Normally, I do up a sort of recount of my resolutions from last year, and list new ones. I am not going to do that this year. There is too much going on. There is too much in my head right now to even think about it.
My Godfather/Uncle died on the 28th. His funeral is on the 3rd. I am sad and full of regret. I have learned that regret and guilt are two different emotions. Regret I can handle. Guilt, leads to shame and I don't want/need that.
I have actually decided to go out tonight to a house party to hear a friend play with his band. This will be the first NYE I have ever gone "out" to. Yes I spent NYE with E, P, C, T, and D a few years ago, but no getting drunk and hitting on young men that year. It was a stay in the house kind of event. This year is different. Oh yeah, and I am getting dressed for it. Fancy top, and new jeans. I am going to show off my new size. I am going to show off my boobs. I am actually looking forward to this. What to wear is laid out. Schedule has been made up so I do not forget to do anything. I will actually be wearing a bit of makeup to this thing.
I am going to be jumping in with both feet, to distract myself from what will be happening on Sunday and Mondays. This is called Opposite Emotion. Yes, another DBT thingy.
Next year is all about learning more about emotions, DBT thingies, not binging (and loosing weight because of it), not drinking to much, and just being healthier in mind and body.
Happy New Years to all.
Showing posts with label Goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Goals. Show all posts
Friday, December 31, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Up early in the morning
Since I was up, and I just realized I hadn't done an entry for yesterday, I thought now would be a good time.
Yesterday was good. I went to the doctor, for my usual bi-weekly appointment. Blood pressure, very good. Weight, down a bit. Back pain, new drugs. Other than that, all is good with my body. Just wish my back pain would go away.
TJ and I had a good day. Quiet times around the house. If I felt my temper or voice rising, I would take a deep breath and make things playful. Changed channels on him just because. Made my voice and what we were doing into a joke. I kept things light and ended up not yelling at him at all.
Then, as I was getting ready for bed, my anxiety rose. Today I am supposed to tell Sandy about the PTSD symptoms, and tell her the incident that caused them. I am not looking forward to that. I feel that it is one of the reasons I am up at this time of day.
So, to keep calm, and not panic, I am doing a load of laundry so TJ has clothes for when he goes to Rygiel House this weekend. I am taking naps, so I am not so tired. I am planning my courses of action for today so when the anxiety rises, I don't do any of my maladaptive behaviour. This is called IMPROVE the moment.
IMPROVE stands for
Imagery - imagine hurtful emotions draining out of you like water out of a pipe as you breath deeply
Meaning - fine the purpose in this pain, like telling Sandy so we can treat the symptoms
Prayer - go outside and commune with nature works with me. Opening myself up by asking the Goddess and God to help bear the pain
Relaxation - having a cup of herbal tea and breathing deeply when ever I get the chance. Breath while in the shower or out back. Relax my muscles in the shower.
One thing in the moment - focus on what I am doing while I am doing it. Be mindful of what I am doing. Don't start thinking of what I am going to speak to Sandy about
Vacation - take mini breaks like going out back and reading (my oasis).
Encourage - cheer myself on with telling myself that I can do this. I lived this physically, it is now time to live it out loud. Make a plan and tell myself how good of a plan it is and that it will all work out.
So, for me herbal tea in the morning instead of caffine (caffine raises anxiety). Taking time outs and going out back for a breather (waiting 1 min before having a smoke). Putting laundry away. Packing TJ's bags and wheelchair up, for when he goes to Rygiel. Telling my self that I can do this without anything extra in my system (sugar, pills, etc). Going out back to read. Maybe do my nails while Sis is here.
So that is what I am going to do later today. Time to change over the laundry and go back to bed for a few hours.
Yesterday was good. I went to the doctor, for my usual bi-weekly appointment. Blood pressure, very good. Weight, down a bit. Back pain, new drugs. Other than that, all is good with my body. Just wish my back pain would go away.
TJ and I had a good day. Quiet times around the house. If I felt my temper or voice rising, I would take a deep breath and make things playful. Changed channels on him just because. Made my voice and what we were doing into a joke. I kept things light and ended up not yelling at him at all.
Then, as I was getting ready for bed, my anxiety rose. Today I am supposed to tell Sandy about the PTSD symptoms, and tell her the incident that caused them. I am not looking forward to that. I feel that it is one of the reasons I am up at this time of day.
So, to keep calm, and not panic, I am doing a load of laundry so TJ has clothes for when he goes to Rygiel House this weekend. I am taking naps, so I am not so tired. I am planning my courses of action for today so when the anxiety rises, I don't do any of my maladaptive behaviour. This is called IMPROVE the moment.
IMPROVE stands for
Imagery - imagine hurtful emotions draining out of you like water out of a pipe as you breath deeply
Meaning - fine the purpose in this pain, like telling Sandy so we can treat the symptoms
Prayer - go outside and commune with nature works with me. Opening myself up by asking the Goddess and God to help bear the pain
Relaxation - having a cup of herbal tea and breathing deeply when ever I get the chance. Breath while in the shower or out back. Relax my muscles in the shower.
One thing in the moment - focus on what I am doing while I am doing it. Be mindful of what I am doing. Don't start thinking of what I am going to speak to Sandy about
Vacation - take mini breaks like going out back and reading (my oasis).
Encourage - cheer myself on with telling myself that I can do this. I lived this physically, it is now time to live it out loud. Make a plan and tell myself how good of a plan it is and that it will all work out.
So, for me herbal tea in the morning instead of caffine (caffine raises anxiety). Taking time outs and going out back for a breather (waiting 1 min before having a smoke). Putting laundry away. Packing TJ's bags and wheelchair up, for when he goes to Rygiel. Telling my self that I can do this without anything extra in my system (sugar, pills, etc). Going out back to read. Maybe do my nails while Sis is here.
So that is what I am going to do later today. Time to change over the laundry and go back to bed for a few hours.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Things move forward.
So today was therapy day. Karen and I had made a deal about me showing up with just my prescribed amount of pain killers in my system. I kept that deal. I also took her what happened last night and this morning. She was very proud of me. We also followed her game plan about doing a "behavioural chain".
A behavioural chain is when you examine what led to doing your maladaptive behaviour. So we studied what I did last week. Taking the extra Perc. After studying why I did it, as in what lead up to it, we problem solved what I could have done differently and what I could do next time. I didn't understand all of it, but I have the basic idea.
My "homework" (DBT is big on homework) is to do a behaviour chain each time I do some maladaptive behaviour. It could be as bad as taking extra pills, to just yelling at TJ, to just as simple as scratching my arm to inflict pain. That and I am to tell Sandy about my past and symptoms of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).
Today was a good therapy day. I didn't even pick-up chocolate at the drugstore when I went and picked-up my meds I had on order. Today is a very good day.
A behavioural chain is when you examine what led to doing your maladaptive behaviour. So we studied what I did last week. Taking the extra Perc. After studying why I did it, as in what lead up to it, we problem solved what I could have done differently and what I could do next time. I didn't understand all of it, but I have the basic idea.
My "homework" (DBT is big on homework) is to do a behaviour chain each time I do some maladaptive behaviour. It could be as bad as taking extra pills, to just yelling at TJ, to just as simple as scratching my arm to inflict pain. That and I am to tell Sandy about my past and symptoms of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).
Today was a good therapy day. I didn't even pick-up chocolate at the drugstore when I went and picked-up my meds I had on order. Today is a very good day.
Monday, August 09, 2010
Going to try this once a day thing.
So yes. I am going to try "writing" here once a day. I will cover family / relationships, wicca, and therapy. I will cover each of these things each day. There will be other stuff, but those are going to be the beginning of each post. So, here we go.
