Wed, 21 Jun 2006

i am no longer going to exchange emails with Bev. i can't anymore. She was nice on the last couple, but i can't handle even seeing that i have received one from her. Peter is going to handle them from now on. Of course she threatened me again once i asked her to only email Peter. She threatened the cops coming to take Your stuff away. i went to the munch last night. It was a good munch. On the way home, i remembered that last time i drove home from the munch, You were here waiting for me. It was our last night together, ever again. i kept talking to You last night. i kept asking You to hold me, to let me feel You against my skin. Begging You to wake me up this morning. You didn't of course. You can't. You died. i can never feel You hold me again. i can never hear Your voice again. i will never smell You again, feel You in my mouth again, feel Your hands on my skin, feel the kiss of Your toys on my skin again. None of it.Never mind. i know this is a dream. That i have a lesson to learn from all this and once i have learned the lesson, i will wake up and You will be here, and everything will be normal again. We will send Mom and TJ off to Ottawa the right way. We will spend the time Mom and Dad take TJ away the right way. You will be at the org meetings and You will be here for S/mer camp. That is what will happen once You wake me up. That is the way it will be. It has to be. i'm going to lie down now. i need to feel You holding me. Maybe if i lie down in O/our bed, i will feel You. i need to feel You. i need You hear with me, and i need You back. Please. If this is the reality i am supposed to accept, please just let me feel You holding me. Let me smell You in O/our bed. Let me hear Your voice. Anything. Please.Still waiting to wake-up

Fri, 16 Jun 2006

know You aren't here, but i still need to talk with You, so here i am again. Our private space where i get to sound off, and You talk to me later about it. Whenever You get around to reading it that is. i need You to see the picture TJ had me take of him and i the day You died. The one he called You about, but You didn't answer the phone. i should have known something was wrong when You didn't answer the phone. Anyways, here it is. He started calling me shrimp after that. He was a good inch taller than me that day. He is taller now. You would be so proud of him and how he is doing. He has been talking with Beth, and is still blaming himself for You dying. He still wants to ignore it ever happened. He still says things that include You and makes plans that include You. He started asking about if i would be watching Big Brother with the two of you again this year. He was fooling around outside and i was scared he would get hurt, and he said that it was ok, "Mike will fix me if I get hurt". i don't know what to say to him when he says stuff like that. i had to re-teach him what to do if i used the epipen. He said that he was to call You, but that he knew he couldn't cause You were dead. The night the mouse came out, he gave me a big hug while Dad set traps and waited for it to show its head. He had me walk around outside, and kept saying "ask Mike how to get rid of it. Just look up and ask Mike, He will tell you" i tried to explain that i still can't hear You. That i can't feel You. It was too hard of a concept for Him to understand.Sherry is letting me call Her Mistress now. i still feel like an extra, an added-on. Someone She must feel obligated to look after. Peter said something about Her last night. Something along the lines of "what is Her deal anyways?" i looked at Him blankly and He said "i don't get Her, there is just something". i left it at that. i don't need to deal with that. i called Sherry Mistress in the Alt channel when Kat was there. We figure there will be some sort of questioning going to happen. That is one of the reasons Sherry, buffy and i are going to Monster's Munch. i am so nervous. There are people there that don't know that the 4 of us were working together. That the dynamics were great with the 4 of us. Tomorrow is the Org meeting. i have promised Peter i will be there. i don't want to go. i want to go off and pretend that life hasn't moved on without You. i don't want to be there and not hear "Hold on a minute" or "no ifs ands or buts", or even the "nevermind". Helmut wants to hold another kind of ritual for You at camp on the Friday night. That is way to much for me to handle. Another 2 months of trying to pretend that i am ok, and then having to deal with all the emotions surounding just being at camp without You. i can't handle that. It will be hard enough this year. Bev emailed me again. She wanted information about how to get ahold of Dr. Crombie. i called Carrie to make sure it was ok. Carrie said it was fine, so i will be sending that off to Bev soon. Bev also asked what i thought would be nice for TJ to have to remember You by. i figure anything that TJ had given You as gifts would be a good idea. Bev still shows so much anger in her email to me. She made the comment that she didn't know what to send for TJ, as she didn't think the female clothing and the 2 sex toys were appropriate. i wish she understood our relationship better, that i was never a threat to her. Anyways, it is time to go and get Sherry and then head out to the munch. i wish You were going to be there. i downloaded all of the photos i have of You onto the iPod You gave me. That way i can carry images of You where ever i go. Sherry even sent the ones from the last time we all played together. i have You standing over my red ass for the last time. i miss You so much. i know You can hear me. i know that when i talk to You here i am talking to You. i know that i am blocking out feeling You and hearing You because that would make this all real. You still have the deadline i set. You have until the morning of the 18th. i love You. Please just wake me up.

