Wednesday, September 26, 2007

4 more sleeps, and getting something back

The MIT is getting more and more excited. It is nice seeing Him get so excited about the trip. It is also nice to have Him being so cuddly right now. Every chance He gets, He snuggles up to me and lets me just hold Him.

Over the last little while, i have been getting back to being a solitary practitioner. i had moved away from it a bit. In May, on the anniversary of Mike's death, i did do a ritual, but since then, i really haven't been furthering practicing my beliefs. Lately, i have slowly been getting back to it. i have been making sure to stand outside in the sun in the morning. i have been basking in the glow of the moon (even when i can't see it). i have set up a little meditation space. i even stood outside last night, in the rain, naked, and felt my worries wash off me, as the cool wind and warm rain rolled over my skin. It feels right getting back into practicing. It feels right doing the little things to celebrate the earth around me. i am finding strength in it.

Today is my Mid-term exam and i am exhausted. Time to head back to bed for a nap, so i am fully able to function at 11:30. Wake-up at 10:30, get a shower and prepare my bag and files. i am not worried about the exam. Making mistakes, and being shown how to fix them is the purpose of this "exam".

And right now, today, everything feels right.

Monday, September 24, 2007

6 more sleeps

In 6 more sleeps, the MIT, my Mom and my Dad are flying to Sydney, Australia. Yup, only 6 more sleeps. In 5 more sleeps i get my bed back. i am both excited and scared. Mostly excited.

i had thought of going away for a few days. Just booking a room or cabin and going to a place away from my house. i just can't afford that. So, i have come up with some other ideas.

- visit St Jacobs for the day (allow money for meals)
- visit St. Catherine's for the day (allow money for meals)
- visit Ikea and buy at least one toybox
- buy windchimes, clay
- go to Ceramics each week
- book and do foot procedures (want to do at least 15)
- make chili, stew, BBQ, pork roast
- visit Oakville for the day
- visit Meadowlands for the day (allow money for meals)
- go to the movies
- watch movies

That is all i have right now. i am sure to come up with more ideas during the month. i just know it would have been nice to go someplace. Out in the woods. Listen to a stream. Walk in the sun. Walk in the moonlight. Get back a part of myself i feel has been missing. Then again, this is cheaper, and that means i can do more, and still do stuff that i like. Plus, my back patio can be my woods if i want it. So can any park near here. This will work.

Yes i am still scared about how the MIT will do on the trip. That is why i am keeping Him home from school for a couple days. Thursday we are going to spend some time together before heading to Toronto for Him to get His hair redone. His roots are showing. Friday is the day we are going to figure out what He is taking with Him. i would like to take Him out to dinner or something, but He wants to stick to His schedule on Friday, which includes karate.

Gods i am going to miss Him. Yes i am going to enjoy my time alone, but i am going to really miss Him. my days revolve around Him so much. i guess it is good practice for when He is gone.

Anyways, Wednesday i take my Mid-term practical test for reflexology. i am not nervous about that at all. i am actually looking forward to it. i know i will do well. i get to use my cheat book. i know my files are done well. i can't think of anything that could go wrong.

Ok, that is as much as i can concentrate on. Time to finish watching Journey Man.

Friday, September 14, 2007

LIfe sometimes sucks

The MIT made it through 8 days of school, and is now sick. Yes He is home sick. Damnit. i am keeping Him home because i want Him healthy for His trip in 16 days. i am even keeping Him home from Rygiel House this weekend. No break for me. Just me and the MIT. i am not even sending Him to karate. He has been home with me, non-stop since Thursday morning. It will continue to at least Monday morning. i may get to send Him to school Monday. Maybe. It all depends on how healthy He is by then.

Other than that, life kind of sucks. Nothing exciting is going on. No plans made for my month off. Can't afford anything. i will probubly be stuck at home, by myself, alone. There isn't even anything really going on that month. Nothing i would like to go to. Sure there will be Octoberfest with my friends, but that is about it.

Anyways, that is enough of my venting, as much as it is.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Feeling Blah

So, we survived the wedding. The MIT did great as the ring bearer. He remembered when He was supposed to talk. He didn't loose a side until after the ceremony (it was close, and He was worried, but it all worked out). He didn't complain to much about His picture being taken. It was a great ceremony. my favourite parts were when L said Her vows, and when D surprised the girls with their own rings. It made almost everyone cry. It was beautiful, simple, and exactly like them. It was an honour to be there, and to have the MIT a part of it.