TJ (formally MIT) and I are having a nice quiet day. Well, quiet in the sense that he is busy watching TV and I am busy doing cleaning and thinking and stuff. Basically, daily keeping up with chores. I am also missing Joseph. It is nice missing him, but I really, really do miss him. He brings smiles to my face just like TJ does. Both do silly little things, just to make me smile. TJ is doing the same thing today. Doing silly things just to make me smile. I am a very lucky woman right now.
I need to update my BOS. I haven't written my rituals since Beltane. I have kept a record of them, but I would like them to be secure in my BOS. I need to just sit down, in the quiet, with my candles lit around me and take the time to write in my BOS. That is something I really need to do.
I haven't had any ill thoughts. Not lately. I am struggling with not taking certain meds when I really don't need them. I am going to try to pull myself off of them. I will let my therapist know how I am doing with it. Actually, both therapists. I see both of them this week. One on Wednesday and one on Friday. I know the session on Wednesday will be a tough one. I really don't want to go to it sober in any way shape or form. I will. I made a promise and I will keep it. I will show up there sober and probably in a lot of pain (my back). I will listen to her, and I will participate in the conversation and learning.
Other than all that? My back still hurts. I am actually eating 3 times a day. I am taking my meds 4 times each day. I am cooking what is in the house, and not ordering in on the credit card. Next step is to get back to some sort of exercise to work on my back and my core. Weight loss is not my goal. Getting out of pain definitely is.
Time for "regular" TV and time on the couch with TJ. Maybe he and I will go out to Hewitt's for some ice cream.
TJ (formally MIT) and I are having a nice quiet day. Well, quiet in the sense that he is busy watching TV and I am busy doing cleaning and thinking and stuff. Basically, daily keeping up with chores. I am also missing Joseph. It is nice missing him, but I really, really do miss him. He brings smiles to my face just like TJ does. Both do silly little things, just to make me smile. TJ is doing the same thing today. Doing silly things just to make me smile. I am a very lucky woman right now.
I need to update my BOS. I haven't written my rituals since Beltane. I have kept a record of them, but I would like them to be secure in my BOS. I need to just sit down, in the quiet, with my candles lit around me and take the time to write in my BOS. That is something I really need to do.
I haven't had any ill thoughts. Not lately. I am struggling with not taking certain meds when I really don't need them. I am going to try to pull myself off of them. I will let my therapist know how I am doing with it. Actually, both therapists. I see both of them this week. One on Wednesday and one on Friday. I know the session on Wednesday will be a tough one. I really don't want to go to it sober in any way shape or form. I will. I made a promise and I will keep it. I will show up there sober and probably in a lot of pain (my back). I will listen to her, and I will participate in the conversation and learning.
Other than all that? My back still hurts. I am actually eating 3 times a day. I am taking my meds 4 times each day. I am cooking what is in the house, and not ordering in on the credit card. Next step is to get back to some sort of exercise to work on my back and my core. Weight loss is not my goal. Getting out of pain definitely is.
Time for "regular" TV and time on the couch with TJ. Maybe he and I will go out to Hewitt's for some ice cream.
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Decissions and letting go
When i was in the hospital, one of the things i had to learn, was how to let go of things i had no control over. The MIT having His abuser attend His church. People i couldn't fix. My friends father's illness. i am still learning that lesson.
i need to get guardianship over my son. If i was to do it, He would end up with a public guardian. Someone who doesn't know Him and someone i don't know. My parents made the decision that we are going to get a lawyer involved, so He won't get a public guardian. So now, instead of looking over paperwork, filling out forms, stressing over what will happen next, i can just sit back, do as i am told and let it go from there. Some might say i am avoiding the responsibility of doing all the work, but i am not. i still stress over not getting the guardianship in time for a medical emergency. i still stress over the cost of the lawyer. i have learned to let go of things i have no control over. Mom and Dad offering to pay for the lawyer, just means i can let go of stressing over the other things. It is good.
i have decided to go to the "Intensive DBT" training. This means i loose my therapist Sandy. i have been seeing Sandy for almost 4 years. i started seeing her 4 months after Mike died. She and i work well together. Yes i will get a new therapist, but they won't know me. They won't know all the old shit i still have to deal with. They will be concentrating over the new shit and what is called "maladaptive behaviour". What i do when the bad shit rears its ugly head and how i "cope". i only made the decision after making sure i could go back to Sandy once the year is over, and i don't loose her while i am on the waiting list. We decided together, but i made the final call. So yes, i am loosing a great resource and support, but am going to be gaining techniques to deal with everyday stuff.
i have been walking almost every day. Last night i even just did laps around my survey because the MIT was alone in the house and i had to stay close by. It helps stop my over eating. It makes me feel good. It is helping my stomach shrink. i just have to remember to do it, no matter how i really feel at the moment i am supposed to be doing it. Also, i have a plan for each day of what i need to get done, and when to do it. Mornings are for cleaning or shopping or both, and afternoons are for the walk. An extra walk when i am find myself bored or have the munchies is also added to the schedule. Oh, and i also have allotted time to just sit with a cup of tea (i got my order from Steeped Teas) and read a book. It helps keep my mind busy and gives me an excuse to walk to the library every day.
So that is my update. i have made some good decisions, and have learned that letting go can be less stressful, but not stressless. Go ME!!!
i need to get guardianship over my son. If i was to do it, He would end up with a public guardian. Someone who doesn't know Him and someone i don't know. My parents made the decision that we are going to get a lawyer involved, so He won't get a public guardian. So now, instead of looking over paperwork, filling out forms, stressing over what will happen next, i can just sit back, do as i am told and let it go from there. Some might say i am avoiding the responsibility of doing all the work, but i am not. i still stress over not getting the guardianship in time for a medical emergency. i still stress over the cost of the lawyer. i have learned to let go of things i have no control over. Mom and Dad offering to pay for the lawyer, just means i can let go of stressing over the other things. It is good.
i have decided to go to the "Intensive DBT" training. This means i loose my therapist Sandy. i have been seeing Sandy for almost 4 years. i started seeing her 4 months after Mike died. She and i work well together. Yes i will get a new therapist, but they won't know me. They won't know all the old shit i still have to deal with. They will be concentrating over the new shit and what is called "maladaptive behaviour". What i do when the bad shit rears its ugly head and how i "cope". i only made the decision after making sure i could go back to Sandy once the year is over, and i don't loose her while i am on the waiting list. We decided together, but i made the final call. So yes, i am loosing a great resource and support, but am going to be gaining techniques to deal with everyday stuff.
i have been walking almost every day. Last night i even just did laps around my survey because the MIT was alone in the house and i had to stay close by. It helps stop my over eating. It makes me feel good. It is helping my stomach shrink. i just have to remember to do it, no matter how i really feel at the moment i am supposed to be doing it. Also, i have a plan for each day of what i need to get done, and when to do it. Mornings are for cleaning or shopping or both, and afternoons are for the walk. An extra walk when i am find myself bored or have the munchies is also added to the schedule. Oh, and i also have allotted time to just sit with a cup of tea (i got my order from Steeped Teas) and read a book. It helps keep my mind busy and gives me an excuse to walk to the library every day.
So that is my update. i have made some good decisions, and have learned that letting go can be less stressful, but not stressless. Go ME!!!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Blech
Today sucks.
The MIT is still home from school. He will be off until at least Monday. Gods i hope it is only until Monday. i am sick. Sneezes abound. i feel like crap.
i have been eating better. The only problem is after 9. After 9, i feel sooooo hungry. i crave everything. Meat, chocolate, cereal even. The nurse says it is because my body isn't used to normal blood sugars, and it is like my body is saying i have a low sugar, and needs the food. Problem with me, is i can't stop. Once i start eating, i just can't stop. i don't know how to fix this yet. i will figure something out. i just don't know what yet.
i have shown L a site i thought She would like. Well, She did. i definitely have to start learning how to do tatting. i have so many ideas for gifts for people. All just doing tatting. Then there is back to painting and etching glass. So many ideas. i should start a list. Not here. Don't want anyone i am making for seeing what i am making. Maybe that is something i can do when i get hungry. Plus there is also knitting again. The MIT really likes my knitted blanket. i want to make a bigger one.
