Friday, October 27, 2006

Over the last week (and a bit)

Wow, i haven't posted in about a week and a half.  It isn't because there isn't anything to post about.  Last week was a busy week.  Appointments, emotions, class.  i felt like every day was a busy day. 

i did learn a few new things this week.

  • Ontario Works sucks (aka welfare) - i owe them money

  • the MIT's school is just great - they broke the news about not working for credits right now is ok, and they also listened when He had to explain what He meant by His EA hit Him. 

  • i have homework from seeing the social workers - last time it was telling them what i wanted from them, this time it is finding stuff to do after i see them to pull me back into reality and not mixed up with all my emotions in my head

  • that reading and taking notes for 10 chapters is beyond me right now

i feel really run down and disappointed in my self today.  Not getting my homework for school done is really bothering me.  i should have been able to do it.  i had plenty of time.  i just couldn't get past the first chapter.  It wasn't just about reading, it was also about making notes and i couldn't wrap my head around it.  Sure i have some time to cram right now, but not enough to make notes and read.  Plus i still have to be attentive to the MIT.

Today after school, i get to see the social workers again.  i am going to be asking them how much longer i will be seeing them, and when i get to see the psychiatrist.  i also want to know, if once i start dealing with "stuff" with them, will i have to start over with the doc.  It just seems weird that i build a relationship with them, and then will be turned over to someone else.  It doesn't make sense to me. 

OK, time for me to get my butt into the shower and hound the MIT.  Man i don't want to go to school.  i really don't wanna go (insert whine).  my bed is calling.  Loudly.  i must fight the urge.  i must.  i must. i must.

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Monday, October 16, 2006

Ein Prosit!!

So Saturday's Oktoberfest celebration was wonderful.  A great group of friends, lots of food, lots of drinks, lots of laughs.  i even have video of most of the evening.  Oh and pictures.  Lots and lots of pictures.  i am burning everyone a copy of the video and of the pictures so they can all remember Heino-palooza  fondly.  We even had a party game.  See who could melt a chocolate truffle between their boobs first.  E and S tied.  D didn't have enough boob to really push them together.  i am more cold blooded than everyone else.  i couldn't melt the truffle between my boobs.  Plus no one to lick it off.  Oh well, no biggy.

On Sunday, i wasn't hung over (though i should have been) i just felt kind of lazy, and then i decided to concentrate on burning the movie for everyone.  First i had to figure out how to edit the movie so it would fit on CD's (i had over 3 hours worth).  That took a while.  Once that was figured out, i started burning the evidence.  i am still at it.  i have 5 sets to make, and i am now starting Part 2 for each set.  5 CD's down, 10 more to go. 

Yesterday was also cleaning day.  i did as much as i could, but there is still stuff here for P&E to take home, and a couple souvenirs for L&D, and S.  When the MIT came home, He had a blast pulling down all the streamers and balloons and then popped every one of the balloons in the house.  If He had of used a pin, i would have been quicker, but He needed to squeeze them all.  The squeaky squeeze did bother me a bit. 

Today was all about getting over being tired.  i was so busy the last couple of days, i hardly slept and i am so tired out.  Yes i have kept busy, so i haven't had time to think about how i am doing emotionally, and yes for me that is a good thing, but i also know that now i am more relaxed, the emotions could come out again.  i even had a big panic attack yesterday.  hyperventilated and everything.  Even to the point that i needed to lie down.  i survived.  Yes i got scared, and worried, and thought of calling someone because i was so scared, but i breathed and self-talked through it. 

Wednesday i have to go to welfare.  It is an almost yearly excursion, but each year i get nervous about it.  i have so much stuff to gather together.  Old bills, old bank statements.  Tenant agreements.  Lots of stuff to gather.  Even just thinking about it now is making me panic.  i hate going to welfare.  Hate it. 

OK, this post is feeling like what is inside my head.  Convoluted and jumbled and bouncing from one thing to the next.  Since the MIT is here i will be off to make tuna salad.  Enough so i don't have to worry about what i am packing for His lunch tomorrow.  Off i go. 

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Saturday, October 14, 2006


Different emotions over the couple of days.  Ups and downs.  Panic and calm.  Crying and not crying.  my emotions seem to be all over the place.

Thursday night, E and her kids came over and we decorated the living room for Oktoberfest.  It looks really cool, but it doesn't feel finished to me.  i know it is the perfectionist in me, so i am trying to let it go. 

Yesterday (Friday) was a difficult but not that bad of a day.  i woke-up and wished Mike a happy anniversary (it would have been 7 years since we met).  Then i looked at my "to do list".  i started to feel overwhelmed, but calmed myself down and got everything i had control over, finished. 

