Busy month and HAPPY!!!!!

OK. So a lot has gone on since the 31st of December, but I am only going to concentrate on one thing.

I GOT A DOG!!!!!!!

That is right.  I now own a dog.  A long time ago, I was allergic to dogs.  When I had an allergy test done again for a food allergy diagnosis, they also tested me for cats and dogs and a few other mundane things.  Well, the cat prick came back as sever.  So no cats for me still.  The dog test came back perfectly fine.  Now I have kept this a secret, because TJ has wanted a dog for a long time, and I wasn't ready.  He and I have talked about it more in the last year.  He has known for a little bit, that I am not allergic to dogs.

Back in October, my "friend" (not anymore, and not really for a very long while) wanted to buy a puggle (part pug and part beagle).  I drove her out to the person that was selling them, and drove the two of them home, and then went out with her to get supplies for the new puppy.  She and her family of 3 kids and a "husband", plus his 2 kids named him Charlie.

I found out on the 16th, that she was trying to sell him, and had been trying since the beginning of the year.  I was livid, and excited.  I asked my Sis her opinion, and she said no.  I asked my Dad his opinion, and he said no.  I asked my Mom her opinion, and she said yes.  My Mom actually said Yes!  I talked to Karen, and she said yes.  That was it.  I said yes.  On the 17th, I drove home after seeing Karen, stopped at my "friend's" place, asked if Charlie was still up for sale, told her I wanted him and off I was to the bank and then back to get the dog. 

After getting him (and a receipt), I started working with him.  He was a lot rowdy.  He was aggressive.  He was hard to relax.  He had long claws.  His last visit to the vet said his next appointment should have been on Dec. 29th.  He was eating yucky food.  He had been left in a cage or on the back deck.  He had never been on a walk.  He was hating the leash.  He had two collars that did nothing to do for a correction.  It turned out he was late for his last set of shots (due on the 29th, then changed to the 14th) and they never even cancelled or went to the appointment. 

Since then, he is a much happier and healthier dog.  He got a check up and his claws cut at the vet's on the 13th.  He will go to the door when he needs to pee or poo.  He knows how to sit and stay.  He is a ball of energy, and I have found 2 ways to expel this pent up energy.  I actually jog with him, or take him to my Mom and Dad's to use their backyard.  I also am doing the "doggy boot camp" the vet recommended.  He is an attention seeker, and we are curbing his choices of how to get attention.  He has run of the house when it is only me and/or TJ home.  He is on leash when Thelma is here.  He is on leash for a lot of the time when Sis is here.  Today he actually stayed off leash when my Dad came to get TJ.  Even in that excitement, he was calm and would sit when told.  He even stayed out and about when TJ went full blown and I had to sit on the floor and pay most of my attention to TJ. We still have problems with walking and him wanting to follow every scent in the world, but things are getting better. 

Since being in my home, he is a well behaved 5 month old boy.  We go for 2-3 walks a day when the MIT is not home from school. We go threw the "doggie boot camp" training at least once a day.  His treats are ice cubes in his water bowl, and cut up carrots.  When he is calm and relaxed, he gets petted and scratched.  When he breaks a rule, his is ignored for a little bit.  He is learning quickly.  He is a joy to have around.

December 1st and hoping for a better time than last year.

Last year, I started getting the symptoms, of what turned out to be, Conversion Disorder.  The stress was so much, that my brain told my body to stop  working properly.  My brain wanted me to pay attention to the fact that I was stressed, and had reached my breaking point, without me going completely insane. 

This year, things are different.  This year I am in special therapy.  This year, my family knows better.  This year, I have a coping plan.  This year, I actually feel relaxed about everything.  This year, I am looking forward, and not backwards.

I am "dating" more.  I am actually putting myself out there, to others.  I am opening up about how I feel and not just trying to block it all.  I am meditating more.  I am "in the moment" more.  I am just more.  I like it.

Sure finances suck.  Sure I have to cut back on who I can give gifts to, and how much I can spend.  Sure I could use more help around the house.  Really, none of these things are anything to loose my head over. 