Ok, time to go get dinner ready and take my meds.
The MIT is still home from school. He will be off until at least Monday. Gods i hope it is only until Monday. i am sick. Sneezes abound. i feel like crap.
i have been eating better. The only problem is after 9. After 9, i feel sooooo hungry. i crave everything. Meat, chocolate, cereal even. The nurse says it is because my body isn't used to normal blood sugars, and it is like my body is saying i have a low sugar, and needs the food. Problem with me, is i can't stop. Once i start eating, i just can't stop. i don't know how to fix this yet. i will figure something out. i just don't know what yet.
i have shown L a site i thought She would like. Well, She did. i definitely have to start learning how to do tatting. i have so many ideas for gifts for people. All just doing tatting. Then there is back to painting and etching glass. So many ideas. i should start a list. Not here. Don't want anyone i am making for seeing what i am making. Maybe that is something i can do when i get hungry. Plus there is also knitting again. The MIT really likes my knitted blanket. i want to make a bigger one.
Ok, time to go get dinner ready and take my meds.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Birthday weekend
Today is my full day off. i slept in (waking at 9:30). i have breakfast without anyone bothering me. i made and had a good, healthy lunch. i have done the dishes. i have finished knitting another ball of wool into my afghan. i am relaxing the only ways i know how.
The MIT will be here soon. i will help Him get changed into His uniform. i will send Him off to do His best and hope He is able to earn His brown belt. i am very proud of Him.
Today is also L's birthday. Part of me wants to send her a card, and wish her good wishes. i wanted to do the same on D's birthday. i just can't bring myself to do it. A friendship with them is not something i want to pursue, but they are still important in the MIT's mind. He knows it is her birthday. He asked if i was going to send her a card, just like when D's birthday came up. i can honestly say the hate is gone. The hurt is still raw. So no, i won't be sending a card to her today. Just like what happened on D's birthday. It is better that way. i know i am not someone they want to hear from, and i am still to hurt by what happened to put it all behind me.
Today is a just me day. A day to do what i want, need and enjoy. (plus wish i had a smoke, but not going to go and get any or smoke any. Week 5 starts Wednesday)
The MIT will be here soon. i will help Him get changed into His uniform. i will send Him off to do His best and hope He is able to earn His brown belt. i am very proud of Him.
Today is also L's birthday. Part of me wants to send her a card, and wish her good wishes. i wanted to do the same on D's birthday. i just can't bring myself to do it. A friendship with them is not something i want to pursue, but they are still important in the MIT's mind. He knows it is her birthday. He asked if i was going to send her a card, just like when D's birthday came up. i can honestly say the hate is gone. The hurt is still raw. So no, i won't be sending a card to her today. Just like what happened on D's birthday. It is better that way. i know i am not someone they want to hear from, and i am still to hurt by what happened to put it all behind me.
Today is a just me day. A day to do what i want, need and enjoy. (plus wish i had a smoke, but not going to go and get any or smoke any. Week 5 starts Wednesday)
Saturday, March 07, 2009
And it keeps going
The spotting i mean. i went for my ultrasound and then the doctor's. Won't know the results until Monday or Tuesday. When i move or change position, i bleed again. i am getting frustrated. i want the pain and the bleeding to stop. i want to get "normal" again.
Still not smoking. It is amazing how my bank account is reflecting this. It is interesting not having to worry about running out of money for another week. i am really proud of myself. i am doing really well.
i am getting bored with the afghan. i want to make something more difficult. i want to make something to wear. i think. i will finish the afghan. i will finish it soon. i will be needing it when we go camping again. i am trying to convince everyone (meaning the MIT, and Dad) that we should go at the end of this month, or the middle of April for the first trip of this year. i also need to figure out when we have to book sites for the summer. i so want to go camping again. It will be different with not smoking. i will need stuff to do with my hands when the MIT and Dad are busy watching DVD's. i am glad i have more recipes in my arsenal now. It will make camping and meal eating more fun.
Etsy is still drawing my attention. Sometimes it inspires what i want to do next. Sometimes it makes me want to spend money. i have a list of favourite sellers and favourite items a mile long. And i keep going back. There are so many interesting "shops" there. i have favourite jewelery shops. i have favourite pottery shops. i even have favourite handmade purse shops. i don't really have favourite knitting shops, mainly because i can knit and like to knit, and if they are listed as one of my favourites, it is because i want to borrow their patterns or ideas.
Oh, big news. The MIT is going to be grading for His BROWN belt on the 14th. He is doing really well with it, and His teachers are being really positive and only making a few concessions for Him. He is even self advocating to do it. He knows when He can ask to test. He knows that He needs to work hard. i am really proud of Him. After brown, it is brown-stripe, red, red-stripe, black. His teachers are working really hard to get Him to black. They want it so bad for Him. i am proud of them all.
Ok, time to get ready to go out and get groceries with my Mom and Dad (still no driving allowed). Then home to make chili and store it, chicken noodle soup and store it, banana bread and store it, and apple crisp and store it. It is a keep busy day. i don't know what i am trying to hide from, but it is what baking and cooking help me do.
Still not smoking. It is amazing how my bank account is reflecting this. It is interesting not having to worry about running out of money for another week. i am really proud of myself. i am doing really well.
i am getting bored with the afghan. i want to make something more difficult. i want to make something to wear. i think. i will finish the afghan. i will finish it soon. i will be needing it when we go camping again. i am trying to convince everyone (meaning the MIT, and Dad) that we should go at the end of this month, or the middle of April for the first trip of this year. i also need to figure out when we have to book sites for the summer. i so want to go camping again. It will be different with not smoking. i will need stuff to do with my hands when the MIT and Dad are busy watching DVD's. i am glad i have more recipes in my arsenal now. It will make camping and meal eating more fun.
Etsy is still drawing my attention. Sometimes it inspires what i want to do next. Sometimes it makes me want to spend money. i have a list of favourite sellers and favourite items a mile long. And i keep going back. There are so many interesting "shops" there. i have favourite jewelery shops. i have favourite pottery shops. i even have favourite handmade purse shops. i don't really have favourite knitting shops, mainly because i can knit and like to knit, and if they are listed as one of my favourites, it is because i want to borrow their patterns or ideas.
Oh, big news. The MIT is going to be grading for His BROWN belt on the 14th. He is doing really well with it, and His teachers are being really positive and only making a few concessions for Him. He is even self advocating to do it. He knows when He can ask to test. He knows that He needs to work hard. i am really proud of Him. After brown, it is brown-stripe, red, red-stripe, black. His teachers are working really hard to get Him to black. They want it so bad for Him. i am proud of them all.
Ok, time to get ready to go out and get groceries with my Mom and Dad (still no driving allowed). Then home to make chili and store it, chicken noodle soup and store it, banana bread and store it, and apple crisp and store it. It is a keep busy day. i don't know what i am trying to hide from, but it is what baking and cooking help me do.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
And then....
i did go to my therapist and told her how i was feeling about my last appointment with her. She totally understood. We talked about it, realized that it hit her personally and that she wasn't completely professional that day. i forgave her. i understand that for a woman (and she is younger than myself) the subject of giving up on having kids can be difficult. No big deal.
Best part was that i told her how i felt. i didn't let the idea that i wouldn't be pleasing and was probably not going to be getting her approval didn't stop me. i am getting better at that. Same thing with asking my Mom and Dad and Sis for help. i don't mind if they say no to me. It isn't a personal attack if they do that. It doesn't mean i am a bad person if i speak up. i still struggle with this, but i am watching myself get better with it.
