sis helped by bringing TJ over breakfast.  Now I am up, and trying not to toss cookies.  I have a sink full of dishes and a few things to cook up today.  Other than that, I am going to take it easy as much as possible.  TJ is helping out with that as much as he can. 

The weekend went well.  Joseph and I went for drives.  He cooked for me.  He made sure I actually ate, and have food left over for the week.  I have BBQ'ed ribs, chicken and steak ready to be heated up and eaten.  I am well prepared for the week ahead, if only I actually didn't look at food and heave.  LOL.

He will be back this weekend.  Arriving on Friday and leaving early on Sunday.  Sunday we are celebrating Sis's birthday, and she doesn't want him there.  I understand.  Her birthday is about her and not my boyfriend meeting more family.

Wicca and therapy were brush away for the weekend.  Most of the time was spent enjoying each moment.  On walks I would find little things that I wanted to keep to remind me about the time outside.  I got a few rocks, and an interesting "flower".  They are now on my alter.  A symbol of the season and of what I am drawn too. 

Hopefully I will feel better soon.  I will do the dishes.  I will cook up the mushrooms and onions.  I will, no matter how I feel today, be the good Mom and do what needs to be done. 

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Skipped a day and the rest of the weekend

Friday was good, and not so good.  Good was the way TJ and I interacted and played and joked and just enjoyed each other.  Good was Joseph coming for the weekend, eating home BBQed ribs and going for a drive.

Not so good was telling Sandy what happened to me when I was around 17 years old.  It had been my homework from Karen.  I did as I was asked.  I got lost in time as I was talking to Sandy.  I did a lot of talking and crying.  Sandy got into the "why" I would have felt like I did.  How could I answer that?  I still don't know why I thought I deserved to be treated so badly or why I still question if I deserve to be treated nicely.  I couldn't answer all that.  I wanted to just run away after telling her all about it.  I felt shame and yucky.

What I am proud of is I didn't do any of the maladaptive behaviour.  I did not yell at TJ at all.  I did not take any extra meds.  I did not stuff my face with chocolate. I did not do anything that would hurt me in any way.  I am very proud of myself that I found other ways to deal with the panic and stress I was feeling.  Heck, I even watched Dr. Oz.  I never watch that show.  Guess what they were talking about.  Stress. 

Over all, Friday was good.  One little blip, but that will turn out good soon too.  For the rest of the weekend, I am going to be spending time with Joseph and relaxing and enjoying being cooked for, and having the dishes done. 

We are off for a drive.  Bye until Sunday night.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Up early in the morning

Since I was up, and I just realized I hadn't done an entry for yesterday, I thought now would be a good time.

Yesterday was good.  I went to the doctor, for my usual bi-weekly appointment.  Blood pressure, very good.  Weight, down a bit.  Back pain, new drugs.  Other than that, all is good with my body.  Just wish my back pain would go away.

TJ and I had a good day.  Quiet times around the house.  If I felt my temper or voice rising, I would take a deep breath and make things playful.  Changed channels on him just because.  Made my voice and what we were doing into a joke.  I kept things light and ended up not yelling at him at all. 

Then, as I was getting ready for bed, my anxiety rose.  Today I am supposed to tell Sandy about the PTSD symptoms, and tell her the incident that caused them.  I am not looking forward to that.  I feel that it is one of the reasons I am up at this time of day. 

So, to keep calm, and not panic, I am doing a load of laundry so TJ has clothes for when he goes to Rygiel House this weekend.  I am taking naps, so I am not so tired.  I am planning my courses of action for today so when the anxiety rises, I don't do any of my maladaptive behaviour.  This is called IMPROVE the moment.

IMPROVE stands for

Imagery - imagine hurtful emotions draining out of you like water out of a pipe as you breath deeply

Meaning - fine the purpose in this pain, like telling Sandy so we can treat the symptoms

Prayer - go outside and commune with nature works with me.  Opening myself up by asking the Goddess and God to help bear the pain

Relaxation - having a cup of herbal tea and breathing deeply when ever I get the chance.  Breath while in the shower or out back.  Relax my muscles in the shower.

One thing in the moment - focus on what I am doing while I am doing it.  Be mindful of what I am doing.  Don't start thinking of what I am going to speak to Sandy about

Vacation - take mini breaks like going out back and reading (my oasis).