  • i got the MIT off to school

  • i packed the MIT's bag for a sleep over at my Mom's

  • i packed my school bag

  • i packed my "need for later" bag

  • i got to school on time

  • i went to St. Joe's for my therapy

  • i stopped at my place to check my bank account and pickup a coat (it was really cold out)

  • i went to E's and got ready to go to a porn night

  • i found E's son

  • i drove E and i to Toronto

  • we all went to see the porn show, found the lineup to large and decided on a movie and food instead

  • i drove E and i home

  • i actually went to be right after getting home

i didn't let the size of my list get to me.  Today, we (my friends) are having an Oktoberfest party.  i am finding it difficult not to get overwhelmed by the size of my "to do" list today.  So far, so good.  i am mainly concentrating on those things i feel i really need to get done, rather the impression my house will give off.  i am going to be concentrating on

  • going out and getting some diet pepsi and stuff

  • making the MIT's room tidy

  • vacuuming the house

  • making sure the bathroom is clean

  • doing the dishes

  • shower and shave!!!!

Anything else, isn't a "have to" it is just a "would like to".  So by concentrating on what i feel i need to get done (just so i feel comfortable with people in my house), i am limiting the amount of pressure i am putting on myself.  It seems to be working so far.  i still have less than 3 hours before people are coming over, but i can do a lot in 3 hours. 

So, here's to keeping things in perspective and to keeping my mind on what is happening now, and not worrying about what will happen when everyone comes over.

i am feeling mighty proud of myself right now.

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Thursday, October 12, 2006

It's all normal

So i went to the doctor's today.  Yes i gained weight again.  i knew i had.  i just didn't know where it would put me on the scale.  Now i know.  Yes my blood pressure is fine.  That is good. 

The most important thing i learned at the doctor's is that she is proud of me.  See, i have been having a harder time dealing with emotional situations.  What i mean is that i haven't been able to keep the emotions all bottled up as easily as i usually do.  Plus i have been having spontanious emotional outbursts (crying for no reason) and an increase in panic attacks.  Apparently this is normal.  That isn't what she is proud of though.  She is proud i haven't said to hell with going to therapy.  That i have decided to keep going and to keep dealing.  It was nice to hear her say those words, and that i am being strong by still going.  No, i may not like going, but it is good that i am going, and that i will continue to go. 

To some this may not seem like a happy post, but it is.  It sucks that i have to go through emotional crap that i have been burying for so long, but it is good because i know that i need to go threw it all, and i am.  It is a good thing

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Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Pavlov's dog

i feel like one of Pavlov's dogs. Let me explain

For over 6 1/2 years, i always asked permission before having an orgasm.  When i was with Mike, we had a set of rules to accomplish this.  If Mike was away, i could call and leave a message on His phone and that was a way of asking.  i could even send Him an email and that would qualify (for us) as asking permission.  When i played with others, i was to ask them for permission. He isn't here anymore so there is no one i need or  have to ask permission from.  Yet, i still can't reach that gushing or feeling of release without hearing the "yes" or knowing that someone is giving me permission.  After all these months, i still can't get there.

Mike died back in May.  i have been getting more used to doing certain things by myself again.  i have been moving forward and growing.  Yes i have leaned on friends for other things, but i have been learning to take charge of me.  i have started going to "school" for reflexology.  i have been going out when i want.  i have been having fun with friends when i want.  i feel totally in control some days.  There is just one thing i can't take charge of.  Oragasms. 

Take last night.  i was using one of the little, special toys that we had accumilated over time, and it is one that is totally reliable in getting me to that point, and beyond.  Everything was going right.  i was there.  i was ready.  i couldn't get past it. 

i asked for permission in my head, thinking that would help.  i asked permission outloud, thinking that would help.  Nothing.  Just writhing, feeling at the point, and nothing.  i was getting so frustrated.  i tried to say "yes" to myself.  i tried to imagine Mike whispering "yes" in my ear, but nothing.  i had thoughts of calling a friend who would understand, panting and everything, to just hear that one word (couldn't justify it and couldn't humiliate myself that way, just couldn't.  i have a feeling the person i would have called, would have been flattered, joked a bit, tortured me with asking me why, then laugh and say yes).

So, nothing.  No relief.  No drooling even though the food is right infront of me.  Still waiting for the sound of the bell.  Still waiting for that permission.  i so feel like one of Pavlov's dogs.

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Sunday, October 08, 2006

Killing time

So i was sitting here, thinking everything was good, and a panic attack started.  i have no idea why, but it happened.  i did my deep breathing.  i did my self talk.  None of it really helped, so i decided to distract myself.

i found my old recipe for apple crisp.  i haven't made it in years.  i have been buying apple crisp from Zarky's.  Today i decided that peeling apples might be zen like.  So out i went, hyperventilating the whole time, and bought apples and those disposable baking pans.  i bought enough apples for at least 3, maybe 4 batches.  i bought chocolate chips for cookie making.  i bought stewing beef for what i am making for dinner.

One batch is done and cooling.  Yes, i already tried it and it is better than the one i buy.  The second is in the oven.   i should have also gotten ice cream, but i didn't.  It would have gone nicely with the warm apple crisp. 