Saturday was a difficult day. i pushed one of the MIT's OCD buttons, and He ended up getting physical with me. This included 2 kicks (and not passive ones, but deliberate ones) to my gut. Once i had gotten Him all calmed down, and sitting on the couch with my Sis, i went into my room, collapsed on my bed and i went into shock. i called the doctor on-call, and was told to take pain killers and if they worked, not to worry. Well, i started spotting Monday. i couldn't push out the pee from my full bladder without pain and more effort than should be required. i called the doctor yesterday. She is going to be sending me for an ultrasound. i am seeing her on Friday and we will be doing a urine test. On top of that, i have instructions to follow.
No driving
i can no longer pick up a laundry basket
i need to ask someone to put a 12 pack of pop in the fridge for me
i can not push the MIT in His wheelchair
If the spotting increases, i am to call and get an appointment to be seen
If i can not go pee again, i am to call and get an immediate appointment
Drink lots of water (tea is ok, but not so much diet pepsi. i drink tea slower than pop)
If it hurts, don't do it
At least i am still not smoking. Today started week 3. The staff at the diabetic clinic are proud of me. my therapist is proud of me. my Sis's groups is proud of me. The MIT's nurse is actually proud of me (she was sure i wouldn't and couldn't do it past a day or two). Heck, i am very proud of me.
Today i am fascinated by Etsy. It is an interesting site. i am enjoying looking at the "stores" of those in my province, and even in my city. It is cool. Some of the things i am seeing, i want. Other stuff is giving me ideas. The great news is i have been sitting here, and not craving a smoke. Go me!
Oh yeah...i gave up Chinese food for Lent
Best part was that i told her how i felt. i didn't let the idea that i wouldn't be pleasing and was probably not going to be getting her approval didn't stop me. i am getting better at that. Same thing with asking my Mom and Dad and Sis for help. i don't mind if they say no to me. It isn't a personal attack if they do that. It doesn't mean i am a bad person if i speak up. i still struggle with this, but i am watching myself get better with it.
Saturday was a difficult day. i pushed one of the MIT's OCD buttons, and He ended up getting physical with me. This included 2 kicks (and not passive ones, but deliberate ones) to my gut. Once i had gotten Him all calmed down, and sitting on the couch with my Sis, i went into my room, collapsed on my bed and i went into shock. i called the doctor on-call, and was told to take pain killers and if they worked, not to worry. Well, i started spotting Monday. i couldn't push out the pee from my full bladder without pain and more effort than should be required. i called the doctor yesterday. She is going to be sending me for an ultrasound. i am seeing her on Friday and we will be doing a urine test. On top of that, i have instructions to follow.
No driving
i can no longer pick up a laundry basket
i need to ask someone to put a 12 pack of pop in the fridge for me
i can not push the MIT in His wheelchair
If the spotting increases, i am to call and get an appointment to be seen
If i can not go pee again, i am to call and get an immediate appointment
Drink lots of water (tea is ok, but not so much diet pepsi. i drink tea slower than pop)
If it hurts, don't do it
At least i am still not smoking. Today started week 3. The staff at the diabetic clinic are proud of me. my therapist is proud of me. my Sis's groups is proud of me. The MIT's nurse is actually proud of me (she was sure i wouldn't and couldn't do it past a day or two). Heck, i am very proud of me.
Today i am fascinated by Etsy. It is an interesting site. i am enjoying looking at the "stores" of those in my province, and even in my city. It is cool. Some of the things i am seeing, i want. Other stuff is giving me ideas. The great news is i have been sitting here, and not craving a smoke. Go me!
Oh yeah...i gave up Chinese food for Lent
Friday, February 27, 2009
One week since
It has been one week since my surgery. It has been one week since i decided to quit smoking. So here is what has been happening.
Surgery - it went really well. The doctor was able to reach my fallopian tubes and clip them. i am now not able to get pregnant. i no longer have to worry about a little egg getting fertilized. Now, when i miss months of periods, i don't have the worry about possibly being pregnant (in those times i actually have sex). The hole in my belly button is healing slowly. The hole above my c-section scare is well passed healed. i have bruising on my belly that would scare some sadists (not any i know but you get the idea). The doctor had said she sends most people back to work a week after the surgery. When i reminded her that my "work" includes lifting a 150 lb teenage boy, she said i should take 3 weeks. Like that is possible. He (the MIT) decided that the surgery was going to make me sweeter and nicer and not so mean. He realized that wasn't the case when i sent Him to bed at 8:00 because of bad behaviour. i think i have to stop letting Him watch so many dog programs.
Stopping smoking - It has been over a week without a smoke. my sense of smell is heightened (i can even smell the meds on the patches i put on every morning). my sense of taste is better. The cold i had left with in days. i have been knitting. i am almost 1/2 way done. i am making a Quaker Stitch afghan. See :
It is an interesting stitch. i am really enjoying it. i knit when i feel like having a smoke or even if i am just bored and am thinking of eating for no reason.
Today is therapy day. Today i get to tell Sandy that i actually had the surgery. i don't know why her trying to talk me out of it, or just talking about not having it done bothered me so much, but it did, and still does. Like i didn't think it out all the way? Like i will regret it at the age of 45 and want to try to have another child? Like i have the energy to have another child? There are way to many other options if i ever felt that way. Everything from fostering to adoption. Yup, it is still bothering me.
Today, i am also looking at my bank account. i didn't have to put out $100 for smokes last week. i didn't have to put out $100 this week for smokes. It is weird, and i don't trust it yet. i don't trust that i will not need the money for something serious or for something "just because".
OK, time to head off to shower and get ready for Sandy.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Quit day coming
i am officially prepared for quit day. i only smoke in one spot in the house, and the rest of the time it is outside. i have my gift to myself in celebration to quiting. i have the surgery to help keep smoking off my mind. i will have pain on Thursday to help keep smoking off my mind.
The gift to myself is the wool and needles i have bought myself today. i have picked out my first knitting project, and i have everything i need for it. i am so excited, i want to start today, but i am not going to do that. It is my treat for quiting smoking on Wednesday. That is how i am picturing it. The good thing for giving up the yucky thing.
Other treats i will be giving myself at certain intervals are books, special ingredients for recipes, and what i am going to be doing in the summer (plants i want, building planting beds). i may even put some towards clothes.
Really, right now, the idea of saving money (over $1600 per year, plus gas) isn't part of my thoughts of quiting smoking. i know i will probably be spending a lot of that money on knitting projects. i know that some of it will go to more books on things like hedgewitch and incense blends. i know other parts of it will be going to my new joy in cooking.
One thing the "smoking" money will not be going to is food treats. There isn't any point. i don't want to gain weight while i am quiting. That wouldn't be a good thing. So treats are reserved to bettering myself, bettering my environment, and bettering my wardrobe.
So yes, i am actually looking forward to my quit day. i am looking forward to not needing to get up out of this chair, or any place i am sitting, just to have a stinky smoke.
The gift to myself is the wool and needles i have bought myself today. i have picked out my first knitting project, and i have everything i need for it. i am so excited, i want to start today, but i am not going to do that. It is my treat for quiting smoking on Wednesday. That is how i am picturing it. The good thing for giving up the yucky thing.
Other treats i will be giving myself at certain intervals are books, special ingredients for recipes, and what i am going to be doing in the summer (plants i want, building planting beds). i may even put some towards clothes.
Really, right now, the idea of saving money (over $1600 per year, plus gas) isn't part of my thoughts of quiting smoking. i know i will probably be spending a lot of that money on knitting projects. i know that some of it will go to more books on things like hedgewitch and incense blends. i know other parts of it will be going to my new joy in cooking.
One thing the "smoking" money will not be going to is food treats. There isn't any point. i don't want to gain weight while i am quiting. That wouldn't be a good thing. So treats are reserved to bettering myself, bettering my environment, and bettering my wardrobe.
