Monday, July 30, 2007

week 7, countdown, and confusion

Yes, today is the start of week 7 of the MIT's summer vacation. i am loosing my steam. i am still making Him breakfast every day. i am still trying to get Him out of the house. i am over tired, and things have gotten different. Friday we found out He had a broken baby toe that i had mistaken a week before that as a dislocation. A broken toes wouldn't be a problem normally, but for Him, it means that when that side goes, and He tries to walk, He is putting ALL His weight on that one toe. This, of course, means no karate, and stumbling all over the place.

The countdown is for camp. There is 18 days until the start of camp. That doesn't mean i have 18 days until i have to be there though. The org usually goes up the night before and leaves a day later. i don't know if i can actually go up there like usual. my Mom is not cooperating. LOL. Yes it all depends on her. Then again, i can hope that my sister doesn't find a job between now and then, and she can take care of the MIT during the times i need. That would be best case senario.

This will be the second camp without Mike, and the last camp we run. It is a big loss. i am still grieving Mike, and now i get to grieve something we all built together. No, i don't have the drive to actually do more. Hell, i don't know if i have the drive to survive this one. Another one, is just not something i am looking forward to. Going to someone else's event is hard. It is like trying to replace the perfect pair of pants with something new, and having to work them in. i don't like working another event in. Hell, we don't get to work another event in. We just get to go, and bitch about how we would like it if we did it. Then again, we are good at that. Both at bitching and creating something we would enjoy. i just wish we didn't have to work so hard to do it. my dream event would be one that we organized, and found people to actually do. We would "hire" those who would fulfill our dream, and we could sit back and let it happen. Then again, we are a bunch of control freaks, so it probubly wouldn't work that way anyways.

Confusion. Let's see. i am lonely. i want sex. i don't want to be in a relationship, or expected to have sex, but i would like to actually be taken out on dates. i am not ready to open myself up to anyone, but i would like to be taken out. Wined and dined. Shown off and shown a good time. Then again, i don't want to go out. i want to stay safe. i want to stay in my own "bubble" and just be. i guess the big question is, what do i want more? Do i want sex? Do i want my bubble? Do i want to go out? Do i want to stay home? i am not sure yet. Since i don't know, it isn't time to put myself out there. When i know it, i will take the dive. Just not yet.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Thinking about His collar

Welcome to week 5 of our summer vacation. Today is our dentist appointments. The MIT gets to have a checkup and cleaning. i get to have a root canal. Yeah me. At least the meds my doctor has prescribed are good ones. Who knew Demerol came in pill form.

i have been reading a few journals lately. The talk seems to be centered around collars. i used to have a collar. It was a charm Mike gave me at the club we were working on for the DSSG. It was a fake padlock charm. The chain it was on changed 2 times. It never left my neck. i have pictures of me and Mike together, with it on my neck. i have pictures of it on me with my son. i have pictures of it on me naked. It meant the world to me. i wore it almost continually for 6 1/2 years. It came off 2 times. Once in 2005 after Mike's surgery, and once more in February of 2006. i never wore it again. It is still gone to this day. After Mike died, i never got it back. Mike's wife couldn't find it in His apartment. It wasn't in His wallet where He had put it. i still wear the chain it was last on. i wear it on my ankle. i haven't taken it off since His death.

i miss the feel of it around my neck, even now. i find myself searching for the comfort of it. i run my hands around my neck looking for it, without even thinking. Who knew a piece of jewelry could mean so much.

i guess it is the same as someone who was married and their partner dies. They still have the wedding ring. They still play with it. They hold on to it. They twist it for comfort. It is a feeling of still being a part of something bigger than themselves. That is how i think of it anyway. That the bond between Mike and i is still there, and that silly piece of jewelry is a way of holding on to Him.

i still miss Him. It is getting easier. i don't think of Him as often. At the same time, He is always in my thoughts. i guess i am getting used to Him not being around. i hate that. i feel like i should still be dressed in black (not that i ever really was) and wailing about missing Him. i get so lonely without Him sometimes. i get so lonely without that silly piece of jewelry around my neck.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

3rd week of summer vacation

So the MIT has been off school for 3 weeks. It hasn't been that hard, but it is getting harder. i am still getting up every morning and making Him a good breakfast. Mostly pancakes, but sometimes eggs and hashbrowns. He is skipping lunches, but that is probubly because of the meds He is on. Dinners have been interesting. i will think one thing is a good idea, and He lights up to my second idea. At least it is all working. i am still struggling with getting Him outside, but i will figure that out as the summer goes on.

i completed my reflexology written exam. i don't know how well i did, and i won't find out until the college mails me the results. i am not really worried about it. i am more than excited that i have completed it, and the only one in my class to do so. i am still working on doing my practicum, but it is hard with the MIT being around all the time. i have to book appointments when He isn't around, or when i have time off from Him. It will get done. i am committed to this.

Tomorrow i am starting ceramics class. It is something i have been wanting to do for a while, and it is a way for me to take care of me. It gets me out of the house, and doing something artistic. It is also cheap. i would rather be taking a pottery course, but it is too expensive. Instead i am doing this. i will be painting, fireing, glazing, and working creativly. It also means i know what everyone is getting for Christmas/Yule. LOL.

Emotionally, i am dealing. Since i am only seeing my therapist every second week now, i have to deal. i have to let my emotions out and let them go. Every night i seem to be going out to my back patio and talking to the sky, Mike, whatever-you-want-to-call-the -higher-power, or even myself. Sometimes i cry. Sometimes i laugh. Sometimes i just vent out my frustrations with life. Any way you look at it, i am having to deal with emotions as they come up. i can't just save it all up for a Friday. It gets to hard to do that.

i guess i am content. Well, today i am. Actually, right now i am. The MIT goes to karate in just over an hour. After that, i can do "me" stuff, and make myself a healthy dinner. Once the MIT comes back home, we will have some quiet time. He has an early bedtime tonight. Once He is in bed, i get to sit out back and relax. A nice day today.