Encourage - cheer myself on with telling myself that I can do this.  I lived this physically, it is now time to live it out loud.  Make a plan and tell myself how good of a plan it is and that it will all work out.

So, for me herbal tea in the morning instead of caffine (caffine raises anxiety).  Taking time outs and going out back for a breather (waiting 1 min before having a smoke).  Putting laundry away.  Packing TJ's bags and wheelchair up, for when he goes to Rygiel.  Telling my self that I can do this without anything extra in my system (sugar, pills, etc).  Going out back to read. Maybe do my nails while Sis is here. 

So that is what I am going to do later today.  Time to change over the laundry and go back to bed for a few hours. 

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Things move forward.

So today was therapy day.  Karen and I had made a deal about me showing up with just my prescribed amount of pain killers in my system.  I kept that deal.  I also took her what happened last night and this morning.  She was very proud of me.  We also followed her game plan about doing a "behavioural chain".

A behavioural chain is when you examine what led to doing your maladaptive behaviour.  So we studied what I did last week.  Taking the extra Perc.  After studying why I did it, as in what lead up to it, we problem solved what I could have done differently and what I could do next time.  I didn't understand all of it, but I have the basic idea. 

My "homework" (DBT is big on homework) is to do a behaviour chain each time I do some maladaptive behaviour.  It could be as bad as taking extra pills, to just yelling at TJ, to just as simple as scratching my arm to inflict pain.  That and I am to tell Sandy about my past and symptoms of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).

Today was a good therapy day.  I didn't even pick-up chocolate at the drugstore when I went and picked-up my meds I had on order.  Today is a very good day.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


It just dawned on me, as I was doing the dishes, that I hadn't explained what ACCEPTS is (see, can't even settle doing dishes).

In DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy), they use a lot of acronyms.  ACCEPTS is one of them.  It is to be used when you are in the middle of an "attack", to keep you from doing the maladaptive (not good) behaviour.  For me, right now, the attack is panic attack, where normally, I would over eat, have a drink, cut, or pop a pill.  So, instead of that, to get me over the panic attack without using those behaviours, I use ACCEPTS.

ACCEPTS stands for

Activity - doing something with my hands and body. This could involve house work, exercise, colouring, typing on the computer.  Just doing something.

Contribute - Search for stuff to give to other people who need stuff more than yourself. 

Compare - (this one I can't really do) Think of someone worse off than yourself and realize things aren't that bad

Emotion - Use opposite emotion to make you feel better.  I could put on calming music for right now, trying to bring out the opposite to what I am feeling right now.

Pushing away - I still don't understand this one.

Thoughts - I still don't understand this one.

Sensations -  I still don't understand this one.

As you can see, I still have a lot to learn.  So for right now, I am going to do the activities.  Dishes, maybe walk to the drug store to pick up some meds that I ordered yesterday, anything so I don't pop a pill, cut or eat everything in the house.

Plodding forward

TJ and I have had a good day.  We watched TV.  We had cuddle time.  We told each other jokes.  It was a nice day together.  Right now he is at karate.  Quiet time for me.  The nurse will be here when he returns. She will take care of giving him a bath and such.  I guess I should be happy and relaxing, but NOPE.  Instead I am antsy. 

I am having a hard time just even sitting here is difficult.  Concentrating on typing this is difficult (this bit should be part of my therapy and how I am doing section LOL).  I don't want to curl up and relax.  I don't want to go out back and read with candles and relax.  I keep wanting to move and pace and just feel jittery.  I guess it is time to invoke some of my little DBT training.  Also, I should write how I am feeling for tomorrow when I meet up with Karen.

Joseph has called twice.  He can be so cute.  Today he wanted to hear he was right.  Right about something called the OST.  He was, and I admitted it.  He also called to let me know I was right about something.  It is really cute the way we act.  If this was someone else's relationship, I would be saying that the way we are acting was so sweet it was giving me a tooth ache.

I didn't get to writing down my Beltane ritual.  I guess I have been feeling this way more than just now.  I just couldn't sit down and do it.  I got out my BOS.  I lit some candles.  I just couldn't put pen to paper.  Tonight is not the night to do it.  Not unless I can calm myself down. 

