Mike and Me - Sun, 16 Oct 2005

i decided to answer some of these here since i think the answers don't need to be public. 1. Why do things happen to me that don't seem to happen to friends. i don't know. Heck, i don't even know what you mean. What type of things? 2. Why do I feel like I have failed my love ones? i don't know. Maybe it is because You put to much pressure on yourself about things You have no control over, and don't recognize what You do have control over. 3. Why do I feel I can't take time for me? You do take time for You. You have Sunday evenings, Monday nights, and Wednesdays. You chose to have relationships with two families, and that means making time for both those families. It means making sacrifices with Your time. i have to make sacrifices to. i can't count on You being here for a weekend until You tell me You aren't going to go to Kingston. i can't count on spending any time on Sundays with You even when You are here on the weekend. i am basically at Your beck and call. You get to pick and choose when You spend time with TJ and i. You have been picking times to come up when You know TJ is in bed or not here or busy with someone else. So i don't know why You feel like You can't, because You do. You do it all the time. 4. Why do I not feel comfortable with who I am? Maybe You don't like who You are right now. Maybe You have decided You can't handle two families. If that is really the case, i would like to know. i would not like it, and i would be upset, but i would understand. Maybe You are dreading life right now, because You don't know how to live it thinking You are healthy. Maybe You are dreading the fact that everything is going well and You don't think You deserve it. What ever the case, You always do this. We fight, You get all "why me" and i get resentful because i feel like i have been doing all the compromising and holding up my end of the bargain, but You are just sitting back and not doing anything to work on our relationship. 5. Why do I hate the weather this time of year? Because You don't see it as a beginning, or a birth, but as a death. You see it as the trees are dying and the grass is dying, and You don't see it as the trees preparing to give birth to new growth, or the grass preparing to get green again for next year. Maybe it is because it means Christmas is coming and You still don't know what You really believe in. Those are all the questions i am able to answer right now. i know once You read this You are going to get all upset and depressed on me, and i am going to have to make You feel better. i am going to have to build up Your confidence and tell You that You are right and are doing nothing wrong. i almost don't want to post this because doing that takes alot of energy. Energy that i could be using to bake with TJ and play with TJ. Energy i could be using to make myself more confident. Energy i could be using to make things for Christmas for gifts, so i wouldn't have to spend a fortune. It also makes me resentful, that i should have to make You feel better when You have chosen this. You chose to have a wife and family in Kingston and chose to have me and TJ in Your life. You chose to live like this. In choosing to live like this there are alot of responsibilities and You need to start dealing with them and accepting them and stop whining over them. i have been supportive, and will continue to be supportive. What ever You choose to do, what ever You choose not to do, just do something. The cancer center has councilling. There is still the physio to look into. Things You could be doing to make Yourself better, but You choose not to. Never mind, i am done for the night.