This week is weird. i have nothing scheduled. It is like a week off for me. It is what the first week of school should have been like, but wasn't. The MIT hasn't argued with me about going to school yet. We still have last year's schedule. Sure it is a struggle to get up at 5:30 in the morning, but the half hour by myself, and then the half hour playing with the MIT and trying to get Him out of bed is worth it. It is nice i still have a cuddler. Every morning between 6 and 6:30 is spent cuddling with Him in bed, poking at Him and trying to get Him moving. It is a very special time for us.

It was hard explaining to the resource teacher about the MIT's prognosis. i had to do the same with the people at karate. The instructors at karate have really seen how much the MIT is loosing. They see that He has less balance, that He is requiring more help with one side gone, and that even though He is progressing socially and maturing, He is loosing skills He used to have. i am still grasping with His prognosis. The idea that He has reached His peak physically, and is falling backwards so quickly.

On Friday, Sandy and i talked about how i feel guilty that i no longer think about Mike each day. That there are more days in a row where i just don't talk to Him, or mention Him, or even think about how my life is different without Him. There are more and more days like that. The guilt is because part of me feels like i should be missing Him more. Then comes the feeling of loss. The feeling like i am missing feeling the grieving process. It is like i am missing feeling so bad. Weird. We are going to talk more about that soon. Apparently we are going to talk about my alcohol usage next visit. LOL. Drinking more than i normally do, 2 times a year, and we need to talk about it. That should be interesting.

Well, today is going to be another quiet day. Friday the MIT goes to Rygel again. Yes i will have 2 nights off again this weekend. Then 2 weekends after that, the MIT will be leaving for Australia. i have already made some plans. One of which is to visit where Mike is buried. i wonder how that will feel. i am going to take a picture of the MIT and i with me to put at His grave site. i need to do that for sure.

Monday, September 03, 2007

Finally summer is over, well, soon

One more sleep. That is all that is left of summer vacation. One more sleep. One more sleep until waking up at 5:30. One more sleep until making waffles and smoothies every day. One more sleep until making sandwiches for lunch. One more sleep, and i can actually have a nap during the day. One more blessed sleep until the MIT is back at school.

Today is getting the house in order. Today is making sure the MIT has all He needs for school. Today is finishing up from camp. Today is the day i will put a chair back in my van. Today is just getting things organized so i can actually make it tomorrow morning.

i also have some stuff to get done as far as a friend's wedding. i have the ring bearer's pillow to finish. i have to get some things to S to finish off another thing. i have to call about the "new" van. (i would really like to have it once the parents and MIT leave for Australia.) i have to make sure i hear from the insurance company again so the MIT has an iPod for His trip. That is about it this week. Sure i would like to get a nice dress for the wedding, but i can't afford that. i would love to get new shoes for it also. Other than that, i am good.

Therapy on Friday was eye opening. i actually admitted to how scared i am about the MIT dying. i talked about all the changes i have seen with Him. The growing of the type of seizure He is having. The need for an MRI. (He had the MRI last night.) i admitted that although i need the break, i am scared to send Him to Rygiel House. (yes i did send Him, and yes it went well, but still) i seem to be very scared right now. Scared of everything. Stressed by everything. i admitted to not being on edge. That the sound of people's voices are irritating. The sound of Sandy's computer was driving me mad. The noise outside her door was intolerable. It was nice to admit it all. i had hidden it down inside me so far, that i was ignoring how i was feeling again. Time to deal with it as it comes to me. Time to ride out the waves again.

Other than all that, Friday made me feel much better. i let it all out, and am still thinking about it, but it isn't driving me absolutely nuts. i am guessing part of that is the fact that i actually had two nights of no beeping, no complaining about what should be on TV. No arguing about bed times. It was a nice, secluded weekend. i needed it.

Now that school will be back in session, i can schedule reflexology treatments during the school day. That will be nice. i also have a couple of projects to complete at ceramics. i am excited and nervous about October. And i have dishes that need doing as i type. Off i go then.