Off to try to calm down.  Find a settled down place in side myself.  Time to use ACCEPTS.  Time to do the dishes.  Time to find a way to settle. 

Monday, August 09, 2010

Going to try this once a day thing.

So yes.  I am going to try "writing" here once a day.  I will cover family / relationships, wicca, and therapy.  I will cover each of these things each day.  There will be other stuff, but those are going to be the beginning of each post.  So, here we go.

TJ (formally MIT) and I are having a nice quiet day.  Well, quiet in the sense that he is busy watching TV and I am busy doing cleaning and thinking and stuff.  Basically, daily keeping up with chores.  I am also missing Joseph.  It is nice missing him, but I really, really do miss him.  He brings smiles to my face just like TJ does.  Both do silly little things, just to make me smile.  TJ is doing the same thing today.  Doing silly things just to make me smile.  I am a very lucky woman right now.

I need to update my BOS.  I haven't written my rituals since Beltane.  I have kept a record of them, but I would like them to be secure in my BOS.  I need to just sit down, in the quiet, with my candles lit around me and take the time to write in my BOS.  That is something I really need to do.

I haven't had any ill thoughts.  Not lately.  I am struggling with not taking certain meds when I really don't need them.  I am going to try to pull myself off of them.  I will let my therapist know how I am doing with it.  Actually, both therapists.  I see both of them this week.  One on Wednesday and one on Friday.  I know the session on Wednesday will be a tough one.  I really don't want to go to it sober in any way shape or form.  I will.  I made a promise and I will keep it.  I will show up there sober and probably in a lot of pain (my back).  I will listen to her, and I will participate in the conversation and learning. 

Other than all that?  My back still hurts.  I am actually eating 3 times a day.  I am taking my meds 4 times each day.  I am cooking what is in the house, and not ordering in on the credit card.  Next step is to get back to some sort of exercise to work on my back and my core.  Weight loss is not my goal.  Getting out of pain definitely is. 

Time for "regular" TV and time on the couch with TJ.  Maybe he and I will go out to Hewitt's for some ice cream. 

Sunday, August 08, 2010

A change in this journal

3 things are going to be changing in this journal.

1st - This is now a journal about my "normal" relationship, family, friends, and how the three are meeting each other and how my life is becoming more full.

2nd - More Pagan / Wicca enteries. More about my beliefs and how I express them. More pictures of my altar and my gardens.

3rd - My new therapy. A lot of entries about DBT will be coming up as I change therapists and learn new ways of dealing with my stressors and such.

I hope that those who already follow my thoughts, continue to. I also hope that others will join in reading about my life, my beliefs and my experiences.

Welcome to Ljouney's Travels, the continuing saga of my life.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

New Therapist

Today I met Karen. She might become my new DBT therapist. Right now we are "dating" to see if we are a good fit.

I like her. She is not full of bullshit. She is upfront of what she expects of me. She is upfront of what she can not tolerate. She is upfront with what we are going to be working on, and how we are to communicate. She is also someone with a great sense of humour.

I know there will be times when I will hate her. I know there will be times I won't want to see her. I know that the commitment I am going to be making to the DBT therapy is a big one. I know I can make that commitment. I have already made a commitment to her. I will never again show up on more medication than I have been prescribed.

Yes I did show up today with an extra Percocet in my system, and I was honest about it. I will never do that again. She wants to meet the real me, not the drugged me. No matter how much I want to justify that the extra drug actually shows the real me, it isn't true.

So, I have committed to doing the therapy. I have committed to showing up without any "extra" help. For now, I will continue with both Karen and Sandy, until Karen's schedule and client list can accommodate me. Then, I will only be seeing Karen for a year, plus a little few months of supportive therapy, while I move back to being Sandy's client again.

I like this plan.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Moving along

Things are moving along nicely. The relationship with Joseph is a good one. It is equal. It is comforting. It is passionate. This weekend we are moving the relationship forward. The MIT and Joseph are going to meet.

The MIT will never be "ready" to meet Joseph, but the MIT is showing signs that it is going to be ok. No more interrupting me on the phone when Joseph and I are talking to each other. No more complaining when I speak about Joseph with Sis. No more blocking His ears when I talk to Him about Joseph. So, it is time.

