Therapy exercise 2 - What i have accomplished since Mike died

This is the second exercise Sandy wanted me to do over this week. Again, this is just beginning, and will probably grow over the next few days or so. (Not in any specific order)

• Becoming a certified reflexologist - i remember Mike not being very supportive of this idea at one point. i am proud of doing this
• Taking responsibility for taking my meds - i had turned this over to Mike. i shouldn't have. i have to have control over something before i can give it to someone else. Now i have control over it.
• Letting myself feel what and when i feel it - This was something i needed to work on way before Mike died. The fact that Mike died made the process of getting the help i needed for it quicker.
• Getting to know L&D better - Before Mike died, we weren't really big friends. After Mike's death, we were able to get together more and learn about each other more.
• Taking interest in my garden - This is becoming more of a therapy than i expected. i actually go out weeding and worry about all my plants

Therapy exercise 1 - What i miss since Mike died

So one of the things Sandy wanted me to do over the next week, was to come up with a list of all the things i miss since Mike's death. i figured i would start now, and when other stuff came up, i would edit it in later. (these are in no specific orders)

• Intimacy - The feeling of knowing what the other person was feeling and knowing that there was someone who could tell what i was feeling. The feeling of being able to just be me.
• Sex - should be self explanatory.
• Being a couple - Being a single sucks. Going to events alone. Being the only single in a group of couples sucks.
• Rules - Having a set of thing to do, ways to act, things to accomplish that i don't have to think up all on my own
• Going to events - Since Mike died, it is harder for me to go to events, especially since i go as a single person now.
• Reminders - Being able to blame Mike if i don't do what i need to do

being in pieces

So today was therapy day. Yuck. i couldn't help but cry. i didn't intend to. i don't know what i thought would happen. i knew we were going to be talking about the 17th, and how i handled it. i even brought my written journal with me to show Sandy. She wanted me to read it to her. i couldn't, and i broke down.

The rest of the hour was me trying not to cry, and not being very successful at it, and Sandy reminding me, that it was a safe place to do it, and a good time to go for it. Still, i fought it. i just didn't want to cry any more. i thought i was done with it for the month. i thought i was "over it". i was wrong. Even now tears are streaming down my face.

i am still so angry about His dying. i am still so angry about not being able to go and visit where His ashes were buried. i am still so angry about not knowing the results of the autopsy. i am still so angry with the way some people in the "community" handled His death and their needs. i am still so angry with all the lies i knew He told me. i am still so angry finding out all the truths He hid from me. i am angry He left me. i am angry i am alone to raise the MIT. i am angry i can't even listen to His explanations. i am angry about loosing a part of me when He died.

And i am sad. i am sad, sad, sad, sad. i don't like feeling sad. There isn't a "reason" around being sad. There is a "reason" around being angry. i just can't justify being sad. my brain just doesn't compute it. But sad is what i feel. So i guess i have to get used to it. i guess i have to get used to feeling sad. At least for a little while.

i made it to the other side?

So i survived last weekend. i cried a lot. i wrote a lot. That was about it.

i did what Sandy suggested. i kept my written journal with me all day. i kept writing in it. Little thoughts. Depressing thoughts. Anything that came to mind was written down. There was talking to Mike. There was talking to myself. i haven't read it since i wrote it. i don't know if i will.

What surprised me, looking back now, is how i was acting. i spent most of the day sitting on the floor. i didn't sit on the couch, or on a chair. i was either lying on my bed, lying outside, or sitting on the floor. i was sitting on the floor where i would have if He was here. i didn't even realize it at the time. It took until Sunday, after picking up the MIT, before i realized it.

This week has been hard. Still no nursing. Add in a sick kid. Add in no karate. That all totals too much time with my son LOL. i am tired. i am stressed. i am concentrating more on Him than on me. That is always a worry as far as Sandy is concerned. i know she is right. i need to spend time on me. Without the nursing, i just can't. With His being sick, i just can't. i guess that is what Sandy meant when she said she didn't think i would be able to let myself go crazy.

Today is the anniversary of Mike's funeral. Today we (P&E, D, H&D, Sis) were in Seeley's Bay (well close enough). Today we were listening to "Live Like You were Dying" by Tim Mcgraw. Today we listened to the Minister explaining that she didn't have all her notes and passages to read. Today we saw His truck again, but it had a car seat in it. Today we watched the box carrying His ashes. We didn't go to the cemetery. We did see people leaving the cemetery for a fire call. Today we were the only family of His that cried.

Today, i am enjoying the sun. Today i am enjoying the quiet of my house. Today i will be BBQ'ing steaks and burgers to put away. Today i am keeping an eye on the races. Today i am tired and stressed and ready to do as little as possible. Today i am planning for the week. Today i am just being me. It is nice to finally take time for myself.

Time for a reality check

Time for me to list all the things that make me happy. i think it is a perspective i really need right now.