So yes, i am actually looking forward to my quit day. i am looking forward to not needing to get up out of this chair, or any place i am sitting, just to have a stinky smoke.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Taking steps
i have started taking the steps to quitting smoking. i have removed the ashtray from near the computer. i have removed the ashtray from my room. i have 2 ashtrays out, and the rest put away. i am changing where i smoke, and when i smoke. All steps to making my quit day easier.
Other stuff. Hmmm. On the 4th i had the diabetic clinic, then doctors, then dentist. At the clinic, i told them about my quit date. i also told them about me cooking more and ordering in less. i was honest about not checking my blood sugars, about not taking my meds all the time, and about the amount of stress i was under. i told them about the antibiotics, and the strep. They were really happy. i mean really happy. They were proud of my choices. They were proud of my attempts. They understood about the stress. i walked out feeling pretty good about myself.
Off to the doctor's i went. We also talked about my stress level, how i was feeling, and what was going on in my life. We talked about the upcoming surgery, and what would happen if the gyno couldn't do the tubal. Another good appointment.
Off to the dentist. An emergency situation. Real pain i couldn't handle anymore. It was decided i would have a tooth removed. So, in goes the freezing and out comes the tooth. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch. The gauze kept catching on something. i found a "sliver" i could wiggle around. i went back to the dentist the next day. He couldn't see anything. That night, i did it myself. i found the sliver, took a pair of jewelry pliers and pulled out the sliver. Yes it was bloody, and yes it hurt, but i did it. Since then, the healing has been happening nicely.
Today i am home with a sick kid. Yes the MIT is sick again. Cough, sneezes of projectile mucus, and a fever. He was home also yesterday. These past two days have been filled with Smallville. i think my brain has turned to mush.
Today i also went out shopping with my Mom for my birthday presents. i had given her a detailed list, and she got what she could off it, but i wanted to pick out 2 things myself. my family doesn't care if i know what i am getting, they are just happy i am wanting to celebrate this year, and actually want stuff, and not just money.
Here is my list:
i don't know if i am avoiding anything, or if i am just feeling hyper. Heck i am not really feeling anything. i am worried about the surgery. i am worried about the MIT. i am worried about finances. i am worried about getting wool and patterns for after the 18th. i am worried about my teeth. i guess i am avoiding a few feelings right now. my big question is, how do i face them?
OK, time to go and spend more time with the MIT until the nurse gets here, and then off to read for a while.
Other stuff. Hmmm. On the 4th i had the diabetic clinic, then doctors, then dentist. At the clinic, i told them about my quit date. i also told them about me cooking more and ordering in less. i was honest about not checking my blood sugars, about not taking my meds all the time, and about the amount of stress i was under. i told them about the antibiotics, and the strep. They were really happy. i mean really happy. They were proud of my choices. They were proud of my attempts. They understood about the stress. i walked out feeling pretty good about myself.
Off to the doctor's i went. We also talked about my stress level, how i was feeling, and what was going on in my life. We talked about the upcoming surgery, and what would happen if the gyno couldn't do the tubal. Another good appointment.
Off to the dentist. An emergency situation. Real pain i couldn't handle anymore. It was decided i would have a tooth removed. So, in goes the freezing and out comes the tooth. Ouch, Ouch, Ouch. The gauze kept catching on something. i found a "sliver" i could wiggle around. i went back to the dentist the next day. He couldn't see anything. That night, i did it myself. i found the sliver, took a pair of jewelry pliers and pulled out the sliver. Yes it was bloody, and yes it hurt, but i did it. Since then, the healing has been happening nicely.
Today i am home with a sick kid. Yes the MIT is sick again. Cough, sneezes of projectile mucus, and a fever. He was home also yesterday. These past two days have been filled with Smallville. i think my brain has turned to mush.
Today i also went out shopping with my Mom for my birthday presents. i had given her a detailed list, and she got what she could off it, but i wanted to pick out 2 things myself. my family doesn't care if i know what i am getting, they are just happy i am wanting to celebrate this year, and actually want stuff, and not just money.
Here is my list:
- enamel coated cast iron dutch oven - gotten
- cutting board - gotten
- wire shelves (for the bathroom) - gotten
- cutlery tray
- 2 mortar and pestles - gotten (1)
i don't know if i am avoiding anything, or if i am just feeling hyper. Heck i am not really feeling anything. i am worried about the surgery. i am worried about the MIT. i am worried about finances. i am worried about getting wool and patterns for after the 18th. i am worried about my teeth. i guess i am avoiding a few feelings right now. my big question is, how do i face them?
OK, time to go and spend more time with the MIT until the nurse gets here, and then off to read for a while.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Quiting and Tubes
So, today i set a quit date. i picked the 25th of Feb. i then talked to my Dad and he suggested i join one of the many "free" quit smoking thingies. So i called. Suffice it to say, i am getting free patches, but my quit date is now the 18th of Feb. It doesn't scare me. i am not as enjoyed about smoking as i used to be. i am ready to quit.
i also got a call at 2:30. my gyno had a cancellation, so i am having my tubal ligation on the 18th of Feb. i have an appointment with her on the 12th, along with pre-op. Then on the 18th, i get to go to to the hospital on the 18th at 12:00, and then surgery at 2:30. It isn't a positive that it will work. See i am fat. The doctor isn't sure the instruments will be able to reach threw my fat and actually get to my tubes. So, i go in for surgery, but there is no guarantee that it will actually happen. At least the prospect is there.
So, i am now off to buy some smokes, then head over to P&E's with Beef and Barley soup.
i also got a call at 2:30. my gyno had a cancellation, so i am having my tubal ligation on the 18th of Feb. i have an appointment with her on the 12th, along with pre-op. Then on the 18th, i get to go to to the hospital on the 18th at 12:00, and then surgery at 2:30. It isn't a positive that it will work. See i am fat. The doctor isn't sure the instruments will be able to reach threw my fat and actually get to my tubes. So, i go in for surgery, but there is no guarantee that it will actually happen. At least the prospect is there.
So, i am now off to buy some smokes, then head over to P&E's with Beef and Barley soup.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Father's Day, Garden, and other stuff
It has been a while since i last posted here. i have been writing in my pen and paper journal almost every day. Things are good. Things have sucked.
my back went out on the 7th, so i have been struggling with that. Oxycotton was my saviour. Add the fact that the MIT has been full blown at least an hour every day, and needing lifting or support, it has been a big struggle. i now have to get up an hour earlier every day, to stretch out my back and be able to move and help the MIT. i am now on plain alieve. That is a good improvement. The MIT has 2 more days of school, and then summer vacation is on. i have signed Him up for summer school, but won't know anything about that until around July 6. Until then, it is "entertain MIT" time. i do hope He is accepted in the summer school program. It will give me a break for at least part of the summer.
Today is Father's day, and i will be going to my parent's place for dinner. i have the presents from me and Sis. i have to wrap them up and take them with me. The MIT wants to give Dad something that isn't even out yet. i need to find a picture of it so the MIT can give Dad something.
Dad and i have been getting along well. He helped me fix my outdoor tap and hose. We are planning on building the gate together. It is going to be a daughter/daddy project. We haven't done one of those in years. i think i can even get Him to help me with the garden dilemma. He feels like i do, that my neighbours don't really know what they are doing.
my gardening is coming along. i am enjoying my herbs. i have summer savoury drying in my kitchen, and it smells great. Having chives to enjoy when ever i want is wonderful. The lemon balm is coming along nicely. The lavender isn't doing too well, but it is a perennial, so i don't expect to see very much for a while. i am waiting for the chamomile to grab hold. my neighbours and i are sharing my back yard for a veggie garden. i want to fix what they have done. i just don't have the money for it right now. i need to box in that garden and put more soil in it, so all the seeds don't keep getting washed away. i also want to till out the grass area, and lay sod. What i have now looks like shit. i want the entire back yard to be functional and good looking. i like where the veggie area is, and i want to be able to build in a flower garden near where i want the gate and stair. my biggest issue is that my eyes and head have bigger ideas than my bank account.