This Friday, Joseph will be coming after the MIT leaves for Karate. That will give Joseph and I a few hours alone together. Once the MIT comes home, we will have about an hour, where the MIT is allowed to just go to his room, or even sit and be with Joseph and I. Saturday, the MIT is aware that Joseph will be here, but the usual Saturday morning schedule is still in place. He knows that Joseph and I will probably be going out. That gives Him time alone with the nurse. Joseph and I will be back in time for the MIT to go to my parents.

That is the extent of them meeting each other for now. Soon we will move to include Sunday nights and part of Mondays. Not too soon, but yes soon.

We are going at a nice pace. One that isn't too fast, and isn't too slow. Just moving at our own pace that is working well for us.

I love being with this man.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Happy Early Morning

He is asleep in my bed. I am up because of heartburn. I am too happy to go to sleep. I am just plain happy.

I got a late anniversary gift on Friday. It is a ring. A simple silver band. Some might call it a wedding band, as that is its style. He says it is a "for right now" ring. For me, it is so much. For the two of us, it is a promise. Not of marriage. Not of moving in together. A promise to take one day at a time, and hope it turns into a lifetime.

He calls me BooBoo or Honey Boo or just plain Baby. I call him Shnookums or Nemo. I have never called someone by a pet name before. Well, not unless you call Sir or Master a pet name.

This weekend, we have gone to St. Jacobs and got smoked pork chops. We BBQ together. We played Crazy Eights. We played Rummy. We watched some golf. We sat outside on the back patio and talked and had dinner. We snuggled on the couch with no noise. We did dishes together. We had sex. Lots and lots of sex. We talked about how it isn't all about him, and how it isn't all about me. We talked about how it is about us. We talked silly. We talked serious. We sat in silence. He napped and I read. We have done a lot with very little.

Neither of us want him to leave tonight. That isn't a choice right now. Not until he meets the MIT. He isn't ready for that. He wants us to be very solid before that happens. I agree with him. The MIT is getting used to the idea. He isn't liking it to much, but he is getting used to it. He is getting used to the idea that I have someone in my life. He doesn't like it very much. He wants me all to himself, but is getting used to the idea that Mom has a boyfriend.

I am happy. I am in love. I feel safe around Joseph. I feel special with Joseph. He worries about me eating, so he cooks for me. He worries about my taking my meds, and will sometimes remind me. He worries I don't eat well when he isn't here. He smiles when he is here. He can't stay in a bad Toronto mood very long after he gets here. He can be so goofy at times. I love him.

So welcome to a new chapter in my travels. I have woken up, and am moving forward. I am enjoying this leg of my journey.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

It has been a long time

It has been a very long time. Not really into updating everything since May, but here are a few things I want to record.

I am in a relationship with a man who is completely vanilla. Yes. Completely vanilla. His name is Joseph. We have been seeing each other for over a month. He lives in Toronto and I live here in Hamilton. He hasn't met the MIT yet, but that is going to happen really soon. As for now, he comes here on the weekend when the MIT is away.

I am happy. I am happy with him. I am sad on Sundays when he has to leave, but I get over it pretty quickly, because I know I will be seeing him again after a bunch of sleeps. That and he calls every day.

OK. That is really all I wanted to say today.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Hard Hitting

This weekend, the anniversary, has hit me hard. So hard I had a breakdown at therapy. Big breakdown.

I cried and cried. I can't understand how I could miss someone who actually treated me like an extra. Yes I have said He never treated me as such, but in reality, that is exactly how He treated me. He had His wife. He had His Mistress. He had others. I never said boo. I never said stop. I tried to understand. I excused His lying. I excused His bullshit. I excused everything, just so I could be with Him. How could I let someone treat me that way. As an extra. Not someone worthy of the truth, respect, and attention I actually deserved. What I deserve now.

Yesterday, I took down his pictures. I cleaned out his drawer. I kept some things, threw others away, and gave away a few. I want him out of my thoughts. Out of my memories. Out of my feelings. I know it is unrealistic. I know he will always be a part of me. 6 1/2 years is a long time to be with someone. For this weekend, I just want to not feel so bad. Too bad I can't control that.

Today is about not doing the "maladaptive" behaviour. No cutting. No over eating. No spending lots and lots of money. No drinking lots of alcohol. No sleeping the day away. It is about embracing my feelings of anger and sorrow. It is about being in the now (sometimes called mindfullness).

