Thursday, June 19, 2008

feeling rejected

That is the only way to describe how i am feeling tonight. i really shouldn't be up. i should be lying down and getting what ever small amount of sleep i can out of the night, but this feeling is just eating at me.

In April, i opened myself up to be rejected. i opened up and told someone that i would like the chance to try to get back what we once had. It was a nice reaction i got. We talked about going to an event together. We talked about the fair coming up and maybe hitting that. i called the week before the event, asking if she wanted me to book us tickets. i never got an answer back. i called a week later. i called a week after that. She called when there was an emergency with her daughter. She said she would call me and let me know how it went. She never called back. i have still kept calling and leaving messages. i even left one asking if i had done something wrong. Still no call back, but a mass email to all friends was sent out. i then saw her profile on a site. i answered it. i answered it with all seriousness, as i did when i opened up to her in April. That was when she let me know she was spending time with someone else. That she didn't want to stretch herself to thin, and not be able to give all of herself to anyone.

i totally understand. i do. i get that a person only has so much energy to give around. i just wonder if she ever knew how serious i was in April, and if that would have made a difference. i just wonder why i never got calls back. i just wonder if there is something about me (yes self doubt is still and issue with me).

i still love her to pieces. That won't change. my friendship to her will never change. Nor will my desire to serve her change. Maybe one day the stars and planets will aline properly and this could actually happen.

But right now, i just feel rejected.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Father's Day, Garden, and other stuff

It has been a while since i last posted here. i have been writing in my pen and paper journal almost every day. Things are good. Things have sucked.

my back went out on the 7th, so i have been struggling with that. Oxycotton was my saviour. Add the fact that the MIT has been full blown at least an hour every day, and needing lifting or support, it has been a big struggle. i now have to get up an hour earlier every day, to stretch out my back and be able to move and help the MIT. i am now on plain alieve. That is a good improvement. The MIT has 2 more days of school, and then summer vacation is on. i have signed Him up for summer school, but won't know anything about that until around July 6. Until then, it is "entertain MIT" time. i do hope He is accepted in the summer school program. It will give me a break for at least part of the summer.

Today is Father's day, and i will be going to my parent's place for dinner. i have the presents from me and Sis. i have to wrap them up and take them with me. The MIT wants to give Dad something that isn't even out yet. i need to find a picture of it so the MIT can give Dad something.

Dad and i have been getting along well. He helped me fix my outdoor tap and hose. We are planning on building the gate together. It is going to be a daughter/daddy project. We haven't done one of those in years. i think i can even get Him to help me with the garden dilemma. He feels like i do, that my neighbours don't really know what they are doing.

my gardening is coming along. i am enjoying my herbs. i have summer savoury drying in my kitchen, and it smells great. Having chives to enjoy when ever i want is wonderful. The lemon balm is coming along nicely. The lavender isn't doing too well, but it is a perennial, so i don't expect to see very much for a while. i am waiting for the chamomile to grab hold. my neighbours and i are sharing my back yard for a veggie garden. i want to fix what they have done. i just don't have the money for it right now. i need to box in that garden and put more soil in it, so all the seeds don't keep getting washed away. i also want to till out the grass area, and lay sod. What i have now looks like shit. i want the entire back yard to be functional and good looking. i like where the veggie area is, and i want to be able to build in a flower garden near where i want the gate and stair. my biggest issue is that my eyes and head have bigger ideas than my bank account.