Today I am decorating my house for the season.  My altar is all green and ready.  I want to go out and get holly and mistletoe sprigs.  I want to go and get my wreaths for my doors.  I am ready to decorate limes, lemons, and oranges.  I just want to enjoy this season, and just be one with it. 

Today I am smiling

Life goes on

Yesterday, I drove Joseph part way to the bus station, before he pissed me off even more, because he lied to me again.

Last weekend, I caught Joseph in a really big lie.  Money related, manipulative, bald face lie.  I gave him another chance.  Saturday, he lied again.  It was a stupid, little lie, but still a lie.  One that cost me money again.  Was totally disrespectful.  I realized he wasn't worth my respect, time, love or anything.  I told him to put on his shoes and that he was going home.  On the way to the bus station, he said that it was my fault that TJ was going to be upset.  That I was causing TJ pain because I was breaking up with Joseph.  That was when I pulled over and kicked him out of the car, and didn't care how he got home at that point.

Today, I am proud of myself.  I stood up for myself.  I decided I deserve more than being lied to.  I decided I deserve more than just someone who says they love me, verses someone that shows me they love and respect me.  That is how much I have come to love myself.  How much I like myself. 

I cooked up a bunch of meat, and now have meals ready for over a week.  I did go out and buy a cake, but came home and threw it out before having any. (Yay to not doing maladaptive behaviour!!!) I have gotten down to almost what I weighed when I got out of hospital back in March.  I am going to keep going that way.  It makes my back feel better when I am lighter.  That and the prepared meals, and I am good to go. 

I am proud of myself.  I am happy.  I don't need anyone else in my life, and am not going to look for it anymore.  If someone falls into my lap, and they treat me the way I deserve, than maybe I will consider it.  Until then, I am holding my head high.

Tuesday roundup

So yesterday was a good day.  TJ and I spent some quality time together.  I didn't hear from Joseph, so I knew something was wrong.  I gave myself a pampering by sitting out back, music blaring while reading my book.  I am actually happy.

It has been a good week actually.  Less frustration.  Less back pain.  Less maladaptive behaviour.  Good all around good week.  I keep living each moment at a time.It is as if, since meeting with the DBT therapist, I have been really conscious about my actions.  Especially where TJ and Joseph are concerned. 

With TJ, it is a big daily change.  No yelling at him.  I breath when I get frustrated.  I turn my frustration into jokes or compromises.  I take the time to sit and talk with him.  We sit quietly watching shows and then talking during the commercials. 

With Joseph, it is about communication.  I talk about how I feel when he doesn't call me during the day.  How I feel like he forgets about me, or is scared of talking to me when things go too good or too bad.  I hear him when he tells me stuff, and have yet to pull the "It is your fault for not saying anything", instead of taking responsibility for my actions. 

With family, I am still struggling.  Karen and I had talked about "radically accepting" the fact that Cindy and TJ communicate in a weird, kind of bickering, way.  Mom and TJ are no better.  Thelma is also one I need to act that way with.  I can't change how they all act towards one another.  It is not my job to fix them, so I need to let it go.  I am still learning.  At least I haven't done anything to harm myself or my relationships.

I am keeping my altar nice.  I still haven't written in my BOS.  I haven't really done any meditation, or candle work or anything.  My beliefs are always in my mind, but I can't seem to bring myself to practice, or pray even.  It is like I can only concentrate on one thing at a time. Right now it is about getting better.  Getting the tools to keep myself sane and out of the hospital. 

Joseph and I are doing well.  We have hit the 2 month mark (actually we hit if on Sunday).  We love each other and are learning more and more about each other each day.  We are each working on this relationship AS a relationship, and not just dating. We are taking the time to hear each other out.  We are accepting each other's faults, and even music.  We are taking care of each other.  Me teaching him about his finances, and him helping me stay on my meal plan.  The amount of food he leaves cooked when he leaves is astounding.  this is a give and take relationship, not a give and give or take and take relationship. 

So today, I am happy, TJ is happy, and Joseph is happy.  Things are good. I am smiling.

Happy Early Morning

He is asleep in my bed. I am up because of heartburn. I am too happy to go to sleep. I am just plain happy.