Today is going to be about beautifying my surroundings. "From sorrow springs growth." That is my mantra for today. I need to do it, without going out and spending a lot of money. I have already planted the front garden. I have already planted my one pot flower. The back patio has been swept.

I know I want new patio furniture. I know I want to buy lots of herbs. I know I want to buy new bird feeders. I want to buy and buy and buy. I also want to drink and drink and drink. I had one drink last night. I wanted more. The tequila is calling out to me. My credit card is calling me. My savings is calling to me. I will fight it. I will use the techniques they taught me in the hospital. I will concentrate on letting myself feel, and just enjoying the day.

Time to let sorrow bring growth.

Thursday, May 13, 2010


Who said drinking doesn't make feelings hide? Well me for one. I figured that when I am drunk, I get to feel. Not the case. Today, I am feeling it. I am feeling the loss. I am feeling the weekend coming up. I am craving drinking all the time right now. I just want to get plastered and forget what Monday is. It is funny, because just this week, I have been wanting to take down His photos from my bedroom. I have been wanting to plain avoid everything. Alcohol is a great way to avoid.

I just want to avoid the sadness for a while.

Monday, May 10, 2010


I had a kid free weekend. It was great. I dropped His wheelchair off at Rygiel about 4:30 so didn't see Him after 4:00 on Friday. I had a nice, relaxing night. I watched hockey. I watched car racing. I went to bed on time. I slept through the night. It was just so nice.

Saturday, the plan I had, was to go out with my Sis for a while, come home, have a nap, shower and change, then head out to the local bar/pub for some dinner and drinks. Sis and I went to our favourite kitchen store. Thought I would buy some things (a new tea pot and infuser for it), but decided I didn't really need them. We then headed to the LCBO. I picked up some booze and tried the BEST champagne cognac that cost $80 per bottle. We headed home, and stopped at the dollar store, and I picked-up some glasses for my liquor cabinet. Time for me to go home, so we came here, and she headed out. I ended up only having a short nap, and then followed the rest of my plan.

The plan was to go to the bar, and wait for a guy I had flirted with on a previous occasion. He usually shows up to play pool early. That part of the plan changed. I got ready, dressed up slightly, and headed out. Ordered a sandwich and fries for dinner, and did a bit of people watching, and catching up with another regular at the bar. While I was people watching, I noticed a guy walking past me, smiling. The next time he came by, he winked at me, with the same grin. I asked him a question, and...

I met a guy. Cute. Well, actually hot (not that he thinks so). He has the look of Christian Slater. Sometimes he can even sound like him. (I think that is what I am going to call him that here. Christian) He has a huge heart. Has trust issues. Younger than me by 8 years (he will be 32 later this year). Likes Nascar. Likes old heavier rock. Likes his palms being scratched and his hands rubbed. He has a great sense of humour. Does funny voices. Blushes nicely and makes me blush easily. He cuddles great and his kisses and the way he looked at me, makes my knees weak.

We came back to my house, pretty early really, and, well, fooled around almost as soon as we stepped in the room. It was nice, necking with someone, and being desired like that. No actual intercourse, although we did try (Mel thinks he is "hung like a donkey" because we had some issues with my tightness and when she called, I asked her if she had any lube early Sunday morning). Feeling skin on skin was the order of the night. That and watching the race, and hockey, but don't ask me what the results were of either. He never did orgasm. I did. Multiple times. He didn't (grin).

During the night, and the next morning, we decided to give this a go. No one night stand (hence his not getting "there"). No f**k buddies. We are actually going to slow things down and see what happens. A second date has been set for this coming Saturday. Plus plans for the long weekend were discussed, along with "eventually, maybe, we will see about, possibly" getting to the point where he will meet the MIT. We did say we were "in like" with each other.

I like how I felt the rest of Sunday (after he left) and today. I like hearing his voice in my head telling me how beautiful I am. I get that this may not be a "be all" relationship. I get that he may even cancel Saturday night (confidence fading as the hours go by). For now, I am enjoying the feeling. The remembering. The fantasizing.