Camp is 2 months away. i am really looking forward to it. It is the first time "we" don't have to be the "go-to" people. i am hoping for a relaxing weekend. i know i have to start planning for that. i know i will be transporting 2 benches. i will also be transporting my own stuff. i wonder about what we are going to do about meals, and what i have to buy for that. Other than gas for the van, and food for a meal or two, i am not lacking equipment or supplies. Costs shouldn't be too bad.

i have been keeping my friends in my thoughts. K has surgery coming up on the 20th. It could be the C word. It might not. i am hoping for not. L&D are struggling with their new friend Atlas. Atlas needs training, and has a habit of getting away from them. Hopefully over the summer the MIT and i can go out there and meet this new friend. He sounds like one heck of a challenge. P is worried about K. E is worried about P and K. B is worried about K. Heck, everyone is worried about K. S, well, i have missed her, and am being a bad friend to her. i have lost track of how she is doing. Her health issues have a name, and now she is having to deal with it. She is doing better than i have. i am jealous of that. i am jealous of the fact that she is able to keep her sugars under control, but i just can't keep a handle on it. She has much more self control than i do. i am proud of her for that.

The reflexology situation sucks. i have advertised places (kijiji, school program) but i am getting no bites. Plus i have forgotten the entire procedure and need to use the book again. If you don't use it, you loose it. i tried to give E a session, but had not taken my book, and forgot so much. i need to do a "do-over" with her. i need to make the effort to go out and actually do it to E and P more often. They are in much need of it, and i need the practice. Sis has had me do sessions for her. She has one coming Monday.

i am still very happy with the scene i had with PM. i am glad we did it. It showed me that i can still "take" a lot. It showed me that i am still me deep down inside. It also showed me that i am wanted and attractive to some. i just don't know how much i want to put myself out there. People i know, i am comfortable with. Strangers, not so much.

Well, i guess that is enough venting. There are presents to wrap, cards to create. There is racing to watch, and a much needed shower to take.

i hope everyone has a good weekend.

Monday, June 02, 2008


i went to a play party on Saturday. It was the same one i went to 2 months ago. This time i went with someone. PM. She came to my house before the party. We had dinner together, and we talked about what would happen when we played. We talked about safe words, how we were going to communicate while we played. We went to my toy closet and we picked out a few toys for that night. We got dressed together. i took her picture in her leathers. Then we headed out.

i had been nervous before she arrived. Hell, i was nervous on the way there. This was going to be a real scene. This was going to be serious play. The last time that happened was with L, and that was in private. 2 months ago, it was not really a scene, but more a trial. This was going to be in public, with multiple toys, and with someone that wanted to play with me, and that i wanted to play with, and had wanted it for a long time.

We arrived and got settled into a spot. i went around and visited with some people. i went out for a couple smokes (with permission). Eventually it was time for the two of us to play. She had gotten possession of the cross. She came to get me.

She had me kneel in front of her, and reminded me of what we had talked about. She reminded me that we were going to have fun, and just go with the flow, and that if i had a problem, to do what we had discussed. She then had me stand up and take off what i was wearing. i threw it on the ground. Then i got the look and the "excuse Me?" She apologized for not letting me know that when she gets playing, she really gets into Dom mode. i picked it up, and i put it where she said, then she attached me to the cross. God it went well. She ramped me up and down. There was thuddy, there was stingy, there was harsh and there was soft. i got the giggles. i dropped. i orgasmed. i giggled more. i cried.

She let me cry. She held me and let me feel it. She didn't push me after that. She took me down and had me kiss her feet. We actually ended with that. It was the perfect ending. i helped her clean up and i went out for a smoke.

That was when i felt close to Mike again. i could smell His cologne. i thought it was my imagination. i smelled it again. It made me smile. i swear i could then feel His hand over my mouth and nose, just like He would do after a scene, taking my breath away. i tried to press into His hand, but it wasn't there. i could feel His other hand rub my arm, and His chest behind me, holding me up. i know it sounds weird, but that was how it felt.

It all felt so right. The evening, the play, the after stuff. It all felt like it should have. i felt at home again. i felt like me again. Not the "mommy" me. Not the closed off me. i felt like the me i was 2 years ago. The me that wasn't afraid of letting go. The me that wasn't closed off to submitting again. The me that new who and what i am.

i'm not so scared to be me again. i know He would be proud of me. i know that He would want me to feel this way again. i know that it is all ok now. i know i don't have to be single forever.