I got a late anniversary gift on Friday. It is a ring. A simple silver band. Some might call it a wedding band, as that is its style. He says it is a "for right now" ring. For me, it is so much. For the two of us, it is a promise. Not of marriage. Not of moving in together. A promise to take one day at a time, and hope it turns into a lifetime.

He calls me BooBoo or Honey Boo or just plain Baby. I call him Shnookums or Nemo. I have never called someone by a pet name before. Well, not unless you call Sir or Master a pet name.

This weekend, we have gone to St. Jacobs and got smoked pork chops. We BBQ together. We played Crazy Eights. We played Rummy. We watched some golf. We sat outside on the back patio and talked and had dinner. We snuggled on the couch with no noise. We did dishes together. We had sex. Lots and lots of sex. We talked about how it isn't all about him, and how it isn't all about me. We talked about how it is about us. We talked silly. We talked serious. We sat in silence. He napped and I read. We have done a lot with very little.

Neither of us want him to leave tonight. That isn't a choice right now. Not until he meets the MIT. He isn't ready for that. He wants us to be very solid before that happens. I agree with him. The MIT is getting used to the idea. He isn't liking it to much, but he is getting used to it. He is getting used to the idea that I have someone in my life. He doesn't like it very much. He wants me all to himself, but is getting used to the idea that Mom has a boyfriend.

I am happy. I am in love. I feel safe around Joseph. I feel special with Joseph. He worries about me eating, so he cooks for me. He worries about my taking my meds, and will sometimes remind me. He worries I don't eat well when he isn't here. He smiles when he is here. He can't stay in a bad Toronto mood very long after he gets here. He can be so goofy at times. I love him.

So welcome to a new chapter in my travels. I have woken up, and am moving forward. I am enjoying this leg of my journey.

It has been a long time

It has been a very long time. Not really into updating everything since May, but here are a few things I want to record.

I am in a relationship with a man who is completely vanilla. Yes. Completely vanilla. His name is Joseph. We have been seeing each other for over a month. He lives in Toronto and I live here in Hamilton. He hasn't met the MIT yet, but that is going to happen really soon. As for now, he comes here on the weekend when the MIT is away.

I am happy. I am happy with him. I am sad on Sundays when he has to leave, but I get over it pretty quickly, because I know I will be seeing him again after a bunch of sleeps. That and he calls every day.

OK. That is really all I wanted to say today.

Hard Hitting

This weekend, the anniversary, has hit me hard. So hard I had a breakdown at therapy. Big breakdown.

I cried and cried. I can't understand how I could miss someone who actually treated me like an extra. Yes I have said He never treated me as such, but in reality, that is exactly how He treated me. He had His wife. He had His Mistress. He had others. I never said boo. I never said stop. I tried to understand. I excused His lying. I excused His bullshit. I excused everything, just so I could be with Him. How could I let someone treat me that way. As an extra. Not someone worthy of the truth, respect, and attention I actually deserved. What I deserve now.

Yesterday, I took down his pictures. I cleaned out his drawer. I kept some things, threw others away, and gave away a few. I want him out of my thoughts. Out of my memories. Out of my feelings. I know it is unrealistic. I know he will always be a part of me. 6 1/2 years is a long time to be with someone. For this weekend, I just want to not feel so bad. Too bad I can't control that.

Today is about not doing the "maladaptive" behaviour. No cutting. No over eating. No spending lots and lots of money. No drinking lots of alcohol. No sleeping the day away. It is about embracing my feelings of anger and sorrow. It is about being in the now (sometimes called mindfullness).

Today is going to be about beautifying my surroundings. "From sorrow springs growth." That is my mantra for today. I need to do it, without going out and spending a lot of money. I have already planted the front garden. I have already planted my one pot flower. The back patio has been swept.

I know I want new patio furniture. I know I want to buy lots of herbs. I know I want to buy new bird feeders. I want to buy and buy and buy. I also want to drink and drink and drink. I had one drink last night. I wanted more. The tequila is calling out to me. My credit card is calling me. My savings is calling to me. I will fight it. I will use the techniques they taught me in the hospital. I will concentrate on letting myself feel, and just enjoying the day.

Time to let sorrow bring growth.

Wow!!