I can't stop smiling LOL

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Decissions and letting go

When i was in the hospital, one of the things i had to learn, was how to let go of things i had no control over. The MIT having His abuser attend His church. People i couldn't fix. My friends father's illness. i am still learning that lesson.

i need to get guardianship over my son. If i was to do it, He would end up with a public guardian. Someone who doesn't know Him and someone i don't know. My parents made the decision that we are going to get a lawyer involved, so He won't get a public guardian. So now, instead of looking over paperwork, filling out forms, stressing over what will happen next, i can just sit back, do as i am told and let it go from there. Some might say i am avoiding the responsibility of doing all the work, but i am not. i still stress over not getting the guardianship in time for a medical emergency. i still stress over the cost of the lawyer. i have learned to let go of things i have no control over. Mom and Dad offering to pay for the lawyer, just means i can let go of stressing over the other things. It is good.

i have decided to go to the "Intensive DBT" training. This means i loose my therapist Sandy. i have been seeing Sandy for almost 4 years. i started seeing her 4 months after Mike died. She and i work well together. Yes i will get a new therapist, but they won't know me. They won't know all the old shit i still have to deal with. They will be concentrating over the new shit and what is called "maladaptive behaviour". What i do when the bad shit rears its ugly head and how i "cope". i only made the decision after making sure i could go back to Sandy once the year is over, and i don't loose her while i am on the waiting list. We decided together, but i made the final call. So yes, i am loosing a great resource and support, but am going to be gaining techniques to deal with everyday stuff.

i have been walking almost every day. Last night i even just did laps around my survey because the MIT was alone in the house and i had to stay close by. It helps stop my over eating. It makes me feel good. It is helping my stomach shrink. i just have to remember to do it, no matter how i really feel at the moment i am supposed to be doing it. Also, i have a plan for each day of what i need to get done, and when to do it. Mornings are for cleaning or shopping or both, and afternoons are for the walk. An extra walk when i am find myself bored or have the munchies is also added to the schedule. Oh, and i also have allotted time to just sit with a cup of tea (i got my order from Steeped Teas) and read a book. It helps keep my mind busy and gives me an excuse to walk to the library every day.

So that is my update. i have made some good decisions, and have learned that letting go can be less stressful, but not stressless. Go ME!!!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Bumps in the road

i have found that sitting at the computer, is not an activity that helps me avoid "maladaptive" behaviour. It actually creates a way i eat more. my blood sugars are back up to the 20's. In less than a week, i am back to where i was in December. Not body wise, but at least eating wise. This has got to changed.

i liked how i felt with normal blood sugars. i liked not being tired all the time. i liked being able to just sit. i am not like that anymore. i am back to where i was before, and i don't like it.

Time to try other activities.

Friday, March 12, 2010


i am nervous about going to see Sandy (welcome to A - activity in Accepts). i don't know what to say to her. Heck, i have even changed my outfit twice, with a third on the way (well, maybe not). At least i have had lunch.

One big bonus about being in the hospital was managing my diabetes and loosing weight. i am wearing a shirt i wouldn't dare wear last summer because i felt it was too tight in the stomach area. Now, not even close. Plus my jeans have no muffin top going on. i won't know my actual weight until Tuesday (when i see the doctor) but i know i am less than i was before going to the hospital. Even my boobs have shrunk.

So, while i sit here waiting for my ride, here are the crisis intervention skills i have learned

A - Activity - writing in this journal or my paper journal, going for a walk, cleaning, making a cup of tea
C - Contribute - look for things to donate to others.
C - Compare - not one i am good at
E - opposite Emotions - listen to calming music, listen to a TV show that is not to stressful (something with puppies LOL)
P - Push away - tell people to go away for a while, focus on self, don't try to entertain
T - Time Out - count to 10, deep breath,
S - Sensations - cuddle something fuzzy and enjoy the sensation, taste something soothing, hold some ice, have a warm shower

These are all distractions, meant to take me to the next moment in time.

i think i will order some steeped tea and even make a cup of tea to take with me.

Awake and pondering

i have turned my feelings off again. i know i have. Things that have happened, that i should have an emotional reaction to, i just haven't. Instead, i just get rational.

In DBT, there is rational mind, emotional mind and wise mind. Rational mind is where the facts are. It is where the fact that the MIT bit me stays. It is where the fact that He asked for adivan stays. It is the fact where He has a week of 8 o'clock bedtimes stays.