The panic sensation hasn't left, but now i have apple crisp.  i still feel like i need to jump out of my skin.  my breathing is ragged, but if i concentrate, i can calm it down.  my hands are shaking, and my leg won't stop bouncing.  i am ok.  i know i am ok.  i don't want to take meds when i can find other ways to manage.  i am hoping another batch will help.  3 batches of apple crisp.  i wonder if it freezes well.  i wonder if i should take some to my Mom's for Thanksgiving tomorrow. 

i just want the shaking and breathing things to stop.

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Friday, October 06, 2006

A full one

What a beautiful way to wake-up.  i had forgotten how i can see Her first thing in the morning from the kitchen.  The moon so full, and bright.  i saw Her last night, but She had clouds all over Her.  This morning, She is bright and full and it is so clear.  The changes in the season are apparent.  Being able to see Her and waking up cold.  i don't want to have to turn the heat on yet.  i am not ready for that yet.  Hot chocolate.  That is the answer.  Hot chocolate and the full moon.  A great way to wake-up.

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Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Where is the smiley?

A friend read over this place from my head and mentioned that it seemed so sad.  It is.  i feel comfortable here to express all the nasty, dark, depressive things that enter my head here.  Happy thoughts are in my head.  There have been a lot of them lately.  i think it is time i get used to expressing those here too.

MIT - man is He enjoying school.  He loves it.  He doesn't come home angry at all.  He hardly fights me in the morning. The only difficulty in the morning is about waking up and Him wanting "5 more minutes Mom".  Once that little routine is over, everything runs smoothly.  Uniforms rock.  No arguments about what He is going to wear.  No worrying about if it will fit or not.  He has 2 main outfits He likes, and one more that is for special occasions.  Mornings rock now.  After school, He is hungry (lunch is really early for Him) and gets a snack.  After that, is homework (with no arguing at all) and karate on certain days.  He is doing really well.  i am really proud of Him.

Reflexology - i am into week 4 of my reflexology course.  Only 8 more classes to go.  i am enjoying it.  Sure the definitions of certain disabilities or illnesses are really general, but i can live with that.  i am finding that i am relaxing into the foot procedure really easily.  i find my hands flowing nicely from one reflex to the next.  i have lots of volunteers to practice on, and will get to continue using them for my practicum once i have the entire foot procedure down pat.  i got to practice on Saturday.  i did my procedure on 2 8 year olds and my two friends L&D.  i even get to practice again tonight on E.  The MIT won't let me near His feet.  That is ok.  i have enough different feet available.

Life in general - yes i have bad days.  That is apparent in most of my entries.  But there are many, many good days.  Days where i can push the depression further back.  Days i can see the joy in the sun shining.  Days i can see being able to wake up tomorrow and feel ok. 

i have been baking more.  It is something i haven't done in a long time, and am finding pleasure in it.  i am cooking dinners more often.  i can't afford to order in anymore, so i am finding ways around that.

 i have great friends around me.  i have fallen back to those i have known the longest, who have seen me threw good and bad times.  They have been very supportive and help me feel like i matter to this world.  They listen and they don't mince words when i need to hear the truth.  They are also there to let me be me. 

Friday i go to St. Joe's again, and visit with the social worker.  i have to visit with her before i get to meet with the actual doctor.  Not looking forward to it.  my head and stomach hurt after the last appointment. 

i don't have class this week.  my teacher is moving this weekend, so she needs the day for packing and stuff. 

Next weekend i get to go to a live porn show L Friday, and then everyone will be here for Octoberfest on Saturday.  Now that will be fun.  Sure it would be nice to have been able to go to Kitchener for the festivities, but this way, everyone is around and we can drink when and what we want, play music that we want, and even watch movies if we want.  i am really looking forward to it.  my Mom is even taking the MIT for the entire weekend. 

Looking forward to things is new.  i am not dreading stuff as much.  That is a good thing.  Yes i am still grieving, but i am also moving forward.  i am finding stuff that interests me.  i am finding ways to open up about my issues (including those about the MIT).  i am looking at other ways to get respite.  i am doing housework when i have the energy.  i am excited about  the reflexology course.  i look forward to the MIT coming home after school.

i think the next thing i will be looking into is pottery, or sculpting.  i know there is stuff i want to make out of clay, and the feel of the clay in my hands.  i know i want to make what i paint, and not just paint things that are pre-made.  i also want to get back into sewing.  i have a great machine, but haven't used it in years.  It would be nice to make stuff that i wear.  i also want to get back into knitting.  i have at least one project, that has been promised to one special guy, that has not been touched in months.  

Ideas for Christmas gifts are coming at me.  Yes it is hard knowing that i don't need to find one for Mike.  i still come up with ideas for Him, but then realize...well, you know.  For others, i am doing really well with the ideas.  i just have to actually sit down and do them.

So, that is all for now in this more pleasant post.  There are still some nice and happy things that have happened that i want to keep to myself.  Those may or may not come to light here, but they are definitely in my head and memory and full of goodness.  Please bare with me.

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