Fri, 9 Jun 2006

You lied more. You lied in Your journal. You lied when You told me and Sherry what was going on. You lied about not knowing why You needed to move things so quickly. You lied with the reason Dr. Miller called You into his office. i read the report. The CT that was taken in April, was compared to the one taken in August. The one that was taken AFTER surgery, and AFTER checmo and AFTER radiation. There was no barium in your system when the August CT was taken. It was read perfectly. There were lesions on Your liver. There were lesions on Your diaphram. There were lesions on the lymphnodes in Your abdomen. There was cancer everywhere. You were diagnosed as stage 3 after those CT's. They were scheduling You for biopsies at the end of May, not another CT. They were scheduling You for more investigation. This all explains stuff like You not dieting. You knew You were loosing weight again, and why You would be loosing more without changing what You were eating. You were wanting to fit so much more into Your life right now, because You knew You would have to start fighting with Your body again. You getting so angry that i showed up at the hospital the day that CT was read. You had hoped to put it in the back of Your head and not tell me, or anyone, the results. Why did You think You would have to go through all that alone? Why did You think i wouldn't want to know and would be there no matter what? Why did You have to hide it all? i know that the cancer didn't kill You. i know You didn't kill Yourself. So what was it that gave out? What was it that quit in Your body to take You away from me so soon after we were working so well together again? Why did You leave without taking care of the damned mouse? (yes the mouse is back). Why did You leave at all? Why does Bev say that You and i weren't what we once were anymore? What was it You told her? You told me You didn't tell her about the loosing of the collar, that as far as she knew everything was normal. Is it just her assumption that because Sherry is in Your life that she thought i was no longer there with You? Was it not really You that told her stuff but Aaron and Lore that did? Did they give Bev access to Your journal and did she read it in a way that made her feel better? Why does she have such a hate on for TJ? Why did she have to send me that bloody email about how TJ was not Your blood? When are You going to wake me up and answer all these questions??????

Thu, 8 Jun 2006

This is the only place i can talk to You Master. You aren't on msn anymore. You aren't on yahoo anymore. You don't get emails anymore. This is the only place. Why did You have to say You were going to be giving me Your collar back? Why? It gave me hope. Hope i don't have anymore. Why did You have to not email me often and only tell me You loved me on MSN or yahoo? Someone told Bev i wasn't important to You anymore. What do i have to do but sit here in my knowledge and just sit back and take all it is they have to say. i learned from You not to defend it. To just ignore it. i don't want to. i want to post conversations we had on MSN where You are giving me orders, and telling me You love me and that You and i were a full couple again. i want to post the ones where You said i belonged to You still, and always would. i want to screem and screem that i was more than just a friend before You died. i want to show the things You said to me. i have to go see the doctor today. She is going to find what she remembers as an abdominal ultrasound You recently had. If she remembers right, then it means You were in more trouble with Your cancer than You made out. i wonder if You told Bev about it. You didn't tell me or Sherry. You told us everything was ok. You would like what i did in the back patio. i got a new table and chairs, and i got planters. i am going to get flowers soon. Maybe today or tomorrow. i need it to be bright and different than when we would sit out there together. i have only sat out there once since You died. Bev says i don't get to go through what is left of Your stuff once she is done with it. She says i have to move on. She called me Your fuck friend. God i know how mad that email would have made You. You would have emailed her back. i can't. She is threatening legal action. Lore and Aaron are on the same band wagon. They did things that went against Your wishes. They went behind my back and have insulted me, have "threatened" me, have said things about You and me. People have said i shouldn't engage in their war with me. i haven't. they said You wouldn't have wanted me to. i almost laugh when they say that. You were the worst to act if someone did that. You would have been all over them and emailed back and forth with them. You would have made it public and told them off. i can't. i have to live with the consiquences of doing that. You don't have to now. You aren't here to defend me anymore. Did You ever really change Your will Master? You had said You did. You had said i would be taken care of. What was it that You meant? How was i to be taken care of? Did You leave instructions to Peter and Erin on what to do with me? Did You leave me instructions on how to get on with my life? i tried to make myself come Master. i couldn't do it. i kept wanting to call You like i always would to get permission. i wanted to hear Your voice telling me i was Your slut. i wanted it to be like it was on the 16th, when we were last together. i needed to feel You inside me like that night. i needed to feel Your hand in my hair, Your fingers pinching my skin, Your beating me with the blue strap while You moved in and out of me. i can't say this anywhere else. i can't talk to You anywhere else. i can't go up to see where they put Your ashes in the ground. Bev or Chris would get all angry. Especially with Your wedding anniversary coming up on Sunday. i wonder if Bev has figured out that i was the one that always reminded You of the date, or the date of her birthday, or the date of Chris's birthday, or the date of April's birthday, or the date of Neil's birthday? i doubt it. i have to go. It is time for me to get a shower, put on my cream, wake up TJ, and get on with the day. i miss You so much Master. Please wake me up soon

Sun, 4 Jun 2006

Why won't You wake me up? Why did You leave me here to clean up Your messes again? i get that You lied to me, over and over and over. Sherry shouldn't have had to learn that. Even now i hold our last conversation on MSN a secret. i have kept so many of Your secrets. You telling Bev that You worked on the weekends You wanted to be in town here. You telling one person one thing, and another a different thing. You saying what You think someone wants to hear, and hold the real, and total truth inside. i get that You left me with the lies You told me. i have lived with them so long, they are a part of You and of what i hold on to. But You have left me to not only make decisions without clear guidelines and alienate people, but You also left me to deal with the lies You told someone else. How many other lies am i going to have to clean up for You? How many other things am i going to have to hear or fix? i am not that strong. i am not that brave. But You also left me to be an extra. That extra person in a group. That extra person in a three-some. That extra person that doesn't have anyone inlove with them. That extra person that has no one for themselves. i want to fucking wake up. Now damn it. i want to wake up. Fuck, why did You have to leave me this way. Why couldn't You just say that You didn't want me around anymore. Why won't You fucking wake me up and make this all go away. i am so tired of living this reality. i want to wake up back to normal. i need to wake up back to normal. i can't do this much longer. i am ready to give up. i can do it soon too. TJ leaves in less than i week, and i can do it. i can finally give up. i can't be an extra. i can't hold on much longer. i can't see tomorrow anymore. i can't wait much longer to wake up. i am ready. i really am ready. i am ready to wake up, or go to sleep forever. Just tell me where You are and wake me up and let this all go away. i need You and i want You and i have to wake up. i can't do this anymore. Please wake me up. Please. i just want to wake up. Please. Please Master, please wake me up. Please, please, please. i'll beg. i'll plead. i'll do anything. just please. please. please just wake me up Master. Please.