Emotional mind is where your emotions dictate a response. i know i should feel some anger. i should feel some form of emotional hurt. i know i should feel something. Heck, i even know i have had an emotional reaction. i ate way to much and went to bed to forget it ever happened. i just don't feel any of it.

While in the hospital, i could touch on feeling like a bad mom, hatred towards Him, anger at His actions, and even fear for what He could do to me. Here, none of that happens.

Today is therapy day. i don't know how that will go. i don't know if Sandy will want to continue being my therapist. i don't know if she can help me feel. This i can feel about. This makes me scared, and has woken me so early in the day. This had me tossing and turning all night. This i can feel. Nothing pertaining to the MIT. Just this.

Oh yeah, i have made a decision. i am no longer hooking the MIT up to His monitor. i need the sleep. Instead, i go to bed thinking about what His death will be like, what i will have written in the news paper, what i will email to friends, and what the service will be like. Again, no feeling, just facts.

Why am i so broken?

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Away and hiding (medically hiding)

So my symptoms made it impossible for me to take care of myself. The doctor finally got me to agree to go to the hospital. That is where i have been since Feb. 1st.

First was 2 weeks at the General. They ruled out stroke, MS, brain issues, and spinal inflammation. All good to know, because any of those would have meant not being able to get better. They determined it was something called "Conversion"

Conversion is when your body manifests emotional issues. Take for the example that i have been saying no to going into the hospital for my emotional issues for quite some time. my brain finally said "screw you, you have to go get help". So, off i go to St. Joe's for some intensive therapy.

i went in to St. Joe's without being able to walk, use my arm, feel anything on my left side, and not being able to see out of my left eye, or hear out of my left ear. Tomorrow i get discharged. i can now walk, hear, see, feel the keys beneath my fingers, feel pain, hot and cold, and act like a normal person. i also know i have certain things i need to work on.

i am taking something called DBT. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It is a new way of thinking about what to do during crisis, and then taking the time to feel the emotions later. They teach mindfulness, wise mind, and ways of handling situations without avoiding them. Of course this type of behaviour therapy counts a lot on lessening stresses. Things like getting more sleep is a big one. Taking the time to feel is also a big one for me.

So far so good though. Last weekend was full of panic. This weekend, i only got panicked going to get groceries. People asking me a lot of questions is also a stresses. So is to much noise. i have the techniques to deal with these as they happen. Playing my ipod while i shopped. Taking someone with me while i shopped. Deep breathing, counting to 10 while staring at cans of soup as if i was choosing one. All ways i was able to complete my shopping and not freak out totally.

While in hospital, i had a bonus reaction. my blood sugars are under control. i just have to not fall on old habits, like eating when i am stressed, and they will stay that way.

my biggest issue to deal with is something called Radical Acceptance. It is when you deal with the pain of the reality of a situation, so you don't "wallow" in it, and the suffering of it can go away. That brought up a lot of issues surrounding Mike, TJ, and the death of others i know and am close to.

i know i am not "fixed", but i have the tools to help.

Oh, and i met quite a few "interesting" people at St. Joe's. The staff were great. my favourite nurses were Barb, Pam, Danielle, George, Steve, and Alissandra, just to name a few. The food lady (some call the "Soup Nazi") Jane was wonderful. i actually made friends with one patient. Penny. She reminds me of E. She can listen, not pass judgement, and not try to fix me, just as i can listen to her in the same way. Paul was a blessing. Michael was interesting. Crystal who i hope gets better soon. Ester who needs to find her big voice. Catherine who went to a group home and i hope learns how to share the TV.

Then there are those i am glad to be away from. Cole (who can't learn how to shut up), Christy (who believes the cops are out to get her), Maurine (who makes up being sick at the drop of a hat...she even believed she had something called Tommy Hilfiger disease), and old lady Patricia (doesn't know how to shut up if her life depended on it).

Tomorrow i get discharged. i am scared. i am worried. i am excited. i am nervous. i am ready. i worry about taking back the burden of caring for my son, and experiencing feelings again.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

After the Neurologist

i have had the week to sort of soak in what happened at the neurologist's on Monday. Sure the MIT's thing on Thursday messed up part of it, but i have absorbed enough to feel......on hold.

i didn't walk in to the appointment with any expectations but to have an assessment, and a game plan. i walked out with exactly that. i am to have a brain MRI and a spinal MRI, blood work (already done) and an EVP test followed by another appointment with him. i don't know when the MRI's are yet, but am going to be calling them to be put on the cancellation list. The sooner the better. The EVP test is on the 23rd of March (yes i said March), followed by seeing Dr. M again. So, i feel like i am on hold. Dr. M did say it could be an inflammation of the spinal column, but no for sure.

