Saturday, February 26, 2011

Migraines and feeling like crap

In the last 2 weeks, I have had a total of 5 days worth of migraines.  They drop me on my butt.  I can't do anything.  I have to fake being ok for TJ.  I have to fake being ok for Charlie.  Other than that, the vomiting and pain is just way to much. 

I finally called my doctor on Thursday.  She ordered me some Demerol.  It is the only thing that has worked in the past, and thank the Gods and Goddesses it worked this time. 

I am now back to normal..  I am now functioning as I did before the migraines took over.  Now I just have to fight the urge to take more just to feel stoned.

Monday, February 21, 2011


I don't know if I should change everything about this blog.  I don't know if I am ready to give up on the BDSM side of me.  I don't know if I should change this blog to being about daily living things or not.

What I do know, is I want a place where I can talk about my Charlie and my son at all times, and not worry about people looking and reading all the BDSM stuff, when they are only interested in me, the dog, and TJ.

So, tonight I created the Puggle Charlie Growing-up blog.  Those that are interested in puggle pictures, puggle links, dog talk, and the such, please feel free to check it out. 

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Control / Perfection issues

So I am still having problems walking Charlie.  I am so frustrated, I have made calls to different trainers.  They all cost hundreds of dollars.  I can't afford that, so I keep trudging along hoping I am doing ok at this.  In the house, he has calmed so much, and I have full control.  Outside, in the front and beyond, not the same story.

I talked to my Mom about this.  She reminded me of how I was obsessed with making sure I was a perfect Mom to TJ.  That I didn't (and still don't) want to be what most people see as a single Mother.  What most people see as a mother of a disabled child.  That I have to appear perfect.  That if he acted out in public, I was horrified.  I felt like (and still do) a really bad mother, and what everyone thinks of, when they hear about a single mom.

She is right.  I want to be perfect at this.  I want his life (Charlie's) and TJ's life to be what they deserve.  They deserve to be happy and to not show any form of contention.  I don't like hearing from others how to raise either of them.  I don't like hearing how I need to just be me and back off a little.  I don't like hearing how they would do it, if it was them. 

I don't like hearing it, because they have no idea what it is like to be in my shoes.  They have no idea how hard it is to balance (with TJ) a sense of perfection, and a sense of self.  They have no idea how hard it is to get a puggle to walk on a leash with a bad back from lifting and moving TJ around.  They all just have no idea.

Add to that, my insane need to be perfect and in control.  Yes Charlie has come a long way from where he was when he first got here, but I feel like he should be walking so much better on a leash.  The fact that I saw a boy about 10 years old, walking a puppy without any problems, doesn't help. 

I hate doubting myself, but that is where I am again tonight.  Full of doubt, and looking for control and perfection.

Sunday, February 06, 2011

Still with the Charlie

I am really thinking something out.  Karen, my therapist, says to just let it go and enjoy.  I on the other hand, feel the need to think and ponder and think some more. 

Since getting Charlie, I am no longer looking to fill a void.  A void I never realized I had.  I haven't thought about calling / finding a man.  No drinking at all.  Even thoughts of quiting smoking, even though I can still afford it. 

So maybe it is time to do as Karen says.  Just enjoy what is happening, and see what happens.  Charlie is still a puppy, and still requires a lot of care.  He will become less of a handful, but will constantly need me.  Just like TJ.

Speaking of TJ.  I am legally his guardian.  I now have control over his finances, and medical decisions for the rest of his life.  When I first got the news....a deep breathe of thank the gods.  Seconds later, I was in tears.  I shouldn't.  This should be different.  He should be able to do it on his own.  Then I shared this and E said the perfect thing back to me.  She said how much she is missing the "control" she has over her kids, now that they are teens.  She is missing a lot of what I get to experience.  It made me think.  I was better. 

So congrats to me on filling a void without destructive behaviour.  Congrats to me for getting guardianship.  Congrats to me for having an 18 year old that cuddles and snuggles, and still needs me every day.