I had a kid free weekend. It was great. I dropped His wheelchair off at Rygiel about 4:30 so didn't see Him after 4:00 on Friday. I had a nice, relaxing night. I watched hockey. I watched car racing. I went to bed on time. I slept through the night. It was just so nice.

Saturday, the plan I had, was to go out with my Sis for a while, come home, have a nap, shower and change, then head out to the local bar/pub for some dinner and drinks. Sis and I went to our favourite kitchen store. Thought I would buy some things (a new tea pot and infuser for it), but decided I didn't really need them. We then headed to the LCBO. I picked up some booze and tried the BEST champagne cognac that cost $80 per bottle. We headed home, and stopped at the dollar store, and I picked-up some glasses for my liquor cabinet. Time for me to go home, so we came here, and she headed out. I ended up only having a short nap, and then followed the rest of my plan.

The plan was to go to the bar, and wait for a guy I had flirted with on a previous occasion. He usually shows up to play pool early. That part of the plan changed. I got ready, dressed up slightly, and headed out. Ordered a sandwich and fries for dinner, and did a bit of people watching, and catching up with another regular at the bar. While I was people watching, I noticed a guy walking past me, smiling. The next time he came by, he winked at me, with the same grin. I asked him a question, and...

I met a guy. Cute. Well, actually hot (not that he thinks so). He has the look of Christian Slater. Sometimes he can even sound like him. (I think that is what I am going to call him that here. Christian) He has a huge heart. Has trust issues. Younger than me by 8 years (he will be 32 later this year). Likes Nascar. Likes old heavier rock. Likes his palms being scratched and his hands rubbed. He has a great sense of humour. Does funny voices. Blushes nicely and makes me blush easily. He cuddles great and his kisses and the way he looked at me, makes my knees weak.

We came back to my house, pretty early really, and, well, fooled around almost as soon as we stepped in the room. It was nice, necking with someone, and being desired like that. No actual intercourse, although we did try (Mel thinks he is "hung like a donkey" because we had some issues with my tightness and when she called, I asked her if she had any lube early Sunday morning). Feeling skin on skin was the order of the night. That and watching the race, and hockey, but don't ask me what the results were of either. He never did orgasm. I did. Multiple times. He didn't (grin).

During the night, and the next morning, we decided to give this a go. No one night stand (hence his not getting "there"). No f**k buddies. We are actually going to slow things down and see what happens. A second date has been set for this coming Saturday. Plus plans for the long weekend were discussed, along with "eventually, maybe, we will see about, possibly" getting to the point where he will meet the MIT. We did say we were "in like" with each other.

I like how I felt the rest of Sunday (after he left) and today. I like hearing his voice in my head telling me how beautiful I am. I get that this may not be a "be all" relationship. I get that he may even cancel Saturday night (confidence fading as the hours go by). For now, I am enjoying the feeling. The remembering. The fantasizing.

I can't stop smiling LOL

Cancelled and concerns

i cancelled the tea party. i cancelled it yesterday because my friend E is now in the hospital. i cancelled because i didn't want E and P and L to worry about my silly party, when E is in such bad shape. Plus i didn't want to worry about some silly party when E is in such bad shape.

i have to say, it is about time she went in. The doctors seem to agree, because she is being kept there. i am going to go in and see her tomorrow. i know she won't be getting out for a bit. That is going to be a downer for her. i will take in the tea catalogue and we can decide if we really want to buy anything out of it. i will also be taking her some diet Pepsi, since MUMC doesn't carry it in the hospital. i know i can do just those little things to help her. i'll be doing this in the morning, since i have a date tomorrow afternoon.

Now with P, well, He is in fix-it mode. Add worry mode, and i think He is going a little crazy. Him, i don't know how to help, other than to listen when He needs to talk. That is what i will do. i am good at that.

i haven't heard from L. i left Her 3 messages yesterday, and have heard nothing back. i know P left Her a message as well. i am worried about Her. i don't like not hearing from Her. i always get self conscious if i don't hear from her, like i have done something wrong, and She doesn't feel She can talk to me about it. All i can do is wait until She calls.

my date tomorrow is with T. She and i are going to New Moon. Yes i am actually going to see that movie. Her and i made a commitment to go and see it, when we first say Twilight together. i have a feeling i will also be taking her to the next one in the series. At least i know that she and i will be laughing it up, finding all the faults with the movie and walking out of there shaking our heads. It will be fun.

