Friday, May 08, 2009

That time of year again

i know. i haven't been here in a while. It is that time of year again. The time in the year that i reflect on where i am (my birthday past and i am almost 40, and can't say i am happy with my station in life), how the MIT is doing (His health is getting worse, and He is loosing more weight, and is getting sick more often. Plus He is getting older), and what has happened in the past.

Right this moment, and since the middle of March, i keep "living" in different years. 2005, 2006, and 2007. Each day i know what happened that long ago. i loose what day of the week it is, depending on the year i am "living" in. It feels like i am going crazy. Luckily i am seeing my therapist today (it is 4:30 am right now).

i have been hiding from friends. i have made a few new friends. That old childhood song about old friends and new friends and silver and gold rings true for me. Yes i am hiding from my old friends, but it is because i am having enough trouble living in the now, without sharing memories with them. The new friends, well, it is easy to forget, for a little while, how many years it has been and how sad and emotional i am right now. They are a great escape.

i did my cutting finally. The one of Mike's initials. The mark i have been needing and wanting for so long. The mark we used to talk about when He was alive. It is on my left breast, in an area He had already marked with a knife. i just finished it off. i am going to maintain it. Keep it fresh and clear. i need it. It felt so right when i did it. Doing it, calmed me in a way regular cutting hasn't. Even now, a week after i did it, i still run my fingers over it, and know who i belong to.

i took down my profiles from collarme, and alt. i don't need them any more. i also put most of the S/m toys away. Again, i don't need them any more. i guess you could say i have decided to bury that side of myself. i have to. No one will be able to live up to Mike's legacy right now. i don't even want someone in my life right now. Sure sex would be nice, but i have toys for that.

Oh yeah. i cut my arm Wednesday. i now have 5 stitches holding together a 2 1/2" gash on my right forearm. It is ugly, but healing nicely. Stitches can come out in 10-15 days. Until then, i wear saran wrap in the shower.

Overall, life has been sucky. But, i am still here. Still kicking. Still lingering. Still hanging on.