Camp is 2 months away. i am really looking forward to it. It is the first time "we" don't have to be the "go-to" people. i am hoping for a relaxing weekend. i know i have to start planning for that. i know i will be transporting 2 benches. i will also be transporting my own stuff. i wonder about what we are going to do about meals, and what i have to buy for that. Other than gas for the van, and food for a meal or two, i am not lacking equipment or supplies. Costs shouldn't be too bad.
i have been keeping my friends in my thoughts. K has surgery coming up on the 20th. It could be the C word. It might not. i am hoping for not. L&D are struggling with their new friend Atlas. Atlas needs training, and has a habit of getting away from them. Hopefully over the summer the MIT and i can go out there and meet this new friend. He sounds like one heck of a challenge. P is worried about K. E is worried about P and K. B is worried about K. Heck, everyone is worried about K. S, well, i have missed her, and am being a bad friend to her. i have lost track of how she is doing. Her health issues have a name, and now she is having to deal with it. She is doing better than i have. i am jealous of that. i am jealous of the fact that she is able to keep her sugars under control, but i just can't keep a handle on it. She has much more self control than i do. i am proud of her for that.
The reflexology situation sucks. i have advertised places (kijiji, school program) but i am getting no bites. Plus i have forgotten the entire procedure and need to use the book again. If you don't use it, you loose it. i tried to give E a session, but had not taken my book, and forgot so much. i need to do a "do-over" with her. i need to make the effort to go out and actually do it to E and P more often. They are in much need of it, and i need the practice. Sis has had me do sessions for her. She has one coming Monday.
i am still very happy with the scene i had with PM. i am glad we did it. It showed me that i can still "take" a lot. It showed me that i am still me deep down inside. It also showed me that i am wanted and attractive to some. i just don't know how much i want to put myself out there. People i know, i am comfortable with. Strangers, not so much.
Well, i guess that is enough venting. There are presents to wrap, cards to create. There is racing to watch, and a much needed shower to take.
i hope everyone has a good weekend.
my back went out on the 7th, so i have been struggling with that. Oxycotton was my saviour. Add the fact that the MIT has been full blown at least an hour every day, and needing lifting or support, it has been a big struggle. i now have to get up an hour earlier every day, to stretch out my back and be able to move and help the MIT. i am now on plain alieve. That is a good improvement. The MIT has 2 more days of school, and then summer vacation is on. i have signed Him up for summer school, but won't know anything about that until around July 6. Until then, it is "entertain MIT" time. i do hope He is accepted in the summer school program. It will give me a break for at least part of the summer.
Today is Father's day, and i will be going to my parent's place for dinner. i have the presents from me and Sis. i have to wrap them up and take them with me. The MIT wants to give Dad something that isn't even out yet. i need to find a picture of it so the MIT can give Dad something.
Dad and i have been getting along well. He helped me fix my outdoor tap and hose. We are planning on building the gate together. It is going to be a daughter/daddy project. We haven't done one of those in years. i think i can even get Him to help me with the garden dilemma. He feels like i do, that my neighbours don't really know what they are doing.
my gardening is coming along. i am enjoying my herbs. i have summer savoury drying in my kitchen, and it smells great. Having chives to enjoy when ever i want is wonderful. The lemon balm is coming along nicely. The lavender isn't doing too well, but it is a perennial, so i don't expect to see very much for a while. i am waiting for the chamomile to grab hold. my neighbours and i are sharing my back yard for a veggie garden. i want to fix what they have done. i just don't have the money for it right now. i need to box in that garden and put more soil in it, so all the seeds don't keep getting washed away. i also want to till out the grass area, and lay sod. What i have now looks like shit. i want the entire back yard to be functional and good looking. i like where the veggie area is, and i want to be able to build in a flower garden near where i want the gate and stair. my biggest issue is that my eyes and head have bigger ideas than my bank account.
Camp is 2 months away. i am really looking forward to it. It is the first time "we" don't have to be the "go-to" people. i am hoping for a relaxing weekend. i know i have to start planning for that. i know i will be transporting 2 benches. i will also be transporting my own stuff. i wonder about what we are going to do about meals, and what i have to buy for that. Other than gas for the van, and food for a meal or two, i am not lacking equipment or supplies. Costs shouldn't be too bad.
i have been keeping my friends in my thoughts. K has surgery coming up on the 20th. It could be the C word. It might not. i am hoping for not. L&D are struggling with their new friend Atlas. Atlas needs training, and has a habit of getting away from them. Hopefully over the summer the MIT and i can go out there and meet this new friend. He sounds like one heck of a challenge. P is worried about K. E is worried about P and K. B is worried about K. Heck, everyone is worried about K. S, well, i have missed her, and am being a bad friend to her. i have lost track of how she is doing. Her health issues have a name, and now she is having to deal with it. She is doing better than i have. i am jealous of that. i am jealous of the fact that she is able to keep her sugars under control, but i just can't keep a handle on it. She has much more self control than i do. i am proud of her for that.
The reflexology situation sucks. i have advertised places (kijiji, school program) but i am getting no bites. Plus i have forgotten the entire procedure and need to use the book again. If you don't use it, you loose it. i tried to give E a session, but had not taken my book, and forgot so much. i need to do a "do-over" with her. i need to make the effort to go out and actually do it to E and P more often. They are in much need of it, and i need the practice. Sis has had me do sessions for her. She has one coming Monday.
i am still very happy with the scene i had with PM. i am glad we did it. It showed me that i can still "take" a lot. It showed me that i am still me deep down inside. It also showed me that i am wanted and attractive to some. i just don't know how much i want to put myself out there. People i know, i am comfortable with. Strangers, not so much.
Well, i guess that is enough venting. There are presents to wrap, cards to create. There is racing to watch, and a much needed shower to take.
i hope everyone has a good weekend.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Another year over
Last year i did not make any promises (what some people call resolutions) to myself. i decided that i wasn't ready to do that. This year, i feel i need to set some goals and promises to myself. This year i think i need it. So, saying that, here are the promises i have decided upon.
1) Forget about loosing weight, but concentrate on eating well, and eating 4 times a day. i will eat when my watch alarms, and i will eat the proper amounts of food, and the "right" types of food, so that my body can get used to having regular blood sugars.
2) Keep up on taking my medications on time. i find weekends the hardest, but i am going to work on this.
3) Earning the money to not only become a member of the OCR (Ontario College of Reflexology) but to also become registered with the Reflexology Registration Council of Ontario. This would mean i can work in Toronto and other places that require a reflexologist to be register. They also help with licencing and i get to put 3 more letters beside my name.
4) Earn enough money to by my dream reflexology chair.
5) Be more honest with my therapist, and work hard at getting better. This will include opening myself up more to her, and to myself. It will also mean having to look hard at the future, when there will eventually be no MIT in my life.
Those sound like pretty good goals to me. i also know what goals i wish for the MIT, but i can only point Him in those directions. It is up to Him to set His own goals. It is my job to see He has the skills to accomplish His goals.
1) Forget about loosing weight, but concentrate on eating well, and eating 4 times a day. i will eat when my watch alarms, and i will eat the proper amounts of food, and the "right" types of food, so that my body can get used to having regular blood sugars.
2) Keep up on taking my medications on time. i find weekends the hardest, but i am going to work on this.
3) Earning the money to not only become a member of the OCR (Ontario College of Reflexology) but to also become registered with the Reflexology Registration Council of Ontario. This would mean i can work in Toronto and other places that require a reflexologist to be register. They also help with licencing and i get to put 3 more letters beside my name.
4) Earn enough money to by my dream reflexology chair.
5) Be more honest with my therapist, and work hard at getting better. This will include opening myself up more to her, and to myself. It will also mean having to look hard at the future, when there will eventually be no MIT in my life.