So tonight, E is in my prayers, along with P, L, T, and C.

Breaking the silence

i contacted Her. Finally. We figured out some stuff. We are good now. i am glad She accepted my friendship again. She is glad i accept Hers. It was and is time. It was bitter sweet catching-up with Her. All the things we have both missed out of the other's lives. It is all good though. i am sure we will be doing more catching-up. i can't wait to see Her. i need to give Her one of my hugs. i need to feel one of Hers.

Looking forward

Imbolc Altar

Yesterday was Imbolc. i celebrated in my own unique style. i didn't start until after noon. i gathered white candles, and instead of having them in a circle on my altar, i put them all over the house. Sort of using my house as the altar. Sure i had the lt. green Goddes candle, and the lt. yellow God candle, the cauldron, the "right" crystals, the white flowers, and vanilla and cinnamon incense. i even had the "bon fire" set up in my bbq. i even served chicken with new herbed potatoes, and served pound cake with custard. (i don't have any pictures of the meal or fire. The MIT wouldn't let me take any)



Now, i look at Imbolc as the day for making resolutions and making wishes, instead of the "traditional" New Years. So here is what i am looking forward to doing as i look forward to the rest of the year.

• Getting a bird feeder, and keeping it filled year round. (i need to pick a great place, so my patio doesn't get all poopy, but so i can see the birds, especially during the winter, from my window.)
• Asking for more kitchen supplies to further my cooking crusade. (my birthday wish list shows just that)
• Promising myself to watch how my body feels when i eat properly, and laying off the ordering in (cheaper in the long run), and the eating of heavy or junk food snacks. (Yes i feel different when i do not eat the junk food or order in as much. i actually feel, normal.)
• Picking a quit date, and following through. (i know i need to quit smoking, and i am not enjoying it as much as i used to. It is a good time to do it, especially since i have friends doing the same thing. i will be consulting my doctor about this.)
• Knitting again. Blankets, pillows, scarves, hats, and even socks. (Knitting has helped me keep my hands busy when i have quit in the past. It is time to get back on it.)
• Not go looking for the love of a lover. (i have lots of love in my life. Sure a companion would be nice, but i am not going to settle for just anyone. i am not ready to go looking, and i am not ready to have a "special someone" in my life just yet.)
• Keep each Sabbath in my own way, honouring how i feel, and letting the MIT experience the two different "styles" of faith. (The MIT is Anglican)

Those are the promises i have made to myself. These are the wishes i have made to myself. This is when the bride, Brigid, holds hope and a new life inside her. This is when the wishes and promises are nurtured and grow. This is a time when i can do the same. Have my wishes and promises nurture and grow inside of myself.

i am picking Ash Wednesday, as my quit day. It holds significance to my son's faith, and seems like a good time to start. It will also allow me time to move away from such habits as smoking while on the computer, and changing where i smoke. This will give me a head start on quiting. This is something important to me. i have been holding on to this addiction for far too long.

So here is to the nurturing of promises, wishes, and fresh starts.

Holy Crap....

i am actually ahead of the game this year in regards to Yule/Christmas. i mean really ahead. Cards have been mailed. Gifts have been bought, made and done. i mean, i have never been this far ahead, on the second day of December.

i only have 4 more gifts to buy. i have 2 people i don't know what to get them. So i also have them to buy for. That makes 6. Only 6 more gifts to buy. Gifts for friends and family. Only 4 more. i do have a lot of baking and making to do. i also have to pick-up a few odds and ends for stockings. Other than that, i am done. Tomorrow is the day i am going out to finish it all off. i am so proud of myself. Hopefully this will lesson the stress of the season.

i do like baking. After getting groceries tomorrow, (along with the last few gifts) i will be able to bake to my heart's content. This is going to be fun. No more big pressure to go out and shop. No more crowded stores. No more stress about what to get anyone. None. Actual time to just sit back and enjoy the get-togethers, family traditions, and odd weather.