• Spending mornings with the MIT watching TV series on DVD.
• Cuddles with the MIT.
• Figuring out what plants to put in my house, garden, and boxes.
• The way my family supports me.
• The way my friends support me.
• Spending time with my family (yes even if we fight a bit).
• Spending time with my friends (all of you. P&E, L&D, S, D&H, B).
• Playing with kids in the neighbourhood.
• The green in my house.
• Keeping my house somewhat clean and in order.
• Sleeping with Splotchy, My Baby Bear, Elli, Hippo, and Eeyore.
• Rocks.
• Flowers.
• Knowing that i am taking my meds every day, and when i am supposed to.
• Actually cooking (i know, this hasn't been one for a very long time).
• Sunshine (that is why i am opening my blinds every day).
• Making my bed every day.
• BBQ'ing.
• Lighting candles.
• The look on the face of the MIT when He finds out i will be letting Him stay up late to see a movie.
• The MIT hugging me and jumping up and down when He is happy.
• Looking at pictures of Mike.

So, yes, even in this time of grief, i can find things that make me happy. i have to hold on to these. It is a tool. i know that. i just have to remember it. It is hard. The grief feels so overwhelming. Remembering what makes me happy, or feel good on the inside, is hard to find sometimes. This morning, i needed to remind myself.

Still lost

Yesterday was hard. i was going to go to my Mom's for dinner, made and served by my Sis. This was to be the first Mother's Day i hadn't spent alone. The plan was great. i was even excited about it. Then it was getting time to go.

i felt it. my chest tightening. my breathing quicken. Sweat breaking out on my forehead. Feeling overly warm. The panic attack. i wasn't going to let it stop me. i needed to be able to do this. i needed to be able to leave the house. i needed to push myself past it. So out the door i go. Ready to spend dinner at the folk's place.

As i pulled up to the stop light, i see my Dad, with the MIT. i back up and head home, with them following behind me. i guess my Dad was overly frustrated with the MIT. my brain changed. i was in Mommy mode. i took charge. i took the MIT into the house and sent my Dad home. i called my sister and let her know what was going on. i got the MIT calmed down. i called my Mom and told her we were on our way.

i fixed everything. i got my act together quickly. That is the effect the MIT has on me. It is a "have to" situation (yes Sandy i can hear you groaning now). It is a time when how i feel, where my brain and heart are, have to shut off. It used to last long enough that i could just turn it all off for weeks. It isn't like that anymore.

By the time i got home, i was back in that lost, high anxiety place. i was back to thinking and feeling. Not good thoughts. Feelings are neither good or bad. i was and am back to being lost in grief.

From all i have learned from therapy, is to go with the feelings. Let myself feel them. They will pass. It doesn't feel that way. It feels like i am drowning in them. It feels like they will overcome me and send me into a spiral.

Today i have a meeting. i don't know if i will be able to function at this meeting. i don't even care if i do.

Dear Sir

It is only a week away. One week before the anniversary of Your death. i am reliving the pain and the hurt. i am reliving the grief. i keep reading our emails from back then. i keep reading the histories from our conversations leading up to that day. i keep reading the emails from friends from after that day. i keep reading emails from Bev from after that day. i don't want it to be real. i need it to be anything but real.

2 years ago we were so proud of the MIT. We were all going, as a family to the "Yes I can" awards. Our family. You, me, the MIT, my Mom and my Dad and my Sister and my Nana. The family You chose to spend Your time with. 2 years ago, Mother's Day was a celebration of Your upcoming birthday. 2 years ago, we were together, working on us, being us. 2 years ago, i was happy, i was alive, i was who i am supposed to be. i was Yours.

i am no one's. i am not submissive. i am not me. You made me feel like a person. i don't feel like that with You gone. i am a ghost, a shell. i am empty and alone. i need You so much right now. All i have of You is stuff. Not You. Just stuff. Meaningless stuff.

No arms to wrap around me. No sound of Your voice in my ear. No feel of Your body next to mine. No hand wrapped in my hair. No one to call when i need to feel myself again. No one to put me in my place. No one to calm me. No touch that sends me to my knees. No one that calls me Theirs. No one to lean against, to kneel at Their feet.

i am still Yours. In my heart i still belong to You. i still feel Your collar around my neck. i still wait for You to come in the door. i still look for You when i am with our friends. i still sit at Your feet watching TV. i still wait for You to come to me in the backyard in the middle of the night. i still want Your mark on my skin.

i haven't forgotten all the bad. i still remember that too. The lies still hurt. The finding out more lies still hurts. The knowing You couldn't or wouldn't stop hiding things from me. It is all still there, but it doesn't matter. i would take all the lies, all the hurt, all the pain of trying to work things out if You were just here.

When is it all going to be ok for me? When is May not going to suck so much? When will i be able to look at the coming day and not burst into tears from the pain of You leaving me so alone? When will it stop hurting so much?

Your slut. Your submissive.
lyxanna{TZ}

10 more days

i am now at the realization that what i am feeling is not sleep deprived, but actually depressed. Deeply depressed. Curl up in a ball, hide from the world, and loose myself depressed. i have been thinking of taking stuff to kill how i am feeling. Drinking, taking drugs, anything to stop feeling.

i am trying to do what i can to not fall so deep into the hole in front of me. i open the blinds every day to let what sun there is, in the house. i get dressed and make my bed every day. i cook every day. i keep up on dishes and laundry. Anything so i can avoid what i am feeling. Yeah, back to old patterns.

i just don't want to feel the gaping hole in my heart and head. i don't want to keep crying myself to sleep. i want to pretend that this isn't a bad month. i want to block all the hurt and pain. i just don't want to feel right now.