Those sound like pretty good goals to me. i also know what goals i wish for the MIT, but i can only point Him in those directions. It is up to Him to set His own goals. It is my job to see He has the skills to accomplish His goals.
Monday, July 30, 2007
week 7, countdown, and confusion
Yes, today is the start of week 7 of the MIT's summer vacation. i am loosing my steam. i am still making Him breakfast every day. i am still trying to get Him out of the house. i am over tired, and things have gotten different. Friday we found out He had a broken baby toe that i had mistaken a week before that as a dislocation. A broken toes wouldn't be a problem normally, but for Him, it means that when that side goes, and He tries to walk, He is putting ALL His weight on that one toe. This, of course, means no karate, and stumbling all over the place.
The countdown is for camp. There is 18 days until the start of camp. That doesn't mean i have 18 days until i have to be there though. The org usually goes up the night before and leaves a day later. i don't know if i can actually go up there like usual. my Mom is not cooperating. LOL. Yes it all depends on her. Then again, i can hope that my sister doesn't find a job between now and then, and she can take care of the MIT during the times i need. That would be best case senario.
This will be the second camp without Mike, and the last camp we run. It is a big loss. i am still grieving Mike, and now i get to grieve something we all built together. No, i don't have the drive to actually do more. Hell, i don't know if i have the drive to survive this one. Another one, is just not something i am looking forward to. Going to someone else's event is hard. It is like trying to replace the perfect pair of pants with something new, and having to work them in. i don't like working another event in. Hell, we don't get to work another event in. We just get to go, and bitch about how we would like it if we did it. Then again, we are good at that. Both at bitching and creating something we would enjoy. i just wish we didn't have to work so hard to do it. my dream event would be one that we organized, and found people to actually do. We would "hire" those who would fulfill our dream, and we could sit back and let it happen. Then again, we are a bunch of control freaks, so it probubly wouldn't work that way anyways.
Confusion. Let's see. i am lonely. i want sex. i don't want to be in a relationship, or expected to have sex, but i would like to actually be taken out on dates. i am not ready to open myself up to anyone, but i would like to be taken out. Wined and dined. Shown off and shown a good time. Then again, i don't want to go out. i want to stay safe. i want to stay in my own "bubble" and just be. i guess the big question is, what do i want more? Do i want sex? Do i want my bubble? Do i want to go out? Do i want to stay home? i am not sure yet. Since i don't know, it isn't time to put myself out there. When i know it, i will take the dive. Just not yet.
The countdown is for camp. There is 18 days until the start of camp. That doesn't mean i have 18 days until i have to be there though. The org usually goes up the night before and leaves a day later. i don't know if i can actually go up there like usual. my Mom is not cooperating. LOL. Yes it all depends on her. Then again, i can hope that my sister doesn't find a job between now and then, and she can take care of the MIT during the times i need. That would be best case senario.
This will be the second camp without Mike, and the last camp we run. It is a big loss. i am still grieving Mike, and now i get to grieve something we all built together. No, i don't have the drive to actually do more. Hell, i don't know if i have the drive to survive this one. Another one, is just not something i am looking forward to. Going to someone else's event is hard. It is like trying to replace the perfect pair of pants with something new, and having to work them in. i don't like working another event in. Hell, we don't get to work another event in. We just get to go, and bitch about how we would like it if we did it. Then again, we are good at that. Both at bitching and creating something we would enjoy. i just wish we didn't have to work so hard to do it. my dream event would be one that we organized, and found people to actually do. We would "hire" those who would fulfill our dream, and we could sit back and let it happen. Then again, we are a bunch of control freaks, so it probubly wouldn't work that way anyways.
Confusion. Let's see. i am lonely. i want sex. i don't want to be in a relationship, or expected to have sex, but i would like to actually be taken out on dates. i am not ready to open myself up to anyone, but i would like to be taken out. Wined and dined. Shown off and shown a good time. Then again, i don't want to go out. i want to stay safe. i want to stay in my own "bubble" and just be. i guess the big question is, what do i want more? Do i want sex? Do i want my bubble? Do i want to go out? Do i want to stay home? i am not sure yet. Since i don't know, it isn't time to put myself out there. When i know it, i will take the dive. Just not yet.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
All F**KED up
i haven't written anything here in over a week. i have written in the MIT's journal (about His new meds). i have written in my pen and paper journal. i have talked stuff out loud. i just haven't written here. i also haven't been talking to friends. Things are just so fucked up right now. Nothing really that has to do with me exactly, but still close enough that it is causing me trouble.
my Sis, has fucked up big time. This includes things like lying to me, our parents, our Nana, my son, and her friends. On top of that, i have tried to help. By helping her, and her lying, i am now over due on some bills, have no money for gas, and can't go to my Mom for help because it will just get Sis in more trouble. Add to that, the feeling that i could have stopped the downward spiral and you have a recipe for me feeling guilty and angry and disappointed.
So i turn into myself. Unable to bring myself to talk to anyone. Unable to bring myself to open to anyone. Turning into myself then brings about feelings regarding the MIT. Watching Him loose little milestones, watching Him struggle with wanting to go outside (but not knowing how to play with younger kids, and not knowing how to really interact with older kids), watching Him loose muscle tone when He wants to do stuff. Turning into myself more brings about remember things with Mike. Yesterday was His anniversary with B. i wonder what she was thinking about. i wonder if she went to the cemetery. i wonder if she cried, like i do all the time.
i feel so helpless right now. Not able to fix things for my son. Not able to fix things for my younger sister. Not able to fix things for myself. i don't like that i can't fix anything. So then i get to the point where i can't fix me. i can't bring myself to climb out of my own head. i have to do something to fix at least myself. i have to find a way to do that.
So, today i am going to call my friends. i am going to re-connect with them all. i am going to pull myself out of my own ass, as much as possible. Especially since the MIT only has 3 more days of school after today. i have to find myself again. The vibrant me. The me that can be around other people. The me i seem to have lost the last month or so.
my Sis, has fucked up big time. This includes things like lying to me, our parents, our Nana, my son, and her friends. On top of that, i have tried to help. By helping her, and her lying, i am now over due on some bills, have no money for gas, and can't go to my Mom for help because it will just get Sis in more trouble. Add to that, the feeling that i could have stopped the downward spiral and you have a recipe for me feeling guilty and angry and disappointed.
So i turn into myself. Unable to bring myself to talk to anyone. Unable to bring myself to open to anyone. Turning into myself then brings about feelings regarding the MIT. Watching Him loose little milestones, watching Him struggle with wanting to go outside (but not knowing how to play with younger kids, and not knowing how to really interact with older kids), watching Him loose muscle tone when He wants to do stuff. Turning into myself more brings about remember things with Mike. Yesterday was His anniversary with B. i wonder what she was thinking about. i wonder if she went to the cemetery. i wonder if she cried, like i do all the time.
i feel so helpless right now. Not able to fix things for my son. Not able to fix things for my younger sister. Not able to fix things for myself. i don't like that i can't fix anything. So then i get to the point where i can't fix me. i can't bring myself to climb out of my own head. i have to do something to fix at least myself. i have to find a way to do that.
So, today i am going to call my friends. i am going to re-connect with them all. i am going to pull myself out of my own ass, as much as possible. Especially since the MIT only has 3 more days of school after today. i have to find myself again. The vibrant me. The me that can be around other people. The me i seem to have lost the last month or so.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Plans, thinking ahead, happy future?
Today is a good day, and i am making plans.
1) i am getting serious about my reflexology, especially since i only have until December to get all the procedures i need, and my testing complete. So:
a) i have emailed my reflexology teacher, to book a date for my written mid-term test.
b) i have posted on facebook and a freecycle group i am a member of so i can get more procedures done.
c) i am booking appointments with friends, so i can get more procedures done.
d) i am going to Ikea to get a small computer chair to use during procedures.