Yay!!!!! (this is me jumping up and down)

It is that time of year

So usually this is the time of year i post what i want for Yule/Christmas. It is like my own little letter to Santa. Soooo....

Dear Santa,

i have tried to be good this year. i know my temper has gotten the better of me a few times. It usually happens when i am over tired or stressed out. It isn't a good excuse. It is what it is. i just hope i was good enough to be on the nice list. If so, this is what i would like.

1. The MIT to get everything on His list
2. Peace of mind for my friends (current and those lost to anger and misunderstandings)
3. Candles from the White Flame Company
4. A new pair of pajamas
5. Hedge hog chocolates
6. New panties
7. A mortar and pestle
8. Fuzzy socks
9. The energy to bake cookies
10. The patience to not yell so much

Well, that is about it Santa. i hope you have a good month, and get everything done that needs to be done. There will be cookies and hot chocolate here for you. The MIT will make sure of it. He will also include some carrots for all the reindeer.

Me

Weekend of sleep (Day 31)

The MIT was at Rygiel last night. Finally a full night of sleep. Plus i get to sleep all day today and all night tonight. i doubt that will happen. Too much sleep can be a bad thing. i will be sleeping a whole lot.

i met someone on CollarMe last night. He came over for coffee (and for those that know my coffee making skills, he brought one from Tim Horton's for himself). It was nice to meet someone that believes relationships are built on friendships. All we did was talk. Well, he talked and i listened. i listened a lot. i don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing, that he reminds me of Mike. What i do like is that i am actually open to meeting new people, and putting myself out there for others to meet. It is a nice change from just sitting back and doing nothing and wallowing in being alone.

Being a lonely submissive sucks. Well, it sure does for me. i am sure there are those out there, that enjoy their Independence, and are ok with being single. Just like there are women out there that enjoy being single. i am not one of those submissives anymore. i miss having a partner. i miss the intimacy of being with someone. i miss feeling like i can sit at their feet. i miss feeling free.

Anyways, today is about sleep and rest and doing what ever i want to do. i am really going to enjoy today.

Relief (Day 27)

Everything went well yesterday. The MIT even went into a pool. It was a great party. Food was wonderful. Company couldn't be better, except for a few missing in parenting action. A very nice day.

Just a bad dream on Saturday.

Time for a reality check

Time for me to list all the things that make me happy. i think it is a perspective i really need right now.

• Spending mornings with the MIT watching TV series on DVD.
• Cuddles with the MIT.
• Figuring out what plants to put in my house, garden, and boxes.
• The way my family supports me.
• The way my friends support me.
• Spending time with my family (yes even if we fight a bit).
• Spending time with my friends (all of you. P&E, L&D, S, D&H, B).
• Playing with kids in the neighbourhood.
• The green in my house.
• Keeping my house somewhat clean and in order.
• Sleeping with Splotchy, My Baby Bear, Elli, Hippo, and Eeyore.
• Rocks.
• Flowers.
• Knowing that i am taking my meds every day, and when i am supposed to.
• Actually cooking (i know, this hasn't been one for a very long time).
• Sunshine (that is why i am opening my blinds every day).
• Making my bed every day.
• BBQ'ing.
• Lighting candles.
• The look on the face of the MIT when He finds out i will be letting Him stay up late to see a movie.
• The MIT hugging me and jumping up and down when He is happy.
• Looking at pictures of Mike.

So, yes, even in this time of grief, i can find things that make me happy. i have to hold on to these. It is a tool. i know that. i just have to remember it. It is hard. The grief feels so overwhelming. Remembering what makes me happy, or feel good on the inside, is hard to find sometimes. This morning, i needed to remind myself.

Content....sort of

This weekend was great. It was relaxing, and enjoyable, and full of friends and fun.

Saturday was P's party. E finally pulled of a surprise for Him. First it was dinner at Tucker's, then going to a decorated house for cake and presents. There were 13 of us at dinner. L&D with M&S, me, Sh, K&B, and of course P&E with C&T, plus Br. Back at the house H&D, and LL did all the decorating. Other than Sh, who had plans that evening, we all headed back to the streamer and balloon filled house. P did really well on the gift front. Underwear with Jesus on the butt, a fisting pen, a whip, Reeces Peanut butter cups, books, CD's. He raked it in.