So, i am stuck. i can't drive, i can't feel my left side. my thinking is slow. my fingers don't work right. i have so many cant's, and don'ts i can't see the cans and dos. my Independence is gone. i have to count on others to drive me around for simple things like getting pop or any type of groceries. Appointments have to work around other people's schedules. i just can't get in my van and go for a drive to escape the city. i can't even go camping in my back yard, because i am unable to chop wood.

The worst part of it all, is how tired i get. i get the MIT ready for school, and do some dishes, and i need a sleep. Not a nap. A 4-5 hour sleep. i think the max i have been awake at a time has been Thursday, and that took sleeping for 16 hours of sleep as a recovery time. i don't know if it is the emotional tole to not being able to do what i need or the physical tole of doing what i need that is knocking me for a loop. i just know i am tired. Physically tired all the time.

i want an answer. i want a course of action. i want to know what to expect (oh yeah, and the doctor saying he doesn't think there will be much permanent damage didn't help). i want my damn life back.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

What is going on

i know i haven't written here in a long time. i have been away from the computer. i have been ignoring it. i haven't had the energy or need to be here. i have had a lot of things going on.

The MIT is doing good, but not. His balance is way off. He had 6 days in a row of lost muscle tone and cluster seizures. He is better now. It all happened after Christmas, but before and during New Years. He is scheduled for a day video EEG on Thursday. Hopefully the EEG will show what kind of seizures He is having, if He is having any that day. At least the last 2 days He has walked off the bus. That is progress.

He is also maturing. He had an issue with a teacher on Monday, and He came home telling me to call His resource teacher. He knew something wasn't right about the situation, and He was correct. His resource teacher is wonderful and helped Him out the next day with active solutions to what He could do next time.

Monday is the anniversary of D's death. i don't know how i actually feel about that. i am going through the same sort of memories i hold about Mike's death. Remembering what happened this day last year. What i wish i could change about last year. The guilt of not going to see her on the 9th last year. i know for E it is more difficult. i know she is trying to not set herself up for feeling anything, and maybe ignoring the whole thing, but i also know how unrealistic that is. i will be there for her. If she needs me, she will call. i will call her this weekend and check in with her. Monday, i may be no use to her. i am going to be a little busy.
Now me. Around the 5th of Dec, part of my leg went numb. Shortly after that, part of my arm went numb. Later i stubbed my toe to the point of bleeding, and i didn't feel it. Now, most of my leg and vulva are numb. At Christmas i lost some hearing . Then i lost some sight. All on my left side. i have bouts of incontinence, and not just the liquid kind. All of this adds up to me getting to see a neurologist on Monday. i haven't looked up all this stuff on the internet. i have pushed it away during the "holidays". Now, it is full in my face. There are other things. Stuff i haven't told anyone until now.

Typing is hard. i can't feel the keys with all my fingers. Spelling is hard. Not just typos. Words i know how to spell, being spelled wrong, and nothing i can do about it, but go back and retype and spell it wrong again. It usually takes me 3-4 times to type the word write. Plus it happens when i am just plain writing on paper. It is hard for me to sometimes make the words look right.

Speaking is frustrating. i can hear myself pronounce words wrong, and using the wrong word. In my brain, it isn't wrong. i only really know it is wrong when i see the look on some one's face, or they ask me what i mean. Even the MIT is correcting me.

i can't drive. i have no peripheral vision on my right side. i am scared to drive. What if something else happens. (case in point, i cut my finger on my right hand and didn't feel it when it happened) i walk into walls when i turn a corner because i didn't see where i was in relationship to the wall.

i am scared. Very very scared. Monday i will have to explain everything that is going on with my body. Monday i will have to face a neurologist about me. Monday i am worried i will be told it is nothing. Monday i am worried i will be told it is something serious. Right now, there is no "in between" for me. i can only see the answers from the doctor being all or nothing.

i am just plain scared.