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Friday, August 10, 2007

Almost the end of week 8

Today is Friday. Today is therapy day. i need it.

i have been having panic attacks. Yes it finally broke threw. It overwhelmed me. The first one was intense. i couldn't even write in my journal. i wanted out of it so bad. The meds wouldn't work. They didn't calm me at all. i ended up cutting. It broke the attack. It made me feel better. The next day, it happened again. Two times. i didn't cut this time. On the advice of P&E i went to my ceramics class. It helped. i am glad i called and asked their advice. Ceramics is quite calming, especially when you know that you don't have to interact with anyone else, and that any mistakes i make, i can correct.

i have been thinking a lot about Mike, and how much i miss Him. i have also been thinking about the good times, and that brings smiles to my face. Thinking about Him this year, is different than last year. Last year, i was going through the motions. i was waking up, doing what i had to, trying not to think. Pushing myself to accept that He is dead. This year, i am more aware of everything. i am aware of feeling sad, of feeling happy. i am aware when i talk about Him, or think about Him. i am past being angry at His stupidity. i am more sad that He felt He needed to lie so much. Sad that He couldn't even admit things to Himself. Other than that sadness, i am enjoying the happy memories. Yes, sometimes they make me cry. Yes i still wish He was here. i am getting better at letting my emotions come out as they need to. i guess that is a good sign in my development.

A week from today i will be waking up at camp. i am split on how i feel about it. Split on wanting to go, and not wanting to go. Wavering between thinking it will be enjoyable, and thinking it will be like dragging my feet in the mud. i am definitely prepared to get drunk again. i am really looking forward to that. i am going to be the booze center. i am taking Bailey's, Rum, Peach schnapps, and Goldshlager. i am responsible for bringing the stove, and transporting all the equipment this year. i am going to be making tacos for my communal meal. No sandwiches, no meat plate. Something warm and easy and likely to please. i am glad i thought about it.

i am really glad this is the last one we will be hosting. The decision has been made that the people that own the camp ground, will be continuing with the tradition, and they want us to manage the play parties. That takes me back to the very first time the original group of us went to the camp grounds to stake it out. We ran the play party then. It was a great time. i like the idea that we aren't going to have all the responsibilities. No worrying about food. No worrying about registration. It will end up being a nice break, and a nice place to go and enjoy. i can see communal meals with us again, and again.

Well, sounds like the MIT is finally up. i was actually sitting here for the last hour and a half wishing He wouldn't. Yeah, that is how down i am right now. Instead, He is up, and will be wanting food soon. The new med His is on has stopped the seizures. He has been having more episodes of one side or the other gone. No real "full blown" episodes. Even on days when both sides are working, His balance is way off. i am not seeing my strong MIT as much anymore. i am seeing the MIT that is loosing mile stones, and balance, and is physically deteriorating. Great.

Well, i guess that is all. i have other news, but am not ready to share it out loud. i am scared it won't happen, and things fall through, and i am left feeling worse.

Time to cook the MIT breakfast. Hopefully it isn't going to be french toast again (He has had that on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday). At least He gets a smoothie every morning. It is nice to not have to worry about Him actually getting fruits every day. Time to stop droning on and on.

Have a great day all.

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