Saturday was good for me also. i actually spent time with everyone. i didn't back out. i enjoyed being around everyone again. Yes it helped that i wasn't the only single person there. That actually helped a lot. i feel weird being around people that are couples sometimes. i end up feeling lonely. Saturday i didn't. i did have a bit of an issue being surrounded by so many Doms. i almost asked if i could have a smoke. It was also comforting being around that many Doms. There was a feeling of peace inside me i miss. i easily would have curled up at K's feet, or L's. P's feet were covered by LL and E.

Sunday was also nice. i picked up the MIT and we went and spent more of His birthday money. He got a new game for His Nintendo DS, and a new CD. It was nice being with Him. Unfortunately, He is also sick. We ended up spending all day today together, and will again tomorrow. Still, with Him being sick, He is quite cuddly and easy going. Once He starts to feel better, He will be more difficult to get along with. That will be my cue to send Him back to school.

Tonight, the MIT is already in bed, and i am soon to follow. It is too cold to sit outside and read. Maybe tomorrow night will be better. Then again, i can always start a little fire in my BBQ. Hmmmm, which to do?

Weekend off

Last night, there was no beeping. Last night was quiet and comfortable. Last night was all to myself. That is right, the MIT is away this weekend.

Today will be filled with slow moving. Today will be filled with no running around to do. All i have to do is be one place, and it is a place i will enjoy. Other than that, today is a lazy, do nothing, listen to whatever i want, no MIT asking what to do. Today is all about me lounging and being me.

P made it to His birthday. i didn't know exactly how much i was dreading the 17th, until i was able to call Him and wish Him a happy birthday on the phone on the 18th. Clouds lifted, and i was calm.

The MIT is....volatile. You never know what MIT you are going to get. He is taking His punishment like a man, with little to no arguing. Giving Him a choice of what chore to do, has been the best idea. He has actually been looking forward to it. It is weird. At least my patio furniture is clean, and so is my back yard. i wonder what to give him come Monday and Tuesday.

Well, breakfast has been eaten. Meds have been taken. Time to go and have a nice bath, and read in the tub i think. Once the sun is fully up, i will be sitting on my patio, reading and enjoying the quiet. A nice spring day to relax to.

i need something sunny here

On Ostara, i transplanted all my house plants. i put them all in bigger pots. i separated some that lived in the same pot. i worked with the dirt and i was hoping to give them better life.

So far, all the plants are doing well. Really well. i am proud of their progress. my Christmas Cactus is growing new stuff. my ivy has new shoots all over the place. my violets are not flowering, but the greenery is doing much better. The one plant i was really worried about was my shamrock. It is a funny plant.

The shamrocks grow out of the pine cone like pods. When i transplanted it, i was worried i had killed it. It is over 17 years old. It has survived an infestation of fruit flies. It has survived my Dad and Sis not watering it. i can officially say it has survived the transplant. New growth abounds. New little 3 leaf shamrocks are growing from the dirt. It is doing really well.

Ok, that is my little bit of sunshine. A not so yucky post. i need that both here, and in my life.

Here is some of my sunshine :

Needed

i needed Tuesday night. i finally quit asking why, once i called P. He reminded me that why didn't matter. i needed that reminder. i needed to just feel, and to just go with the feelings, and let them come out. i had forgotten that. Sandy will be proud tomorrow. She will be proud i called a friend for help. She will be proud i eventually let go of the why. Heck, i am proud.

Yes i actually reached out for help. Yes i took the advice. For those, i am proud.

Other than that, today is a beautiful day. It is sunny out. It is 7 degrees outside. i am going to be cleaning up the back patio, and maybe the back garden. Man i really want a little gate on my patio so i can easily access my back yard. Oh well. That takes money i don't currently have. Heck, may never have. i have decided this year i am actually going to work on the garden part. i am actually going to put up "fencing" or a strong boarder around where i am putting the garden. i may only be able to do that, since money is so tight, but at least that will get done. i want my garden to be an oasis for me. Some place i want to spend lots of time and energy.

i am glad the sun and warmth is out. i need that too.