2) i am doing waterfit again, thanks to P. He is hard to say no too, and i like it. So:
a) i will be going to waterfit at least 2 times each week in the day time
b) i will be going out and finding a new suit soon
Hmm, that is all i can think of for now. Who knows what i can come up with later. Part of this planning has to do with my therapy.
i am learning how to center myself using my Baby Bear. i just hope Baby Bear's paw can handle all the centering. i just keep stroking his paw, and breathing, and i seem to stop the roller coaster of emotions i am currently going threw. i do have to say that carrying around a stuffed animal all the time, looks a little weird, but it is the way i need to do things right now.
The MIT is doing good. He doesn't seem to be having too many problems with the new med He is on. No seizures since He has started them, but then again, He hasn't gone full blown since He started them. Going full blown seems to be the catalyst that starts the seizures. The med the doctor chose, is reported to help with episodes, so maybe that is also what is going on. Also with the MIT, the school is noticing that He is regressing in some areas. Especially physically. At least i am not the only one that is seeing it. That kind of makes me feel better.
And me? i am still angry at Mike. i am still mad that He can't say sorry for the biggest lie He told. i am still mad for all the shit that happened after His death. i still can't grasp why He didn't leave a will. At least if He had done that, He could have given explicit instructions as to what He wanted after His death. At least, maybe, i wouldn't have been made out to be the bad guy so much. My emotions have been up and down like a roller coaster. i never know when a high will hit, or when a low will hit. Lows suck. Highs feel great. i just like the in between so much better.
Anyways, time to start packing my bag for swimming, and to get a hold of someone about reflexology.
1) i am getting serious about my reflexology, especially since i only have until December to get all the procedures i need, and my testing complete. So:
a) i have emailed my reflexology teacher, to book a date for my written mid-term test.
b) i have posted on facebook and a freecycle group i am a member of so i can get more procedures done.
c) i am booking appointments with friends, so i can get more procedures done.
d) i am going to Ikea to get a small computer chair to use during procedures.
2) i am doing waterfit again, thanks to P. He is hard to say no too, and i like it. So:
a) i will be going to waterfit at least 2 times each week in the day time
b) i will be going out and finding a new suit soon
Hmm, that is all i can think of for now. Who knows what i can come up with later. Part of this planning has to do with my therapy.
i am learning how to center myself using my Baby Bear. i just hope Baby Bear's paw can handle all the centering. i just keep stroking his paw, and breathing, and i seem to stop the roller coaster of emotions i am currently going threw. i do have to say that carrying around a stuffed animal all the time, looks a little weird, but it is the way i need to do things right now.
The MIT is doing good. He doesn't seem to be having too many problems with the new med He is on. No seizures since He has started them, but then again, He hasn't gone full blown since He started them. Going full blown seems to be the catalyst that starts the seizures. The med the doctor chose, is reported to help with episodes, so maybe that is also what is going on. Also with the MIT, the school is noticing that He is regressing in some areas. Especially physically. At least i am not the only one that is seeing it. That kind of makes me feel better.
And me? i am still angry at Mike. i am still mad that He can't say sorry for the biggest lie He told. i am still mad for all the shit that happened after His death. i still can't grasp why He didn't leave a will. At least if He had done that, He could have given explicit instructions as to what He wanted after His death. At least, maybe, i wouldn't have been made out to be the bad guy so much. My emotions have been up and down like a roller coaster. i never know when a high will hit, or when a low will hit. Lows suck. Highs feel great. i just like the in between so much better.
Anyways, time to start packing my bag for swimming, and to get a hold of someone about reflexology.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Living with It
So, the pain is still in-behind my shoulder blade. It doesn't look like it is leaving any time soon. So i have made a decision. i am going back to normal. i am going to try to reach my goals. i am going back to waterfit. i am going back to my life, and pretend the pain isn't there. i am doing all of this because i don't like how i feel right now. i feel fat, and lazy. i fell like a blob. i need to get moving again, and just deal. Last week was too much laying around and doing nothing. This week will be different. i will be going back to my life.
Part of the reason for this change in attitude, is i tried on some of my summer clothes from last year. Yeah, not a pretty sight. The other reason, was that i did sweep off my patio yesterday, and liked doing something physical again. i need to get back in control of moving around. i need, and want, to do more moving. i need, and want. to follow the goals i set for myself each week. i need, and want, to feel somewhat normal again.
This morning i woke up to the sound of a woodpecker. It is back. i have missed it. Years ago, when i first moved in here, there was a nice woodpecker that lived in a tree near my unit. The sound of it looking for food was so loud. The constant "tap-tap-tap" would drive me nuts, or bring me to a smile. From the sounds of this new woodpecker, it is in a tree fairly close, but not close enough to drive me insane. i love this time of year, when the trees all come back to life. When the birds are happy and chirping away. When i can open my blinds and have sun shine into my living room and warm me. When the nights have a slight chill. i love this time of year. Today will be spent doing more on the patio. No dressing it up with flowers yet. It isn't warm enough just yet. Instead i will be cleaning out the flower boxes of last year, and thinking about what to put in them this year. i also will be thinking about what changes i want to make this year. What i want to add, and what i want to take away.
So that is where i am. i am living with the sound of the woodpecker. i am living with the pain and working around it. i am living and moving and fulfilling my responsibilities.
Part of the reason for this change in attitude, is i tried on some of my summer clothes from last year. Yeah, not a pretty sight. The other reason, was that i did sweep off my patio yesterday, and liked doing something physical again. i need to get back in control of moving around. i need, and want, to do more moving. i need, and want. to follow the goals i set for myself each week. i need, and want, to feel somewhat normal again.
This morning i woke up to the sound of a woodpecker. It is back. i have missed it. Years ago, when i first moved in here, there was a nice woodpecker that lived in a tree near my unit. The sound of it looking for food was so loud. The constant "tap-tap-tap" would drive me nuts, or bring me to a smile. From the sounds of this new woodpecker, it is in a tree fairly close, but not close enough to drive me insane. i love this time of year, when the trees all come back to life. When the birds are happy and chirping away. When i can open my blinds and have sun shine into my living room and warm me. When the nights have a slight chill. i love this time of year. Today will be spent doing more on the patio. No dressing it up with flowers yet. It isn't warm enough just yet. Instead i will be cleaning out the flower boxes of last year, and thinking about what to put in them this year. i also will be thinking about what changes i want to make this year. What i want to add, and what i want to take away.
So that is where i am. i am living with the sound of the woodpecker. i am living with the pain and working around it. i am living and moving and fulfilling my responsibilities.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Goals for April 14-20
i haven't set goals for this week. i guess today is a good day to do that. First a review of last week's goals.
OK, goals for this week.
- Have 5 showers this week (Did ok with this. Didn't do 5 times, but did do 4)
- Get dressed 5 times this week (Did great with this, mainly thanks to going to waterfit, and other stuff)
- Go out at least 5 times this week (Again, did great with this)
- Eat as i should, and when i should, each day (Lunch is still a problem for me, and so is eating after 8:00. This is something i really want to work on)
- Take my meds when i should and as i should each day (Lunch meds are still a problem for me. This is something i need to work on)
- Go to aquafit at least 3 times this week (Done!!!!!!!!!)
- Book 4 reflexology sessions for next week (didn't book any sessions for this coming week. Still have my regular one with E, and am hoping to figure out time for D and now G)
- Go to all my and the MIT's appointments for the week (went to all, except my doctor's appointment, but that was because she cancelled)
OK, goals for this week.
- Have 5 showers this week
- Get dressed 5 times this week
- Go out at least 5 times this week
Eat as i should, and when i should, each day - Take my meds when i should and as i should each day
Go to aquafit at least 3 times this week - Book 4 reflexology sessions for next week
- Go to all my appointments for the week